Punicious Punography


Punicious PunographyI used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; it’s impossible to put down.

I’m glad I know sign language; it comes in handy.

If towels could tell jokes, they would probably have a dry sense of humour.

Police were called to a nursery where a three year old was resisting a rest.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

A man had his left arm and leg amputated; he’s all right now.

I wondered why the football was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

If you asked a plastic surgeon to make you look like a pelican, would you get a massive bill?

When ancient wall sculptors finished their work, it was a relief.

Someone left a piece of Plasticine in my house. I didn’t know what to make of it.

As one frog croaked to the other; “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”

Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas because he felt his presents.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.

Just watched a religious order playing stringed instruments; there’s too much sects and violins on TV these days.

I nearly lost my frog puppet recently; it tried to Kermit suicide.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

I saw a kidnapping today, but decided not to wake him up.

I’ve spilt glue all over my autobiography. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I’ve just eaten a very hard biscuit; that was one tough cookie.

There are a few grave diggers wandering around the local graveyard; I think they’ve lost the plot.

I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.

Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Palaeontologists thought they’d found new evidence of a missing link, but it was just another fossil arm.

There’s a terrible smell in the local Apple store; it’s a shame they don’t have Windows.

I use my iPhone when I can’t get to sleep; I have a nap for it.

I found out why our refuse collectors are so miserable; they’ve been down in the dumps.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office DVD is in big trouble; you have my Word.

A woman said she’d recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

What do you call someone with neither a body nor a nose? Nobody nose.

I heard a song about a tortilla today; actually it was more of a wrap.

I decided not to return to my drumming lessons for fear of the repercussions.

I heard that OXYGEN and MAGNESIUM were going out and I was like O Mg!

If the devil ever loses his hair there will be hell toupée.

Why do you never hear a pterodactyl use a toilet? Because the P is silent.

I haven’t done the hokey cokey in years. As you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

I just read an advert for a job inspecting mirrors; I could really see myself doing that.

I have an irrational fear of speed bumps; but I’m slowly getting over it.

People who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

Picasso once had a job as a stadium illustrator; he always drew a big crowd.

I worked in a paperless office once; everyone avoided the toilets.

The invention of the pickaxe was ground breaking.

I had to fire a masseuse today; she was rubbing people up the wrong way.

Apparently, the Sydney Opera House is off quay.

I have a very successful business building yachts in the attic; sails are going through the roof.

I often get a lift from an old school friend who always drives in reverse gear; we do go back a long way.

I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.



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About these ads

Shopping jokes

Shopping jokesI bought some new electric garden trimmers; they’re cutting-hedge technology.

‘VENI, VEDI, VISA’: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

I thought I’d visit some different stores, but when you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.

I think the local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew its seams.

Never get behind the Devil in a Post Office queue, for the Devil has many forms.

I’m going to a local shop for the first time; I’ve no idea what’s in store.

A ladder has been stolen from a hardware store; the manager says that further steps will be taken.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers today, but I couldn’t find any.

Plastic surgery is very expensive; amputations cost an arm and a leg.

Why can’t fishmongers be more generous? Because their business makes them sell fish.

I went to the music shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said: ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

A shopkeeper just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might be a heroine dealer.

I went to the hardware store to buy a curtain rod and the manager asked me how long I’d want it; so I told him I’d like to keep it.

Our baker has a sense of humour; he bakes wry bread.

I’ve bought one of those memory foam cushions, but I can’t remember where I put it.

The bicycle shop owner broke his ankle and was unable to peddle his wares.

At the grocery store a dangerous new strain of bacteria has been found in packs of soft butter; and it spreads easily.

I know I’ve bought lots of Velcro cable grips, but I can’t find any now. I must be losing my grip.

A pub started brewing in-house because they loved draught beer, but in the end, they bottled it.

I saw a huge new funeral parlour opening today; it was quite an undertaking.

Our butcher sells sausages online; but the link’s broken.

Our butcher backed into his meat slicer; now he’s got a little behind in his work.

Our butcher had to sell all his rabbits and pheasants, because he didn’t want to give the game away.

I bought eight legs of venison from our butcher for £40; is that two deer?

I asked our butcher if he had a capon, but he said; “No, who do you think I am, Batman?”

I bought some Toulouse sausages today, now I can’t find them; they must have been too easy Toulouse.

I only asked for a leg of lamb from the butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.

Horse meat was once sold in a lot of British butcher shops, but they were flogging a dead horse.

In the café today I tried to grab something to drink my milkshake with, but I was just clutching at straws.

A car showroom used to smuggle cars into the country, until they were convicted of trafficking.

I bought my wife a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle; I don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.

I’ve ordered some German food over the internet; the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

I recently bought some very expensive perfume as a gift; I’ve no common scents.

Stationery traffic has been blamed on the huge number of vehicles delivering envelopes & writing paper.

“Do you sell hot water bottles?” ~ “I’m afraid not; have you tried Boots?” ~ “Yes, but the water comes out of the lace holes”

I managed to buy twelve rare collectable postcards for only 10 US cents, but then found out they were a dime a dozen.

I went to get food at a takeaway, but changed my mind because the owner had a chip on his shoulder.

I drove to the supermarket with a tiny carrot; I was in such a hurry I had to take the shortest root.

Milliners are very irritable; they can get angry at the drop of a hat.



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How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb?

A small collection of ‘light bulb’ jokes; prompted by the glowing and vibrant Bright Ideas Nottingham.


How many men does it take to change a light bulb?How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? There’s no such thing as aliens… anyway they’re too short and only use glowballs.

How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the entire collective will be thinking about it.

How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s not rocket science.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’ll need at least three light bulbs.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one; they don’t like to share the spotlight.

How many librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but I can look it up for you.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? It depends on what you want them to change it into.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.

How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the new bulb probably won’t work either.

How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb might start working again.

How many historians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know; that’s not my period.

How many public relations staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re supposed to keep you in the dark.

How many voyeurs does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’d much rather watch someone else do it.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many IT tech staff does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and on again?

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? Cats don’t change light bulbs; they have servants for that.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb will change itself when it’s ready.

How many council staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; the work’s been outsourced.

How many censors does it take to change a light bulb? ███; one to ████, another to ███ while █ ███ ██ with ███.

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Four; one to change the bulb and three to brag about how big it is.

How many Thought Police does it take to change a light bulb? None; there ‘never was’ a light bulb…

How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? None; you’ll never get their attention.

How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s a hardware problem.

