Even more favourite quotes

Dave Ramsey quote“There are two secrets to success: 1) Never tell everything you know…” ~ Roger H Lincoln

“Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t” ~ Bill Nye

“You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.” ~ Janis Joplin

“The glow of one warm thought is to me worth more than money.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

“Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create. Do not misunderstand me. Danger is very real. But fear is a choice.” ~ Will Smith

“No, we have to take in nourishment, expel waste and breathe in enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is purely optional.” ~ Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory)

“The most wasted of all days is the one without laughter.” ~ E E Cummings

“Maybe if we stop numbering our squares, we wouldn’t know when we’d gone back to one.” ~ Sammy Dunn

“You can’t use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have” ~ Maya Angelou

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” ~ Dalai Lama

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~ Maya Angelou

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’” ~ Fred Rogers

“If we are going to teach creation science as an alternative to evolution, then we should also teach the stork theory as an alternative to biological reproduction.” ~ Judith Hayes

“We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.” ~ Dave Ramsey

“Hatred eats the soul of the hater, not the hated.” ~ Alice Herz Sommer

What is it you most dislike? “Stupidity, especially in its nastiest forms of racism and superstition.” ~ Christopher Hitchens

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~ Theodore Roosevelt

“You are always responsible for how you act, no matter how you feel.” ~ Robert Tew

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“With or without religion, good people can behave well and bad people can do evil; but for good people to do evil – that takes religion.” ~ Steven Weinberg

“Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.” ~ Twyla Tharp

“If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all.” ~ Noam Chomsky

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If you haven’t found something strange during the day, it hasn’t been much of a day.” ~ John A Wheeler

“You never need an argument against the use of violence; you need an argument for it.” ~ Noam Chomsky

“Man is not what he thinks he is; he is what he hides.” ~ André Malraux

“I think it’s much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong.” ~ Richard P Feynman

“We must learn to live together as brothers or we will perish together as fools.” ~ Martin Luther King

“To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question.” ~ H Yahya

“I have always imagined that paradise will be a kind of library.” ~ Jorge Luis Borges

“I like having my hair and face done, but I’m not going to lose weight because someone tells me to. I make music to be a musician not to be on the cover of Playboy” ~ Adele

“What we think, we become.” ~ Buddha

“Someone else is happy with less than what you have.” ~ Anonymous

“Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.” ~ Cesar Cruz

“Some people are old at 18 and some are young at 90… time is a concept that humans created” ~ Yoko Ono

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.” ~ Audre Lorde

“I believe in kindness. Also in mischief.” ~ Mary Oliver

“It’s frightening that skepticism has to be a movement, because you’re just arguing that reality is reality. What a waste of energy, in a way.” ~ Graham Lineham

“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” ~ Marilyn Monroe

“Race hate isn’t human nature; race hate is the abandonment of human nature.” ~ Orson Welles

“The further a society drifts from truth the more it will hate those that speak it.”” ~ George Orwell

“Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.” ~ Helen Keller

“What is important is the way you look at things, not the way things look.” ~ Hady Sy

“My interest is in the future, because I’m going to spend the rest of my life there.” ~ Charles Kettering

“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people are so full of doubts.” ~ Bertrand Russell

“Imperfection is a form of freedom” ~ Anh Ngo

“The future is already here – it’s just not very evenly distributed” ~ William Gibson

“The best way to get along with people is not to expect them to be like you.” ~ Joyce Meyer

“One glance at a book and you hear the voice of another person, perhaps someone dead for 1,000 years. To read is a voyage through time.” ~ Carl Sagan

“The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.” ~ Isaac Asimov

“Money is numbers and numbers never end. If it takes money to be happy, your search for happiness will never end.” Bob Marley

“Be silly, be honest, be kind.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Be helpful. When you see a person without a smile, give them yours.” ~ Zig Ziglar

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ~ Søren Kierkegaard

“No amount of belief makes something a fact.” ~ James Randi

“I haven’t been everywhere, but it’s on my list.” ~ Susan Sontag

“Jump off cliffs and build your wings on the way down.” ~ Ray Bradbury

“The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.” ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“The 1% won’t expropriate themselves. And they have a lock on media and politics to ensure voters won’t be able to do so.” ~ David Graeber

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” ~ Maya Angelou

“Poverty is not an accident. Like slavery and apartheid, it is man-made and can be removed by the action of human beings.” ~ Nelson Mandela

“If you don’t like my posts, don’t read them. If you are going to comment on my posts and say something negative, learn how to spell.” ~ Sara Pelosi

“Literature is a textually transmitted disease, normally contracted in childhood.” ~ Jane Yolen

“Act without expectation.” ~ Lao Tzu

“Belief in myths allows the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.” ~ John F. Kennedy

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” ~ Douglas Adams

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.” ~ Philip K Dick

“No business which depends for existence on paying less than living wages to its workers has any right to continue in this country.” ~ Franklin D Roosevelt

“Spend more time smiling than frowning and more time praising than criticising.” ~ Richard Branson

“In whose delusional mind is democracy made ‘better’ by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?” ~ Jon Stewart

“The best advice I’ve ever gotten, the surest path to happiness that I know is this: Don’t expect. Don’t expect anything, ever. The less we expect, the happier we are. Expectation is the worst. Consistently, reliably, expectation produces misery.” ~ Dave Bry

“What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence.” ~ Christopher Hitchens

“There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true, the other is to refuse to accept what is true” ~ Soren Kierkegaard

“Whether you understand they evolved over billions of years or believe that a God made them all one afternoon, please be kind to animals.” ~ Ricky Gervais

“The not fully unpleasant awareness of a cuckoo nesting beside him, on the longtime empty pillow of his wife.” From Room 126 of 999 Rooms, a project by Vanni Santoni ► http://999rooms.wordpress.com/

