Still More MumblingNerd Stuff

 

Still more of my previously unpublished Twitter posts:

 

I’m a Pacifist; it’s my favourite ocean.

I really dislike 144; it’s gross.

Well that’s very disappointing. Apparently, fasting has nothing to do with the speed that you eat.

After all the hype I’ve heard, red tape is surprisingly easy to cut through.

Why would you rest on your laurels? I once had laurels in the garden; they were extremely uncomfortable to rest on.

I’ve had a parcel delivered. Although I never did find out how the liver got into the parcel.

Can you spot a pointillist painting without going dotty? I don’t see the point.

Vive la différence, as the Dutch say. When they’re speaking French.

I cut my finger today, but on the other hand I’m fine.

I’m amazed at how much procrastinating I managed to fit in today.

I repaired a hole in my sock, but it was sew sew boring.

I’ve been thinking outside of the box and decided on cremation.

My hairdresser gave me a Roman cut; she used a pair of Caesars.

Birds must be infuriated when they get vertigo.

I’m writing salad puns; if anyone knows a good one please lettuce know.

There’s a fine line between
silliness
____________

and humour

And I’ve no idea where it is :^)

I’d like to give you some sage advice. It goes well with parsley, rosemary and thyme.

Snakes are measured in inches as there are no feet.

Has anyone else tried fly-tipping? As soon as I attempt it they fly off.

On the one hand the weather is wet for June, but on the other hand I have a broken nail.

I spoke to a grassroots campaigner today, but they refused to look at my lawn.

Watched the test match today. It lit first time.

Apparently a Japanese zoo has an elephant seal. That must take one hell of a lot of cling film.

Soya milk. Didn’t see mine though; has anyone else seen it?

Attempting to sketch with French chalk, but I’m drawing a blanc.

I may be going out on a limb here, but I’m hopping around on one leg.

I’m wondering if I could scrape a living as an archaeologist. Perhaps I’ll dig out my CV.

Hummingbirds should attend to their personal hygiene.

Saw a spoonbill today. That’s the last time I buy cutlery in a hurry.

Look where you’re going! That was just a heads up.

I’ve split my feather quilt and now I’m feeling down.

My nail and hammer mishap stands out like a sore thumb.

Visited the local health centre to show my support today. No one was willing to have a look at it.

I’ve taken another re-sit. It was a huge improvement; I didn’t fall off this time.

Pricked myself on a needle again. I just don’t see the point.

Our dentist is conflicted; he’s cheerful, but he always looks down in the mouth.

I wouldn’t visit a denture shop; I don’t like to pick my teeth in public.

I visited an owl sanctuary recently, but the owls didn’t give two hoots.

I drove past one of those average speed cameras yesterday, but I thought it looked pretty good.

Where can I borrow a dictionary? I only need it for a short spell.

As house spiders are getting bigger, I’ve adjusted the burglar alarm so they don’t trigger it. I wondered where all the flies had gone…

Aww, a little bird just told me to cheer up. Oh, I misheard; it said chirp.

Did a little bowling practice this morning. I now regret not finishing the cereal first.

On my bucket list I have an iron pail, three household buckets and a small plastic beach bucket for making sand castles.

I’ve had a protracted conversation with a neighbour, but dropped the protractor. Now it’s scratched.

Can anyone recommend a local artisan natural GM free organic vegan craft pop-up pantry zero carbon footprint kitchen micro café?

I’m thinking of setting up a family tracing service, but I can’t find a large enough sheet of translucent paper.

I spent all last night running around the bed, but I still didn’t catch up on my sleep.

It’s always good to have a fresh pair of eyes. Slightly disappointed they weren’t from the same donor though.

The Queen doesn’t appear to do much when she launches a ship, surely someone in her position should really push the boat out.

When William the Conqueror visited Nottingham Castle, he had pizza delivered and told them to change the keep.

I’ve been short-changed at a yard sale; I only got 35 inches.

A problem shared is a problem halved. Regrettably I’ve so far failed to apply that to utility bills.

Vicious mathematicians shouldn’t work in dreadful pubs; vile inns never solved anything.

I just found some raw toast.

I went to Muffin Break today, but they only do replacement muffins, not repairs.

If I tweet about bacteria, will you all help it to go viral?

I have a spring in my step today. Also a tiny cogwheel and a brass screw from an old clock.

Should I complain about this pressure cooker not working properly, or should I just keep a lid on it?

If you’re into bondage, it’s vital to have a partner you can truss completely.

If I hadn’t had fillet mignon last night, it would have been a missed steak.

Just saw a shepherd handing out hard boiled sweet mints for Christmas. Baa humbug.

I’ve been getting contractions all morning; it started with isn’t, then can’t and now I’ve just had a couple of don’ts.

If you can’t decide whether to buy a telepathic abacus as a Christmas gift, just remember it’s the thought that counts.

There are holes in our chest of drawers; I suspect they’ve been rifled.

Our dining room lights are too bright for eating Chinese takeaway meals; we have to dim sum.

I don’t know why I’ve been called supernumerary; maths has never been my strong point.

I’m concerned about this kebab; I suspect it may be from ancient grease.

Just had a watershed moment. The shed roof is leaking.

If you make allegations about crocodile tears, does that make you the alligator?

The Met Office are issuing a yellow warning for snow in some areas; whatever you do, AVOID THE YELLOW SNOW!

Spent a lot of time sole searching today. Eventually managed to prise the stone out.

Not impressed with this new ‘Soothing Apricot Toner’. The apricot I tested it on is neither soothed nor toned, and it tastes revolting.

I once tripped and fell on a cricket pitch in freshly ironed trousers; I ruined the crease.

I just discovered a greenhouse that’s only a stone’s throw away…

I’ve taken this barometer into four pubs so far; I think it’s broken.

I’m not a gossip; I just have a great sense of rumour.

On my last hospital visit I signed a doctor’s organ donation form, now there’s a man after my own heart.

I’m feeling a little left behind today. Later on I shall also feel my right side.

I have quite a large fan base. Although to be fair, the fan is still unstable and liable to fall over.

I need to buy a bigger scarf; my old one is too tight.

Finding accommodation for a flock of chickens was a big coup for me.

I’m feeling marginalised. I’m on page one, just to the left of the first paragraph.

They pulled the wool over my eyes once too often; I’ve exchanged the item for cotton.

This is a pretty kettle of fish, although the pot of toads is slightly unpleasant.

Don’t worry about parallel lines and vanishing points. It’s all a matter of perspective.

