Tag: jokes

Fairly short ones…

A man walks into a bar with jump cables. The bartender says “You can come in, but don’t start anything!”

Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks…

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. “What do you call him?” asks the bartender. “I call him Tiny, because he’s my newt!”

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Give me a beer, and a mop.”

A soccer ball walks into a bar; the bartender kicks him out.

A baseball walks into a bar; the bartender throws him out.

A man walks into a bar and says “Ouch.”

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says “Can I help you?” The duck says “Yes, you can get this man off my butt!”

A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says “Want to hear a good joke?” The corn stalk says “I’m all ears!”

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A Möbius strip walked into a bar, sobbing. The bartender said “What’s wrong?” The Möbius strip replied “Where do I even begin?”

A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The bartender says “I’m not serving you; you’re out of your skull!”

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What is this, a joke?”

or…

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rabbit “What will you have?” The rabbit says “I don’t know, I’m only here because of autocorrect.”

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks for a beer. “I can’t serve you.” says the bartender “You’re Bard!”

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars walk into a bar. They did wonder what on Earth was going on, but they didn’t planet.

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks “What can I get you?” The goldfish says “Water.”

A dolphin walks into a bar. The bartender ignores it on porpoise.

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Give me a beer and put it on my bill.”

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says “In all the time I’ve been tending bars, I’ve never served a weasel. What can I get you?” “Pop” goes the weasel.

A pterodactyl walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Ptwo ptequilas, pthanks.”

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks “Would you like a beer?” Descartes replies “I think not” and disappears.

A bear walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a beer………………………..and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says “Why the big pause?”

A baby seal walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” asks the bartender. “Anything but a Canadian Club” replies the seal…

Ironically, a baby seal walks into a club.

A horse walks into a bar. It earns a four fault penalty.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “So, why the long face?”

A warhorse walks into a bar. The bartender says “So, why the long film?”

A Norse walks into a bar. The bartender says “So, why the long boat?”

The Eiger walks into a bar. The bartender says “So, why the North Face?”

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a bar. He looks around and announces “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”

A Scotsman walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear. He says to the bartender “What’s this, a boot?”

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a ‘double entendre’. So the bartender gave her one…

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks “Do I come here often?”

A man walks into a bar… and fails to win the International Limbo Championships.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

A blind man walks into a bar…

A ventriloquist walks into a gar…

An untalented gymnast walks into a bar…

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks “Olive or twist?”

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar…

C, E flat and G walk into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, no minors.”

A Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here!”

A man walks into a bar and says “C a n I h a v e a p i n t p l e a s e ?” The bartender replies “Are you okay? You sound a bit spaced out.”

A pedant walks into a tavern, because of course ‘bar’ means the serving counter rather than the establishment itself. He drinks alone.

A man walks into a bar and orders 15 litres of wine. The bartender asks if he brought a container. He replies; “You’re speaking to it.”

A man walks into a bar and requests a large glass of prune juice. The bartender asks “Is that to go?”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says “A beer please, and one for the road.”

A bar of gold walks into a bar, a bar of silver turns around and says, “AU, get out of here!”

A man walks into a bar in Trinidad and the bartender says “If you’re here about the limbo dancer job you’ve just failed.”

A meme walks into a bar. The barman says “Drinks for everyone?” The meme asks why and the barman replies “Because you’re getting around.”

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

An oxymoron walks into a bar, the silence was deafening.

The bartender says “We don’t serve time travellers here.” A time traveller walks into a bar.

Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, he says “Damn, I forgot to feed the dog.”

The Sahara walks into a bar. The bartender says “Long time, no sea.”

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and asks for five beers.

A cowboy walks into a bar wearing paper clothes. The bartender asks him what he’s doing and the cowboy replies “Rustling…”

A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bartender here?”

Medium sized ones…

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse serving drinks. The horse says “What are you staring at? Have you never seen a horse serving drinks?” The man says “No, I just didn’t think parrot would sell the bar.”

A grasshopper hops in to a bar. The bartender says “You’re quite a celebrity here; we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun at the bus stop. He goes up to her and punches her in face. She falls down and he screams “Not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

Two yoghurts walk into a bar. “We don’t serve your kind in here” says the bartender. A yoghurt asks “Why not, we’re cultured.”

Dr Watson was in a bar, it was past closing time and he was a bit drunk. “Come on” said the barman “Haven’t you got Holmes to go to?”

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his trousers. The bartender asks “Isn’t that uncomfortable?” The pirate responds “Aarrrr, its driving me nuts.”

A Roman centurion walked into a bar and asked for a martinus. The bartender said; “Don’t you mean a martini?” The centurion replied; “If I’d wanted a double I would have asked!”

A saw and a hammer go into a bar and some other tools join them; the saw turns to the hammer and says “You know the drill, don’t you?”

A pig walks into a bar orders ten beers. When he’s finished, the bartender asks “Don’t you need the toilet?” The pig says “No, I go wee wee wee all the way home.”

A penguin waddles into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender asks “I don’t know, what does he look like?”

Very slightly longer ones…

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a woman and a dog. The man asks “Does your dog bite?” The woman answers “Never!” The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The woman replies “He doesn’t. This isn’t my dog.”

A man walks into a bar holding an alligator. He asks the bartender “Do you serve lawyers here?” The bartender says “Yes, we do!” “Good,” replies the man “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”

A blind man walks into a bar with a guide dog. When he reaches the centre of the room, he picks the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around. The bartender says “Hey, what the hell are you doing?” The blind man says “Just having a look around…”

A pony walks into a bar and coughs “Hi, COUGH. Give me a bu COUGH, a beer COUGH.” The bartender serves him and says “What’s the matter with your voice?” The pony says “Nothing, I’m just a little hoarse.”

A man walks into a bar and notices big lumps of meat hanging from the ceiling. He says to the bartender “Why have you got all this meat hanging around?” The barman says “It’s a little bet that we’re running. If you can jump up and grab a piece of meat in your mouth then you get all of your drinks bought for you, but if you fail you have to buy everyone else in the bar their drinks for them. Do you want to try it?” The man shakes his head and says “No, the steaks are too high.”

A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says “That’ll be £2.50.” The leprechaun puts two pound coins on the bar and starts walking away. The bartender shouts “You’re a little short!”

A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind.” The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says “Weren’t you just in here?” The rope replies “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

A very small man walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a huge rough looking man walks into the bar and also slips on the vomit. The small man says “I just did that” and gets punched in the face.

A kangaroo hops into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “That’ll be £10. We don’t get many kangaroos coming in here, you know.” The kangaroo says “At £10 a beer, it’s not surprising.”

A bird walks into a bar and asks the barman “Got any bread?”
The barman says “No.”
“Got any bread?” “No.”
“Got any bread?” “No.”
“Got any bread?” “No, and if you keep asking I’ll nail your beak to the bar.”
“Got any nails?” “No.”
“Got any bread?”

A man walks into a bar and from a bowl of peanuts hears a voice say “I think you look great.” Then he hears the cigarette machine say “I have never seen such an ugly face.” He tells the bartender, who replies “The bowl of peanuts was complimentary, but the cigarette machine is just out of order.”

An Indian, a Frenchman, a Swede, a Brazilian, an Australian, a Chinaman, a German, an American, a Canadian, an Italian, a South African, a Scotsman, a Dane, an Argentinian, a Nigerian and a Russian walked into a bar. But the barman said; “You can’t come in here without a Thai”

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. He notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says “Would you like a pint?” Vincent replies “No, thanks, I’ve got one ear.”

A scientist walks into a bar…

A microbiologist walks into a bar and asks for a small one.

A geneticist walks into a bar to buy a drink and says to the bartender; “I think I have some change in my jeans.”

A climate change scientist walks into a bar and says; “Where’s the ice?”

A seismologist walks into a bar and asks for their drink to be shaken and not stirred.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Give me ten times the number of drinks everybody in here is drinking.” The bartender replies; “Now that is an order of magnitude.”

f(x)=2x+1 walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender replies; “I’m sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”

A man walks into A::f() and asks for a drink. The bartender replies; “I’m sorry, this is a private function.”

Two robots walk into a bar. The third one had a better steering program.

A blowfly walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Is that stool taken?”

An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says; “We don’t serve your kind in here.” It replies; “Well, you’re not a very good host.”

A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender yells; “Get out!” It leaves without putting up any resistance.

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says; “Get out, we don’t allow noble gases in here!” Argon doesn’t react.

A neutrino passes through a bar.

A planetologist walks into a bar and chats to Vastitas Borealis; “Long time, no sea.”

Schrödinger walks into a bar with a box, which is searched; “Did you know there’s a dead cat in here?” He replies; “Well, now I do!”

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. Or doesn’t.

An electron and a positron go into a bar.
Positron: “You’re round.”
Electron: “Are you sure?”
Positron: “I’m positive.”

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first says, “Yes, I’m positive…”

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”.

Two chemists walk into a bar. One orders H2O. The other says “I’ll have H2O too.” The second one dies.

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations