Even More MumblingNerd Stuff

 

Even more of my previously unpublished Twitter posts and daft comments:

I’m not getting on very well with this keyboard; it’s just not my type.

I only asked for a leg of lamb from our butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.

While I was waiting at the airport recently I heard a Scottish dating advert; “Free Wife, Aye”

I’m feeling rubbish today; this always happens when I put the trash out.

An Australian friend asked me if I thought his bad eye would see better with glasses, so I said ‘Good eye might’.

I should’ve picked the cactus up with my left hand, now I feel a right prick.

I used to rest on my laurels, but then I had them cut down and a fence put up.

Does the phrase; ‘two daft male cattle’ contain more than one silly bull?

I’d always wanted to win a pastry throwing competition, but it was just pie in the sky.

I have more silent drum kits than you can shake a stick at… ah, just realised where I’m going wrong.

I have a yen to visit Tokyo.

LMAO… damn, now where am I going to sit?

The jockey who is always first past the post must be the reining champion.

Blood is thicker than water, although that’s irrelevant even when mixing fruit cordials for relatives.

The writing is on the wall for graffiti.

I’ve been involved in a dispute about sharpening tree felling tools, but then I did have an axe to grind.

Horse meat was once sold in a lot of British butcher shops, but they were flogging a dead horse.

I’ve been burning the candle at both ends and now I’m at my wicks end.

I’m so angry after being hit in the face by a fake Chinese vase; I’m faux Ming at the mouth.

I had a dream about two countries ruled by pets; it was reigning cats and dogs.

William Tell’s son was the apple of his eye.

I started to look out the window to see what the weather was up to, but decided to give it a rain check.

Pheasants, turkeys, geese, partridges, chickens and ducks; a decidedly poultry list composed entirely of fowl language.

I’m absolutely and utterly infatuated and totally LOVE hyperbole!

If you’re responsible for ripping a dollar in half then don’t pass the buck.

If Egyptians renounced the use of ketchup, would that be the sauce of denial?

I managed to buy twelve rare collectable postcards for only 10 US cents, but then found out they were a dime a dozen.

I can’t decide if I like this variable temperature hair dryer; I’m blowing hot and cold.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless the two in the bush are sought after by collectors.

A friend of ours works as a hairdresser for the police, but it wasn’t his first brush with the law.

Went to get food at a takeaway, but changed my mind because the owner had a chip on his shoulder.

Milliners are very irritable; they can get angry at the drop of a hat.

My work is piling up because of this tree trunk on my shoulders, although it’s only a small back log.

I never thought I’d determine what this gateau is; but it turned out to be a piece of cake.

I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. I’m trapped in a tiny gap next to the wall.

If a priest kept making the sign of the cross at a fancy dress party, would it be a blessing in disguise?

Avoid tabloid journalists; hack shuns speak louder than words.

I tried backing up my PC, but I had to stop when I got to the wall.

Is there any truth in the old saying “Absinthe makes the fart grow longer”?

Amputations cost an arm and a leg these days.

The vet suggested I try the carrot and stick approach with our cat, but sellotape won’t stick to the carrot, or the cat…

Using chopsticks on rice goes against the grain.

If doctor’s self medicate, do they get a taste of their own medicine?

Don’t worry about ferry crossings; we’re all in the same boat.

Take some proper topiary lessons and stop beating about the bush.

A fool and his money are easily parted; that’s why so many clowns fall for email scams.

Eco friendly computers can be constructed from the outer layers of tree trunks, but they turn out to be all bark and no byte.

Chocolate’s a good thing isn’t it? So how come you can have too much of a good thing?

Is YO! Sushi the derivation of the phrase ‘what goes around, comes around’?

‘The ability of one compound to dissolve in another compound’ ~ Surely there has to be a solution here?

Don’t repair timepieces; you’ll always be working against the clock.

The sponge is good, but the frosting is the icing on the cake.

If wind is gusting, when it ceases, is it disgusting?

Presumably McDonald’s car park ‘Reverse with care’ notice is a back-up sign?

British Waterways are encouraging canal users to change their locks regularly.

I bumped into our local Domino’s Pizza recently; if it had fallen down, would it have taken all the other Domino’s with it?

I’ve been online for hours today; so now all the washing is hanging up to dry I can get back to the internet.

