I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; it’s impossible to put down.

I’m glad I know sign language; it comes in handy.

If towels could tell jokes, they would probably have a dry sense of humour.

Police were called to a nursery where a three year old was resisting a rest.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

A man had his left arm and leg amputated; he’s all right now.

I wondered why the football was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

If you asked a plastic surgeon to make you look like a pelican, would you get a massive bill?

When ancient wall sculptors finished their work, it was a relief.

Someone left a piece of Plasticine in my house. I didn’t know what to make of it.

As one frog croaked to the other; “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”

Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas because he felt his presents.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.

Just watched a religious order playing stringed instruments; there’s too much sects and violins on TV these days.

I nearly lost my frog puppet recently; it tried to Kermit suicide.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

I saw a kidnapping today, but decided not to wake him up.

I’ve spilt glue all over my autobiography. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I’ve just eaten a very hard biscuit; that was one tough cookie.

There are a few grave diggers wandering around the local graveyard; I think they’ve lost the plot.

I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.

Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Palaeontologists thought they’d found new evidence of a missing link, but it was just another fossil arm.

There’s a terrible smell in the local Apple store; it’s a shame they don’t have Windows.

I use my iPhone when I can’t get to sleep; I have a nap for it.

I found out why our refuse collectors are so miserable; they’ve been down in the dumps.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office DVD is in big trouble; you have my Word.

A woman said she’d recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

What do you call someone with neither a body nor a nose? Nobody nose.

I heard a song about a tortilla today; actually it was more of a wrap.

I decided not to return to my drumming lessons for fear of the repercussions.

I heard that OXYGEN and MAGNESIUM were going out and I was like O Mg!

If the devil ever loses his hair there will be hell toupée.

Why do you never hear a pterodactyl use a toilet? Because the P is silent.

I haven’t done the hokey cokey in years. As you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

I just read an advert for a job inspecting mirrors; I could really see myself doing that.

I have an irrational fear of speed bumps; but I’m slowly getting over it.

People who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

Picasso once had a job as a stadium illustrator; he always drew a big crowd.

I worked in a paperless office once; everyone avoided the toilets.

The invention of the pickaxe was ground breaking.

I had to fire a masseuse today; she was rubbing people up the wrong way.

Apparently, the Sydney Opera House is off quay.

I have a very successful business building yachts in the attic; sails are going through the roof.

I often get a lift from an old school friend who always drives in reverse gear; we do go back a long way.

I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Filed under: Humour, Puns and Word-play ]]> http://mumblingnerd.com/2013/05/17/punicious-punography/feed/ 0 MumblingNerd Punicious Punography http://mumblingnerd.com/2013/04/04/another-about-mumblingnerd/ http://mumblingnerd.com/2013/04/04/another-about-mumblingnerd/#comments Thu, 04 Apr 2013 14:21:10 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.com/?p=3890 ]]> Some things that I like, appreciate, use and think about…

Enthusiastically | Frequently | Occasionally | Specifically | Previously

But not in any particular order… ah, well, actually they’re in alphabetical order ►

