Even more short jokes


If a mime is arrested, do they have the right to remain silent?

My long-haired friend was fired from the hot dog stand for putting his hair in a bun.

I can’t choose between silver and gold; it could be either ore.

Contemplating root canal work is deeply unnerving.

An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks; the nephew is now busy winding up the estate.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

I find falling asleep is so easy I could do it with my eyes closed.

Forklift truck drivers don’t like puns; they find them unpalletable.

If a tortoise doesn’t have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

Do hotel managers get board with their jobs?

The new Elvis Presley themed steakhouses are for people who love meat tender.

Tractors are magic; I followed one recently that suddenly turned into a field.

To oceanographers, things are never bad, they’re abyss-mal.

Lightning always shocks people, because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

Do ambassadors stay healthy because of diplomatic immunity?

A relative ate wheat even though he was allergic to it; he was a gluten for punishment.

Good King Wenceslas likes his pizza deep-pan, crisp and even.

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!

The boy stood on the burning deck; it was the only way he could put out the flames on his pack of cards.

If a spider lives in a maize field, does it make cob webs?

Two scientists studying fungi and algae became friends after they took a lichen to each other.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

When psychiatrists give presents, are they always shrink wrapped?

A friend lost his left arm and left leg in an accident; he’s all right now.

I saw an exceptionally good scarecrow; it was out standing in its field.

Bee stings are in the hand of the bee holder.

My friend left her gloves in a secluded cave, still, they were hermits.

A man, who dreamt he was a wheel on a car and then a catalytic converter, woke up tired and exhausted.

A farmer has a herd of 200 cattle; he thought there were only 197 until he rounded them up.

I’ve damaged some small pieces of my chess set, so I took them to a pawn broker.

One of my ancestors tried prospecting for gold, but it didn’t pan out.

The local priest has been making the Sign of the Cross so often; he’s had to stop counting his blessings.

Cows wear cowbells because their horns don’t work.

I was going to procrastinate now, but I’ve decided to do it later.

You would be in Seine if you jumped off a bridge in Paris.

A burglar fell into a cement mixer and became a hardened criminal.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

I bought a birthday card shaped like a boomerang; it said ‘Many Happy Returns’.

What do you get if you cross a canary with a mole? A mynah bird.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

In a Chinese geography test Peking is no longer allowed.

I had a very happy childhood. Dad loved to put me inside a tyre and roll me downhill. Those were the good years.

The Canadian government has set up a lottery, only for people in the north. You have to be Inuit to win it.

I love eBay – I’ve sold my homing pigeon eight times.

I phoned Seaworld the other day. They told me, ‘your call may be monitored for training porpoises.’

“You won’t like me when I’m angry. I back up my rage with documented facts and sources.” ~ The Credible Hulk



For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations



A few Star Wars quotes for May the fourth


“Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?” Princess Leia ~ A New Hope

“Traveling through hyperspace ain’t like dusting crops, farm boy.” Han Solo ~ A New Hope

“The force is strong with this one.” Darth Vader ~ A New Hope

“If there’s a bright centre to the universe, you’re on the planet that it’s farthest from.” Luke Skywalker ~ A New Hope

“Your eyes can deceive you; don’t trust them.” Obi-Wan Kenobi ~ A New Hope

“Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?” Yoda ~ The Empire Strikes Back

“Obi-Wan has taught you well.” Darth Vader ~ Return of the Jedi

“Remember… the Force will be with you, always.” Obi-Wan Kenobi ~ A New Hope

“You may dispense with the pleasantries, Commander. I am here to put you back on schedule.” Darth Vader ~ Return of the Jedi

“Don’t call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease.” C-3PO ~ A New Hope

“You don’t know how hard I found it, signing the order to terminate your life.” Governor Tarkin ~ A New Hope

“Mmm. Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing.” Yoda ~ Attack of the Clones

“At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge.” Darth Maul ~ The Phantom Menace

“Now, young Skywalker… you will die.” The Emperor ~ Return of the Jedi

“I find your lack of faith disturbing.” Darth Vader ~ A New Hope

“Hello. I don’t believe we have been introduced. R2-D2? A pleasure to meet you. I am C-3PO.” C-3PO ~ The Phantom Menace

“Good Anakin. Good. Kill him. Kill him now.” Chancellor Palpatine ~ Revenge of the Sith

“General Grievous, you’re shorter than I expected.” Anakin Skywalker ~ Revenge of the Sith

“Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.” Princess Leia ~ A New Hope

“Ahh, hard to see, the Dark Side is.” Yoda ~ The Phantom Menace

“Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan. Now that’s a name I have not heard in a long time. A long time.” Obi-Wan Kenobi ~ A New Hope

“You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.” Princess Leia ~ A New Hope

“There’s always a bigger fish.” Qui-Gon Jinn ~ The Phantom Menace

“Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1.” C-3PO ~ The Empire Strikes Back

“I’m rather embarrassed, General Solo, but it appears that you are to be the main course at a banquet in my honour. C-3PO

