“I say Holmes…”

“I say Holmes, what school do your children attend?” ~ “It’s elementary, my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, I have terrible indigestion” ~ “It’s alimentary my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, what is your favourite cheese?” ~ “It’s Emmental my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, what is the plumbing like here?” ~ “It’s rudimentary my dear Watson”

“I say, you rock Holmes!” ~ “It’s sedimentary my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, shall we take the green or the yellow door?” ~ “The lemon entry, my dear Watson” (Thanks @SimplerDave)

“I say Holmes, what is that note from Scotland Yard?” ~ “It’s complimentary my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, are you making a movie?” ~ “It’s documentary my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, are those vitamin pills?” ~ “It’s supplementary my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, will you elucidate?” ~ “It’s illuminatory my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, did Ellen say she was voting Conservative?” ~ “Ellen meant Tory my dear Watson” (Thanks Denise ‘Okonkwo’ Tooley via Paul Naylor)

“I say Holmes, how the deuce do we deal with Professor Moriarty?” ~ “It’s eliminatory my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, what did your accountant say?” ~ “It’s hell monetarily my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, how do I remove this moustache?” ~ “It’s epilatory my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, is that a mammoth?” ~ “It’s elephant hairy my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, what is your favourite shape?” ~ “It’s elliptical my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, how is a periodic table structured?” ~ “It’s elementally my dear Watson”

Sorry, this was a daft idea that’s stretched too far, I’ll stop now…



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Tim Vine One-line Groaners

Tim Vine is an English actor, writer, TV host and hilarious stand-up comedian, his stand-up act mainly consists of quick-fire one-line ‘groaner’ jokes and word play.

He won the funniest joke of the year at the Edinburgh Fringe in 2010. His winning joke was ‘I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.’

Anyway, to the point of this post, here’s a selection of Tim Vine’s famous one-liner gags:

The advantage of easy origami is twofold…

I was in the Army once and the sergeant said to me ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said ‘I give up!’

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!

So I rang up British Telecom and said ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’ He said ‘Not you again’

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one’

I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said ‘Put it back’

I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing; serves him right

Albinos; you can’t say fairer than that

So I said to this train driver ‘I want to go to Paris’ He said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘I’ve been on telly, but I’m no Dean Martin’

Beware of Alphabet Grenades; if you throw them, it could spell disaster

I saw this advert that said ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full’ I thought ‘I can’t turn that down’

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Black beauty; he’s a dark horse

I wanted to be a milkman; but I didn’t have the bottle

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from’

I said to the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said ‘How flexible are you?’ I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’

My mate said to me ‘Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?’ I said ‘Cors-i-can!’

I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags; he’s bisatchel

I went to the local supermarket. I said ‘I want to make a complaint; this vinegar’s got lumps in it’ He said ‘Those are pickled onions’

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything; trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past; it was a bit choppy

I used go out with an anaesthetist; she was a local girl

Did you know that if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it would give birth to a litter of Twiglets?

So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are’

During the war, my grandfather could not stop scribbling; he got hit by a Doodlebug

I’ve got a front door made from sponge; don’t knock it

I’ve played football on a plane, you know… there I was, running up the wing!

I threw some snow at my girlfriend; she didn’t catch my drift

Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They’ve formed The Doors

I went to the icecream shop and said ‘I want to buy an icecream’ He said ‘Hundreds and thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with the one’

When I left home, my mum said ‘Don’t forget to write’ I thought ‘That’s unlikely; it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?’

Velcro… what a ripoff

So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Weggie Kray

I went to the record shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

What do you call a lady with big teeth who sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui

When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up

Exit signs; they’re on the way out aren’t they?

This bloke said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of your trouser leg and put it in a library’ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books’

So I went to the dentist. He said ‘Say Aaah.’ I said ‘Why?’ He said ‘My dog’s died’

The price of hearing aids has gone up? Deaf people across the country are going ‘how much?’

I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you’

I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil; crematoriums

I’m not very good at magic; I can only do half of a trick. Yes, I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’

So I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue’ I said ‘No, just a watch’

I went into a shop and I said ‘Can someone sell me a kettle’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said ‘Where is he?’

