A selection of jokes and one-liners from the last ten years of the Edinburgh Fringe.

 

Fringe festival logo“Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’.”

Carey Marx  (2008)

 

“The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’.”

Andrew Bird  (2008)

 

“I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it’s awkward.”

Tom Stade (2008)

 

“My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first”

Alex Horne (2008)

 

“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?”

Dan Antolpolski (2009)

 

“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’.”

Paddy Lennox (2009)

 

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”

Jack Whitehall (2009)

 

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

Gary Delaney (2010)

 

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”

Matt Kirshen (2011)

 

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

Nick Helm (2011)

 

“I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.”

Hayley Ellis (2012)

 

“My husband’s penis is like a semi colon. I can’t remember what it’s for and I never use it anyway.”

Mary Bourke (2012)

 

“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”

Will Marsh (2012)

 

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”

Rob Beckett (2012)

 

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

Stewart Francis (2012)

 

“I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.”

Alfie Moore (2013)

 

“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”

Rob Auton (2013)

 

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.”

Sara Pascoe (2014)

 

“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.”

Alex Horne (2014)

 

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”

Joe Lycett (2014)

 

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”

Sara Pascoe (2014)

 

“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.”

Mark Watson (2014)

 

“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out; I bought myself a Happy Meal.”

Paul F Taylor (2014)

 

“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.”

Ria Lina (2014)

 

“One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once’.”

Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014)

 

“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.”

Iain Stirling (2014)

 

“People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.”

Kai Humphries (2014)

 

“My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.”

Paul McCaffrey (2014)

 

“Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. Bad example.”

Bridget Christie (2014)

 

“Miley Cyrus. You know when she was born? 1992. I’ve got condiments in my cupboard older than that.”

Lucy Beaumont (2014)

 

“Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.”

Tom Parry (2015)

 

“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.”

Nick Hall (2015)

 

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.”

Alun Cochrane (2015)

 

“My cat is recovering from a massive stroke.”

Darren Walsh (2015)

 

“I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads’.”

Mark Simmons (2015)

 

“If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.”

Ian Smith (2015)

 

“I learned about method acting at drama school, when all my classmates stayed in character as posh, patronising twats for the entire three years I was there.”

Bridget Christie (2015)

 

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.”

Tom Ward (2015)

 

“‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes’.”

Damien Slash (2015)

 

“One in four frogs is a leap frog.”

Chris Turner (2016)

 

“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.”

Jordan Brookes (2016)

 

“I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.”

Jordan Brookes (2016)

 

“Golf is not just a good walk ruined, it’s also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined.”

John Luke-Roberts (2016)

 

“It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.”

Olaf Falafel (2016)

 

“I have the woman-flu. Which is like the man-flu, but worse, because I also regularly have periods and I get paid less.”

Sofie Hagen (2016)

 

“I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket.”

Stuart Laws (2016)

 

“Drug use gets an unfair reputation considering all the beautiful things in life it has given us like rock ‘n’ roll and sporting achievement.”

Jason John Whitehead (2016)

 

“I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password.”

Rory O’Keeffe (2016)

 

“I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that I don’t work, but I do feel very guilty about that.”

Rory O’Keeffe (2016)

 

“I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day.”

Aatif Nawaz (2016)

 

“People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.”

Abi Roberts (2016)

 

“I think children are like Marmite. You either love them or you keep them at the back of the cupboard next to the piccalilli.”

Abi Roberts (2016)

 

“Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.”

Olaf Falafel (2016)

 

“A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy.”

Chris Turner (2016)

 

“I bumped into my French teacher the other day who asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.”

Adam Hess (2016)

 

“Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.”

Paul F. Taylor (2016)

 

“I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.”

Caroline Mabey (2017)

 

“Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas.”

Robert Garnham (2017)

 

 

 

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Mendacious Facts

32% of explorers who visit both the North and South Poles develop bipolar disorder.

Aardvarks are allergic to radishes.

Adding baking powder and vinegar to scrambled eggs makes them fluffier.

At 3 feet 11 inches, Robert Peel was the shortest British Prime Minister.

Ducks begin to melt at 39°C.

ET’s surname was Cetera.

Every United States President with a beard was a Republican.