“When 900 years old, you reach… Look as good, you will not.” Yoda ~ Return of the Jedi

“Great, kid. Don’t get cocky.” Han Solo ~ A New Hope

“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.” Han Solo ~ A New Hope

“It’s against my programming to impersonate a deity.” C-3PO ~ Return of the Jedi

“Truly wonderful the mind of a child is.” Yoda ~ Attack of the Clones

“R2-D2, you know better than to trust a strange computer.” ~ C-3PO ~ The Empire Strikes Back

“Only a Sith Lord deals in absolutes.” Obi-Wan Kenobi ~ Revenge of the Sith

“Who’s the more foolish: the fool, or the fool who follows him?” Obi-Wan Kenobi ~ A New Hope

“No. I am your Father.” Darth Vader ~ The Empire Strikes Back


Back to MumblingNerd’s home page




For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Quotes about chocolate


“The divine drink, which builds up resistance and fights fatigue. A cup of this precious drink (cacao) permits a man to walk for a whole day without food.” ~ Montezuma – Aztec Emperor (c. 1480-1520)

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” ~ Charles Dickens

“Chocolate is a perfect food, as wholesome as it is delicious, a beneficent restorer of exhausted power…it is the best friend of those engaged in literary pursuits.” ~ Baron Justus von Liebig, German chemist (1803-1873)

“What use are cartridges in battle? I always carry chocolate instead.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

“Caramels are only a fad. Chocolate is a permanent thing.” ~ Milton Hershey

“Never mind about 1066 William the Conqueror, 1087 William the Second. Such things are not going to affect one’s life…but 1932 the Mars Bar and 1936 Maltesers and 1937 the Kit Kat – these dates are milestones in history and should be seared into the memory of every child in the country.” ~ Roald Dahl

“What you see before you, my friend, is the result of a lifetime of chocolate. A pound a day often.” ~ Katharine Hepburn

“I probably have some sort of chocolate five times a week. There’s definitely a change it does to the chemistry of the body. It’s my favorite feeling. I live for it.” ~ John Travolta

“Chocolate is the greatest gift to women ever created, next to the likes of Paul Newman and Gene Kelly. It’s something that should be had on a daily basis.” ~ Sandra Bullock

“Forget love…I’d rather fall in chocolate!” ~ Anonymous

“It’s not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let’s face it, far more reliable than a man.” ~ Miranda Ingram

“Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don’t need an appointment.” ~ Catherine Aitken

“The taste of chocolate is a sensual pleasure in itself, existing in the same world as sex… For myself, I can enjoy the wicked pleasure of chocolate… entirely by myself. Furtiveness makes it better.” ~ Dr. Ruth Westheimer

“All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt!” ~ Lucy Van Pelt (Peanuts by Charles M. Schulz)

“Giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets.” ~ Milton Zelman

“Chocolate: Here today… Gone today!” ~ Daniel Worona

“Las cosas claras y el chocolate espeso.” (Ideas should be clear and chocolate thick.) Spanish proverb

“Nuts just take up space where chocolate ought to be.” ~ Anonymous

“Chemically speaking, chocolate really is the world’s perfect food.” ~ Michael Levine, nutrition researcher

“Don’t wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty. Chocolate isn’t like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant. And it always feels good.” ~ Lora Brody

“You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.” ~ Anonymous

“Carob is a brown powder made from the pulverized fruit of a Mediterranean evergreen. Some consider carob an adequate substitute for chocolate because it has some similar nutrients (calcium, phosphorus), and because it can, when combined with vegetable fat and sugar, be made to approximate the color and consistency of chocolate. Of course, the same arguments can as persuasively be made in favor of dirt.” ~ Sandra Boynton

“Man cannot live on chocolate alone; but woman sure can.” ~ Anonymous

“I never met a chocolate I didn’t like.” ~ Counsellor Deanna Troi, Star Trek: The Next Generation

“There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles.” ~ Anonymous

“Exercise is a dirty word… Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.” ~ Charles M Schulz

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… chocolate….” ~ Homer Simpson

“Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces.” ~ Judith Viorst

“The 12-step chocoholics program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!” ~ Terry Moore

“Simply put… everyone has a price, mine is chocolate!” ~ Anonymous

“As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.” ~ Sandra Boynton

“Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth person always lies.” ~ John Q. Tullius

“Hell hath no fury like a woman who has sworn off fudge and chocolate.” ~ Anonymous


ChocolateThere are lots of chocolate tweets on Twitter:

Twitter Chocolate


And in MumblingNerd’s Daily Chocolate


Back to Chocolate

Back to Chocolate is the answer

Back to MumblingNerd’s home page




For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Diction Hairy of Reeve Eyes Deaf Finnish Huns

The spell checker approved the title, but it should be ‘Dictionary of Revised Definitions’.


Continuing the long and slightly dubious history of new and revised word redefinitions and daffynitions, in a short but similar vein to works such as ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’ by Ambrose Bierce, the ‘Uxbridge English Dictionary’ #UED from the BBC radio panel game ‘I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue’ #ISIHAC and ‘Wickedictionary’ by Derek Abbott.

