D

Dampen (n): exclamation when you run out of ink
Dandelion (n): fashionably dressed African feline
Darjeeling (v): spoonerism for dealing in jars
Dartmouth (n): a medical condition common in pubs
Deadline (n): mortuary queue
Deadline (n): the chalk outline drawn around a murder victim
Debacle (n): loss of voice in dogs
Debating (v): removing worms from fish hooks
Debilitate (n): to remove all the goats from an art gallery
Debriefed (v): to have your underwear removed
Decadent (n): only having ten teeth
Deceiving (v): opposite of receiving
Decent (n): one hundredth of dedollar
Deciduous (n): unable to make decisions
Declare (v): splitting up with Clare
Dedication (n): vacation for zombies
Default (n): cause of deproblem
Defeat (v): to chop off someone’s feet
Defecate (n): one of two Kates with crap hearing
Defence (v): to remove a fence
Defer (v): to shave a cat
Define (v): to produce roughness
Definitions (n): very loud munitions
Deformation (n): learning to write the 4th letter of the alphabet
Delegate (n): entrance to a delicatessen
Delete (n): to get rid of all your letes
Deleterious (n): compulsive deletion
Deliberant (n): intentional ant
Deliberate (n): premeditated eating
Delight (v): to turn off a lamp
Deliver (n): effect of too much alcohol
Demand (v): to get rid of Mandy
Denial (n): river in Egypt
Depend (n): farthest part of the pool from the shallow end
Depend (n): to have your writing implement stolen
Dependant (n): an ant you can rely on
Deplore (v): to clear out your old plores
Depravity (n): bottomless gravity
Describe (n): person who writes on office furniture
Destabilise (n): to move horses outside
Detail (v): squirrel deconstruction
Detailed (n): Manx cat
Detention (n): the purpose of relaxation
Deterred (n): to clean a cat litter tray
Detract (v): to dismantle a railway
Devine (v): to scrap your vineyard
Devotee (v): to spoil a ballot paper
Diabolical (n): painful scrotum
Dialectic (n): electric Dalek
Dialysis (n): sibling speed-dial
Diarrhoea (n): alternative spelling of ‘dire rear’
Diatribe (n): tribal failure
Dictator (n): well endowed spud
Dictionary (n): hairy language
Dilate (n): long lived
Dilute (n): very wet pear-shaped guitar
Dim-sum (n): 2 + 2 = 5
Dingy (n): small grubby boat
Diphthong (n): very small swimwear
Disappointment (n): to cancel an appointment
Disavowal (n): to reject the reality of vowels
Discerning (n): music royalties
Discount (n): checking the length of someone’s spine
Discover (n): CD jewel case
Discover (n): when a music CD finishes
Discussion (n): mild head injury from a thrown discus
Disgrace (n): race between disks
Disgruntled (n): a pig with laryngitis
Disgusting (n): draught excluder
Disgusting (n): when the wind stops blowing
Dishevelled (n): unkempt dishes
Dispense (n): not that pence
Dispiriting (n): an exorcism
Display (v): to press the stop button
Disreputable (n): disgraceful table
Distilling (n): to show contempt for the way a field is ploughed
Distracted (n): to have your tractor removed
Divergence (n): scuba for men
Diverse (n): Welsh poetry
Doctor (n): waterfront sightseeing
Doggerel (n): a cockerel the day after the night before
Dogma (n): mother of a SOB
Dogmatic (n): Dr Who’s K9
Doorhandle (n): misspelling of D’or Handel
Dragoon (n): cross-dressing light cavalry
Drama (n): dramatic llama
Dressage (v): the dating of old frocks
Dulcet (n): very boring game of tennis
Dung (v): to strike a bell with manure
Duopoly (n): two simultaneous games of Monopoly
Dust (n): dirt with the moisture removed

