Stephen Fry quotations


Stephen FryStephen Fry is an English actor, comedian, author, journalist, broadcaster and film director. He is also a celebrated national treasure, cultural icon and British institution. This is a small collection of quotations attributed to him.


“My mother, yes, she believed in me, but everybody’s mother believes in them. No one else believed in me.”

“…but I felt I had also the power to create, to add, to delight, to amaze and to transform.”

“I believed in ghosts more than I believed in me, and take my word for it, I never believed in ghosts…”

“I’m far too spiritual and emotional and passionate to believe in the supernatural.”

“Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.”

“There’s no doubt that I do have extremes of mood that are greater than just about anybody else I know.”

“You can’t reason yourself back into cheerfulness any more than you can reason yourself into an extra six inches in height.”

“Generally, we admire the thing we are not.”

“Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.”

“When you’ve seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.”

“We’ve all met people who are supposedly incredibly intelligent but don’t know which way to sit on a lavatory.”

“Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties.”

“Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business – which at least does us all some good.”

“How can one not be fond of something that the Daily Mail despises?”

“If you go looking for loonies and religious fanatics and dropouts and freaks, I dare say you’ll find it.”

“An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.”

“There is so much we can learn from TV. It’s a window on the world.”

“I’ve always had great respect for Paddington because he is amusingly English and eccentric.”

“Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the word’s full octave.”

“Taste every fruit of every tree in the garden at least once. It is an insult to creation not to experience it fully.”

“I am a lover of truth, a worshipper of freedom, a celebrant at the altar of language and purity and tolerance.”

“I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.”

“The only reason people do not know much is because they do not care to know. They are incurious.”

“Incuriosity is the oddest and most foolish failing there is.”

“One technology doesn’t replace another, it complements. Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.”

“…we should be wary of false dichotomies. You do not have to choose between one or the other. You can have both.”

“I don’t watch television; I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself.”

“…books are powerhouses of knowledge, and therefore they’re kind of slightly dark and dangerous.”

“I think I have always linked smoking and sex. Maybe this is where I have been going wrong all my life.”

“It’s so easy to say, ‘That’ll do.’ Everyone’s in a hurry. People are intellectually lazy, morally lazy, ethically lazy…”

“We abrogate the responsibility for thought & moral decisions onto others & then have the luxury of saying it’s not good enough”

“It only takes a room of Americans for the English and Australians to realise how much we have in common.”

“It is a cliché that most clichés are true, but then like most clichés, that cliché is untrue.”

“The human cultural jungle should be as varied and plural as the Amazonian rainforest. We are all richer for biodiversity.”



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Mae Oreo-West Quotations

For @xjazzy13 ► official #Oreogirl member and Minister of Chocolate.

Mae Oreo-West“Between two #Oreos, I always pick the one I never tried before.”

“Is that an #Oreo in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

“Save an #Oreo for a rainy day, and another, in case it doesn’t rain.”

“When I’m good, I’m very good. But when I’ve an #Oreo I’m better.”

“Why don’t you come on up and #Oreo me sometime.”

“I’ll try any #Oreo once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.”

“Don’t keep a man guessing too long; he’s sure to find an #Oreo somewhere else.”

“So many #Oreos… so little time.”

“I never loved another person the way I loved #Oreos.”

“I generally avoid an #Oreo unless I can’t resist it.”

“Too much of an #Oreo can be wonderful.”

“A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald, but if he has #Oreos, women will like him.”

“An #Oreo in the house is worth two in the street.”

“An #Oreo worth doing is worth doing slowly.”

“#Oreos conquer all things except poverty and toothache.”

“I only have ‘yes’ #Oreos around me. Who needs ‘no’ #Oreos?”

“I speak two languages, #Oreo and English.”

“It’s not the men in my life that count; it’s the life in my #Oreos.”

“I didn’t discover #Oreos; I only uncovered them.”

“Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of #Oreos.”

“I’m a woman of very few words, but lots of #Oreos.”

“I only like two kinds of #Oreos, domestic and imported.”

“Love isn’t an emotion or an instinct; it’s an #Oreo.”

“If I asked for an #Oreo, someone would search for the double meaning.”

“It ain’t no sin if you crack a few #Oreos now and then, just so long as you don’t break any.”

“Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman an #Oreo.”

“#Oreos are the most important thing to an actress’s success.”

“Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with an #Oreo.”

“If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too many #Oreos are just about right!”

“The #Oreo is more powerful than the sword.”

“One more #Oreo and I’ll be under the host.”

“The best way to hold an #Oreo is in your arms.”