I went to a pet shop. I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’

I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels’ He said ‘You’ve got cholera’

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R

I was reading this book today, ‘The History of Glue’ and I couldn’t put it down

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on

My mate asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work?’ I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me’

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said ‘I want you to trace someone for me’

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said ‘No, it’s a permanent job’

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says ‘Audi!’

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said ‘Nearest the bull goes first’ He went ‘Baah’ and I went ‘Moo’ He said ‘You’re closest’

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny; you couldn’t swing a cat in there

I stole things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts

Whenever I’m in Italy I become a rickety old table. I guess I’m just a hopeless Rome antique

After I’ve had an argument I sometimes hold a Hoover over my head. It helps clear the air

The other day I sat on a hairdryer. That put the wind up me

This bloke said to me, he said I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away. I said that’s a bit far-fetched

This reporter said to me, he said how would you describe the absence of Haley’s flaming meteorite? I said no comet

I’m amazed how many people go to Ascot when it’s windy. Still, hats off to them

Me and my brother inherited some furniture from the local zoo. I’m glad to say I got the lion’s chair

I was skiing through Tie Rack and I fell down an 80-foot cravat

So I saw this bloke who was a cross between an ostrich and a serial killer. He was always burying other people’s heads in the sand

The other day I tied my head to a dog’s tail. I just fancied a bit of a chinwag

So I saw this bloke with a 1.2-litre engine halfway down his arm. I said more power to your elbow

I don’t like my hands. I always keep them at arm’s length

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

BNAG – that’s BANG out of order!

I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly

So I said to my Mum I’m going to the funfair. She said Oooooh will you go on the Ghost train? I said No, I’ll walk

So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I’d like to rent Batman Forever. I said No, just for two hours!

I decided to sell my Hoover… well it was just collecting dust.



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My wife’s gone to…

A few very old gags, some with particular thanks to @ErikPetersen and @dancludlow

‘My wife’s gone to the West Indies’ ~ ‘Jamaica?’ ~ No, she went of her own accord’

‘My wife’s gone to Indonesia’ ~ ‘Jakarta?’ ~ ‘No, she went by plane’

‘My wife bought a hat in Central America’ ~ ‘Panama?’ ~ ‘No, it was a trilby’

‘My wife spent last winter in Switzerland’ ~ ‘Berne?’ ~ ‘No, she nearly froze’

‘My wife flew to America recently’ ~ ‘Chicago?’ ~ ‘No, she was a passenger’

‘My wife opened a brothel in Hawaii’ ~ ‘Maui?’ ~ ‘No you may not!’

‘My wife loves whiskey from the Southern United States’ ~ ‘Mississippi?’ ~ ‘No, she just drank the whole bottle’

‘My wife’s band went on tour in South East Asia’ ~ ‘Singapore?’ ~ ‘Yes, and the bassist’s rubbish too’

‘My wife’s gone to Oslo’ ~ ‘Norway?’ ~ ‘Yes, way!’

‘My wife’s an Angel’ ~ ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive!’

‘My wife’s on holiday just south of London’ ~ ‘Surrey?’ ~ ‘I SAID, MY WIFE’S ON HOLIDAY JUST SOUTH OF LONDON!’

‘My wife’s gone to South America’ ~ ‘Chile?’ ~ ‘No, it’s very hot there at the moment’

‘My wife sent me for a sex change operation in Montevideo’ ~ ‘Uruguay?’ ~ ‘Not any more’

‘My wife went to Malawi’ ~ ‘Lilongwe?’ ~ ‘Yes, thousands of miles’

‘My wife was attacked by an animal in Malaysia’ ~ ‘Kuala Lumpur?’ ~ ‘No, a dingo bit her’

‘My wife would love to go on safari in Africa’ ~ ‘Kenya?’ ~ ‘No, we can’t afford it’

‘My wife’s holidaying in northern Benin’ ~ ‘Djougou?’ ~ ‘No, I stayed at home’

‘My wife had her portrait done in Sudan’ ~ ‘Khartoum?’ ~ ‘No, actually it was quite a good likeness’

‘My wife went to Morocco and bought a new cooker’ ~ ‘Agadir?’ ~ ‘No, it was quite cheap’

‘My wife went to a music concert in South Korea’ ~ ‘Seoul?’ ~ ‘No, it was R&B’

‘My wife went to a casino in the Himalayas’ ~ ‘Tibet?’ ~ ‘Yes, of course, why else would she go?’