Extensive study of the Shroud of Turin indicates that Jesus had muttonchops.

Febreze, used on fabric to remove odours, does not work on nylon.

Fish dandruff, caused by microscopic flaking scales, is almost impossible to filter from drinking water.

Globes in Australia and New Zealand are always displayed upside down.

Hummingbird eggs can float in mid-air in conditions of exceptionally high humidity.

In two counties of Wyoming, it is still legal to hunt elderly people.

Inuit schools in the far north of Canada teach division, but not multiplication.

John Steinbeck’s ‘The Grapes of Wrath’ is translated in China as ‘Angry Berries’.

Kebabs were invented by a Turkish mathematician when he tried to make an abacus out of meat.

More Americans choke to death on peanuts every year than die in car accidents.

Moths are not able to fly during an earthquake.

Only 48% of bananas curve to the right, the other 52% curve to the left.

Owls only lose feathers while asleep.

Polar bears can eat as many as 22 penguins in a single day.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, although the contractor said it would be.

Rubbing Tabasco on your upper lip before bedtime is an effective temporary cure for insomnia.

Scuba divers are not able to fart at depths below 33 metres.

Silly Putty is 23% less silly since the formula was changed in 1998.

Stocktaking shepherds often fall asleep.

The actor John Wayne’s real name was Lydia Schiffman.

The average vending machine chocolate bar is four and a half years old.

The body of a dead cat has been stuck on the top of Big Ben since 1979.

The boiling point of saliva is almost twice that of water.

The game Pac-Man is based on a true story.

The most frequently used noun in the English language is biscuit.

The original plans for the Statue of Liberty included a waving arm, but the French government vetoed the budget required.

There are more rock hopper penguins in Iceland than people.

Two-thirds of all the world’s supply of coriander comes from a single valley in Italy.

Winnie the Pooh was originally named Winnie the Pee.

Wombats are the only other creature that celebrates birthdays.

You can sharpen the blades of a pencil sharpener by wrapping a pencil in aluminium foil before inserting it.

 

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Still More MumblingNerd Stuff

 

Still more of my previously unpublished Twitter posts:

I’m a Pacifist; it’s my favourite ocean.

I really dislike 144; it’s gross.

Well that’s very disappointing. Apparently, fasting has nothing to do with the speed that you eat.

After all the hype I’ve heard, red tape is surprisingly easy to cut through.

Why would you rest on your laurels? I once had laurels in the garden; they were extremely uncomfortable to rest on.

I’ve had a parcel delivered. Although I never did find out how the liver got into the parcel.

Can you spot a pointillist painting without going dotty? I don’t see the point.

Vive la différence, as the Dutch say. When they’re speaking French.

I cut my finger today, but on the other hand I’m fine.

I’m amazed at how much procrastinating I managed to fit in today.

I repaired a hole in my sock, but it was sew sew boring.

I’ve been thinking outside of the box and decided on cremation.

My hairdresser gave me a Roman cut; she used a pair of Caesars.

Birds must be infuriated when they get vertigo.

I’m writing salad puns; if anyone knows a good one please lettuce know.

There’s a fine line between
silliness
____________

and humour

And I’ve no idea where it is :^)

I’d like to give you some sage advice. It goes well with parsley, rosemary and thyme.

Snakes are measured in inches as there are no feet.

Has anyone else tried fly-tipping? As soon as I attempt it they fly off.

On the one hand the weather is wet for June, but on the other hand I have a broken nail.

I spoke to a grassroots campaigner today, but they refused to look at my lawn.

Watched the test match today. It lit first time.

Apparently a Japanese zoo has an elephant seal. That must take one hell of a lot of cling film.

Soya milk. Didn’t see mine though; has anyone else seen it?

Attempting to sketch with French chalk, but I’m drawing a blanc.

I may be going out on a limb here, but I’m hopping around on one leg.

I’m wondering if I could scrape a living as an archaeologist. Perhaps I’ll dig out my CV.

Hummingbirds should attend to their personal hygiene.

Saw a spoonbill today. That’s the last time I buy cutlery in a hurry.

Look where you’re going! That was just a heads up.

I’ve split my feather quilt and now I’m feeling down.