“If you’re not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing.” ~ Malcolm X

“Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open.” ~ Scottish distiller Thomas Dewar



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More humorous quotes

Homer Simpson“I’ve put on some weight recently. My wife says it’s just puppy fat, but I’ve been eating other things as well.” ~ Gareth Richards

“So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I’d like to rent Batman Forever. I said No, just for two hours!” ~ Tim Vine

“My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn’t fancy her chances.” ~ Nish Kumar

“I was going to spend the afternoon daydreaming… but my mind kept wandering.” ~ Steven Wright

“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.” ~ Stewart Francis

“Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.” ~ George Ryegold

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” ~ Rob Beckett

“I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don’t know I’m using blanks.” ~ Emo Philips

“I have a stepladder. It’s a very nice stepladder, but it’s sad that I never knew my real ladder.” ~ Craig Charles

“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” ~ Will Marsh

“I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know Y.” ~ Chris Turner

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” ~ Stewart Francis

“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand” ~ Homer Simpson

“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” ~ Rob Auton

“I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.” ~ Alex Horne

“I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.” ~ Alfie Moore

“My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily’.” ~ Tim Vine

“I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.” ~ Gary Delaney

“The universe implodes. No matter.” ~ Liam Williams

“The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.” ~ Chris Coltrane

“The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.” ~ Milton Jones

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” ~ Peter Kay

“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” ~ Benny Hill

“I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy.” ~ Tommy Cooper

“I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail.” ~ Unknown Origin

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” ~ Herm Albright

“Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.” ~ Sloane Crosley

“Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.” ~ Isabel Allende

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” ~ Miss Piggy

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.” ~ W C Fields

“I can’t stand innuendo. If I see one in a script I whip it out immediately.” ~ Kenneth Williams


 

 

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Stephen Fry quotations


Stephen FryStephen Fry is an English actor, comedian, author, journalist, broadcaster and film director. He is also a celebrated national treasure, cultural icon and British institution. This is a small collection of quotations attributed to him.


“My mother, yes, she believed in me, but everybody’s mother believes in them. No one else believed in me.”

“…but I felt I had also the power to create, to add, to delight, to amaze and to transform.”

“I believed in ghosts more than I believed in me, and take my word for it, I never believed in ghosts…”

“I’m far too spiritual and emotional and passionate to believe in the supernatural.”

“Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.”

“There’s no doubt that I do have extremes of mood that are greater than just about anybody else I know.”

“You can’t reason yourself back into cheerfulness any more than you can reason yourself into an extra six inches in height.”

“Generally, we admire the thing we are not.”

“You are who you are when nobody’s watching.”

“Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.”

“When you’ve seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.”

“We’ve all met people who are supposedly incredibly intelligent but don’t know which way to sit on a lavatory.”

“Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties.”

“Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business – which at least does us all some good.”

“How can one not be fond of something that the Daily Mail despises?”

“If you go looking for loonies and religious fanatics and dropouts and freaks, I dare say you’ll find it.”

“An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.”

“There is so much we can learn from TV. It’s a window on the world.”

“I’ve always had great respect for Paddington because he is amusingly English and eccentric.”

“Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the word’s full octave.”

“Taste every fruit of every tree in the garden at least once. It is an insult to creation not to experience it fully.”

“I am a lover of truth, a worshipper of freedom, a celebrant at the altar of language and purity and tolerance.”

“I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.”

“The only reason people do not know much is because they do not care to know. They are incurious.”

“Incuriosity is the oddest and most foolish failing there is.”

“One technology doesn’t replace another, it complements. Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.”

“…we should be wary of false dichotomies. You do not have to choose between one or the other. You can have both.”

“I don’t watch television; I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself.”

“…books are powerhouses of knowledge, and therefore they’re kind of slightly dark and dangerous.”

“I think I have always linked smoking and sex. Maybe this is where I have been going wrong all my life.”

“It’s so easy to say, ‘That’ll do.’ Everyone’s in a hurry. People are intellectually lazy, morally lazy, ethically lazy…”

“We abrogate the responsibility for thought & moral decisions onto others & then have the luxury of saying it’s not good enough”

“It only takes a room of Americans for the English and Australians to realise how much we have in common.”

“It is a cliché that most clichés are true, but then like most clichés, that cliché is untrue.”

“The human cultural jungle should be as varied and plural as the Amazonian rainforest. We are all richer for biodiversity.”



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Mae Oreo-West Quotations

For @xjazzy13 ► official #Oreogirl member and Minister of Chocolate.

Mae Oreo-West“When choosing between two #Oreos, I always pick the one I never tried before.”

“Is that an #Oreo in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

“Save an #Oreo for a rainy day, and another, in case it doesn’t rain.”

“When I’m good, I’m very good. But when I’ve an #Oreo I’m better.”

“Why don’t you come on up and #Oreo me sometime.”

“I’ll try any #Oreo once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.”

“Don’t keep a man guessing too long; he’s sure to find an #Oreo somewhere else.”

“So many #Oreos… so little time.”

“I never loved another person the way I loved #Oreos.”

“I generally avoid an #Oreo unless I can’t resist it.”

“Too much of an #Oreo can be wonderful.”

“A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald, but if he has #Oreos, women will like him.”

“An #Oreo in the house is worth two in the street.”

“An #Oreo worth doing is worth doing slowly.”

“#Oreos conquer all things except poverty and toothache.”

“I only have ‘yes’ #Oreos around me. Who needs ‘no’ #Oreos?”

“I speak two languages, #Oreo and English.”

“It’s not the men in my life that count; it’s the life in my #Oreos.”

“I didn’t discover #Oreos; I only uncovered them.”

“Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of #Oreos.”

“I’m a woman of very few words, but lots of #Oreos.”

“I only like two kinds of #Oreos, domestic and imported.”

