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Janis Ellen Lewin (nee Manterfield)

7 September 1957 – 9 November 2017

 

Janis Ellen Lewin (nee Manterfield) 1957 - 2017 (A4)Monday the 27th of November 2017 was a very sad day. It was the funeral of my lovely sister Janis. I wanted to mark the day in memory of a very special person.

Janis was wife to John, Mother to Amy and Tom, Sister-in-Law to Sue, Aunt to Alice, relative and friend to many others and my only sibling.

Janis’s funeral took place at Loughborough Crematorium at 11am, with a wake afterwards at The White Horse on Leicester Road in Quorn. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but the turn out for her funeral was astonishing. The crematorium was completely full, all the seats were taken and people were standing all around the room from end to end.

Order of Service for Janis's funeral (27 Nov 2017)

This is the eulogy that John, Amy and Tom Lewin put together, read by Suzanne Buckeridge during the service:

“Janis Ellen Manterfield was born on the 7 September 1957 in the family home at 5 Front Street, Birstall to Dennis and Betty Manterfield. A sister for older brother Roy. Jan’s father gave her the nickname ‘Pod’ because she was so small when she was born, he thought she looked like a pea in a pod. This affectionate nickname stayed with her all her life. Growing to the height of 4ft 10½” tall (always aspiring to be 5ft, but never quite making it!), Pod was living proof that good things come in small packages!

Two years after Jan was born, the Manterfield family moved to 56 Denegate Avenue in Birstall, with a big garden that was landscaped by Dennis. Janis loved spending time in the garden with her Dad; making bonfires, planting seeds, and drinking cups of tea. The large garden also enabled them to have many family pets; so many that at one time the nickname ‘Manterfield Menagerie’ was coined! The pets ranged from dogs and cats, all the way through to Charlie Jones the tortoise. The Manterfields were an active family, going on family holidays around Britain, and regularly attending clubs, such as the Bowmen of Birstall.

Janis left school at 16, and after 6 months at BPX Electrical she moved to the British United Shoe Machinery Company where her parents worked. It was also the place where she met a long haired, bearded individual called John Lewin. Jan always got a lift to work with her Dad, so before work started, she would sit in his office reading the paper. Janis was initially cool to John’s advances and decided instead to hide behind her newspaper when he visited the department. A decade later, fate played a hand when John was on a Saturday night out with ‘the boys’ and happened to bump into Jan. John asked Jan if she would like to go out for Sunday lunch the following day and she agreed. 

After a couple of years together, John and Jan planned their first holiday abroad – to the Greek island of Santorini. This first holiday to Greece was very memorable because one night, while walking on the beach in the sunset, John got down on one knee in the waves. It was a good job that Jan said ‘yes’, as the tide was coming in; John had wet trousers all the way back to the apartment!

John and Jan were married on the 2 August 1986, after another holiday in Greece. When the DJ announced that it was time for the first dance, instead of ‘Always and Forever’ as they were expecting, the opening bars of ‘Zorba’s dance’ started playing as John’s friends arrived dressed as Greek dancers! Throughout their time together, Jan and John enjoyed many wonderful holidays to Greece, France, Turkey, Egypt, America and more.

In April 1988, Jan gave birth to her first child, Amy. Jan was over the moon to be a Mum, and took to it perfectly. Three years later, in April 1991, Tom was welcomed into the world. To Amy and Tom, Jan was the best Mum in the world: caring, loving, patient and kind.

When Amy was born, Jan made a decision to go to a local ‘Mum and Baby’ group at the health centre in Syston, as she didn’t know any other young Mums, and wanted Amy to grow up with friends her own age. A large group of friends was quickly formed there.

Jan originally worked as a secretary and shorthand typist, but when Tom started school, she decided on a new career direction, and became a healthcare assistant at PPD. This was the perfect role for someone with such a caring nature, as she was able to put her natural kindness into her work. When PPD closed, Jan continued in a similar role at Bupa. She always enjoyed working with people, and the camaraderie she shared with her colleagues.

Her family meant everything to Jan, and she was happiest with those she loved around her, or on the end of a characteristically long phone call. She also loved hearing from her French friends, and her relatives in America and Brighton. While bringing up her children, Jan remained tireless in supporting her parents and auntie, dedicating herself to their care, as she did everyone who ever needed her.

Her many friends – as we can see here today – played an equally important role throughout Jan’s life; friends who loved and supported Jan as she loved and supported them. Jan was often the life and soul of the party with her feather boas and her happy smile. She had a musical ear and loved to dance, as everyone who has been to a party with her will agree.