My blog has a new ‘subscriber’; he’s a calligrapher and he paints signs on submarines.

I owned an abacus when I was an art student; I was part of the counter-culture.

I used to mix up ‘follicular’ and ‘funicular’, which led to some very hairy train rides.

In a recent poll 1 in 10 single men would rather have an iPad than a new partner; gives a whole new meaning to “Coming back to my pad?”

Queen Elizabeth was in Wales on the ‘second leg’ of her Diamond Jubilee tour; presumably the ‘third leg’ was the Isle of Man?

I think river valleys are gorgeous.

I’ve always been interested in the history of millinery, but it’s a bit old hat now.

I had to sell all the rabbits and pheasants, because I didn’t want to give the game away.

I’d like the sun to return, but fog will never be mist.

I drove to the supermarket with a tiny carrot; I was in such a hurry I had to take the shortest root.

I’m supercilious today; that’s like normal cilious, but I’m also wearing a cape.

Apparently the Dalai Lama is not actually a Llama.

I did a roll call in the kitchen this morning, but as none replied I had sliced wholemeal.

I’ve been checking out those ‘100 Things To Do Before You Die’ lists and not one of them has “Shout for help”.

People say love is blind, but I can’t see it myself.

The trouble with masturbation jokes is that they can rub people up the wrong way.

Oceanographers don’t like to be tide up.

Edward Scissorhands wore contact lenses; he should have gone to Specsavers.

Doughnuts are very good for you; as long as you eat the hole thing.

Reading the dictionary is tiring; by the time you reach the end it’s zzzzzzz…

Is ketchup like spring water; bottled at sauce?

Whenever I update my iPhone I get that terrible syncing feeling.

If my punning is worse as I get older; does that mean I’ve groan-up?

I was explaining something to someone when they said “I’ll take your word for it” so I’ve had them charged with plagiarism.

I’ve been obsessing over a broken handle today; I need to get a grip.

If I had an irrational fear of bridges, how would I get over it?

I saw someone tearing off a newspaper coupon today; I wish they’d cut it out.

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More MumblingNerd Stuff

Some more of my previously unpublished Twitter comments and daft stuff:

One of the doctors at our local surgery is getting very angry, he keeps losing his patients.

I’ve been trying to persuade people to become enthusiastic organ donors, but they won’t put their heart into it.

I recently bought some very expensive perfume as a gift; I’ve no common scents.

In our living room the curtains are drawn, but the rest of the furniture is real.

You can now buy lactose free milk if you’re intolerant; if my feet lacked toes I’d be intolerant.

Once when I was camping there was a terrible fire; the heat was in tents.

I just had a great idea for a pencil with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

When you empty cesspits, are you taking the piss?

A bottle of coke just fell out of the fridge onto my foot, it’s a good job it was a soft drink.

My friend’s wedding was very emotional, even the cake was in tiers.

Someone in the geometry lesson had their rubber bands confiscated; they were classed as weapons of math disruption.

I bought some Toulouse sausages today, now I can’t find them; they must have been too easy Toulouse.

My local garden centre won’t swap my old Christmas tree for a bush, but I suppose a fir exchange is no shrubbery.

Our best friend bakes bread, so we’ve signed over the deeds to our house; a friend in knead is a friend in deed.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing; I just tripped over a very small encyclopaedia.

I used far too much water to extinguish two fires, but a man’s got too dowse what a man’s got two dowse.

I fancy hurling a jug onto the beach; surely a pitcher is worth a throw sand-wards.

After much personal abuse, I got hold of an adorable painting of someone’s jaw; if you can’t stand the hate get art of the cute chin.

A yarn about a creepy shop that kept a tally of floors of buildings it sold would be a scary storey score store story. (Was that worth the effort; it wasn’t was it?)

I almost borrowed a book from the library called HOW to HUG; until I noticed it was volume twelve of an encyclopaedia…

I don’t think whoever coined the phrase ‘quiet as a mouse’ has ever stepped on one.

I usually manage to do a few exercises very early in the morning; before my brain works out that I’m not fetching chocolate.

I just suggested to our cat that he does something useful, but all he’d say was ‘Me, how?’

I used to have lots of Velcro cable grips, but I can’t find any now. I must be losing my grip.

If I climb up inside a church tower, would I be inspired?