I have written most of the definitions listed here, apart from a handful stolen from Twitter acquaintances, although, as many of the definitions are obvious as well as being ridiculous, they may well have been used elsewhere and often.

Click on a group of letters to go to that section:

A B C   D E F   G H I   J K L   M N O   P Q R   S T U   V W X Y Z



A small selection of some of my favourites:


Artichoke (n): creative strangulation
Babylon (n): tough synthetic infant
Cantaloupe (n): incapable of eloping
Diphthong (n): very small swimwear
Esplanade (n): Spanish lemonade
Felon (v): to trip over a thief
Ganache (n): action of teeth on chocolate
Gigolo (n): a fee-male
Hindsight (n): effect of hotpants
Impeccable (n): to protect from woodpeckers
Jamaica (n): person who makes fruit preserves
Kindred (n): fear of relatives
Legendary (n): famous milkman
Mascara (n): Brazilian traffic jam
Negligent (n): negligee for men
Noncustodial (n): a pudding without custard
Onomatopoeia (n): sound made by a tomato
Orifice (n): a hole created in an office
Palindrome (n): dromedary with humps that look the same way in either direction
Pirate (n): pie classification system
Procrastinate (n): to delay the playing of castanets
Quintessence (n): the aroma of five babies
Raucous (n): unprepared couscous
Scherzo (n): swift-moving Italian sausage
Stalemate (n): musty friend
Sycophant (n): poorly elephant
Tachycardia (n): distasteful cardigan
Toboggan (n): winter transportation for tobacco
Unison (n): child of unisex
Voluminous (n): fluorescent vole
Wiggle (v): movement of a wig
Xerox (n): duplicate ox
Yacht (v): unexpected sneeze
Zucchini (n): Italian zookeeper trousers



Copyright © 2011 – 2012 Roy Manterfield

Disclaimer
This dictionary is for entertainment only. Whereas the entertainment value is subjective, the content is not accurate and is not intended to be used in place of an actual dictionary.


For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations


Back to MumblingNerd’s home page



And a few more favourite quotes


“Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were” ~ Unknown

“I don’t hate people, I just feel better when they aren’t around” ~ Charles Bukowski

“Please don’t follow me on facebook or twitter because I’m not on there” ~ Banksy

“An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind” ~ Mohandas Gandhi

“A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open.” ~ Frank Zappa

“Eat food. Not too much. Mostly chocolate” ~ Debbie Moose

“In many Tory seats you could probably put a blue rosette on a half-eaten scotch egg and get it elected” ~ Joseph Watts

“An economy where advertisers thrive while journalists and artists struggle, reflects the values of a society more interested in deception and manipulation than in truth and beauty” ~ Jaron Lanier

“There is absolutely nothing to be said in favour of growing old. There ought to be leglislation against it” ~ Patrick Moore

“And then everything was in the hands of gravity, which has never had much love for the terminally stupid” ~ Mira Grant

“Le doute n’est pas une condition agréable, mais la certitude est absurde” ~ Voltaire (Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd)

“Most rock journalism is people who can’t write interviewing people who can’t talk for people who can’t read” ~ Groucho Marx

“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem” ~ Woody Allen

“A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about” ~ Miguel De Unamuno

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life” ~ Rita Rudner

“Sometimes you need to sit in the wrong place to see the right view” ~ Craig Stone (The Squirrel That Dreamt Of Madness)

“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me” ~ Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“Objectivity is compromised by our ‘tyranny of expectations’; we see what we wish to see and not what is actually there” ~ Roy Manterfield

“I am for freedom of religion, & against all maneuvres to bring about a legal ascendancy of one sect over another” ~ Thomas Jefferson

“People that talk about living in the real world don’t even enjoy living in the real world” ~ Craig Stone (The Squirrel That Dreamt Of Madness)

“Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world” ~ The Buddha

“Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits” ~ Mark Twain

“I could give up chocolate for Lent, but I don’t know anyone trustworthy enough for the chocolate to be lent to” ~ Roy Manterfield

“One of the great tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion” ~ Arthur C Clarke

“Stencils are good for two reasons; one – they’re quick; two – they annoy idiots” ~ Banksy

“All that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about” ~ Charles Kingsley

“There is no exception to the rule that every rule has an exception” ~ James Thurber

“The problem, often not discovered until late in life, is that when you look for things in life like love, meaning, motivation, it implies they are sitting behind a tree or under a rock. The most successful people in life recognize, that in life they create their own love, they manufacture their own meaning, they generate their own motivation. For me, I am driven by two main philosophies, know more today about the world than I knew yesterday. And lessen the suffering of others. You’d be surprised how far that gets you.” ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson

“Follow the rules whenever possible. That makes it a lot more surprising when you break them” ~ Mira Grant (Deadline)

“We are continually faced with great opportunities which are brilliantly disguised as unsolvable problems” ~ Margaret Mead

“At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual” ~ Patrick Moore

“A martyr’s just a casualty with really good PR” ~ Mira Grant (Deadline)