Jan was well known for her thoughtful words, cards and notes. Any occasion, Jan always sent a card in her neat handwriting, usually with appropriate, sparkly confetti inside. She wrote notes to Amy and Tom in their lunchboxes all the way from their first days at school, to the end of sixth form. Notes were left inside the door if she had gone out, and upstairs if she was working a night shift. Such was the care and thought that went into everything she did.

Everyone who knew Jan said that she was lovely, and she truly was. It is customary to focus on a person’s good points in their eulogy, but the truth is that Jan really was a good person, beautiful inside and out. It was her way to focus on the good in life, and to see the best in everyone.

Jan considered herself to have led a happy life, filled with the love of the many people who mattered to her; and that is the way that she would want to be remembered. Happy, and loved.”

 

Now it’s an immeasurably sad time, but Janis had early onset dementia, so in one way it’s a relief to know that she is no longer so confused and anxious. It was terrible to see my bright, caring, smiling sister gradually fading to the awful illness. I really don’t know how John coped from day to day with caring for Janis during the last couple of years.

 

Janis was born when I was five years old; she is the only person I’ve known for the entirety of their life. On the day she arrived, at home in Birstall, I couldn’t wait to meet my new sister. I whiled away the time drawing on a small blackboard easel, then Dad came to fetch me and we went up to my parent’s bedroom where Mum had just given birth.

Mum was in bed, the District Nurse was fussing around and tidying up, and my little sister was wrapped up and sleeping. I remember being slightly surprised because Janis was shiny, almost glistening, a tiny bit wrinkly and quite red with blue tinges. Being already familiar with how babies looked, I had expected her to be much paler.

Perhaps because I was a few years older or maybe because we were simply compatible personalities, but whatever it was we always got on very well. We played together, building dens with boxes and blankets, dressing up and posing our poor long suffering menagerie of pets, setting up lending libraries with our books, play fighting with sticks and dustbin lid shields, and probably many other games that I’ve since forgotten.

I frequently teased and joked with Janis; we laughed and giggled together at many silly things. I miss our familiarity and companionship, or siblingship, or whatever it might be called.

I always looked forward to her visits while I was at art college in Leeds and after I moved to Nottingham to work, and the many holidays we had together, with family and with partners.

It was a huge privilege to know Janis and I will miss her so much.

 

I’ve been touched with the kind thoughts and comments made on social media since I posted the composite photo of Janis at different ages. Here are just a few of them:

“Very sorry to hear this, No age is it, seems like she was cheated. I hope she enjoyed her life, I suspect from the photo’s that she brightened many. Thinking of you.”

“Really sorry to hear that. My condolences to your family. If personality does affect the face as we age she must have been a delight, her smile is wonderful.”

“She’s beautiful. I’m so sorry you had to lose her so young.”

“Best wishes and my thoughts to all.  I love that she was smiling through all those images.”

“I’m so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful smile Janis had.”

“Lovely pictures. Thanks for sharing. Condolences to you and all she held dear.”

“What great photographs, she looks like a lovely person. Thinking of you all x”

“I’m happy you had such a wonderful sister and I’m sorry for your loss. She was born about 10 months before me.”

“She looked to be a sparkle of life to many. 💖 My Condolences.”

“Such a sad loss to you and your family. What a beautiful sister you’ll always hold dear.” https://youtu.be/IMtnLkXCKlY

“My condolences Roy. Her pictures indicate a happy demeanour. – Bet you made her laugh lots.”

 

The following photo montages are six panels I put together with images I had of Janis, family and friends, and that John arranged to be printed and displayed at the wake.

Janis Lewin - Panel 1Janis Lewin - Panel 2Janis Lewin - Panel 3Janis Lewin - Panel 4Janis Lewin - Panel 5Janis Lewin - Panel 6

 

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The life of a sinistral snail — Snailtergeist

Jeremy the snail was first found minding his own business in a southwest London compost heap. Most would have overlooked Jeremy as an ordinary garden snail; in fact it’s undoubtedly the case that most of the other rare snails who have the single gene mutation that Jeremy possesses will have at best been ignored, and […]

via The life of a sinistral snail — Snailtergeist

 

Whoopee…

A post on social media reminded me of my obsession with practical jokes as a child in the early 1960s. I spent my pocket money on quite a few from the Ellisdons Jokes, Magic and Novelties catalogue. Ellisdons sold all manner of practical jokes; rubber beetles and spiders, wind-up butterflies, whoopee cushions, and realistic looking rubber things such as food, soap and bars of chocolate. I had, for example, a very lifelike chocolate finger biscuit made of brown rubber.