Afternoon tea	Airfix
Alaska	Alzheimer’s Society
Amnesty International	Archery
Art galleries	Atheism
Avaaz	BBC
Beaches	Beatles
Berlin	Bettys Café Tea Rooms
Birmingham	Black Adder
Blogging	Blondie
Blueberry pancakes, bacon and maple syrup	Books
Bookshops	Boston
Bread	Breakfast
Brussels	Brussels sprouts
California	Carl Sagan
Castles	Cats
Cheese	Chicago
Chocolate	Cinema
Coastline	Coffee
Comedy	Cotton
Cumbria	Dawn chorus
Death Valley	Delicious bookmarking
Derbyshire	deviantART
Devon	Douglas Adams
Draft Guinness	Dr Who
Eating	Edinburgh
Facebook	Family
Fawlty Towers	Fencing
Ferns	Foo Fighters
Fruit	Genealogy
George Carlin	Glasgow
Google+	Google Chrome
Grand Canyon	Graphic design
Groucho Marx	Hancock’s Half Hour
Hats	Helvetica
History	Holidays
Hotel Chocolat	Hot weather
Humour	Iain M Banks
Ian Dury and the Blockheads	I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue
Interlaken	Internet
iPhone	Jazz
John Lewis Partnership	Just a Minute
Lady Gaga	Laughing
Leather	Leeds
Leicester	Lego
Liberalism	LinkedIn
Maine	Maps
Marmite	Merlot
Milton Jones	Monty Python
Morecambe and Wise	MSWord
Museums	Music
Neil deGrasse Tyson	Newcastle
New England	News
Newspapers	New York
Northumberland	Norway
Nottingham	Nuts
Oak trees	Oslo
Paper	Parks
Paris	PC
Photography	Pianos
Pink Floyd	Pinot Grigio
Pinot Noir	Pinterest
Ponds	Prague
Public libraries	Public transport
Punk Rock	Puns
Punsr	QR Codes
Radio 4	Railways
Reading	Robin Hood Tax
Rock pools	Rolling countryside
Rolling Stones	San Francisco
Savannah	Saxophones
Scotland	Seattle
Sequentiality	Sheffield
Shopping	Sid Meier’s Civilization
Sir Patrick Moore	Snowdonia
Social networking	Speculative fiction
Spicy food	Spring
Star Trek	Steam engines
Stephen Fry	Stone
Stranglers	Strawberries
Sushi	Switzerland
Tea	Teddy bears
Television	Tim Minchin
Toast	Tommy Cooper
Torchwood	Toronto
Touchscreens	Trams
Travelling	Trees
Twitpic	Twitter
Typography	Vancouver
Venice	Victor Borge
Violins	Wargaming
Washington DC	Water
Wikipedia	Wimbledon Championship
Wine	Wood
Woodland	Word play
WordPress	Words
Yoga	Yorkshire
Yosemite National Park	Zurich

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Filed under: MumblingNerd ]]> http://mumblingnerd.com/2013/04/04/another-about-mumblingnerd/feed/ 4 MumblingNerd Roy Manterfield (23 Feb 2013) http://mumblingnerd.com/2013/03/28/shopping-jokes/ http://mumblingnerd.com/2013/03/28/shopping-jokes/#comments Thu, 28 Mar 2013 12:50:21 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.com/?p=3869 ]]>

I bought some new electric garden trimmers; they’re cutting-hedge technology.

‘VENI, VEDI, VISA’: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

I thought I’d visit some different stores, but when you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.

I think the local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew its seams.

Never get behind the Devil in a Post Office queue, for the Devil has many forms.

I’m going to a local shop for the first time; I’ve no idea what’s in store.

A ladder has been stolen from a hardware store; the manager says that further steps will be taken.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers today, but I couldn’t find any.

Plastic surgery is very expensive; amputations cost an arm and a leg.

Why can’t fishmongers be more generous? Because their business makes them sell fish.

I went to the music shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said: ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

A shopkeeper just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might be a heroine dealer.

I went to the hardware store to buy a curtain rod and the manager asked me how long I’d want it; so I told him I’d like to keep it.

Our baker has a sense of humour; he bakes wry bread.

I’ve bought one of those memory foam cushions, but I can’t remember where I put it.

The bicycle shop owner broke his ankle and was unable to peddle his wares.

At the grocery store a dangerous new strain of bacteria has been found in packs of soft butter; and it spreads easily.

I know I’ve bought lots of Velcro cable grips, but I can’t find any now. I must be losing my grip.

A pub started brewing in-house because they loved draught beer, but in the end, they bottled it.

I saw a huge new funeral parlour opening today; it was quite an undertaking.

Our butcher sells sausages online; but the link’s broken.

Our butcher backed into his meat slicer; now he’s got a little behind in his work.

Our butcher had to sell all his rabbits and pheasants, because he didn’t want to give the game away.

I bought eight legs of venison from our butcher for £40; is that two deer?

I asked our butcher if he had a capon, but he said; “No, who do you think I am, Batman?”

I bought some Toulouse sausages today, now I can’t find them; they must have been too easy Toulouse.

I only asked for a leg of lamb from the butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.

Horse meat was once sold in a lot of British butcher shops, but they were flogging a dead horse.

In the café today I tried to grab something to drink my milkshake with, but I was just clutching at straws.

A car showroom used to smuggle cars into the country, until they were convicted of trafficking.

I bought my wife a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle; I don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.

I’ve ordered some German food over the internet; the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

I recently bought some very expensive perfume as a gift; I’ve no common scents.

