Punicious Punography

Humour, Puns and Word-play

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; it’s impossible to put down.

I’m glad I know sign language; it comes in handy.

If towels could tell jokes, they would probably have a dry sense of humour.

Police were called to a nursery where a three year old was resisting a rest.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

A man had his left arm and leg amputated; he’s all right now.

I wondered why the football was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

If you asked a plastic surgeon to make you look like a pelican, would you get a massive bill?

When ancient wall sculptors finished their work, it was a relief.

Someone left a piece of Plasticine in my house. I didn’t know what to make of it.

As one frog croaked to the other; “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”

Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas because he felt his presents.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.

Just watched a religious order playing stringed instruments; there’s too much sects and violins on TV these days.

I nearly lost my frog puppet recently; it tried to Kermit suicide.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

I saw a kidnapping today, but decided not to wake him up.

I’ve spilt glue all over my autobiography. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I’ve just eaten a very hard biscuit; that was one tough cookie.

There are a few grave diggers wandering around the local graveyard; I think they’ve lost the plot.

I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.

Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Palaeontologists thought they’d found new evidence of a missing link, but it was just another fossil arm.

There’s a terrible smell in the local Apple store; it’s a shame they don’t have Windows.

I use my iPhone when I can’t get to sleep; I have a nap for it.

I found out why our refuse collectors are so miserable; they’ve been down in the dumps.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office DVD is in big trouble; you have my Word.

A woman said she’d recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

What do you call someone with neither a body nor a nose? Nobody nose.

I heard a song about a tortilla today; actually it was more of a wrap.

I decided not to return to my drumming lessons for fear of the repercussions.

I heard that OXYGEN and MAGNESIUM were going out and I was like O Mg!

If the devil ever loses his hair there will be hell toupée.

If anyone knows a really good fish pun, let minnow.

When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

Ban singing in football stadiums? No chants.

I’m reading an excellent book about where people keep their cutlery; it’s top drawer.

I like to sing songs without choruses, but usually I refrain.

Would you like to know my secret to being a successful mime artist? I’m saying nothing.

My wife asked me to mend the plug on her fan; I simply refused.

Why do you never hear a pterodactyl use a toilet? Because the P is silent.

I haven’t done the hokey cokey in years. As you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

I just read an advert for a job inspecting mirrors; I could really see myself doing that.

I have an irrational fear of speed bumps; but I’m slowly getting over it.

People who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

Picasso once had a job as a stadium illustrator; he always drew a big crowd.

I worked in a paperless office once; everyone avoided the toilets.

The invention of the pickaxe was ground breaking.

I had to fire a masseuse today; she was rubbing people up the wrong way.

Apparently, the Sydney Opera House is off quay.

I have a very successful business building yachts in the attic; sails are going through the roof.

I often get a lift from an old school friend who always drives in reverse gear; we do go back a long way.

People keep telling me I’m too sceptical, but I don’t believe them.

I found some great puns at the drapers while I was looking for new material.

This book of incantations is useless; the author didn’t use a spell checker.

I’ve ordered a reversible jacket; I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

I used to enjoy archery, but it has its drawbacks.

Will glass coffins prove popular? Remains to be seen.

If you were sent down for a few years, it could be used to stuff quilts.

I know a professor who had his appendix removed, but he still has a full set of footnotes and an extensive bibliography.

Parachute For Sale: only used once, never opened, small stain.

I don’t like my tennis coach’s serve, so I keep returning it.

I swallowed some food colouring by accident and now I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I used to hate maths but then I realised decimals have a point.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

Last year I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet.

My therapist has suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

On maps of Florida the key is always at the bottom.

I wonder which bright spark invented fire?

I’ve started a joke courier business; I can’t take anything seriously.

My daughter said I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

I was almost crushed recently by a pile of books, but I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

I’ve just been on iTunes trying to sync ‘The Titanic’.

Dry erase boards are remarkable.