‘My wife’s booked a luxury holiday in India’ ~ ‘Mumbai?’ ~ ‘No, her Dad paid for it’

‘My wife bought some crockery in Peking’ ~ ‘China?’ ~ ‘No, Royal Doulton’

‘My wife’s gone to Jordan’ ~ ‘Amman?’ ~ ‘No, she’s just got big hands, but you’re not the first to ask’

‘My wife’s relation has been to the South of France’ ~ ‘Nice?’ ~ ‘No, her Nephew’

‘My wife misses me constantly’ ~ ‘Working away?’ ~ ‘No, I’ve learnt to dodge’

‘My wife bought a house in Sweden’ ~ ‘Stockholm?’ ~ ‘No, it was custom-built’

‘My wife was robbed in Western Australia’ ~ ‘Perth?’ ~ ‘No, they took her pathport & driving lithenth’



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Cracker Jokes!

I thought I’d round off the year with a few appalling cracker jokes …

Cracker JokesWho’s the bane of Santa’s life? ~ The elf and safety officer

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? ~ He got 25 days

What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave? ~ He gives them the sack

Where does Father Christmas go to recover after Christmas? ~ An elf farm

What did Santa say to the smoker? ~ Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? ~ It’s Christmas, Eve

What is the best Christmas present in the world? ~ A broken drum, you just can’t beat it

What did the cat get while crossing the desert at Christmas? ~ Sandy claws

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the New Year’s Eve party? ~ Because he had no body to go with

When is a boat like a pile of snow? ~ When it’s adrift

What’s an underground train full of professors called? ~ A tube of Smarties (probably only works in UK English)

What type of room has no windows or doors? ~ A mushroom

Why don’t robots have brothers? ~ Because they only have trans-sisters

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? ~ Dam

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time? ~ One day my prints will come

What do you call two happy mushrooms? ~ Fun guys

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? ~ Three: the left ear, the right ear & the final front ear

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory? ~ Because he couldn’t concentrate

What has four legs and goes ‘Boo’? ~ A cow with a cold

Why did the atheist cross the road? ~ So he could see both sides

What do you give a dog for Christmas? ~ A mobile bone

How did the beaver get online? ~ He logged on

Why do birds fly south in winter? ~ Because it’s too far to walk

What do you give to a man who has everything? ~ Antibiotics

Who invented fractions? ~ Henry the 1/8th

What do you call two robbers? ~ A pair of knickers

Where are the Andes? ~ On the end of your armies

What do toilets and anniversaries have in common? ~ Men always miss them

Why can’t a bike stand up by itself? ~ Because it’s two-tired

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? ~ A nervous wreck

What is black and white and noisy? ~ A zebra with a drum kit

What do witches use to wrap their presents? ~ Spello-tape

What do you call a train loaded with toffee? ~ A chew chew train

Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers? ~ In case he got a hole in one

What’s grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow? ~ An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth

What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? ~ Freeze a jolly good fellow

What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? ~ Nacho Cheese

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bedside clock? ~ An alarm cluck

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch? ~ Because the referee whistled for a fowl

Why is Europe like a frying pan? ~ Because it has Greece at the bottom

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? ~ A mince spy

Why don’t penguins fly? ~ Because they’re not tall enough to be pilots

There were two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said: ‘Can you smell carrots?’

Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch? ~ Because he was the skipper

How did the Vikings send secret messages? ~ By Norse code

What kind of lighting did Noah use on the ark? ~ Floodlights

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? ~ Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot

What’s the slogan for the Eskimo lottery? ~ You’ve got to be Inuit to win you it

How do monkeys make toast? ~ Stick some bread under a gorilla

How do you hire an elephant? ~ Stand it on four bricks

Why was Cinderella thrown off the team? ~ Because she ran away from the ball

What sits on the beach and cackles? ~ A sand witch

Which cheese is made backwards? ~ Edam…

What would you get if all the cars in Britain were red? ~ A red carnation

What’s brown and creeps around the house? ~ Mince spies

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party? ~ He had no body to go with

What did one lift say to the other? ~ I think I’m coming down with something

And, lastly, one of my favourites…

What’s ET short for? ~ Because he’s only got little legs

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Chocolate is the answer

Chocolate Siocled Chocolat Cioccolato Shokolade Chocolade Chokolade Choklad Čokoláda Czekolada Csokoládéval Шоколад Σοκολάτα Çikolata …

… so many ways to say chocolate and those have hardly scratched the surface.

