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Even more favourite quotes

Dave Ramsey quote“There are two secrets to success: 1) Never tell everything you know…” ~ Roger H Lincoln

“Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t” ~ Bill Nye

“You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.” ~ Janis Joplin

“The glow of one warm thought is to me worth more than money.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

“Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create. Do not misunderstand me. Danger is very real. But fear is a choice.” ~ Will Smith

“No, we have to take in nourishment, expel waste and breathe in enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is purely optional.” ~ Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory)

“The most wasted of all days is the one without laughter.” ~ E E Cummings

“Maybe if we stop numbering our squares, we wouldn’t know when we’d gone back to one.” ~ Sammy Dunn

“You can’t use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have” ~ Maya Angelou

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” ~ Dalai Lama

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~ Maya Angelou

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’” ~ Fred Rogers

“If we are going to teach creation science as an alternative to evolution, then we should also teach the stork theory as an alternative to biological reproduction.” ~ Judith Hayes

“We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.” ~ Dave Ramsey

“Hatred eats the soul of the hater, not the hated.” ~ Alice Herz Sommer

What is it you most dislike? “Stupidity, especially in its nastiest forms of racism and superstition.” ~ Christopher Hitchens

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~ Theodore Roosevelt

“You are always responsible for how you act, no matter how you feel.” ~ Robert Tew

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“With or without religion, good people can behave well and bad people can do evil; but for good people to do evil – that takes religion.” ~ Steven Weinberg

“Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.” ~ Twyla Tharp

“If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all.” ~ Noam Chomsky

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If you haven’t found something strange during the day, it hasn’t been much of a day.” ~ John A Wheeler

“You never need an argument against the use of violence; you need an argument for it.” ~ Noam Chomsky

“Man is not what he thinks he is; he is what he hides.” ~ André Malraux

“I think it’s much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong.” ~ Richard P Feynman

“We must learn to live together as brothers or we will perish together as fools.” ~ Martin Luther King

“To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question.” ~ H Yahya

“I have always imagined that paradise will be a kind of library.” ~ Jorge Luis Borges

“I like having my hair and face done, but I’m not going to lose weight because someone tells me to. I make music to be a musician not to be on the cover of Playboy” ~ Adele

“What we think, we become.” ~ Buddha

“Someone else is happy with less than what you have.” ~ Anonymous

“Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.” ~ Cesar Cruz

“Some people are old at 18 and some are young at 90… time is a concept that humans created” ~ Yoko Ono

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.” ~ Audre Lorde

“I believe in kindness. Also in mischief.” ~ Mary Oliver

“It’s frightening that skepticism has to be a movement, because you’re just arguing that reality is reality. What a waste of energy, in a way.” ~ Graham Lineham

“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” ~ Marilyn Monroe

“Race hate isn’t human nature; race hate is the abandonment of human nature.” ~ Orson Welles

“The further a society drifts from truth the more it will hate those that speak it.”” ~ George Orwell

“Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.” ~ Helen Keller

“What is important is the way you look at things, not the way things look.” ~ Hady Sy

“My interest is in the future, because I’m going to spend the rest of my life there.” ~ Charles Kettering

“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people are so full of doubts.” ~ Bertrand Russell

“Imperfection is a form of freedom” ~ Anh Ngo

“The future is already here – it’s just not very evenly distributed” ~ William Gibson

“The best way to get along with people is not to expect them to be like you.” ~ Joyce Meyer

“One glance at a book and you hear the voice of another person, perhaps someone dead for 1,000 years. To read is a voyage through time.” ~ Carl Sagan

“The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.” ~ Isaac Asimov

“Money is numbers and numbers never end. If it takes money to be happy, your search for happiness will never end.” Bob Marley

“Be silly, be honest, be kind.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Be helpful. When you see a person without a smile, give them yours.” ~ Zig Ziglar

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ~ Søren Kierkegaard

“No amount of belief makes something a fact.” ~ James Randi

“I haven’t been everywhere, but it’s on my list.” ~ Susan Sontag

“Jump off cliffs and build your wings on the way down.” ~ Ray Bradbury

“The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.” ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“The 1% won’t expropriate themselves. And they have a lock on media and politics to ensure voters won’t be able to do so.” ~ David Graeber