“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new” ~ Albert Einstein

“Today’s greatest labor-saving device is tomorrow” ~ President Woodrow T. Wilson

“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away” ~ Kahlil Gibran

“As far as I’m concerned, I prefer silent vice to ostentatious virtue” ~ Albert Einstein

“Too old to plant trees for my own gratification, I shall do it for my posterity” ~ Thomas Jefferson

“We hang the petty theives and appoint the great ones to public office” ~ Aesop

“We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give” ~ Winston Churchill

“Politicians are not born, they are excreted” ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero (106BC-43AD)

“Science is not a collection of truths. It is a continuing exploration of mysteries” ~ Freeman Dyson

“Take sides. Neutrality always serves the oppressor and never the oppressed.” ~ Ellie Wiesel

“There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, there must never be a time however when we fail to protest” ~ Elie Wiesel



For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations



Cat quotes… I mean quotes about cats



“If cats could talk, they wouldn’t” ~ Nan Porter

“Most cats, when they are out want to be in, and vice versa, and often simultaneously” ~ Louis F. Camuti DVM

“The phrase ‘domestic cat’ is an oxymoron” ~ George F. Will

“My husband said it was him or the cat… I miss him sometimes” ~ Unknown

“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later” ~ Mary Bly

“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference” ~ Charlotte Gray

“Some people own cats and go on to lead normal lives” ~ Unknown

“No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens” ~ Abraham Lincoln

“The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat” ~ Ogden Nash

“What are kittens made of? 30% cuteness, 29% mischief, 28% purrs, 10% soft fur, 3% innocence” ~ Unknown

“A cat can purr its way out of anything” ~ Donna McCrohan

“The little furry buggers are just deep, deep wells you throw all your emotions into” ~ Bruce Schimmel

“When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with me rather than I with her?” ~ Montaigne

“You own a dog but you feed a cat” ~ Jenny de Vries

“Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well” ~ Missy Dizick

“As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat” ~ Ellen Perry Berkeley

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow” ~ Jeff Valdez

“Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want” ~ Joseph Wood Crutch

“Time spent with cats is never wasted” ~ Sigmund Freud

“Everyone needs a dog to adore him, and a cat to bring him back to reality” ~ Unknown

“The reason cats climb is so that they can look down on almost every other animal… it’s also the reason they hate birds” ~ K C Buffington

“Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience” ~ Pam Brown

“A cat is there when you call her – if she doesn’t have something better to do” ~ Bill Adler

“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution” ~ Hazel Nicholson

“If your cat falls out of a tree, go indoors to laugh” ~ Patricia Hitchcock

“Cats like doors left open – in case they change their minds” ~ Rosemary Nisbet

“A cat doesn’t know what it wants and wants more of it” ~ Richard Hexem

“A cat will do what it wants when it wants, and there’s not a thing you can do about it” ~ Frank Perkins

“If the claws didn’t retract, cats would be like Velcro” ~ Dr Bruce Fogle

“Cats never strike a pose that isn’t photogenic” ~ Lillian Jackson Braun

“A baited cat may grow as fierce as a lion” ~ Samuel Palmer

“A cat will assume the shape of its container” ~ Unknown

“Two things are aesthetically perfect in the world; the clock and the cat…” ~ Emile Auguste Chartier

“Some people say man is the most dangerous animal on the planet. Obviously those people have never met an angry cat” ~ Lillian Johnson

“In ancient times, cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this” ~ Terry Pratchett

“There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast” ~ Unknown

“Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer” ~ Bruce Graham

“The cat is the only animal which accepts the comforts but rejects the bondage of domesticity” ~
Georges Louis Leclerc de Buffon

“Those who’ll play with cats must expect to be scratched” ~ Cervantes















































































For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Daft stuff; humour, jokes, quips and gags