Chocolate keyboard
Chocolate keyboard

Anyway, just a few chocolaty comments. I don’t need a reason; it’s chocolate.

Rules of chocolate

Remember the acronym: WAFFLES


Never eat more chocolate than you can lift.


Chocolate is the answer and the question is irrelevant.

Food tip

Have a chocolate bar before each meal; it will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less.


If at first you don’t succeed, have a little chocolate.


Put ‘eat chocolate’ at the top of your list of things to do today and at least you’ll get one thing done.


A little too much chocolate is just about right.


If you have melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

Chocolate aphorisms

All well known, but worth repeating:

Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed, but chocolate makes it worthwhile.

Chocolate is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.

I’d give up chocolate, but I’m no quitter.

You can eat chocolate in front of your parents.

Leftover chocolate
Leftover chocolate
There’s a thin person inside of me screaming to get out, but I keep them sedated with chocolate.

So much chocolate, so little time.

Save the Earth! (It’s the only planet with chocolate).

Seven days without chocolate makes one weak.

If you ate a lifetime’s supply of chocolate in one day, should you be worried?

Will you buy me chocolate? (A) Yes – (B) A – (C) B

Chocolate is not a matter of life and death; it’s more important than that.

Star Trek gag: The Borg ~ Wrappers are futile; chocolate will be assimilated.

Health ~ Chocolate is made from cocoa beans and beans are vegetables. Sugar is obtained from either sugar beet or sugar cane, both of which are plants, so they are also vegetables. Chocolate, therefore, is a vegetable. Milk chocolate contains milk, which is a dairy product. Milk chocolate contains both vegetables and dairy and is therefore a health food.

My Father's Day chocolates
My Father's Day chocolates

Chocolate quotations

“Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don’t need an appointment.” ~ Catherine Aitken

“I never met a chocolate I didn’t like.” ~ Counsellor Deanna Troi, Star Trek: The Next Generation

“There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles.” ~ Anonymous

“Exercise is a dirty word… Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.” ~ Charles M Schulz

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… chocolate….” ~ Homer Simpson

“As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.” ~ Sandra Boynton

Everything either is or isn't chocolate“Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth person always lies.” ~ John Q. Tullius

“Caramels are only a fad. Chocolate is a permanent thing.” ~ Milton Hershey

“Chocolate: Here today… Gone today!” ~ Daniel Worona

“Eat food. Not too much. Mostly chocolate” ~ Debbie Moose

“Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces.” ~ Judith Viorst

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate” ~ Charles Dickens

“The 12-step chocoholics program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!” ~ Terry Moore

These quotations and others can also be found here:
Quotes about chocolate

Chocolate rabbits
Chocolate rabbits

Final thoughts

There are only three things in life that matter; good friends, good chocolate and, erm… what was the other one?

‘Knock knock!’

‘Who’s there?’


‘Imogen who?’

‘Imogen life without chocolate!’

If calories are a problem, keep your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will remove themselves from the chocolate to protect their peace of mind.

Apparently there is a theory that chocolate slows down the aging process; it may not be true, but why take the risk?


There are lots of chocolate tweets on Twitter:

Twitter Chocolate

And in MumblingNerd’s Daily Chocolate

MumblingNerd’s chocolate destination print

Back to Chocolate

Back to MumblingNerd’s home page

Doctor, Doctor…

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bell!’

‘Take these pills and if they don’t help give me a ring!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a spoon!’

‘Sit over there then and don’t stir!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing double!’

‘Please sit on that couch.’

‘Which one?’

‘Doctor, Doctor, every time I see 50p & 20p coins I have a panic attack; what’s the matter with me?’

‘You’re just afraid of change.’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I’m going to die in 51 seconds!’

‘I’ll be with you in a minute!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing into the future!’

‘When did this first happen?’

