Cracker Jokes!

I thought I’d round off the year with a few appalling cracker jokes …

Cracker JokesWho’s the bane of Santa’s life? ~ The elf and safety officer

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? ~ He got 25 days

What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave? ~ He gives them the sack

Where does Father Christmas go to recover after Christmas? ~ An elf farm

What did Santa say to the smoker? ~ Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? ~ It’s Christmas, Eve

What is the best Christmas present in the world? ~ A broken drum, you just can’t beat it

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the New Year’s Eve party? ~ Because he had no body to go with

When is a boat like a pile of snow? ~ When it’s adrift

What’s an underground train full of professors called? ~ A tube of Smarties (probably only works in UK English)

What type of room has no windows or doors? ~ A mushroom

Why don’t robots have brothers? ~ Because they only have trans-sisters

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? ~ Dam

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time? ~ One day my prints will come

What do you call two happy mushrooms? ~ Fun guys

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? ~ Three: the left ear, the right ear & the final front ear

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory? ~ Because he couldn’t concentrate

What has four legs and goes ‘Boo’? ~ A cow with a cold

Why did the atheist cross the road? ~ So he could see both sides

What do you give a dog for Christmas? ~ A mobile bone

How did the beaver get online? ~ He logged on

Why do birds fly south in winter? ~ Because it’s too far to walk

What do you give to a man who has everything? ~ Antibiotics

Who invented fractions? ~ Henry the 1/8th

What do you call two robbers? ~ A pair of knickers

Where are the Andes? ~ On the end of your armies

What do toilets and anniversaries have in common? ~ Men always miss them

Why can’t a bike stand up by itself? ~ Because it’s two-tired

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? ~ A nervous wreck

What is black and white and noisy? ~ A zebra with a drum kit

What do witches use to wrap their presents? ~ Spello-tape

What do you call a train loaded with toffee? ~ A chew chew train

Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers? ~ In case he got a hole in one

What’s grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow? ~ An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth

What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? ~ Freeze a jolly good fellow

What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? ~ Nacho Cheese

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bedside clock? ~ An alarm cluck

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch? ~ Because the referee whistled for a fowl

Why is Europe like a frying pan? ~ Because it has Greece at the bottom

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? ~ A mince spy

Why don’t penguins fly? ~ Because they’re not tall enough to be pilots

There were two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said: ‘Can you smell carrots?’

Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch? ~ Because he was the skipper

How did the Vikings send secret messages? ~ By Norse code

What kind of lighting did Noah use on the ark? ~ Floodlights

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? ~ Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot

What’s the slogan for the Eskimo lottery? ~ You’ve got to be Inuit to win you it

How do monkeys make toast? ~ Stick some bread under a gorilla

How do you hire an elephant? ~ Stand it on four bricks

Why was Cinderella thrown off the team? ~ Because she ran away from the ball

Which cheese is made backwards? ~ Edam…

What would you get if all the cars in Britain were red? ~ A red carnation

What’s brown and creeps around the house? ~ Mince spies

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party? ~ He had no body to go with

What did one lift say to the other? ~ I think I’m coming down with something

And, lastly, one of my favourites…

What’s ET short for? ~ Because he’s only got little legs

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Puns and word-play


About MumblingNerd
My daughter once described me as a “little old grey haired, hunchbacked, mumbling nerd.” Which is accurate(ish), but she sadly failed to incorporate ‘chocolate’ into the description.

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