Still more of my previously unpublished Twitter posts:
I’m a Pacifist; it’s my favourite ocean.
I really dislike 144; it’s gross.
Well that’s very disappointing. Apparently, fasting has nothing to do with the speed that you eat.
After all the hype I’ve heard, red tape is surprisingly easy to cut through.
Why would you rest on your laurels? I once had laurels in the garden; they were extremely uncomfortable to rest on.
I’ve had a parcel delivered. Although I never did find out how the liver got into the parcel.
Can you spot a pointillist painting without going dotty? I don’t see the point.
Vive la différence, as the Dutch say. When they’re speaking French.
I cut my finger today, but on the other hand I’m fine.
I’m amazed at how much procrastinating I managed to fit in today.
I repaired a hole in my sock, but it was sew sew boring.
I’ve been thinking outside of the box and decided on cremation.
My hairdresser gave me a Roman cut; she used a pair of Caesars.
Birds must be infuriated when they get vertigo.
I’m writing salad puns; if anyone knows a good one please lettuce know.
There’s a fine line between
And I’ve no idea where it is :^)
I’d like to give you some sage advice. It goes well with parsley, rosemary and thyme.
Snakes are measured in inches as there are no feet.
Has anyone else tried fly-tipping? As soon as I attempt it they fly off.
On the one hand the weather is wet for June, but on the other hand I have a broken nail.
I spoke to a grassroots campaigner today, but they refused to look at my lawn.
Watched the test match today. It lit first time.
Apparently a Japanese zoo has an elephant seal. That must take one hell of a lot of cling film.
Soya milk. Didn’t see mine though; has anyone else seen it?
Attempting to sketch with French chalk, but I’m drawing a blanc.
I may be going out on a limb here, but I’m hopping around on one leg.
I’m wondering if I could scrape a living as an archaeologist. Perhaps I’ll dig out my CV.
Hummingbirds should attend to their personal hygiene.
Saw a spoonbill today. That’s the last time I buy cutlery in a hurry.
Look where you’re going! That was just a heads up.
I’ve split my feather quilt and now I’m feeling down.
My nail and hammer mishap stands out like a sore thumb.
Visited the local health centre to show my support today. No one was willing to have a look at it.
I’ve taken another re-sit. It was a huge improvement; I didn’t fall off this time.
Pricked myself on a needle again. I just don’t see the point.
Our dentist is conflicted; he’s cheerful, but he always looks down in the mouth.
I wouldn’t visit a denture shop; I don’t like to pick my teeth in public.
I visited an owl sanctuary recently, but the owls didn’t give two hoots.
I drove past one of those average speed cameras yesterday, but I thought it looked pretty good.
Where can I borrow a dictionary? I only need it for a short spell.
As house spiders are getting bigger, I’ve adjusted the burglar alarm so they don’t trigger it. I wondered where all the flies had gone…
Aww, a little bird just told me to cheer up. Oh, I misheard; it said chirp.
Did a little bowling practice this morning. I now regret not finishing the cereal first.
On my bucket list I have an iron pail, three household buckets and a small plastic beach bucket for making sand castles.
I’ve had a protracted conversation with a neighbour, but dropped the protractor. Now it’s scratched.
Can anyone recommend a local artisan natural GM free organic vegan craft pop-up pantry zero carbon footprint kitchen micro café?
I’m thinking of setting up a family tracing service, but I can’t find a large enough sheet of translucent paper.
I spent all last night running around the bed, but I still didn’t catch up on my sleep.
It’s always good to have a fresh pair of eyes. Slightly disappointed they weren’t from the same donor though.
The Queen doesn’t appear to do much when she launches a ship, surely someone in her position should really push the boat out.
When William the Conqueror visited Nottingham Castle, he had pizza delivered and told them to change the keep.
I’ve been short-changed at a yard sale; I only got 35 inches.
A problem shared is a problem halved. Regrettably I’ve so far failed to apply that to utility bills.
Vicious mathematicians shouldn’t work in dreadful pubs; vile inns never solved anything.
I just found some raw toast.
I went to Muffin Break today, but they only do replacement muffins, not repairs.
If I tweet about bacteria, will you all help it to go viral?
I have a spring in my step today. Also a tiny cogwheel and a brass screw from an old clock.
Should I complain about this pressure cooker not working properly, or should I just keep a lid on it?
If you’re into bondage, it’s vital to have a partner you can truss completely.
If I hadn’t had fillet mignon last night, it would have been a missed steak.
Just saw a shepherd handing out hard boiled sweet mints for Christmas. Baa humbug.
I’ve been getting contractions all morning; it started with isn’t, then can’t and now I’ve just had a couple of don’ts.
If you can’t decide whether to buy a telepathic abacus as a Christmas gift, just remember it’s the thought that counts.
There are holes in our chest of drawers; I suspect they’ve been rifled.
Our dining room lights are too bright for eating Chinese takeaway meals; we have to dim sum.
I don’t know why I’ve been called supernumerary; maths has never been my strong point.
I’m concerned about this kebab; I suspect it may be from ancient grease.
Just had a watershed moment. The shed roof is leaking.
If you make allegations about crocodile tears, does that make you the alligator?
The Met Office are issuing a yellow warning for snow in some areas; whatever you do, AVOID THE YELLOW SNOW!
Spent a lot of time sole searching today. Eventually managed to prise the stone out.