I couldn’t find a nutcracker, so I used a sledgehammer.

Don’t breed guppies. We have much bigger fish to fry.

I felt like I should be dusting or vacuuming. So I’m having a coffee until the feeling passes.

I take homeopathy with a pinch of salt. Of course the pinch of salt is so diluted that my descendants will be drinking it for generations.

Possession is nine-tenths of the law, but only if you exorcise regularly.

After pouring oil on troubled waters, I’m now pouring coffee through an anxious filter.

Do you want to increase your #SocialMedia presence?
Fluorescent paint will make a huge difference to your visibility.

I’m very concerned about an old well in our back garden; it’s not a tall well.

I had to give up being narcissistic when I realised I couldn’t spell it.

I couldn’t work in a cemetery; there are too many dead lines.

When the first speaker took the floor I was left balancing precariously on a joist.

In chemistry labs on casual Fridays, formaldehyde turns into spontaneousdehyde.

I’ve been setting the record straight today. The needle skips tracks if the record isn’t straight.

I’ve been finding my feet today.
Oh look, there they are again!

I’ve never been backward at coming forward in awkward parking spaces.

Just heard someone say their supply of ice is running dry. Our ice only ever runs wet.

I used to have a life outside of social media, but I forgot the password to it.

“Everybody you ever met in your life was brought to you for a reason.” Last night it was pizza.

Had a brush with the law yesterday; I found a box of toupees and now the police are combing the area.

I now realise that I will never be old enough to be grown up.

I was in a pretty pickle today. Well, I say pretty, gherkins are more attractive than actually pretty.

I’m up to my neck in it today, but then I’ve never gone without a shirt even when it’s hot…

What a fantastic start to the day; I went into another room and actually remembered why…

Belts are waisted on me.

Delighted to know that oily fish is good for you, because these reformed economy fish fingers soaked in melted lard really hit the spot.

I’ve been itching to study flea bites, but I don’t want to start from scratch.

I could eat French honey with every miel.

I’m ticked off with checklists that won’t let you work outside the box.

I’ve been shopping for a pair of pear paring knives, but only found one.

I was balancing the books today, until Jane Austen’s ‘Pride and Prejudice’ toppled the whole pile.

I’ll never get rid of these gnat bites; I think I’ll have to start from scratch.

I paused to listen mindfully to the gentle sounds that surround me today. Turns out to have been chewing gum on my shoe.

I was approached by a whistle blower today. I confiscated it.

Focus on the positives and forget the negatives, but not if you’re still using a film camera.

I don’t regret the demise of wired phones, except now I can’t slam the receiver down on the 95% of calls that are spam.

If you take a ballet degree, are you guaranteed to graduate with at least a tutu?

I’m not convinced those cardboard policemen are cut out for the job.

Fabrics are conspicuous at the Olympics; must be all the curtain raising and blanket coverage.

I’ve had my milk chocolate sailing boat converted to dark chocolate; it’s all plain sailing now.

 
 

 

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Yet More MumblingNerd Stuff

 

Yet more of my previously unpublished Twitter posts and daft comments:

Grim ReaperStaring at the back of a monitor is pointless; always look on the bright side.

I used to live next to a very quiet tennis equipment manufacturer, I was lucky; normally they made a racket.

Finding out how to preserve pork with salt has really saved my bacon.

It’s not middle age spread; it’s just that my genes don’t fit properly.

I used to enjoy working in a mattress factory, except at spring time.

My shoe came off and I dropped a fondant fancy; now I’m footloose and fancy free.

Take life one day at a time, but always take chocolates two at a time.

I had a flat in the hilly part of Nottingham, before that I had a flat in the flat part, now I’m in the hilly part, but I don’t have a flat.

Has anyone found out what Larry is so happy about?

I don’t adhere to the belief that super glue is a bonding experience; there’s no resin for it, so it’s a complete paste of time.

According to the UK weather map this morning; people on the west coast of Wales will need a Cardigan.

Never mind the horse meat saga; rumour has it that moussaka contains no mouse and ratatouille is rodent free.

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth; but my parents never received an apology from the hospital.

A friend kindly passed me their salt cellar without turning around; but it may have been a backhanded condiment.

I’m itching to visit a Flea Market.

Lunchtime, and I’ve just found out that my horseradish sauce has beef in it.

I’m so angry someone put soap in my drink I’m foaming at the mouth.

Fit as a fiddle, viable as a violin, chilled as a cello and deep as a double bass, but there are strings attached.

I might have eaten something that’s past its best; I just have this gut feeling.

I’m a DAB hand at tuning my radio in.

Prince Charles is constantly referred to as heir apparent, but surely his hairline is no one else’s business?

I remember important dates, such as 1066, but the rest are history.

A friend who empties cesspits with a truck was involved in a road accident, he wasn’t injured, but he had a terrible freight.

I invested in a paper aeroplane company, but it folded.

I also foolishly invested in a failing graffiti business; I hadn’t seen the writing on the wall.

A mystic set up a divinatory card reading business for cattle and it failed miserably; it was a Tarot bull way to go.

TV news showed radioactive bullocks resting in the sun near the Fukushima nuclear plant; is this an example of glow bull warming?

I tried to set up a unique Déjà Vu Travel Company, but the focus group said they had seen it all before.

I have such a large vinyl record collection that I’ve barely scratched the surface.

140 characters are perfect; if Twitter had 144 that would be gross.

When a race takes place in Finland, what is the Finish line called?

The Grim Reaper’s hairstylist has just had a brush with death.

I tried cooking something from the ‘Titanic Cookbook’; it was a recipe for disaster, but it did go down well.

Soaking for too long in the bath really creases me up.

My physiotherapist says I’m getting taller, but I think he’s just pulling my leg.

Why do we spend the first few years teaching children to walk and talk, and the next decade telling them to sit down and shut up?

Sheep rustling? What would make sheep rustle; tin foil, taffeta, newspaper, gift wrap?

Just bought a large block of cheddar; some grate times ahead.

Atoms are made up of small subatomic particles called protons, neutrons, electrons and morons #MyAtomsHaveExtraMorons

I’ve been on the edge of my seat all evening. I should move the cat really, but he looks so comfortable.

I have a tortuous joke about marathons, but it won’t fit on Twitter; it’s a long running gag.

A cattle farmer has had to withdraw from a marathon due to a calf injury.

I’m thinking of setting up a business selling sesame seeds; it might open a few doors.

I’ve been trying on very expensive pullovers, but at these prices I think I’m having the wool pulled over my eyes.