Stationery traffic has been blamed on the huge number of vehicles delivering envelopes & writing paper.

“Do you sell hot water bottles?” ~ “I’m afraid not; have you tried Boots?” ~ “Yes, but the water comes out of the lace holes”

I managed to buy twelve rare collectable postcards for only 10 US cents, but then found out they were a dime a dozen.

I went to get food at a takeaway, but changed my mind because the owner had a chip on his shoulder.

I drove to the supermarket with a tiny carrot; I was in such a hurry I had to take the shortest root.

Milliners are very irritable; they can get angry at the drop of a hat.

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Filed under: Humour ]]> http://mumblingnerd.com/2013/03/28/shopping-jokes/feed/ 0 MumblingNerd Shopping jokes http://mumblingnerd.com/2013/03/26/stephen-fry-quotations/ http://mumblingnerd.com/2013/03/26/stephen-fry-quotations/#comments Tue, 26 Mar 2013 17:07:29 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.com/?p=3840 ]]>
Stephen Fry is an English actor, comedian, author, journalist, broadcaster and film director. He is also a celebrated national treasure, cultural icon and British institution. This is a small collection of quotations attributed to him.


“My mother, yes, she believed in me, but everybody’s mother believes in them. No one else believed in me.”

“…but I felt I had also the power to create, to add, to delight, to amaze and to transform.”

“I believed in ghosts more than I believed in me, and take my word for it, I never believed in ghosts…”

“I’m far too spiritual and emotional and passionate to believe in the supernatural.”

“Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.”

“There’s no doubt that I do have extremes of mood that are greater than just about anybody else I know.”

“You can’t reason yourself back into cheerfulness any more than you can reason yourself into an extra six inches in height.”

“Generally, we admire the thing we are not.”

“Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.”

“When you’ve seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.”

“We’ve all met people who are supposedly incredibly intelligent but don’t know which way to sit on a lavatory.”

“Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties.”

“Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business – which at least does us all some good.”

“How can one not be fond of something that the Daily Mail despises?”

“If you go looking for loonies and religious fanatics and dropouts and freaks, I dare say you’ll find it.”

“An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.”

“There is so much we can learn from TV. It’s a window on the world.”

“I’ve always had great respect for Paddington because he is amusingly English and eccentric.”

“Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the word’s full octave.”

“Taste every fruit of every tree in the garden at least once. It is an insult to creation not to experience it fully.”

“I am a lover of truth, a worshipper of freedom, a celebrant at the altar of language and purity and tolerance.”

“I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.”

“The only reason people do not know much is because they do not care to know. They are incurious.”

“Incuriosity is the oddest and most foolish failing there is.”

“One technology doesn’t replace another, it complements. Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.”

“…we should be wary of false dichotomies. You do not have to choose between one or the other. You can have both.”

“I don’t watch television; I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself.”

“…books are powerhouses of knowledge, and therefore they’re kind of slightly dark and dangerous.”

“I think I have always linked smoking and sex. Maybe this is where I have been going wrong all my life.”

“It’s so easy to say, ‘That’ll do.’ Everyone’s in a hurry. People are intellectually lazy, morally lazy, ethically lazy…”

“We abrogate the responsibility for thought & moral decisions onto others & then have the luxury of saying it’s not good enough”

“It only takes a room of Americans for the English and Australians to realise how much we have in common.”

“It is a cliché that most clichés are true, but then like most clichés, that cliché is untrue.”

“The human cultural jungle should be as varied and plural as the Amazonian rainforest. We are all richer for biodiversity.”

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For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Humour

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Filed under: Quotations ]]> http://mumblingnerd.com/2013/03/26/stephen-fry-quotations/feed/ 0 MumblingNerd Stephen Fry http://mumblingnerd.com/2013/01/12/how-many-aliens-does-it-take-to-change-a-light-bulb/ http://mumblingnerd.com/2013/01/12/how-many-aliens-does-it-take-to-change-a-light-bulb/#comments Sat, 12 Jan 2013 15:45:04 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.com/?p=3747 ]]>

A small collection of ‘light bulb’ jokes; prompted by the glowing and vibrant Bright Ideas Nottingham.

How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? There’s no such thing as aliens… anyway they’re too short and only use glowballs.

How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the entire collective will be thinking about it.