A man walks into a betting shop and asks “Can I back a horse in here?” The bookmaker nods, so the man shouts “Okay Jim, back her in!”

Two cats are swimming across a river. One’s name is ‘One Two Three’ and the other’s name is ‘Un Deux Trois.’ Who makes it across? One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

What’s the bear minimum? One bear.

I went to a duck fancying club once. It was pretty fowl.

I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

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More pointless playing around with words

MumblingNerd, Puns and Word-play

A handful of my inane responses to people and posts on Twitter or Facebook, completely pointless as usual, but it keeps me entertained:

Wood yew cedar reason to root around & branch out? Just twigged I’m lumbering you with tree or more puns, fir enough, I’ll leaf it at that.

Think pink; don’t stink, kink or shrink from the brink; wear mink to a rink, blink and drink to the link in ink and sink into pink.

You should orange to clean fruit meticulously; apples must be at the core of all fruit washing, which should be done in pears.

I’m so Hungary Iran to the fridge to Czech for Turkey, but Norway I could eat it with all that Greece. Now I’m Russian to Finnish my Danish.

Cheesed off & Stiltons to do before the holidays? Edam, that’s not grate & curd cost whey too much if you’ve Gouda lot to buy; Feta accompli.

Want info on eggs? Don’t shell out, chick out the hencyclopedia; there’s a free range of fowl stuff laid out in cracking style.

Cheerfully checking my Czech cheque checker’s checking all Czech cheques and chucking any checkered cheques. Check.

ICON see CTRL freaks ENTER the HOME SPACE, DOS around & DEL don’t SHIFT, or ALT they’ve the DRIVE to keep TABS & BYTE back in the END.

Don’t let them takeaway a quantity of your maths class and alter the ratio, it doesn’t add up in my estimation; square up to and evaluate the root of the constant decimation before they intersect, divide you into fractions and multiply your problems… Ah, I’m angling off at a variable tangent, anyway I’ve calculated coefficiently that it’s not my function (minus the odd number) to factor in or achieve an absolute value by subtracting or deducting any amount of pointless arithmetical puns.

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Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Diction Hairy of Reeve Eyes Deaf Finnish Huns

Humour, Puns and Word-play

The spell checker approved the title, but it should be ‘Dictionary of Revised Definitions’.

Continuing the long and slightly dubious history of new and revised word redefinitions and daffynitions, in a short but similar vein to works such as ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’ by Ambrose Bierce, the ‘Uxbridge English Dictionary’ #UED from the BBC radio panel game ‘I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue’ #ISIHAC and ‘Wickedictionary’ by Derek Abbott.

I have written most of the definitions listed here, apart from a handful stolen from Twitter acquaintances, although, as many of the definitions are obvious as well as being ridiculous, they may well have been used elsewhere and often.

Click on a group of letters to go to that section:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A few of my favourites:

Artichoke (n): creative strangulation
Babylon (n): tough synthetic infant
Cantaloupe (n): incapable of eloping
Diphthong (n): very small swimwear
Esplanade (n): Spanish lemonade
Felon (v): to trip over a thief
Ganache (n): action of teeth on chocolate
Gigolo (n): a fee-male
Hindsight (n): effect of hotpants
Impeccable (n): to protect from woodpeckers
Jamaica (n): person who makes fruit preserves
Kindred (n): fear of relatives
Legendary (n): famous milkman
Mascara (n): Brazilian traffic jam
Negligent (n): negligee for men
Noncustodial (n): a pudding without custard
Onomatopoeia (n): sound made by a tomato
Orifice (n): a hole created in an office
Palindrome (n): dromedary with humps that look the same way in either direction
Pirate (n): pie classification system
Procrastinate (n): to delay the playing of castanets
Quintessence (n): the aroma of five babies
Raucous (n): unprepared couscous
Scherzo (n): swift-moving Italian sausage
Stalemate (n): musty friend
Sycophant (n): poorly elephant
Tachycardia (n): distasteful cardigan
Toboggan (n): winter transportation for tobacco
Unison (n): child of unisex
Voluminous (n): fluorescent vole
Wiggle (v): movement of a wig
Xerox (n): duplicate ox
Yacht (v): unexpected sneeze
Zucchini (n): Italian zookeeper trousers

Disclaimer
This dictionary is for entertainment only. Whereas the entertainment value is subjective, the content is not accurate and is not intended to be used in place of an actual dictionary.