E

Edit (n): cranial violence
Economist (n): discounted fog
Ecstatic (n): a stationary ec
Ecstatic (n): no longer contains an electrical charge
Edinburgh (n): what happened to Pooh Bear
Edit (n): cranial violence
Effluent (n): eloquent swearing
Egalitarian (n): someone who eats birds of prey
Egotism (n): a case of mistaken nonentity.
Egotist (n): someone usually me-deep in conversation
Elemental (n): crazy elephant
Elfin (n): Spanish shark
Eligible (n): a qualified bull
Elocution (n): death by enunciation
Eloquent (n): an articulate elephant
Embalm (n): very durable lip salve
Empty (n): modified tweet
Enamour (n): love of old bathtubs
Encounter (n): chicken quantifier
Encroach (n): cockroach infestation
Encryption (n): to be buried in the family plot
Ending (n): sound made by striking the letter N
Engrave (n): where chickens are buried
Enough (n): French for one egg
Enquire (n): singing chickens
En-suite (n): contents of a dessert
Equinox (n): sound of two coconut shells knocking together
Erratic (n): social networking for rodents
Erudite (v): to be rude online
Eschew (v): trying to avoid sneezing
España (n): Spanish word for spanner
Esplanade (n): Spanish lemonade
Estrange (n): eccentric websites
Euphemism (n): European feminism
Euphemism (n): the enthusiasm of youth
Euripides (v): new trousers and you’re in trouble
European (n): the charge for using a French toilet
Evanescent (n): smells of Evan
Exclaim (n): a misplaced goldmine
Excrete (n): former resident of a Greek island
Execute (n): used to be cute
Executive (n): someone prone to execution
Exile (n): no longer an island
Expectant (n): no longer pectant
Expectorate (n): when your chest muscles are in decline
Explain (n): mountainous area
Explain (n): subsequent to cosmetic enhancement
Explain (v): to leave the aircraft
Express (n): used to be a journalist
Expressed (n): can no longer be pressed
Expunge (v): to get rid of an old kitchen sponge
Extortion (n): the hobby that pays
Extractor Fan (n): aversion to farm machinery
Extradition (n): one dition more than required
Extradition (v): standing during the national anthem
Extramural (n): another damned mural
Extraordinary (n): to be very, very ordinary
Extravaganza (n): a spare vaganza
Extreme (n): dried up watercourse
Eyedropper (n): clumsy optician

F

Fable (n): legendary table
Fable (n): legendary table
Facebook (v): how to start reading
Facile (n): supermarket speed lane
Fanatic (n): loft enthusiast
Fancy (n): obsession with fans
Farce (n): very distant face
Farcical (n): frozen fart
Farcical (n): long distance bike
Farrow (n): distant argument
Farrow (v): a litter offence; wilful dispersal of piglets
Farting (n): distant church bells
Fastidious (n): a gruesome runner
Fatuous (n): frying sediment
Faucet (n): stiff plumbing
Faux pas (n): stepfather
Feckless (n): not swearing in Ireland
Fecund (n): to swear between 1st and 3rd
Feedback (n): vomit
Felon (v): to trip over a thief
Fertilise (n): deceitful plant food
Fibula (n): a small lie
Figure (n): fertilizer made from dried fruit
Finance (n): satisfactory ants
Finland (n): aquarium
Finnish (n): a bit like a fin
Fissure (n): sparkling fertilizer
Fjord (n): Norwegian car.
Flagrant (n): pennant rage
Flagrant (n): shouting about your flag knowledge
Flapjack (n): Jack-in-a-box lid
Flash drive (n): transparent car
Flattery (n): dead battery
Flatulence (n): combination steamroller and ambulance
Flatulent (n): apartment on loan
Fleece (n): to swindle a sheep of its wool
Flocculent (n): borrowed chickens
Flocculent (n): borrowed sheep
Flotation (n): romance on a cruise
Flotation (v): to rotate in water
Fluency (n): to stay away from school with a virus
Focaccia (n): Italian for ‘sneeze’
Foible (v): to cover in aluminium foil
Footloose (n): broken ankle
Footstool (n): dog fouling blunder
Foreboding (n): prior to boding
Forensic (n): being ill during a holiday abroad
Foreplay (n): requiring three other people
Foreshortening (n): circumcision
Forfeit (n): often attached to four legs
Forgive (n): the Three Kings, plus one
Forlorn (n): grass cutting equipment
Fornicate (n): catering for orgies
Fortunate (v): to eat expensive tuna
Fracas (n): plural of fracking
Fragrant (n): perfumed ant
Fragrant (v): to detonate while ranting
Frankincense (n): enraged Frenchman
Freelance (n): complimentary spear
Freezing (n): zings being given away
Freight (n): posh pronunciation of fright
French Toast (n): ‘Mesdames et Messieurs lever vos verres pour…’
Frequent (n): when the weirdo has moved on
Freshen (n): new chicken
Freudian slip (n): bizarre or nonsensical undergarment worn in error
Frisbee (n): bee with a perm
Frittering (v): pre-internet age word for twittering
Frontage (n): the age you declare
Fuchsia (n): impending flowers
Fulcrum (n): cookie baking jargon
Fumigator (n): very angry reptile
Fundamental (n): to pay for someone’s counselling
Fundamentalist (n): to sponsor a creation of the mind
Fushing (n): fishing in the toilet
Futility (n): a deficient public utility