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” ~ Maya Angelou

“Poverty is not an accident. Like slavery and apartheid, it is man-made and can be removed by the action of human beings.” ~ Nelson Mandela

“If you don’t like my posts, don’t read them. If you are going to comment on my posts and say something negative, learn how to spell.” ~ Sara Pelosi

“Literature is a textually transmitted disease, normally contracted in childhood.” ~ Jane Yolen

“Act without expectation.” ~ Lao Tzu

“Belief in myths allows the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.” ~ John F. Kennedy

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” ~ Douglas Adams

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.” ~ Philip K Dick

“No business which depends for existence on paying less than living wages to its workers has any right to continue in this country.” ~ Franklin D Roosevelt

“Spend more time smiling than frowning and more time praising than criticising.” ~ Richard Branson

“In whose delusional mind is democracy made ‘better’ by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?” ~ Jon Stewart

“The best advice I’ve ever gotten, the surest path to happiness that I know is this: Don’t expect. Don’t expect anything, ever. The less we expect, the happier we are. Expectation is the worst. Consistently, reliably, expectation produces misery.” ~ Dave Bry

“What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence.” ~ Christopher Hitchens

“There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true, the other is to refuse to accept what is true” ~ Soren Kierkegaard

“Whether you understand they evolved over billions of years or believe that a God made them all one afternoon, please be kind to animals.” ~ Ricky Gervais

“The not fully unpleasant awareness of a cuckoo nesting beside him, on the longtime empty pillow of his wife.” From Room 126 of 999 Rooms, a project by Vanni Santoni ► http://999rooms.wordpress.com/

“If you’re not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing.” ~ Malcolm X

“Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open.” ~ Scottish distiller Thomas Dewar



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Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations



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More humorous quotes

Homer Simpson“I’ve put on some weight recently. My wife says it’s just puppy fat, but I’ve been eating other things as well.” ~ Gareth Richards

“So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I’d like to rent Batman Forever. I said No, just for two hours!” ~ Tim Vine

“My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn’t fancy her chances.” ~ Nish Kumar

“I was going to spend the afternoon daydreaming… but my mind kept wandering.” ~ Steven Wright

“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.” ~ Stewart Francis

“Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.” ~ George Ryegold

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” ~ Rob Beckett

“I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don’t know I’m using blanks.” ~ Emo Philips

“I have a stepladder. It’s a very nice stepladder, but it’s sad that I never knew my real ladder.” ~ Craig Charles

“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” ~ Will Marsh

“I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know Y.” ~ Chris Turner

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” ~ Stewart Francis

“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand” ~ Homer Simpson

“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” ~ Rob Auton

“I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.” ~ Alex Horne

“I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.” ~ Alfie Moore

“My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily’.” ~ Tim Vine

“I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.” ~ Gary Delaney

“The universe implodes. No matter.” ~ Liam Williams

“The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.” ~ Chris Coltrane

“The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.” ~ Milton Jones

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” ~ Peter Kay

“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” ~ Benny Hill

“I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy.” ~ Tommy Cooper

“I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail.” ~ Unknown Origin

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” ~ Herm Albright

“Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.” ~ Sloane Crosley

“Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.” ~ Isabel Allende

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” ~ Miss Piggy

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.” ~ W C Fields

“I can’t stand innuendo. If I see one in a script I whip it out immediately.” ~ Kenneth Williams


 

 

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My Nottingham destination print

My Nottingham destination print




For other information about Nottingham click here


If you want to know more about Nottingham’s past there is further information in ‘Events and dates in Nottingham’s history’ and through these websites:

The Nottinghamshire Heritage Gateway

The Thoroton Society of Nottinghamshire

Nottingham Local Studies Library



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Punicious Punography


Punicious PunographyI used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; it’s impossible to put down.

I’m glad I know sign language; it comes in handy.

If towels could tell jokes, they would probably have a dry sense of humour.