How many tech-support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring…

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and another to change it back again.

How many government ministers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they sack someone else for letting it go out.

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to carry out a risk assessment.

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb? Three; one to change it and two to argue about its age.

How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb? Sorry, we closed a few seconds ago.

How many proof readers does it take to light a change blub? Sorry, I didn’t sea that won.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Two; the new one and the old one.

How many advertising executives does it take to change a light bulb? None; dark is a brand new feature of the bulb.

How many chickens does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to cross the road.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? No chance, but the cat wants to know when the light will be repaired, when its food will served up and when a proper massage will begin?

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb? One; plus or minus three (small sample size).

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? None ‘o yo’ damn business!!

How many Mensa members does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb isn’t bright enough.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the bulb and one not to change it.

How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb? None; Klingons aren’t afraid of the dark.

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000.

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? Irrelevant; you will be assimilated and change it for us.

How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the light bulb and one to hold the penis, mother, I mean LADDER!

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don’t ask me how they got in there!

How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? “I can’t tell whether you mean ‘change’ a light bulb or ‘have sex’ in a light bulb. Can we reword it to remove the ambiguity?”

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to rotate it and one to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? One, no two, no four, no eight, no…

How many Catholic Priests / C of E Vicars / Orthodox Rabbis (delete as applicable) does it take to change light bulb? “Change? Change??!”

How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two; one to change it and one to protest that it should be ‘light bulb’.

How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re not interested in that short wave stuff.

How many Bob Dylan fans does it take to change a light bulb? The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.



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Even shorter jokes

Time flies like an arrowWriting with a broken pencil is pointless.

I read magazines periodically.

Clones are people two.

Geese grow up & grow down at the same time.

The writing is on the wall for graffiti.

River valleys are gorgeous.

I’m itching to visit a Flea Market.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Drilling holes for water is well boring.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

After M and T my diary says WTF.

Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8th

Queen bees often come out in hives.

I’ve sold my homing pigeon eight times on eBay.

Sparkling water is still water.

Spoonerists are teople poo.

There are many misconceptions about pregnancy.

Whales are weighed at a whale weigh station.

William Tell’s son was the apple of his eye.

People say love is blind, but I can’t see it myself.

Being castrated is a eunuch experience.

Amputations cost an arm and a leg.

Bee stings are in the hand of the bee holder.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Do hotel managers get board with their jobs?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Root canal work is deeply unnerving.

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

Why was the broom late? It overswept.

Which cheese is made backwards? Edam.

How do you get Holy Water? Boil the hell out of it.

Milliners get angry at the drop of a hat.

Noah kept bees in the ark hives.

My bucket isn’t very well; it’s a little pail.

Polite children take after their parents.

Pouring from teapots is a strain.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

Fatigues are tired uniforms.

I have a yen to visit Tokyo.

Consciousness; that annoying time between naps.

Subservient fish know their plaice.

What’s green & runs around the garden? A hedge.

Genetic scientists wear eau de clone.

What’s red and invisible? No tomatoes.

I’ve found a hole in my sock; darn it!

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

My ventriloquist’s dummy is already spoken for.

Aesop was famous for his foibles.

Walking on hot coals is no mean feet.

Apparently the Dalai Lama is not actually a Llama.

If you sit on a pumpkin, does it become a squash?

If a clock’s hungry it goes back four seconds.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Hermaphroditism is an end in itself.

Business is looking up for astronomers.

French philosophers vie for the meaning of life.

The French version of ‘Cats’ is a chat show.

I’m so thirsty I could drink Canada Dry.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

I’m a big fan of wind turbines.

A good pun is its own reword.



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Yet another selection of jokes and word play


I want to learn how to make ice-cream, so I’m going to sundae school.

On the stock exchange today, helium was up, feathers were down and paper was stationary.

Why did the biscuit cry? Because his mother was a wafer too long.

When police officers get cold they go undercover.

Trainee pilots are nervous because their future is always up in the air.

I’d quite like to be a millionaire just like my dad; he always wanted to be a millionaire too.

I saw someone on the beach shouting “Help, shark! Help!” You have to laugh; that shark’s never going to help him.

Sunglasses are a bit like Facebook; you can stare at people without getting caught.

One tiny mistake can ruin everything you’ve worked so hard for; Tetris can be so damned annoying.

There’s a time and place for wasting your life away and this is it.

Don’t you just hate it when people use words that Google can’t find?

James Bond once slept right through an earthquake; he was shaken, not stirred.

I couldn’t afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive and steel wool.

Bakers with a sense of humour bake wry bread.

The best way to make an apple crumble is to torture it for 10 minutes.

A car showroom used to smuggle cars into the country, until they were convicted of trafficking.

A dangerous new strain of bacteria has been found in packs of soft butter; and it spreads easily.

Three of my fingers are willing, but my thumb and forefinger are opposed.

Police are searching for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lighted match; they want to catch him before he strikes again.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses three thousand times the memory.

Experience is great: it allows you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

Mathematical puns are the first sine of madness.

By the time you can make ends meet, somebody has moves the ends.

If everything seems to be going well, you have probably overlooked something.

Madness takes its toll; please have the exact change ready.

One good thing about egotists; they don’t talk about other people.

I always wanted to be a pharmacist, because I grew up on a pharm.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a baby horse and made a complete foal of myself.

Although he was afraid of mice, it didn’t keep him from eeking out a living at a pet store.

How do you make a whale float? A glass of soda, a scoop of ice cream and a whale.

An old gag: When the author of the hokey cokey died it was a nightmare getting him in the coffin; everytime they put his left leg in…

A French restaurant had five dishwashers; they were known as the kitchen cinq.

A jellyfish walked into a hardware shop and bought ten drills.

When ceiling fans were invented, they were considered revolutionary.

If anyone knows the shortest word in the English language containing the letters A, B, C, D, E and F, I’d welcome FEEDBACK.

Our cat did really well in the milk-drinking competition; he licked the competition and won by six laps.

I couldn’t make my mind up whether to set our scales to pounds or kilos, and then I decided either weigh would do.

The Bicycle Wheel Manufacturers Association has appointed a new spokes-person.

I used to go to an origami class, until it folded.

It’s always best to use teabags, as all proper tea is theft.

The knight walked into the blacksmith’s shop and the blacksmith said; “come in, you’ve got mail.”

A man walked into a bar and asked for a pitcher full of beer, so the bartender gave him a drunken baseball player.