Not impressed with this new ‘Soothing Apricot Toner’. The apricot I tested it on is neither soothed nor toned, and it tastes revolting.
I once tripped and fell on a cricket pitch in freshly ironed trousers; I ruined the crease.
I just discovered a greenhouse that’s only a stone’s throw away…
I’ve taken this barometer into four pubs so far; I think it’s broken.
I’m not a gossip; I just have a great sense of rumour.
On my last hospital visit I signed a doctor’s organ donation form, now there’s a man after my own heart.
I’m feeling a little left behind today. Later on I shall also feel my right side.
I have quite a large fan base. Although to be fair, the fan is still unstable and liable to fall over.
I need to buy a bigger scarf; my old one is too tight.
Finding accommodation for a flock of chickens was a big coup for me.
I’m feeling marginalised. I’m on page one, just to the left of the first paragraph.
They pulled the wool over my eyes once too often; I’ve exchanged the item for cotton.
This is a pretty kettle of fish, although the pot of toads is slightly unpleasant.
Don’t worry about parallel lines and vanishing points. It’s all a matter of perspective.
I couldn’t find a nutcracker, so I used a sledgehammer.
Don’t breed guppies. We have much bigger fish to fry.
I felt like I should be dusting or vacuuming. So I’m having a coffee until the feeling passes.
I take homeopathy with a pinch of salt. Of course the pinch of salt is so diluted that my descendants will be drinking it for generations.
Possession is nine-tenths of the law, but only if you exorcise regularly.
After pouring oil on troubled waters, I’m now pouring coffee through an anxious filter.
Do you want to increase your #SocialMedia presence?
Fluorescent paint will make a huge difference to your visibility.
I’m very concerned about an old well in our back garden; it’s not a tall well.
I had to give up being narcissistic when I realised I couldn’t spell it.
I couldn’t work in a cemetery; there are too many dead lines.
When the first speaker took the floor I was left balancing precariously on a joist.
In chemistry labs on casual Fridays, formaldehyde turns into spontaneousdehyde.
I’ve been setting the record straight today. The needle skips tracks if the record isn’t straight.
I’ve been finding my feet today.
Oh look, there they are again!
I’ve never been backward at coming forward in awkward parking spaces.
Just heard someone say their supply of ice is running dry. Our ice only ever runs wet.
I used to have a life outside of social media, but I forgot the password to it.
“Everybody you ever met in your life was brought to you for a reason.” Last night it was pizza.
Had a brush with the law yesterday; I found a box of toupees and now the police are combing the area.
I now realise that I will never be old enough to be grown up.
I was in a pretty pickle today. Well, I say pretty, gherkins are more attractive than actually pretty.
I’m up to my neck in it today, but then I’ve never gone without a shirt even when it’s hot…
What a fantastic start to the day; I went into another room and actually remembered why…
Belts are waisted on me.
Delighted to know that oily fish is good for you, because these reformed economy fish fingers soaked in melted lard really hit the spot.
I’ve been itching to study flea bites, but I don’t want to start from scratch.
I could eat French honey with every miel.
I’m ticked off with checklists that won’t let you work outside the box.
I’ve been shopping for a pair of pear paring knives, but only found one.
I was balancing the books today, until Jane Austen’s ‘Pride and Prejudice’ toppled the whole pile.
I’ll never get rid of these gnat bites; I think I’ll have to start from scratch.
I paused to listen mindfully to the gentle sounds that surround me today. Turns out to have been chewing gum on my shoe.
I was approached by a whistle blower today. I confiscated it.
Focus on the positives and forget the negatives, but not if you’re still using a film camera.
I don’t regret the demise of wired phones, except now I can’t slam the receiver down on the 95% of calls that are spam.
If you take a ballet degree, are you guaranteed to graduate with at least a tutu?
I’m not convinced those cardboard policemen are cut out for the job.
Fabrics are conspicuous at the Olympics; must be all the curtain raising and blanket coverage.
I attached some guitar strings to the cat once; turned it into a strumpet
Our cat doesn’t like lemon; what a sourpuss.
Best foot forward. However, involve your worst foot too, or you won’t get very far.
I’m ecstatic, which is a relief; the static was quite painful.
I’ve reported my triangular luggage as stolen; the Police tell me that it’s a case without parallel.
I’m on a roll. It’s cheese and tomato, but I don’t know who put it on the chair.
Visited an origami display that went terribly wrong; the whole thing unfolded right in front of us.
I’ve always been edgy, but as I get older, and rounder, my edges no longer appear to have an edge to them…
Nothing goes to waste, it all goes to waist.
Thinking outside of the box didn’t really help Schrödinger’s cat.
Surfers Against Sewage is a campaign against the blight of plastic pollution in our oceans. Also, their title works on more than one level…
Some strange times are afoot, well, 30 centimetres.
I can’t remember the name of my homing pigeon, but I’m sure it will come back to me.
Digging up grape plants felt de-vine.
People travelling to Australia from Britain are having their world turned upside down.
I’m a man of letters. Sorry, that should have said lettuce. It’s a lad thing, I mean a salad thing.
I went the extra mile today. Got off the bus at the wrong stop…
I tried 3D printing some Dutch footwear, but it clogged up the printer.
And now for some brilliant word-play for telepaths.
Lying through your teeth is still an option with dentures, as long as you keep them in.
I’ve had my milk chocolate sailing boat converted to dark chocolate; it’s all plain sailing now.