Following floods, headlines often announce problems with ‘raw sewage’, but what if it was properly cooked?

If Cinderella’s shoe was a perfect fit, why did it fall off in the first place?

Apparently you can use matchsticks to help you stay awake; that’s a real eye-opener.

You know that slightly desperate feeling you get when you have to look at the second page of Google answers…

Please Note ► People making Schrödinger’s cat jokes today will be regarded as ‘Wanted, Dead or Alive’ by the Joke Regulator.

If you had a blind date with an optician, would you make a spectacle of yourself?

I think I’ve lost an electron; you’ve really got to keep an ion them.

How do headphones tie themselves in knots when you’re not looking?

When I kicked the bucket my toe hurt so much I could have died.

I’m so Hungary Iran to the fridge to Czech for Turkey, but Norway I could eat it with all that Greece. Now I’m Russian out for a Danish.

A scheme has been launched to find out what makes a good timepiece, so far the search has gone like clockwork.

13 out of 12 people don’t know what a baker’s dozen is.

A message keeps displaying on our TV; ‘No Signal’, but we use Colgate anyway.

I have class written all over me; fortunately it wasn’t a permanent ink marker.

Sales of adult diapers have decreased on islands and increased in continents.

Phone reception was terrible in Yorkshire; although one day next to a field of sheep I did get up to three baas.

I watched Walt Disney being interviewed once; he was very animated.

I love dictionaries; they add meaning to everything.

How do cutlery manufacturers manage when they can only get forklift trucks?

WARNING: If someone sends you a link to the new Justin Bieber single, DON’T CLICK ON IT! It’s a link to the new Justin Bieber single.

Couch potato? Sounds delicious; does anyone have a recipe? I’d look for one, but I’m reclining in front of the TV.

It’s late and I just put the cat out. I’ve still no idea how he caught fire.

L M N ► Tree ► May ► Deer ► What’s On

‘Sink your iPhone’ is an expensive typo.

I entered a jazz hands competition and won hands down.

I played cricket last week and lost. I’d no idea they could jump that high.

I stopped at a fork in the road, but quickly moved on; what I really needed was a spoon.

Whenever I attend a word play seminar I have a punini for lunch.

If my salary was paid in sodium chloride, I’d salt it away in the cellar.

I tried following my dreams, but I fell off the bed.

I intended to start the day with a clean slate, but when it came down to it I opted for traditional crockery.

I’ve upgraded my old analogue digits to digital digits. My wedding ring doesn’t fit as well though.

I was in a field of spring flowers today singing “Daisy, Daisy / Give me your answer, do.” No reply.

I can’t find my mouse pointer. Mind you, I’ve only conducted a cursory search.

 

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Punicious Punography


Punicious PunographyI used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; it’s impossible to put down.

I’m glad I know sign language; it comes in handy.

If towels could tell jokes, they would probably have a dry sense of humour.

Police were called to a nursery where a three year old was resisting a rest.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

A man had his left arm and leg amputated; he’s all right now.

I wondered why the football was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

If you asked a plastic surgeon to make you look like a pelican, would you get a massive bill?

When ancient wall sculptors finished their work, it was a relief.

Someone left a piece of Plasticine in my house. I didn’t know what to make of it.

As one frog croaked to the other; “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”

Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas because he felt his presents.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.

Just watched a religious order playing stringed instruments; there’s too much sects and violins on TV these days.

I nearly lost my frog puppet recently; it tried to Kermit suicide.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

I saw a kidnapping today, but decided not to wake him up.

I’ve spilt glue all over my autobiography. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I’ve just eaten a very hard biscuit; that was one tough cookie.

There are a few grave diggers wandering around the local graveyard; I think they’ve lost the plot.

I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.

Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Palaeontologists thought they’d found new evidence of a missing link, but it was just another fossil arm.

There’s a terrible smell in the local Apple store; it’s a shame they don’t have Windows.

I use my iPhone when I can’t get to sleep; I have a nap for it.

I found out why our refuse collectors are so miserable; they’ve been down in the dumps.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office DVD is in big trouble; you have my Word.

A woman said she’d recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

What do you call someone with neither a body nor a nose? Nobody nose.

I heard a song about a tortilla today; actually it was more of a wrap.

I decided not to return to my drumming lessons for fear of the repercussions.

I heard that OXYGEN and MAGNESIUM were going out and I was like O Mg!

If the devil ever loses his hair there will be hell toupée.

If anyone knows a really good fish pun, let minnow.

When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

Ban singing in football stadiums? No chants.

I’m reading an excellent book about where people keep their cutlery; it’s top drawer.

I like to sing songs without choruses, but usually I refrain.

Would you like to know my secret to being a successful mime artist? I’m saying nothing.

My wife asked me to mend the plug on her fan; I simply refused.

Why do you never hear a pterodactyl use a toilet? Because the P is silent.

I haven’t done the hokey cokey in years. As you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

I just read an advert for a job inspecting mirrors; I could really see myself doing that.

I have an irrational fear of speed bumps; but I’m slowly getting over it.

People who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

Picasso once had a job as a stadium illustrator; he always drew a big crowd.

I worked in a paperless office once; everyone avoided the toilets.

The invention of the pickaxe was ground breaking.

I had to fire a masseuse today; she was rubbing people up the wrong way.

Apparently, the Sydney Opera House is off quay.

I have a very successful business building yachts in the attic; sails are going through the roof.

I often get a lift from an old school friend who always drives in reverse gear; we do go back a long way.

People keep telling me I’m too sceptical, but I don’t believe them.

I found some great puns at the drapers while I was looking for new material.

This book of incantations is useless; the author didn’t use a spell checker.

I’ve ordered a reversible jacket; I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

I used to enjoy archery, but it has its drawbacks.

Will glass coffins prove popular? Remains to be seen.

If you were sent down for a few years, it could be used to stuff quilts.

I know a professor who had his appendix removed, but he still has a full set of footnotes and an extensive bibliography.

Parachute For Sale: only used once, never opened, small stain.

I don’t like my tennis coach’s serve, so I keep returning it.

I swallowed some food colouring by accident and now I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I used to hate maths but then I realised decimals have a point.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

Last year I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet.

My therapist has suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

On maps of Florida the key is always at the bottom.

I wonder which bright spark invented fire?

I’ve started a joke courier business; I can’t take anything seriously.

My daughter said I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

I was almost crushed recently by a pile of books, but I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

I’ve just been on iTunes trying to sync ‘The Titanic’.