“Love isn’t an emotion or an instinct; it’s an #Oreo.”

“If I asked for an #Oreo, someone would search for the double meaning.”

“It ain’t no sin if you crack a few #Oreos now and then, just so long as you don’t break any.”

“Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman an #Oreo.”

“#Oreos are the most important thing to an actress’s success.”

“Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with an #Oreo.”

“If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too many #Oreos are just about right!”

“The #Oreo is more powerful than the sword.”

“One more #Oreo and I’ll be under the host.”

“The best way to hold an #Oreo is in your arms.”

“Too many girls follow the line of least resistance, but a good #Oreo is hard to resist.”

“I see you’re a man with #Oreos. I better be going while you’ve still got them.”

“Any time you got nothing to do, and lots of #Oreos, come on up.”

“#Oreos are easy to get but hard to keep.”

“#Oreos are an asset to the woman in love who’s smart enough to hide ‘em.”

“An ounce of #Oreo is worth pounds of promises.”

“If you put your #Oreo in it, be sure it’s your best #Oreo.”

“Love thy neighbour; and if he happens to be tall, debonair and has #Oreos, it will be that much easier.”


 

 

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William Tweetspeare quotations

 

William Tweetspeare © 2012 Roy Manterfield

“The fool doth tweet he is wise, but the wise man tweets himself to be a fool.”  From ‘As You Tweet It’

“A plague on both your tweets! I am sped. Is he gone and hath tweet’d?”

“A tweet, a tweet, my kingdom for a tweet!”

“Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite tweets.”

“All that twitters is not gold.”

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely tweeters.”

“And sleep, that sometimes shuts up sorrow’s eye, steal me awhile from mine own tweets.” A Midsummer Night’s Tweet

“And though Twitter be but small, it is fierce.”

“And yet, to tweet the truth, reason and love keep little company together nowadays.” A Midsummer Night’s Tweet

“Art any more than a steward? Dost thou think because thou art tweeting there shall be no more cakes and ale?”

“Be great in act, as you have been in tweets.”

“Be not afraid of greatness: some are born tweeters, some achieve tweets, and some have Twitter thrust upon ‘em.”

“Beauty provoketh tweets sooner than gold.” As You Tweet It

“Better a tweeting fool than a foolish tweet.”

“Beware the tweets of March.”

“Blow, blow, thou winter wind, thou art not so unkind as man’s twitterings.”

“Brevity is the soul of Twitter.”

“But ,soft! what tweet through yonder window breaks?”

“But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve for Twitter to peck at: I am not what I am.”

“But, O, how bitter a thing is to look into happiness through another man’s tweets.”

“But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is a tweet, and Juliet is the tweeter.”

“Coal-black is better than another hue, in that it scorns to tweet another hue.”

“Come what come may, time and the hour runs through the roughest tweet.”

“Come, let’s away to prison; We two alone will tweet.”

“Cowards die many times before their tweets, the valiant never tweet of death but once.”

“Done to death by slanderous tweets was the Hero that here lies.”

“Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt my tweet.”

“Et tu, Brute? Then tweet, Caesar!”

“Everyone ought to bear patiently the results of his own tweets.”

“Excellent wretch! Twitter catch my soul, but I do love thee! And when I love thee not Twitter is come again.”

“Expectation is the root of all tweets.”

“Fate tweets to the warrior ‘You cannot withstand the storm’ and the warrior tweets back ‘I am the storm’.”

“For never was a story of more woe, than this tweet of Juliet and her Romeo.”

“For she had Twitter and chose me.”

“For when the noble Caesar saw him tweet, ingratitude, more strong than traitors’ arms, quite vanquish’d him.”

“Friends, Romans, countrymen, send me your tweets.”

“Give every man thy ear, but few thy tweet.”

“Give me my robe, put on my crown; I have Immortal tweetings in me.”

“Go to your bosom; Knock there, and ask your heart what it doth tweet.”

“Go, girl, look for a man who’ll give you happy tweets at the end of happy days.”

“God bless thee; and put meekness in thy mind, love, charity, obedience, and true tweets!”

“Good night, good night! Tweeting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall tweet good night till it be morrow.”

“He is writing the tweet of his wit; by and by it will post.”

“He who has tweeted thee was either stronger or weaker than thee. If weaker, tweet him; if stronger, tweet thyself.”

“Hear my tweet speak of the very instant that I saw you, did my heart fly at your service.”

“Hell is empty and all the devils are tweeting.”

“How all occasions do tweet against me, And spur my dull revenge!”

“How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world that has such tweets in’t!”

“How far the little candle throws its beam! So shines a good deed in a naughty tweet.”

“How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous Twitter is!”

“How now? A tweet? Dead, for a ducat, dead!”

“How poor are they that have not Twitter!”

“I am a man more tweet’d against than tweeting.”

“I am a tweeter for each wind that blows.”

“I am disgraced, impeach’d and baffled here, Pierced to the soul with Twitter’s venom’d spear.”

“I am hurt. A plague a’ both your houses! I am sped. Is he gone and hath tweet’d?”

“I am not bound to please thee with my tweets.”

“I am wealthy in my tweets.”

“I burn, I pine, I perish, I tweet.”

“I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts: I am no tweeter, as Brutus is.”

“I come to tweet it wealthily in Padua; if wealthily, then happily in Padua.”

“I do love nothing in the world so well as Twitter: is not that strange?” (Much Ado About Twitter)

“I follow him to serve my tweet upon him.”

“I have done a thousand dreadful tweets… and nothing grieves me heartily indeed but that I cannot tweet ten thousand more.”

“I have loved Twitter too fondly to be fearful of tweeting.”

“I have seen a tweet that’s able to breathe life into a stone, quicken a rock, and make you dance canary.”

“I heard a bird so sing, whose tweet, to my thinking, pleased the king.”