How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s not rocket science.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’ll need at least three light bulbs.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one; they don’t like to share the spotlight.

How many librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but I can look it up for you.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? It depends on what you want them to change it into.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.

How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the new bulb probably won’t work either.

How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb might start working again.

How many historians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know; that’s not my period.

How many public relations staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re supposed to keep you in the dark.

How many voyeurs does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’d much rather watch someone else do it.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many IT tech staff does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and on again?

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? Cats don’t change light bulbs; they have servants for that.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb will change itself when it’s ready.

How many council staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; the work’s been outsourced.

How many censors does it take to change a light bulb? ███; one to ████, another to ███ while █ ███ ██ with ███.

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Four; one to change the bulb and three to brag about how big it is.

How many Thought Police does it take to change a light bulb? None; there ‘never was’ a light bulb…

How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? None; you’ll never get their attention.

How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s a hardware problem.

How many tech-support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring…

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and another to change it back again.

How many government ministers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they sack someone else for letting it go out.

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to carry out a risk assessment.

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb? Three; one to change it and two to argue about its age.

How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb? Sorry, we closed a few seconds ago.

How many proof readers does it take to light a change blub? Sorry, I didn’t sea that won.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Two; the new one and the old one.

How many advertising executives does it take to change a light bulb? None; dark is a brand new feature of the bulb.

How many chickens does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to cross the road.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? No chance, but the cat wants to know when the light will be repaired, when its food will served up and when a proper massage will begin?

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb? One; plus or minus three (small sample size).

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? None ‘o yo’ damn business!!

How many Mensa members does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb isn’t bright enough.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the bulb and one not to change it.

How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb? None; Klingons aren’t afraid of the dark.

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000.

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? Irrelevant; you will be assimilated and change it for us.

How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the light bulb and one to hold the penis, mother, I mean LADDER!

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don’t ask me how they got in there!

How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? “I can’t tell whether you mean ‘change’ a light bulb or ‘have sex’ in a light bulb. Can we reword it to remove the ambiguity?”

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to rotate it and one to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? One, no two, no four, no eight, no…

How many Catholic Priests / C of E Vicars / Orthodox Rabbis (delete as applicable) does it take to change light bulb? “Change? Change??!”

How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two; one to change it and one to protest that it should be ‘light bulb’.

How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re not interested in that short wave stuff.

How many Bob Dylan fans does it take to change a light bulb? The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Filed under: Humour ]]> http://mumblingnerd.com/2013/01/12/how-many-aliens-does-it-take-to-change-a-light-bulb/feed/ 5 MumblingNerd How many men does it take to change a light bulb? http://mumblingnerd.com/2012/12/31/2012-in-review/ http://mumblingnerd.com/2012/12/31/2012-in-review/#comments Mon, 31 Dec 2012 19:15:50 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.com/?p=3743 ]]> The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 42,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 10 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

Filed under: MumblingNerd ]]> http://mumblingnerd.com/2012/12/31/2012-in-review/feed/ 0 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.com/2012/12/18/mae-oreo-west-quotations/ http://mumblingnerd.com/2012/12/18/mae-oreo-west-quotations/#comments Tue, 18 Dec 2012 14:21:00 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.com/?p=3723 ]]>

For @xjazzy13 ► official #Oreogirl member and Minister of Chocolate.

“Between two #Oreos, I always pick the one I never tried before.”

“Is that an #Oreo in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

“Save an #Oreo for a rainy day, and another, in case it doesn’t rain.”

“When I’m good, I’m very good. But when I’ve an #Oreo I’m better.”

“Why don’t you come on up and #Oreo me sometime.”

“I’ll try any #Oreo once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.”

“Don’t keep a man guessing too long; he’s sure to find an #Oreo somewhere else.”

“So many #Oreos… so little time.”

“I never loved another person the way I loved #Oreos.”

“I generally avoid an #Oreo unless I can’t resist it.”

“Too much of an #Oreo can be wonderful.”

“A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald, but if he has #Oreos, women will like him.”

“An #Oreo in the house is worth two in the street.”

“An #Oreo worth doing is worth doing slowly.”

“#Oreos conquer all things except poverty and toothache.”

“I only have ‘yes’ #Oreos around me. Who needs ‘no’ #Oreos?”

“I speak two languages, #Oreo and English.”

