Still More MumblingNerd Stuff

 

Still more of my previously unpublished Twitter posts:

 

I’m a Pacifist; it’s my favourite ocean.

I really dislike 144; it’s gross.

Well that’s very disappointing. Apparently, fasting has nothing to do with the speed that you eat.

After all the hype I’ve heard, red tape is surprisingly easy to cut through.

Why would you rest on your laurels? I once had laurels in the garden; they were extremely uncomfortable to rest on.

I’ve had a parcel delivered. Although I never did find out how the liver got into the parcel.

Can you spot a pointillist painting without going dotty? I don’t see the point.

Vive la différence, as the Dutch say. When they’re speaking French.

I cut my finger today, but on the other hand I’m fine.

I’m amazed at how much procrastinating I managed to fit in today.

I repaired a hole in my sock, but it was sew sew boring.

I’ve been thinking outside of the box and decided on cremation.

My hairdresser gave me a Roman cut; she used a pair of Caesars.

Birds must be infuriated when they get vertigo.

I’m writing salad puns; if anyone knows a good one please lettuce know.

There’s a fine line between
silliness
____________

and humour

And I’ve no idea where it is :^)

I’d like to give you some sage advice. It goes well with parsley, rosemary and thyme.

Snakes are measured in inches as there are no feet.

Has anyone else tried fly-tipping? As soon as I attempt it they fly off.

On the one hand the weather is wet for June, but on the other hand I have a broken nail.

I spoke to a grassroots campaigner today, but they refused to look at my lawn.

Watched the test match today. It lit first time.

Apparently a Japanese zoo has an elephant seal. That must take one hell of a lot of cling film.

Soya milk. Didn’t see mine though; has anyone else seen it?

Attempting to sketch with French chalk, but I’m drawing a blanc.

I may be going out on a limb here, but I’m hopping around on one leg.

I’m wondering if I could scrape a living as an archaeologist. Perhaps I’ll dig out my CV.

Hummingbirds should attend to their personal hygiene.

Saw a spoonbill today. That’s the last time I buy cutlery in a hurry.

Look where you’re going! That was just a heads up.

I’ve split my feather quilt and now I’m feeling down.

My nail and hammer mishap stands out like a sore thumb.

Visited the local health centre to show my support today. No one was willing to have a look at it.

I’ve taken another re-sit. It was a huge improvement; I didn’t fall off this time.

Pricked myself on a needle again. I just don’t see the point.

Our dentist is conflicted; he’s cheerful, but he always looks down in the mouth.

I wouldn’t visit a denture shop; I don’t like to pick my teeth in public.

I visited an owl sanctuary recently, but the owls didn’t give two hoots.

I drove past one of those average speed cameras yesterday, but I thought it looked pretty good.

Where can I borrow a dictionary? I only need it for a short spell.

As house spiders are getting bigger, I’ve adjusted the burglar alarm so they don’t trigger it. I wondered where all the flies had gone…

Aww, a little bird just told me to cheer up. Oh, I misheard; it said chirp.

Did a little bowling practice this morning. I now regret not finishing the cereal first.

On my bucket list I have an iron pail, three household buckets and a small plastic beach bucket for making sand castles.

I’ve had a protracted conversation with a neighbour, but dropped the protractor. Now it’s scratched.

Can anyone recommend a local artisan natural GM free organic vegan craft pop-up pantry zero carbon footprint kitchen micro café?

I’m thinking of setting up a family tracing service, but I can’t find a large enough sheet of translucent paper.

I spent all last night running around the bed, but I still didn’t catch up on my sleep.

It’s always good to have a fresh pair of eyes. Slightly disappointed they weren’t from the same donor though.

The Queen doesn’t appear to do much when she launches a ship, surely someone in her position should really push the boat out.

When William the Conqueror visited Nottingham Castle, he had pizza delivered and told them to change the keep.

I’ve been short-changed at a yard sale; I only got 35 inches.

A problem shared is a problem halved. Regrettably I’ve so far failed to apply that to utility bills.

Vicious mathematicians shouldn’t work in dreadful pubs; vile inns never solved anything.

I just found some raw toast.

I went to Muffin Break today, but they only do replacement muffins, not repairs.

If I tweet about bacteria, will you all help it to go viral?

I have a spring in my step today. Also a tiny cogwheel and a brass screw from an old clock.

Should I complain about this pressure cooker not working properly, or should I just keep a lid on it?

If you’re into bondage, it’s vital to have a partner you can truss completely.

If I hadn’t had fillet mignon last night, it would have been a missed steak.

Just saw a shepherd handing out hard boiled sweet mints for Christmas. Baa humbug.

I’ve been getting contractions all morning; it started with isn’t, then can’t and now I’ve just had a couple of don’ts.

