A selection of jokes and one-liners from the last ten years of the Edinburgh Fringe.

 

Fringe festival logo“Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’.”

Carey Marx  (2008)

 

“The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’.”

Andrew Bird  (2008)

 

“I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it’s awkward.”

Tom Stade (2008)

 

“My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first”

Alex Horne (2008)

 

“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?”

Dan Antolpolski (2009)

 

“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’.”

Paddy Lennox (2009)

 

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”

Jack Whitehall (2009)

 

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

Gary Delaney (2010)

 

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”

Matt Kirshen (2011)

 

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

Nick Helm (2011)

 

“I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.”

Hayley Ellis (2012)

 

“My husband’s penis is like a semi colon. I can’t remember what it’s for and I never use it anyway.”

Mary Bourke (2012)

 

“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”

Will Marsh (2012)

 

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”

Rob Beckett (2012)

 

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

Stewart Francis (2012)

 

“I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.”

Alfie Moore (2013)

 

“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”

Rob Auton (2013)

 

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.”

Sara Pascoe (2014)

 

“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.”

Alex Horne (2014)

 

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”

Joe Lycett (2014)

 

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”

Sara Pascoe (2014)

 

“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.”

Mark Watson (2014)

 

“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out; I bought myself a Happy Meal.”

Paul F Taylor (2014)

 

“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.”

Ria Lina (2014)

 

“One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once’.”

Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014)

 

“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.”

Iain Stirling (2014)

 

“People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.”

Kai Humphries (2014)

 

“My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.”

Paul McCaffrey (2014)

 

“Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. Bad example.”

Bridget Christie (2014)

 

“Miley Cyrus. You know when she was born? 1992. I’ve got condiments in my cupboard older than that.”

Lucy Beaumont (2014)

 

“Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.”

Tom Parry (2015)

 

“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.”

Nick Hall (2015)

 

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.”

Alun Cochrane (2015)

 

“My cat is recovering from a massive stroke.”

Darren Walsh (2015)

 

“I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads’.”

Mark Simmons (2015)

 

“If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.”

Ian Smith (2015)

 

“I learned about method acting at drama school, when all my classmates stayed in character as posh, patronising twats for the entire three years I was there.”

Bridget Christie (2015)

 

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.”

Tom Ward (2015)

 

“‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes’.”

Damien Slash (2015)

 

“One in four frogs is a leap frog.”

Chris Turner (2016)

 

“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.”

Jordan Brookes (2016)

 

“I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.”

Jordan Brookes (2016)

 

“Golf is not just a good walk ruined, it’s also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined.”

John Luke-Roberts (2016)

 

“It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.”

Olaf Falafel (2016)

 

“I have the woman-flu. Which is like the man-flu, but worse, because I also regularly have periods and I get paid less.”

Sofie Hagen (2016)

 

“I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket.”

Stuart Laws (2016)

 

“Drug use gets an unfair reputation considering all the beautiful things in life it has given us like rock ‘n’ roll and sporting achievement.”

Jason John Whitehead (2016)

 

“I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password.”

Rory O’Keeffe (2016)

 

“I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that I don’t work, but I do feel very guilty about that.”

Rory O’Keeffe (2016)

 

“I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day.”

Aatif Nawaz (2016)

 

“People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.”

Abi Roberts (2016)

 

“I think children are like Marmite. You either love them or you keep them at the back of the cupboard next to the piccalilli.”

Abi Roberts (2016)

 

“Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.”

Olaf Falafel (2016)

 

“A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy.”

Chris Turner (2016)

 

“I bumped into my French teacher the other day who asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.”

Adam Hess (2016)

 

“Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.”

Paul F. Taylor (2016)

 

“I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.”

Caroline Mabey (2017)

 

“Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas.”

Robert Garnham (2017)

 

 

 

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Tim Vine One-line Groaners


Tim Vine is an English actor, writer, TV host and hilarious stand-up comedian, his stand-up act mainly consists of quick-fire one-line ‘groaner’ jokes and word play.

He won the funniest joke of the year at the Edinburgh Fringe in 2010. His winning joke was ‘I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.’

