My long-haired friend was fired from the hot dog stand for putting his hair in a bun.
I can’t choose between silver and gold; it could be either ore.
An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks; the nephew is now busy winding up the estate.
I find falling asleep is so easy I could do it with my eyes closed.
Forklift truck drivers don’t like puns; they find them unpalletable.
If a tortoise doesn’t have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
The new Elvis Presley themed steakhouses are for people who love meat tender.
Tractors are magic; I followed one recently that suddenly turned into a field.
To oceanographers, things are never bad, they’re abyss-mal.
Lightning always shocks people, because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.
Do ambassadors stay healthy because of diplomatic immunity?
A relative ate wheat even though he was allergic to it; he was a gluten for punishment.
Good King Wenceslas likes his pizza deep-pan, crisp and even.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!
The boy stood on the burning deck; it was the only way he could put out the flames on his pack of cards.
If a spider lives in a maize field, does it make cob webs?
Fish take their holidays in Finland.
I asked a horse if he had a dollar. He replied “No, but I have fore quarters.”
Autocorrect is always making me post things I didn’t Nintendo.
‘Do not touch’ must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.
My goal was to lose 14lbs this year, I’ve only 20lbs to go now…
Some things are so easy today; as a youngster I had to struggle through 10 feet of shag pile carpet to change the TV channel.
Do I have to seize the day; can’t I just poke it gently with a stick?
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol can double your vision.
Why buy something for £3 when you can make it yourself with £65 worth of craft materials?
My parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Apparently this is now called identity theft…
The first rule of the Railway Enthusiasts Book Club is to not read between the lines.
Two scientists studying fungi and algae became friends after they took a lichen to each other.
When psychiatrists give presents, are they always shrink wrapped?
A friend lost his left arm and left leg in an accident; he’s all right now.
I saw an exceptionally good scarecrow; it was out standing in its field.
My friend left her gloves in a secluded cave, still, they were hermits.
A man, who dreamt he was a wheel on a car and then a catalytic converter, woke up tired and exhausted.
A farmer has a herd of 200 cattle; he thought there were only 197 until he rounded them up.
I’ve damaged some small pieces of my chess set, so I took them to a pawn broker.
One of my ancestors tried prospecting for gold, but it didn’t pan out.
The local priest has been making the Sign of the Cross so often; he’s had to stop counting his blessings.
Cows wear cowbells because their horns don’t work.
I was going to procrastinate now, but I’ve decided to do it later.
Would you be in Seine if you jumped off a bridge in Paris?
A burglar fell into a cement mixer and became a hardened criminal.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I bought a birthday card shaped like a boomerang; it said ‘Many Happy Returns’.
What do you get if you cross a canary with a mole? A mynah bird.
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
In a Chinese geography test Peking is no longer allowed.
I had a very happy childhood. Dad loved to put me inside a tyre and roll me downhill. Those were the good years.
The Canadian government has set up a lottery, only for people in the north. You have to be Inuit to win it.
I phoned Seaworld the other day. They told me, ‘your call may be monitored for training porpoises.’
“You won’t like me when I’m angry. I back up my rage with documented facts and sources.” ~ The Credible Hulk
If you divide the diameter of a jack-o’-lantern by its circumference, do you get pumpkin Pi?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine yesterday is now fully recovered.
My neighbour couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist, so he was repossessed.
Police have been called to a nursery where a child was resisting a rest.
I’ve washed a set of hand bells, but I can’t wring them out.
The inebriated optician only had two glasses before he made a spectacle of himself.
I’ve just bought a three season bed; there’s no spring.
A friend of mine ran into a sieve, but he just strained himself.
Most money is tainted; it taint yours and it taint mine.
I was taken ill at the airport; it was serious, but not terminal.
I apologise; I saw a chiropractor, not an osteopath. I stand corrected.
The Dutchman with inflatable footwear has popped his clogs.
If you ate a lifetime’s supply of chocolate in one day, should you be worried?
I could explain why I have a superiority complex, but I doubt you’d understand.
When it comes to dictionaries, everyone is past caring.
People who copy and paste jokes from Facebook are idiots. Like • Comment • Share A few seconds ago
Will you buy me chocolate? (A) Yes – (B) A – (C) B
Went to buy 6 cans of Sprite recently; it was only when I got home that I realised I’d picked 7up.
lol = Drowning Man. *lol* = Drowning Cheerleader.
I’ve just been given a framed picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa; I can’t get the damn thing to hang straight.
You should never run away from your problems. Unless your problem is a very large predator with big teeth.
We’ve just bought a new fridge; you should have seen my face light up when I opened it.