If you can’t decide whether to buy a telepathic abacus as a Christmas gift, just remember it’s the thought that counts.

There are holes in our chest of drawers; I suspect they’ve been rifled.

Our dining room lights are too bright for eating Chinese takeaway meals; we have to dim sum.

I don’t know why I’ve been called supernumerary; maths has never been my strong point.

I’m concerned about this kebab; I suspect it may be from ancient grease.

Just had a watershed moment. The shed roof is leaking.

If you make allegations about crocodile tears, does that make you the alligator?

The Met Office are issuing a yellow warning for snow in some areas; whatever you do, AVOID THE YELLOW SNOW!

Spent a lot of time sole searching today. Eventually managed to prise the stone out.

Not impressed with this new ‘Soothing Apricot Toner’. The apricot I tested it on is neither soothed nor toned, and it tastes revolting.

I once tripped and fell on a cricket pitch in freshly ironed trousers; I ruined the crease.

I just discovered a greenhouse that’s only a stone’s throw away…

I’ve taken this barometer into four pubs so far; I think it’s broken.

I’m not a gossip; I just have a great sense of rumour.

On my last hospital visit I signed a doctor’s organ donation form, now there’s a man after my own heart.

I’m feeling a little left behind today. Later on I shall also feel my right side.

I have quite a large fan base. Although to be fair, the fan is still unstable and liable to fall over.

I need to buy a bigger scarf; my old one is too tight.

Finding accommodation for a flock of chickens was a big coup for me.

I’m feeling marginalised. I’m on page one, just to the left of the first paragraph.

They pulled the wool over my eyes once too often; I’ve exchanged the item for cotton.

This is a pretty kettle of fish, although the pot of toads is slightly unpleasant.

Don’t worry about parallel lines and vanishing points. It’s all a matter of perspective.

I couldn’t find a nutcracker, so I used a sledgehammer.

Don’t breed guppies. We have much bigger fish to fry.

I felt like I should be dusting or vacuuming. So I’m having a coffee until the feeling passes.

I take homeopathy with a pinch of salt. Of course the pinch of salt is so diluted that my descendants will be drinking it for generations.

Possession is nine-tenths of the law, but only if you exorcise regularly.

After pouring oil on troubled waters, I’m now pouring coffee through an anxious filter.

Do you want to increase your #SocialMedia presence?
Fluorescent paint will make a huge difference to your visibility.

I’m very concerned about an old well in our back garden; it’s not a tall well.

I had to give up being narcissistic when I realised I couldn’t spell it.

I couldn’t work in a cemetery; there are too many dead lines.

When the first speaker took the floor I was left balancing precariously on a joist.

In chemistry labs on casual Fridays, formaldehyde turns into spontaneousdehyde.

I’ve been setting the record straight today. The needle skips tracks if the record isn’t straight.

I’ve been finding my feet today.
Oh look, there they are again!

I’ve never been backward at coming forward in awkward parking spaces.

Just heard someone say their supply of ice is running dry. Our ice only ever runs wet.

I used to have a life outside of social media, but I forgot the password to it.

“Everybody you ever met in your life was brought to you for a reason.” Last night it was pizza.

Had a brush with the law yesterday; I found a box of toupees and now the police are combing the area.

I now realise that I will never be old enough to be grown up.

I was in a pretty pickle today. Well, I say pretty, gherkins are more attractive than actually pretty.

I’m up to my neck in it today, but then I’ve never gone without a shirt even when it’s hot…

What a fantastic start to the day; I went into another room and actually remembered why…

Belts are waisted on me.

Delighted to know that oily fish is good for you, because these reformed economy fish fingers soaked in melted lard really hit the spot.

I’ve been itching to study flea bites, but I don’t want to start from scratch.

I could eat French honey with every miel.

I’m ticked off with checklists that won’t let you work outside the box.

I’ve been shopping for a pair of pear paring knives, but only found one.

I was balancing the books today, until Jane Austen’s ‘Pride and Prejudice’ toppled the whole pile.

I’ll never get rid of these gnat bites; I think I’ll have to start from scratch.

I paused to listen mindfully to the gentle sounds that surround me today. Turns out to have been chewing gum on my shoe.

I was approached by a whistle blower today. I confiscated it.

Focus on the positives and forget the negatives, but not if you’re still using a film camera.

I don’t regret the demise of wired phones, except now I can’t slam the receiver down on the 95% of calls that are spam.

If you take a ballet degree, are you guaranteed to graduate with at least a tutu?

I’m not convinced those cardboard policemen are cut out for the job.

Fabrics are conspicuous at the Olympics; must be all the curtain raising and blanket coverage.

I’ve had my milk chocolate sailing boat converted to dark chocolate; it’s all plain sailing now.