Puns and word-play

Quotations



Knock, knock…

I don’t think these need an intro…

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Abyssinia’ ~ ‘Abyssinia who?’ ~ ‘Abyssinia when I get back!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Adair’ ~ ‘Adair who?’ ~ ‘Adair once, but now I’m bald!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Adam’ ~ ‘Adam who?’ ~ ‘Adam up and give me the total!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Adolf’ ~ ‘Adolf who?’ ~ ‘Adolf ball hit me in de mowf!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ahmed’ ~ ‘Ahmed who?’ ~ ‘Ahmed a big mistake coming here!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Aladdin’ ~ ‘Aladdin who?’ ~ ‘Aladdin the street wants a word with you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Alex’ ~ ‘Alex who?’ ~ ‘Alex plain later!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Alfred’ ~ ‘Alfred who?’ ~ ‘Alfred the needle if you sew!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ali’ ~ ‘Ali who?’ ~ ‘Ali Mentary my dear Watson!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Alison’ ~ ‘Alison who?’ ~ ‘Alison to my radio in the mornings!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ammonia’ ~ ‘Ammonia who?’ ~ ‘Ammonia little person and I can’t reach the doorbell!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Amy’ ~ ‘Amy who?’ ~ ‘Amy fraid I’ve forgotten!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Annie’ ~ ‘Annie who?’ ~ ‘Annie one you like!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Arch’ ~ ‘Arch who?’ ~ ‘Gesundheit!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Bashful’ ~ ‘Bashful who?’ ~ ‘I can’t tell you, I’m too bashful!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Beats’ ~ ‘Beats who?’ ~ ‘Beats me, I forgot the joke!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Bigotry’ ~ ‘Bigotry who?’ ~ ‘Bigotry than the one in your garden!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Bless’ ~ ‘Bless who?’ ~ ‘Thanks, but I didn’t sneeze!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Chester’ ~ ‘Chester who?’ ~ ‘Chester minute, don’t you recognise me?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Cows’ ~ ‘Cows who?’ ~ ‘No, cows moo!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Danielle’ ~ ‘Danielle who?’ ~ ‘Danielle so loud, I heard you the first time!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Des’ ~ ‘Des who?’ ~ ‘Des no bell, that’s why I’m knocking!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Diana’ ~ ‘Diana who?’ ~ ‘Diana thirst, can I have some water please?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Dishes’ ~ ‘Dishes who?’ ~ ‘Dishes the police, open up!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Dismay’ ~ ‘Dismay who?’ ~ ‘Dismay surprise you, but I want to come in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Doctor’ ~ ‘Doctor who?’ ~ ‘That’s right; where’s my Tardis?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Doughnut’ ~ ‘Doughnut who!’ ~ ‘Doughnut open the door whatever you do!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Duke’ ~ ‘Duke who?’ ~ ‘Duke come here often!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Dunnap’ ~ ‘Dunnap who?’ ~ ‘Eeeugh!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Egbert’ ~ ‘Egbert who?’ ~ ‘Egbert no bacon please!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Eileen’ ~ ‘Eileen who?’ ~ ‘Eileen’d on your doorbell and broke it!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ellis’ ~ ‘Ellis who?’ ~ ‘Ellis before M in the dictionary!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Elsie’ ~ ‘Elsie who?’ ~ ‘Elsie you later!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Emma’ ~ ‘Emma who?’ ~ ‘Emma bit cold out here, will you let me in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Europe’ ~ ‘Europe who?’ ~ ‘Europe early this morning!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Eva’ ~ ‘Eva who?’ ~ ‘Eva you’re deaf or your doorbell isn’t working!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ewan’ ~ ‘Ewan who?’ ~ ‘No, just me!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Fitzwilliam’ ~ ‘Fitzwilliam who?’ ~ ‘Fitzwilliam better than it fits me!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Francis’ ~ ‘Francis who?’ ~ ‘Francis on the other side of the Channel!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Gladys’ ~ ‘Gladys who!’ ~ ‘Gladys Friday, aren’t you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Gorilla’ ~ ‘Gorilla who?’ ~ ‘Gorilla cheese sandwich for me and I’ll be right over!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Gus’ ~ ‘Gus who?’ ~ ‘That’s what you’re supposed to do!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hammond’ ~ ‘Hammond who?’ ~ ‘Hammond cheese on toast, please!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Handsome’ ~ ‘Handsome who?’ ~ ‘Handsome chocolate over and I’ll tell you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Harriet’ ~ ‘Harriet who?’ ~ ‘Harriet all my lunch, I’m starving!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Harry’ ~ ‘Harry who?’ ~ ‘Harry up and open this door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hawaii’ ~ ‘Hawaii who?’ ~ ‘I’m fine thanks, how are you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Heaven’ ~ ‘Heaven who?’ ~ ‘Heaven seen you in ages!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hell’ ~ ‘Hell who?’ ~ ‘Hello to you too!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Henrietta’ ~ ‘Henrietta who?’ ~ ‘Henrietta toadstool, but thought it was a mushroom!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hijack’ ~ ‘Hijack who?’ ~ ‘Hijack, how’s Jill?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Honeydew’ ~ ‘Honeydew who?’ ~ ‘Honeydew you want to come out tonight?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Howard’ ~ ‘Howard who?’ ~ ‘Howard I know?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hugh’ ~ ‘Hugh who?’ ~ ‘Hugh wouldn’t believe me if I told you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hugo’ ~ ‘Hugo who?’ ~ ‘Hugo first, I’m right behind you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ice cream!’ ~ ‘Ice cream who?’ ~ ‘Ice cream if you don’t let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Imogen.’ ~ ‘Imogen who?’ ~ ‘Imogen life without chocolate!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Interupting cow’ ~ ‘Interupting cow wh..’>‘MOOO!!’<