Practical jokesI also had a handshake buzzer, which never really caught anyone off guard, but the floating sugar cubes and imitation rubber snail with a real shell were both winners; I suspect the snail put many friends and relatives off salad for life.

I loved the floating sugar cubes; a family friend’s grandfather spent an incredibly long time with a teaspoon trying to make them sink, it was only my barely controlled mirth that eventually caught his attention.

I’d also forgotten about the imitation dog turd. I had a brilliant shiny metal one, very realistic. It’s probably still in the attic somewhere. I left it on the rug in my grandmother’s best/front room on a visit once and all hell broke loose. Both the poor dog and I were in so much trouble, but it was worth it…

Ellisdons 1960s Joke Catalogue

 

 

‘The Colour of London: Historic, Personal, & Local’ First published in 1907

By William John Loftie FSA. Illustrated by Yoshio Markino. With an introduction by Marion Harry Spielmann FSA and an essay by the artist.

 

An interesting read, peppered with period Victorian/Edwardian morals and outlooks, and fascinating historical details.

In the introduction, Marion Harry Spielmann talks of “London by warm gaslight on Chelsea Embankment, or by cold electric rays on New Vauxhall Bridge…” and when discussing Yoshio Markino’s depiction of Baker Street Underground, he describes the “sulphur and noise”.

Later in the book the arrival of cars and the decay of fashionable life is lamented; “…we cannot expect ever to see again. The gay throng has been broken up by the invasion of motors” and “…motors render impossible that slow and stately pacing, the long waits under the trees, the show of fine horses and carriages”.

Originally published in London by Chatto & Windus in 1907; this edition was published in 1914.

A selection of the fascinating illustrations by Yoshio Markino.

Goodreads review: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1971532399

 

Still More MumblingNerd Stuff

 

Still more of my previously unpublished Twitter posts:

I’m a Pacifist; it’s my favourite ocean.

I really dislike 144; it’s gross.

Well that’s very disappointing. Apparently, fasting has nothing to do with the speed that you eat.

After all the hype I’ve heard, red tape is surprisingly easy to cut through.

Why would you rest on your laurels? I once had laurels in the garden; they were extremely uncomfortable to rest on.

I’ve had a parcel delivered. Although I never did find out how the liver got into the parcel.

Can you spot a pointillist painting without going dotty? I don’t see the point.

Vive la différence, as the Dutch say. When they’re speaking French.

I cut my finger today, but on the other hand I’m fine.

I’m amazed at how much procrastinating I managed to fit in today.

I repaired a hole in my sock, but it was sew sew boring.

I’ve been thinking outside of the box and decided on cremation.

My hairdresser gave me a Roman cut; she used a pair of Caesars.

Birds must be infuriated when they get vertigo.

I’m writing salad puns; if anyone knows a good one please lettuce know.

There’s a fine line between
silliness
____________

and humour

And I’ve no idea where it is :^)

I’d like to give you some sage advice. It goes well with parsley, rosemary and thyme.

Snakes are measured in inches as there are no feet.

Has anyone else tried fly-tipping? As soon as I attempt it they fly off.

On the one hand the weather is wet for June, but on the other hand I have a broken nail.

I spoke to a grassroots campaigner today, but they refused to look at my lawn.

Watched the test match today. It lit first time.

Apparently a Japanese zoo has an elephant seal. That must take one hell of a lot of cling film.

Soya milk. Didn’t see mine though; has anyone else seen it?

Attempting to sketch with French chalk, but I’m drawing a blanc.

I may be going out on a limb here, but I’m hopping around on one leg.

I’m wondering if I could scrape a living as an archaeologist. Perhaps I’ll dig out my CV.

Hummingbirds should attend to their personal hygiene.

Saw a spoonbill today. That’s the last time I buy cutlery in a hurry.

Look where you’re going! That was just a heads up.

I’ve split my feather quilt and now I’m feeling down.

My nail and hammer mishap stands out like a sore thumb.

Visited the local health centre to show my support today. No one was willing to have a look at it.

I’ve taken another re-sit. It was a huge improvement; I didn’t fall off this time.

Pricked myself on a needle again. I just don’t see the point.

Our dentist is conflicted; he’s cheerful, but he always looks down in the mouth.