I couldn’t drive out of a parking space today, but I had a back up plan.

Freudian slip: clothing worn under a see-through blouse.

Nuclear physics is much better than the old, cloudy physics.

Stealing a talking bird is a mynah offence.

My neighbour removed two panels and a post from our boundary; he must have taken a fence after something I said.

Parisian taxis are liable to drive you in Seine.

Where can I get a hollow victory? I have a substantial one, but it’s too heavy.

I ate a really good Thali recently, but there wasn’t any otter in the Tarka Dal.

Egyptian boatmen are in denial.

There’s a bottle in the fridge that says it’s ‘still water’; I’ll check again tomorrow to see if anything changes.

I don’t see the point of pocket calculators; who has that many pockets?

I’ve been struggling to find a new role; then I remembered two wholemeal ones in the freezer.

A friend thought I wouldn’t want a mention in their poem, but I’m not a verse to it.

If a pig gets laryngitis, would it be disgruntled?

Perfume is scent everywhere by post.

If all is not lost, where is it?

1848 ~ Horse drawn buses appeared in Nottingham, although they were inept, as the horses couldn’t hold the pencil properly.

I have one of those memory foam cushions, but I can’t remember where I put it.

After problems with my browser I had to disable some cookies; now my keyboard is clogged with crumbs.

I’m getting irritated with email & spam; simultaneously reading mail & opening a can of meat is multi-tasking.

I tried to use a chat-room while I was at the library, but they kept shushing me.

Does anyone else have problems with instant messaging? My post-its won’t stick to the monitor.

Will someone tell me how to use a spam filter? I’ve made a hell of a mess opening the last can.

I’ve been trying to save a progressive JPEG in a reactionary format, but my PC is too liberal.

This sentence has absolutely no odour; it’s complete non scents.

I saw a huge new funeral parlour opening today; it was quite an undertaking.

Where did Noah keep the woodworm, termites and woodpeckers?

Stationery traffic has been blamed on the huge number of vehicles delivering envelopes and writing paper.

The situation is posterous, although beforehand it was preposterous.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if you throw it hard enough.

The only thing you have to fear is fear itself… and bugs, and the dark, and strangers, and hairs in food, and pigeons, and door knobs…

People first arrived in North America by crossing from Russia to Alaska; they’d got lost and couldn’t get their Bering Strait.

The letters A, E and U are making me very tetchy today; apparently I’m suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.

A local police officer was bribed with just a few coins, but change is as good as arrest.

I enjoy ironing as much as oral surgery and appreciate that I very rarely have to iron, but I don’t appreciate the irony.

I dropped some very unripe stone fruit in the ocean once; just to plum the depths of tastelessness.

As a designer, am I facing in the right direction? Anyway, back to the drawing board.

In art class we had to sketch drinking straws; I drew the short straw.

Our pet chicken constantly runs up and down stairs, so we changed her name to Stephen.

The face painter at the local fête said they couldn’t paint teddies, but that’s just a bear faced lie.

Sometimes elevators get me down, but other times they’re quite uplifting.

What happens if you meet someone online, but you don’t click?

I’ve been trying very hard to sketch with correcting fluid, but I’m drawing a blank.

I’ve tried everything to end a disagreement; oak twigs, chestnut sticks, haven’t tried an olive branch yet.

I have a great bee and beef pie recipe, if anyone feels like eating hum bull pie?

If you helped a one-eyed person whose artificial glass one was in back to front, would you be turning a blind eye?

It’s really hard to persuade someone to wear two slices of bread for an art project; perhaps I should have buttered them up first?

Just had an argument about someone’s clavicle; it’s obviously going to be a bone of contention

Parents are choosing Spanish/Scandinavian names for their babies; there’s Juan Bjorn every minute.

I’ve been playing chess on the floor instead of the table; I really need to raise my game.



Do a couple of those look familiar to you? I thought so. Here am I thinking I’m being original and creative and I’m probably inadvertently copying them from somewhere else. Never mind; they’re probably the funniest ones.
:^)


 

 

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MumblingNerd Stuff

I recently listed some favourite one-liners by the hilarious Tim Vine, so I thought perhaps it’s time to post some of my own stuff:

 

MumblingNerd QuipsMy doctor told me to cut down on sodium, but I’m taking his advice with a pinch of salt.