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Isabel’ ~ ‘Isabel who?’ ~ ‘Isabel broken, because I had to knock!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ivan’ ~ ‘Ivan who?’ ~ ‘Ivan infectious disease!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ivor’ ~ ‘Ivor who?’ ~ ‘Ivor good mind not to tell you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Jeffrey’ ~ ‘Jeffrey who?’ ~ ‘Jeffrey time I knock, you ask me who I am!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Jester’ ~ ‘Jester who?’ ~ ‘Jester minute I’m trying to find my keys!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Jim’ ~ ‘Jim who?’ ~ ‘Jim mind if I come in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Judy’ ~ ‘Judy who!’ ~ ‘Judy liver newspapers?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Juicy’ ~ ‘Juicy who!’ ~ ‘Juicy what I just saw!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Justin’ ~ ‘Justin who?’ ~ ‘Justin time to let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ken’ ~ ‘Ken who?’ ~ ‘Ken I come in, it’s freezing out here?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Kenya’ ~ ‘Kenya who?’ ~ ‘Kenya not guess who is it?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ketchup’ ~ ‘Ketchup who?’ ~ ‘Ketchup with me and I’ll tell you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lena’ ~ ‘Lena who?’ ~ ‘Lena little closer and I’ll tell you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lettuce’ ~ ‘Lettuce who?’ ~ ‘Lettuce in and I’ll tell you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Little old lady’ ~ ‘Little old lady who?’ ~ ‘I didn’t know you could yodel!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lucy’ ~ ‘Lucy who?’ ~ ‘Lucy Lastic can be embarrassing!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lydia’ ~ ‘Lydia who?’ ~ ‘Lydia teapot is broken!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Major’ ~ ‘Major who?’ ~ ‘Major answer didn’t I!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mandy’ ~ ‘Mandy who?’ ~ ‘Mandy lifeboats, we’re sinking!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mary’ ~ ‘Mary who?’ ~ ‘Mary Christmas!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Me’ ~ ‘Me who?’ ~ ‘I didn’t know you had a cat!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Midas’ ~ ‘Midas who?’ ~ ‘Midas well open the door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mister’ ~ ‘Mister who?’ ~ ‘Mister last bus home!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mort’ ~ ‘Mort who?’ ~ ‘Mort to the point, who are you?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Muffin’ ~ ‘Muffin who?’ ~ ‘Muffin the matter with me, how about you?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Nicholas’ ~ ‘Nicholas who?’ ~ ‘Nicholas girls shouldn’t climb trees!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Noah’ ~ ‘Noah who?’ ~ ‘Noah don’t know who you are either!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Nobody’ ~ ‘Nobody who?’ ~ ‘Just nobody!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Noise’ ~ ‘Noise who?’ ~ ‘Noise to see you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Norma’ ~ ‘Norma who?’ ~ ‘Normally I have a key!’
‘Neutrino…’ ‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’…
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Oil’ ~ ‘Oil who?’ ~ ‘Oil be seeing you as soon as you let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Olga’ ~ ‘Olga who?’ ~ ‘Olga home if you don’t open this door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Olive’ ~ ‘Olive who?’ ~ ‘Olive next door to you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Omelette’ ~ ‘Omelette who?’ ~ ‘Omeletting the cat in, open the door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Opportunity’ ~ ‘Don’t be silly, opportunity doesn’t knock twice!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Orange’ ~ ‘Orange who?’ ~ ‘Orange you going to let me in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Oreo’ ~ ‘Oreo who?’ ~ ‘When Oreo going to open this door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Owl’ ~ ‘Owl who?’ ~ ‘Owl I can say is knock knock!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Paul’ ~ ‘Paul who?’ ~ ‘Paul harder, the door’s stuck again!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Pier’ ~ ‘Pier who?’ ~ ‘Pier through the keyhole and you’ll see!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Plato’ ~ ‘Plato who?’ ~ ‘Plato fish and chips please’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Quaint’ ~ ‘Quaint who?’ ~ ‘Quaint you going to let me in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Qualm’ ~ ‘Qualm who?’ ~ ‘Qualm before the storm!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Quay’ ~ ‘Quay who?’ ~ ‘Quay pon leaving me out here and there’ll be trouble!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Queue’ ~ ‘Queue who?’ ~ ‘Queue can let me in now!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Quit’ ~ ‘Quit who?’ ~ ‘Quit locking me out!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Renata’ ~ ‘Renata who?’ ~ ‘Renata milk; could I borrow some?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Robin’ ~ ‘Robin who?’ ~ ‘Robin you if you let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Salmon’ ~ ‘Salmon who?’ ~ ‘Salmon chanted evening, you may see a stranger…’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sari’ ~ ‘Sari who?’ ~ ‘Sari, wrong house!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Says’ ~ ‘Says who?’ ~ ‘Says me, that’s who!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Scold’ ~ ‘Scald who?’ ~ ‘Scald outside, let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Scott’ ~ ‘Scott who?’ ~ ‘Scott nothing to do with you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sesame’ ~ ‘Sesame who?’ ~ ‘Open sesame!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Seymour’ ~ ‘Seymour who?’ ~ ‘Seymour if you had glass in the door’