“It’s not the men in my life that count; it’s the life in my #Oreos.”

“I didn’t discover #Oreos; I only uncovered them.”

“Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of #Oreos.”

“I’m a woman of very few words, but lots of #Oreos.”

“I only like two kinds of #Oreos, domestic and imported.”

“Love isn’t an emotion or an instinct; it’s an #Oreo.”

“If I asked for an #Oreo, someone would search for the double meaning.”

“It ain’t no sin if you crack a few #Oreos now and then, just so long as you don’t break any.”

“Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman an #Oreo.”

“#Oreos are the most important thing to an actress’s success.”

“Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with an #Oreo.”

“If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too many #Oreos are just about right!”

“The #Oreo is more powerful than the sword.”

“One more #Oreo and I’ll be under the host.”

“The best way to hold an #Oreo is in your arms.”

“Too many girls follow the line of least resistance, but a good #Oreo is hard to resist.”

“I see you’re a man with #Oreos. I better be going while you’ve still got them.”

“Any time you got nothing to do, and lots of #Oreos, come on up.”

“#Oreos are easy to get but hard to keep.”

“#Oreos are an asset to the woman in love who’s smart enough to hide ‘em.”

“An ounce of #Oreo is worth pounds of promises.”

“If you put your #Oreo in it, be sure it’s your best #Oreo.”

“Love thy neighbour; and if he happens to be tall, debonair and has #Oreos, it will be that much easier.”

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Filed under: Humour, Quotations ]]> http://mumblingnerd.com/2012/12/18/mae-oreo-west-quotations/feed/ 0 MumblingNerd Mae Oreo-West Bookmark and Share http://mumblingnerd.com/2012/10/29/trick-or-tweet-stories/ http://mumblingnerd.com/2012/10/29/trick-or-tweet-stories/#comments Mon, 29 Oct 2012 16:16:36 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.com/?p=3675 ]]>

A small selection of Twitter sized stories gleaned from the internet for Halloween…

Sitting down, he began to tell his girlfriend about his day; she listened patiently, her lifeless, glassy eyes staring.

I woke in the middle of the night and felt my dog jump onto the bed; felt her breath and her… scaly skin…

She woke up to find the empty apartment littered with Polaroids of her, asleep…

He had always loved his mother dearly and, after her death, he found comfort in her familiar but cold embrace…

The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door…

Terrified, I snapped the bolt across and ducked under the covers. Then a voice said; “Now we’re both locked in for the night…”

He looked down at his shadow. He could feel the cold biting at his ears. He looked at his shadow again; it wasn’t the cold…

She shuffles through the leaves, holding the small hand by her side. But the hand is cooling now and it still drips…

He tripped and fell, the contents of his pack emptied out; his late wife lay in bloody pieces, strewn across the floor.

In the dark ~ Naomi mistook ~ a shard of glass ~ for her contact lens

She woke from a disturbed sleep and stared, shivering, at the writing on her wall; “You are so beautiful when you sleep.”

As he raised his hand to hit her she put a bullet through his head. Then she sat by his body for a while, until it stirred…

I smile when I arrive home and hear my wife singing to our baby upstairs. Then she texts me: “I’ll be home late; traffic.”

“Do you love me?” Said the figure with outstretched arms, shuffling out of the dark hallway, wearing the skin of his wife.

The gentle night breeze briefly blew the curtains open, revealing a pale face peering in through the open window…

As he climbed the stairs, he glanced at the reflection in the window… and caught a glimpse of something just behind him.

He woke to the baby’s cry & the memory of his wife. The wail stopped & he smiled… until he saw who was nursing the baby.

As he fell into the water of the old quarry he saw, just under the surface, hundreds of eyes, black and wide with hunger…

Father was a butcher and very good at it. She learned early on not to get attached, but she did love to hear them beg…

A tweet from an old friend. He smiled and replied. He Googled him. A chill ran up his spine. His friend died last week.

I feel a solid wall above me, below me and all around me, now the sense of panic rises uncontrollably…

She slowly entered the kitchen, breath condensing and heart pounding; she heard a scratching… it was the cat trying to get in.