I’ll have to grit my teeth next time I go out in this cold weather, although my teeth don’t usually ice up.

I was thinking outside of the box today; but they found me this afternoon and put me back in.

I’ve almost finished sorting out my string collection; I just need to tie up a few loose ends.

Apparently a new local priest has set the font alight; that must have been a real baptism of fire.

I entered a competition with a paint catapult and won with flying colours.

I’m tired of washing bath sheets and face cloths, so I’ve thrown the towel in.

I have ‘scarlet’ paint and a selection of new books; now to sort the books into a ‘to be red’ pile.

I’ve never had an audience eating out of the palm of my hand, but it’s a different story with pigeons.

I once designed a container to carry picnic hampers; but it turned out to be a basket case.

I’ve been reading about the Tunguska Event, a huge explosion in Siberia in 1908; it was a real blast from the past.

I’m too lazy to take up flower pressing, so I took a leaf from someone else’s book.

I’ve soundproofed the house and bought ear plugs; I’ll do anything for a quiet life.

Does anyone else really hate walking on wet clay; or am I just an old stick in the mud?

A grandmother’s entire estate was willed to her hairdresser; that was a bad heir day.

A pirate and a shepherd were fighting; determined to win by hook or by crook.

Someone broke my umbrella; I take umbrage at that!

I currantly love raisins.

There’s an author named Amber Greene with a novel called ‘Traffic Signal Sequence’ Has anyone read Amber Greene?

If exits are on the way out, are bathroom scales on the weigh in?

Impotence just means no hard feelings.

I followed a trail of pencil graphite right to the end of our yard; I think I’ve been lead up the garden path.

Our cat Max really hates climbing; he’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

I took up brewing because I like draught beer, but in the end, I bottled it.

Honey seems to be all the rage at the moment; I blame the powers that bee.

I visited the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals office; it’s so small there’s not enough room to swing a cat.

I’ve just realised that worrying does work; 90% of the things I worry about have never happened.

Hermit crabs don’t like having to shell out for a new home.

I saw someone play a violin on children’s TV today; I thought they weren’t allowed to depict violins in children’s programs?

Zoos in North America get rid of their lions at the end of each summer; determining that pride goes before a fall.

I’m very good at startling ducks and chickens, but I wouldn’t say boo to a goose.

I was just about to leave the office when I spilt hot chocolate all over my out tray; still, it’s all in a day’s work.

The council may build a library in the middle of the tracks at the local railway station; that’s reading between the lines.

I ate a delicious creamy gooseberry fool today; it gave me indigestion, but I do suffer fools gladly.

An old bylaw inflicts a financial penalty on anyone carrying salmon in a boiling pot; that’s a fine kettle of fish.

Ironically, I looked ridiculous sitting part way up a tree; I should have satire.

I’ve been told that I make terrible wine because I’m using my own vine fruit, but it’s probably just sour grapes.

The nuns that embroidered either end of the 230 feet long Bayeux tapestry never met; sew near and yet sew far.

This obsession with appearance is getting out of control; I’ve just found these letters wearing toupees: ã ĩ ñ.

In the juice bar today I tried to grab something to drink my orange through, but I was just clutching at straws.

The guys delivering a load of sand to me say it’s been delayed, ah well, the best late plans of my sand men.

I found a great site that sells sausages online; but the link’s broken.

Only older people seem to be queuing in the hordes at the theatre; but I suppose every crowd has a silver line in.

Future alien visitors may well appear in strange forms, but that’s just the shape of things to come.

Genetically modified flowers are fashionable; the Fuchsia’s bright, the Fuchsia’s orange.

A local brass band is recruiting musicians, but I’m reluctant to blow my own trumpet.

I’ve got chocolate all over my earphones; still, I always wanted to be a chocolatier.

Our milkman is legend dairy.

I’m going to a local shop for the first time; I’ve no idea what’s in store.

I really feel in shape today; it’s just a pity it’s the wrong shape

Took me ages to remove the food stains from the doctor’s invoice, but at last I have a clean bill of health.

I have pony spittle all down my arm and that’s straight from the horse’s mouth.

Took a hammer to a new neighbour’s freezer today; just trying to break the ice.

I’m putting off working some bread dough, but I knead to knuckle down.

Trouser zipper manufacturers are dropping like flies.