My nail and hammer mishap stands out like a sore thumb.

Visited the local health centre to show my support today. No one was willing to have a look at it.

I’ve taken another re-sit. It was a huge improvement; I didn’t fall off this time.

Pricked myself on a needle again. I just don’t see the point.

Our dentist is conflicted; he’s cheerful, but he always looks down in the mouth.

I wouldn’t visit a denture shop; I don’t like to pick my teeth in public.

I visited an owl sanctuary recently, but the owls didn’t give two hoots.

I drove past one of those average speed cameras yesterday, but I thought it looked pretty good.

Where can I borrow a dictionary? I only need it for a short spell.

As house spiders are getting bigger, I’ve adjusted the burglar alarm so they don’t trigger it. I wondered where all the flies had gone…

Aww, a little bird just told me to cheer up. Oh, I misheard; it said chirp.

Did a little bowling practice this morning. I now regret not finishing the cereal first.

On my bucket list I have an iron pail, three household buckets and a small plastic beach bucket for making sand castles.

I’ve had a protracted conversation with a neighbour, but dropped the protractor. Now it’s scratched.

Can anyone recommend a local artisan natural GM free organic vegan craft pop-up pantry zero carbon footprint kitchen micro café?

I’m thinking of setting up a family tracing service, but I can’t find a large enough sheet of translucent paper.

I spent all last night running around the bed, but I still didn’t catch up on my sleep.

It’s always good to have a fresh pair of eyes. Slightly disappointed they weren’t from the same donor though.

The Queen doesn’t appear to do much when she launches a ship, surely someone in her position should really push the boat out.

When William the Conqueror visited Nottingham Castle, he had pizza delivered and told them to change the keep.

I’ve been short-changed at a yard sale; I only got 35 inches.

A problem shared is a problem halved. Regrettably I’ve so far failed to apply that to utility bills.

Vicious mathematicians shouldn’t work in dreadful pubs; vile inns never solved anything.

I just found some raw toast.

I went to Muffin Break today, but they only do replacement muffins, not repairs.

If I tweet about bacteria, will you all help it to go viral?

I have a spring in my step today. Also a tiny cogwheel and a brass screw from an old clock.

Should I complain about this pressure cooker not working properly, or should I just keep a lid on it?

If you’re into bondage, it’s vital to have a partner you can truss completely.

If I hadn’t had fillet mignon last night, it would have been a missed steak.

Just saw a shepherd handing out hard boiled sweet mints for Christmas. Baa humbug.

I’ve been getting contractions all morning; it started with isn’t, then can’t and now I’ve just had a couple of don’ts.

If you can’t decide whether to buy a telepathic abacus as a Christmas gift, just remember it’s the thought that counts.

There are holes in our chest of drawers; I suspect they’ve been rifled.

Our dining room lights are too bright for eating Chinese takeaway meals; we have to dim sum.

I don’t know why I’ve been called supernumerary; maths has never been my strong point.

I’m concerned about this kebab; I suspect it may be from ancient grease.

Just had a watershed moment. The shed roof is leaking.

If you make allegations about crocodile tears, does that make you the alligator?

The Met Office are issuing a yellow warning for snow in some areas; whatever you do, AVOID THE YELLOW SNOW!

Spent a lot of time sole searching today. Eventually managed to prise the stone out.

Not impressed with this new ‘Soothing Apricot Toner’. The apricot I tested it on is neither soothed nor toned, and it tastes revolting.

I once tripped and fell on a cricket pitch in freshly ironed trousers; I ruined the crease.

I just discovered a greenhouse that’s only a stone’s throw away…

I’ve taken this barometer into four pubs so far; I think it’s broken.

I’m not a gossip; I just have a great sense of rumour.

On my last hospital visit I signed a doctor’s organ donation form, now there’s a man after my own heart.

I’m feeling a little left behind today. Later on I shall also feel my right side.

I have quite a large fan base. Although to be fair, the fan is still unstable and liable to fall over.

I need to buy a bigger scarf; my old one is too tight.

Finding accommodation for a flock of chickens was a big coup for me.

I’m feeling marginalised. I’m on page one, just to the left of the first paragraph.