Police were called to a nursery where a three year old was resisting a rest.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

A man had his left arm and leg amputated; he’s all right now.

I wondered why the football was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

If you asked a plastic surgeon to make you look like a pelican, would you get a massive bill?

When ancient wall sculptors finished their work, it was a relief.

Someone left a piece of Plasticine in my house. I didn’t know what to make of it.

As one frog croaked to the other; “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”

Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas because he felt his presents.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.

Just watched a religious order playing stringed instruments; there’s too much sects and violins on TV these days.

I nearly lost my frog puppet recently; it tried to Kermit suicide.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

I saw a kidnapping today, but decided not to wake him up.

I’ve spilt glue all over my autobiography. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I’ve just eaten a very hard biscuit; that was one tough cookie.

There are a few grave diggers wandering around the local graveyard; I think they’ve lost the plot.

I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.

Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Palaeontologists thought they’d found new evidence of a missing link, but it was just another fossil arm.

There’s a terrible smell in the local Apple store; it’s a shame they don’t have Windows.

I use my iPhone when I can’t get to sleep; I have a nap for it.

I found out why our refuse collectors are so miserable; they’ve been down in the dumps.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office DVD is in big trouble; you have my Word.

A woman said she’d recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

What do you call someone with neither a body nor a nose? Nobody nose.

I heard a song about a tortilla today; actually it was more of a wrap.

I decided not to return to my drumming lessons for fear of the repercussions.

I heard that OXYGEN and MAGNESIUM were going out and I was like O Mg!

If the devil ever loses his hair there will be hell toupée.

If anyone knows a really good fish pun, let minnow.

When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

Ban singing in football stadiums? No chants.

I’m reading an excellent book about where people keep their cutlery; it’s top drawer.

I like to sing songs without choruses, but usually I refrain.

Would you like to know my secret to being a successful mime artist? I’m saying nothing.

My wife asked me to mend the plug on her fan; I simply refused.

Why do you never hear a pterodactyl use a toilet? Because the P is silent.

I haven’t done the hokey cokey in years. As you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

I just read an advert for a job inspecting mirrors; I could really see myself doing that.

I have an irrational fear of speed bumps; but I’m slowly getting over it.

People who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

Picasso once had a job as a stadium illustrator; he always drew a big crowd.

I worked in a paperless office once; everyone avoided the toilets.

The invention of the pickaxe was ground breaking.

I had to fire a masseuse today; she was rubbing people up the wrong way.

Apparently, the Sydney Opera House is off quay.

I have a very successful business building yachts in the attic; sails are going through the roof.

I often get a lift from an old school friend who always drives in reverse gear; we do go back a long way.

People keep telling me I’m too sceptical, but I don’t believe them.

I found some great puns at the drapers while I was looking for new material.

This book of incantations is useless; the author didn’t use a spell checker.

I’ve ordered a reversible jacket; I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

I used to enjoy archery, but it has its drawbacks.

Will glass coffins prove popular? Remains to be seen.

If you were sent down for a few years, it could be used to stuff quilts.

I know a professor who had his appendix removed, but he still has a full set of footnotes and an extensive bibliography.

Parachute For Sale: only used once, never opened, small stain.

I don’t like my tennis coach’s serve, so I keep returning it.

I swallowed some food colouring by accident and now I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I used to hate maths but then I realised decimals have a point.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

Last year I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet.

My therapist has suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

On maps of Florida the key is always at the bottom.

I wonder which bright spark invented fire?

I’ve started a joke courier business; I can’t take anything seriously.

My daughter said I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

I was almost crushed recently by a pile of books, but I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

I’ve just been on iTunes trying to sync ‘The Titanic’.

Dry erase boards are remarkable.

A man walks into a betting shop and asks “Can I back a horse in here?” The bookmaker nods, so the man shouts “Okay Jim, back her in!”

What’s the bear minimum? One bear.

I went to a duck fancying club once. It was pretty fowl.

I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.