‘Next Thursday!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter’

‘Sorry, I don’t follow you’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing a spinning insect!’

‘Don’t worry; it’s just a bug that’s going around!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I’ve swallowed some small pens and a strainer!’

‘Don’t worry, you’re just a little pen sieve!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a goat!’

‘How long have you felt like this?’

‘Since I was a kid!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’

‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome’

‘Is it common?’

‘Well, It’s Not Unusual’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!’

‘Pull yourself together!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, everyone thinks I’m a liar!’

‘I find that very hard to believe!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep getting a pain in the eye when I drink coffee!’

‘Have you tried taking the spoon out?’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a king!’

‘What’s your name?’


‘You must be Joe King!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, please, can you help me out?’

‘Of course; which way did you come in?’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a £10 note!’

‘Well go and buy something; the change will do you good!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I’ve got wind, can you give me something for it?’

‘Yes; here’s a kite!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I tend to flush a lot!’

‘Don’t worry it’s just a chain reaction!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I have a strawberry on my head!’

‘I’ll give you some cream for that!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bee!’

‘Well buzz off, I’m busy!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I need glasses!’

‘You certainly do Sir; this is a fish and chip shop!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m suffering from Déjà Vu!’

‘Didn’t I see you yesterday?’

‘Doctor, Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?

‘Stick your foot out and trip it up!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.’

‘I’ll deal with you later!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?’

‘I never make rash promises!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, can I have second opinion?’

‘Of course, come back tomorrow!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?’

‘Use a pencil until I get there!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I’m boiling up!’

‘Just simmer down!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m an adder!’

‘Great, you can help me with my accounts!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep painting myself gold!’

‘Don’t worry; it’s just a gilt complex!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a biscuit!’

‘What, you mean those square ones?’


‘The ones you put butter on?’


‘Ah, you’re crackers!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a frog!’

‘What’s wrong with that?‘

‘I think I’m going to croak!‘

‘Doctor, Doctor, how can I cure my sleep walking?’

‘Sprinkle drawing pins on your bedroom floor!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, my sister thinks she’s a lift!’

‘Well tell her to come in’

‘I can’t, she doesn’t stop at this floor!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me!’

‘Next please!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tepee and other days I feel like a wigwam!’

‘Just calm down, you’re two tents!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog!’

‘Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.’

‘But I’m not allowed on the couch!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I have a split personality!’

‘Well, you’d better both sit down!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a vampire!’

‘Necks please!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a nit!’

‘Not you again, how am I to get you out of my hair!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, you’ve taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don’t feel well!’

‘That’s quite enough out of you!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, my husband smells like a fish!’

‘Poor sole!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a burglar!’

‘Have you taken anything for it?’

‘Doctor, Doctor, my baby looks just like his father!’

‘Never mind, just as long as he’s healthy!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a moth!’

‘Don’t worry; you’re just a bit light headed!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I’ve lost my memory!’

‘When did this happen?’

‘When did what happen?’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a rubber band!’

‘Just stretch yourself out on the couch and tell me all about it!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a dog!’


‘Doctor, Doctor, I’m having trouble with my breathing!’

‘We’ll soon put a stop to that!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, what did the x-ray of my head show?’

‘Absolutely nothing!’

Patient: ‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel so tired, I don’t know where I am half the time!’

Dentist: ‘Open wide now!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?’

‘Yes, of course…’

‘Great! I never could before!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a needle!’

‘I see your point!’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I’m wearing Clingfilm for shorts’

‘Well, I can clearly see your nuts’

‘Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a woman who delivers babies!’

‘You’re just going through a midwife crisis’

‘Doctor, Doctor, every time I stand up quickly I see Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck’

‘Don’t worry; you’re just having a Disney spell’

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bridge!’

‘Oh dear, what’s come over you?’

‘Two cars, a large truck and a coach!’




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A man walks into a bar…

Fairly short ones…

A man walks into a bar…A man walks into a bar with jump cables. The bartender says “You can come in, but don’t start anything!”

Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks…

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. “What do you call him?” asks the bartender. “I call him Tiny, because he’s my newt!”

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Give me a beer, and a mop.”

A soccer ball walks into a bar; the bartender kicks him out.