Dry erase boards are remarkable.

A man walks into a betting shop and asks “Can I back a horse in here?” The bookmaker nods, so the man shouts “Okay Jim, back her in!”

What’s the bear minimum? One bear.

I went to a duck fancying club once. It was pretty fowl.

I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.


 

 

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Shopping jokes

Shopping jokesI bought some new electric garden trimmers; they’re cutting-hedge technology.

‘VENI, VEDI, VISA’: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

I thought I’d visit some different stores, but when you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.

I think the local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew its seams.

Never get behind the Devil in a Post Office queue, for the Devil has many forms.

I’m going to a local shop for the first time; I’ve no idea what’s in store.

A ladder has been stolen from a hardware store; the manager says that further steps will be taken.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers today, but I couldn’t find any.

Plastic surgery is very expensive; amputations cost an arm and a leg.

Why can’t fishmongers be more generous? Because their business makes them sell fish.

I went to the music shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said: ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

A shopkeeper just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might be a heroine dealer.

I went to the hardware store to buy a curtain rod and the manager asked me how long I’d want it; so I told him I’d like to keep it.

Our baker has a sense of humour; he bakes wry bread.

I’ve bought one of those memory foam cushions, but I can’t remember where I put it.

The bicycle shop owner broke his ankle and was unable to peddle his wares.

At the grocery store a dangerous new strain of bacteria has been found in packs of soft butter; and it spreads easily.

I know I’ve bought lots of Velcro cable grips, but I can’t find any now. I must be losing my grip.

A pub started brewing in-house because they loved draught beer, but in the end, they bottled it.

I saw a huge new funeral parlour opening today; it was quite an undertaking.

Our butcher sells sausages online; but the link’s broken.

Our butcher backed into his meat slicer; now he’s got a little behind in his work.

Our butcher had to sell all his rabbits and pheasants, because he didn’t want to give the game away.

I bought eight legs of venison from our butcher for £40; is that two deer?

I asked our butcher if he had a capon, but he said; “No, who do you think I am, Batman?”

I bought some Toulouse sausages today, now I can’t find them; they must have been too easy Toulouse.

I only asked for a leg of lamb from the butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.

Horse meat was once sold in a lot of British butcher shops, but they were flogging a dead horse.

In the café today I tried to grab something to drink my milkshake with, but I was just clutching at straws.

A car showroom used to smuggle cars into the country, until they were convicted of trafficking.

I bought my wife a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle; I don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.

I’ve ordered some German food over the internet; the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

I recently bought some very expensive perfume as a gift; I’ve no common scents.

Stationery traffic has been blamed on the huge number of vehicles delivering envelopes & writing paper.

“Do you sell hot water bottles?” ~ “I’m afraid not; have you tried Boots?” ~ “Yes, but the water comes out of the lace holes”

I managed to buy twelve rare collectable postcards for only 10 US cents, but then found out they were a dime a dozen.

I decided against a takeaway, because the shop owner had a chip on his shoulder.

I drove to the supermarket with a tiny carrot; I was in such a hurry I had to take the shortest root.

Milliners are very irritable; they can get angry at the drop of a hat.


 

 

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How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb?

A small collection of ‘light bulb’ jokes; prompted by the glowing and vibrant Bright Ideas Nottingham.


How many men does it take to change a light bulb?How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? There’s no such thing as aliens… anyway they’re too short and only use glowballs.

How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the entire collective will be thinking about it.

How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s not rocket science.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’ll need at least three light bulbs.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one; they don’t like to share the spotlight.

How many librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but I can look it up for you.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? It depends on what you want them to change it into.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.

How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the new bulb probably won’t work either.

How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb might start working again.

How many historians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know; that’s not my period.

How many public relations staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re supposed to keep you in the dark.

How many voyeurs does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’d much rather watch someone else do it.

How many haters does it take to change a light bulb? None; they fear change, even if it can make the world a brighter place.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many IT tech staff does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and on again?

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? Cats don’t change light bulbs; they have servants for that.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb will change itself when it’s ready.

How many council staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; the work’s been outsourced.

How many censors does it take to change a light bulb? ███; one to ████, another to ███ while █ ███ ██ with ███.

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Four; one to change the bulb and three to brag about how big it is.

How many Thought Police does it take to change a light bulb? None; there ‘never was’ a light bulb…

How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? None; you’ll never get their attention.

How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s a hardware problem.

How many tech-support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring…

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and another to change it back again.

How many government ministers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they sack someone else for letting it go out.

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to carry out a risk assessment.

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb? Three; one to change it and two to argue about its age.

How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb? Sorry, we closed a few seconds ago.

How many proof readers does it take to light a change blub? Sorry, I didn’t sea that won.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Two; the new one and the old one.

How many advertising executives does it take to change a light bulb? None; dark is a brand new feature of the bulb.

How many chickens does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to cross the road.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? No chance, but the cat wants to know when the light will be repaired, when its food will served up and when a proper massage will begin?

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb? One; plus or minus three (small sample size).

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? None ‘o yo’ damn business!!

How many Mensa members does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb isn’t bright enough.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the bulb and one not to change it.

How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb? None; Klingons aren’t afraid of the dark.

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000.

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? Irrelevant; you will be assimilated and change it for us.

How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the light bulb and one to hold the penis, mother, I mean LADDER!

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don’t ask me how they got in there!

How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? “I can’t tell whether you mean ‘change’ a light bulb or ‘have sex’ in a light bulb. Can we reword it to remove the ambiguity?”

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to rotate it and one to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? One, no two, no four, no eight, no…

How many Catholic Priests / C of E Vicars / Orthodox Rabbis (delete as applicable) does it take to change light bulb? “Change? Change??!”

How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two; one to change it and one to protest that it should be ‘light bulb’.

How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re not interested in that short wave stuff.

How many Bob Dylan fans does it take to change a light bulb? The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.


 

 

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Even shorter jokes

Time flies like an arrowBroken pencils are pointless.

I read magazines periodically.

Clones are people two.

Geese grow up and grow down at the same time.

The writing is on the wall for graffiti.

River valleys are gorgeous.

I’m itching to visit a Flea Market.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Drilling holes for water is well boring.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

After M and T my diary says WTF.

Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8th

Queen bees often come out in hives.

I’ve sold my homing pigeon eight times on eBay.

Sparkling water is still water.

Spoonerists are teople poo.

There are many misconceptions about pregnancy.

Whales are weighed at a whale weigh station.

William Tell’s son was the apple of his eye.

People say love is blind, but I can’t see it myself.

Being castrated is a eunuch experience.

Amputations cost an arm and a leg.

Bee stings are in the hand of the bee holder.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Do hotel managers get board with their jobs?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Root canal work is deeply unnerving.

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

Why was the broom late? It overswept.

Which cheese is made backwards? Edam.

How do you get Holy Water? Boil the hell out of it.

Milliners get angry at the drop of a hat.

Noah kept bees in the ark hives.

My bucket isn’t very well; it’s a little pail.

Polite children take after their parents.

Pouring from teapots is a strain.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

Fatigues are tired uniforms.

I have a yen to visit Tokyo.

Consciousness; that annoying time between naps.

Subservient fish know their plaice.

What’s green and runs around the garden? A hedge.

Genetic scientists wear eau de clone.

When chemists die, they barium.

Electrons have mass, therefore they are Catholic.

What’s red and invisible? No tomatoes.

I’ve found a hole in my sock; darn it!

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

My ventriloquist’s dummy is already spoken for.

Aesop was famous for his foibles.

Walking on hot coals is no mean feet.

Apparently the Dalai Lama is not actually a Llama.

If you sit on a pumpkin, does it become a squash?

If a clock’s hungry it goes back four seconds.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Hermaphroditism is an end in itself.

Business is looking up for astronomers.

French philosophers vie for the meaning of life.

The French version of ‘Cats’ is a chat show.

I’m so thirsty I could drink Canada Dry.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

I’m a big fan of wind turbines.

What’s another word for thesaurus?

Idioms are for the birds.

What’s the speed of dark?

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

I avoid clichés like the plague.

What’s another word for synonym?

I don’t remember being absent minded.

Homonyms are a reel waist of thyme.

Hyperbole is the BEST THING EVER!

An unemployed jester is nobody’s fool.

What do quantum whales eat? Planckton.

The Mexican train killer had locomotives.

A knighthood would be quite a sir prize.

Whenever I see a broken lift I tend to stair.

Hunting wild pigs is boaring.

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

Lif is too short.

Turning vegan was a big missed steak.

Cuddling a cat gives you a good feline.

A good artist knows where to draw the line.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

Sign language is handy.

Tea is for mugs.

PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

I am sick and tried of auto correct jokes.

Cannibals like to meat people.

I can’t stand sitting.

I tried to catch some fog, but mist.

Life as a yo-yo has its ups and downs.

I just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.

I don’t make predictions, and I never will.

How do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

A good pun is its own reword.


 

 

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Yet another selection of jokes and word play


I want to learn how to make ice-cream, so I’m going to sundae school.

On the stock exchange today, helium was up, feathers were down and paper was stationary.

Why did the biscuit cry? Because his mother was a wafer too long.

When police officers get cold they go undercover.

Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

Trainee pilots are nervous because their future is always up in the air.

I’d quite like to be a millionaire just like my dad; he always wanted to be a millionaire too.

I saw someone on the beach shouting “Help, shark! Help!” You have to laugh; that shark’s never going to help him.

Sunglasses are a bit like Facebook; you can stare at people without getting caught.

One tiny mistake can ruin everything you’ve worked so hard for; Tetris can be so damned annoying.

There’s a time and place for wasting your life away and this is it.

Don’t you just hate it when people use words that Google can’t find?

James Bond once slept right through an earthquake; he was shaken, not stirred.

I couldn’t afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive and steel wool.

Bakers with a sense of humour bake wry bread.

The best way to make an apple crumble is to torture it for 10 minutes.

A car showroom used to smuggle cars into the country, until they were convicted of trafficking.

A dangerous new strain of bacteria has been found in packs of soft butter; and it spreads easily.

Three of my fingers are willing, but my thumb and forefinger are opposed.

Police are searching for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lighted match; they want to catch him before he strikes again.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses three thousand times the memory.

Experience is great: it allows you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

Mathematical puns are the first sine of madness.

By the time you can make ends meet, somebody has moves the ends.

If everything seems to be going well, you have probably overlooked something.

Madness takes its toll; please have the exact change ready.

One good thing about egotists; they don’t talk about other people.

I always wanted to be a pharmacist, because I grew up on a pharm.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a baby horse and made a complete foal of myself.

Although he was afraid of mice, it didn’t keep him from eeking out a living at a pet store.

How do you make a whale float? A glass of soda, a scoop of ice cream and a whale.

An old gag: When the author of the hokey cokey died it was a nightmare getting him in the coffin; everytime they put his left leg in…

A French restaurant had five dishwashers; they were known as the kitchen cinq.

A jellyfish walked into a hardware shop and bought ten drills.

When ceiling fans were invented, they were considered revolutionary.

If anyone knows the shortest word in the English language containing the letters A, B, C, D, E and F, I’d welcome FEEDBACK.

Our cat did really well in the milk-drinking competition; he licked the competition and won by six laps.

I couldn’t make my mind up whether to set our scales to pounds or kilos, and then I decided either weigh would do.

The Bicycle Wheel Manufacturers Association has appointed a new spokes-person.

I used to go to an origami class, until it folded.

It’s always best to use teabags, as all proper tea is theft.

The knight walked into the blacksmith’s shop and the blacksmith said; “come in, you’ve got mail.”

A man walked into a bar and asked for a pitcher full of beer, so the bartender gave him a drunken baseball player.

Looking up at the stars tonight, I began to ask some profound questions like… “Where the hell is the shed roof?”

How do you get to Wales in a Mini; one in the back and one in the front.

How do you get two whales in a Mini; down the M4 and over the Severn Bridge.

Support bacteria! It’s the only culture some people have.

Women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.

Gas powered aircraft were never successful; in strong winds the pilot used to go out.

Squirrels swim on their back to keep their nuts dry.

Drat, I forgot to go to the gym again today; that’s 42 years in a row now.

Coming soon, timepieces for astronauts; watch this space!

No one could play cards on the ark, because Noah sat on the deck.

I was going to tweet a really good joke about apathy, but I can’t be bothered.

My favourite outdoor activity is coming back inside.

Interesting; apparently you can go to the gym without mentioning in on Twitter or Facebook.

I’ve made my lawn chicken-proof; it’s impeccable.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.

Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

Someone just told me I’m delusional! I nearly fell off my unicorn.

Is anyone else worried about that 0.01% of germs that can’t be killed?

Can you imagine the self control you’d need if you worked in a bubble wrap factory?

I never make the same mistake twice; four or five times usually covers it.