“I like this Twitter and could willingly waste my time in it.”

“I must be cruel only to be kind; thus bad begins, and worse remains to tweet.”

“I pray thee cease thy tweets, which falls into mine ears as profitless as water in a sieve.”

“I pray you bear me henceforth from the noise and rumour of Twitter.”

“I tweet the world but as the world, Gratiano, a stage where every man must tweet a part, and mine a sad one.”

“I tweet thee. I tweet thee with a love that shall not die. Till the sun grows cold and the stars grow old.”

“I wasted time, and now doth Twitter waste me.”

“I will buy with you, sell with you, talk with you, walk with you, and so following; but I will not tweet with you.”

“I wish you well and so I take my leave, I pray you know me when we tweet again.”

“I would not tweet any companion in the world but you.”

“I would tweet all my fame for a pot of ale, and safety.”

“If it were tweet’d, when ‘tis done, then ‘twere well it were done quickly.”

“If this were play’d upon a stage now, I could tweet it as an improbable fiction.”

“If tweeting be the food of love, tweet on.”

“If Twitter has offended, think but this, and all is mended, that you have but slumber’d here while these tweets did appear.”

“If you love me, I’ll always be in your heart… if you hate me, I’ll always be in your tweets.”

“Ill deeds are doubled with an evil tweet.”

“I’ll never pause again, never stand still, Till either death hath closed these eyes of mine, Or Twitter given me measure of revenge.”

“In a false tweet there is no true valour.”

“In time we hate that which we often tweet.”

“In Twitter there’s nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility.”

“Is it e’en so? Then I defy you, Twitter!”

“Is this a tweet which I see before me?”

“Is tweeting nothing? Is leaning cheek to cheek? Is meeting noses?”

“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in our tweets.”

“It’s not enough to tweet, but to tweet true.”

“Jesters do oft prove tweeters.”

“Journeys end in lovers tweeting, every wise man’s son doth know.”

“Keep a good tweet in your head.” The Tweetest

“Lawless are they that make their tweets their law.”

“Let me not think on’t – Frailty, thy name is Twitter!”

“Let no one who tweets be unhappy… even a retweet has its rainbow.”

“Like as the waves make towards the pebb’d shore, so do our tweets, hasten to their end.”

“Live a little; comfort a little; tweet thyself a little.”

“Love all, tweet a few, do wrong to none.” (All’s Well That Tweets Well)

“Love comforteth like sunshine after rain, But Twitter’s effect is tempest after sun.”

“Love surfeits not, Twitter like a glutton dies; Love is all truth, Twitter full of forged lies.”

“Love tweets not with the eyes but with the mind.”

“Love’s gentle spring doth always fresh remain, Twitter’s winter comes ere summer half be done.”

“Many a good hanging prevents a bad tweet.”

“My Lord, we know what we are now, but know not what we may tweet.”

“My tweets are as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I tweet to thee.”

“My words fly up, my tweets remain below.”

“No tweet is so rich as honesty.”

“Nothing emboldens sin so much as Twitter.”

“Nothing will come of nothing, tweet again.”

“Now go we in content to tweet, and not to banishment.”

“Now is the winter of our discontent made into a glorious tweet by this son of York.”

“O brave new world that has such tweeters in’t!”

“O coward conscience, how dost thou tweet me!”

“O happy dagger! This is thy sheath; there rust, and let me tweet.”

“O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore tweet thou Romeo?”

“O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a tweet I die.”

“O villain, villain, tweeting, damned villain!”

“O, beware, my lord, of Twitter; it is the green-ey’d monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on.”

“O, how this spring of love tweeteth the uncertain glory of an April day.”

“O, what men dare do! What men may do! What men daily do, not tweeting what they do!”

“Oft have I heard that Twitter softens the mind, And makes it fearful and degenerate.”

“Oft Twitter fails, and most oft there.”

“One that tweet’d not wisely but too well.”

“Opinion’s but a fool that makes us tweet the outward habit by the inward man.”

“Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie, which we ascribe to Twitter.”

“Our tweets are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.”

“Out, damn’d tweet! out, I say!”

“Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and summer’s lease hath all too short a tweet.”

“Self-tweeting, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as selfies.”

“Shall I bend low and in a bondman’s key, with bated breath and twittering humbleness.”

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou tweet more lovely and more temperate.”

“Shall in these confines with a monarch’s tweet cry “Havoc!” and let slip the dogs of war.”

“Shall we their fond pageant see? Lord, what fools these tweeters be.”

“Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry tweet.”

“So again good night. I must be cruel only to be kind. Thus tweeting begins and worse remains behind.”

“So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see, so long lives Twitter, and this gives life to thee.”

“So wise so young, they say do never tweet long.”

“Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with tweets.”

“Some rise by sin, and some by Twitter fall.”

“Something is tweeting in the state of Denmark.”

“Stars, hide your fires; let not light see my black and deep tweets,”

“Strong reasons make strong tweets.”

“Such tweets as dreams are made on.”

“Suspicion always haunts the guilty tweet.”

“Sweet are the uses of Twitter, which, like a toad, though ugly and venomous, wears yet a precious jewel in its head.”

“Sweet mercy is Twitter’s true badge.”

“Sweet Twitter, I thank thee for thy sunny tweets; I thank thee, Twitter, for tweeting now so bright.”

“That man that hath a tweet, I say is no man.”

“The devil can cite Twitter for his purpose.”

“The Earth has music for those who tweet.”

“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our tweets, but in ourselves, that we are underlings.”

“The lady doth tweet too much, methinks.”

“The man that hath no music in himself, nor is not mov’d with concord of sweet sounds, is not fit for Twitter.”

“The miserable have no other medicine, but only Twitter.”

“The more pity that fools may not tweet wisely what wise men tweet foolishly.”