‘Knock, knock, knock!, Penny? ‘Knock, knock, knock!, Penny? ‘Knock, knock, knock!, Penny? ~ ‘SHELDON!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sherwood’ ~ ‘Sherwood who?’ ~ ‘Sherwood like to come in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Shirley’ ~ ‘Shirley who?’ ~ ‘Shirley you know who I am?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Signor’ ~ ‘Signor who?’ ~ ‘Signor light on, so I knocked!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sloane’ ~ ‘Sloane who?’ ~ ‘Sloanely outside, let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sofa’ ~ ‘Sofa who?’ ~ ‘Sofa, so good, now let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sonia’ ~ ‘Sonia who?’ ~ ‘Sonia postman with a parcel!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Snow’ ~ ‘Snow who?’ ~ ‘Snow good asking me, I don’t know!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Stan’ ~ ‘Stan who?’ ~ ‘Stan back, I’m coming in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Stopwatch’ ~ ‘Stopwatch who?’ ~ ‘Stopwatch you’re doing and let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sultan’ ~ ‘Sultan who?’ ~ ‘Sultan pepper!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tank’ ~ ‘Tank who?’ ~ ‘You’re welcome!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tennis’ ~ ‘Tennis who?’ ~ ‘Tennis five plus five!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Teresa’ ~ ‘Teresa who?’ ~ ‘Teresa green!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Thayer’ ~ ‘Thayer who?’ ~ ‘Thayer sorry and I won’t thay another thing!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Thermos’ ~ ‘Thermos who?’ ~ ‘Thermos be a better knock knock joke than this!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Whose their?’ ~ ‘The spelling police!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Thistle’ ~ ‘Thistle who?’ ~ ‘Thistle be the last time I knock on this door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tish’ ~ ‘Tish who?’ ~ ‘Bless you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Titus’ ~ ‘Titus who?’ ~ ‘Titus it can be!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tobias’ ~ ‘Tobias who?’ ~ ‘Tobias a pig, that’s why I went to market!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Toby’ ~ ‘Toby who?’ ~ ‘Toby or not Toby, that is the question!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Twit’ ~ ‘Twit who?’ ~ ‘Do you have an owl in there?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Toodle’ ~ ‘Toodle who?’ ~ ‘Goodbye!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Touch’ ~ ‘Touch who?’ ~ ‘Touch me and I’ll screem!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Toucan’ ~ ‘Toucan who?’ ~ ‘Toucan live as cheaply as one!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tuba’ ~ ‘Tuba who?’ ~ ‘Tuba toothpaste!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tuna’ ~ ‘Tuna who?’ ~ ‘You can tuna a piano, but you can’t tuna fish!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Turner’ ~ ‘Turner who?’ ~ ‘Turner round, there’s something behind you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Turnip’ ~ ‘Turnip who?’ ~ ‘Turnip late again and your fired!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Uphill’ ~ ‘Uphill who?’ ~ ‘Uphill’s easier to swallow with water!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Uruguay’ ~ ‘Uruguay who?’ ~ ‘Uraguay and I’m a girl!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Vanda’ ~ ‘Vanda who?’ ~ ‘Vanda you vant me to come in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Verdi’ ~ ‘Verdi who?’ ~ ‘Verdi you get those curtains?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Waddle’ ~ ‘Waddle who?’ ~ ‘Waddle you give me to go away?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Waiter’ ~ ‘Waiter who?’ ~ ‘Waiter minute, it’ll come back to me…’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wanda’ ~ ‘Wanda who?’ ~ ‘Wanda when you’ll let me in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wander’ ~ ‘Wander who?’ ~ ‘Wander buy some cookies?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ward’ ~ ‘Ward who?’ ~ ‘Ward do you care who it is?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Watson’ ~ ‘Watson who?’ ~ ‘Watson the menu today?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wayne’ ~ ‘Wayne who?’ ~ ‘Wayne are you going to let me in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Weaken’ ~ ‘Weaken who?’ ~ ‘Weaken work it out, just let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Will’ ~ ‘Will who?’ ~ ‘Will you let me in please?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wilma’ ~ ‘Wilma who?’ ~ ‘Wilma lunch be ready soon?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wooden shoe’ ~ ‘Wooden shoe who?’ ~ ‘Wooden shoe like to know!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Xenia’ ~ ‘Xenia who?’ ~ ‘Xenia through the keyhole!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Xenophile’ ~ ‘Xenophile who?’ ~ ‘Xenophile anywhere? I’ve lost mine!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘X-ray’ ~ ‘X-ray who?’ ~ ‘X-ray Ted!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yah’ ~ ‘Yah who?’ ~ ‘Ride em cowboy!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yam’ ~ ‘Yam who?’ ~ ‘I Yam what I yam!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yelp’ ~ ‘Yelp who?’ ~ ‘Yelp me please, by dose is stuck in the keyhole!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘You’ ~ ‘You who?’ ~ ‘Did you call?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yukon’ ~ ‘Yukon who?’ ~ ‘Yukon let me in now!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yul’ ~ ‘Yul who?’ ~ ‘Yul never guess!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yvonne’ ~ ‘Yvonne who?’ ~ ‘Yvonne to come in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zap’ ~ ‘Zap who?’ ~ ‘Zap bout time you opened this door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zealot’ ~ ‘Zealot who?’ ~ ‘Zealot of us waiting to come in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zebra’ ~ ‘Zebra who?’ ~ ‘Zebra iz too tight, I voot like to exchange it for a larger size!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zepher’ ~ ‘Zepher who?’ ~ ‘Zepher nately time to open the door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zero’ ~ ‘Zero who?’ ~ ‘Zero of ze doorbells are all broken, so I had to knock!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zone’ ~ ‘Zone who?’ ~ ‘Zonely me, can I come in?’