These Trick or Tweet Halloween stories were gleaned from the internet and reduced to Twitter size as prompted by Bright Ideas Nottingham ► @brightideasnott :^)

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Filed under: Humour ]]> http://mumblingnerd.com/2012/10/29/trick-or-tweet-stories/feed/ 1 MumblingNerd Trick or Tweet http://mumblingnerd.com/2012/10/24/even-shorter-jokes/ http://mumblingnerd.com/2012/10/24/even-shorter-jokes/#comments Wed, 24 Oct 2012 13:50:38 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.com/?p=3667 ]]>

Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

I read magazines periodically.

Clones are people two.

Geese grow up & grow down at the same time.

The writing is on the wall for graffiti.

River valleys are gorgeous.

I’m itching to visit a Flea Market.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Drilling holes for water is well boring.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

After M and T my diary says WTF.

Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8th

Queen bees often come out in hives.

I’ve sold my homing pigeon eight times on eBay.

Sparkling water is still water.

Spoonerists are teople poo.

There are many misconceptions about pregnancy.

Whales are weighed at a whale weigh station.

William Tell’s son was the apple of his eye.

People say love is blind, but I can’t see it myself.

Being castrated is a eunuch experience.

Amputations cost an arm and a leg.

Bee stings are in the hand of the bee holder.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Do hotel managers get board with their jobs?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Root canal work is deeply unnerving.

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

Why was the broom late? It overswept.

Which cheese is made backwards? Edam.

How do you get Holy Water? Boil the hell out of it.

Milliners get angry at the drop of a hat.

Noah kept bees in the ark hives.

My bucket isn’t very well; it’s a little pail.

Polite children take after their parents.

Pouring from teapots is a strain.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

Fatigues are tired uniforms.

I have a yen to visit Tokyo.

Consciousness; that annoying time between naps.

Subservient fish know their plaice.

What’s green & runs around the garden? A hedge.

Genetic scientists wear eau de clone.

What’s red and invisible? No tomatoes.

I’ve found a hole in my sock; darn it!

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

My ventriloquist’s dummy is already spoken for.

Aesop was famous for his foibles.

Walking on hot coals is no mean feet.

Apparently the Dalai Lama is not actually a Llama.

If you sit on a pumpkin, does it become a squash?

If a clock’s hungry it goes back four seconds.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Hermaphroditism is an end in itself.

Business is looking up for astronomers.

French philosophers vie for the meaning of life.

The French version of ‘Cats’ is a chat show.

I’m so thirsty I could drink Canada Dry.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

I’m a big fan of wind turbines.

A good pun is its own reword.

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Filed under: Humour ]]> http://mumblingnerd.com/2012/10/24/even-shorter-jokes/feed/ 3 MumblingNerd Time flies like an arrow http://mumblingnerd.com/2012/08/23/yet-another-selection-of-jokes-and-word-play/ http://mumblingnerd.com/2012/08/23/yet-another-selection-of-jokes-and-word-play/#comments Thu, 23 Aug 2012 15:30:03 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.com/?p=3603 ]]>
I want to learn how to make ice-cream, so I’m going to sundae school.

On the stock exchange today, helium was up, feathers were down and paper was stationary.

Why did the biscuit cry? Because his mother was a wafer too long.

When police officers get cold they go undercover.

Trainee pilots are nervous because their future is always up in the air.

I’d quite like to be a millionaire just like my dad; he always wanted to be a millionaire too.

I saw someone on the beach shouting “Help, shark! Help!” You have to laugh; that shark’s never going to help him.

Sunglasses are a bit like Facebook; you can stare at people without getting caught.

One tiny mistake can ruin everything you’ve worked so hard for; Tetris can be so damned annoying.

There’s a time and place for wasting your life away and this is it.

Don’t you just hate it when people use words that Google can’t find?

James Bond once slept right through an earthquake; he was shaken, not stirred.

I couldn’t afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive and steel wool.

Bakers with a sense of humour bake wry bread.

The best way to make an apple crumble is to torture it for 10 minutes.

A car showroom used to smuggle cars into the country, until they were convicted of trafficking.

A dangerous new strain of bacteria has been found in packs of soft butter; and it spreads easily.

Three of my fingers are willing, but my thumb and forefinger are opposed.

Police are searching for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lighted match; they want to catch him before he strikes again.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses three thousand times the memory.

Experience is great: it allows you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

Mathematical puns are the first sine of madness.

By the time you can make ends meet, somebody has moves the ends.

If everything seems to be going well, you have probably overlooked something.