“Too many girls follow the line of least resistance, but a good #Oreo is hard to resist.”

“I see you’re a man with #Oreos. I better be going while you’ve still got them.”

“Any time you got nothing to do, and lots of #Oreos, come on up.”

“#Oreos are easy to get but hard to keep.”

“#Oreos are an asset to the woman in love who’s smart enough to hide ‘em.”

“An ounce of #Oreo is worth pounds of promises.”

“If you put your #Oreo in it, be sure it’s your best #Oreo.”

“Love thy neighbour; and if he happens to be tall, debonair and has #Oreos, it will be that much easier.”



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William Tweetspeare quotations

William Tweetspeare © 2012 Roy Manterfield“A plague on both your tweets! I am sped. Is he gone and hath tweeted?”

“A tweet, a tweet, my kingdom for a tweet!”

“Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite tweets”

“All that twitters is not gold”

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely tweeters”

“Art any more than a steward? Dost thou think because thou art tweeting there shall be no more cakes and ale?”

“Be great in act, as you have been in tweets”

“Be not afraid of greatness: some are born tweeters, some achieve tweets, and some have Twitter thrust upon ‘em”

“Beware the tweets of March”

“Blow, blow, thou winter wind, thou art not so unkind as man’s twitterings”

“But soft, what tweet through yonder window breaks?”

“Come, let’s away to prison; We two alone will tweet”

“Cowards die many times before their tweets, the valiant never tweet of death but once”

“Done to death by slanderous tweets was the Hero that here lies”

“Et tu, Brute? Then tweet, Caesar!”

“For when the noble Caesar saw him tweet, ingratitude, more strong than traitors’ arms, quite vanquish’d him”

“Friends, Romans, countrymen, send me your tweets”

“Give me my robe, put on my crown; I have Immortal tweetings in me”

“God bless thee; and put meekness in thy mind, love, charity, obedience, and true tweets!”

“Good night, good night! Tweeting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall tweet good night till it be morrow”

“He who has tweeted thee was either stronger or weaker than thee. If weaker, tweet him; if stronger, tweet thyself”

“How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world that has such tweets in’t!”

“How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous Twitter is!”

“How now? A tweet? Dead, for a ducat, dead!”

“How poor are they that have not Twitter!”

“I am hurt. A plague a’ both your houses! I am sped. Is he gone and hath tweeted?”

“I am not bound to please thee with my tweets”

“I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts: I am no tweeter, as Brutus is”

“I come to tweet it wealthily in Padua; if wealthily, then happily in Padua”

“I follow him to serve my tweet upon him”

“I have seen a tweet that’s able to breathe life into a stone, quicken a rock, and make you dance canary”

“I must be cruel only to be kind; thus bad begins, and worse remains to tweet”

“I pray thee cease thy tweets, which falls into mine ears as profitless as water in a sieve”

“I pray you bear me henceforth from the noise and rumour of Twitter”

“I tweet the world but as the world, Gratiano, a stage where every man must tweet a part, and mine a sad one”

“I wasted time, and now doth Twitter waste me”

“I will buy with you, sell with you, talk with you, walk with you, and so following; but I will not tweet with you”

“I wish you well and so I take my leave, I pray you know me when we tweet again”

“If it were tweeted, when ‘tis done, then ‘twere well it were done quickly”

“If this were play’d upon a stage now, I could tweet it as an improbable fiction”

“If tweeting be the food of love, tweet on”

“Ill deeds are doubled with an evil tweet”

“In a false tweet there is no true valour”

“In time we hate that which we often tweet”

“In Twitter there’s nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility”

“Is this a tweet which I see before me?”

“Is tweeting nothing? Is leaning cheek to cheek? Is meeting noses?”

“Journeys end in lovers tweeting, every wise man’s son doth know”

“Let me not think on’t – Frailty, thy name is Twitter!”

“Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore, so do our tweets hasten to their end”

“Love all, tweet a few, do wrong to none” (All’s Well That Tweets Well)

“Love tweets not with the eyes but with the mind”

“My words fly up, my tweets remain below”

“Nothing emboldens sin so much as Twitter”

“Nothing will come of nothing, tweet again”

“Now go we in content to tweet, and not to banishment”

“Now is the winter of our discontent made into a glorious tweet by this son of York”

“O brave new world that has such tweeters in’t!”

“O coward conscience, how dost thou tweet me!”

“O happy dagger! This is thy sheath; there rust, and let me tweet”

“O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore tweet thou Romeo?”

“O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a tweet I die”

“O villain, villain, tweeting, damned villain!”