When one door closes another one opens; that’s yet another reason the car needs servicing.

How is it that in maths problems you can buy 75 cantaloupes and no one asks why?

If a racing driver’s wheel failed during a race, he’d have to re-tyre.

If you crossed a dog with a chicken, would you get pooched eggs?

If I download 1,000 puns from the Internet, I’d be well e-quipped.

A shepherd drove his flock of sheep through town and got a traffic ticket for making a ewe turn.

An X-ray specialist married one of her patients and everyone wondered what she saw in him.

I’m trying to lose weight by going to the paint store; apparently you can get thinner there.

I have a huge peak on my baseball cap; it’s my supervisor.

If you had to choose between your partner and £1,000,000, what is the first thing you would buy?

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

House training your dog might be a great idea, but it doesn’t look good on paper.

What happens when sound advice falls upon deaf ears?

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands. (This joke never grows old)

Make the little things count; teach maths to young children.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing; they just waved.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.

If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

As the shoe said to the hat; “You go on a head and I’ll follow on foot.”

I saw an enza virus outside; I opened the window and influenza.

A letter from NHS Blood and Transplant said I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

I know someone who’s addicted to brake fluid; he says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Native Americans were the first people to arrive in the continent because they had reservations.

The Energiser Bunny has been arrested and charged with battery.

If you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Does anyone know who Quasimodo is? It doesn’t ring any bells with me.

The book I published about failure has been a great success; it didn’t sell.

I didn’t like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.

My deafness has been cured; I never thought I’d hear myself saying that.


 

 

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More pointless playing around with words

A handful of my inane responses to people and posts on Twitter or Facebook, completely pointless as usual, but it keeps me entertained:


Wood yew cedar reason to root around & branch out? Just twigged I’m lumbering you with tree or more puns, fir enough, I’ll leaf it at that.

Think pink; don’t stink, kink or shrink from the brink; wear mink to a rink, blink and drink to the link in ink and sink into pink.

You should orange to clean fruit meticulously; apples must be at the core of all fruit washing, which should be done in pears.

I’m so Hungary Iran to the fridge to Czech for Turkey, but Norway I could eat it with all that Greece. Now I’m Russian to Finnish my Danish.

Cheesed off & Stiltons to do before the holidays? Edam, that’s not grate & curd cost whey too much if you’ve Gouda lot to buy; Feta accompli.

Want info on eggs? Don’t shell out, chick out the hencyclopedia; there’s a free range of fowl stuff laid out in cracking style.

ICON see CTRL freaks ENTER the HOME SPACE, DOS around & DEL don’t SHIFT, or ALT they’ve the DRIVE to keep TABS & BYTE back in the END.

Don’t let them takeaway a quantity of your maths class and alter the ratio, it doesn’t add up in my estimation; square up to and evaluate the root of the constant decimation before they intersect, divide you into fractions and multiply your problems… Ah, I’m angling off at a variable tangent, anyway I’ve calculated coefficiently that it’s not my function (minus the odd number) to factor in or achieve an absolute value by subtracting or deducting any amount of pointless arithmetical puns.


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Even more short jokes

Even more short jokesIf a mime is arrested, do they have the right to remain silent?

My long-haired friend was fired from the hot dog stand for putting his hair in a bun.

I can’t choose between silver and gold; it could be either ore.

An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks; the nephew is now busy winding up the estate.

I find falling asleep is so easy I could do it with my eyes closed.

Forklift truck drivers don’t like puns; they find them unpalletable.

If a tortoise doesn’t have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

The new Elvis Presley themed steakhouses are for people who love meat tender.

Tractors are magic; I followed one recently that suddenly turned into a field.

To oceanographers, things are never bad, they’re abyss-mal.

Lightning always shocks people, because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

Do ambassadors stay healthy because of diplomatic immunity?

A relative ate wheat even though he was allergic to it; he was a gluten for punishment.

Good King Wenceslas likes his pizza deep-pan, crisp and even.

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!

The boy stood on the burning deck; it was the only way he could put out the flames on his pack of cards.

If a spider lives in a maize field, does it make cob webs?

Fish take their holidays in Finland.

I asked a horse if he had a dollar. He replied “No, but I have fore quarters.”

Autocorrect is always making me post things I didn’t Nintendo.

‘Do not touch’ must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.

My goal was to lose 14lbs this year, I’ve only 20lbs to go now…

Some things are so easy today; as a youngster I had to struggle through 10 feet of shag pile carpet to change the TV channel.

Do I have to seize the day; can’t I just poke it gently with a stick?

Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol can double your vision.

Why buy something for £3 when you can make it yourself with £65 worth of craft materials?

My parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Apparently this is now called identity theft…

The first rule of the Railway Enthusiasts Book Club is to not read between the lines.

Two scientists studying fungi and algae became friends after they took a lichen to each other.

When psychiatrists give presents, are they always shrink wrapped?

A friend lost his left arm and left leg in an accident; he’s all right now.

I saw an exceptionally good scarecrow; it was out standing in its field.

My friend left her gloves in a secluded cave, still, they were hermits.

A man, who dreamt he was a wheel on a car and then a catalytic converter, woke up tired and exhausted.

A farmer has a herd of 200 cattle; he thought there were only 197 until he rounded them up.

I’ve damaged some small pieces of my chess set, so I took them to a pawn broker.

One of my ancestors tried prospecting for gold, but it didn’t pan out.

The local priest has been making the Sign of the Cross so often; he’s had to stop counting his blessings.

Cows wear cowbells because their horns don’t work.

I was going to procrastinate now, but I’ve decided to do it later.

Would you be in Seine if you jumped off a bridge in Paris?

A burglar fell into a cement mixer and became a hardened criminal.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

I bought a birthday card shaped like a boomerang; it said ‘Many Happy Returns’.

What do you get if you cross a canary with a mole? A mynah bird.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

In a Chinese geography test Peking is no longer allowed.

I had a very happy childhood. Dad loved to put me inside a tyre and roll me downhill. Those were the good years.

The Canadian government has set up a lottery, only for people in the north. You have to be Inuit to win it.

I phoned Seaworld the other day. They told me, ‘your call may be monitored for training porpoises.’

“You won’t like me when I’m angry. I back up my rage with documented facts and sources.” ~ The Credible Hulk

If you divide the diameter of a jack-o’-lantern by its circumference, do you get pumpkin Pi?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine yesterday is now fully recovered.

My neighbour couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist, so he was repossessed.