They pulled the wool over my eyes once too often; I’ve exchanged the item for cotton.

This is a pretty kettle of fish, although the pot of toads is slightly unpleasant.

Don’t worry about parallel lines and vanishing points. It’s all a matter of perspective.

I couldn’t find a nutcracker, so I used a sledgehammer.

Don’t breed guppies. We have much bigger fish to fry.

I felt like I should be dusting or vacuuming. So I’m having a coffee until the feeling passes.

I take homeopathy with a pinch of salt. Of course the pinch of salt is so diluted that my descendants will be drinking it for generations.

Possession is nine-tenths of the law, but only if you exorcise regularly.

After pouring oil on troubled waters, I’m now pouring coffee through an anxious filter.

Do you want to increase your #SocialMedia presence?
Fluorescent paint will make a huge difference to your visibility.

I’m very concerned about an old well in our back garden; it’s not a tall well.

I had to give up being narcissistic when I realised I couldn’t spell it.

I couldn’t work in a cemetery; there are too many dead lines.

When the first speaker took the floor I was left balancing precariously on a joist.

In chemistry labs on casual Fridays, formaldehyde turns into spontaneousdehyde.

I’ve been setting the record straight today. The needle skips tracks if the record isn’t straight.

I’ve been finding my feet today.
Oh look, there they are again!

I’ve never been backward at coming forward in awkward parking spaces.

Just heard someone say their supply of ice is running dry. Our ice only ever runs wet.

I used to have a life outside of social media, but I forgot the password to it.

“Everybody you ever met in your life was brought to you for a reason.” Last night it was pizza.

Had a brush with the law yesterday; I found a box of toupees and now the police are combing the area.

I now realise that I will never be old enough to be grown up.

I was in a pretty pickle today. Well, I say pretty, gherkins are more attractive than actually pretty.

I’m up to my neck in it today, but then I’ve never gone without a shirt even when it’s hot…

What a fantastic start to the day; I went into another room and actually remembered why…

Belts are waisted on me.

Delighted to know that oily fish is good for you, because these reformed economy fish fingers soaked in melted lard really hit the spot.

I’ve been itching to study flea bites, but I don’t want to start from scratch.

I could eat French honey with every miel.

I’m ticked off with checklists that won’t let you work outside the box.

I’ve been shopping for a pair of pear paring knives, but only found one.

I was balancing the books today, until Jane Austen’s ‘Pride and Prejudice’ toppled the whole pile.

I’ll never get rid of these gnat bites; I think I’ll have to start from scratch.

I paused to listen mindfully to the gentle sounds that surround me today. Turns out to have been chewing gum on my shoe.

I was approached by a whistle blower today. I confiscated it.

Focus on the positives and forget the negatives, but not if you’re still using a film camera.

I don’t regret the demise of wired phones, except now I can’t slam the receiver down on the 95% of calls that are spam.

If you take a ballet degree, are you guaranteed to graduate with at least a tutu?

I’m not convinced those cardboard policemen are cut out for the job.

Fabrics are conspicuous at the Olympics; must be all the curtain raising and blanket coverage.

I attached some guitar strings to the cat once; turned it into a strumpet

Our cat doesn’t like lemon; what a sourpuss.

Best foot forward. However, involve your worst foot too, or you won’t get very far.

I’m ecstatic, which is a relief; the static was quite painful.

I’ve reported my triangular luggage as stolen; the Police tell me that it’s a case without parallel.

I’m on a roll. It’s cheese and tomato, but I don’t know who put it on the chair.

Visited an origami display that went terribly wrong; the whole thing unfolded right in front of us.

I’ve always been edgy, but as I get older, and rounder, my edges no longer appear to have an edge to them…

Nothing goes to waste, it all goes to waist.

Thinking outside of the box didn’t really help Schrödinger’s cat.

Surfers Against Sewage is a campaign against the blight of plastic pollution in our oceans. Also, their title works on more than one level…

Some strange times are afoot, well, 30 centimetres.

I can’t remember the name of my homing pigeon, but I’m sure it will come back to me.

Digging up grape plants felt de-vine.

People travelling to Australia from Britain are having their world turned upside down.