“O, beware, my lord, of Twitter; it is the green-ey’d monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on”

“O, how this spring of love tweeteth the uncertain glory of an April day”

“O, what men dare do! What men may do! What men daily do, not tweeting what they do!”

“Oft Twitter fails, and most oft there”

“One that tweeted not wisely but too well”

“Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie, which we ascribe to Twitter”

“Out, damn’d tweet! out, I say!”

“Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and summer’s lease hath all too short a tweet”

“Shall I bend low and in a bondman’s key, with bated breath and twittering humbleness”

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou tweet more lovely and more temperate”

“Shall in these confines with a monarch’s tweet cry “Havoc!” and let slip the dogs of war”

“Shall we their fond pageant see? Lord, what fools these tweeters be”

“So again good night. I must be cruel only to be kind. Thus tweeting begins and worse remains behind”

“So wise so young, they say do never tweet long”

“Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with tweets”

“Something is tweeting in the state of Denmark”

“Strong reasons make strong tweets”

“Such tweets as dreams are made on”

“Suspicion always haunts the guilty tweet”

“Sweet are the uses of Twitter, which, like a toad, though ugly & venomous, wears yet a precious jewel in its head”

“That man that hath a tweet, I say is no man”

“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our tweets, but in ourselves, that we are underlings”

“The lady doth tweet too much, methinks”

“The man that hath no music in himself, nor is not mov’d with concord of sweet sounds, is not fit for Twitter”

“The quality of tweets is not strained”

“The trust I have is in mine tweets, and therefore am I bold and resolute”

“The tweets are number’d that make up my life”

“The tweets of true love never did run smooth”

“There are more tweets in heaven and earth, Horatio”

“Think you I am no stronger than my tweet?”

“This was the noblest tweeter of them all” (Julius Caesar)

“Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge of thine own tweets”

“Though Twitter be madness, yet there is method in’t”

“To sleep, perchance to dream- ay, there’s the tweet”

“To tweet, or not to tweet: that is the question”

“Tweet ‘Havoc!’ and let slip the dogs of war”

“Tweet it not, Duncan, for it is a knell that summons thee to heaven or to hell”

“Tweet of newt, and tweet of frog, tweet of bat, and tweet of dog”

“Tweeting what is lost makes the remembrance dear”

“Tweets are made to bear, and so are you” (Tweeting of the Shrew)

“Twitter is the virtue of the law, and none but tyrants use it cruelly”

“Twitter should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood”

“Virtue and genuine graces in themselves speak what no tweet can utter”

“We should be tweet’d and were not made to tweet”

“What, my dear Lady Disdain! Are you yet tweeting?”

“What’s here? the portrait of a blinking idiot, presenting me a tweet! I will read it”

“What’s in a name? That which we tweet by any other name would smell as sweet”

“When shall we three tweet again, in thunder, lightning or in rain?”

“When tweeters die there are no comets seen; the heavens themselves blaze forth the death of princes”

“Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous tweets”

“Why then the world’s mine oyster, which I with Twitter will open”

“Why then tonight let us tweet our plot” (All’s Well That Tweets Well)

“With bated breath and tweet’ring humbleness”

“Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look, he tweets too much; such men are dangerous”



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A few Star Wars quotes for May the fourth


“Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?” Princess Leia ~ A New Hope

“Traveling through hyperspace ain’t like dusting crops, farm boy.” Han Solo ~ A New Hope

“The force is strong with this one.” Darth Vader ~ A New Hope

“If there’s a bright centre to the universe, you’re on the planet that it’s farthest from.” Luke Skywalker ~ A New Hope

“Your eyes can deceive you; don’t trust them.” Obi-Wan Kenobi ~ A New Hope

“Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?” Yoda ~ The Empire Strikes Back

“Obi-Wan has taught you well.” Darth Vader ~ Return of the Jedi

“Remember… the Force will be with you, always.” Obi-Wan Kenobi ~ A New Hope

“You may dispense with the pleasantries, Commander. I am here to put you back on schedule.” Darth Vader ~ Return of the Jedi

“Don’t call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease.” C-3PO ~ A New Hope

“You don’t know how hard I found it, signing the order to terminate your life.” Governor Tarkin ~ A New Hope

“Mmm. Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing.” Yoda ~ Attack of the Clones

“At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge.” Darth Maul ~ The Phantom Menace

“Now, young Skywalker… you will die.” The Emperor ~ Return of the Jedi

“I find your lack of faith disturbing.” Darth Vader ~ A New Hope

“Hello. I don’t believe we have been introduced. R2-D2? A pleasure to meet you. I am C-3PO.” C-3PO ~ The Phantom Menace