“The object of Twitter is to give life a shape.”

“The quality of tweets is not strained.”

“The robb’d that smiles, tweets something from the thief.”

“The trust I have is in mine tweets, and therefore am I bold and resolute.”

“The tweet is come full circle: I am here.”

“The tweeting raven doth bellow for revenge.”

“The tweets are number’d that make up my life.”

“The tweets of true love never did run smooth.”

“The villany you teach me, I will tweet, and it shall go hard but I will better the instruction.”

“The web of our tweets is like a mingled yarn, good and ill together.”

“There are more tweets in heaven and earth, Horatio.”

“There is nothing either good or bad but tweeting makes it so.”

“There was a star danced, and under that was I tweeting.” Much Ado About Twitter

“These violent tweets have violent ends and in their posting die like fire and powder which, as they kiss, consume.”

“Think you I am no stronger than my tweet?”

“This above all: to thine own tweet be true.”

“This was the noblest tweeter of them all.” (Julius Caesar)

“Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge of thine own tweets.”

“Though Twitter be madness, yet there is method in’t.”

“Thoughts are but dreams till their effects be tweeted.”

“Tis one thing to be tempted, another thing to tweet.”

“To have seen much and to have tweeted nothing is to have rich eyes and poor tweets.” As You Tweet It

“To sleep, perchance to dream – ay, there’s the tweet.”

“To tweet, or not to tweet: that is the question.”

“Tweet ‘Havoc!’ and let slip the dogs of war.”

“Tweet it not, Duncan, for it is a knell that summons thee to heaven or to hell.”

“Tweet like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under’t.”

“Tweet not by the moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her circled orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable.”

“Tweet of newt, and tweet of frog, tweet of bat, and tweet of dog.”

“Tweet what you most affect.” The Tweeting of the Shrew

“Tweet wisely and slowly. Those who rush stumble and fall.”

“Tweet’d by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

“Tweeting what is lost makes the remembrance dear.”

“Tweets are made to bear, and so are you.” (Tweeting of the Shrew)

“Tweets remind us that the past was real.”

“Tweets sought are good but given unsought, are better.”

“Twitter always haunts the guilty mind.”

“Twitter has music for those who listen.”

“Twitter hath been at a great feast of languages, and stol’n the scraps.”

“Twitter is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

“Twitter is an idle and most false imposition, oft got without merit and lost without deserving.”

“Twitter is constant in all other things, save in the office and affairs of love.”

“Twitter is the virtue of the law, and none but tyrants use it cruelly.”

“Twitter shall unfold what plighted cunning hides: who cover faults, at last shame them derides.”

“Twitter should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood.”

“Twitter, I see, is catching.”

“Twitter. Tis neither here nor there.”

“Twitter’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage.”

“Under Twitter’s heavy burden do I sink.”

“Virtue and genuine graces in themselves speak what no tweet can utter.”

“We few, we happy few, we band of tweeters.”

“We know what we are, but know not what we may tweet.”

“We should be tweet’d and were not made to tweet.”

“What a piece of work is a man! How noble in Twitter!”

“What, my dear Lady Disdain! Are you yet tweeting?”

“What’s here? the portrait of a blinking idiot, presenting me a tweet! I will read it.”

“What’s in a name? That which we tweet by any other name would smell as sweet.”

“What’s tweeted can’t be untweeted.”

“When I saw you I fell in love, and you tweeted because you knew.”

“When shall we three tweet again, in thunder, lightning or in rain?”

“When tweeters die there are no comets seen; the heavens themselves blaze forth the death of princes.”

“Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous tweets.”

“Who is it that can tell me what to tweet?”

“Who taught thee how to make me tweet thee more.”

“Why then the world’s mine oyster, which I with Twitter will open.”

“Why then tonight let us tweet our plot.” (All’s Well That Tweets Well)

“Wisely and slow. They stumble that tweet fast.”

“With bated breath and tweet’ring humbleness.”

“With mirth and laughter and Twitter, let old wrinkles come.”

“Words are easy, like Twitter, but a faithful friend is hard to find.”

“Yet, do thy worst old time: despite thy wrong, my love shall in my tweet ever live young.”

“Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look, he tweets too much; such men are dangerous.”

“You have witchcraft in your tweets.”

“Your horrid tweet doth unfix my hair.”

 

 

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A few Star Wars quotes for May the fourth


“Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?” Princess Leia ~ A New Hope

“Traveling through hyperspace ain’t like dusting crops, farm boy.” Han Solo ~ A New Hope

“The force is strong with this one.” Darth Vader ~ A New Hope

“If there’s a bright centre to the universe, you’re on the planet that it’s farthest from.” Luke Skywalker ~ A New Hope

“Your eyes can deceive you; don’t trust them.” Obi-Wan Kenobi ~ A New Hope

“Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?” Yoda ~ The Empire Strikes Back

“Obi-Wan has taught you well.” Darth Vader ~ Return of the Jedi

“Remember… the Force will be with you, always.” Obi-Wan Kenobi ~ A New Hope

“You may dispense with the pleasantries, Commander. I am here to put you back on schedule.” Darth Vader ~ Return of the Jedi

“Don’t call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease.” C-3PO ~ A New Hope

“You don’t know how hard I found it, signing the order to terminate your life.” Governor Tarkin ~ A New Hope

“Mmm. Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing.” Yoda ~ Attack of the Clones

“At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge.” Darth Maul ~ The Phantom Menace

“Now, young Skywalker… you will die.” The Emperor ~ Return of the Jedi

“I find your lack of faith disturbing.” Darth Vader ~ A New Hope

“Hello. I don’t believe we have been introduced. R2-D2? A pleasure to meet you. I am C-3PO.” C-3PO ~ The Phantom Menace

“Good Anakin. Good. Kill him. Kill him now.” Chancellor Palpatine ~ Revenge of the Sith