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Daft authors and book titles

Humour, Puns and Word-play

Silly author names of senseless book titles; simply because I haven’t made any up for a long time. Of course I ‘think’ I’ve made up about half of these, but they’ve probably all been done before:

‘Advantageous’ by Benny Fishall

‘A History of Welsh Comedians’ by Dai Laffyn

‘Advantageous’ by Benny Fishall

‘Am I Bothered?’ by Carrie Henri-Gardless

‘American Breakfast’ by Chris P. Bacon and ‘Pancakes’ by Mabel Sirrup

‘American Independence’ by Bertha Venation

‘Amphibians’ by Newt and Sally Mander

‘Antibiotics’ by Penny Silling

‘Are You Dancing?’ by R. U. Asking

‘Art and Culture’ by Phyllis Stein

‘Artificial Weightlessness’ by Andy Gravity

‘Back Problems’ by Eileen Bent

‘Bacteria’ by Mike Robes

‘Beguiled’ by N. Tyesing

‘Blushing’ by Rosie Cheeks

‘Breakfast’ by Hammond Deggs

‘Breath of Fresh Air’ by Hal E. Tosis

‘Bricklaying’ by Bill Jerome Wall

‘Broken Window’ by Eva Brick

‘Bullfighting’ by Matt Adore

‘Carbuncles’ by Ivor Boyle

‘Carpet Fitting’ by Walter Wall

‘Chinese Arsonist’ by Kin Dlin

‘Cloudburst’ by Wayne Drops

‘Coastal Walks’ by Cliff Topp-Path

‘Coffee Maker’ by Phil Turr and Cath Tierre

‘Common Cold Symptoms’ by Ron E. Nose

‘Constabulary’ by Laura Norder

‘Constipation’ by Anita Pu

‘Contempt for Human Nature’ by Miss Ann Thropy

‘Continental Sausages’ by Frank Furter and Sal Armie

‘Cooking Pasta’ by Al Dente

‘Crime & Punishment USA’ by Penny Tentiary

‘Crumbs in My Cuppa’ by Duncan Biscuits

‘Deception’ by Miss Leed

‘Dentistry’ by Phil McCavity

‘Dielectric Heating of Food’ By Mike Rowave

‘Digital’ by Anna Logg

‘Diplomatic Mission’ by M. Bassy

‘Dockers Tales’ by Steve Adore

‘Does My Bum Look Big in This?’ by Hugh Jarse

‘Dog’s Dinner’ by Nora Bone

‘Donald’s Flatulence’ by Ivana Trump

‘Drinking to Excess’ by Al Coholic

‘Easily Done’ by F. Oughtless-Lee

‘Eating Disorders’ by Anna Recksia

‘Empty Glass’ by Phil Ettup

‘Equally Adept’ by Amber Dextrous

‘Exploring other Galaxies’ by Anne Dromeda

‘Fading Away’ by Peter Innout

‘Favourite Pizza Toppings’ by Anne Chovie

‘For Whom?’ by Pete Sake

‘Forthright’ by Frank O. Pinion

‘French Cookery’ by Sue Flay

‘French Windows’ by Pattie O’Dors

‘Frogs and Newts’ by Anne Fibienz

‘Genie’ by Al Addin

‘Geology’ by Roxanne Minerals

‘Get Moving’ by Sheikh Alleg

‘Get Rid of Your Possessions’ by Lester Worrierbout

‘Good Read’ by Paige Turner

‘Goodbye Cruel World’ by Sue Aside

‘Great Britain from 1837 to 1910’ by Vic Torian and Ed Wardian

‘Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow’ by I. M. Balding

‘Harassment’ by Percy Kyuwshun

‘Haunted House’ by Hugo First

‘Helping Hand’ by Abel N. Willin

‘Hitting the Fan’ by Hoo Flung Dung

‘Horrendous’ by Terry Bull

‘How can I Help?’ by Len de Hand

‘Hypnotism’ by N. Tranced

