Even more of my previously unpublished Twitter posts and daft comments:
I’m not getting on very well with this keyboard; it’s just not my type.
I only asked for a leg of lamb from our butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.
While I was waiting at the airport recently I heard a Scottish dating advert; “Free Wife, Aye”
I’m feeling rubbish today; this always happens when I put the trash out.
An Australian friend asked me if I thought his bad eye would see better with glasses, so I said ‘Good eye might’.
I should’ve picked the cactus up with my left hand, now I feel a right prick.
I used to rest on my laurels, but then I had them cut down and a fence put up.
Does the phrase; ‘two daft male cattle’ contain more than one silly bull?
I’d always wanted to win a pastry throwing competition, but it was just pie in the sky.
I have more silent drum kits than you can shake a stick at… ah, just realised where I’m going wrong.
I have a yen to visit Tokyo.
LMAO… damn, now where am I going to sit?
The jockey who is always first past the post must be the reining champion.
Blood is thicker than water, although that’s irrelevant even when mixing fruit cordials for relatives.
The writing is on the wall for graffiti.
I’ve been involved in a dispute about sharpening tree felling tools, but then I did have an axe to grind.
Horse meat was once sold in a lot of British butcher shops, but they were flogging a dead horse.
I’ve been burning the candle at both ends and now I’m at my wicks end.
I’m so angry after being hit in the face by a fake Chinese vase; I’m faux Ming at the mouth.
I had a dream about two countries ruled by pets; it was reigning cats and dogs.
William Tell’s son was the apple of his eye.
I started to look out the window to see what the weather was up to, but decided to give it a rain check.
Pheasants, turkeys, geese, partridges, chickens and ducks; a decidedly poultry list composed entirely of fowl language.
I’m absolutely and utterly infatuated and totally LOVE hyperbole!
If you’re responsible for ripping a dollar in half then don’t pass the buck.
If Egyptians renounced the use of ketchup, would that be the sauce of denial?
I managed to buy twelve rare collectable postcards for only 10 US cents, but then found out they were a dime a dozen.
I can’t decide if I like this variable temperature hair dryer; I’m blowing hot and cold.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless the two in the bush are sought after by collectors.
A friend of ours works as a hairdresser for the police, but it wasn’t his first brush with the law.
Went to get food at a takeaway, but changed my mind because the owner had a chip on his shoulder.
Milliners are very irritable; they can get angry at the drop of a hat.
My work is piling up because of this tree trunk on my shoulders, although it’s only a small back log.
I never thought I’d determine what this gateau is; but it turned out to be a piece of cake.
I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. I’m trapped in a tiny gap next to the wall.
If a priest kept making the sign of the cross at a fancy dress party, would it be a blessing in disguise?
Avoid tabloid journalists; hack shuns speak louder than words.
I tried backing up my PC, but I had to stop when I got to the wall.
Is there any truth in the old saying “Absinthe makes the fart grow longer”?
Amputations cost an arm and a leg these days.
The vet suggested I try the carrot and stick approach with our cat, but sellotape won’t stick to the carrot, or the cat…
Using chopsticks on rice goes against the grain.
If doctor’s self medicate, do they get a taste of their own medicine?
Don’t worry about ferry crossings; we’re all in the same boat.
Take some proper topiary lessons and stop beating about the bush.
A fool and his money are easily parted; that’s why so many clowns fall for email scams.
Eco friendly computers can be constructed from the outer layers of tree trunks, but they turn out to be all bark and no byte.
Chocolate’s a good thing isn’t it? So how come you can have too much of a good thing?
Is YO! Sushi the derivation of the phrase ‘what goes around, comes around’?
‘The ability of one compound to dissolve in another compound’ ~ Surely there has to be a solution here?
Don’t repair timepieces; you’ll always be working against the clock.
The sponge is good, but the frosting is the icing on the cake.
If wind is gusting, when it ceases, is it disgusting?
Presumably McDonald’s car park ‘Reverse with care’ notice is a back-up sign?
British Waterways are encouraging canal users to change their locks regularly.
I bumped into our local Domino’s Pizza recently; if it had fallen down, would it have taken all the other Domino’s with it?
I’ve been online for hours today; so now all the washing is hanging up to dry I can get back to the internet.
My blog has a new ‘subscriber’; he’s a calligrapher and he paints signs on submarines.
I owned an abacus when I was an art student; I was part of the counter-culture.
I used to mix up ‘follicular’ and ‘funicular’, which led to some very hairy train rides.
In a recent poll 1 in 10 single men would rather have an iPad than a new partner; gives a whole new meaning to “Coming back to my pad?”
Queen Elizabeth was in Wales on the ‘second leg’ of her Diamond Jubilee tour; presumably the ‘third leg’ was the Isle of Man?
I think river valleys are gorgeous.
I’ve always been interested in the history of millinery, but it’s a bit old hat now.
I had to sell all the rabbits and pheasants, because I didn’t want to give the game away.
I’d like the sun to return, but fog will never be mist.
I drove to the supermarket with a tiny carrot; I was in such a hurry I had to take the shortest root.
I’m supercilious today; that’s like normal cilious, but I’m also wearing a cape.
Apparently the Dalai Lama is not actually a Llama.
I did a roll call in the kitchen this morning, but as none replied I had sliced wholemeal.
I’ve been checking out those ‘100 Things To Do Before You Die’ lists and not one of them has “Shout for help”.
People say love is blind, but I can’t see it myself.
The trouble with masturbation jokes is that they can rub people up the wrong way.
Oceanographers don’t like to be tide up.
Edward Scissorhands wore contact lenses; he should have gone to Specsavers.
Doughnuts are very good for you; as long as you eat the hole thing.
Reading the dictionary is tiring; by the time you reach the end it’s zzzzzzz…
Is ketchup like spring water; bottled at sauce?
Whenever I update my iPhone I get that terrible syncing feeling.
If my punning is worse as I get older; does that mean I’ve groan-up?
I was explaining something to someone when they said “I’ll take your word for it” so I’ve had them charged with plagiarism.
I’ve been obsessing over a broken handle today; I need to get a grip.
If I had an irrational fear of bridges, how would I get over it?
I saw someone tearing off a newspaper coupon today; I wish they’d cut it out.