“Good Anakin. Good. Kill him. Kill him now.” Chancellor Palpatine ~ Revenge of the Sith

“General Grievous, you’re shorter than I expected.” Anakin Skywalker ~ Revenge of the Sith

“Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.” Princess Leia ~ A New Hope

“Ahh, hard to see, the Dark Side is.” Yoda ~ The Phantom Menace

“Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan. Now that’s a name I have not heard in a long time. A long time.” Obi-Wan Kenobi ~ A New Hope

“You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.” Princess Leia ~ A New Hope

“There’s always a bigger fish.” Qui-Gon Jinn ~ The Phantom Menace

“Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1.” C-3PO ~ The Empire Strikes Back

“I’m rather embarrassed, General Solo, but it appears that you are to be the main course at a banquet in my honour. C-3PO

“When 900 years old, you reach… Look as good, you will not.” Yoda ~ Return of the Jedi

“Great, kid. Don’t get cocky.” Han Solo ~ A New Hope

“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.” Han Solo ~ A New Hope

“It’s against my programming to impersonate a deity.” C-3PO ~ Return of the Jedi

“Truly wonderful the mind of a child is.” Yoda ~ Attack of the Clones

“R2-D2, you know better than to trust a strange computer.” ~ C-3PO ~ The Empire Strikes Back

“Only a Sith Lord deals in absolutes.” Obi-Wan Kenobi ~ Revenge of the Sith

“Who’s the more foolish: the fool, or the fool who follows him?” Obi-Wan Kenobi ~ A New Hope

“No. I am your Father.” Darth Vader ~ The Empire Strikes Back


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Quotes about chocolate


“The divine drink, which builds up resistance and fights fatigue. A cup of this precious drink (cacao) permits a man to walk for a whole day without food.” ~ Montezuma – Aztec Emperor (c. 1480-1520)

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” ~ Charles Dickens

“Chocolate is a perfect food, as wholesome as it is delicious, a beneficent restorer of exhausted power…it is the best friend of those engaged in literary pursuits.” ~ Baron Justus von Liebig, German chemist (1803-1873)

“What use are cartridges in battle? I always carry chocolate instead.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

“Caramels are only a fad. Chocolate is a permanent thing.” ~ Milton Hershey

“Never mind about 1066 William the Conqueror, 1087 William the Second. Such things are not going to affect one’s life…but 1932 the Mars Bar and 1936 Maltesers and 1937 the Kit Kat – these dates are milestones in history and should be seared into the memory of every child in the country.” ~ Roald Dahl

“What you see before you, my friend, is the result of a lifetime of chocolate. A pound a day often.” ~ Katharine Hepburn

“I probably have some sort of chocolate five times a week. There’s definitely a change it does to the chemistry of the body. It’s my favorite feeling. I live for it.” ~ John Travolta

“Chocolate is the greatest gift to women ever created, next to the likes of Paul Newman and Gene Kelly. It’s something that should be had on a daily basis.” ~ Sandra Bullock

“Forget love…I’d rather fall in chocolate!” ~ Anonymous

“It’s not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let’s face it, far more reliable than a man.” ~ Miranda Ingram

“Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don’t need an appointment.” ~ Catherine Aitken

“The taste of chocolate is a sensual pleasure in itself, existing in the same world as sex… For myself, I can enjoy the wicked pleasure of chocolate… entirely by myself. Furtiveness makes it better.” ~ Dr. Ruth Westheimer

“All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt!” ~ Lucy Van Pelt (Peanuts by Charles M. Schulz)

“Giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets.” ~ Milton Zelman

“Chocolate: Here today… Gone today!” ~ Daniel Worona

“Las cosas claras y el chocolate espeso.” (Ideas should be clear and chocolate thick.) Spanish proverb

“Nuts just take up space where chocolate ought to be.” ~ Anonymous

“Chemically speaking, chocolate really is the world’s perfect food.” ~ Michael Levine, nutrition researcher

“Don’t wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty. Chocolate isn’t like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant. And it always feels good.” ~ Lora Brody

“You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.” ~ Anonymous

“Carob is a brown powder made from the pulverized fruit of a Mediterranean evergreen. Some consider carob an adequate substitute for chocolate because it has some similar nutrients (calcium, phosphorus), and because it can, when combined with vegetable fat and sugar, be made to approximate the color and consistency of chocolate. Of course, the same arguments can as persuasively be made in favor of dirt.” ~ Sandra Boynton