 
 

 

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More humorous quotes

Homer Simpson“I’ve put on some weight recently. My wife says it’s just puppy fat, but I’ve been eating other things as well.” ~ Gareth Richards

“So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I’d like to rent Batman Forever. I said No, just for two hours!” ~ Tim Vine

“My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn’t fancy her chances.” ~ Nish Kumar

“I was going to spend the afternoon daydreaming… but my mind kept wandering.” ~ Steven Wright

“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.” ~ Stewart Francis

“Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.” ~ George Ryegold

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” ~ Rob Beckett

“I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don’t know I’m using blanks.” ~ Emo Philips

“I have a stepladder. It’s a very nice stepladder, but it’s sad that I never knew my real ladder.” ~ Craig Charles

“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” ~ Will Marsh

“I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know Y.” ~ Chris Turner

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” ~ Stewart Francis

“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand” ~ Homer Simpson

“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” ~ Rob Auton

“I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.” ~ Alex Horne

“I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.” ~ Alfie Moore

“My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily’.” ~ Tim Vine

“I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.” ~ Gary Delaney

“The universe implodes. No matter.” ~ Liam Williams

“The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.” ~ Chris Coltrane

“The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.” ~ Milton Jones

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” ~ Peter Kay

“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” ~ Benny Hill

“I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy.” ~ Tommy Cooper

“I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail.” ~ Unknown Origin

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” ~ Herm Albright

“Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.” ~ Sloane Crosley

“Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.” ~ Isabel Allende

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” ~ Miss Piggy

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.” ~ W C Fields

“I can’t stand innuendo. If I see one in a script I whip it out immediately.” ~ Kenneth Williams


 

 

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

“I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned”, but in the meantime…

I dream of a better world where...Why did the chicken cross the road? ► To get to the other side.

Why did the chicken cross the road? ► Because it was free range.

Why did the chicken run across the road? ► Because a car was coming.

Why did the turkey cross the road? ► To prove it was no chicken.

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch? ► Because the referee whistled for a fowl.

Why did the chicken cross the playground? ► To get to the other slide.

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and then cross the road again? ► Because it was a dirty double-crosser.

Why did the duck cross the road? ► Because the chicken needed a day off.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? ► To get to the same side.

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road? ► Because it wanted to stretch its legs.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? ► Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

Two chickens are sitting by the side of the road. One says to the other: “Are you going to cross then?” “No,” it says, “we’ll never hear the end of it.”

How did the frozen chicken cross the road? ► In a shopping bag.

Why didn’t the chicken skeleton cross the road? ► Because it didn’t have enough guts.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? ► Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.

Why did the cow cross the road? ► To get to the udder side.

Why did the fox cross the road? ► It was looking for the chicken.

Why did the squirrel cross the road? ► Because it was stapled to a chicken.

Why did the Dalek cross the road? ► To EXTERMINATE! the chicken.

Why did the atheist cross the road? ► So they could see both sides.

Why did the abstract surrealist cross the road? ► Tomato monkey.

Why did Darth Vader cross the road? ► To get to the dark side.

Who helped Darth Vader cross the road? ► The Force was with him.

Why did Mr Scott’s chicken cross the road? ► Because it couldna take much morrrrrrre!

Why did the Vulcan chicken cross the road? ► It was the logical thing to do.

Why did the Borg cross the road? ► To assimilate the chicken.


 

 

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Nerd Jokes

#NerdJokesWhat is a physicist’s favourite food? Fission chips.

Why did Erwin Schrödinger, Paul Dirac and Wolfgang Pauli work in very small garages? Because they were quantum mechanics.

Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

Why do chemists like nitrates? Because they’re cheaper than day rates.

Chemists believe it takes alkynes to make a world.

I don’t like tetrachloroethylene, and I’m not keen on glycol ether.

What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium.

I tell chemistry jokes periodically, but there’s usually no reaction.

What does 7 on the pH scale have in common with Sweden? They’re both neutral.

What do you call it when sodium chloride hits you? A salt.

Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

A photon checks into a hotel. The receptionist asks if it has any luggage, it replies; “No, I’m travelling light.”

NASA is planning a restaurant on the Moon; there will be great food, but no atmosphere.

How may ears does Spock have? Three. A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear.

Serotonin and dopamine. Technically, the only two things you enjoy.

What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down its genes.

The gene for shyness has been found. It would have been found earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.

Remember, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

An optimist sees the glass as half full, a pessimist sees it as half empty, an engineer sees the glass as twice as large as it needs to be.

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

Why can’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

Where does bad light end up? In prism.

What does a subatomic duck say? Quark.

What do The Force and duct tape have in common? There’s a dark side and a light side, and they both hold the universe together.

If you fell off a tall building and had never studied physics, would you understand the gravity of the situation?

What did one sister chromatid say to the other? Stop copying me!

What do you call an electricity detective? Sherlock Ohms.

What do you call a joke based on cobalt, radon and yttrium? CoRnY.

What do you get when you mix sulphur, tungsten and silver? SWAg.

Why are copper and tellurium so CuTe?

Oxygen went on a date with potassium; it went OK.

The sign on the door of a microbiology lab reads “STAPH ONLY.”

Einstein’s Theory of Relatives: The probability of in-laws visiting you is directly proportional to how much you feel like being left alone.

With your head in the fridge and your feet in the oven, a statistician will tell you that, on average, you’re very comfortable.

A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptised. She kept the other as a control.

Statisticians have proven that having offspring is an inherited trait; if your parents didn’t have children, you probably won’t either.

If you have a pizza with radius z and thickness a, its volume is pizza [or pi*z*z*a].

The constipated mathematician worked his problem out with a pencil.

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some functions.

There are two types of people in the world; those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets…

A microbiologist travelled widely and was fluent in various languages; he was a man of many cultures.

Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman!

I was going to tell you a joke about sodium, but… Na.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don’t.

Psychiatrist to patient: “Don’t worry. You’re not deluded. You only think you are.”

After sex, one behaviourist turned to another behaviourist and said, “That was great for you, but how was it for me?”

A mosquito was heard to complain
That chemists had poisoned her brain.
The cause of her sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
diphenyl-trichloroethane.

A friend who’s in liquor production,
Has a still of astounding construction,
The alcohol boils,
Through old magnet coils,
He says that it’s proof by induction.

Edmund Halley:
From the public, his discovery brought cheers.
From his wife, it drew torrents of tears.
“For you see,” said Ms. Halley,
“He used to come daily;
Now it’s once every 70 years!”

There was an old lady called Wright,
Who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day.
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

 

A scientist walks into a bar…

A microbiologist walks into a bar and asks for a small one.

A geneticist walks into a bar to buy a drink and says to the bartender; “I think I have some change in my jeans.”

A climate change scientist walks into a bar and says; “Where’s the ice?”

A seismologist walks into a bar and asks for their drink to be shaken and not stirred.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Give me ten times the number of drinks everybody in here is drinking.” The bartender replies; “Now that is an order of magnitude.”

Two robots walk into a bar. The third one had a better steering program.

A blowfly walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Is that stool taken?”

An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says; “We don’t serve your kind in here.” It replies; “Well, you’re not a very good host.”

A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender yells; “Get out!” It leaves without putting up any resistance.

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says; “Get out, we don’t allow noble gases in here!” Argon doesn’t react.

A neutrino passes through a bar.

A planetologist walks into a bar and chats to Vastitas Borealis; “Long time, no sea.”

Schrödinger walks into a bar with a box, which is searched; “Did you know there’s a dead cat in here?” He replies; “Well, now I do!”

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. Or doesn’t.

An electron and a positron go into a bar.
Positron: “You’re round.”
Electron: “Are you sure?”
Positron: “I’m positive.”

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first says, “Yes, I’m positive…”

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”.

Two chemists walk into a bar. One orders H2O. The other says “I’ll have H2O too.” The second one dies.

 

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

 

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#TopTenTips

#TopTenTips#TopTenTips No1:
AVOID TEARS WHEN CHOPPING ONIONS ►
A simple trick; don’t get emotionally involved.

#TopTenTips No2:
HOW TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET ►
Just kidding; stuff it in the cupboard.

#TopTenTips No3:
PREVENT APPLES BROWNING IN YOUR CHILDS’ LUNCHBOX ►
Give them chocolate.

#TopTenTips No4:
HOW TO MAKE A ROOM EASY TO CLEAN ►
Don’t have pets, children or partners.

#TopTenTips No5:
CARING FOR PETS AFTER NEUTERING ►
Ask someone else to do it while you recover from the operation.

#TopTenTips No6:
CUT OUT COUPONS ►
Simply cut out collecting coupons, it’s a complete waste of time and energy.

#TopTenTips No7:
HOW TO KEEP WASPS AWAY ►
Fling jam into neighbouring gardens.

#TopTenTips No8:
BUY FOOD WHEN IT’S IN SEASON ►
For example, chocolate is always in season.

#TopTenTips No9:
SAVE ON FOOD BILLS AND LOOSE WEIGHT ►
Ignore ‘Sell By’ dates and get free meals while you recover in hospital.

#TopTenTips No10:
HOW TO STORE VIDEO TAPES AND CASSETTES ►
Digitise and throw them out.

#TopTenTips No11:
MAKE YOUR HOME A GREEN ENVIRONMENT ►
Encourage mould and algae.

#TopTenTips No12:
GET MORE TIME TO DO STUFF ►
Delete Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, Google+ and LinkedIn, then trash your mobile/cell phone.