 

 

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Another ‘about’ MumblingNerd

Roy Manterfield (23 Feb 2013)Some things that I like, appreciate, use and think about…

Enthusiastically | Frequently | Occasionally | Specifically | Previously

But not in any particular order… ah, well, actually they’re in alphabetical order ►

Afternoon tea Airfix
Alaska Alzheimer’s Society
Amnesty International Archery
Art galleries Atheism
Avaaz BBC
Beaches Beatles
Berlin Bettys Café Tea Rooms
Birmingham Black Adder
Blogging Blondie
Blueberry pancakes, bacon and maple syrup Books
Bookshops Boston
Bread Breakfast
Brussels Brussels sprouts
California Carl Sagan
Castles Cats
Cheese Chicago
Chocolate Cinema
Coastline Coffee
Comedy Cotton
Cumbria Dawn chorus
Death Valley Delicious bookmarking
Derbyshire deviantART
Devon Douglas Adams
Draft Guinness Dr Who
Eating Edinburgh
Facebook Family
Fawlty Towers Fencing
Ferns Foo Fighters
Fruit Genealogy
George Carlin Glasgow
Google+ Google Chrome
Grand Canyon Graphic design
Groucho Marx Hancock’s Half Hour
Hats Helvetica
History Holidays
Hotel Chocolat Hot weather
Humour Iain M Banks
Ian Dury and the Blockheads I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue
Interlaken Internet
iPhone Jazz
John Lewis Partnership Just a Minute
Lady Gaga Laughing
Leather Leeds
Leicester Lego
Liberalism LinkedIn
Maine Maps
Marmite Merlot
Milton Jones Monty Python
Morecambe and Wise MSWord
Museums Music
Neil deGrasse Tyson Newcastle
New England News
Newspapers New York
Northumberland Norway
Nottingham Nuts
Oak trees Oslo
Paper Parks
Paris PC
Photography Pianos
Pink Floyd Pinot Grigio
Pinot Noir Pinterest
Ponds Prague
Public libraries Public transport
Punk Rock Puns
Punsr QR Codes
Radio 4 Railways
Reading Robin Hood Tax
Rock pools Rolling countryside
Rolling Stones San Francisco
Savannah Saxophones
Scotland Seattle
Sequentiality Sheffield
Shopping Sid Meier’s Civilization
Sir Patrick Moore Snowdonia
Social networking Speculative fiction
Spicy food Spring
Star Trek Steam engines
Stephen Fry Stone
Stranglers Strawberries
Sushi Switzerland
Tea Teddy bears
Television Tim Minchin
Toast Tommy Cooper
Torchwood Toronto
Touchscreens Trams
Travelling Trees
Twitpic Twitter
Typography Vancouver
Venice Victor Borge
Violins Wargaming
Washington DC Water
Wikipedia Wimbledon Championship
Wine Wood
Woodland Word play
WordPress Words
Yoga Yorkshire
Yosemite National Park Zurich



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And a few more favourite quotes


'There is no exception' quote“Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were” ~ Unknown

“I don’t hate people, I just feel better when they aren’t around” ~ Charles Bukowski

“Please don’t follow me on facebook or twitter because I’m not on there” ~ Banksy

“An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind” ~ Mohandas Gandhi

“A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open.” ~ Frank Zappa

“Eat food. Not too much. Mostly chocolate” ~ Debbie Moose

“In many Tory seats you could probably put a blue rosette on a half-eaten scotch egg and get it elected” ~ Joseph Watts

“An economy where advertisers thrive while journalists and artists struggle, reflects the values of a society more interested in deception and manipulation than in truth and beauty” ~ Jaron Lanier

“There is absolutely nothing to be said in favour of growing old. There ought to be leglislation against it” ~ Patrick Moore

“And then everything was in the hands of gravity, which has never had much love for the terminally stupid” ~ Mira Grant

“Le doute n’est pas une condition agréable, mais la certitude est absurde” ~ Voltaire (Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd)

“Most rock journalism is people who can’t write interviewing people who can’t talk for people who can’t read” ~ Groucho Marx

“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem” ~ Woody Allen

“A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about” ~ Miguel De Unamuno

