On the stock exchange today, helium was up, feathers were down and paper was stationary.
Why did the biscuit cry? Because his mother was a wafer too long.
When police officers get cold they go undercover.
Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.
Trainee pilots are nervous because their future is always up in the air.
I’d quite like to be a millionaire just like my dad; he always wanted to be a millionaire too.
I saw someone on the beach shouting “Help, shark! Help!” You have to laugh; that shark’s never going to help him.
Sunglasses are a bit like Facebook; you can stare at people without getting caught.
One tiny mistake can ruin everything you’ve worked so hard for; Tetris can be so damned annoying.
There’s a time and place for wasting your life away and this is it.
Don’t you just hate it when people use words that Google can’t find?
James Bond once slept right through an earthquake; he was shaken, not stirred.
I couldn’t afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive and steel wool.
Bakers with a sense of humour bake wry bread.
The best way to make an apple crumble is to torture it for 10 minutes.
A car showroom used to smuggle cars into the country, until they were convicted of trafficking.
A dangerous new strain of bacteria has been found in packs of soft butter; and it spreads easily.
Three of my fingers are willing, but my thumb and forefinger are opposed.
Police are searching for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lighted match; they want to catch him before he strikes again.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses three thousand times the memory.
Experience is great: it allows you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
Mathematical puns are the first sine of madness.
By the time you can make ends meet, somebody has moved the ends.
If everything seems to be going well, you have probably overlooked something.
Madness takes its toll; please have the exact change ready.
One good thing about egotists; they don’t talk about other people.
I always wanted to be a pharmacist, because I grew up on a pharm.
I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a baby horse and made a complete foal of myself.
Although he was afraid of mice, it didn’t keep him from eeking out a living at a pet store.
How do you make a whale float? A glass of soda, a scoop of ice cream and a whale.
An old gag: When the author of the hokey cokey died it was a nightmare getting him in the coffin; everytime they put his left leg in…
A French restaurant had five dishwashers; they were known as the kitchen cinq.
A jellyfish walked into a hardware shop and bought ten drills.
When ceiling fans were invented, they were considered revolutionary.
If anyone knows the shortest word in the English language containing the letters A, B, C, D, E and F, I’d welcome FEEDBACK.
Our cat did really well in the milk-drinking competition; he licked the competition and won by six laps.
I couldn’t make my mind up whether to set our scales to pounds or kilos, and then I decided either weigh would do.
The Bicycle Wheel Manufacturers Association has appointed a new spokes-person.
I used to go to an origami class, until it folded.
It’s always best to use teabags, as all proper tea is theft.
The knight walked into the blacksmith’s shop and the blacksmith said; “come in, you’ve got mail.”
A man walked into a bar and asked for a pitcher full of beer, so the bartender gave him a drunken baseball player.
Looking up at the stars tonight, I began to ask some profound questions like… “Where the hell is the shed roof?”
How do you get to Wales in a Mini; one in the back and one in the front.
How do you get two whales in a Mini; down the M4 and over the Severn Bridge.
Support bacteria! It’s the only culture some people have.
Women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.
Gas powered aircraft were never successful; in strong winds the pilot used to go out.
Squirrels swim on their back to keep their nuts dry.
Drat, I forgot to go to the gym again today; that’s 42 years in a row now.
Coming soon, timepieces for astronauts; watch this space!
No one could play cards on the ark, because Noah sat on the deck.
I was going to tweet a really good joke about apathy, but I can’t be bothered.
My favourite outdoor activity is coming back inside.
Interesting; apparently you can go to the gym without mentioning in on Twitter or Facebook.
I’ve made my lawn chicken-proof; it’s impeccable.
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
Someone just told me I’m delusional! I nearly fell off my unicorn.
Is anyone else worried about that 0.01% of germs that can’t be killed?
Can you imagine the self control you’d need if you worked in a bubble wrap factory?
I never make the same mistake twice; four or five times usually covers it.
When one door closes another one opens; that’s yet another reason the car needs servicing.
How is it that in maths problems you can buy 75 cantaloupes and no one asks why?
If a racing driver’s wheel failed during a race, he’d have to re-tyre.
If you crossed a dog with a chicken, would you get pooched eggs?
If I download 1,000 puns from the Internet, I’d be well e-quipped.
A shepherd drove his flock of sheep through town and got a traffic ticket for making a ewe turn.
An X-ray specialist married one of her patients and everyone wondered what she saw in him.
I’m trying to lose weight by going to the paint store; apparently you can get thinner there.
I have a huge peak on my baseball cap; it’s my supervisor.
If you had to choose between your partner and £1,000,000, what is the first thing you would buy?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
House training your dog might be a great idea, but it doesn’t look good on paper.
What happens when sound advice falls upon deaf ears?
Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands. (This joke never grows old)
Make the little things count; teach maths to young children.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing; they just waved.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
As the shoe said to the hat; “You go on a head and I’ll follow on foot.”
I saw an enza virus outside; I opened the window and influenza.
A letter from NHS Blood and Transplant said I had type A blood, but it was a type O.
I know someone who’s addicted to brake fluid; he says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Native Americans were the first people to arrive in the continent because they had reservations.
The Energiser Bunny has been arrested and charged with battery.
If you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Does anyone know who Quasimodo is? It doesn’t ring any bells with me.
The book I published about failure has been a great success; it didn’t sell.
I didn’t like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.
My deafness has been cured; I never thought I’d hear myself saying that.
For other stuff in this blog, click on these links: