I recently listed some favourite one-liners by the hilarious Tim Vine, so I thought perhaps it’s time to post some of my own stuff:
My doctor told me to cut down on sodium, but I’m taking his advice with a pinch of salt.
I’ll have to grit my teeth next time I go out in this cold weather, although my teeth don’t usually ice up.
I was thinking outside of the box today; but they found me this afternoon and put me back in.
I’ve almost finished sorting out my string collection; I just need to tie up a few loose ends.
Apparently a new local priest has set the font alight; that must have been a real baptism of fire.
I entered a competition with a paint catapult and won with flying colours.
I’m tired of washing bath sheets and face cloths, so I’ve thrown the towel in.
I have ‘scarlet’ paint and a selection of new books; now to sort the books into a ‘to be red’ pile.
I’ve never had an audience eating out of the palm of my hand, but it’s a different story with pigeons.
I once designed a container to carry picnic hampers; but it turned out to be a basket case.
I’ve been reading about the Tunguska Event, a huge explosion in Siberia in 1908; it was a real blast from the past.
I’m too lazy to take up flower pressing, so I took a leaf from someone else’s book.
I’ve soundproofed the house and bought ear plugs; I’ll do anything for a quiet life.
Does anyone else really hate walking on wet clay; or am I just an old stick in the mud?
A grandmother’s entire estate was willed to her hairdresser; that was a bad heir day.
A pirate and a shepherd were fighting; determined to win by hook or by crook.
Someone broke my umbrella; I take umbrage at that!
I currantly love raisins.
There’s an author named Amber Greene with a novel called ‘Traffic Signal Sequence’ Has anyone read Amber Greene?
If exits are on the way out, are bathroom scales on the weigh in?
Impotence just means no hard feelings.
I followed a trail of pencil graphite right to the end of our yard; I think I’ve been lead up the garden path.
Our cat Max really hates climbing; he’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.
I took up brewing because I like draught beer, but in the end, I bottled it.
Honey seems to be all the rage at the moment; I blame the powers that bee.
I visited the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals office; it’s so small there’s not enough room to swing a cat.
I’ve just realised that worrying does work; 90% of the things I worry about have never happened.
Hermit crabs don’t like having to shell out for a new home.
I saw someone play a violin on children’s TV today; I thought they weren’t allowed to depict violins in children’s programs?
Zoos in North America get rid of their lions at the end of each summer; determining that pride goes before a fall.
I’m very good at startling ducks and chickens, but I wouldn’t say boo to a goose.
I was just about to leave the office when I spilt hot chocolate all over my out tray; still, it’s all in a day’s work.
The council may build a library in the middle of the tracks at the local railway station; that’s reading between the lines.
I ate a delicious creamy gooseberry fool today; it gave me indigestion, but I do suffer fools gladly.
An old bylaw inflicts a financial penalty on anyone carrying salmon in a boiling pot; that’s a fine kettle of fish.
Ironically, I looked ridiculous sitting part way up a tree; I should have satire.
I’ve been told that I make terrible wine because I’m using my own vine fruit, but it’s probably just sour grapes.
The nuns that embroidered either end of the 230 feet long Bayeux tapestry never met; sew near and yet sew far.
This obsession with appearance is getting out of control; I’ve just found these letters wearing toupees: ã ĩ ñ.
In the juice bar today I tried to grab something to drink my orange through, but I was just clutching at straws.
The guys delivering a load of sand to me say it’s been delayed, ah well, the best late plans of my sand men.
I found a great site that sells sausages online; but the link’s broken.
Only older people seem to be queuing in the hordes at the theatre; but I suppose every crowd has a silver line in.
Future alien visitors may well appear in strange forms, but that’s just the shape of things to come.
Genetically modified flowers are fashionable; the Fuchsia’s bright, the Fuchsia’s orange.
A local brass band is recruiting musicians, but I’m reluctant to blow my own trumpet.
I’ve got chocolate all over my earphones; still, I always wanted to be a chocolatier.
Our milkman is legend dairy.
I’m going to a local shop for the first time; I’ve no idea what’s in store.
I really feel in shape today; it’s just a pity it’s the wrong shape
Took me ages to remove the food stains from the doctor’s invoice, but at last I have a clean bill of health.
I have pony spittle all down my arm and that’s straight from the horse’s mouth.
Took a hammer to a new neighbour’s freezer today; just trying to break the ice.
I’m putting off working some bread dough, but I knead to knuckle down.
Trouser zipper manufacturers are dropping like flies.
I’m sure this blueprint’s the wrong way round; back to the drawing board.
It’s time to put an end to punctuation disputes, full stop.
With middle age spread all good thins come to an end.
Is calling a puppy ‘Putrid’ giving a dog a bad name?
Is circumcision a fore gone conclusion?
My head is resting against a violin; I’ve no idea why, I’ll just have to play it by ear.
I’ve a needlework exam today; I’m pinning my hopes on it, but I’m sew nervous I needle little encouragement.
I had forty winks earlier; now my eye’s sore, two people slapped me and only one winked back.
I just Googled the price of amputations; they cost an arm and a leg.
Cutting a gateau into slices looks difficult; turns out it’s a piece of cake.
Bought my wife a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle; don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.
I’ve ordered some German food off the internet; the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.
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