Police have been called to a nursery where a child was resisting a rest.

I’ve washed a set of hand bells, but I can’t wring them out.

The inebriated optician only had two glasses before he made a spectacle of himself.

I’ve just bought a three season bed; there’s no spring.

A friend of mine ran into a sieve, but he just strained himself.

Most money is tainted; it taint yours and it taint mine.

I was taken ill at the airport; it was serious, but not terminal.

I apologise; I saw a chiropractor, not an osteopath. I stand corrected.

The Dutchman with inflatable footwear has popped his clogs.

If you ate a lifetime’s supply of chocolate in one day, should you be worried?

I could explain why I have a superiority complex, but I doubt you’d understand.

When it comes to dictionaries, everyone is past caring.

People who copy and paste jokes from Facebook are idiots. Like • Comment • Share  A few seconds ago

Will you buy me chocolate? (A) Yes – (B) A – (C) B

Went to buy 6 cans of Sprite recently; it was only when I got home that I realised I’d picked 7up.

lol = Drowning Man. *lol* = Drowning Cheerleader.

I’ve just been given a framed picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa; I can’t get the damn thing to hang straight.

You should never run away from your problems. Unless your problem is a very large predator with big teeth.

We’ve just bought a new fridge; you should have seen my face light up when I opened it.

Tough, hard, durable… Sorry, I don’t usually use strong language.

I’ve attached a clock to a mirror; now I have time for reflection.

German no-frills supermarkets are taking over the country Lidl by Lidl, but Aldi you stop it?

Interesting, my new keyboard has a safety notice: “WARNING Using this keyboard may cause drowsi

I’ve just realised; the dawn chorus involves an awful lot of RTs.

Another washday and another sad statistic; the divorce rate among our socks is shocking.

If I had to describe myself with three words they would be “I’m really bad at maths”.

The Zen Master went up to the hot-dog stand and said; “Make me one with everything.”

I used to think I had attention deficit disorder, but now I’m n… Oooh look an insect!

The dentist and the manicurist fought tooth and nail.

I found an illegally parked frog in the garden and had it toad away.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. They also say revenge is sweet. Basically revenge is ice cream.

Apparently the main ingredient in anti-bacterial hand wash is paranoia.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.

I’m a graphic designer by day and dragon slayer by knight.

Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism, stealing from many people is research.

Learn to laugh at your own problems; everyone else does.

People think I’m too patronising… that means I talk down to people.

Buses stop at a bus station, trains stop at a train station; now I’m concerned about my work station.

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult.

I just watched a pirated movie; it got 3.14 stars.

And the award for incomplete tweets goes to

Would you like to know my secret to being a successful mime artist? I’m saying nothing.

What do we want? A cure for pyromania! When do we want it? Got a light?

The letter seven is my favourite colour of the periodic table of elephants.

Weetabix was called Betabix while it was in its production stage.

Why is the third hand on a clock called a second hand?

Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is gridlocked traffic called rush hour?

Why can’t you buy mouse flavoured cat food?

Why is the Department of the Interior in charge of everything outside?

When you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo.

If you’re injured by a dictionary, is it physical or verbal abuse?

If you’re tempted to fight fire with fire, just remember that the Fire Service often uses water.

I often say no to chocolate, but it just doesn’t listen.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I found the key to success once, but I think someone changed the lock.

Don’t be tempted by cheap hair removal offers; they’re a rip-off.

Did you know there are interstate highways in Hawaii?

If carrots are good for your eyes, why are there so many dead rabbits on the road?

I put on some lipstick today, but I can still move my lips.

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it still called skinny-dipping if you’re no longer skinny?

If four out of five people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Why isn’t a group of squids called a squad?

I’m really addicted to Spanish-Arab architecture; it’s just so Moorish.

What’s the difference between ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many people is research.

During a game of Monopoly the Boot and the Car met by Chance.

What’s large, grey and doesn’t matter? An Irrelephant.

I once bought a dog from a blacksmith; when I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?

Our dachshund has died; it met its end sniffing round a lamp post.

I’ve removed all the rear-view mirrors in my car and haven’t looked back since.

As a waiter I was put in charge of the condiments, but I couldn’t cut the mustard.

A really bad impressionist walked into a bar and the barman said: “Why the wrong face?”

I’ve noticed that it’s a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Seagulls live near the sea because if they lived near a bay, they’d be bagels.

I saw a skunk fall into a river once; it stank to the bottom.

Things I hate:
1) Negativity
2) Irony
3) Lists

Now I’m older, when I have a party my neighbours don’t even notice.

I once had a job delivering telegrams, but I had to [STOP].

I was tempted to post a cannibal joke, but I realised it was in bad taste.

I’ve been feeling down in the mouth since my feather pillow split.

My torch batteries need replacing; I’m delighted.

I’ve always found that the best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.

I try to avoid funerals; I’m not really a mourning person.

Pinning things on a notice board always seems a bit tacky to me.

Which is worse; ignorance or apathy? Who knows! Who cares!

I dyed some of my hair today; it was the highlight of my week.

My English teacher always told me that double negatives are a real no-no.

You’ll never guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians. Everyone.

Necessity is the mother of Invention; we all have quite unusual names in our family.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

I had a bat and ball for Christmas. The ball’s fun, but the bat just hangs upside down in the cellar.

I never make mistakes… I thought I did once; but I was wrong.

What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it man.

I used to keep a torch on my hat, but it made me feel light headed.

What’s the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally.

When I was learning to ride a horse I had trouble dismounting, so the tutor derided me.

People in Saudi Arabia don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.

Why are pirates called pirates? They just AarrRR!

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff, ba dum tish!

If Apple made cars, would they have Windows?

US scientists are hoping to make a quick buck by combining deer and greyhound DNA.

What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field. It’s a tough job, but hay, it’s in his jeans.

I used to enjoy going to fancy dress parties as a fish, but it’s wearing a little fin now.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roaming Catholic.

If you say ‘gullible’ slowly it sounds like ‘oranges’.

Someone knocked on our door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool; apparently a glass of water isn’t acceptable.

I know multitasking is a myth, but I can still waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.

Life is all about perspective; the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

Aren’t people annoying when they use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Intelligence is like underwear; it’s important to have it, but not to show it off.

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

What’s an ig? ~ An Inuit home without a loo.

Why did cowboys always die with their boots on? So they wouldn’t stub their toes when they kicked the bucket.

My Aunt is a flamboyant nun. She wears clerical clothing studded with semiprecious stones; it’s an expensive habit.