Tough, hard, durable… Sorry, I don’t usually use strong language.
I’ve attached a clock to a mirror; now I have time for reflection.
German no-frills supermarkets are taking over the country Lidl by Lidl, but Aldi you stop it?
Interesting, my new keyboard has a safety notice: “WARNING Using this keyboard may cause drowsi
I’ve just realised; the dawn chorus involves an awful lot of RTs.
Another washday and another sad statistic; the divorce rate among our socks is shocking.
If I had to describe myself with three words they would be “I’m really bad at maths”.
The Zen Master went up to the hot-dog stand and said; “Make me one with everything.”
I used to think I had attention deficit disorder, but now I’m n… Oooh look an insect!
The dentist and the manicurist fought tooth and nail.
I found an illegally parked frog in the garden and had it toad away.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold. They also say revenge is sweet. Basically revenge is ice cream.
Apparently the main ingredient in anti-bacterial hand wash is paranoia.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.
I’m a graphic designer by day and dragon slayer by knight.
Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism, stealing from many people is research.
Learn to laugh at your own problems; everyone else does.
People think I’m too patronising… that means I talk down to people.
Buses stop at a bus station, trains stop at a train station; now I’m concerned about my work station.
When life gives you lemons, squeeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult.
I just watched a pirated movie; it got 3.14 stars.
And the award for incomplete tweets goes to
Would you like to know my secret to being a successful mime artist? I’m saying nothing.
What do we want? A cure for pyromania! When do we want it? Got a light?
The letter seven is my favourite colour of the periodic table of elephants.
Weetabix was called Betabix while it was in its production stage.
Why is the third hand on a clock called a second hand?
Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is gridlocked traffic called rush hour?
Why can’t you buy mouse flavoured cat food?
Why is the Department of the Interior in charge of everything outside?
When you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo.
If you’re injured by a dictionary, is it physical or verbal abuse?
If you’re tempted to fight fire with fire, just remember that the Fire Service often uses water.
I often say no to chocolate, but it just doesn’t listen.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I found the key to success once, but I think someone changed the lock.
Don’t be tempted by cheap hair removal offers; they’re a rip-off.
Did you know there are interstate highways in Hawaii?
If carrots are good for your eyes, why are there so many dead rabbits on the road?
I put on some lipstick today, but I can still move my lips.
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it still called skinny-dipping if you’re no longer skinny?
If four out of five people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
Why isn’t a group of squids called a squad?
I’m really addicted to Spanish-Arab architecture; it’s just so Moorish.
What’s the difference between ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’?
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many people is research.
During a game of Monopoly the Boot and the Car met by Chance.
What’s large, grey and doesn’t matter? An Irrelephant.
I once bought a dog from a blacksmith; when I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
Our dachshund has died; it met its end sniffing round a lamp post.
I’ve removed all the rear-view mirrors in my car and haven’t looked back since.
As a waiter I was put in charge of the condiments, but I couldn’t cut the mustard.
A really bad impressionist walked into a bar and the barman said: “Why the wrong face?”
I’ve noticed that it’s a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Seagulls live near the sea because if they lived near a bay, they’d be bagels.
I saw a skunk fall into a river once; it stank to the bottom.
Things I hate:
Now I’m older, when I have a party my neighbours don’t even notice.
I once had a job delivering telegrams, but I had to [STOP].
I was tempted to post a cannibal joke, but I realised it was in bad taste.
I’ve been feeling down in the mouth since my feather pillow split.
My torch batteries need replacing; I’m delighted.
I’ve always found that the best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
I try to avoid funerals; I’m not really a mourning person.
Pinning things on a notice board always seems a bit tacky to me.
Which is worse; ignorance or apathy? Who knows! Who cares!
I dyed some of my hair today; it was the highlight of my week.
My English teacher always told me that double negatives are a real no-no.
You’ll never guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians. Everyone.
Necessity is the mother of Invention; we all have quite unusual names in our family.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
I had a bat and ball for Christmas. The ball’s fun, but the bat just hangs upside down in the cellar.
I never make mistakes… I thought I did once; but I was wrong.
What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it man.
I used to keep a torch on my hat, but it made me feel light headed.
What’s the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally.
When I was learning to ride a horse I had trouble dismounting, so the tutor derided me.
People in Saudi Arabia don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
Why are pirates called pirates? They just AarrRR!
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff, ba dum tish!
If Apple made cars, would they have Windows?
US scientists are hoping to make a quick buck by combining deer and greyhound DNA.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field. It’s a tough job, but hay, it’s in his jeans.
I used to enjoy going to fancy dress parties as a fish, but it’s wearing a little fin now.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roaming Catholic.