I’m sure this blueprint’s the wrong way round; back to the drawing board.

It’s time to put an end to punctuation disputes, full stop.

With middle age spread all good thins come to an end.

Is calling a puppy ‘Putrid’ giving a dog a bad name?

Is circumcision a fore gone conclusion?

My head is resting against a violin; I’ve no idea why, I’ll just have to play it by ear.

I’ve a needlework exam today; I’m pinning my hopes on it, but I’m sew nervous I needle little encouragement.

I had forty winks earlier; now my eye’s sore, two people slapped me and only one winked back.

I just Googled the price of amputations; they cost an arm and a leg.

Cutting a gateau into slices looks difficult; turns out it’s a piece of cake.

Bought my wife a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle; don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.

I’ve ordered some German food off the internet; the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

 

 

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Cracker Jokes!

I thought I’d round off the year with a few appalling cracker jokes …

Cracker JokesWho’s the bane of Santa’s life? ~ The elf and safety officer

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? ~ He got 25 days

What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave? ~ He gives them the sack

Where does Father Christmas go to recover after Christmas? ~ An elf farm

What did Santa say to the smoker? ~ Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? ~ It’s Christmas, Eve

What is the best Christmas present in the world? ~ A broken drum, you just can’t beat it

What did the cat get while crossing the desert at Christmas? ~ Sandy claws

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the New Year’s Eve party? ~ Because he had no body to go with

When is a boat like a pile of snow? ~ When it’s adrift

What’s an underground train full of professors called? ~ A tube of Smarties (probably only works in UK English)

What type of room has no windows or doors? ~ A mushroom

Why don’t robots have brothers? ~ Because they only have trans-sisters

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? ~ Dam

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time? ~ One day my prints will come

What do you call two happy mushrooms? ~ Fun guys

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? ~ Three: the left ear, the right ear & the final front ear

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory? ~ Because he couldn’t concentrate

What has four legs and goes ‘Boo’? ~ A cow with a cold

Why did the atheist cross the road? ~ So he could see both sides

What do you give a dog for Christmas? ~ A mobile bone

How did the beaver get online? ~ He logged on

Why do birds fly south in winter? ~ Because it’s too far to walk

What do you give to a man who has everything? ~ Antibiotics

Who invented fractions? ~ Henry the 1/8th

What do you call two robbers? ~ A pair of knickers

Where are the Andes? ~ On the end of your armies

What do toilets and anniversaries have in common? ~ Men always miss them

Why can’t a bike stand up by itself? ~ Because it’s two-tired

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? ~ A nervous wreck

What is black and white and noisy? ~ A zebra with a drum kit

What do witches use to wrap their presents? ~ Spello-tape

What do you call a train loaded with toffee? ~ A chew chew train

Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers? ~ In case he got a hole in one

What’s grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow? ~ An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth

What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? ~ Freeze a jolly good fellow

What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? ~ Nacho Cheese

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bedside clock? ~ An alarm cluck

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch? ~ Because the referee whistled for a fowl

Why is Europe like a frying pan? ~ Because it has Greece at the bottom

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? ~ A mince spy

Why don’t penguins fly? ~ Because they’re not tall enough to be pilots

There were two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said: ‘Can you smell carrots?’

Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch? ~ Because he was the skipper

How did the Vikings send secret messages? ~ By Norse code

What kind of lighting did Noah use on the ark? ~ Floodlights

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? ~ Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot

What’s the slogan for the Eskimo lottery? ~ You’ve got to be Inuit to win you it

How do monkeys make toast? ~ Stick some bread under a gorilla

How do you hire an elephant? ~ Stand it on four bricks

Why was Cinderella thrown off the team? ~ Because she ran away from the ball

What sits on the beach and cackles? ~ A sand witch

Which cheese is made backwards? ~ Edam…

What would you get if all the cars in Britain were red? ~ A red carnation

What’s brown and creeps around the house? ~ Mince spies

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party? ~ He had no body to go with

What did one lift say to the other? ~ I think I’m coming down with something

And, lastly, one of my favourites…

What’s ET short for? ~ Because he’s only got little legs

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A man walks into a bar…

Fairly short ones…

A man walks into a bar…A man walks into a bar with jump cables. The bartender says “You can come in, but don’t start anything!”

Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks…

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. “What do you call him?” asks the bartender. “I call him Tiny, because he’s my newt!”

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Give me a beer, and a mop.”

A soccer ball walks into a bar; the bartender kicks him out.

A baseball walks into a bar; the bartender throws him out.

A man walks into a bar and says “Ouch.”

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says “Can I help you?” The duck says “Yes, you can get this man off my butt!”

A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says “Want to hear a good joke?” The corn stalk says “I’m all ears!”

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The bartender says “I’m not serving you; you’re out of your skull!”

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What is this, a joke?”

or…

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks for a beer. “I can’t serve you.” says the bartender “You’re Bard!”

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks “What can I get you?” The goldfish says “Water.”

A dolphin walks into a bar. The bartender ignores it on porpoise.

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Give me a beer and put it on my bill.”

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says “In all the time I’ve been tending bars, I’ve never served a weasel. What can I get you?” “Pop” goes the weasel.

A pterodactyl walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Ptwo ptequilas, pthanks.”

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks “Would you like a beer?” Descartes replies “I think not” and disappears.

A bear walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a beer………………………..and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says “Why the big pause?”

A baby seal walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” asks the bartender. “Anything but a Canadian Club” replies the seal…

Ironically, a baby seal walks into a club.

A horse walks into a bar. It earns a four fault penalty.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “So, why the long face?”

A warhorse walks into a bar. The bartender says “So, why the long film?”

A Norse walks into a bar. The bartender says “So, why the long boat?”

The Eiger walks into a bar. The bartender says “So, why the North Face?”

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a bar. He looks around and announces “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”

A Scotsman walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear. He says to the bartender “What’s this, a boot?”

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a ‘double entendre’. So the bartender gave her one…

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks “Do I come here often?”

A man walks into a bar… and fails to win the International Limbo Championships.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

A blind man walks into a bar…

A ventriloquist walks into a gar…

An untalented gymnast walks into a bar…

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks “Olive or twist?”

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar…

C, E flat and G walk into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, no minors.”

A Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here!”

A man walks into a bar and says “C a n I h a v e a p i n t p l e a s e ?” The bartender replies “Are you okay? You sound a bit spaced out.”

A pedant walks into a tavern, because of course ‘bar’ means the serving counter rather than the establishment itself. He drinks alone.

A man walks into a bar and orders 15 litres of wine. The bartender asks if he brought a container. He replies; “You’re speaking to it.”

A man walks into a bar and requests a large glass of prune juice. The bartender asks “Is that to go?”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says “A beer please, and one for the road.”

A bar of gold walks into a bar, a bar of silver turns around and says, “AU, get out of here!”

A man walks into a bar in Trinidad and the bartender says “If you’re here about the limbo dancer job you’ve just failed.”

A meme walks into a bar. The barman says “Drinks for everyone?” The meme asks why and the barman replies “Because you’re getting around.”

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

The bartender says “We don’t serve time travellers here.” A time traveller walks into a bar.

Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, he says “Damn, I forgot to feed the dog.”

The Sahara walks into a bar. The bartender says “Long time, no sea.”

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and asks for five beers.

A cowboy walks into a bar wearing paper clothes. The bartender asks him what he’s doing and the cowboy replies “Rustling…”

A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bartender here?”

Medium sized ones…

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse serving drinks. The horse says “What are you staring at? Have you never seen a horse serving drinks?” The man says “No, I just didn’t think parrot would sell the bar.”

A grasshopper hops in to a bar. The bartender says “You’re quite a celebrity here; we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun at the bus stop. He goes up to her and punches her in face. She falls down and he screams “Not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

Two yoghurts walk into a bar. “We don’t serve your kind in here” says the bartender. A yoghurt asks “Why not, we’re cultured.”

Dr Watson was in a bar, it was past closing time and he was a bit drunk. “Come on” said the barman “Haven’t you got Holmes to go to?”

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his trousers. The bartender asks “Isn’t that uncomfortable?” The pirate responds “Aarrrr, its driving me nuts.”

A Roman centurion walked into a bar and asked for a martinus. The bartender said; “Don’t you mean a martini?” The centurion replied; “If I’d wanted a double I would have asked!”

A saw and a hammer go into a bar and some other tools join them; the saw turns to the hammer and says “You know the drill, don’t you?”