 

 

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Yet More MumblingNerd Stuff

 

Yet more of my previously unpublished Twitter posts and daft comments:

Grim ReaperStaring at the back of a monitor is pointless; always look on the bright side.

I used to live next to a very quiet tennis equipment manufacturer, I was lucky; normally they made a racket.

Finding out how to preserve pork with salt has really saved my bacon.

It’s not middle age spread; it’s just that my genes don’t fit properly.

I used to enjoy working in a mattress factory, except at spring time.

My shoe came off and I dropped a fondant fancy; now I’m footloose and fancy free.

Take life one day at a time, but always take chocolates two at a time.

I had a flat in the hilly part of Nottingham, before that I had a flat in the flat part, now I’m in the hilly part, but I don’t have a flat.

Has anyone found out what Larry is so happy about?

I don’t adhere to the belief that super glue is a bonding experience; there’s no resin for it, so it’s a complete paste of time.

According to the UK weather map this morning; people on the west coast of Wales will need a Cardigan.

Never mind the horse meat saga; rumour has it that moussaka contains no mouse and ratatouille is rodent free.

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth; but my parents never received an apology from the hospital.

A friend kindly passed me their salt cellar without turning around; but it may have been a backhanded condiment.

I’m itching to visit a Flea Market.

Lunchtime, and I’ve just found out that my horseradish sauce has beef in it.

I’m so angry someone put soap in my drink I’m foaming at the mouth.

Fit as a fiddle, viable as a violin, chilled as a cello and deep as a double bass, but there are strings attached.

I might have eaten something that’s past its best; I just have this gut feeling.

I’m a DAB hand at tuning my radio in.

Prince Charles is constantly referred to as heir apparent, but surely his hairline is no one else’s business?

I remember important dates, such as 1066, but the rest are history.

A friend who empties cesspits with a truck was involved in a road accident, he wasn’t injured, but he had a terrible freight.

I invested in a paper aeroplane company, but it folded.

I also foolishly invested in a failing graffiti business; I hadn’t seen the writing on the wall.

A mystic set up a divinatory card reading business for cattle and it failed miserably; it was a Tarot bull way to go.

TV news showed radioactive bullocks resting in the sun near the Fukushima nuclear plant; is this an example of glow bull warming?

I tried to set up a unique Déjà Vu Travel Company, but the focus group said they had seen it all before.

I have such a large vinyl record collection that I’ve barely scratched the surface.

140 characters are perfect; if Twitter had 144 that would be gross.

When a race takes place in Finland, what is the Finish line called?

The Grim Reaper’s hairstylist has just had a brush with death.

I tried cooking something from the ‘Titanic Cookbook’; it was a recipe for disaster, but it did go down well.

Soaking for too long in the bath really creases me up.

My physiotherapist says I’m getting taller, but I think he’s just pulling my leg.

Why do we spend the first few years teaching children to walk and talk, and the next decade telling them to sit down and shut up?

Sheep rustling? What would make sheep rustle; tin foil, taffeta, newspaper, gift wrap?

Just bought a large block of cheddar; some grate times ahead.

Atoms are made up of small subatomic particles called protons, neutrons, electrons and morons #MyAtomsHaveExtraMorons

I’ve been on the edge of my seat all evening. I should move the cat really, but he looks so comfortable.

I have a tortuous joke about marathons, but it won’t fit on Twitter; it’s a long running gag.

A cattle farmer has had to withdraw from a marathon due to a calf injury.

I’m thinking of setting up a business selling sesame seeds; it might open a few doors.

I’ve been trying on very expensive pullovers, but at these prices I think I’m having the wool pulled over my eyes.

Following floods, headlines often announce problems with ‘raw sewage’, but what if it was properly cooked?

If Cinderella’s shoe was a perfect fit, why did it fall off in the first place?

Apparently you can use matchsticks to help you stay awake; that’s a real eye-opener.

You know that slightly desperate feeling you get when you have to look at the second page of Google answers…

Please Note ► People making Schrödinger’s cat jokes today will be regarded as ‘Wanted, Dead or Alive’ by the Joke Regulator.

If you had a blind date with an optician, would you make a spectacle of yourself?

I think I’ve lost an electron; you’ve really got to keep an ion them.

How do headphones tie themselves in knots when you’re not looking?

When I kicked the bucket my toe hurt so much I could have died.

I’m so Hungary Iran to the fridge to Czech for Turkey, but Norway I could eat it with all that Greece. Now I’m Russian out for a Danish.

A scheme has been launched to find out what makes a good timepiece, so far the search has gone like clockwork.

13 out of 12 people don’t know what a baker’s dozen is.

A message keeps displaying on our TV; ‘No Signal’, but we use Colgate anyway.

I have class written all over me; fortunately it wasn’t a permanent ink marker.

Sales of adult diapers have decreased on islands and increased in continents.