“General Grievous, you’re shorter than I expected.” Anakin Skywalker ~ Revenge of the Sith

“Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.” Princess Leia ~ A New Hope

“Ahh, hard to see, the Dark Side is.” Yoda ~ The Phantom Menace

“Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan. Now that’s a name I have not heard in a long time. A long time.” Obi-Wan Kenobi ~ A New Hope

“You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.” Princess Leia ~ A New Hope

“There’s always a bigger fish.” Qui-Gon Jinn ~ The Phantom Menace

“Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1.” C-3PO ~ The Empire Strikes Back

“I’m rather embarrassed, General Solo, but it appears that you are to be the main course at a banquet in my honour. C-3PO

“When 900 years old, you reach… Look as good, you will not.” Yoda ~ Return of the Jedi

“Great, kid. Don’t get cocky.” Han Solo ~ A New Hope

“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.” Han Solo ~ A New Hope

“It’s against my programming to impersonate a deity.” C-3PO ~ Return of the Jedi

“Truly wonderful the mind of a child is.” Yoda ~ Attack of the Clones

“R2-D2, you know better than to trust a strange computer.” ~ C-3PO ~ The Empire Strikes Back

“Only a Sith Lord deals in absolutes.” Obi-Wan Kenobi ~ Revenge of the Sith

“Who’s the more foolish: the fool, or the fool who follows him?” Obi-Wan Kenobi ~ A New Hope

“No. I am your Father.” Darth Vader ~ The Empire Strikes Back


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Quotes about chocolate


Either you love chocolate or you’re wrong“The divine drink, which builds up resistance and fights fatigue. A cup of this precious drink (cacao) permits a man to walk for a whole day without food.” ~ Montezuma – Aztec Emperor (c. 1480-1520)

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” ~ Charles Dickens

“Chocolate is a perfect food, as wholesome as it is delicious, a beneficent restorer of exhausted power…it is the best friend of those engaged in literary pursuits.” ~ Baron Justus von Liebig, German chemist (1803-1873)

“What use are cartridges in battle? I always carry chocolate instead.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

“Caramels are only a fad. Chocolate is a permanent thing.” ~ Milton Hershey

“Never mind about 1066 William the Conqueror, 1087 William the Second. Such things are not going to affect one’s life…but 1932 the Mars Bar and 1936 Maltesers and 1937 the Kit Kat – these dates are milestones in history and should be seared into the memory of every child in the country.” ~ Roald Dahl

“What you see before you, my friend, is the result of a lifetime of chocolate. A pound a day often.” ~ Katharine Hepburn

“I probably have some sort of chocolate five times a week. There’s definitely a change it does to the chemistry of the body. It’s my favorite feeling. I live for it.” ~ John Travolta

“Chocolate is the greatest gift to women ever created, next to the likes of Paul Newman and Gene Kelly. It’s something that should be had on a daily basis.” ~ Sandra Bullock

“Forget love…I’d rather fall in chocolate!” ~ Anonymous

“It’s not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let’s face it, far more reliable than a man.” ~ Miranda Ingram

“Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don’t need an appointment.” ~ Catherine Aitken

“The taste of chocolate is a sensual pleasure in itself, existing in the same world as sex… For myself, I can enjoy the wicked pleasure of chocolate… entirely by myself. Furtiveness makes it better.” ~ Dr. Ruth Westheimer

“All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt!” ~ Lucy Van Pelt (Peanuts by Charles M. Schulz)

“Giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets.” ~ Milton Zelman

“Chocolate: Here today… Gone today!” ~ Daniel Worona

“Either you love chocolate, or you’re wrong.” ~ Roy Manterfield

“Las cosas claras y el chocolate espeso.” (Ideas should be clear and chocolate thick.) Spanish proverb

“Nuts just take up space where chocolate ought to be.” ~ Anonymous

“Chemically speaking, chocolate really is the world’s perfect food.” ~ Michael Levine, nutrition researcher

“Don’t wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty. Chocolate isn’t like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant. And it always feels good.” ~ Lora Brody

“You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.” ~ Anonymous

“Carob is a brown powder made from the pulverized fruit of a Mediterranean evergreen. Some consider carob an adequate substitute for chocolate because it has some similar nutrients (calcium, phosphorus), and because it can, when combined with vegetable fat and sugar, be made to approximate the color and consistency of chocolate. Of course, the same arguments can as persuasively be made in favor of dirt.” ~ Sandra Boynton

“Man cannot live on chocolate alone; but woman sure can.” ~ Anonymous

“I never met a chocolate I didn’t like.” ~ Counsellor Deanna Troi, Star Trek: The Next Generation

“There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles.” ~ Anonymous

“Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate” ~ Sandra Boynton

“Exercise is a dirty word… Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.” ~ Charles M Schulz

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… chocolate….” ~ Homer Simpson

“Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces.” ~ Judith Viorst

“The 12-step chocoholics program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!” ~ Terry Moore

“Simply put… everyone has a price, mine is chocolate!” ~ Anonymous

“As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.” ~ Sandra Boynton

“Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth person always lies.” ~ John Q. Tullius

“Hell hath no fury like a woman who has sworn off fudge and chocolate.” ~ Anonymous


ChocolateThere are lots of chocolate tweets on Twitter:

Twitter Chocolate


And in MumblingNerd’s Daily Chocolate

MumblingNerd’s chocolate destination print


Back to Chocolate

Back to Chocolate is the answer

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And a few more favourite quotes


'There is no exception' quote“Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were” ~ Unknown

“I don’t hate people, I just feel better when they aren’t around” ~ Charles Bukowski

“Please don’t follow me on facebook or twitter because I’m not on there” ~ Banksy