I’m a man of letters. Sorry, that should have said lettuce. It’s a lad thing, I mean a salad thing.

I went the extra mile today. Got off the bus at the wrong stop…

I tried 3D printing some Dutch footwear, but it clogged up the printer.

And now for some brilliant word-play for telepaths.

Lying through your teeth is still an option with dentures, as long as you keep them in.

I’ve had my milk chocolate sailing boat converted to dark chocolate; it’s all plain sailing now.

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More humorous quotes

Homer Simpson“I’ve put on some weight recently. My wife says it’s just puppy fat, but I’ve been eating other things as well.” ~ Gareth Richards

“So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I’d like to rent Batman Forever. I said No, just for two hours!” ~ Tim Vine

“My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn’t fancy her chances.” ~ Nish Kumar

“I was going to spend the afternoon daydreaming… but my mind kept wandering.” ~ Steven Wright

“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.” ~ Stewart Francis

“Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.” ~ George Ryegold

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” ~ Rob Beckett

“I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don’t know I’m using blanks.” ~ Emo Philips

“I have a stepladder. It’s a very nice stepladder, but it’s sad that I never knew my real ladder.” ~ Craig Charles

“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” ~ Will Marsh

“I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know Y.” ~ Chris Turner

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” ~ Stewart Francis

“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand” ~ Homer Simpson

“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” ~ Rob Auton

“I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.” ~ Alex Horne

“I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.” ~ Alfie Moore

“My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily’.” ~ Tim Vine

“I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.” ~ Gary Delaney

“The universe implodes. No matter.” ~ Liam Williams

“The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.” ~ Chris Coltrane

“The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.” ~ Milton Jones

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” ~ Peter Kay

“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” ~ Benny Hill

“I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy.” ~ Tommy Cooper

“I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail.” ~ Unknown Origin

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” ~ Herm Albright

“Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.” ~ Sloane Crosley

“Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.” ~ Isabel Allende

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” ~ Miss Piggy

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.” ~ W C Fields

“I can’t stand innuendo. If I see one in a script I whip it out immediately.” ~ Kenneth Williams


 

 

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

“I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned”, but in the meantime…

I dream of a better world where...Why did the chicken cross the road? ► To get to the other side.

Why did the chicken cross the road? ► Because it was free range.

Why did the chicken run across the road? ► Because a car was coming.

Why did the turkey cross the road? ► To prove it was no chicken.

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch? ► Because the referee whistled for a fowl.

Why did the chicken cross the playground? ► To get to the other slide.

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and then cross the road again? ► Because it was a dirty double-crosser.

Why did the duck cross the road? ► Because the chicken needed a day off.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? ► To get to the same side.

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road? ► Because it wanted to stretch its legs.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? ► Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

Two chickens are sitting by the side of the road. One says to the other: “Are you going to cross then?” “No,” it says, “we’ll never hear the end of it.”

How did the frozen chicken cross the road? ► In a shopping bag.

Why didn’t the chicken skeleton cross the road? ► Because it didn’t have enough guts.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? ► Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.

Why did the cow cross the road? ► To get to the udder side.

Why did the fox cross the road? ► It was looking for the chicken.

Why did the squirrel cross the road? ► Because it was stapled to a chicken.

Why did the Dalek cross the road? ► To EXTERMINATE! the chicken.

Why did the atheist cross the road? ► So they could see both sides.

Why did the abstract surrealist cross the road? ► Tomato monkey.

Why did Darth Vader cross the road? ► To get to the dark side.

Who helped Darth Vader cross the road? ► The Force was with him.

Why did Mr Scott’s chicken cross the road? ► Because it couldna take much morrrrrrre!

Why did the Vulcan chicken cross the road? ► It was the logical thing to do.

Why did the Borg cross the road? ► To assimilate the chicken.


 

 

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Yet More MumblingNerd Stuff

 

Yet more of my previously unpublished Twitter posts and daft comments:

Grim ReaperStaring at the back of a monitor is pointless; always look on the bright side.

I used to live next to a very quiet tennis equipment manufacturer, I was lucky; normally they made a racket.

Finding out how to preserve pork with salt has really saved my bacon.

It’s not middle age spread; it’s just that my genes don’t fit properly.