“Man cannot live on chocolate alone; but woman sure can.” ~ Anonymous

“I never met a chocolate I didn’t like.” ~ Counsellor Deanna Troi, Star Trek: The Next Generation

“There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles.” ~ Anonymous

“Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate” ~ Sandra Boynton

“Exercise is a dirty word… Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.” ~ Charles M Schulz

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… chocolate….” ~ Homer Simpson

“Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces.” ~ Judith Viorst

“The 12-step chocoholics program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!” ~ Terry Moore

“Simply put… everyone has a price, mine is chocolate!” ~ Anonymous

“As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.” ~ Sandra Boynton

“Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth person always lies.” ~ John Q. Tullius

“Hell hath no fury like a woman who has sworn off fudge and chocolate.” ~ Anonymous


ChocolateThere are lots of chocolate tweets on Twitter:

Twitter Chocolate


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And a few more favourite quotes


'There is no exception' quote“Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were” ~ Unknown

“I don’t hate people, I just feel better when they aren’t around” ~ Charles Bukowski

“Please don’t follow me on facebook or twitter because I’m not on there” ~ Banksy

“An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind” ~ Mohandas Gandhi

“A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open.” ~ Frank Zappa

“Eat food. Not too much. Mostly chocolate” ~ Debbie Moose

“In many Tory seats you could probably put a blue rosette on a half-eaten scotch egg and get it elected” ~ Joseph Watts

“An economy where advertisers thrive while journalists and artists struggle, reflects the values of a society more interested in deception and manipulation than in truth and beauty” ~ Jaron Lanier

“There is absolutely nothing to be said in favour of growing old. There ought to be leglislation against it” ~ Patrick Moore

“And then everything was in the hands of gravity, which has never had much love for the terminally stupid” ~ Mira Grant

“Le doute n’est pas une condition agréable, mais la certitude est absurde” ~ Voltaire (Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd)

“Most rock journalism is people who can’t write interviewing people who can’t talk for people who can’t read” ~ Groucho Marx

“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem” ~ Woody Allen

“A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about” ~ Miguel De Unamuno

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life” ~ Rita Rudner

“Sometimes you need to sit in the wrong place to see the right view” ~ Craig Stone (The Squirrel That Dreamt Of Madness)

“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me” ~ Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“Objectivity is compromised by our ‘tyranny of expectations’; we see what we wish to see and not what is actually there” ~ Roy Manterfield

“I am for freedom of religion, & against all maneuvres to bring about a legal ascendancy of one sect over another” ~ Thomas Jefferson

“People that talk about living in the real world don’t even enjoy living in the real world” ~ Craig Stone (The Squirrel That Dreamt Of Madness)

“Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world” ~ The Buddha

“Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits” ~ Mark Twain

“I could give up chocolate for Lent, but I don’t know anyone trustworthy enough for the chocolate to be lent to” ~ Roy Manterfield

“One of the great tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion” ~ Arthur C Clarke

“Stencils are good for two reasons; one – they’re quick; two – they annoy idiots” ~ Banksy

“All that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about” ~ Charles Kingsley

“There is no exception to the rule that every rule has an exception” ~ James Thurber

“The problem, often not discovered until late in life, is that when you look for things in life like love, meaning, motivation, it implies they are sitting behind a tree or under a rock. The most successful people in life recognize, that in life they create their own love, they manufacture their own meaning, they generate their own motivation. For me, I am driven by two main philosophies, know more today about the world than I knew yesterday. And lessen the suffering of others. You’d be surprised how far that gets you.” ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson

“Follow the rules whenever possible. That makes it a lot more surprising when you break them” ~ Mira Grant (Deadline)

“We are continually faced with great opportunities which are brilliantly disguised as unsolvable problems” ~ Margaret Mead

“At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual” ~ Patrick Moore

“A martyr’s just a casualty with really good PR” ~ Mira Grant (Deadline)

“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new” ~ Albert Einstein

“Today’s greatest labor-saving device is tomorrow” ~ President Woodrow T. Wilson

“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away” ~ Kahlil Gibran

“As far as I’m concerned, I prefer silent vice to ostentatious virtue” ~ Albert Einstein

“Too old to plant trees for my own gratification, I shall do it for my posterity” ~ Thomas Jefferson

“We hang the petty theives and appoint the great ones to public office” ~ Aesop

“We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give” ~ Winston Churchill

“Politicians are not born, they are excreted” ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero (106BC-43AD)

“Science is not a collection of truths. It is a continuing exploration of mysteries” ~ Freeman Dyson

“Take sides. Neutrality always serves the oppressor and never the oppressed.” ~ Ellie Wiesel