Phone reception was terrible in Yorkshire; although one day next to a field of sheep I did get up to three baas.

I watched Walt Disney being interviewed once; he was very animated.

I love dictionaries; they add meaning to everything.

How do cutlery manufacturers manage when they can only get forklift trucks?

WARNING: If someone sends you a link to the new Justin Bieber single, DON’T CLICK ON IT! It’s a link to the new Justin Bieber single.

Couch potato? Sounds delicious; does anyone have a recipe? I’d look for one, but I’m reclining in front of the TV.

It’s late and I just put the cat out. I’ve still no idea how he caught fire.

L M N ► Tree ► May ► Deer ► What’s On

‘Sink your iPhone’ is an expensive typo.

I entered a jazz hands competition and won hands down.

I played cricket last week and lost. I’d no idea they could jump that high.

I stopped at a fork in the road, but quickly moved on; what I really needed was a spoon.

Whenever I attend a word play seminar I have a punini for lunch.

If my salary was paid in sodium chloride, I’d salt it away in the cellar.

I tried following my dreams, but I fell off the bed.

I intended to start the day with a clean slate, but when it came down to it I opted for traditional crockery.

I’ve upgraded my old analogue digits to digital digits. My wedding ring doesn’t fit as well though.

I was in a field of spring flowers today singing “Daisy, Daisy / Give me your answer, do.” No reply.

I can’t find my mouse pointer. Mind you, I’ve only conducted a cursory search.

 

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Punicious Punography


Punicious PunographyI used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; it’s impossible to put down.

I’m glad I know sign language; it comes in handy.

If towels could tell jokes, they would probably have a dry sense of humour.

Police were called to a nursery where a three year old was resisting a rest.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

A man had his left arm and leg amputated; he’s all right now.

I wondered why the football was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

If you asked a plastic surgeon to make you look like a pelican, would you get a massive bill?

When ancient wall sculptors finished their work, it was a relief.

Someone left a piece of Plasticine in my house. I didn’t know what to make of it.

As one frog croaked to the other; “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”

Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas because he felt his presents.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.

Just watched a religious order playing stringed instruments; there’s too much sects and violins on TV these days.

I nearly lost my frog puppet recently; it tried to Kermit suicide.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

I saw a kidnapping today, but decided not to wake him up.

I’ve spilt glue all over my autobiography. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I’ve just eaten a very hard biscuit; that was one tough cookie.

There are a few grave diggers wandering around the local graveyard; I think they’ve lost the plot.

I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.

Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Palaeontologists thought they’d found new evidence of a missing link, but it was just another fossil arm.

There’s a terrible smell in the local Apple store; it’s a shame they don’t have Windows.

I use my iPhone when I can’t get to sleep; I have a nap for it.

I found out why our refuse collectors are so miserable; they’ve been down in the dumps.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office DVD is in big trouble; you have my Word.

A woman said she’d recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

What do you call someone with neither a body nor a nose? Nobody nose.

I heard a song about a tortilla today; actually it was more of a wrap.

I decided not to return to my drumming lessons for fear of the repercussions.

I heard that OXYGEN and MAGNESIUM were going out and I was like O Mg!

If the devil ever loses his hair there will be hell toupée.

If anyone knows a really good fish pun, let minnow.

When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

Ban singing in football stadiums? No chants.

I’m reading an excellent book about where people keep their cutlery; it’s top drawer.

I like to sing songs without choruses, but usually I refrain.

Would you like to know my secret to being a successful mime artist? I’m saying nothing.

My wife asked me to mend the plug on her fan; I simply refused.

Why do you never hear a pterodactyl use a toilet? Because the P is silent.

I haven’t done the hokey cokey in years. As you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

I just read an advert for a job inspecting mirrors; I could really see myself doing that.

I have an irrational fear of speed bumps; but I’m slowly getting over it.

People who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

Picasso once had a job as a stadium illustrator; he always drew a big crowd.

I worked in a paperless office once; everyone avoided the toilets.

The invention of the pickaxe was ground breaking.

I had to fire a masseuse today; she was rubbing people up the wrong way.

Apparently, the Sydney Opera House is off quay.

I have a very successful business building yachts in the attic; sails are going through the roof.

I often get a lift from an old school friend who always drives in reverse gear; we do go back a long way.

People keep telling me I’m too sceptical, but I don’t believe them.

I found some great puns at the drapers while I was looking for new material.

This book of incantations is useless; the author didn’t use a spell checker.

I’ve ordered a reversible jacket; I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

I used to enjoy archery, but it has its drawbacks.

Will glass coffins prove popular? Remains to be seen.

If you were sent down for a few years, it could be used to stuff quilts.

I know a professor who had his appendix removed, but he still has a full set of footnotes and an extensive bibliography.