‘Implants’ by E. Norma Stitz

‘Insurance’ by Justin Case

‘Intellectual Isolation’ by Ivor E. Towers

‘Islands’ by Archie Pelago

‘Keeping Scores’ by Adam Upp

‘Knighthood’ by Neil Downe

‘Large Snakes’ by Anna Conda

‘Leaflet design’ by Pam Flett

‘Leather Preparation’ by Tanya Hyde

‘Leo Tolstoy’ by Warren Piece

‘Lexicon’ By Dick Shunnery

‘Life Before Cars’ by Orson Buggy

‘Lion Taming’ by Claude Bottom

‘Living on a Budget’ by Penny Pincher

‘Living With Mosquito Bites’ by Ivana Scratch

‘Long Walk Home’ by Miss D. Buss

‘Looking Younger’ by Fay Slift

‘Lost Coffin’ by Sue Anne Undertaker

‘Lumberjack’ by Tim Burr

‘Magnificent’ by Wanda Full

‘Make Your Own Honey’ by B. Keeper

‘Mapping Your Country’ by Sir Veigh

‘Men Can Change’ by Betty Woant

‘Mensa’ by Jean Yuss

‘Money Management’ by Owen Cash

‘More of a Lute Than a Guitar’ by Amanda Lynne

‘Mosquito Bites’ by Ivan Itch

‘Music of the Early 1960s’ by Tristan Shout

‘My Crush’ by Anna Konder

‘My Worst Journey’ by Helen Back

‘No Longer Required’ by Sue Perflewus

‘Not Too Hot, Not Too Cold’ by Lou Quarm

‘Odds and Sods’ by Miss Elaine Ayous

‘Off the Beaten Track’ by Dusty Rhodes

‘Off To Market’ by Tobias A. Pigg

‘Office Software’ by Mike Rowsoft

‘Old Age’ by Jerry Attrick

‘Optician’s Guide’ by Seymour Clearly

‘Outgoing Personality’ by Greg Arius

‘Outstanding’ by Emma Nentley

‘Over and Out’ by Roger Wilko

‘Pampered and Indulged’ by Molly Coddled

‘Passing in the Night’ by Mr Intyre-Lee

‘Picnicking’ by Alf Resco

‘Plunging Necklines’ by Seymour Bust

‘Poked in the Eye’ by Dee Stick

‘Positronic Brain’ by Anne Droid

‘Precipice’ by Eileen Dover

‘Prison Break’ by Frieda Convict

‘Pub Crawl’ by Carrie Meholm

‘Punctuality’ by Justin Time

‘Putting on Clothes’ by Don A. Parell

‘Recommended Books’ by Betty Dreedit

‘Relay Race’ by Anne Dover-Baton

‘Rowing the Pacific’ by Willy Maykit

‘Rubber Inflatables’ by Abel Loon

‘Rushing’ by Ed Long

‘Rusty Bedsprings’ by I. P. Knightly

‘School Sports’ by Jim Nasium

‘Seaside Amusements’ by Penny R. Cade

‘Shellfire’ by R. Tillery

‘Showing Guts’ by N. Trayles

‘Singing Without Music’ by A. K. Pella

‘Sitting’ by Stan Ding

‘Slimmer’s Bible’ by Lou Swaite

‘Smoothing Rough Surfaces’ by Emma Ree Pay-Purr

‘Snapdragon Cultivation’ by Anne T. Wrynum

‘Sore Joints’ by A. King

‘Spring Showers’ by April Rain

‘Spring Shrubbery’ by Theresa Green

‘Standing in a Circle’ by Hans Joyned

‘Stand-up Comedian’ by Joe Kerr

‘Stealing Money’ by Robin Banks

‘Stone Age’ by Neil Ithic

‘Stop Shouting!’ by Danielle Soloud

‘Suspended’ by Dan Glynn

‘Suspense’ by Cliff Hanger

‘The Apiarist’ by Bea Hive

‘The Bishop’s Seat’ by Cathy Draal

‘The Bus Conductor’ by Myles Standing

‘The Capacity to Endure’ by Sue Stainability

‘The First of Twelve’ by Jan U. Weary

‘The Last of Twelve’ by Dee Sember

‘There’s a Hole in My Bucket’ by Lee King

