I thought I’d post some of my previously unpublished Twitter comments and pointless aphorisms, or ‘witticisms’ as I like to call them:
One of the doctors at our local surgery is getting very angry, he keeps losing his patients.
I’ve been trying to persuade people to become enthusiastic organ donors, but they won’t put their heart into it.
I recently bought some very expensive perfume as a gift; I’ve no common scents.
In our living room the curtains are drawn, but the rest of the furniture is real.
You can now buy lactose free milk if you’re intolerant; if my feet lacked toes I’d be intolerant.
Once when I was camping there was a terrible fire; the heat was in tents.
I just had a great idea for a pencil with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
When you empty cesspits, are you taking the piss?
A bottle of coke just fell out of the fridge onto my foot, it’s a good job it was a soft drink.
My friend’s wedding was very emotional, even the cake was in tiers.
Someone in the geometry lesson had their rubber bands confiscated; they were classed as weapons of math disruption.
I bought some Toulouse sausages today, now I can’t find them; they must have been too easy Toulouse.
My local garden centre won’t swap my old Christmas tree for a bush, but I suppose a fir exchange is no shrubbery.
Our best friend bakes bread, so we’ve signed over the deeds to our house; a friend in knead is a friend in deed.
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing; I just tripped over a very small encyclopaedia.
I used far too much water to extinguish two fires, but a man’s got too dowse what a man’s got two dowse.
I fancy hurling a jug onto the beach; surely a pitcher is worth a throw sand-wards.
After much personal abuse, I got hold of an adorable painting of someone’s jaw; if you can’t stand the hate get art of the cute chin.
A yarn about a creepy shop that kept a tally of floors of buildings it sold would be a scary storey score store story. (Was that worth the effort; it wasn’t was it?)
I nearly got a book out of the library called ‘HOW to HUG’, but then realised that it was volume seven of an encyclopaedia.
I don’t think whoever coined the phrase ‘quiet as a mouse’ has ever stepped on one.
I usually manage to do a few exercises very early in the morning; before my brain works out that I’m not fetching chocolate.
I just suggested to our cat that he does something useful, but all he’d say was ‘Me, how?’
I used to have lots of Velcro cable grips, but I can’t find any now. I must be losing my grip.
If I climb up inside a church tower, would I be inspired?
I couldn’t drive out of a parking space today, but I had a back up plan.
Freudian slip: clothing worn under a see-through blouse.
Nuclear physics is much better than the old, cloudy physics.
Stealing a talking bird is a mynah offence.
My neighbour removed two panels and a post from our boundary; he must have taken a fence after something I said.
Parisian taxis are liable to drive you in Seine.
Where can I get a hollow victory? I have a substantial one, but it’s too heavy.
I ate a really good Thali recently, but there wasn’t any otter in the Tarka Dal.
Egyptian boatmen are in denial.
There’s a bottle in the fridge that says it’s ‘still water’; I’ll check again tomorrow to see if anything changes.
I don’t see the point of pocket calculators; who has that many pockets?
I’ve been struggling to find a new role; then I remembered two wholemeal ones in the freezer.
A friend thought I wouldn’t want a mention in their poem, but I’m not a verse to it.
If a pig gets laryngitis, would it be disgruntled?
Perfume use is widespread, because it’s scent everywhere.
If all is not lost, where is it?
1848 ~ Horse drawn buses appeared in Nottingham, although they were inept, as the horses couldn’t hold the pencil properly.
I have one of those memory foam cushions, but I can’t remember where I put it.
After problems with my browser I had to disable some cookies; now my keyboard is clogged with crumbs.
I’m getting irritated with email & spam; simultaneously reading mail & opening a can of meat is multi-tasking.
I tried to use a chat-room while I was at the library, but they kept shushing me.
Does anyone else have problems with instant messaging? My post-its won’t stick to the monitor.
Will someone tell me how to use a spam filter? I’ve made a hell of a mess with the last can.
I’ve been trying to save a progressive JPEG in a reactionary format, but my PC is too liberal.
This sentence has absolutely no odour whatsoever. In other words, it’s complete non scents.
I saw a huge new funeral parlour opening today; it was quite an undertaking.
Where did Noah keep the woodworm, termites and woodpeckers?
Stationery traffic has been blamed on the huge number of vehicles delivering envelopes & writing paper.
The situation is posterous, although beforehand it was preposterous.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if you throw it hard enough.
The only thing you have to fear is fear itself… & bugs, & the dark, & strangers, & hairs in food, & pigeons, & door knobs…
People first arrived in North America by crossing from Russia to Alaska; they’d got lost & couldn’t get their Bering Strait.
The letters A, E, and U are making me very tetchy today; apparently I’m suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.
A local police officer was bribed with just a few coins, but change is as good as arrest.
I enjoy ironing as much as oral surgery and appreciate that I very rarely have to iron, but I don’t appreciate the irony.
I dropped some very unripe stone fruit in the ocean once; just to plum the depths of tastelessness.
As a designer, am I facing in the right direction? Anyway, back to the drawing board.
In art class we had to sketch drinking straws; I drew the short straw.
Our pet chicken constantly runs up and down stairs, so we changed her name to Stephen.
The face painter at the local fête said they couldn’t paint teddies, but that’s just a bear faced lie.
Sometimes elevators get me down, but other times they’re quite uplifting.
What happens if you meet someone online, but you don’t click?
I’ve been trying very hard to sketch with correcting fluid, but I’m drawing a blank.
I’ve tried everything to end a disagreement; oak twigs, chestnut sticks, haven’t tried an olive branch yet.
I have a great bee and beef pie recipe, if anyone feels like eating hum bull pie?
If you helped a one-eyed person whose artificial glass one was in back to front, would you be turning a blind eye?
It’s really hard to persuade someone to wear two slices of bread for an art project; perhaps I should have buttered them up first?
Just had an argument about someone’s clavicle; it’s obviously going to be a bone of contention
Parents are choosing Spanish/Scandinavian names for their babies; there’s Juan Bjorn every minute.
I’ve been playing chess on the floor instead of the table; I really need to raise my game.
Do a couple of those look familiar to you? I thought so. Here am I thinking I’m being original and creative and I’m probably inadvertently copying them from somewhere else. Never mind; they’re probably the funniest ones.
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