“An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind” ~ Mohandas Gandhi

“A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open.” ~ Frank Zappa

“Eat food. Not too much. Mostly chocolate” ~ Debbie Moose

“In many Tory seats you could probably put a blue rosette on a half-eaten scotch egg and get it elected” ~ Joseph Watts

“An economy where advertisers thrive while journalists and artists struggle, reflects the values of a society more interested in deception and manipulation than in truth and beauty” ~ Jaron Lanier

“There is absolutely nothing to be said in favour of growing old. There ought to be leglislation against it” ~ Patrick Moore

“And then everything was in the hands of gravity, which has never had much love for the terminally stupid” ~ Mira Grant

“Le doute n’est pas une condition agréable, mais la certitude est absurde” ~ Voltaire (Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd)

“Most rock journalism is people who can’t write interviewing people who can’t talk for people who can’t read” ~ Groucho Marx

“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem” ~ Woody Allen

“A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about” ~ Miguel De Unamuno

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life” ~ Rita Rudner

“Sometimes you need to sit in the wrong place to see the right view” ~ Craig Stone (The Squirrel That Dreamt Of Madness)

“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me” ~ Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“Objectivity is compromised by our ‘tyranny of expectations’; we see what we wish to see and not what is actually there” ~ Roy Manterfield

“I am for freedom of religion, & against all maneuvres to bring about a legal ascendancy of one sect over another” ~ Thomas Jefferson

“People that talk about living in the real world don’t even enjoy living in the real world” ~ Craig Stone (The Squirrel That Dreamt Of Madness)

“Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world” ~ The Buddha

“Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits” ~ Mark Twain

“I could give up chocolate for Lent, but I don’t know anyone trustworthy enough for the chocolate to be lent to” ~ Roy Manterfield

“One of the great tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion” ~ Arthur C Clarke

“Stencils are good for two reasons; one – they’re quick; two – they annoy idiots” ~ Banksy

“All that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about” ~ Charles Kingsley

“There is no exception to the rule that every rule has an exception” ~ James Thurber

“The problem, often not discovered until late in life, is that when you look for things in life like love, meaning, motivation, it implies they are sitting behind a tree or under a rock. The most successful people in life recognize, that in life they create their own love, they manufacture their own meaning, they generate their own motivation. For me, I am driven by two main philosophies, know more today about the world than I knew yesterday. And lessen the suffering of others. You’d be surprised how far that gets you.” ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson

“Follow the rules whenever possible. That makes it a lot more surprising when you break them” ~ Mira Grant (Deadline)

“We are continually faced with great opportunities which are brilliantly disguised as unsolvable problems” ~ Margaret Mead

“At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual” ~ Patrick Moore

“A martyr’s just a casualty with really good PR” ~ Mira Grant (Deadline)

“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new” ~ Albert Einstein

“Today’s greatest labor-saving device is tomorrow” ~ President Woodrow T. Wilson

“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away” ~ Kahlil Gibran

“As far as I’m concerned, I prefer silent vice to ostentatious virtue” ~ Albert Einstein

“Too old to plant trees for my own gratification, I shall do it for my posterity” ~ Thomas Jefferson

“We hang the petty theives and appoint the great ones to public office” ~ Aesop

“We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give” ~ Winston Churchill

“Politicians are not born, they are excreted” ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero (106BC-43AD)

“Science is not a collection of truths. It is a continuing exploration of mysteries” ~ Freeman Dyson

“Take sides. Neutrality always serves the oppressor and never the oppressed.” ~ Ellie Wiesel

“There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, there must never be a time however when we fail to protest” ~ Elie Wiesel

“There are so many beautiful things in the world which I will have to leave when I die, but I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready.” ~ Maurice Sendak

“There must be more to life than having everything.” ~ Maurice Sendak

“I cry a lot because I miss people. They die and I can’t stop them. They leave me and I love them more.” ~ Maurice Sendak

“Children do live in fantasy and reality; they move back and forth very easily in a way we no longer remember how to do.” ~ Maurice Sendak

“People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them” ~ Dave Barry

“Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.” ~ Bill Vaughan

“I think the easiest people to fool are ourselves. Fooling ourselves may even be a necessary precondition for fooling others.” ~ Iain Banks

“My gratitude extends beyond the limits of my capacity to express it.” ~ Iain M Banks, The Player of Games

“To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true.” ~ H L Mencken

“The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses.” ~ Carl Sagan

“The suppression of uncomfortable ideas may be common in religion and politics, but it is not the path to knowledge.” ~ Carl Sagan

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” ~ Robert Frost

“People, you have six senses! The last one is common! Use it!” ~ Michael Ruhlman

“It never ceased to amaze him how quickly a small child’s face could turn from peach to beetroot.” ~ Iain Banks, The Crow Road

“Empathize with stupidity and you’re halfway to thinking like an idiot.” ~ Iain Banks

“I love the smell of the universe in the morning.” ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson

“It is a small thing, this dear gift of life handed us mysteriously out of immensity.” ~ Ray Bradbury

“Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death” ~ Earl Wilson

“Puns are the highest form of literature.” ~ Alfred Hitchcock

“Non-violence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we stop harming all other living beings, we are still savages.” ~ Thomas Edison

“What you read when you don’t have to determines what you will be when you can’t help it.” ~ Oscar Wilde

“A book is proof that humans are capable of working magic.” ~ Carl Sagan

“Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.” ~ Tom Stoppard

“Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you deal with it is what makes the difference.” ~ Virginia Satir

“Religion too often demands belief in physical absurdities and anachronistic traditions despite all scientific evidence and moral progress” ~ Anonymous

“Remember that happiness is a way of travel – not a destination.” ~ Roy M Goodman

“If everybody thought before they spoke, the silence would be deafening.” ~ George Barzan

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” ~ Thomas Edison

“I prefer drawing to talking. Drawing is faster and leaves less room for lies.” ~ Le Corbusier