Anyway, to the point of this post, here’s a selection of Tim Vine’s famous one-liner gags:


The advantage of easy origami is twofold…

I was in the Army once and the sergeant said to me ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said ‘I give up!’

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!

So I rang up British Telecom and said ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’ He said ‘Not you again’

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one’

I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said ‘Put it back’

I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing; serves him right

Albinos; you can’t say fairer than that

So I said to this train driver ‘I want to go to Paris’ He said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘I’ve been on telly, but I’m no Dean Martin’

Beware of Alphabet Grenades; if you throw them, it could spell disaster

I saw this advert that said ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full’ I thought ‘I can’t turn that down’

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Black beauty; he’s a dark horse

I wanted to be a milkman; but I didn’t have the bottle

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from’

I said to the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said ‘How flexible are you?’ I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’

My mate said to me ‘Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?’ I said ‘Cors-i-can!’

I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags; he’s bisatchel

I went to the local supermarket. I said ‘I want to make a complaint; this vinegar’s got lumps in it’ He said ‘Those are pickled onions’

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything; trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past; it was a bit choppy

I used go out with an anaesthetist; she was a local girl

Did you know that if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it would give birth to a litter of Twiglets?

So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are’

During the war, my grandfather could not stop scribbling; he got hit by a Doodlebug

I’ve got a front door made from sponge; don’t knock it

I’ve played football on a plane, you know… there I was, running up the wing!

I threw some snow at my girlfriend; she didn’t catch my drift

Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They’ve formed The Doors

I went to the icecream shop and said ‘I want to buy an icecream’ He said ‘Hundreds and thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with the one’

When I left home, my mum said ‘Don’t forget to write’ I thought ‘That’s unlikely; it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?’

Velcro… what a ripoff

So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Weggie Kray

I went to the record shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

What do you call a lady with big teeth who sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui

When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up

Exit signs; they’re on the way out aren’t they?

This bloke said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of your trouser leg and put it in a library’ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books’

So I went to the dentist. He said ‘Say Aaah.’ I said ‘Why?’ He said ‘My dog’s died’

The price of hearing aids has gone up? Deaf people across the country are going ‘how much?’

I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you’

I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil; crematoriums

I’m not very good at magic; I can only do half of a trick. Yes, I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’

So I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue’ I said ‘No, just a watch’

I went into a shop and I said ‘Can someone sell me a kettle’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said ‘Where is he?’

I went to a pet shop. I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’

I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels’ He said ‘You’ve got cholera’

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R

I was reading this book today, ‘The History of Glue’ and I couldn’t put it down

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on

My mate asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work?’ I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me’

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said ‘I want you to trace someone for me’

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said ‘No, it’s a permanent job’

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says ‘Audi!’

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said ‘Nearest the bull goes first’ He went ‘Baah’ and I went ‘Moo’ He said ‘You’re closest’

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny; you couldn’t swing a cat in there

I stole things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts

Whenever I’m in Italy I become a rickety old table. I guess I’m just a hopeless Rome antique

After I’ve had an argument I sometimes hold a Hoover over my head. It helps clear the air

The other day I sat on a hairdryer. That put the wind up me

This bloke said to me, he said I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away. I said that’s a bit far-fetched

This reporter said to me, he said how would you describe the absence of Haley’s flaming meteorite? I said no comet

I’m amazed how many people go to Ascot when it’s windy. Still, hats off to them

Me and my brother inherited some furniture from the local zoo. I’m glad to say I got the lion’s chair

I was skiing through Tie Rack and I fell down an 80-foot cravat

So I saw this bloke who was a cross between an ostrich and a serial killer. He was always burying other people’s heads in the sand

The other day I tied my head to a dog’s tail. I just fancied a bit of a chinwag

So I saw this bloke with a 1.2-litre engine halfway down his arm. I said more power to your elbow

I don’t like my hands. I always keep them at arm’s length

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

BNAG – that’s BANG out of order!

I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly

So I said to my Mum I’m going to the funfair. She said Oooooh will you go on the Ghost train? I said No, I’ll walk

So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I’d like to rent Batman Forever. I said No, just for two hours!

I decided to sell my Hoover… well it was just collecting dust.



 

 

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