If you say ‘gullible’ slowly it sounds like ‘oranges’.
Someone knocked on our door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool; apparently a glass of water isn’t acceptable.
I know multitasking is a myth, but I can still waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.
Life is all about perspective; the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
Aren’t people annoying when they use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Intelligence is like underwear; it’s important to have it, but not to show it off.
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
What’s an ig? ~ An Inuit home without a loo.
Why did cowboys always die with their boots on? So they wouldn’t stub their toes when they kicked the bucket.
My Aunt is a flamboyant nun. She wears clerical clothing studded with semiprecious stones; it’s an expensive habit.
What do you call a snowman with sunburn? A puddle.
Whatever you do, don’t type ‘part a’ backwards; it’s a trap!
If you ever feel as though your job is meaningless, just remember; it’s someone’s job to fit indicators to BMW’s.
I asked my boss, “Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” He said, “Just pop it in the corner.” It took me three hours.
Think of a number between 1 and 20, add 32, multiply by 2 and add 1. Now close your eyes.
Dark isn’t it?
Men never really grow up; it’s just that some of us learn how to act in public. Sometimes.
Neptune’s son doesn’t do very well at school; his grades are all below C level.
ASCII stupid question and get a stupid ANSI.
I just bought a new universal remote controller. This really changes everything.
I’m a social vegetarian; I try to avoid meet.
I went to a night club and the manager sat me next to a hole in the carpet so I could see the floor show.
Apparently sheep can help you to fall asleep, and some people count on that.
Today went well until a seabird stole my German sausage; that was a tern for the wurst.
I normally have no problem with dairy, but I’m extremely lack toast intolerant at breakfast time.
Five out of six people agree that Russian roulette is safe.
I can only sleep on stacks of old magazines; I have back issues.
I don’t like afternoon funerals, but I’m not really a mourning person either.
I intended to go to a fancy dress party as Harry Potter’s godfather, but my wife said “You can’t be Sirius”.
I ordered a jumbo sausage at our chip shop, but they said it wouldn’t be long, so I asked for two.
I woke up this morning with a spoon in my mouth, a tea bag on my nose and milk in my right ear; I’m sick of being treated like a mug.
I’m almost certain that my spell Czech is broken.
If you rearrange the letters of ‘Postmen’, they get very annoyed.
I’m eating a bun filled with ham and pineapple; that’s just Hawaii roll.
I’m not a fan of lemon preserve; it’s just a curd to me.
I’ve eaten too much Middle Eastern food and now I falafel.
Lollipop men and women make me cross.
My neighbour’s dog is magic; it’s a Labracadabrador.
Our wifi wasn’t working earlier, so I spent some time with my family; they seem like nice people.
Two horses are in a field on a cold winter’s night. One horse says to the other; “I don’t know about you but I’m Friesian”.
What’s the difference between a horse and the weather? One is reined up and the other rained down…
What’s the difference between weather and climate? You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate…
When two weather presenters each broke both legs, they had problems with their four casts…
Dr Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition, but it was only much later that he realised he had misunderstood the objective.
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.
Numbers that aren’t divisible by two seem odd to me.
You shouldn’t steal kitchen utensils, unless it’s a whisk you’re willing to take.
Two blood cells met and fell in love, but sadly it was all in vein.
Last night I had a nightmare about Gloria Gaynor; at first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Grammar Nazis are now calling themselves the alt-write.
I know the name of every turtle. I have turtle recall.
Death, War, Famine and Pestilence all caught a cold; they were the Four Hoarse Men of the Apocalypse.
Why can’t pirates recite the letters of the alphabet? Because they always get lost at C…
At the last appointment my doctor said he would have to draw some blood, but unfortunately his sketch pad was full.
What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot? Mitosis.
A truck delivering cheese from France has exploded; there was nothing left but de Brie.
Last night I was so drunk I took the bus home. I’ve never driven a bus before.
The first rule of Introvert Club: there is no Introvert Club.
I’ve given up spell check for Lint.
I’ve been bread making. The white and wholemeal loaves were a great success; now I’m on a roll.
I answered the phone today and heard lots of sniffing and sneezing; cold callers can be so annoying.
The Beach Boys walk into a bar…
“Get a round”
“I get a round, yeah?”
“Get a round!”
“Round, round, I get a round…”
I thought I saw Michael J. Fox at the garden centre, but it was hard to tell as he had his back to the fuchsias.
If a polygamist has already married nine times, will his next marriage mean he is decimated?
My childhood friends were paid for being good, but we were so poor that I was good for nothing.
Mountains aren’t just funny; they are hill areas.