Looking up at the stars tonight, I began to ask some profound questions like… “Where the hell is the shed roof?”

How do you get to Wales in a Mini; one in the back and one in the front.

How do you get two whales in a Mini; down the M4 and over the Severn Bridge.

Support bacteria! It’s the only culture some people have.

Women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.

Gas powered aircraft were never successful; in strong winds the pilot used to go out.

Squirrels swim on their back to keep their nuts dry.

Drat, I forgot to go to the gym again today; that’s 42 years in a row now.

Coming soon, timepieces for astronauts; watch this space!

No one could play cards on the ark, because Noah sat on the deck.

I was going to tweet a really good joke about apathy, but I can’t be bothered.

My favourite outdoor activity is coming back inside.

Interesting; apparently you can go to the gym without mentioning in on Twitter or Facebook.

I’ve made my lawn chicken-proof; it’s impeccable.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.

Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

Someone just told me I’m delusional! I nearly fell off my unicorn.

Is anyone else worried about that 0.01% of germs that can’t be killed?

Can you imagine the self control you’d need if you worked in a bubble wrap factory?

I never make the same mistake twice; four or five times usually covers it.

When one door closes another one opens; that’s yet another reason the car needs servicing.

How is it that in maths problems you can buy 75 cantaloupes and no one asks why?

If a racing driver’s wheel failed during a race, he’d have to re-tyre.

If you crossed a dog with a chicken, would you get pooched eggs?

If I download 1,000 puns from the Internet, I’d be well e-quipped.

A shepherd drove his flock of sheep through town and got a traffic ticket for making a ewe turn.

An X-ray specialist married one of her patients and everyone wondered what she saw in him.

I’m trying to lose weight by going to the paint store; apparently you can get thinner there.

I have a huge peak on my baseball cap; it’s my supervisor.

If you had to choose between your partner and £1,000,000, what is the first thing you would buy?

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

House training your dog might be a great idea, but it doesn’t look good on paper.

What happens when sound advice falls upon deaf ears?

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands. (This joke never grows old)

Make the little things count; teach maths to young children.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing; they just waved.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.

If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

As the shoe said to the hat; “You go on a head and I’ll follow on foot.”

I saw an enza virus outside; I opened the window and influenza.

A letter from NHS Blood and Transplant said I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

I tried to catch some fog, but mist.

I know someone who’s addicted to brake fluid; he says he can stop any time.

When chemists die, they barium.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Native Americans were the first people to arrive in the continent because they had reservations.

The Energiser Bunny has been arrested and charged with battery.

PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

If you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Does anyone know who Quasimodo is? It doesn’t ring any bells with me.

The book I published about failure has been a great success; it didn’t sell.

I didn’t like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.

My deafness has been cured; I never thought I’d hear myself saying that.



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Even more short jokes


Even more short jokesIf a mime is arrested, do they have the right to remain silent?

My long-haired friend was fired from the hot dog stand for putting his hair in a bun.

I can’t choose between silver and gold; it could be either ore.

An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks; the nephew is now busy winding up the estate.

I find falling asleep is so easy I could do it with my eyes closed.

Forklift truck drivers don’t like puns; they find them unpalletable.

If a tortoise doesn’t have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

The new Elvis Presley themed steakhouses are for people who love meat tender.

Tractors are magic; I followed one recently that suddenly turned into a field.

To oceanographers, things are never bad, they’re abyss-mal.

Lightning always shocks people, because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

Do ambassadors stay healthy because of diplomatic immunity?

A relative ate wheat even though he was allergic to it; he was a gluten for punishment.

Good King Wenceslas likes his pizza deep-pan, crisp and even.

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!

The boy stood on the burning deck; it was the only way he could put out the flames on his pack of cards.

If a spider lives in a maize field, does it make cob webs?

Two scientists studying fungi and algae became friends after they took a lichen to each other.

When psychiatrists give presents, are they always shrink wrapped?

A friend lost his left arm and left leg in an accident; he’s all right now.

I saw an exceptionally good scarecrow; it was out standing in its field.

My friend left her gloves in a secluded cave, still, they were hermits.

A man, who dreamt he was a wheel on a car and then a catalytic converter, woke up tired and exhausted.

A farmer has a herd of 200 cattle; he thought there were only 197 until he rounded them up.

I’ve damaged some small pieces of my chess set, so I took them to a pawn broker.

One of my ancestors tried prospecting for gold, but it didn’t pan out.

The local priest has been making the Sign of the Cross so often; he’s had to stop counting his blessings.

Cows wear cowbells because their horns don’t work.

I was going to procrastinate now, but I’ve decided to do it later.

You would be in Seine if you jumped off a bridge in Paris.

A burglar fell into a cement mixer and became a hardened criminal.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

I bought a birthday card shaped like a boomerang; it said ‘Many Happy Returns’.

What do you get if you cross a canary with a mole? A mynah bird.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

In a Chinese geography test Peking is no longer allowed.

I had a very happy childhood. Dad loved to put me inside a tyre and roll me downhill. Those were the good years.

The Canadian government has set up a lottery, only for people in the north. You have to be Inuit to win it.

I phoned Seaworld the other day. They told me, ‘your call may be monitored for training porpoises.’

“You won’t like me when I’m angry. I back up my rage with documented facts and sources.” ~ The Credible Hulk

If you divide the diameter of a jack-o’-lantern by its circumference, do you get pumpkin Pi?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine yesterday is now fully recovered.

My neighbour couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist, so he was repossessed.

Police have been called to a nursery where a child was resisting a rest.

I’ve washed a set of hand bells, but I can’t wring them out.

The inebriated optician only had two glasses before he made a spectacle of himself.

I’ve just bought a three season bed; there’s no spring.

A friend of mine ran into a sieve, but he just strained himself.

Most money is tainted; it taint yours and it taint mine.

I was taken ill at the airport; it was serious, but not terminal.

I apologise; I saw a chiropractor, not an osteopath. I stand corrected.

The Dutchman with inflatable footwear has popped his clogs.

If you ate a lifetime’s supply of chocolate in one day, should you be worried?

I could explain why I have a superiority complex, but I doubt you’d understand.

When it comes to dictionaries, everyone is past caring.

People who copy and paste jokes from Facebook are idiots. Like • Comment • Share  A few seconds ago

Will you buy me chocolate? (A) Yes – (B) A – (C) B

Went to buy 6 cans of Sprite recently; it was only when I got home that I realised I’d picked 7up.

lol = Drowning Man. *lol* = Drowning Cheerleader.