Parachute For Sale: only used once, never opened, small stain.

I don’t like my tennis coach’s serve, so I keep returning it.

I swallowed some food colouring by accident and now I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I used to hate maths but then I realised decimals have a point.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

Last year I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet.

My therapist has suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

On maps of Florida the key is always at the bottom.

I wonder which bright spark invented fire?

I’ve started a joke courier business; I can’t take anything seriously.

My daughter said I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

I was almost crushed recently by a pile of books, but I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

I’ve just been on iTunes trying to sync ‘The Titanic’.

Dry erase boards are remarkable.

A man walks into a betting shop and asks “Can I back a horse in here?” The bookmaker nods, so the man shouts “Okay Jim, back her in!”

What’s the bear minimum? One bear.

I went to a duck fancying club once. It was pretty fowl.

I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.


 

 

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Shopping jokes

Shopping jokesI bought some new electric garden trimmers; they’re cutting-hedge technology.

‘VENI, VEDI, VISA’: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

I thought I’d visit some different stores, but when you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.

I think the local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew its seams.

Never get behind the Devil in a Post Office queue, for the Devil has many forms.

I’m going to a local shop for the first time; I’ve no idea what’s in store.

A ladder has been stolen from a hardware store; the manager says that further steps will be taken.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers today, but I couldn’t find any.

Plastic surgery is very expensive; amputations cost an arm and a leg.

Why can’t fishmongers be more generous? Because their business makes them sell fish.

I went to the music shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said: ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

A shopkeeper just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might be a heroine dealer.

I went to the hardware store to buy a curtain rod and the manager asked me how long I’d want it; so I told him I’d like to keep it.

Our baker has a sense of humour; he bakes wry bread.

I’ve bought one of those memory foam cushions, but I can’t remember where I put it.

The bicycle shop owner broke his ankle and was unable to peddle his wares.

At the grocery store a dangerous new strain of bacteria has been found in packs of soft butter; and it spreads easily.

I know I’ve bought lots of Velcro cable grips, but I can’t find any now. I must be losing my grip.

A pub started brewing in-house because they loved draught beer, but in the end, they bottled it.

I saw a huge new funeral parlour opening today; it was quite an undertaking.

Our butcher sells sausages online; but the link’s broken.

Our butcher backed into his meat slicer; now he’s got a little behind in his work.

Our butcher had to sell all his rabbits and pheasants, because he didn’t want to give the game away.

I bought eight legs of venison from our butcher for £40; is that two deer?

I asked our butcher if he had a capon, but he said; “No, who do you think I am, Batman?”

I bought some Toulouse sausages today, now I can’t find them; they must have been too easy Toulouse.

I only asked for a leg of lamb from the butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.

Horse meat was once sold in a lot of British butcher shops, but they were flogging a dead horse.

In the café today I tried to grab something to drink my milkshake with, but I was just clutching at straws.

A car showroom used to smuggle cars into the country, until they were convicted of trafficking.

I bought my wife a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle; I don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.

I’ve ordered some German food over the internet; the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

I recently bought some very expensive perfume as a gift; I’ve no common scents.

Stationery traffic has been blamed on the huge number of vehicles delivering envelopes & writing paper.

“Do you sell hot water bottles?” ~ “I’m afraid not; have you tried Boots?” ~ “Yes, but the water comes out of the lace holes”

I managed to buy twelve rare collectable postcards for only 10 US cents, but then found out they were a dime a dozen.

I decided against a takeaway, because the shop owner had a chip on his shoulder.

I drove to the supermarket with a tiny carrot; I was in such a hurry I had to take the shortest root.

Milliners are very irritable; they can get angry at the drop of a hat.


 

 

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How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb?

A small collection of ‘light bulb’ jokes; prompted by the glowing and vibrant Bright Ideas Nottingham.


How many men does it take to change a light bulb?How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? There’s no such thing as aliens… anyway they’re too short and only use glowballs.

How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the entire collective will be thinking about it.

How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s not rocket science.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’ll need at least three light bulbs.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one; they don’t like to share the spotlight.

How many librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but I can look it up for you.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? It depends on what you want them to change it into.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.

How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the new bulb probably won’t work either.

How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb might start working again.

How many historians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know; that’s not my period.

How many public relations staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re supposed to keep you in the dark.

How many voyeurs does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’d much rather watch someone else do it.

How many haters does it take to change a light bulb? None; they fear change, even if it can make the world a brighter place.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many IT tech staff does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and on again?

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? Cats don’t change light bulbs; they have servants for that.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb will change itself when it’s ready.

How many council staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; the work’s been outsourced.

How many censors does it take to change a light bulb? ███; one to ████, another to ███ while █ ███ ██ with ███.

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Four; one to change the bulb and three to brag about how big it is.