Madness takes its toll; please have the exact change ready.

One good thing about egotists; they don’t talk about other people.

I always wanted to be a pharmacist, because I grew up on a pharm.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a baby horse and made a complete foal of myself.

Although he was afraid of mice, it didn’t keep him from eeking out a living at a pet store.

How do you make a whale float? A glass of soda, a scoop of ice cream and a whale.

An old gag: When the author of the hokey cokey died it was a nightmare getting him in the coffin; everytime they put his left leg in…

A French restaurant had five dishwashers; they were known as the kitchen cinq.

A jellyfish walked into a hardware shop and bought ten drills.

When ceiling fans were invented, they were considered revolutionary.

If anyone knows the shortest word in the English language containing the letters A, B, C, D, E and F, I’d welcome FEEDBACK.

Our cat did really well in the milk-drinking competition; he licked the competition and won by six laps.

I couldn’t make my mind up whether to set our scales to pounds or kilos, and then I decided either weigh would do.

The Bicycle Wheel Manufacturers Association has appointed a new spokes-person.

I used to go to an origami class, until it folded.

It’s always best to use teabags, as all proper tea is theft.

The knight walked into the blacksmith’s shop and the blacksmith said; “come in, you’ve got mail.”

A man walked into a bar and asked for a pitcher full of beer, so the bartender gave him a drunken baseball player.

Looking up at the stars tonight, I began to ask some profound questions like… “Where the hell is the shed roof?”

How do you get to Wales in a Mini; one in the back and one in the front.

How do you get two whales in a Mini; down the M4 and over the Severn Bridge.

Support bacteria! It’s the only culture some people have.

Women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.

Gas powered aircraft were never successful; in strong winds the pilot used to go out.

Squirrels swim on their back to keep their nuts dry.

Drat, I forgot to go to the gym again today; that’s 42 years in a row now.

Coming soon, timepieces for astronauts; watch this space!

No one could play cards on the ark, because Noah sat on the deck.

I was going to tweet a really good joke about apathy, but I can’t be bothered.

My favourite outdoor activity is coming back inside.

Interesting; apparently you can go to the gym without mentioning in on Twitter or Facebook.

I’ve made my lawn chicken-proof; it’s impeccable.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.

Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

Someone just told me I’m delusional! I nearly fell off my unicorn.

Is anyone else worried about that 0.01% of germs that can’t be killed?

Can you imagine the self control you’d need if you worked in a bubble wrap factory?

I never make the same mistake twice; four or five times usually covers it.

When one door closes another one opens; that’s yet another reason the car needs servicing.

How is it that in maths problems you can buy 75 cantaloupes and no one asks why?

If a racing driver’s wheel failed during a race, he’d have to re-tyre.

If you crossed a dog with a chicken, would you get pooched eggs?

If I download 1,000 puns from the Internet, I’d be well e-quipped.

A shepherd drove his flock of sheep through town and got a traffic ticket for making a ewe turn.

An X-ray specialist married one of her patients and everyone wondered what she saw in him.

I’m trying to lose weight by going to the paint store; apparently you can get thinner there.

I have a huge peak on my baseball cap; it’s my supervisor.

If you had to choose between your partner and £1,000,000, what is the first thing you would buy?

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

House training your dog might be a great idea, but it doesn’t look good on paper.

What happens when sound advice falls upon deaf ears?

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands. (This joke never grows old)

Make the little things count; teach maths to young children.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing; they just waved.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.

If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

As the shoe said to the hat; “You go on a head and I’ll follow on foot.”

I saw an enza virus outside; I opened the window and influenza.

A letter from NHS Blood and Transplant said I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

I tried to catch some fog, but mist.

I know someone who’s addicted to brake fluid; he says he can stop any time.

When chemists die, they barium.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Native Americans were the first people to arrive in the continent because they had reservations.

The Energiser Bunny has been arrested and charged with battery.

PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

If you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Does anyone know who Quasimodo is? It doesn’t ring any bells with me.

The book I published about failure has been a great success; it didn’t sell.

I didn’t like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.

My deafness has been cured; I never thought I’d hear myself saying that.

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Filed under: Humour ]]> http://mumblingnerd.com/2012/08/23/yet-another-selection-of-jokes-and-word-play/feed/ 0 MumblingNerd Yet another selection of jokes