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life” ~ Rita Rudner

“Sometimes you need to sit in the wrong place to see the right view” ~ Craig Stone (The Squirrel That Dreamt Of Madness)

“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me” ~ Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“Objectivity is compromised by our ‘tyranny of expectations’; we see what we wish to see and not what is actually there” ~ Roy Manterfield

“I am for freedom of religion, & against all maneuvres to bring about a legal ascendancy of one sect over another” ~ Thomas Jefferson

“People that talk about living in the real world don’t even enjoy living in the real world” ~ Craig Stone (The Squirrel That Dreamt Of Madness)

“Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world” ~ The Buddha

“Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits” ~ Mark Twain

“I could give up chocolate for Lent, but I don’t know anyone trustworthy enough for the chocolate to be lent to” ~ Roy Manterfield

“One of the great tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion” ~ Arthur C Clarke

“Stencils are good for two reasons; one – they’re quick; two – they annoy idiots” ~ Banksy

“All that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about” ~ Charles Kingsley

“There is no exception to the rule that every rule has an exception” ~ James Thurber

“The problem, often not discovered until late in life, is that when you look for things in life like love, meaning, motivation, it implies they are sitting behind a tree or under a rock. The most successful people in life recognize, that in life they create their own love, they manufacture their own meaning, they generate their own motivation. For me, I am driven by two main philosophies, know more today about the world than I knew yesterday. And lessen the suffering of others. You’d be surprised how far that gets you.” ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson

“Follow the rules whenever possible. That makes it a lot more surprising when you break them” ~ Mira Grant (Deadline)

“We are continually faced with great opportunities which are brilliantly disguised as unsolvable problems” ~ Margaret Mead

“At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual” ~ Patrick Moore

“A martyr’s just a casualty with really good PR” ~ Mira Grant (Deadline)

“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new” ~ Albert Einstein

“Today’s greatest labor-saving device is tomorrow” ~ President Woodrow T. Wilson

“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away” ~ Kahlil Gibran

“As far as I’m concerned, I prefer silent vice to ostentatious virtue” ~ Albert Einstein

“Too old to plant trees for my own gratification, I shall do it for my posterity” ~ Thomas Jefferson

“We hang the petty theives and appoint the great ones to public office” ~ Aesop

“We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give” ~ Winston Churchill

“Politicians are not born, they are excreted” ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero (106BC-43AD)

“Science is not a collection of truths. It is a continuing exploration of mysteries” ~ Freeman Dyson

“Take sides. Neutrality always serves the oppressor and never the oppressed.” ~ Ellie Wiesel

“There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, there must never be a time however when we fail to protest” ~ Elie Wiesel

“There are so many beautiful things in the world which I will have to leave when I die, but I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready.” ~ Maurice Sendak

“There must be more to life than having everything.” ~ Maurice Sendak

“I cry a lot because I miss people. They die and I can’t stop them. They leave me and I love them more.” ~ Maurice Sendak

“Children do live in fantasy and reality; they move back and forth very easily in a way we no longer remember how to do.” ~ Maurice Sendak

“People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them” ~ Dave Barry

“Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.” ~ Bill Vaughan

“I think the easiest people to fool are ourselves. Fooling ourselves may even be a necessary precondition for fooling others.” ~ Iain Banks

“My gratitude extends beyond the limits of my capacity to express it.” ~ Iain M Banks, The Player of Games

“To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true.” ~ H L Mencken

“The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses.” ~ Carl Sagan

“The suppression of uncomfortable ideas may be common in religion and politics, but it is not the path to knowledge.” ~ Carl Sagan

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” ~ Robert Frost

“People, you have six senses! The last one is common! Use it!” ~ Michael Ruhlman

“It never ceased to amaze him how quickly a small child’s face could turn from peach to beetroot.” ~ Iain Banks, The Crow Road

“Empathize with stupidity and you’re halfway to thinking like an idiot.” ~ Iain Banks

“I love the smell of the universe in the morning.” ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson

“It is a small thing, this dear gift of life handed us mysteriously out of immensity.” ~ Ray Bradbury

“Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death” ~ Earl Wilson

“Puns are the highest form of literature.” ~ Alfred Hitchcock

“Non-violence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we stop harming all other living beings, we are still savages.” ~ Thomas Edison

“What you read when you don’t have to determines what you will be when you can’t help it.” ~ Oscar Wilde

“A book is proof that humans are capable of working magic.” ~ Carl Sagan

“Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.” ~ Tom Stoppard

“Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you deal with it is what makes the difference.” ~ Virginia Satir

“Religion too often demands belief in physical absurdities and anachronistic traditions despite all scientific evidence and moral progress” ~ Anonymous

“Remember that happiness is a way of travel – not a destination.” ~ Roy M Goodman

“If everybody thought before they spoke, the silence would be deafening.” ~ George Barzan

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” ~ Thomas Edison

“I prefer drawing to talking. Drawing is faster and leaves less room for lies.” ~ Le Corbusier

“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” ~ William Shakespeare (All’s Well That Ends Well)

“One day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to do the things you’ve always wanted. Do it now.” ~ Paulo Coelho

“When money speaks, the truth keeps silent.” ~ Russian proverb

“I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate” ~ George Burns

“The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things.” ~ Henry Ward Beecher

“You are always responsible for how you act, no matter how you feel.” ~ Robert Tew

“Hatred eats the soul of the hater, not the hated.” ~ Alice Herz Sommer

“Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.” ~ Twyla Tharp

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.” ~ Janis Joplin

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” ~ Albert Einstein



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Humour

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Quotations



Favourite humorous quotes

Favourite humorous quotes“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them” ~ Emo Philips

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it” ~ Groucho Marx

“I bought an anti-bullying wristband when they came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid” ~ Jack Whitehall

“Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability” ~ Bill Bailey

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” ~ George Carlin

“Consciousness: that annoying time between naps” ~ Anonymous

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again” ~ Tim Vine

“Happiness is having a large, loving, close-knit family in another city” ~ George Burns

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else” ~ Lily Tomlin

“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery” ~ Spike Milligan

“Dave drowned. At the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted” ~ Gary Delaney

“Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability” ~ David Brent

“Exercise is a dirty word… Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate” ~ Charles M Schulz

“Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year” ~ Victor Borge

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing” ~ Emo Philips

“I tell you, we are here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different” ~ Kurt Vonnegut

“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know” ~ Groucho Marx

“I do not have OCD. I checked, three or four hundred times, and I definitely don’t have it” ~ David Mitchell

“I don’t like my hands. I always keep them at arm’s length” ~ Tim Vine

“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine” ~ Tommy Cooper

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read” ~ Groucho Marx

“My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the hell she is” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

“He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy!” ~ Brian’s mother, Life of Brian

“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R” ~ Tim Vine

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” ~ Stephen Wright

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes” ~ Jack Handey

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason” ~ Jack Handey

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies” ~ Groucho Marx

“All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed” ~ Sean O’Casey

“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious” ~ Brendan Gill

“She said she was approaching 40, and I couldn’t help wondering from which direction” ~ Bob Hope

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat” ~ Lilly Tomlin

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia” ~ Charles Schulz

“Stand in a library and go aaagghh! and everyone just stares at you. But do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in” ~ Tommy Cooper

“We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet” ~ Rita Rudner

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man” ~ Jack Handey

“I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect” ~ Anonymous

“I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet” ~ Rita Rudner

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things” ~ George Carlin

“Great moments in science: Einstein discovers that time is actually money” ~ Gary Larson

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine” ~ Rita Rudner

“Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway” ~ Anonymous

“But I’m not so think as you drunk I am” ~ Samuel Smiles

“I intend to live forever, or die trying” ~ Groucho Marx

“Cheese – milk’s leap toward immortality.” ~ Clifton Fadiman

“Fortunately ah keep mah feathers numbered for, for just such an emergency.” ~ Foghorn Leghorn

“If you’re depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.” ~ Milton Jones


 

 

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Life observations

A small collection of observations and comments that have made me smile, some are mine, but most are ones I’ve gleaned from Twitter and Facebook:

 

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

I don’t have a solution but I do admire the problem.