I wouldn’t visit a denture shop; I don’t like to pick my teeth in public.

I visited an owl sanctuary recently, but the owls didn’t give two hoots.

I drove past one of those average speed cameras yesterday, but I thought it looked pretty good.

Where can I borrow a dictionary? I only need it for a short spell.

As house spiders are getting bigger, I’ve adjusted the burglar alarm so they don’t trigger it. I wondered where all the flies had gone…

Aww, a little bird just told me to cheer up. Oh, I misheard; it said chirp.

Did a little bowling practice this morning. I now regret not finishing the cereal first.

On my bucket list I have an iron pail, three household buckets and a small plastic beach bucket for making sand castles.

I’ve had a protracted conversation with a neighbour, but dropped the protractor. Now it’s scratched.

Can anyone recommend a local artisan natural GM free organic vegan craft pop-up pantry zero carbon footprint kitchen micro café?

I’m thinking of setting up a family tracing service, but I can’t find a large enough sheet of translucent paper.

I spent all last night running around the bed, but I still didn’t catch up on my sleep.

It’s always good to have a fresh pair of eyes. Slightly disappointed they weren’t from the same donor though.

The Queen doesn’t appear to do much when she launches a ship, surely someone in her position should really push the boat out.

When William the Conqueror visited Nottingham Castle, he had pizza delivered and told them to change the keep.

I’ve been short-changed at a yard sale; I only got 35 inches.

A problem shared is a problem halved. Regrettably I’ve so far failed to apply that to utility bills.

Vicious mathematicians shouldn’t work in dreadful pubs; vile inns never solved anything.

I just found some raw toast.

I went to Muffin Break today, but they only do replacement muffins, not repairs.

If I tweet about bacteria, will you all help it to go viral?

I have a spring in my step today. Also a tiny cogwheel and a brass screw from an old clock.

Should I complain about this pressure cooker not working properly, or should I just keep a lid on it?

If you’re into bondage, it’s vital to have a partner you can truss completely.

If I hadn’t had fillet mignon last night, it would have been a missed steak.

Just saw a shepherd handing out hard boiled sweet mints for Christmas. Baa humbug.

I’ve been getting contractions all morning; it started with isn’t, then can’t and now I’ve just had a couple of don’ts.

If you can’t decide whether to buy a telepathic abacus as a Christmas gift, just remember it’s the thought that counts.

There are holes in our chest of drawers; I suspect they’ve been rifled.

Our dining room lights are too bright for eating Chinese takeaway meals; we have to dim sum.

I don’t know why I’ve been called supernumerary; maths has never been my strong point.

I’m concerned about this kebab; I suspect it may be from ancient grease.

Just had a watershed moment. The shed roof is leaking.

If you make allegations about crocodile tears, does that make you the alligator?

The Met Office are issuing a yellow warning for snow in some areas; whatever you do, AVOID THE YELLOW SNOW!

Spent a lot of time sole searching today. Eventually managed to prise the stone out.

Not impressed with this new ‘Soothing Apricot Toner’. The apricot I tested it on is neither soothed nor toned, and it tastes revolting.

I once tripped and fell on a cricket pitch in freshly ironed trousers; I ruined the crease.

I just discovered a greenhouse that’s only a stone’s throw away…

I’ve taken this barometer into four pubs so far; I think it’s broken.

I’m not a gossip; I just have a great sense of rumour.

On my last hospital visit I signed a doctor’s organ donation form, now there’s a man after my own heart.

I’m feeling a little left behind today. Later on I shall also feel my right side.

I have quite a large fan base. Although to be fair, the fan is still unstable and liable to fall over.

I need to buy a bigger scarf; my old one is too tight.

Finding accommodation for a flock of chickens was a big coup for me.

I’m feeling marginalised. I’m on page one, just to the left of the first paragraph.

They pulled the wool over my eyes once too often; I’ve exchanged the item for cotton.

This is a pretty kettle of fish, although the pot of toads is slightly unpleasant.

Don’t worry about parallel lines and vanishing points. It’s all a matter of perspective.

I couldn’t find a nutcracker, so I used a sledgehammer.

Don’t breed guppies. We have much bigger fish to fry.

I felt like I should be dusting or vacuuming. So I’m having a coffee until the feeling passes.

I take homeopathy with a pinch of salt. Of course the pinch of salt is so diluted that my descendants will be drinking it for generations.

Possession is nine-tenths of the law, but only if you exorcise regularly.

