I thought I’d round off the year with a few appalling cracker jokes …
Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? ~ The elf and safety officer
What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? ~ He got 25 days
What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave? ~ He gives them the sack
Where does Father Christmas go to recover after Christmas? ~ An elf farm
What did Santa say to the smoker? ~ Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? ~ It’s Christmas, Eve
What is the best Christmas present in the world? ~ A broken drum, you just can’t beat it
What did the cat get while crossing the desert at Christmas? ~ Sandy claws
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the New Year’s Eve party? ~ Because he had no body to go with
When is a boat like a pile of snow? ~ When it’s adrift
What’s an underground train full of professors called? ~ A tube of Smarties (probably only works in UK English)
What type of room has no windows or doors? ~ A mushroom
Why don’t robots have brothers? ~ Because they only have trans-sisters
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? ~ Dam
What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time? ~ One day my prints will come
What do you call two happy mushrooms? ~ Fun guys
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? ~ Three: the left ear, the right ear & the final front ear
Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory? ~ Because he couldn’t concentrate
What has four legs and goes ‘Boo’? ~ A cow with a cold
Why did the atheist cross the road? ~ So he could see both sides
What do you give a dog for Christmas? ~ A mobile bone
How did the beaver get online? ~ He logged on
Why do birds fly south in winter? ~ Because it’s too far to walk
What do you give to a man who has everything? ~ Antibiotics
Who invented fractions? ~ Henry the 1/8th
What do you call two robbers? ~ A pair of knickers
Where are the Andes? ~ On the end of your armies
What do toilets and anniversaries have in common? ~ Men always miss them
Why can’t a bike stand up by itself? ~ Because it’s two-tired
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? ~ A nervous wreck
What is black and white and noisy? ~ A zebra with a drum kit
What do witches use to wrap their presents? ~ Spello-tape
What do you call a train loaded with toffee? ~ A chew chew train
Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers? ~ In case he got a hole in one
What’s grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow? ~ An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth
What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? ~ Freeze a jolly good fellow
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? ~ Nacho Cheese
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bedside clock? ~ An alarm cluck
Why did the chicken cross the football pitch? ~ Because the referee whistled for a fowl
Why is Europe like a frying pan? ~ Because it has Greece at the bottom
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? ~ A mince spy
Why don’t penguins fly? ~ Because they’re not tall enough to be pilots
There were two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said: ‘Can you smell carrots?’
Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch? ~ Because he was the skipper
How did the Vikings send secret messages? ~ By Norse code
What kind of lighting did Noah use on the ark? ~ Floodlights
Why did the chewing gum cross the road? ~ Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot
What’s the slogan for the Eskimo lottery? ~ You’ve got to be Inuit to win you it
How do monkeys make toast? ~ Stick some bread under a gorilla
How do you hire an elephant? ~ Stand it on four bricks
Why was Cinderella thrown off the team? ~ Because she ran away from the ball
What sits on the beach and cackles? ~ A sand witch
Which cheese is made backwards? ~ Edam…
What would you get if all the cars in Britain were red? ~ A red carnation
What’s brown and creeps around the house? ~ Mince spies
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party? ~ He had no body to go with
What did one lift say to the other? ~ I think I’m coming down with something
And, lastly, one of my favourites…
What’s ET short for? ~ Because he’s only got little legs
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