‘Thirst Quencher’ by Bev Arage

‘Three Wishes’ by Jean E. Ovthelamp

‘Tobacco Addiction’ by Mustapha Fagg

‘Track and Field Sports’ by Arthur Letticks

‘Triumphant Conquest’ by Vic Tree

‘Truancy’ by Marcus Absent

‘Try Harder’ by Buster Gutt

‘Turkish Fast Food’ by Donna K. Bab

‘Twist and Shout’ by Sheikh Tall-About

‘Two Shillings and Six Pence’ by Arthur Crown

‘Tying Shoe Laces’ by Ben Dover

‘Under the Bleachers’ by Seymour Butts

‘Underwear Problems’ by Lucy Lastic

‘Unknown Lands’ by Terry Incognita

‘Voice Amplification’ by Mike Raphone

‘Voyeurism’ by A. P. Pingtom

‘Waiting for dinner’ by Sally Vating

‘Wireless Telegraphy’ by Ray Dio

‘Your Future’ by Claire Voyance

And thanks to some delightful Twitter people for the additions:
@dancludlow @HeritageMuse @eddo75 @PenPendragon @Steve_Oliver76 @DonatellaFall @Ameino @duncancollett @Noot54

:^)

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A little initial letter alliteration

MumblingNerd, Puns and Word-play

I have a habit of playing around with alliteration, or something like it; mostly in less than 140 characters for Twitter of course. Probably pointless, but on the other hand it makes me smirk:

Atrocious alliteration alludes actual alternative action and, after assiduously able allocation, allegedly always acts appallingly.

Boston’s burgeoning business buildings busily beckon big bucks beneath bold bright boundless blue.

Fifty finely fraught flighty fellows from Frome fighting through the fort thought the fiery Friday freight was thoroughly frightful.

Forever fastidiously finding fashionable far-fetched fascinatingly frivolous facts for fervently frequent free farcical fun.

Four famous flighty folks flee fittingly from fermented forest florets foraging for fast feisty fromage faking faulty faucets.

Many monogamously married monotheistic mongooses make marvellously magnificent mahogany marionettes.

Most mid mornings many Maine motorists might move majestically; maybe meaning most match my main moaning mood?

Pecks previously pummelled past prior parallel periods patiently prepared; patently perhaps (probably?) partially prompting Peter Piper picking pickled pepper pecks?

Percent, per cent, purse sent, poor cent, pour cent, pour scent, paw scent, purr scent, percent.

Pluck Kate, pluck hate, placate, plaque eight, plaque ate, plaque hate.

Precisely! Poetic puns pose perfectly peculiar problems; perhaps particularly post peeling pernickety prickly pear pairs.

Pre pouring plausibly poor potpourri perpendicularly, paternal Pa’s pores probably proved perfectly pedicured, perhaps predictably.

Problematic philately produces portable philanthropic potato pestilence, probably propagating perfectly plausible practical pomegranates.

Read Tweet. Right wheat, rate trait, right to eat, raid treat; right sweet! Ride tight, right trite… retreat. Re Tweet.