After pouring oil on troubled waters, I’m now pouring coffee through an anxious filter.

Do you want to increase your #SocialMedia presence?
Fluorescent paint will make a huge difference to your visibility.

I’m very concerned about an old well in our back garden; it’s not a tall well.

I had to give up being narcissistic when I realised I couldn’t spell it.

I couldn’t work in a cemetery; there are too many dead lines.

When the first speaker took the floor I was left balancing precariously on a joist.

In chemistry labs on casual Fridays, formaldehyde turns into spontaneousdehyde.

I’ve been setting the record straight today. The needle skips tracks if the record isn’t straight.

I’ve been finding my feet today.
Oh look, there they are again!

I’ve never been backward at coming forward in awkward parking spaces.

Just heard someone say their supply of ice is running dry. Our ice only ever runs wet.

I used to have a life outside of social media, but I forgot the password to it.

“Everybody you ever met in your life was brought to you for a reason.” Last night it was pizza.

Had a brush with the law yesterday; I found a box of toupees and now the police are combing the area.

I now realise that I will never be old enough to be grown up.

I was in a pretty pickle today. Well, I say pretty, gherkins are more attractive than actually pretty.

I’m up to my neck in it today, but then I’ve never gone without a shirt even when it’s hot…

What a fantastic start to the day; I went into another room and actually remembered why…

Belts are waisted on me.

Delighted to know that oily fish is good for you, because these reformed economy fish fingers soaked in melted lard really hit the spot.

I’ve been itching to study flea bites, but I don’t want to start from scratch.

I could eat French honey with every miel.

I’m ticked off with checklists that won’t let you work outside the box.

I’ve been shopping for a pair of pear paring knives, but only found one.

I was balancing the books today, until Jane Austen’s ‘Pride and Prejudice’ toppled the whole pile.

I’ll never get rid of these gnat bites; I think I’ll have to start from scratch.

I paused to listen mindfully to the gentle sounds that surround me today. Turns out to have been chewing gum on my shoe.

I was approached by a whistle blower today. I confiscated it.

Focus on the positives and forget the negatives, but not if you’re still using a film camera.

I don’t regret the demise of wired phones, except now I can’t slam the receiver down on the 95% of calls that are spam.

If you take a ballet degree, are you guaranteed to graduate with at least a tutu?

I’m not convinced those cardboard policemen are cut out for the job.

Fabrics are conspicuous at the Olympics; must be all the curtain raising and blanket coverage.

I attached some guitar strings to the cat once; turned it into a strumpet

Our cat doesn’t like lemon; what a sourpuss.

Best foot forward. However, involve your worst foot too, or you won’t get very far.

I’ve had my milk chocolate sailing boat converted to dark chocolate; it’s all plain sailing now.

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For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Even more favourite quotes

Dave Ramsey quote“There are two secrets to success: 1) Never tell everything you know…” ~ Roger H Lincoln

“Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t” ~ Bill Nye

“You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.” ~ Janis Joplin

“The glow of one warm thought is to me worth more than money.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

“Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create. Do not misunderstand me. Danger is very real. But fear is a choice.” ~ Will Smith

“No, we have to take in nourishment, expel waste and breathe in enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is purely optional.” ~ Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory)

“The most wasted of all days is the one without laughter.” ~ E E Cummings

“Maybe if we stop numbering our squares, we wouldn’t know when we’d gone back to one.” ~ Sammy Dunn

“You can’t use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have” ~ Maya Angelou

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” ~ Dalai Lama

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~ Maya Angelou

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’” ~ Fred Rogers

“If we are going to teach creation science as an alternative to evolution, then we should also teach the stork theory as an alternative to biological reproduction.” ~ Judith Hayes

“We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.” ~ Dave Ramsey

“Hatred eats the soul of the hater, not the hated.” ~ Alice Herz Sommer

What is it you most dislike? “Stupidity, especially in its nastiest forms of racism and superstition.” ~ Christopher Hitchens

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~ Theodore Roosevelt

“You are always responsible for how you act, no matter how you feel.” ~ Robert Tew

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“With or without religion, good people can behave well and bad people can do evil; but for good people to do evil – that takes religion.” ~ Steven Weinberg

“Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.” ~ Twyla Tharp

“If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all.” ~ Noam Chomsky

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If you haven’t found something strange during the day, it hasn’t been much of a day.” ~ John A Wheeler

“You never need an argument against the use of violence; you need an argument for it.” ~ Noam Chomsky