Two rules to live by: First, look out for #1. Second, don’t step in #2.

My genetic insanity is very fit and healthy; it runs in the family.

I finally got my head together, but now my body’s falling apart.

I don’t have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder; I’m just multi-tasking.

I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Some mistakes are far too much fun to only make once.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you needed it.

Don’t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

People are jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Make something idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Everybody repeat after me: “We are all individuals”.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I want patience AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

My doctor just told me that I’m colour blind; that was right out of the orange.

Being over the hill is much better than being under it.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.

Don’t marry a tennis player; love means nothing to them.

My inferiority complex isn’t as good as everyone else’s.

Smokers are the same as everyone else; just not as long.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Good health is just the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

Think outside the box; it’s too late once you’re in it.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if you throw it hard enough.

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

 

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Tim Vine One-line Groaners


Tim Vine is an English actor, writer, TV host and hilarious stand-up comedian, his stand-up act mainly consists of quick-fire one-line ‘groaner’ jokes and word play.

He won the funniest joke of the year at the Edinburgh Fringe in 2010. His winning joke was ‘I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.’

Anyway, to the point of this post, here’s a selection of Tim Vine’s famous one-liner gags:


The advantage of easy origami is twofold…

I was in the Army once and the sergeant said to me ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said ‘I give up!’

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!

So I rang up British Telecom and said ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’ He said ‘Not you again’

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one’

I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said ‘Put it back’

I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing; serves him right

Albinos; you can’t say fairer than that

So I said to this train driver ‘I want to go to Paris’ He said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘I’ve been on telly, but I’m no Dean Martin’

Beware of Alphabet Grenades; if you throw them, it could spell disaster

I saw this advert that said ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full’ I thought ‘I can’t turn that down’

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Black beauty; he’s a dark horse

I wanted to be a milkman; but I didn’t have the bottle

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from’

I said to the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said ‘How flexible are you?’ I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’

My mate said to me ‘Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?’ I said ‘Cors-i-can!’

I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags; he’s bisatchel

I went to the local supermarket. I said ‘I want to make a complaint; this vinegar’s got lumps in it’ He said ‘Those are pickled onions’

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything; trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past; it was a bit choppy

I used go out with an anaesthetist; she was a local girl

Did you know that if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it would give birth to a litter of Twiglets?

So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are’

During the war, my grandfather could not stop scribbling; he got hit by a Doodlebug

I’ve got a front door made from sponge; don’t knock it

I’ve played football on a plane, you know… there I was, running up the wing!

I threw some snow at my girlfriend; she didn’t catch my drift

Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They’ve formed The Doors

I went to the icecream shop and said ‘I want to buy an icecream’ He said ‘Hundreds and thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with the one’

When I left home, my mum said ‘Don’t forget to write’ I thought ‘That’s unlikely; it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?’

Velcro… what a ripoff

So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Weggie Kray

I went to the record shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

What do you call a lady with big teeth who sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui

When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up

Exit signs; they’re on the way out aren’t they?

This bloke said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of your trouser leg and put it in a library’ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books’

So I went to the dentist. He said ‘Say Aaah.’ I said ‘Why?’ He said ‘My dog’s died’

The price of hearing aids has gone up? Deaf people across the country are going ‘how much?’

I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you’

I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil; crematoriums

I’m not very good at magic; I can only do half of a trick. Yes, I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’

So I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue’ I said ‘No, just a watch’

I went into a shop and I said ‘Can someone sell me a kettle’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said ‘Where is he?’

I went to a pet shop. I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’

I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels’ He said ‘You’ve got cholera’

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R

I was reading this book today, ‘The History of Glue’ and I couldn’t put it down

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on

My mate asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work?’ I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me’

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said ‘I want you to trace someone for me’

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said ‘No, it’s a permanent job’

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says ‘Audi!’