How many Thought Police does it take to change a light bulb? None; there ‘never was’ a light bulb…

How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? None; you’ll never get their attention.

How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s a hardware problem.

How many tech-support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring…

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and another to change it back again.

How many government ministers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they sack someone else for letting it go out.

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to carry out a risk assessment.

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb? Three; one to change it and two to argue about its age.

How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb? Sorry, we closed a few seconds ago.

How many proof readers does it take to light a change blub? Sorry, I didn’t sea that won.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Two; the new one and the old one.

How many advertising executives does it take to change a light bulb? None; dark is a brand new feature of the bulb.

How many chickens does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to cross the road.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? No chance, but the cat wants to know when the light will be repaired, when its food will served up and when a proper massage will begin?

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb? One; plus or minus three (small sample size).

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? None ‘o yo’ damn business!!

How many Mensa members does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb isn’t bright enough.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the bulb and one not to change it.

How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb? None; Klingons aren’t afraid of the dark.

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000.

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? Irrelevant; you will be assimilated and change it for us.

How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the light bulb and one to hold the penis, mother, I mean LADDER!

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don’t ask me how they got in there!

How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? “I can’t tell whether you mean ‘change’ a light bulb or ‘have sex’ in a light bulb. Can we reword it to remove the ambiguity?”

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to rotate it and one to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? One, no two, no four, no eight, no…

How many Catholic Priests / C of E Vicars / Orthodox Rabbis (delete as applicable) does it take to change light bulb? “Change? Change??!”

How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two; one to change it and one to protest that it should be ‘light bulb’.

How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re not interested in that short wave stuff.

How many Bob Dylan fans does it take to change a light bulb? The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.


 

 

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Even shorter jokes

Time flies like an arrowBroken pencils are pointless.

I read magazines periodically.

Clones are people two.

Geese grow up and grow down at the same time.

The writing is on the wall for graffiti.

River valleys are gorgeous.

I’m itching to visit a Flea Market.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Drilling holes for water is well boring.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

After M and T my diary says WTF.

Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8th

Queen bees often come out in hives.

I’ve sold my homing pigeon eight times on eBay.

Sparkling water is still water.

Spoonerists are teople poo.

There are many misconceptions about pregnancy.

Whales are weighed at a whale weigh station.

William Tell’s son was the apple of his eye.

People say love is blind, but I can’t see it myself.

Being castrated is a eunuch experience.

Amputations cost an arm and a leg.

Bee stings are in the hand of the bee holder.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Do hotel managers get board with their jobs?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Root canal work is deeply unnerving.

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

Why was the broom late? It overswept.

Which cheese is made backwards? Edam.

How do you get Holy Water? Boil the hell out of it.

Milliners get angry at the drop of a hat.

Noah kept bees in the ark hives.

My bucket isn’t very well; it’s a little pail.

Polite children take after their parents.

Pouring from teapots is a strain.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

Fatigues are tired uniforms.

I have a yen to visit Tokyo.

Consciousness; that annoying time between naps.

Subservient fish know their plaice.

What’s green and runs around the garden? A hedge.

Genetic scientists wear eau de clone.

When chemists die, they barium.

Electrons have mass, therefore they are Catholic.

What’s red and invisible? No tomatoes.

I’ve found a hole in my sock; darn it!

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

My ventriloquist’s dummy is already spoken for.

Aesop was famous for his foibles.

Walking on hot coals is no mean feet.

Apparently the Dalai Lama is not actually a Llama.

If you sit on a pumpkin, does it become a squash?

If a clock’s hungry it goes back four seconds.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Hermaphroditism is an end in itself.

Business is looking up for astronomers.

French philosophers vie for the meaning of life.

The French version of ‘Cats’ is a chat show.

I’m so thirsty I could drink Canada Dry.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

I’m a big fan of wind turbines.

What’s another word for thesaurus?

Idioms are for the birds.

What’s the speed of dark?

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

I avoid clichés like the plague.

What’s another word for synonym?

I don’t remember being absent minded.

Homonyms are a reel waist of thyme.

Hyperbole is the BEST THING EVER!

An unemployed jester is nobody’s fool.

What do quantum whales eat? Planckton.

The Mexican train killer had locomotives.

A knighthood would be quite a sir prize.

Whenever I see a broken lift I tend to stair.

Hunting wild pigs is boaring.

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

Lif is too short.

Turning vegan was a big missed steak.

Cuddling a cat gives you a good feline.

A good artist knows where to draw the line.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

Sign language is handy.

Tea is for mugs.

PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

I am sick and tried of auto correct jokes.

Cannibals like to meat people.

I can’t stand sitting.

I tried to catch some fog, but mist.

Life as a yo-yo has its ups and downs.

I just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.

I don’t make predictions, and I never will.

How do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

A good pun is its own reword.


 

 

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