P

Pacifist (n): ocean enthusiast
Package (n): use by date
Paladin (n): noisy friends
Palindrome (n): a friend at the airport
Palindrome (n): dromedary with humps that look the same way in either direction
Palmist (n): fog so dense you can see your hand
Paltry (n): worthless chickens
Pampas (n): South American diapers/nappies
Panache (n): burnt saucepan
Panorama (n): very wide llama
Panthers (n): her pants, not yours
Pantomime (v): trouser miming
Papal (n): Vatican e-commerce
Parables (n): two male bovines
Parade (n): golfing beverage
Paradigm (n): ten cent coin with a chute
Paradox (n): skydiving doctors
Paradox (n): two doctors
Paragraph (n): red beret graphic designer
Paragraph (n): skydiving chart
Parallax (n): laxative used by paratroopers
Parallax (n): two axes lined up side by side
Paranoia (n): anti-bacterial hand wash
Paranoia (v): to upset a parachutist
Paraphrase (n): ‘my shute didn’t open’
Parentheses (n): parents in a higher income bracket
Parsnip (n): father’s vasectomy
Participants (n): trousers to share
Partnered (n): not a complete nerd
Pasteurise (n): extremely deep bath water
Pastrami (n): prequel to the TV show Futurama
Patchouli (n): material used to repair holes in clothing
Patent (n): campsite fee
Pathological (n): the shortest route between two points
Paunch (n): posh fisticuffs
Pedagogue (n): foot fetishist
Pedal bin (n): for cycling instead of recycling waste
Pedigree (n): foot care diploma
Peerage (n): prostate problems
Penal-reform (n): changing the shape of your penis
Penalties (n): neckwear for prison staff
Pendant (n): line drawing of an insect
Pending (n): Biro alarm
Penitent (n): camping urinal
Pension (n): to avoid pens
Pentangle (n): a disorganised bunch of writing implements
Penultimate (n): best writing instrument ever
Percussion (n): the cost of each pillow
Perdition (n): newspaper edition for cats
Perfidious (n): ugly perforations
Perjury (n): usually twelve people
Permission (n): hair curling assignment
Permissive (n): huge curly hairstyle
Perverse (n): poetry income
Pester (n): annoying jester
Petulant (n): dog or cat for loan
Philanthropist (n): drunken stamp collector
Philately (n): to flatter a stamp collection
Phobias (n): alcohol-free beers
Phoenician (n): a reminder to call Ician
Pierrot (n): seaside pleasure pier decay
Piety (n): to find pies irresistible
Pigmentation (n): colourful swine
Pilates (n): exercise for pilots
Pilgrim (n): a horrible tasting tablet
Pillage (n): medication use by date
Pillar (n): dispenser of pills
Pillock (n): secure medication
Piñata (n): victim of brutal mistreatment
Pinion (n): tiny onion
Pinnacle (n): frozen piña colada
Pioneering (n): pie design earring
Pirate (n): pie classification system
Piscatorial (n): fishing lesson
Piscatorial (n): teaching cats to use a litter tray
Pistachio (n): a moustache you take the piss out of
Pitta (n): bread made by the patter of tiny feet
Pizzeria (n): bottom of a pizza
Plaintiff (n): unadorned argument
Plateau (n): a high form of flattery
Platitude (n): to praise a braided hairstyle
Plato (n): Italian for plate
Platonic (n): relationship hindered by gin
Plumage (n): over-ripe fruit
Podcast (n): how young peas are thrust into the world
Polarise (n): sight problem of polar explorers
Polarise (n): what polar bears see with
Polite (n): small portable toilet
Politician (n): optician for parrots
Politics (n): parasite of parrots
Pollination (n): parrot country
Poltergeist (n): German for guest chicken
Polycarbonate (n): a parrot mascot mounted above the engine on a car
Polygamist (n): fog phobia in parrots
Polygamy (n): to have multiple parrots
Polygon (n): lost parrot
Polygraph (n): used to detect lying parrots
Polynesia (n): memory loss in parrots
Polynomial (n): diet for parrots
Polysyllables (n): pieces of eight
Polyvinyl (n): parrot cage lining
Ponder (n): person who builds garden water features
Poodle (n): long puddle
Porcupine (n): a yearning for bacon.
Portent (n): temporary shelter that leaks
Portrait (n): impoverished mannerism
Posh (n): Victorian spice
Post mortem (n): result of forgetting to mail something
Posthumous (n): hummus delivered by mail
Potent (n): camping toilet
Pragmatic (n): Czech computerised toilet
Precedent (n): head of government
Precipitate (n): art gallery on the edge of an abyss
Precursor (n): using keyboard commands
Precursors (n): swearing without provocation
Pre-empted (n): still full
Prejudice (n): biased dice
Preposterous (n): prior to posterous
Prequel (n): travel sickness
Pressure cooker (n): a stressed chef
Pretence (n): before stress
Primate (n): principal life partner
Prints (n): plural of prince
Prism (n): place for felons to refract on their crimes
Prison-break (n): afternoon tea at HM Prison Dartmoor
Procrastinate (n): to delay the playing of castanets
Procrastinating (n): progression from amateurcrastinating
Procrastination (n): Pinterest
Procreate (n): design by a professional artist
Product (n): professional duck
Programme (n): professional metric weight
Prologue (n): log that no longer has amateur status
Promotion (n): to be in favour of movement
Pronoun (n): when you’re ready to move on from amateur nouns
Pronunciation (n): speech by a professional nun
Propaganda (v): to have a good stare at someone
Propagate (n): authentic entrance
Propagate (n): easy garden access
Property (n): made in a teapot with leaf tea
Prosthetic (n): artificial sex worker
Protagonist (n): professional tag player
Protein (n): in support of youth
Protractor (n): not for amateur farmers
Provenance (n): an area attributed to the south of France
Pruning (n): constipation treatment
Pseudo (n): fake dough
Psoriasis (n): sister with sore eyes
Psychopath (n): the path to Bates Motel
Psychosis (n): crazy sibling
Public (v): what to do when you spill beer
Publish (n): almost a pub
Puerile (n): an uninhabited island
Pumpkin (n): inflated relative
Punctual (n): a prompt burst tyre
Punctuation (n): to pick holes in someone’s word play
Puncture (v): to make a hole pun
Pundit (n): successful word play
Pungent (n): male word play
Punish (n): almost word play
Punishment (n): retribution for word play
Puritanism (n): the haunting fear that someone somewhere might be happy
Purloin (n): having a contented cat in your lap
Purloin (n): the low rhythmic noise made by a cat when its underbelly is stroked
Pursue (v): to steal a purse
Purveyor (n): surveyor of cats
Pygmalion (n): a tiny lion
Pyjama (n): a bedtime llama
Pyrex (n): crashed bakery truck

