Tommy Cooper One-liners

Tommy Cooper (1921 – 1984) was a very popular British comedian and magician, who tragically died in the middle of his act on live television. A very funny but flawed man who made a lot of people laugh. I think it’s time to revisit some of his old, traditional but funny, one-liners.

A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’

A man walks into a greengrocer’s and says: ‘I want five pounds of potatoes please.’ And the greengrocer says: ‘We only sell kilos.’ So the man says: ‘Alright then, I’ll have five pounds of kilos.’

I went to Millets and said: ‘I want to buy a tent.’ He said: ‘To camp?’ I said: (butchly) ‘Sorry, I want to buy a tent.’ I said: ‘I also want to buy a caravan.’ He said: ‘Camper?’ I said: (campily) ‘Make your mind up.’

Now here’s a quick laugh. Do this tomorrow. Walk into an antiques shop and shout: ‘What’s new?’

I went into the bank today. I said: ‘Could you check my balance?’ They pushed me over!

A man goes into a petshop. He says: ‘I’d like to buy a wasp please.’ The shopkeeper says: ‘Sorry Sir, but we don’t sell wasps.’ Man says: ‘But you’ve got one in the window!!’

I got into the ring with Muhammad Ali once and I had him worried for a while. He thought he’d killed me!

Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side. She had to. We’ve only got one chair.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

A man goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that he has three minutes to live. ‘Doctor what can you give me?’ The man says. ‘A hard boiled egg,’ says the doctor.

A child of three can do this trick. I wish he was here now.

Just before the show the producer took me to one side. And left me there. He said: ‘How do you feel tonight?’ I said: ‘A bit funny’ He said: ‘Well get out there before it wears off.’

Did you hear that joke about the fire-eater? She hiccuped and cremated herself.

I met this man at the airport and I asked him if he’d like to share a taxi with me. He said he would, I said: ‘You take the engine, I’ll take the wheels!’

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A woman stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said: ‘What do you want?’ ‘I’d like to stay here’ ‘Ok. Stay there.’

My wife wanted to go to the ballet. I said: ‘I’m not going to sit and watch a lot of people on their toes in long underwear.’ She said: ‘You don’t have to. Wear your tuxedo.’

I always call a spade a spade, until the other night when I stepped on one in the dark.

I’ve got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!

This old man was dying and he called his nephew to his bedside. He said: ‘I’m leaving you all my money.’ The nephew said: ‘Thank you, Uncle. What can I do for you?’ He said: ‘Get your foot off my oxygen tube.’

Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’

In days of old, when knights were bold, the king turned to his knight and said: ‘What have you been doing today?’ The knight said: ‘I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf, burning the villages of your enemies in the north.’ The King said: ‘But I don’t have any enemies in the north.’ The knight said: ‘I’m afraid you do now.’

Stand in a library and go ‘Aaagghh!’ and everyone just stares at you. But do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I love bathing beauties, but the trouble is I never bathe any.

When the nurse told my mother she had an eight-pound bundle of joy, she said: ‘Thank God, the laundry’s back!’

When I asked her to whisper those three little words that would make me walk on air, she said: ‘Sure… go hang yourself.’

My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’

My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the light bulb.

I swam the English Channel once. ‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’ Lengthwise?

I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamed that Brigitte Bardot came up to me and said: ‘I will grant you three wishes. Now what are the other two?’

A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’

I’m recovering from a cold. I’m so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I’ll cure someone.

A woman told her doctor: ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor said: ‘It’s old age.’ The woman said: ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says: ‘OK. You’re ugly as well.’

A woman phoned her husband and said: ‘The carburettor is full of water.’ ‘Where’s the car?’ the man said. ‘In the river,’ she replied.

I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!

In Las Vegas, they gamble everywhere. I went into a drug store for an aspirin and the girl behind the counter said: ‘I’ll toss you, double or nothing.’ I lost. I came out with two headaches.

I said to the girl in the shop: ‘I want to buy a hat.’ She said: ‘Fedora?’ I said: ‘No, for myself!’

I was showing my wife this one. I said: ‘Look at this dear.’ I always call her dear. She’s got antlers growing out of the side of her head.

I was woken up this morning by a tap on the door. I must remember to get the plumber to take it off.

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said: ‘Parking Fine.’

I knew a hypochondriac who wouldn’t visit the Dead Sea until he found out what it died of!

She still plays the piano by ear… but sometimes her earrings get in the way.

A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’ He said: ‘What?’

I went to the doctor the other day, I said: ‘I’ve broken my leg in three places.’ He said: ‘Don’t go to those places.’

I got into this taxi and I said to the driver: ‘King Arthur’s Close.’ And the driver said: ‘Don’t worry Tommy, I’ll shake him off at the first corner.’

This guy bought his wife a burial plot for her birthday. The following year, when he bought her nothing, she complained. He said: ‘What are you complaining about? You didn’t use the present I bought you last year!’

The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: ‘Would you please blow into this bag, Sir’ I said: ‘What for, Officer?’ He says: ‘My chips are too hot.’

When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’ I grabbed the nurse!

People learn something new every day. Why, just today, my wife learned that a car won’t climb a telephone pole.

It wasn’t easy to get us kids to eat olives. I had to start off on Martinis!

I came from a very poor family of five children. We all used to sleep in the same bed. In fact, I never slept alone until I got married.

I went to see the doctor the other day. I had to. He was ill.

A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’ The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’

Once I painted a girl in the nude and I almost froze to death.

This fellow walked into a bar with a chicken under one arm and a crocodile under the other. The barman said, ‘What’ll you have?’ He said: ‘A whisky and soda.’ Then the crocodile spoke up and said: ‘I’ll have a gin and tonic.’ The barman said: ‘That’s amazing. I’ve never seen a crocodile that could talk before.’ He said: ‘He can’t. The chicken’s a ventriloquist.’