I’ve just been given a framed picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa; I can’t get the damn thing to hang straight.

You should never run away from your problems. Unless your problem is a very large predator with big teeth.

We’ve just bought a new fridge; you should have seen my face light up when I opened it.

Tough, hard, durable… Sorry, I don’t usually use strong language.

I’ve attached a clock to a mirror; now I have time for reflection.

German no-frills supermarkets are taking over the country Lidl by Lidl, but Aldi you stop it?

Interesting, my new keyboard has a safety notice: “WARNING Using this keyboard may cause drowsi

I’ve just realised; the dawn chorus involves an awful lot of RTs.

Another washday and another sad statistic; the divorce rate among our socks is shocking.

If I had to describe myself with three words they would be “I’m really bad at maths”.

The Zen Master went up to the hot-dog stand and said; “Make me one with everything.”

I used to think I had attention deficit disorder, but now I’m n… Oooh look an insect!

The dentist and the manicurist fought tooth and nail.

I found an illegally parked frog in the garden and had it toad away.

Clones are people two.

If you say ‘gullible’ slowly it sounds like ‘oranges’.



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Knock, knock…

I don’t think these need an intro…

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Abyssinia’ ~ ‘Abyssinia who?’ ~ ‘Abyssinia when I get back!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Adair’ ~ ‘Adair who?’ ~ ‘Adair once, but now I’m bald!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Adam’ ~ ‘Adam who?’ ~ ‘Adam up and give me the total!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Adolf’ ~ ‘Adolf who?’ ~ ‘Adolf ball hit me in de mowf!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ahmed’ ~ ‘Ahmed who?’ ~ ‘Ahmed a big mistake coming here!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Aladdin’ ~ ‘Aladdin who?’ ~ ‘Aladdin the street wants a word with you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Alex’ ~ ‘Alex who?’ ~ ‘Alex plain later!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Alfred’ ~ ‘Alfred who?’ ~ ‘Alfred the needle if you sew!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ali’ ~ ‘Ali who?’ ~ ‘Ali Mentary my dear Watson!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Alison’ ~ ‘Alison who?’ ~ ‘Alison to my radio in the mornings!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ammonia’ ~ ‘Ammonia who?’ ~ ‘Ammonia little person and I can’t reach the doorbell!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Amy’ ~ ‘Amy who?’ ~ ‘Amy fraid I’ve forgotten!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Annie’ ~ ‘Annie who?’ ~ ‘Annie one you like!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Arch’ ~ ‘Arch who?’ ~ ‘Gesundheit!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Bashful’ ~ ‘Bashful who?’ ~ ‘I can’t tell you, I’m too bashful!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Beats’ ~ ‘Beats who?’ ~ ‘Beats me, I forgot the joke!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Bigotry’ ~ ‘Bigotry who?’ ~ ‘Bigotry than the one in your garden!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Bless’ ~ ‘Bless who?’ ~ ‘Thanks, but I didn’t sneeze!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Chester’ ~ ‘Chester who?’ ~ ‘Chester minute, don’t you recognise me?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Cows’ ~ ‘Cows who?’ ~ ‘No, cows moo!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Danielle’ ~ ‘Danielle who?’ ~ ‘Danielle so loud, I heard you the first time!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Des’ ~ ‘Des who?’ ~ ‘Des no bell, that’s why I’m knocking!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Diana’ ~ ‘Diana who?’ ~ ‘Diana thirst, can I have some water please?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Dishes’ ~ ‘Dishes who?’ ~ ‘Dishes the police, open up!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Dismay’ ~ ‘Dismay who?’ ~ ‘Dismay surprise you, but I want to come in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Doctor’ ~ ‘Doctor who?’ ~ ‘That’s right; where’s my Tardis?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Doorbell Repairman!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Doughnut’ ~ ‘Doughnut who!’ ~ ‘Doughnut open the door whatever you do!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Duke’ ~ ‘Duke who?’ ~ ‘Duke come here often!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Dunnap’ ~ ‘Dunnap who?’ ~ ‘Eeeugh!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Egbert’ ~ ‘Egbert who?’ ~ ‘Egbert no bacon please!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Eileen’ ~ ‘Eileen who?’ ~ ‘Eileen’d on your doorbell and broke it!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ellis’ ~ ‘Ellis who?’ ~ ‘Ellis before M in the dictionary!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Elsie’ ~ ‘Elsie who?’ ~ ‘Elsie you later!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Emma’ ~ ‘Emma who?’ ~ ‘Emma bit cold out here, will you let me in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Europe’ ~ ‘Europe who?’ ~ ‘Europe early this morning!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Eva’ ~ ‘Eva who?’ ~ ‘Eva you’re deaf or your doorbell isn’t working!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ewan’ ~ ‘Ewan who?’ ~ ‘No, just me!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Fitzwilliam’ ~ ‘Fitzwilliam who?’ ~ ‘Fitzwilliam better than it fits me!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Francis’ ~ ‘Francis who?’ ~ ‘Francis on the other side of the Channel!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Gladys’ ~ ‘Gladys who!’ ~ ‘Gladys Friday, aren’t you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Gorilla’ ~ ‘Gorilla who?’ ~ ‘Gorilla cheese sandwich for me and I’ll be right over!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Gus’ ~ ‘Gus who?’ ~ ‘That’s what you’re supposed to do!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hammond’ ~ ‘Hammond who?’ ~ ‘Hammond cheese on toast, please!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Handsome’ ~ ‘Handsome who?’ ~ ‘Handsome chocolate over and I’ll tell you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Harriet’ ~ ‘Harriet who?’ ~ ‘Harriet all my lunch, I’m starving!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Harry’ ~ ‘Harry who?’ ~ ‘Harry up and open this door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hawaii’ ~ ‘Hawaii who?’ ~ ‘I’m fine thanks, how are you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Heaven’ ~ ‘Heaven who?’ ~ ‘Heaven seen you in ages!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hell’ ~ ‘Hell who?’ ~ ‘Hello to you too!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Henrietta’ ~ ‘Henrietta who?’ ~ ‘Henrietta toadstool, but thought it was a mushroom!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hijack’ ~ ‘Hijack who?’ ~ ‘Hijack, how’s Jill?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Honeydew’ ~ ‘Honeydew who?’ ~ ‘Honeydew you want to come out tonight?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Howard’ ~ ‘Howard who?’ ~ ‘Howard I know?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hugh’ ~ ‘Hugh who?’ ~ ‘Hugh wouldn’t believe me if I told you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hugo’ ~ ‘Hugo who?’ ~ ‘Hugo first, I’m right behind you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ice cream!’ ~ ‘Ice cream who?’ ~ ‘Ice cream if you don’t let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Imogen.’ ~ ‘Imogen who?’ ~ ‘Imogen life without chocolate!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Interupting cow’ ~ ‘Interupting cow wh..’>‘MOOO!!’<
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Isabel’ ~ ‘Isabel who?’ ~ ‘Isabel broken, because I had to knock!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ivan’ ~ ‘Ivan who?’ ~ ‘Ivan infectious disease!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ivor’ ~ ‘Ivor who?’ ~ ‘Ivor good mind not to tell you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Jeffrey’ ~ ‘Jeffrey who?’ ~ ‘Jeffrey time I knock, you ask me who I am!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Jester’ ~ ‘Jester who?’ ~ ‘Jester minute I’m trying to find my keys!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Jim’ ~ ‘Jim who?’ ~ ‘Jim mind if I come in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Judy’ ~ ‘Judy who!’ ~ ‘Judy liver newspapers?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Juicy’ ~ ‘Juicy who!’ ~ ‘Juicy what I just saw!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Justin’ ~ ‘Justin who?’ ~ ‘Justin time to let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ken’ ~ ‘Ken who?’ ~ ‘Ken I come in, it’s freezing out here?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Kenya’ ~ ‘Kenya who?’ ~ ‘Kenya not guess who is it?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ketchup’ ~ ‘Ketchup who?’ ~ ‘Ketchup with me and I’ll tell you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lena’ ~ ‘Lena who?’ ~ ‘Lena little closer and I’ll tell you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lettuce’ ~ ‘Lettuce who?’ ~ ‘Lettuce in and I’ll tell you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Little old lady’ ~ ‘Little old lady who?’ ~ ‘I didn’t know you could yodel!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lucy’ ~ ‘Lucy who?’ ~ ‘Lucy Lastic can be embarrassing!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lydia’ ~ ‘Lydia who?’ ~ ‘Lydia teapot is broken!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Major’ ~ ‘Major who?’ ~ ‘Major answer didn’t I!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mandy’ ~ ‘Mandy who?’ ~ ‘Mandy lifeboats, we’re sinking!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mary’ ~ ‘Mary who?’ ~ ‘Mary Christmas!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Me’ ~ ‘Me who?’ ~ ‘I didn’t know you had a cat!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Midas’ ~ ‘Midas who?’ ~ ‘Midas well open the door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mister’ ~ ‘Mister who?’ ~ ‘Mister last bus home!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mort’ ~ ‘Mort who?’ ~ ‘Mort to the point, who are you?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Muffin’ ~ ‘Muffin who?’ ~ ‘Muffin the matter with me, how about you?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Nicholas’ ~ ‘Nicholas who?’ ~ ‘Nicholas girls shouldn’t climb trees!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Noah’ ~ ‘Noah who?’ ~ ‘Noah don’t know who you are either!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Nobody’ ~ ‘Nobody who?’ ~ ‘Just nobody!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Noise’ ~ ‘Noise who?’ ~ ‘Noise to see you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Norma’ ~ ‘Norma who?’ ~ ‘Normally I have a key!’
‘Neutrino…’ ‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’…
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Oil’ ~ ‘Oil who?’ ~ ‘Oil be seeing you as soon as you let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Olga’ ~ ‘Olga who?’ ~ ‘Olga home if you don’t open this door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Olive’ ~ ‘Olive who?’ ~ ‘Olive next door to you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Omelette’ ~ ‘Omelette who?’ ~ ‘Omeletting the cat in, open the door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Opportunity’ ~ ‘Don’t be silly, opportunity doesn’t knock twice!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Orange’ ~ ‘Orange who?’ ~ ‘Orange you going to let me in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Oreo’ ~ ‘Oreo who?’ ~ ‘When Oreo going to open this door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Owl’ ~ ‘Owl who?’ ~ ‘Owl I can say is knock knock!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Paul’ ~ ‘Paul who?’ ~ ‘Paul harder, the door’s stuck again!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Pier’ ~ ‘Pier who?’ ~ ‘Pier through the keyhole and you’ll see!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Plato’ ~ ‘Plato who?’ ~ ‘Plato fish and chips please’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Quaint’ ~ ‘Quaint who?’ ~ ‘Quaint you going to let me in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Qualm’ ~ ‘Qualm who?’ ~ ‘Qualm before the storm!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Quay’ ~ ‘Quay who?’ ~ ‘Quay pon leaving me out here and there’ll be trouble!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Queue’ ~ ‘Queue who?’ ~ ‘Queue can let me in now!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Quit’ ~ ‘Quit who?’ ~ ‘Quit locking me out!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Renata’ ~ ‘Renata who?’ ~ ‘Renata milk; could I borrow some?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Robin’ ~ ‘Robin who?’ ~ ‘Robin you if you let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Salmon’ ~ ‘Salmon who?’ ~ ‘Salmon chanted evening, you may see a stranger…’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sari’ ~ ‘Sari who?’ ~ ‘Sari, wrong house!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Says’ ~ ‘Says who?’ ~ ‘Says me, that’s who!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Scold’ ~ ‘Scald who?’ ~ ‘Scald outside, let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Scott’ ~ ‘Scott who?’ ~ ‘Scott nothing to do with you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sesame’ ~ ‘Sesame who?’ ~ ‘Open sesame!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Seymour’ ~ ‘Seymour who?’ ~ ‘Seymour if you had glass in the door’