A baseball walks into a bar; the bartender throws him out.

A man walks into a bar and says “Ouch.”

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says “Can I help you?” The duck says “Yes, you can get this man off my butt!”

A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says “Want to hear a good joke?” The corn stalk says “I’m all ears!”

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The bartender says “I’m not serving you; you’re out of your skull!”

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What is this, a joke?”


A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks for a beer. “I can’t serve you.” says the bartender “You’re Bard!”

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks “What can I get you?” The goldfish says “Water.”

A dolphin walks into a bar. The bartender ignores it on porpoise.

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Give me a beer and put it on my bill.”

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says “In all the time I’ve been tending bars, I’ve never served a weasel. What can I get you?” “Pop” goes the weasel.

A pterodactyl walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Ptwo ptequilas, pthanks.”

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks “Would you like a beer?” Descartes replies “I think not” and disappears.

A bear walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a beer………………………..and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says “Why the big pause?”

A baby seal walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” asks the bartender. “Anything but a Canadian Club” replies the seal…

Ironically, a baby seal walks into a club.

A horse walks into a bar. It earns a four fault penalty.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “So, why the long face?”

A warhorse walks into a bar. The bartender says “So, why the long film?”

A Norse walks into a bar. The bartender says “So, why the long boat?”

The Eiger walks into a bar. The bartender says “So, why the North Face?”

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a bar. He looks around and announces “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”

A Scotsman walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear. He says to the bartender “What’s this, a boot?”

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a ‘double entendre’. So the bartender gave her one…

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks “Do I come here often?”

A man walks into a bar… and fails to win the International Limbo Championships.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

A blind man walks into a bar…

A ventriloquist walks into a gar…

An untalented gymnast walks into a bar…

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks “Olive or twist?”

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar…

C, E flat and G walk into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, no minors.”

A Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here!”

A man walks into a bar and says “C a n I h a v e a p i n t p l e a s e ?” The bartender replies “Are you okay? You sound a bit spaced out.”

A pedant walks into a tavern, because of course ‘bar’ means the serving counter rather than the establishment itself. He drinks alone.

A man walks into a bar and orders 15 litres of wine. The bartender asks if he brought a container. He replies; “You’re speaking to it.”

A man walks into a bar and requests a large glass of prune juice. The bartender asks “Is that to go?”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says “A beer please, and one for the road.”

A bar of gold walks into a bar, a bar of silver turns around and says, “AU, get out of here!”

A man walks into a bar in Trinidad and the bartender says “If you’re here about the limbo dancer job you’ve just failed.”

A meme walks into a bar. The barman says “Drinks for everyone?” The meme asks why and the barman replies “Because you’re getting around.”

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

The bartender says “We don’t serve time travellers here.” A time traveller walks into a bar.

Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, he says “Damn, I forgot to feed the dog.”

The Sahara walks into a bar. The bartender says “Long time, no sea.”

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and asks for five beers.

A cowboy walks into a bar wearing paper clothes. The bartender asks him what he’s doing and the cowboy replies “Rustling…”

A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bartender here?”

Medium sized ones…

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse serving drinks. The horse says “What are you staring at? Have you never seen a horse serving drinks?” The man says “No, I just didn’t think parrot would sell the bar.”

A grasshopper hops in to a bar. The bartender says “You’re quite a celebrity here; we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun at the bus stop. He goes up to her and punches her in face. She falls down and he screams “Not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

Two yoghurts walk into a bar. “We don’t serve your kind in here” says the bartender. A yoghurt asks “Why not, we’re cultured.”

Dr Watson was in a bar, it was past closing time and he was a bit drunk. “Come on” said the barman “Haven’t you got Holmes to go to?”

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his trousers. The bartender asks “Isn’t that uncomfortable?” The pirate responds “Aarrrr, its driving me nuts.”

A Roman centurion walked into a bar and asked for a martinus. The bartender said; “Don’t you mean a martini?” The centurion replied; “If I’d wanted a double I would have asked!”

A saw and a hammer go into a bar and some other tools join them; the saw turns to the hammer and says “You know the drill, don’t you?”

A pig walks into a bar orders ten beers. When he’s finished, the bartender asks “Don’t you need the toilet?” The pig says “No, I go wee wee wee all the way home.”