Semantics; should speak several sentences, starting slowly, sauntering swifter, suddenly speedier; system seems successful.

Several saucily selected sources say she said she saw salty seasoning sauce successfully shaken.

Significantly stunning sunny spell suggests spring’s suddenly successfully sprung; certainly seems seasonally standard

Simultaneously selling several swimming sole shoals, skilled soldier Saul slowly shouldered sad sibling Sarah’s shabbily sewn shawl.

Stylish successful single swan swimming ceaselessly in successively smaller circles.

Taking their tray tied to two Thai trees, they too try three times to tread there, teetering through thin tattered tightly twisting trunks.

Tweet. To eat. Too eat. Two eat. Two wheat. Two ate. To wait. Two eight. To hate. Too weight. To wait. Trait. Treat. Tweet.

Messing about with Google Translate also shouldn’t amuse me, but it does:

Four famous flighty folks flee fittingly from fermented forest florets foraging for fast feisty fromage faking faulty faucets.

Google translated to French:

Quatre gens volages célèbre fuir dignement de la forêt fermenté fleurons d’alimentation pour fromage feisty rapide semblant robinets défectueux.

Google translated back to English:

Four people escape with dignity fickle famous forest fermented food landmarks cheese for quick feisty pretend defective valves.

Atrocious alliteration alludes actual alternative action and, after assiduously able allocation, allegedly always acts appallingly.

Google translated to Vietnamese:

Tàn bạo ám chỉ điệp âm thay thế và hành động thực tế, sau khi giao có thể siêng năng, được cho là luôn hành động đáng kinh sợ.

Google translated back to English:

Referring to the brutal and alliteration replace real action, after sex can diligently, are thought to always act appallingly.

Precisely! Poetic puns pose perfectly peculiar problems; perhaps particularly post peeling pernickety prickly pear pairs.

Google translated to Ukranian:

Отож-бо! Поетичний каламбури представляють зовсім своєрідні проблеми, може бути, особливо після пілінгу вибагливих колючий пар груші.

Google translated back to English:

So-bo! Poetic puns represent quite peculiar problems can be, especially after peeling demanding barbed steam pears.

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Asinine aphorisms

MumblingNerd, Puns and Word-play

Tinkering with puns, oronyms, homonyms, heterographs and homophones, well, something like that:

Cold toast; butter late than never.

Plain English guide; clarity begins a tome.

Pick up a music book; raise the volume.

Rugby; know pain, know game.

Erectile dysfunction proverb; all’s swell that ends swell.

Ore on hymns, hoe mown hims, hater owe grafts and home of phones:

To wear is you man, two four give deep vine.

Eerily tube head and hurling two rice mixer man wail the unwise.

Love of moon knees the route of fall weevil.

Therefore oarsmen have the poxy lips.

Pea pulling lass how says shoe dent thrust owns.

Ape plays four a very thin, hand eave hairy thinning hits plaice.

May bee hits called enough two freezer balls offer brass monk quay, butt theirs nope lace like comb.

If you can’t stand the hate get art of the cute chin.

At ten shone deaf is sit high pair active ET dis-sword her.

A pitcher is worth a throw sand-wards.

A leotard cannot change its spots.

Likeable Ena China Shop.

Learn to talk before you pun.

Many hands make plight worse.

A stick in thyme says mine.

Make a slick pose out of a Scouse seer.

Merry in haste; relentless pleasure.

Money Hans makes lie to work.

Banging your ted against a brick wall.

North thing dentured, north thing grained.

Look beef; all you’ll heap.

Anna play day keeps the dock tray way.

Nose mock without fear.

Won man’s meat is an udder man spy son.

An unrelated reminder; Friar Tuck doesn’t like spoonerisms and (according to @VenusDeMileage) neither does Betty Swollocks.

The first rule of Homophone Club is: ‘Yew do knot torque about Homophone Club.’