A small selection of some favourite Tweets from the last few months.
@5tevenw
Cigarettes are just like ferrets, perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire…
@seanmtully
Ah – the quiet and persistent genius: RT @MumblingNerd: I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous :^)
@JoyLashes
Fave tweet! @MumblingNerd Apparently there’s a theory that chocolate slows down the aging process; it may not be true, but why take the risk?
@mlomb
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. #humor
@ComicTwit
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
@OriMeissa
RT @MumblingNerd Wear short sleeves and support your right to bare arms! :^) << Groan!! Now that’s a 2nd amendment everyone can live with :)
@5tevenw
2 Eskimos in kayak were cold. They lit fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it
@5tevenw
My wife says I never listen to her….or something like that.
@mrjuggles
RT @MumblingNerd: I’ve been thinking about Tweeting to someone in jail, but the sentence was too long :^)
@waivethesale
@PembDave There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary & those who don’t.
@pissyserver
Why don’t people google things? Some of my smartest friends send me emails asking me shit when googling it would yeild faster answers.
@shitmydadsays
“A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching.”
@shitmydadsays
“I hate paying bills… Son, don’t say “me too.” I didn’t say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of “go away.”
@shitmydadsays
“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain’t spitting it out.”
@duhism
rt Duhism Master @MumblingNerd: I bought a new jersey in Newark, Nottinghamshire, but now it’s in such a state I only wear it in the garden
@maineroots
Brilliant! RT @MumblingNerd: Why would you need both a carrot and a stick, when a very large raw carrot could fulfil both roles?
@shitmydadsays
“I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it…No, I’m not gonna stop, I’m just saying yes, I get that concept.”
@Hipchickadee
I have C.D.O. It’s like O.C.D. but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be
@BrazenlyLiberal
RT @MumblingNerd: Read Tweet. Right wheat, rate trait, right to eat, raid treat; right sweet! Ride tight, right trite… retreat. Re Tweet.
@MumblingNerd
@indykitty I had a flat in Nottingham in the hilly bit, before that I had a flat in the flat bit, now I’m in the hilly bit without a flat
@indykitty
As soon as you make something idiot-proof, along comes a bigger idiot.
@indykitty
Two rules to live by: First, look out for #1. Second, don’t step in #2.
@MumblingNerd
Found a woollen jumper by the bus stop this morning; perhaps a driver had to pullover :^)
@TheWritersDen
New strangest tweet of the day~ @MumblingNerd ~ To wear is you man, two four give deep vine.~
@StoryofMyLife
Cool Twitter name of the day: @MumblingNerd #fb Yay!
@YouLookGreat
says take life one day at a time, but take doughnuts two at a time.
@norcross
90 people get swine flu and everyone wants to wears a mask. A million people get AIDS and yet no one wants to wear a condom. Just sayin.
@harmonyjones
Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be.
@rationalbritain
RT @ MumblingNerd Friar Tuck doesn’t like spoonerisms. Heheheh…
@deathbychoccy
Men are always whining about how women suffocate them. Well, if you can still hear them whine, you’re not holding the pillow hard enough!
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