‘Knock, knock, knock!, Penny? ‘Knock, knock, knock!, Penny? ‘Knock, knock, knock!, Penny? ~ ‘SHELDON!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sherwood’ ~ ‘Sherwood who?’ ~ ‘Sherwood like to come in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Shirley’ ~ ‘Shirley who?’ ~ ‘Shirley you know who I am?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Signor’ ~ ‘Signor who?’ ~ ‘Signor light on, so I knocked!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sloane’ ~ ‘Sloane who?’ ~ ‘Sloanely outside, let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sofa’ ~ ‘Sofa who?’ ~ ‘Sofa, so good, now let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sonia’ ~ ‘Sonia who?’ ~ ‘Sonia postman with a parcel!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Snow’ ~ ‘Snow who?’ ~ ‘Snow good asking me, I don’t know!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Stan’ ~ ‘Stan who?’ ~ ‘Stan back, I’m coming in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Stopwatch’ ~ ‘Stopwatch who?’ ~ ‘Stopwatch you’re doing and let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sultan’ ~ ‘Sultan who?’ ~ ‘Sultan pepper!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tank’ ~ ‘Tank who?’ ~ ‘You’re welcome!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tennis’ ~ ‘Tennis who?’ ~ ‘Tennis five plus five!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Teresa’ ~ ‘Teresa who?’ ~ ‘Teresa green!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Thayer’ ~ ‘Thayer who?’ ~ ‘Thayer sorry and I won’t thay another thing!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Thermos’ ~ ‘Thermos who?’ ~ ‘Thermos be a better knock knock joke than this!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Whose their?’ ~ ‘The spelling police!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Thistle’ ~ ‘Thistle who?’ ~ ‘Thistle be the last time I knock on this door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tish’ ~ ‘Tish who?’ ~ ‘Bless you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Titus’ ~ ‘Titus who?’ ~ ‘Titus it can be!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tobias’ ~ ‘Tobias who?’ ~ ‘Tobias a pig, that’s why I went to market!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Toby’ ~ ‘Toby who?’ ~ ‘Toby or not Toby, that is the question!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Twit’ ~ ‘Twit who?’ ~ ‘Do you have an owl in there?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Toodle’ ~ ‘Toodle who?’ ~ ‘Goodbye!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Touch’ ~ ‘Touch who?’ ~ ‘Touch me and I’ll screem!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Toucan’ ~ ‘Toucan who?’ ~ ‘Toucan live as cheaply as one!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tuba’ ~ ‘Tuba who?’ ~ ‘Tuba toothpaste!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tuna’ ~ ‘Tuna who?’ ~ ‘You can tuna a piano, but you can’t tuna fish!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Turner’ ~ ‘Turner who?’ ~ ‘Turner round, there’s something behind you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Turnip’ ~ ‘Turnip who?’ ~ ‘Turnip late again and your fired!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Uphill’ ~ ‘Uphill who?’ ~ ‘Uphill’s easier to swallow with water!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Uruguay’ ~ ‘Uruguay who?’ ~ ‘Uraguay and I’m a girl!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Vanda’ ~ ‘Vanda who?’ ~ ‘Vanda you vant me to come in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Verdi’ ~ ‘Verdi who?’ ~ ‘Verdi you get those curtains?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Waddle’ ~ ‘Waddle who?’ ~ ‘Waddle you give me to go away?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Waiter’ ~ ‘Waiter who?’ ~ ‘Waiter minute, it’ll come back to me…’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wanda’ ~ ‘Wanda who?’ ~ ‘Wanda when you’ll let me in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wander’ ~ ‘Wander who?’ ~ ‘Wander buy some cookies?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ward’ ~ ‘Ward who?’ ~ ‘Ward do you care who it is?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Watson’ ~ ‘Watson who?’ ~ ‘Watson the menu today?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wayne’ ~ ‘Wayne who?’ ~ ‘Wayne are you going to let me in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Weaken’ ~ ‘Weaken who?’ ~ ‘Weaken work it out, just let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Will’ ~ ‘Will who?’ ~ ‘Will you let me in please?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wilma’ ~ ‘Wilma who?’ ~ ‘Wilma lunch be ready soon?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Woo! ’ ~ ‘Woo who?’ ~ ‘Don’t sound so excited, we’re Trick or Treaters dressed as ghosts. Now give us cash.’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wooden shoe’ ~ ‘Wooden shoe who?’ ~ ‘Wooden shoe like to know!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Xenia’ ~ ‘Xenia who?’ ~ ‘Xenia through the keyhole!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Xenophile’ ~ ‘Xenophile who?’ ~ ‘Xenophile anywhere? I’ve lost mine!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘X-ray’ ~ ‘X-ray who?’ ~ ‘X-ray Ted!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yah’ ~ ‘Yah who?’ ~ ‘Ride em cowboy!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yam’ ~ ‘Yam who?’ ~ ‘I Yam what I yam!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yelp’ ~ ‘Yelp who?’ ~ ‘Yelp me please, by dose is stuck in the keyhole!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘You’ ~ ‘You who?’ ~ ‘Did you call?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yukon’ ~ ‘Yukon who?’ ~ ‘Yukon let me in now!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yul’ ~ ‘Yul who?’ ~ ‘Yul never guess!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yvonne’ ~ ‘Yvonne who?’ ~ ‘Yvonne to come in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zap’ ~ ‘Zap who?’ ~ ‘Zap bout time you opened this door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zealot’ ~ ‘Zealot who?’ ~ ‘Zealot of us waiting to come in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zebra’ ~ ‘Zebra who?’ ~ ‘Zebra iz too tight, I voot like to exchange it for a larger size!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zepher’ ~ ‘Zepher who?’ ~ ‘Zepher nately time to open the door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zero’ ~ ‘Zero who?’ ~ ‘Zero of ze doorbells are all broken, so I had to knock!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zone’ ~ ‘Zone who?’ ~ ‘Zonely me, can I come in?’