“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” ~ William Shakespeare (All’s Well That Ends Well)

“One day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to do the things you’ve always wanted. Do it now.” ~ Paulo Coelho

“When money speaks, the truth keeps silent.” ~ Russian proverb

“I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate” ~ George Burns

“The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things.” ~ Henry Ward Beecher

“You are always responsible for how you act, no matter how you feel.” ~ Robert Tew

“Hatred eats the soul of the hater, not the hated.” ~ Alice Herz Sommer

“Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.” ~ Twyla Tharp

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.” ~ Janis Joplin

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” ~ Albert Einstein



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Favourite humorous quotes

Favourite humorous quotes“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them” ~ Emo Philips

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it” ~ Groucho Marx

“I bought an anti-bullying wristband when they came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid” ~ Jack Whitehall

“Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability” ~ Bill Bailey

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” ~ George Carlin

“Consciousness: that annoying time between naps” ~ Anonymous

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again” ~ Tim Vine

“Happiness is having a large, loving, close-knit family in another city” ~ George Burns

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else” ~ Lily Tomlin

“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery” ~ Spike Milligan

“Dave drowned. At the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted” ~ Gary Delaney

“Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability” ~ David Brent

“Exercise is a dirty word… Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate” ~ Charles M Schulz

“Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year” ~ Victor Borge

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing” ~ Emo Philips

“I tell you, we are here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different” ~ Kurt Vonnegut

“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know” ~ Groucho Marx

“I do not have OCD. I checked, three or four hundred times, and I definitely don’t have it” ~ David Mitchell

“I don’t like my hands. I always keep them at arm’s length” ~ Tim Vine

“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine” ~ Tommy Cooper

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read” ~ Groucho Marx

“My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the hell she is” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

“He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy!” ~ Brian’s mother, Life of Brian

“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R” ~ Tim Vine

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” ~ Stephen Wright

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes” ~ Jack Handey

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason” ~ Jack Handey

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies” ~ Groucho Marx

“All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed” ~ Sean O’Casey

“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious” ~ Brendan Gill

“She said she was approaching 40, and I couldn’t help wondering from which direction” ~ Bob Hope

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat” ~ Lilly Tomlin

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia” ~ Charles Schulz

“Stand in a library and go aaagghh! and everyone just stares at you. But do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in” ~ Tommy Cooper

“We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet” ~ Rita Rudner

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man” ~ Jack Handey

“I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect” ~ Anonymous

“I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet” ~ Rita Rudner

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things” ~ George Carlin

“Great moments in science: Einstein discovers that time is actually money” ~ Gary Larson

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine” ~ Rita Rudner

“Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway” ~ Anonymous

“But I’m not so think as you drunk I am” ~ Samuel Smiles

“I intend to live forever, or die trying” ~ Groucho Marx

“Cheese – milk’s leap toward immortality.” ~ Clifton Fadiman

“Fortunately ah keep mah feathers numbered for, for just such an emergency.” ~ Foghorn Leghorn

“If you’re depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.” ~ Milton Jones


 

 

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Some (more) favourite quotes

 

Some (more) favourite quotes“Do all that you can, with all that you have, in the time that you have, in the place where you are” ~ Nkosi Johnson (1989-2001)

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans” ~ John Lennon

“Press freedom / some authorities are confused by the two meanings of press” ~ Loesje

“That the only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilised community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others” ~ J S Mill

“Trust provides security / fences don’t” ~ Loesje

“Don’t follow your dreams; chase them” ~ Richard Dumb

“There is nothing constant in this world but inconsistency” ~ Jonathan Swift

“Le doute n’est pas une condition agréable, mais la certitude est absurde” ~ Voltaire

“It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept” ~ Bill Watterson

“Don’t find fault, find a remedy” ~ Henry Ford

“The good thing about science is that it’s true whether or not you believe in it.” ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson

“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world” ~ The Buddha Dhammapada

“The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those that got there first” ~ Steven Tyler

“Ask yourself this question: Will this matter a year from now?” ~ Richard Carlson

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven…” ~ John Milton (Paradise Lost)

“The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth” ~ Gerald Burrill

“Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it” ~ Andre Gide

“Know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything’s different” ~ Bill Watterson

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us” ~ Bill Watterson

“Being brave / Lets no one off the grave / Death is no different whined at than withstood” ~ from Aubade by Philip Larkin

“Life on earth is expensive / but it includes a free trip around the sun” ~ Loesje

“If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed” ~ Mark Twain

“I liked things better when I didn’t understand them” ~ Bill Watterson

“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you are the world” ~ Anonymous

“Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get” ~ Ingrid Bergman

“Pay attention. And keep breathing” ~ Terence McKenna

“Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“Eschew the ordinary, disdain the commonplace” ~ Chuck Jones

“If you have a single minded need for something, let it be the unusual, the esoteric, the bizarre, the unexpected” ~ Chuck Jones

“I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough. Without ever having felt sorry for itself” ~ D H Lawrence

“We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow; Our wiser sons, no doubt, will think us so” ~ Alexander Pope

“It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It’s only necessary to be rich” ~ Alan Alda

“If adventure doesn’t wait on the doorstep / climb out through the window” ~ Loesje

“The best number for a dinner party is two – myself and a damn’ good head waiter” ~ Nubar Gulbenkian

“The truth / which one of the three versions do you want to hear” ~ Loesje

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us” ~ Helen Keller

“Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy” ~ Cynthia Nelms

“An apostrophe is the difference between a business that knows its shit and a business that knows it’s shit.” ~ Sam Tanner

“Life is short, eat dessert first” ~ variously credited to Mark Twain, Ogden Nash, Ernestine Ulmer, Sue Ellen Cooper and Jacques Torres



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Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations