Tim Vine is an English actor, writer, TV host and hilarious stand-up comedian, his stand-up act mainly consists of quick-fire one-line ‘groaner’ jokes and word play.
He won the funniest joke of the year at the Edinburgh Fringe in 2010. His winning joke was ‘I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.’
Anyway, to the point of this post, here’s a selection of Tim Vine’s famous one-liner gags:
The advantage of easy origami is twofold…
I was in the Army once and the sergeant said to me ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said ‘I give up!’
I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!
So I rang up British Telecom and said ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’ He said ‘Not you again’
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one’
I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said ‘Put it back’
I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing; serves him right
Albinos; you can’t say fairer than that
So I said to this train driver ‘I want to go to Paris’ He said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘I’ve been on telly, but I’m no Dean Martin’
Beware of Alphabet Grenades; if you throw them, it could spell disaster
I saw this advert that said ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full’ I thought ‘I can’t turn that down’
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
Black beauty; he’s a dark horse
I wanted to be a milkman; but I didn’t have the bottle
I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from’
I said to the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said ‘How flexible are you?’ I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’
My mate said to me ‘Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?’ I said ‘Cors-i-can!’
I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox
I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags; he’s bisatchel
I went to the local supermarket. I said ‘I want to make a complaint; this vinegar’s got lumps in it’ He said ‘Those are pickled onions’
I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything; trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past; it was a bit choppy
I used go out with an anaesthetist; she was a local girl
Did you know that if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it would give birth to a litter of Twiglets?
So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are’
During the war, my grandfather could not stop scribbling; he got hit by a Doodlebug
I’ve got a front door made from sponge; don’t knock it
I’ve played football on a plane, you know… there I was, running up the wing!
I threw some snow at my girlfriend; she didn’t catch my drift
Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They’ve formed The Doors
I went to the icecream shop and said ‘I want to buy an icecream’ He said ‘Hundreds and thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with the one’
When I left home, my mum said ‘Don’t forget to write’ I thought ‘That’s unlikely; it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?’
Velcro… what a ripoff
So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Weggie Kray
I went to the record shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’
What do you call a lady with big teeth who sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen
I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui
When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up
Exit signs; they’re on the way out aren’t they?
This bloke said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of your trouser leg and put it in a library’ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books’
So I went to the dentist. He said ‘Say Aaah.’ I said ‘Why?’ He said ‘My dog’s died’
The price of hearing aids has gone up? Deaf people across the country are going ‘how much?’
I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you’
I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil; crematoriums
I’m not very good at magic; I can only do half of a trick. Yes, I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle
My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong
I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’
So I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue’ I said ‘No, just a watch’
I went into a shop and I said ‘Can someone sell me a kettle’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said ‘Where is he?’
I went to a pet shop. I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’
I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels’ He said ‘You’ve got cholera’
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R
I was reading this book today, ‘The History of Glue’ and I couldn’t put it down
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on
My mate asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work?’ I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me’
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said ‘I want you to trace someone for me’
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said ‘No, it’s a permanent job’
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says ‘Audi!’
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said ‘Nearest the bull goes first’ He went ‘Baah’ and I went ‘Moo’ He said ‘You’re closest’
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny; you couldn’t swing a cat in there
I stole things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts
Whenever I’m in Italy I become a rickety old table. I guess I’m just a hopeless Rome antique
After I’ve had an argument I sometimes hold a Hoover over my head. It helps clear the air
The other day I sat on a hairdryer. That put the wind up me
This bloke said to me, he said I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away. I said that’s a bit far-fetched
This reporter said to me, he said how would you describe the absence of Haley’s flaming meteorite? I said no comet
I’m amazed how many people go to Ascot when it’s windy. Still, hats off to them
Me and my brother inherited some furniture from the local zoo. I’m glad to say I got the lion’s chair
I was skiing through Tie Rack and I fell down an 80-foot cravat
So I saw this bloke who was a cross between an ostrich and a serial killer. He was always burying other people’s heads in the sand
The other day I tied my head to a dog’s tail. I just fancied a bit of a chinwag
So I saw this bloke with a 1.2-litre engine halfway down his arm. I said more power to your elbow
I don’t like my hands. I always keep them at arm’s length
Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes
BNAG – that’s BANG out of order!
I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly
So I said to my Mum I’m going to the funfair. She said Oooooh will you go on the Ghost train? I said No, I’ll walk
So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I’d like to rent Batman Forever. I said No, just for two hours!
I decided to sell my Hoover… well it was just collecting dust.
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11 thoughts on “Tim Vine One-line Groaners”
TV is a genius.
My wife came back from the shops yesterday ,she said she had bought a Harry Potter Invisibility cloak, I said you will have to take it back “I can’t see you wearing it ! “..
I was watching telly the other day and a midget was being thrown from a high prison window , My wife thought it was funny , I said thats “a Little Con-descending”.
My wife joined Weightwatchers the other day, and was told the first month was “all about finding ya feet”……
The government are considering banning pot-holing…but that would only drive it underground.
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From Milton Jones:
“Militant feminists; I take my hat off to them – they hate that!”
“Years ago, I used to supply Filofaxes to the Mafia – I was involved in very organised crime!”
More from Tim Vines:
!I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – well, it was only collecting dust!”
“Advent calendars – their days are numbered!”
“This chap said he was going to attack me with the neck of his guitar. I said, “Is that a fret?””
im collecting pails its on my bucket list
I asked pizza can you deliver me a 10 ft. High Hawaiian. The guy said it’s a bit of a tall order