A pig walks into a bar orders ten beers. When he’s finished, the bartender asks “Don’t you need the toilet?” The pig says “No, I go wee wee wee all the way home.”

A penguin waddles into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender asks “I don’t know, what does he look like?”

Very slightly longer ones…

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a woman and a dog. The man asks “Does your dog bite?” The woman answers “Never!” The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The woman replies “He doesn’t. This isn’t my dog.”

A man walks into a bar holding an alligator. He asks the bartender “Do you serve lawyers here?” The bartender says “Yes, we do!” “Good,” replies the man “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”

A blind man walks into a bar with a guide dog. When he reaches the centre of the room, he picks the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around. The bartender says “Hey, what the hell are you doing?” The blind man says “Just having a look around…”

A pony walks into a bar and coughs “Hi, COUGH. Give me a bu COUGH, a beer COUGH.” The bartender serves him and says “What’s the matter with your voice?” The pony says “Nothing, I’m just a little hoarse.”

A man walks into a bar and notices big lumps of meat hanging from the ceiling. He says to the bartender “Why have you got all this meat hanging around?” The barman says “It’s a little bet that we’re running. If you can jump up and grab a piece of meat in your mouth then you get all of your drinks bought for you, but if you fail you have to buy everyone else in the bar their drinks for them. Do you want to try it?” The man shakes his head and says “No, the steaks are too high.”

A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says “That’ll be £2.50.” The leprechaun puts two pound coins on the bar and starts walking away. The bartender shouts “You’re a little short!”

A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind.” The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says “Weren’t you just in here?” The rope replies “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

A very small man walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a huge rough looking man walks into the bar and also slips on the vomit. The small man says “I just did that” and gets punched in the face.

A kangaroo hops into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “That’ll be £10. We don’t get many kangaroos coming in here, you know.” The kangaroo says “At £10 a beer, it’s not surprising.”

A bird walks into a bar and asks the barman “Got any bread?”
The barman says “No.”
“Got any bread?” “No.”
“Got any bread?” “No.”
“Got any bread?” “No, and if you keep asking I’ll nail your beak to the bar.”
“Got any nails?” “No.”
“Got any bread?”

A man walks into a bar and from a bowl of peanuts hears a voice say “I think you look great.” Then he hears the cigarette machine say “I have never seen such an ugly face.” He tells the bartender, who replies “The bowl of peanuts was complimentary, but the cigarette machine is just out of order.”

An Indian, a Frenchman, a Swede, a Brazilian, an Australian, a Chinaman, a German, an American, a Canadian, an Italian, a South African, a Scotsman, a Dane, an Argentinian, a Nigerian and a Russian walked into a bar. But the barman said; “You can’t come in here without a Thai”

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. He notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says “Would you like a pint?” Vincent replies “No, thanks, I’ve got one ear.”

A scientist walks into a bar…

A microbiologist walks into a bar and asks for a small one.

A geneticist walks into a bar to buy a drink and says to the bartender; “I think I have some change in my jeans.”

A climate change scientist walks into a bar and says; “Where’s the ice?”

A seismologist walks into a bar and asks for their drink to be shaken and not stirred.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Give me ten times the number of drinks everybody in here is drinking.” The bartender replies; “Now that is an order of magnitude.”

f(x)=2x+1 walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender replies; “I’m sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”

A man walks into A::f() and asks for a drink. The bartender replies; “I’m sorry, this is a private function.”

Two robots walk into a bar. The third one had a better steering program.

A blowfly walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Is that stool taken?”

An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says; “We don’t serve your kind in here.” It replies; “Well, you’re not a very good host.”

A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender yells; “Get out!” It leaves without putting up any resistance.

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says; “Get out, we don’t allow noble gases in here!” Argon doesn’t react.

A neutrino passes through a bar.

A planetologist walks into a bar and chats to Vastitas Borealis; “Long time, no sea.”

Schrödinger walks into a bar with a box, which is searched; “Did you know there’s a dead cat in here?” He replies; “Well, now I do!”

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. Or doesn’t.

An electron and a positron go into a bar.
Positron: “You’re round.”
Electron: “Are you sure?”
Positron: “I’m positive.”

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first says, “Yes, I’m positive…”

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”.

Two chemists walk into a bar. One orders H2O. The other says “I’ll have H2O too.” The second one dies.

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