I used to enjoy working in a mattress factory, except at spring time.

My shoe came off and I dropped a fondant fancy; now I’m footloose and fancy free.

Take life one day at a time, but always take chocolates two at a time.

I had a flat in the hilly part of Nottingham, before that I had a flat in the flat part, now I’m in the hilly part, but I don’t have a flat.

Has anyone found out what Larry is so happy about?

I don’t adhere to the belief that super glue is a bonding experience; there’s no resin for it, so it’s a complete paste of time.

According to the UK weather map this morning; people on the west coast of Wales will need a Cardigan.

Never mind the horse meat saga; rumour has it that moussaka contains no mouse and ratatouille is rodent free.

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth; but my parents never received an apology from the hospital.

A friend kindly passed me their salt cellar without turning around; but it may have been a backhanded condiment.

I’m itching to visit a Flea Market.

Lunchtime, and I’ve just found out that my horseradish sauce has beef in it.

I’m so angry someone put soap in my drink I’m foaming at the mouth.

Fit as a fiddle, viable as a violin, chilled as a cello and deep as a double bass, but there are strings attached.

I might have eaten something that’s past its best; I just have this gut feeling.

I’m a DAB hand at tuning my radio in.

Prince Charles is constantly referred to as heir apparent, but surely his hairline is no one else’s business?

I remember important dates, such as 1066, but the rest are history.

A friend who empties cesspits with a truck was involved in a road accident, he wasn’t injured, but he had a terrible freight.

I invested in a paper aeroplane company, but it folded.

I also foolishly invested in a failing graffiti business; I hadn’t seen the writing on the wall.

A mystic set up a divinatory card reading business for cattle and it failed miserably; it was a Tarot bull way to go.

TV news showed radioactive bullocks resting in the sun near the Fukushima nuclear plant; is this an example of glow bull warming?

I tried to set up a unique Déjà Vu Travel Company, but the focus group said they had seen it all before.

I have such a large vinyl record collection that I’ve barely scratched the surface.

140 characters are perfect; if Twitter had 144 that would be gross.

When a race takes place in Finland, what is the Finish line called?

The Grim Reaper’s hairstylist has just had a brush with death.

I tried cooking something from the ‘Titanic Cookbook’; it was a recipe for disaster, but it did go down well.

Soaking for too long in the bath really creases me up.

My physiotherapist says I’m getting taller, but I think he’s just pulling my leg.

Why do we spend the first few years teaching children to walk and talk, and the next decade telling them to sit down and shut up?

Sheep rustling? What would make sheep rustle; tin foil, taffeta, newspaper, gift wrap?

Just bought a large block of cheddar; some grate times ahead.

Atoms are made up of small subatomic particles called protons, neutrons, electrons and morons #MyAtomsHaveExtraMorons

I’ve been on the edge of my seat all evening. I should move the cat really, but he looks so comfortable.

I have a tortuous joke about marathons, but it won’t fit on Twitter; it’s a long running gag.

A cattle farmer has had to withdraw from a marathon due to a calf injury.

I’m thinking of setting up a business selling sesame seeds; it might open a few doors.

I’ve been trying on very expensive pullovers, but at these prices I think I’m having the wool pulled over my eyes.

Following floods, headlines often announce problems with ‘raw sewage’, but what if it was properly cooked?

If Cinderella’s shoe was a perfect fit, why did it fall off in the first place?

Apparently you can use matchsticks to help you stay awake; that’s a real eye-opener.

You know that slightly desperate feeling you get when you have to look at the second page of Google answers…

Please Note ► People making Schrödinger’s cat jokes today will be regarded as ‘Wanted, Dead or Alive’ by the Joke Regulator.

If you had a blind date with an optician, would you make a spectacle of yourself?

I think I’ve lost an electron; you’ve really got to keep an ion them.

How do headphones tie themselves in knots when you’re not looking?

When I kicked the bucket my toe hurt so much I could have died.

I’m so Hungary Iran to the fridge to Czech for Turkey, but Norway I could eat it with all that Greece. Now I’m Russian out for a Danish.

A scheme has been launched to find out what makes a good timepiece, so far the search has gone like clockwork.