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations




MumblingNerd’s blog ~ 2011 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 15,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 6 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Nottingham’s Robin Hood statue

Robin Hood Statue

Robin Hood statue

Nottingham’s Robin Hood statue was unveiled on 24 July 1952 by the Duchess of Portland, Ivy Cavendish-Bentinck, of Welbeck in Nottinghamshire.

It was donated to the city by Nottingham industrialist Philip E F Clay, of Radcliffe-on-Trent near Nottingham, who gave £5,000 to Nottingham City Council. He requested that it should mark the visit of Princess Elizabeth and the Duke of Edinburgh on 28 June 1949, for the 500th anniversary of the 1449 Charter making the Borough of Nottingham into a separate County from Nottinghamshire.

The 2.1 metre high bronze statue was sculpted by James Woodford RA, a former student of the Nottingham School of Art, and made by Morris Singer & Co of Basingstoke, Hampshire. It was estimated that it should last for 6,000 years.

Line drawing of the Robin Hood statue (© Nottingham City Council)

Line drawing of the Robin Hood statue (© Nottingham City Council)

James Woodford was born in Nottingham in 1894, before moving to London. James also designed Queen Elizabeth’s heraldic beasts which were made especially for the royal approach to Westminster for the Coronation in 1953.

The site for the statue, in the dry moat outside the Castle, was chosen in November 1951 by Nottingham City Council for its medieval character and for the legendary association with Robin Hood.

The statue stands alone; James Woodford said at the time “Personally I think it would have been too sentimental to put Maid Marian with Robin Hood.” But around the statue are reliefs depicting scenes from the legends; Maid Marian helping Robin and Friar Tuck in their fight against Guy of Gisborne’s men, Richard the Lionheart joining Marian’s hand with Robin’s, Little John and Robin fighting on a bridge and Robin shooting his last arrow.

Robin Hood is one the world’s best known and most enduring legends, the stories attract visitors from all over the world, who come to see the statue and have their photograph taken standing next to it.

The Robin Hood statue and the Castle Gatehouse are just a few minutes walk along Friar Lane from the Old Market Square.

The Robin Hood statue and Nottingham Castle Gatehouse

The Robin Hood statue and Nottingham Castle Gatehouse












For other information about Nottingham click here


If you want to know more about Nottingham’s past there is further information in ‘Events and dates in Nottingham’s history’ and through these websites:

The Nottinghamshire Heritage Gateway

The Thoroton Society of Nottinghamshire

Nottingham Local Studies Library



Star Trek gags

Official 40th Anniversary Star Trek logo. Copyright 2007 Paramount Pictures and CBS Studios Inc.

Official 40th Anniversary Star Trek logo. Copyright 2007 Paramount Pictures and CBS Studios Inc.


A small miscellaneous collection of jokes for Trekkies, linked, however loosely, to various Star Trek TV series.

Well, you have to start with THE classic:

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? ~ Three: the left ear, the right ear and the final front ear

Mr Spock has pointed ears and Mr Scott has engineers

Why was Star Trek so successful? ~ It had good Genes

‘Bones’ McCoy: “I’ve borrowed Mr Scott’s bagpipes” ~ Kirk: “But you can’t play them” ~ ‘Bones’ McCoy: “While I’ve got them, neither can he”

Why did Worf change his hair colour? ~ It was a good day to dye

Will Riker’s dating philosophy: ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try Troi again’

What do Romulan frogs use for camouflage? ~ A croaking device

The Ferengi have opened a new restaurant on the Moon; the food’s great, but there’s no atmosphere

What’s Jean-Luc’s favourite card trick? ~ Picard, any card

The Borg ~ Wrappers are futile; chocolate will be assimilated

We are the Borg; ESC is futile, CTRL is inevitable, your files will be assimilated

Star Trek Books

‘Chekov The Navigator’ I Kiptin

‘Data’s Positronic Brain’ Anne Droid

‘Resist’ Stan Sisfutile

‘You’ Will B Assimilated

‘Make it Sew’ #1 Needlework book ~ Jean-Luc Picard

Changing a light bulb

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? ~ Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? ~ None, because Klingons aren’t afraid of the dark

How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb? ~ Two; one to change it and one to sell the old bulb as an antique

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? ~ All of them collectively

How many Enterprise crew members does it take to change a light bulb? ~ Three; one to change it and two red shirted security men to die in the process

Crossing the road

Why did Mr Scott’s chicken cross the road? ~ Because it couldna take much morrrrrrre!

Why did the Vulcan chicken cross the road? ~ It was the logical thing to do

Why did the Borg cross the road? ~ To assimilate the chicken


For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations



Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.