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations




Star Trek gags

Official 40th Anniversary Star Trek logo. Copyright 2007 Paramount Pictures and CBS Studios Inc.

Official 40th Anniversary Star Trek logo. Copyright 2007 Paramount Pictures and CBS Studios Inc.


A small miscellaneous collection of jokes for Trekkies, linked, however loosely, to various Star Trek TV series.

Well, you have to start with THE classic:

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? ~ Three: the left ear, the right ear and the final front ear

Mr Spock has pointed ears and Mr Scott has engineers

Why was Star Trek so successful? ~ It had good Genes

‘Bones’ McCoy: “I’ve borrowed Mr Scott’s bagpipes” ~ Kirk: “But you can’t play them” ~ ‘Bones’ McCoy: “While I’ve got them, neither can he”

New Year resolution ► “It’s life gym, but not as we know it.”

Why did Worf change his hair colour? ~ It was a good day to dye

Will Riker’s dating philosophy: ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try Troi again’

What do Romulan frogs use for camouflage? ~ A croaking device

The Ferengi have opened a new restaurant on the Moon; the food’s great, but there’s no atmosphere

What’s Jean-Luc’s favourite card trick? ~ Picard, any card

Ernest BORG 9

Ernest BORG 9

The Borg ~ Wrappers are futile; chocolate will be assimilated

We are the Borg; ESC is futile, CTRL is inevitable, your files will be assimilated

Star Trek Books

‘Chekov The Navigator’ I Kiptin

‘Data’s Positronic Brain’ Anne Droid

‘Resist’ Stan Sisfutile

‘You’ Will B Assimilated

‘Make it Sew’ #1 Needlework book ~ Jean-Luc Picard

Changing a light bulb

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? ~ Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? ~ None, because Klingons aren’t afraid of the dark

How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb? ~ Two; one to change it and one to sell the old bulb as an antique

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? ~ All of them collectively

Live long and prosperHow many Enterprise crew members does it take to change a light bulb? ~ Three; one to change it and two red shirted security men to die in the process

Crossing the road

Why did Mr Scott’s chicken cross the road? ~ Because it couldna take much morrrrrrre!

Why did the Vulcan chicken cross the road? ~ It was the logical thing to do

Why did the Borg cross the road? ~ To assimilate the chicken


For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations



Tommy Cooper One-liners

Tommy Cooper (1921 – 1984) was a very popular British comedian and magician, who tragically died in the middle of his act on live television. A very funny but flawed man who made a lot of people laugh. I think it’s time to revisit some of his old, traditional but funny, one-liners.


A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’

A man walks into a greengrocer’s and says: ‘I want five pounds of potatoes please.’ And the greengrocer says: ‘We only sell kilos.’ So the man says: ‘Alright then, I’ll have five pounds of kilos.’

I went to Millets and said: ‘I want to buy a tent.’ He said: ‘To camp?’ I said: (butchly) ‘Sorry, I want to buy a tent.’ I said: ‘I also want to buy a caravan.’ He said: ‘Camper?’ I said: (campily) ‘Make your mind up.’

Now here’s a quick laugh. Do this tomorrow. Walk into an antiques shop and shout: ‘What’s new?’

I went into the bank today. I said: ‘Could you check my balance?’ They pushed me over!

A man goes into a petshop. He says: ‘I’d like to buy a wasp please.’ The shopkeeper says: ‘Sorry Sir, but we don’t sell wasps.’ Man says: ‘But you’ve got one in the window!!’

I got into the ring with Muhammad Ali once and I had him worried for a while. He thought he’d killed me!

Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side. She had to. We’ve only got one chair.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

A man goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that he has three minutes to live. ‘Doctor what can you give me?’ The man says. ‘A hard boiled egg,’ says the doctor.

A child of three can do this trick. I wish he was here now.

Just before the show the producer took me to one side. And left me there. He said: ‘How do you feel tonight?’ I said: ‘A bit funny’ He said: ‘Well get out there before it wears off.’

Did you hear that joke about the fire-eater? She hiccuped and cremated herself.

I met this man at the airport and I asked him if he’d like to share a taxi with me. He said he would, I said: ‘You take the engine, I’ll take the wheels!’

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A woman stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said: ‘What do you want?’ ‘I’d like to stay here’ ‘Ok. Stay there.’

My wife wanted to go to the ballet. I said: ‘I’m not going to sit and watch a lot of people on their toes in long underwear.’ She said: ‘You don’t have to. Wear your tuxedo.’

I always call a spade a spade, until the other night when I stepped on one in the dark.

I’ve got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!

This old man was dying and he called his nephew to his bedside. He said: ‘I’m leaving you all my money.’ The nephew said: ‘Thank you, Uncle. What can I do for you?’ He said: ‘Get your foot off my oxygen tube.’

Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’

In days of old, when knights were bold, the king turned to his knight and said: ‘What have you been doing today?’ The knight said: ‘I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf, burning the villages of your enemies in the north.’ The King said: ‘But I don’t have any enemies in the north.’ The knight said: ‘I’m afraid you do now.’

Stand in a library and go ‘Aaagghh!’ and everyone just stares at you. But do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I love bathing beauties, but the trouble is I never bathe any.

When the nurse told my mother she had an eight-pound bundle of joy, she said: ‘Thank God, the laundry’s back!’

When I asked her to whisper those three little words that would make me walk on air, she said: ‘Sure… go hang yourself.’

My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’

My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the light bulb.

I swam the English Channel once. ‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’ Lengthwise?

I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamed that Brigitte Bardot came up to me and said: ‘I will grant you three wishes. Now what are the other two?’

A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’

I’m recovering from a cold. I’m so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I’ll cure someone.

A woman told her doctor: ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor said: ‘It’s old age.’ The woman said: ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says: ‘OK. You’re ugly as well.’

A woman phoned her husband and said: ‘The carburettor is full of water.’ ‘Where’s the car?’ the man said. ‘In the river,’ she replied.

I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!

In Las Vegas, they gamble everywhere. I went into a drug store for an aspirin and the girl behind the counter said: ‘I’ll toss you, double or nothing.’ I lost. I came out with two headaches.

I said to the girl in the shop: ‘I want to buy a hat.’ She said: ‘Fedora?’ I said: ‘No, for myself!’

I was showing my wife this one. I said: ‘Look at this dear.’ I always call her dear. She’s got antlers growing out of the side of her head.

I was woken up this morning by a tap on the door. I must remember to get the plumber to take it off.

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said: ‘Parking Fine.’

I knew a hypochondriac who wouldn’t visit the Dead Sea until he found out what it died of!

She still plays the piano by ear… but sometimes her earrings get in the way.

A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’ He said: ‘What?’

I went to the doctor the other day, I said: ‘I’ve broken my leg in three places.’ He said: ‘Don’t go to those places.’

I got into this taxi and I said to the driver: ‘King Arthur’s Close.’ And the driver said: ‘Don’t worry Tommy, I’ll shake him off at the first corner.’

This guy bought his wife a burial plot for her birthday. The following year, when he bought her nothing, she complained. He said: ‘What are you complaining about? You didn’t use the present I bought you last year!’

The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: ‘Would you please blow into this bag, Sir’ I said: ‘What for, Officer?’ He says: ‘My chips are too hot.’

When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’ I grabbed the nurse!

People learn something new every day. Why, just today, my wife learned that a car won’t climb a telephone pole.

It wasn’t easy to get us kids to eat olives. I had to start off on Martinis!

I came from a very poor family of five children. We all used to sleep in the same bed. In fact, I never slept alone until I got married.

I went to see the doctor the other day. I had to. He was ill.

A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’ The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’

Once I painted a girl in the nude and I almost froze to death.