13 out of 12 people don’t know what a baker’s dozen is.

A message keeps displaying on our TV; ‘No Signal’, but we use Colgate anyway.

I have class written all over me; fortunately it wasn’t a permanent ink marker.

Sales of adult diapers have decreased on islands and increased in continents.

Phone reception was terrible in Yorkshire; although one day next to a field of sheep I did get up to three baas.

I watched Walt Disney being interviewed once; he was very animated.

I love dictionaries; they add meaning to everything.

How do cutlery manufacturers manage when they can only get forklift trucks?

WARNING: If someone sends you a link to the new Justin Bieber single, DON’T CLICK ON IT! It’s a link to the new Justin Bieber single.

Couch potato? Sounds delicious; does anyone have a recipe? I’d look for one, but I’m reclining in front of the TV.

It’s late and I just put the cat out. I’ve still no idea how he caught fire.

L M N ► Tree ► May ► Deer ► What’s On

‘Sink your iPhone’ is an expensive typo.

I entered a jazz hands competition and won hands down.

I played cricket last week and lost. I’d no idea they could jump that high.

I stopped at a fork in the road, but quickly moved on; what I really needed was a spoon.

Whenever I attend a word play seminar I have a punini for lunch.

If my salary was paid in sodium chloride, I’d salt it away in the cellar.

I tried following my dreams, but I fell off the bed.

I intended to start the day with a clean slate, but when it came down to it I opted for traditional crockery.

I’ve upgraded my old analogue digits to digital digits. My wedding ring doesn’t fit as well though.

I was in a field of spring flowers today singing “Daisy, Daisy / Give me your answer, do.” No reply.

I can’t find my mouse pointer. Mind you, I’ve only conducted a cursory search.

 

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Diction Hairy of Redefinitions Cover © 2012 Roy ManterfieldThe spell checker approved the title, but it should be ‘Dictionary of Revised Definitions’.

Continuing the long and slightly dubious history of new and revised word redefinitions and daffynitions, in a short but similar vein to works such as ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’ by Ambrose Bierce, the ‘Uxbridge English Dictionary’ #UED from the BBC radio panel game ‘I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue’ #ISIHAC and ‘Wickedictionary’ by Derek Abbott.

I have written most of the definitions listed here, apart from a handful stolen from Twitter acquaintances, although, as many of the definitions are obvious as well as being ridiculous, they may well have been used elsewhere and often.

Click on a group of letters to go to that section:

 

A B C   D E F   G H I   J K L   M N O   P Q R   S T U   V W X Y Z

 

A few of my favourites:

Artichoke (n): creative strangulation
Babylon (n): tough synthetic infant
Cantaloupe (n): incapable of eloping
Diphthong (n): very small swimwear
Esplanade (n): Spanish lemonade
Felon (v): to trip over a thief
Ganache (n): action of teeth on chocolate
Gigolo (n): a fee-male
Hindsight (n): effect of hotpants
Impeccable (n): to protect from woodpeckers
Jamaica (n): person who makes fruit preserves
Kindred (n): fear of relatives
Legendary (n): famous milkman
Mascara (n): Brazilian traffic jam
Negligent (n): negligee for men
Noncustodial (n): a pudding without custard
Onomatopoeia (n): sound made by a tomato
Orifice (n): a hole created in an office
Palindrome (n): dromedary with humps that look the same way in either direction
Pirate (n): pie classification system
Procrastinate (n): to delay the playing of castanets
Quintessence (n): the aroma of five babies
Raucous (n): unprepared couscous
Scherzo (n): swift-moving Italian sausage
Stalemate (n): musty friend
Sycophant (n): poorly elephant
Tachycardia (n): distasteful cardigan
Toboggan (n): winter transportation for tobacco
Unison (n): child of unisex
Voluminous (n): fluorescent vole
Wiggle (v): movement of a wig
Xerox (n): duplicate ox
Yacht (v): unexpected sneeze
Zucchini (n): Italian zookeeper trousers

Copyright © 2011 – 2018 Roy Manterfield

Disclaimer
This dictionary is for entertainment only. Whereas the entertainment value is subjective, the content is not accurate and is not intended to be used in place of an actual dictionary.

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