What do you call a snowman with sunburn? A puddle.

Whatever you do, don’t type ‘part a’ backwards; it’s a trap!

If you ever feel as though your job is meaningless, just remember; it’s someone’s job to fit indicators to BMW’s.

I asked my boss, “Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” He said, “Just pop it in the corner.” It took me three hours.

Think of a number between 1 and 20, add 32, multiply by 2 and add 1. Now close your eyes.
Dark isn’t it?

Men never really grow up; it’s just that some of us learn how to act in public. Sometimes.

Neptune’s son doesn’t do very well at school; his grades are all below C level.

ASCII stupid question and get a stupid ANSI.

I just bought a new universal remote controller. This really changes everything.

I’m a social vegetarian; I try to avoid meet.

I went to a night club and the manager sat me next to a hole in the carpet so I could see the floor show.

Apparently sheep can help you to fall asleep, and some people count on that.

Today went well until a seabird stole my German sausage; that was a tern for the wurst.

I normally have no problem with dairy, but I’m extremely lack toast intolerant at breakfast time.

Five out of six people agree that Russian roulette is safe.

I can only sleep on stacks of old magazines; I have back issues.

I don’t like afternoon funerals, but I’m not really a mourning person either.

I intended to go to a fancy dress party as Harry Potter’s godfather, but my wife said “You can’t be Sirius”.

I ordered a jumbo sausage at our chip shop, but they said it wouldn’t be long, so I asked for two.

I woke up this morning with a spoon in my mouth, a tea bag on my nose and milk in my right ear; I’m sick of being treated like a mug.

I’m almost certain that my spell Czech is broken.

If you rearrange the letters of ‘Postmen’, they get very annoyed.

I’m eating a bun filled with ham and pineapple; that’s just Hawaii roll.

I’m not a fan of lemon preserve; it’s just a curd to me.

I’ve eaten too much Middle Eastern food and now I falafel.

Lollipop men and women make me cross.

My neighbour’s dog is magic; it’s a Labracadabrador.

Our wifi wasn’t working earlier, so I spent some time with my family; they seem like nice people.

Two horses are in a field on a cold winter’s night. One horse says to the other; “I don’t know about you but I’m Friesian”.

What’s the difference between a horse and the weather? One is reined up and the other rained down…

What’s the difference between weather and climate? You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate…

When two weather presenters each broke both legs, they had problems with their four casts…

Dr Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition, but it was only much later that he realised he had misunderstood the objective.

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two seem odd to me.

You shouldn’t steal kitchen utensils, unless it’s a whisk you’re willing to take.

Two blood cells met and fell in love, but sadly it was all in vein.

Last night I had a nightmare about Gloria Gaynor; at first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Grammar Nazis are now calling themselves the alt-write.

I know the name of every turtle. I have turtle recall.

Death, War, Famine and Pestilence all caught a cold; they were the Four Hoarse Men of the Apocalypse.

Why can’t pirates recite the letters of the alphabet? Because they always get lost at C…

At the last appointment my doctor said he would have to draw some blood, but unfortunately his sketch pad was full.

What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot? Mitosis.

A truck delivering cheese from France has exploded; there was nothing left but de Brie.

Last night I was so drunk I took the bus home. I’ve never driven a bus before.

The first rule of Introvert Club: there is no Introvert Club.

I’ve given up spell check for Lint.

I’ve been bread making. The white and wholemeal loaves were a great success; now I’m on a roll.

I answered the phone today and heard lots of sniffing and sneezing; cold callers can be so annoying.

The Beach Boys walk into a bar…
“Round?”
“Round?”
“Get a round”
“I get a round, yeah?”
“Get a round!”
“Round, round, I get a round…”
“FFS!”

I thought I saw Michael J. Fox at the garden centre, but it was hard to tell as he had his back to the fuchsias.

If a polygamist has already married nine times, will his next marriage mean he is decimated?

My childhood friends were paid for being good, but we were so poor that I was good for nothing.

Mountains aren’t just funny; they are hill areas.

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Diction Hairy of Reeve Eyes Deaf Finnish Huns

 

Diction Hairy of Redefinitions Cover © 2012 Roy ManterfieldThe spell checker approved the title, but it should be ‘Dictionary of Revised Definitions’.

Continuing the long and slightly dubious history of new and revised word redefinitions and daffynitions, in a short but similar vein to works such as ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’ by Ambrose Bierce, the ‘Uxbridge English Dictionary’ #UED from the BBC radio panel game ‘I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue’ #ISIHAC and ‘Wickedictionary’ by Derek Abbott.

I have written most of the definitions listed here, apart from a handful stolen from Twitter acquaintances, although, as many of the definitions are obvious as well as being ridiculous, they may well have been used elsewhere and often.

Click on a group of letters to go to that section:

 

A B C   D E F   G H I   J K L   M N O   P Q R   S T U   V W X Y Z

 

A few of my favourites:

Artichoke (n): creative strangulation
Babylon (n): tough synthetic infant
Cantaloupe (n): incapable of eloping
Diphthong (n): very small swimwear
Esplanade (n): Spanish lemonade
Felon (v): to trip over a thief
Ganache (n): action of teeth on chocolate
Gigolo (n): a fee-male
Hindsight (n): effect of hotpants
Impeccable (n): to protect from woodpeckers
Jamaica (n): person who makes fruit preserves
Kindred (n): fear of relatives
Legendary (n): famous milkman
Mascara (n): Brazilian traffic jam
Negligent (n): negligee for men
Noncustodial (n): a pudding without custard
Onomatopoeia (n): sound made by a tomato
Orifice (n): a hole created in an office
Palindrome (n): dromedary with humps that look the same way in either direction
Pirate (n): pie classification system
Procrastinate (n): to delay the playing of castanets
Quintessence (n): the aroma of five babies
Raucous (n): unprepared couscous
Scherzo (n): swift-moving Italian sausage
Stalemate (n): musty friend
Sycophant (n): poorly elephant
Tachycardia (n): distasteful cardigan
Toboggan (n): winter transportation for tobacco
Unison (n): child of unisex
Voluminous (n): fluorescent vole
Wiggle (v): movement of a wig
Xerox (n): duplicate ox
Yacht (v): unexpected sneeze
Zucchini (n): Italian zookeeper trousers

Copyright © 2011 – 2017 Roy Manterfield

Disclaimer
This dictionary is for entertainment only. Whereas the entertainment value is subjective, the content is not accurate and is not intended to be used in place of an actual dictionary.

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