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said ‘Nearest the bull goes first’ He went ‘Baah’ and I went ‘Moo’ He said ‘You’re closest’

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny; you couldn’t swing a cat in there

I stole things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts

Whenever I’m in Italy I become a rickety old table. I guess I’m just a hopeless Rome antique

After I’ve had an argument I sometimes hold a Hoover over my head. It helps clear the air

The other day I sat on a hairdryer. That put the wind up me

This bloke said to me, he said I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away. I said that’s a bit far-fetched

This reporter said to me, he said how would you describe the absence of Haley’s flaming meteorite? I said no comet

I’m amazed how many people go to Ascot when it’s windy. Still, hats off to them

Me and my brother inherited some furniture from the local zoo. I’m glad to say I got the lion’s chair

I was skiing through Tie Rack and I fell down an 80-foot cravat

So I saw this bloke who was a cross between an ostrich and a serial killer. He was always burying other people’s heads in the sand

The other day I tied my head to a dog’s tail. I just fancied a bit of a chinwag

So I saw this bloke with a 1.2-litre engine halfway down his arm. I said more power to your elbow

I don’t like my hands. I always keep them at arm’s length

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

BNAG – that’s BANG out of order!

I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly

So I said to my Mum I’m going to the funfair. She said Oooooh will you go on the Ghost train? I said No, I’ll walk

So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I’d like to rent Batman Forever. I said No, just for two hours!

I decided to sell my Hoover… well it was just collecting dust.



 

 

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Some (more) favourite quotes

 

Some (more) favourite quotes“Do all that you can, with all that you have, in the time that you have, in the place where you are” ~ Nkosi Johnson (1989-2001)

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans” ~ John Lennon

“Press freedom / some authorities are confused by the two meanings of press” ~ Loesje

“That the only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilised community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others” ~ J S Mill

“Trust provides security / fences don’t” ~ Loesje

“Don’t follow your dreams; chase them” ~ Richard Dumb

“There is nothing constant in this world but inconsistency” ~ Jonathan Swift

“Le doute n’est pas une condition agréable, mais la certitude est absurde” ~ Voltaire

“It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept” ~ Bill Watterson

“Don’t find fault, find a remedy” ~ Henry Ford

“The good thing about science is that it’s true whether or not you believe in it.” ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson

“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world” ~ The Buddha Dhammapada

“The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those that got there first” ~ Steven Tyler

“Ask yourself this question: Will this matter a year from now?” ~ Richard Carlson

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven…” ~ John Milton (Paradise Lost)

“The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth” ~ Gerald Burrill

“Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it” ~ Andre Gide

“Know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything’s different” ~ Bill Watterson

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us” ~ Bill Watterson

“Being brave / Lets no one off the grave / Death is no different whined at than withstood” ~ from Aubade by Philip Larkin

“Life on earth is expensive / but it includes a free trip around the sun” ~ Loesje

“If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed” ~ Mark Twain

“I liked things better when I didn’t understand them” ~ Bill Watterson

“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you are the world” ~ Anonymous

“Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get” ~ Ingrid Bergman

“Pay attention. And keep breathing” ~ Terence McKenna

“Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“Eschew the ordinary, disdain the commonplace” ~ Chuck Jones

“If you have a single minded need for something, let it be the unusual, the esoteric, the bizarre, the unexpected” ~ Chuck Jones

“I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough. Without ever having felt sorry for itself” ~ D H Lawrence

“We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow; Our wiser sons, no doubt, will think us so” ~ Alexander Pope

“It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It’s only necessary to be rich” ~ Alan Alda

“If adventure doesn’t wait on the doorstep / climb out through the window” ~ Loesje

“The best number for a dinner party is two – myself and a damn’ good head waiter” ~ Nubar Gulbenkian

“The truth / which one of the three versions do you want to hear” ~ Loesje

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us” ~ Helen Keller

“Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy” ~ Cynthia Nelms

“An apostrophe is the difference between a business that knows its shit and a business that knows it’s shit.” ~ Sam Tanner

“Life is short, eat dessert first” ~ variously credited to Mark Twain, Ogden Nash, Ernestine Ulmer, Sue Ellen Cooper and Jacques Torres



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