This fellow walked into a bar with a chicken under one arm and a crocodile under the other. The barman said, ‘What’ll you have?’ He said: ‘A whisky and soda.’ Then the crocodile spoke up and said: ‘I’ll have a gin and tonic.’ The barman said: ‘That’s amazing. I’ve never seen a crocodile that could talk before.’ He said: ‘He can’t. The chicken’s a ventriloquist.’



For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Daft stuff; humour, jokes, quips and gags

Puns and word-play

Quotations



Even More MumblingNerd Quips


I’m not getting on very well with this keyboard; it’s just not my type.

I only asked for a leg of lamb from our butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.

While I was waiting at the airport recently I heard a Scottish dating advert; “Free Wife, Aye”

I’m feeling rubbish today; this always happens when I put the trash out.

An Australian friend asked me if I thought his bad eye would see better with glasses, so I said ‘Good eye might’.

I should’ve picked the cactus up with my left hand, now I feel a right prick.

Does the phrase; ‘two daft male cattle’ contain more than one silly bull?

I’d always wanted to win a pastry throwing competition, but it was just pie in the sky.

I have more silent drum kits than you can shake a stick at… ah, just realised where I’m going wrong.

I have a yen to visit Tokyo.

LMAO… damn, now where am I going to sit?

The jockey who is always first past the post must be the reining champion.

Blood is thicker than water, although that’s irrelevant even when mixing fruit cordials for relatives.

The writing is on the wall for graffiti.

I’ve been involved in a dispute about sharpening tree felling tools, but then I did have an axe to grind.

Horse meat was once sold in a lot of British butcher shops, but they were flogging a dead horse.

I’ve been burning the candle at both ends and now I’m at my wicks end.

I’m so angry after being hit in the face by a fake Chinese vase; I’m faux Ming at the mouth.

I had a dream about two countries ruled by pets; it was reigning cats and dogs.

William Tell’s son was the apple of his eye.

I started to look out the window to see what the weather was up to, but decided to give it a rain check.

Pheasants, turkeys, geese, partridges, chickens & ducks! Not only a poultry list, but also fowl language.

I’m absolutely and utterly infatuated and totally LOVE hyperbole!

If you’re responsible for ripping a dollar in half then don’t pass the buck.

If Egyptians renounced the use of ketchup, would that be the sauce of denial?

I managed to buy twelve rare collectable postcards for only 10 US cents, but then found out they were a dime a dozen.

I can’t decide if I like this variable temperature hair dryer; I’m blowing hot and cold.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless the two in the bush are sought after by collectors.

A friend of ours works as a hairdresser for the police, but it wasn’t his first brush with the law.

Went to get food at a takeaway, but changed my mind because the owner had a chip on his shoulder.

Milliners are very irritable; they can get angry at the drop of a hat.

My work is piling up because of this tree trunk on my shoulders, although it’s only a small back log.

Never thought I’d figure out what this gateau was; but it was a piece of cake in the end.

I’m trapped in a tiny gap next to the wall; I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.

If a priest kept making the sign of the cross at a fancy dress party, would it be a blessing in disguise?

Avoid tabloid journalists; hack shuns speak louder than words.

I tried backing up my PC, but I had to stop when I got to the wall.

Is there any truth in the old saying “Absinthe makes the fart grow longer”?

Amputations cost an arm and a leg these days.

The vet suggested I try the carrot and stick approach with our cat, but sellotape won’t stick to the carrot.

Using chopsticks on rice goes against the grain.

If doctor’s self medicate, do they get a taste of their own medicine?

Don’t worry about ferry crossings; we’re all in the same boat.

Take some proper topiary lessons and stop beating about the bush.

A fool and his money are easily parted; that’s why so many clowns fall for email scams.

Computers made from the outer layers of a tree are all bark and no byte.

Chocolate’s a good thing isn’t it? So how come you can have too much of a good thing?

Is YO! Sushi the derivation of the phrase ‘what goes around, comes around’?

‘The ability of one compound to dissolve in another compound’ ~ Surely there has to be a solution here?

Don’t repair timepieces; you’ll always be working against the clock.

The sponge is good, but the frosting is the icing on the cake.

If wind is gusting, when it ceases, is it disgusting?

Presumably McDonald’s car park ‘Reverse with care’ notice is a back-up sign?

British Waterways are encouraging canal users to change their locks regularly.

I bumped into our local Domino’s Pizza recently; if it had fallen down, would it have taken all the other Domino’s with it?

I’ve been online for hours today; so now all the washing is hanging up to dry I can get back to the internet.

My blog has a new ‘subscriber’; he’s a calligrapher and he paints signs on submarines.

I owned an abacus when I was an art student; I was part of the counter-culture.

I used to mix up ‘follicular’ and ‘funicular’, which led to some very hairy train rides.

In a recent poll 1 in 10 single men would rather have an iPad than a new partner; gives a whole new meaning to “Coming back to my pad?”

Queen Elizabeth has been in Wales on the ‘second leg’ of her Diamond Jubilee tour; presumably the ‘third leg’ will be the Isle of Man?

I think river valleys are gorgeous.

I’ve always been interested in the history of millinery, but it’s a bit old hat now.

I had to sell all the rabbits and pheasants, because I didn’t want to give the game away.

I’d like the sun to return, but fog will never be mist.

I drove to the supermarket with a tiny carrot; I was in such a hurry I had to take the shortest root.

I’m supercilious today; that’s like normal cilious, but I’m also wearing a cape.

Apparently the Dalai Lama is not actually a Llama.

I did a roll call in the kitchen this morning, but as none replied I had sliced wholemeal.

I’ve been checking out those ‘100 Things To Do Before You Die’ lists and not one of them has “Shout for help”.

People say love is blind, but I can’t see it myself.

The trouble with masturbation jokes is that they can rub people up the wrong way.

Oceanographers don’t like to be tide up.

Edward Scissorhands wore contact lenses; he should have gone to Specsavers.

Doughnuts are very good for you; as long as you eat the hole thing.

Reading the dictionary is tiring; by the time you reach the end it’s zzzzzzz…

Is ketchup like spring water; bottled at sauce?

Whenever I update my iPhone I get that terrible syncing feeling.

If my punning is worse as I get older; does that mean I’ve groan-up?

I was explaining something to someone when they said “I’ll take your word for it” so I’ve had them charged with plagiarism.

I’ve been obsessing over a broken handle today; I need to get a grip.

If I had an irrational fear of bridges, how would I get over it?

I saw someone tearing off a newspaper coupon today; I wish they’d cut it out.



For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations



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