A penguin waddles into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender asks “I don’t know, what does he look like?”

Very slightly longer ones…

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a woman and a dog. The man asks “Does your dog bite?” The woman answers “Never!” The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The woman replies “He doesn’t. This isn’t my dog.”

A man walks into a bar holding an alligator. He asks the bartender “Do you serve lawyers here?” The bartender says “Yes, we do!” “Good,” replies the man “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”

A blind man walks into a bar with a guide dog. When he reaches the centre of the room, he picks the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around. The bartender says “Hey, what the hell are you doing?” The blind man says “Just having a look around…”

A pony walks into a bar and coughs “Hi, COUGH. Give me a bu COUGH, a beer COUGH.” The bartender serves him and says “What’s the matter with your voice?” The pony says “Nothing, I’m just a little hoarse.”

A man walks into a bar and notices big lumps of meat hanging from the ceiling. He says to the bartender “Why have you got all this meat hanging around?” The barman says “It’s a little bet that we’re running. If you can jump up and grab a piece of meat in your mouth then you get all of your drinks bought for you, but if you fail you have to buy everyone else in the bar their drinks for them. Do you want to try it?” The man shakes his head and says “No, the steaks are too high.”

A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says “That’ll be £2.50.” The leprechaun puts two pound coins on the bar and starts walking away. The bartender shouts “You’re a little short!”

A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind.” The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says “Weren’t you just in here?” The rope replies “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

A very small man walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a huge rough looking man walks into the bar and also slips on the vomit. The small man says “I just did that” and gets punched in the face.

A kangaroo hops into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “That’ll be £10. We don’t get many kangaroos coming in here, you know.” The kangaroo says “At £10 a beer, it’s not surprising.”

A bird walks into a bar and asks the barman “Got any bread?”
The barman says “No.”
“Got any bread?” “No.”
“Got any bread?” “No.”
“Got any bread?” “No, and if you keep asking I’ll nail your beak to the bar.”
“Got any nails?” “No.”
“Got any bread?”

A man walks into a bar and from a bowl of peanuts hears a voice say “I think you look great.” Then he hears the cigarette machine say “I have never seen such an ugly face.” He tells the bartender, who replies “The bowl of peanuts was complimentary, but the cigarette machine is just out of order.”

An Indian, a Frenchman, a Swede, a Brazilian, an Australian, a Chinaman, a German, an American, a Canadian, an Italian, a South African, a Scotsman, a Dane, an Argentinian, a Nigerian and a Russian walked into a bar. But the barman said; “You can’t come in here without a Thai”

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. He notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says “Would you like a pint?” Vincent replies “No, thanks, I’ve got one ear.”

A scientist walks into a bar…

A microbiologist walks into a bar and asks for a small one.

A geneticist walks into a bar to buy a drink and says to the bartender; “I think I have some change in my jeans.”

A climate change scientist walks into a bar and says; “Where’s the ice?”

A seismologist walks into a bar and asks for their drink to be shaken and not stirred.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Give me ten times the number of drinks everybody in here is drinking.” The bartender replies; “Now that is an order of magnitude.”

f(x)=2x+1 walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender replies; “I’m sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”

A man walks into A::f() and asks for a drink. The bartender replies; “I’m sorry, this is a private function.”

Two robots walk into a bar. The third one had a better steering program.

A blowfly walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Is that stool taken?”

An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says; “We don’t serve your kind in here.” It replies; “Well, you’re not a very good host.”

A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender yells; “Get out!” It leaves without putting up any resistance.

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says; “Get out, we don’t allow noble gases in here!” Argon doesn’t react.

A neutrino passes through a bar.

A planetologist walks into a bar and chats to Vastitas Borealis; “Long time, no sea.”

Schrödinger walks into a bar with a box, which is searched; “Did you know there’s a dead cat in here?” He replies; “Well, now I do!”

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. Or doesn’t.

An electron and a positron go into a bar.
Positron: “You’re round.”
Electron: “Are you sure?”
Positron: “I’m positive.”

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first says, “Yes, I’m positive…”

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”.

Two chemists walk into a bar. One orders H2O. The other says “I’ll have H2O too.” The second one dies.

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