Cracker Jokes!

I thought I’d round off the year with a few appalling cracker jokes …



I thought I’d round off the year with a few appalling cracker jokes …

What’s an underground train full of professors called? ~ A tube of Smarties (Ah, probably only works in UK English)

What type of room has no windows or doors? ~ A mushroom (Hmm, not sure that was worth typing)

When is a boat like a pile of snow? ~ When it’s adrift (Yes, quite, but the next one’s slightly better)

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the New Year’s Eve party? ~ Because he had no body to go with (That’s more like it)

Why don’t robots have brothers? ~ Because they only have trans-sisters

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? ~ Dam

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time? One day my prints will come

What do you call two happy mushrooms? Fun guys

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? ~ Three: the left ear, the right ear & the final front ear

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory? ~ Because he couldn’t concentrate

What has four legs and goes ‘Boo’? ~ A cow with a cold

Why did the atheist cross the road? ~ So he could see both sides

Where does Father Christmas go to recover after Christmas? An elf farm

What do you give a dog for Christmas? A mobile bone

How did the beaver get online? ~ He logged on

Why do birds fly south in winter? ~ Because it’s too far to walk

What do you give to a man who has everything? ~ Antibiotics

Who invented fractions? ~ Henry the 1/8th

What do you call two robbers? ~ A pair of knickers

Where are the Andes? ~ On the end of your armies

What do toilets and anniversaries have in common? ~ Men always miss them

Why can’t a bike stand up by itself? ~ Because it’s two-tired

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? ~ A nervous wreck

What is black and white and noisy? ~ A zebra with a drum kit

What do witches use to wrap their presents? Spello-tape

What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train

Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers? ~ In case he got a hole in one

What did Santa say to the smoker? ~ Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!

What’s grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow? ~ An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth

What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? ~ Freeze a jolly good fellow

What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? ~ Nacho Cheese

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bedside clock? ~ An alarm cluck

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch? ~ Because the referee whistled for a fowl

Why is Europe like a frying pan? ~ Because it has Greece at the bottom

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? ~ A mince spy

Why don’t penguins fly? ~ Because they’re not tall enough to be pilots

There were two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said: ‘Can you smell carrots?’

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? ~ It’s Christmas, Eve

Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch? ~ Because he was the skipper

How did the Vikings send secret messages? ~ By Norse code

What kind of lighting did Noah use on the ark? ~ Floodlights

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? ~ Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot

Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? ~ The elf and safety officer

What’s the slogan for the Eskimo lottery? ~ You’ve got to be Inuit to win you it

What is the best Christmas present in the world? ~ A broken drum, you just can’t beat it

How do monkeys make toast? ~ Stick some bread under a gorilla

How do you hire an elephant? ~ Stand it on four bricks

Why was Cinderella thrown off the team? ~ Because she ran away from the ball

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? He got 25 days

What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack

Which cheese is made backwards? ~ Edam…

What would you get if all the cars in Britain were red? ~ A red carnation

What’s brown and creeps around the house? Mince spies

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party? He had no body to go with

What did one lift say to the other? ~ I think I’m coming down with something

And, lastly, one of my favourites…


What’s ET short for? ~ Because he’s only got little legs



For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations



About MumblingNerd
My daughter once described me as a “little old grey haired, hunchbacked, mumbling nerd.” Which is accurate(ish), but she sadly failed to incorporate ‘chocolate’ into the description.

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