Q

Quadrangle (n): four sided argument
Quail (n): small trembling bird
Quark (n): an elementary particle duck
Quarrel (n): to argue with a squirrel
Qué será, será (n): Spanish for ‘Where is the CAKE?!’
Quench (n): female server of drinks
Quintessence (n): the aroma of five babies
Quirk (n): anomalous captain of the starship Enterprise

R

Racism (n): irrational hatred of running
Radish (n): not very radical
Raffia (n): Russian Mafia
Raisin (n): grape with sunburn
Raison d’être (n): French dried fruit
Ramble (v): to stroll into a male sheep
Rambunctious (n): noisy and overexcited ram
Rampage (n): explicit webpage for lonely sheep
Rampant (n): random-access memory underwear
Ramparts (n): nether regions of a ram
Ramshackle (v): to impede a male sheep
Rapscallion (n): someone who hates onions
Ratatouille (n): French for a pair of rats
Rational (n): wise rodent
Raucous (n): unprepared couscous
Realize (n): not glass ones
Rebuff (v): to undress twice
Rebuttal (n): cosmetic bottom enhancement
Receiving (v): following an unsuccessful ceiving
Reception (n): more than one conception
Reciprocation (n): recipe specifically for use on vacation
Recluse (n): to cluse more than once
Redress (v): to dress twice
Rehearse (v): second coffin delivery, but to the correct address
Rehydrate (v): what Dr Jekyll does
Relax (n): second dose of laxative
Relent (n): library book renewal
Relevant (n): an appropriate ant
Relief (v): action of trees in spring
Remiss (n): reference to a female teacher
Remit (v): to put gloves back on
Remorse (n): telegraphic blunder
Remote (v): to dig a new ditch around your castle
Renegade (n): fox flavoured beverage
Repeat (v): to use peat twice
Repetition (v): to loose the original petition
Replete (v): to renew gathered folds in a skirt
Restaurant (n): dilemma of either resting or ranting
Restitution (n): sleep academy
Restrain (n): to reuse tea leaves to brew another pot
Retail (v): squirrel repair
Retort (v): to have another slice of cake
Retrospect (n): old fashioned spectacles
Retweet (n): when a canary gets its voice back
Reverse (n): to lengthen poetry
Revolting (v): to replace batteries
Rhubarb (n): to regret buying a Barbie
Rhyme (n): nor reason
Ridge (n): inadequate bridge
Ridge (v): to get rid of a midge
Rigor mortis (n): carpentry term for a wooden erection
Ringleader (n): first person in the bath
Robbery (n): stolen strawberries
Robust (n): broken robot
Romania (n): to be obsessed with canoes
Rough (n): dog with a sore throat
Routine (n): to regret being a teenager
Royal Mail (n): Prince Charles
Royalist (n): inventory of the monarchy
Rucksack (n): to be dismissed for brawling
Rudiment (n): vulgar salt and pepper
Rudimentary (n): school for rude children
Rueful (n): French traffic