“There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, there must never be a time however when we fail to protest” ~ Elie Wiesel

“There are so many beautiful things in the world which I will have to leave when I die, but I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready.” ~ Maurice Sendak

“There must be more to life than having everything.” ~ Maurice Sendak

“I cry a lot because I miss people. They die and I can’t stop them. They leave me and I love them more.” ~ Maurice Sendak

“Children do live in fantasy and reality; they move back and forth very easily in a way we no longer remember how to do.” ~ Maurice Sendak

“People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them” ~ Dave Barry

“Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.” ~ Bill Vaughan

“I think the easiest people to fool are ourselves. Fooling ourselves may even be a necessary precondition for fooling others.” ~ Iain Banks

“My gratitude extends beyond the limits of my capacity to express it.” ~ Iain M Banks, The Player of Games

“To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true.” ~ H L Mencken

“The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses.” ~ Carl Sagan

“The suppression of uncomfortable ideas may be common in religion and politics, but it is not the path to knowledge.” ~ Carl Sagan

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” ~ Robert Frost

“People, you have six senses! The last one is common! Use it!” ~ Michael Ruhlman

“It never ceased to amaze him how quickly a small child’s face could turn from peach to beetroot.” ~ Iain Banks, The Crow Road

“Empathize with stupidity and you’re halfway to thinking like an idiot.” ~ Iain Banks

“I love the smell of the universe in the morning.” ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson

“It is a small thing, this dear gift of life handed us mysteriously out of immensity.” ~ Ray Bradbury

“Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death” ~ Earl Wilson

“Puns are the highest form of literature.” ~ Alfred Hitchcock

“Non-violence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we stop harming all other living beings, we are still savages.” ~ Thomas Edison

“What you read when you don’t have to determines what you will be when you can’t help it.” ~ Oscar Wilde

“A book is proof that humans are capable of working magic.” ~ Carl Sagan

“Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.” ~ Tom Stoppard

“Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you deal with it is what makes the difference.” ~ Virginia Satir

“Religion too often demands belief in physical absurdities and anachronistic traditions despite all scientific evidence and moral progress” ~ Anonymous

“Remember that happiness is a way of travel – not a destination.” ~ Roy M Goodman

“If everybody thought before they spoke, the silence would be deafening.” ~ George Barzan

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” ~ Thomas Edison

“I prefer drawing to talking. Drawing is faster and leaves less room for lies.” ~ Le Corbusier

“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” ~ William Shakespeare (All’s Well That Ends Well)

“One day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to do the things you’ve always wanted. Do it now.” ~ Paulo Coelho

“When money speaks, the truth keeps silent.” ~ Russian proverb

“I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate” ~ George Burns

“The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things.” ~ Henry Ward Beecher

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” ~ Albert Einstein



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Cat quotes… I mean quotes about cats



“If cats could talk, they wouldn’t” ~ Nan Porter

“Most cats, when they are out want to be in, and vice versa, and often simultaneously” ~ Louis F. Camuti DVM

“The phrase ‘domestic cat’ is an oxymoron” ~ George F. Will

“My husband said it was him or the cat… I miss him sometimes” ~ Unknown

“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later” ~ Mary Bly

“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference” ~ Charlotte Gray

“Some people own cats and go on to lead normal lives” ~ Unknown

“No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens” ~ Abraham Lincoln

“The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat” ~ Ogden Nash

“What are kittens made of? 30% cuteness, 29% mischief, 28% purrs, 10% soft fur, 3% innocence” ~ Unknown

“A cat can purr its way out of anything” ~ Donna McCrohan

“Cats make great pets; out of their owners.” ~ Anonymouse

“The little furry buggers are just deep, deep wells you throw all your emotions into” ~ Bruce Schimmel

“When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with me rather than I with her?” ~ Montaigne

“You own a dog but you feed a cat” ~ Jenny de Vries

“Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well” ~ Missy Dizick

“As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat” ~ Ellen Perry Berkeley

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow” ~ Jeff Valdez

“Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want” ~ Joseph Wood Crutch

“Time spent with cats is never wasted” ~ Sigmund Freud

“Everyone needs a dog to adore him, and a cat to bring him back to reality” ~ Unknown

“The reason cats climb is so that they can look down on almost every other animal… it’s also the reason they hate birds” ~ K C Buffington

“Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience” ~ Pam Brown

“A cat is there when you call her – if she doesn’t have something better to do” ~ Bill Adler