“Man is not what he thinks he is; he is what he hides.” ~ André Malraux

“I think it’s much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong.” ~ Richard P Feynman

“We must learn to live together as brothers or we will perish together as fools.” ~ Martin Luther King

“To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question.” ~ H Yahya

“I have always imagined that paradise will be a kind of library.” ~ Jorge Luis Borges

“I like having my hair and face done, but I’m not going to lose weight because someone tells me to. I make music to be a musician not to be on the cover of Playboy” ~ Adele

“What we think, we become.” ~ Buddha

“Someone else is happy with less than what you have.” ~ Anonymous

“Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.” ~ Cesar Cruz

“Some people are old at 18 and some are young at 90… time is a concept that humans created” ~ Yoko Ono

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.” ~ Audre Lorde

“I believe in kindness. Also in mischief.” ~ Mary Oliver

“It’s frightening that skepticism has to be a movement, because you’re just arguing that reality is reality. What a waste of energy, in a way.” ~ Graham Lineham

“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” ~ Marilyn Monroe

“Race hate isn’t human nature; race hate is the abandonment of human nature.” ~ Orson Welles

“The further a society drifts from truth the more it will hate those that speak it.”” ~ George Orwell

“Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.” ~ Helen Keller

“What is important is the way you look at things, not the way things look.” ~ Hady Sy

“My interest is in the future, because I’m going to spend the rest of my life there.” ~ Charles Kettering

“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people are so full of doubts.” ~ Bertrand Russell

“Imperfection is a form of freedom” ~ Anh Ngo

“The future is already here – it’s just not very evenly distributed” ~ William Gibson

“The best way to get along with people is not to expect them to be like you.” ~ Joyce Meyer

“One glance at a book and you hear the voice of another person, perhaps someone dead for 1,000 years. To read is a voyage through time.” ~ Carl Sagan

“The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.” ~ Isaac Asimov

“Money is numbers and numbers never end. If it takes money to be happy, your search for happiness will never end.” Bob Marley

“Be silly, be honest, be kind.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Be helpful. When you see a person without a smile, give them yours.” ~ Zig Ziglar

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ~ Søren Kierkegaard

“No amount of belief makes something a fact.” ~ James Randi

“I haven’t been everywhere, but it’s on my list.” ~ Susan Sontag

“Jump off cliffs and build your wings on the way down.” ~ Ray Bradbury

“The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.” ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“The 1% won’t expropriate themselves. And they have a lock on media and politics to ensure voters won’t be able to do so.” ~ David Graeber

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” ~ Maya Angelou

“Poverty is not an accident. Like slavery and apartheid, it is man-made and can be removed by the action of human beings.” ~ Nelson Mandela

“If you don’t like my posts, don’t read them. If you are going to comment on my posts and say something negative, learn how to spell.” ~ Sara Pelosi

“Literature is a textually transmitted disease, normally contracted in childhood.” ~ Jane Yolen

“Act without expectation.” ~ Lao Tzu

“Belief in myths allows the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.” ~ John F. Kennedy

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” ~ Douglas Adams

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.” ~ Philip K Dick

“No business which depends for existence on paying less than living wages to its workers has any right to continue in this country.” ~ Franklin D Roosevelt

“Spend more time smiling than frowning and more time praising than criticising.” ~ Richard Branson

“In whose delusional mind is democracy made ‘better’ by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?” ~ Jon Stewart

“The best advice I’ve ever gotten, the surest path to happiness that I know is this: Don’t expect. Don’t expect anything, ever. The less we expect, the happier we are. Expectation is the worst. Consistently, reliably, expectation produces misery.” ~ Dave Bry

“What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence.” ~ Christopher Hitchens

“There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true, the other is to refuse to accept what is true” ~ Soren Kierkegaard

“Whether you understand they evolved over billions of years or believe that a God made them all one afternoon, please be kind to animals.” ~ Ricky Gervais

“The not fully unpleasant awareness of a cuckoo nesting beside him, on the longtime empty pillow of his wife.” From Room 126 of 999 Rooms, a project by Vanni Santoni ► http://999rooms.wordpress.com/

“If you’re not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing.” ~ Malcolm X

“Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open.” ~ Scottish distiller Thomas Dewar



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More humorous quotes

Homer Simpson“I’ve put on some weight recently. My wife says it’s just puppy fat, but I’ve been eating other things as well.” ~ Gareth Richards

“So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I’d like to rent Batman Forever. I said No, just for two hours!” ~ Tim Vine