“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution” ~ Hazel Nicholson

“If your cat falls out of a tree, go indoors to laugh” ~ Patricia Hitchcock

“Cats like doors left open – in case they change their minds” ~ Rosemary Nisbet

“A cat doesn’t know what it wants and wants more of it” ~ Richard Hexem

“A cat will do what it wants when it wants, and there’s not a thing you can do about it” ~ Frank Perkins

“If the claws didn’t retract, cats would be like Velcro” ~ Dr Bruce Fogle

“Cats never strike a pose that isn’t photogenic” ~ Lillian Jackson Braun

“A baited cat may grow as fierce as a lion” ~ Samuel Palmer

“A cat will assume the shape of its container” ~ Unknown

“Two things are aesthetically perfect in the world; the clock and the cat…” ~ Emile Auguste Chartier

“Some people say man is the most dangerous animal on the planet. Obviously those people have never met an angry cat” ~ Lillian Johnson

“In ancient times, cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this” ~ Terry Pratchett

“There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast” ~ Unknown

“Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer” ~ Bruce Graham

“The cat is the only animal which accepts the comforts but rejects the bondage of domesticity” ~
Georges Louis Leclerc de Buffon

“Those who’ll play with cats must expect to be scratched” ~ Cervantes















































































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Favourite humorous quotes

Favourite humorous quotes“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them” ~ Emo Philips

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it” ~ Groucho Marx

“I bought an anti-bullying wristband when they came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid” ~ Jack Whitehall

“Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability” ~ Bill Bailey

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” ~ George Carlin

“Consciousness: that annoying time between naps” ~ Anonymous

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again” ~ Tim Vine

“Happiness is having a large, loving, close-knit family in another city” ~ George Burns

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else” ~ Lily Tomlin

“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery” ~ Spike Milligan

“Dave drowned. At the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted” ~ Gary Delaney

“Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability” ~ David Brent

“Exercise is a dirty word… Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate” ~ Charles M Schulz

“Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year” ~ Victor Borge

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing” ~ Emo Philips

“I tell you, we are here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different” ~ Kurt Vonnegut

“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know” ~ Groucho Marx

“I do not have OCD. I checked, three or four hundred times, and I definitely don’t have it” ~ David Mitchell

“I don’t like my hands. I always keep them at arm’s length” ~ Tim Vine

“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine” ~ Tommy Cooper

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read” ~ Groucho Marx

“My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the hell she is” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

“He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy!” ~ Brian’s mother, Life of Brian

“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R” ~ Tim Vine

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” ~ Stephen Wright

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes” ~ Jack Handey

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason” ~ Jack Handey

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies” ~ Groucho Marx

“All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed” ~ Sean O’Casey

“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious” ~ Brendan Gill

“She said she was approaching 40, and I couldn’t help wondering from which direction” ~ Bob Hope

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat” ~ Lilly Tomlin

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia” ~ Charles Schulz

“Stand in a library and go aaagghh! and everyone just stares at you. But do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in” ~ Tommy Cooper

“We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet” ~ Rita Rudner

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man” ~ Jack Handey

“I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect” ~ Anonymous

“I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet” ~ Rita Rudner

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things” ~ George Carlin

“Great moments in science: Einstein discovers that time is actually money” ~ Gary Larson

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine” ~ Rita Rudner

“Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway” ~ Anonymous

“But I’m not so think as you drunk I am” ~ Samuel Smiles

“I intend to live forever, or die trying” ~ Groucho Marx

“Cheese – milk’s leap toward immortality.” ~ Clifton Fadiman



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Some (more) favourite quotes

 

Some (more) favourite quotes“Do all that you can, with all that you have, in the time that you have, in the place where you are” ~ Nkosi Johnson (1989-2001)

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans” ~ John Lennon

“Press freedom / some authorities are confused by the two meanings of press” ~ Loesje

“That the only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilised community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others” ~ J S Mill

“Trust provides security / fences don’t” ~ Loesje

“Don’t follow your dreams; chase them” ~ Richard Dumb

“There is nothing constant in this world but inconsistency” ~ Jonathan Swift

“Le doute n’est pas une condition agréable, mais la certitude est absurde” ~ Voltaire

“It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept” ~ Bill Watterson

“Don’t find fault, find a remedy” ~ Henry Ford

“The good thing about science is that it’s true whether or not you believe in it.” ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson

“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world” ~ The Buddha Dhammapada

“The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those that got there first” ~ Steven Tyler

“Ask yourself this question: Will this matter a year from now?” ~ Richard Carlson

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven…” ~ John Milton (Paradise Lost)

“The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth” ~ Gerald Burrill

“Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it” ~ Andre Gide

“Know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything’s different” ~ Bill Watterson

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us” ~ Bill Watterson

“Being brave / Lets no one off the grave / Death is no different whined at than withstood” ~ from Aubade by Philip Larkin

“Life on earth is expensive / but it includes a free trip around the sun” ~ Loesje

“If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed” ~ Mark Twain

“I liked things better when I didn’t understand them” ~ Bill Watterson

“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you are the world” ~ Anonymous

“Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get” ~ Ingrid Bergman

“Pay attention. And keep breathing” ~ Terence McKenna

“Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“Eschew the ordinary, disdain the commonplace” ~ Chuck Jones

“If you have a single minded need for something, let it be the unusual, the esoteric, the bizarre, the unexpected” ~ Chuck Jones

“I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough. Without ever having felt sorry for itself” ~ D H Lawrence

“We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow; Our wiser sons, no doubt, will think us so” ~ Alexander Pope

“It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It’s only necessary to be rich” ~ Alan Alda

“If adventure doesn’t wait on the doorstep / climb out through the window” ~ Loesje

“The best number for a dinner party is two – myself and a damn’ good head waiter” ~ Nubar Gulbenkian

“The truth / which one of the three versions do you want to hear” ~ Loesje

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us” ~ Helen Keller

“Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy” ~ Cynthia Nelms

“An apostrophe is the difference between a business that knows its shit and a business that knows it’s shit.” ~ Sam Tanner

“Life is short, eat dessert first” ~ variously credited to Mark Twain, Ogden Nash, Ernestine Ulmer, Sue Ellen Cooper and Jacques Torres



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Sensible, prudent and rational?

A few actions and conducts that appear to be sensible, prudent and rational, but are really just another poor excuse to repeat yet more quotations:


Plan for the future, but live for now; don’t live for a future that might be better, because it may never arrive.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” ~ Albert Einstein

“It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.” ~ Yogi Berra

“Go for it now. The future is promised to no one.” ~ Wayne Dyer


Be yourself and say what you think.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss

“It is better to be hated for what one is, than loved for what one is not.” ~ André Gide

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” ~ Kurt Cobain


Enjoy luxuries in small doses; too much of any one thing reduces the pleasure you take from it.

“The saddest thing I can imagine is to get used to luxury.” ~ Charlie Chaplin


Don’t complain; either do something about it or forget it and move on.

“Say and do something positive that will help the situation; it doesn’t take any brains to complain.” ~ Robert A. Cook

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain — and most fools do.” ~ Dale Carnegie


Tell the truth; being untruthful will almost always come back to you.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” ~ Mark Twain

“You never find yourself until you face the truth.” ~ Pearl Bailey


Help other people; that too will almost always come back to you.

“Help others achieve their dreams and you will achieve yours.” ~ Les Brown

“No man can help another without helping himself.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“No matter what accomplishments you make, somebody helped you.” ~ Althea Gibson


Don’t assume anything; assumptions stifle your thoughts and actions.

“If you see the teeth of the lion, do not think that the lion is smiling at you.” ~ Al-Mutanabbi

“Many people might have attained wisdom had they not assumed they already had it.” ~

Source Unknown


Travel to new places.

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.” ~ Mark Twain

“Travel teaches tolerance.” ~ Benjamin Disraeli

“To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries.” ~ Aldous Huxley

“The more I travelled the more I realized that fear makes strangers of people who should be friends.” ~ Shirley Maclaine


Don’t expect money to make you happy.

“Money makes a good servant, but a bad master.” ~ Francis Bacon

“The only thing I like about rich people is their money.” ~ Lady Nancy Astor

“If you marry for money, you will surely earn it.” ~ Ezra Bowen


Don’t spend too much time either on your appearance or worrying; neither will solve anything in the long term.

“We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.” ~ Ethel Barrett

“Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

“Stop worrying — nobody gets out of this world alive.” ~ Clive James


Have the courage to do things; most of the time you will be successful.

“Do something. If it works, do more of it. If it doesn’t, do something else.” ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt


Achieve things that matter to you.

“You never achieve real success unless you like what you are doing.” ~ Dale Carnegie


Work without interruption on one single thing at a time.

“The shortest way to do many things is to do only one thing at a time.” ~ Sydney Smiles


Keep your mind open to new ideas, tools and techniques.

“There will always be a frontier where there is an open mind and a willing hand.” ~ Charles F. Kettering


And last, but not least; when you do something, do it well.

“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson


But remember:

“Believe nothing you hear, and only half of what you see.” ~ Mark Twain



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