“My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn’t fancy her chances.” ~ Nish Kumar

“I was going to spend the afternoon daydreaming… but my mind kept wandering.” ~ Steven Wright

“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.” ~ Stewart Francis

“Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.” ~ George Ryegold

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” ~ Rob Beckett

“I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don’t know I’m using blanks.” ~ Emo Philips

“I have a stepladder. It’s a very nice stepladder, but it’s sad that I never knew my real ladder.” ~ Craig Charles

“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” ~ Will Marsh

“I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know Y.” ~ Chris Turner

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” ~ Stewart Francis

“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand” ~ Homer Simpson

“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” ~ Rob Auton

“I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.” ~ Alex Horne

“I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.” ~ Alfie Moore

“My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily’.” ~ Tim Vine

“I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.” ~ Gary Delaney

“The universe implodes. No matter.” ~ Liam Williams

“The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.” ~ Chris Coltrane

“The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.” ~ Milton Jones

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” ~ Peter Kay

“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” ~ Benny Hill

“I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy.” ~ Tommy Cooper

“I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail.” ~ Unknown Origin

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” ~ Herm Albright

“Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.” ~ Sloane Crosley

“Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.” ~ Isabel Allende

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” ~ Miss Piggy

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.” ~ W C Fields

“I can’t stand innuendo. If I see one in a script I whip it out immediately.” ~ Kenneth Williams


 

 

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

“I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned”, but in the meantime…

I dream of a better world where...Why did the chicken cross the road? ► To get to the other side.

Why did the chicken cross the road? ► Because it was free range.

Why did the chicken run across the road? ► Because a car was coming.

Why did the turkey cross the road? ► To prove it was no chicken.

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch? ► Because the referee whistled for a fowl.

Why did the chicken cross the playground? ► To get to the other slide.

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and then cross the road again? ► Because it was a dirty double-crosser.

Why did the duck cross the road? ► Because the chicken needed a day off.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? ► To get to the same side.

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road? ► Because it wanted to stretch its legs.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? ► Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

Two chickens are sitting by the side of the road. One says to the other: “Are you going to cross then?” “No,” it says, “we’ll never hear the end of it.”

How did the frozen chicken cross the road? ► In a shopping bag.

Why didn’t the chicken skeleton cross the road? ► Because it didn’t have enough guts.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? ► Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.

Why did the cow cross the road? ► To get to the udder side.

Why did the fox cross the road? ► It was looking for the chicken.

Why did the squirrel cross the road? ► Because it was stapled to a chicken.

Why did the Dalek cross the road? ► To EXTERMINATE! the chicken.

Why did the atheist cross the road? ► So they could see both sides.

Why did the abstract surrealist cross the road? ► Tomato monkey.

Why did Darth Vader cross the road? ► To get to the dark side.

Who helped Darth Vader cross the road? ► The Force was with him.

Why did Mr Scott’s chicken cross the road? ► Because it couldna take much morrrrrrre!

Why did the Vulcan chicken cross the road? ► It was the logical thing to do.

Why did the Borg cross the road? ► To assimilate the chicken.


 

 

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Did You Know?


Did You Know?A thousand seconds is about 16 minutes, a million seconds is about 11 days and a billion seconds is about 32 years.

About 20 percent of the Earth’s land is desert.

Approximately every two minutes, we take more pictures than all of the photographs taken in the 19th century.

For every human on the planet there are approximately 1.6 million ants.

Hippopotamus milk is pink.

Honey is the only food that doesn’t spoil.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per person than any other country.

If the earth were completely flat, water would cover everything in a layer two miles deep.

Mammoths became extinct approximately 1,000 years after the Egyptians finished building the Great Pyramid.

Oxford University is centuries older than the Aztec Empire.

Pluto didn’t make a full orbit around the sun from the time it was discovered to when it was declassified as a planet.

Russia has a larger surface area than Pluto.

The full name of the toy Barbie is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

The ice that covers 98% of Antarctica holds 90% of the world’s fresh water.

The initials YKK on your zip stand for Yoshida Kōgyō Kabushiki Kaisha; YKK is a Japanese group of companies.

There are more atoms in a glass of water than there are glasses of water in all of the Earth’s seas.

There are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand on every beach on Earth.

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine than by a shark.


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Nerd Jokes

#NerdJokesWhat is a physicist’s favourite food? Fission chips.

Why did Erwin Schrödinger, Paul Dirac and Wolfgang Pauli work in very small garages? Because they were quantum mechanics.

Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

Why do chemists like nitrates? Because they’re cheaper than day rates.

Chemists believe it takes alkynes to make a world.

I don’t like tetrachloroethylene, and I’m not keen on glycol ether.

What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium.

I tell chemistry jokes periodically, but there’s usually no reaction.

What does 7 on the pH scale have in common with Sweden? They’re both neutral.

What do you call it when sodium chloride hits you? A salt.

Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

A photon checks into a hotel. The receptionist asks if it has any luggage, it replies; “No, I’m travelling light.”

NASA is planning a restaurant on the Moon; there will be great food, but no atmosphere.

How may ears does Spock have? Three. A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear.

Serotonin and dopamine. Technically, the only two things you enjoy.

What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down its genes.

The gene for shyness has been found. It would have been found earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.

Remember, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

An optimist sees the glass as half full, a pessimist sees it as half empty, an engineer sees the glass as twice as large as it needs to be.

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

Why can’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

Where does bad light end up? In prism.

What does a subatomic duck say? Quark.

What do The Force and duct tape have in common? There’s a dark side and a light side, and they both hold the universe together.

If you fell off a tall building and had never studied physics, would you understand the gravity of the situation?

What did one sister chromatid say to the other? Stop copying me!

What do you call an electricity detective? Sherlock Ohms.

What do you call a joke based on cobalt, radon and yttrium? CoRnY.

What do you get when you mix sulphur, tungsten and silver? SWAg.

Why are copper and tellurium so CuTe?

Oxygen went on a date with potassium; it went OK.

The sign on the door of a microbiology lab reads “STAPH ONLY.”

Einstein’s Theory of Relatives: The probability of in-laws visiting you is directly proportional to how much you feel like being left alone.

With your head in the fridge and your feet in the oven, a statistician will tell you that, on average, you’re very comfortable.

A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptised. She kept the other as a control.

Statisticians have proven that having offspring is an inherited trait; if your parents didn’t have children, you probably won’t either.

If you have a pizza with radius z and thickness a, its volume is pizza [or pi*z*z*a].

The constipated mathematician worked his problem out with a pencil.

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some functions.

There are two types of people in the world; those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets…

A microbiologist travelled widely and was fluent in various languages; he was a man of many cultures.

Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman!

I was going to tell you a joke about sodium, but… Na.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don’t.

Psychiatrist to patient: “Don’t worry. You’re not deluded. You only think you are.”

After sex, one behaviourist turned to another behaviourist and said, “That was great for you, but how was it for me?”

A mosquito was heard to complain
That chemists had poisoned her brain.
The cause of her sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
diphenyl-trichloroethane.

A friend who’s in liquor production,
Has a still of astounding construction,
The alcohol boils,
Through old magnet coils,
He says that it’s proof by induction.

Edmund Halley:
From the public, his discovery brought cheers.
From his wife, it drew torrents of tears.
“For you see,” said Ms. Halley,
“He used to come daily;
Now it’s once every 70 years!”

There was an old lady called Wright,
Who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day.
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

 

A scientist walks into a bar…

A microbiologist walks into a bar and asks for a small one.

A geneticist walks into a bar to buy a drink and says to the bartender; “I think I have some change in my jeans.”

A climate change scientist walks into a bar and says; “Where’s the ice?”

A seismologist walks into a bar and asks for their drink to be shaken and not stirred.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Give me ten times the number of drinks everybody in here is drinking.” The bartender replies; “Now that is an order of magnitude.”

Two robots walk into a bar. The third one had a better steering program.

A blowfly walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Is that stool taken?”

An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says; “We don’t serve your kind in here.” It replies; “Well, you’re not a very good host.”

A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender yells; “Get out!” It leaves without putting up any resistance.

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says; “Get out, we don’t allow noble gases in here!” Argon doesn’t react.

A neutrino passes through a bar.

A planetologist walks into a bar and chats to Vastitas Borealis; “Long time, no sea.”

Schrödinger walks into a bar with a box, which is searched; “Did you know there’s a dead cat in here?” He replies; “Well, now I do!”

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. Or doesn’t.

An electron and a positron go into a bar.
Positron: “You’re round.”
Electron: “Are you sure?”
Positron: “I’m positive.”

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first says, “Yes, I’m positive…”

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”.

Two chemists walk into a bar. One orders H2O. The other says “I’ll have H2O too.” The second one dies.

 

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

 

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