Life observations

A small collection of observations and comments that have made me smile, some are mine, but most are ones I’ve gleaned from Twitter and Facebook:

 

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

I don’t have a solution but I do admire the problem.

Two rules to live by: First, look out for #1. Second, don’t step in #2.

My genetic insanity is very fit and healthy; it runs in the family.

I finally got my head together, but now my body’s falling apart.

I don’t have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder; I’m just multi-tasking.

I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Some mistakes are far too much fun to only make once.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you needed it.

Don’t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

People are jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Make something idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Everybody repeat after me: “We are all individuals”.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I want patience AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

My doctor just told me that I’m colour blind; that was right out of the orange.

Being over the hill is much better than being under it.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.

Don’t marry a tennis player; love means nothing to them.

My inferiority complex isn’t as good as everyone else’s.

Smokers are the same as everyone else; just not as long.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Good health is just the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

Think outside the box; it’s too late once you’re in it.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if you throw it hard enough.

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

 

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Tim Vine One-line Groaners


Tim Vine is an English actor, writer, TV host and hilarious stand-up comedian, his stand-up act mainly consists of quick-fire one-line ‘groaner’ jokes and word play.

He won the funniest joke of the year at the Edinburgh Fringe in 2010. His winning joke was ‘I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.’

Anyway, to the point of this post, here’s a selection of Tim Vine’s famous one-liner gags:


The advantage of easy origami is twofold…

I was in the Army once and the sergeant said to me ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said ‘I give up!’

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!

So I rang up British Telecom and said ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’ He said ‘Not you again’

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one’

I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said ‘Put it back’

I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing; serves him right

Albinos; you can’t say fairer than that

So I said to this train driver ‘I want to go to Paris’ He said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘I’ve been on telly, but I’m no Dean Martin’

Beware of Alphabet Grenades; if you throw them, it could spell disaster

I saw this advert that said ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full’ I thought ‘I can’t turn that down’

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Black beauty; he’s a dark horse

I wanted to be a milkman; but I didn’t have the bottle

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from’

I said to the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said ‘How flexible are you?’ I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’

My mate said to me ‘Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?’ I said ‘Cors-i-can!’

I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags; he’s bisatchel

I went to the local supermarket. I said ‘I want to make a complaint; this vinegar’s got lumps in it’ He said ‘Those are pickled onions’

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything; trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past; it was a bit choppy

I used go out with an anaesthetist; she was a local girl

Did you know that if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it would give birth to a litter of Twiglets?

So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are’

During the war, my grandfather could not stop scribbling; he got hit by a Doodlebug

I’ve got a front door made from sponge; don’t knock it

I’ve played football on a plane, you know… there I was, running up the wing!

I threw some snow at my girlfriend; she didn’t catch my drift

Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They’ve formed The Doors

I went to the icecream shop and said ‘I want to buy an icecream’ He said ‘Hundreds and thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with the one’

When I left home, my mum said ‘Don’t forget to write’ I thought ‘That’s unlikely; it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?’

Velcro… what a ripoff

So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Weggie Kray

I went to the record shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

What do you call a lady with big teeth who sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui

When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up

Exit signs; they’re on the way out aren’t they?

This bloke said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of your trouser leg and put it in a library’ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books’

So I went to the dentist. He said ‘Say Aaah.’ I said ‘Why?’ He said ‘My dog’s died’

The price of hearing aids has gone up? Deaf people across the country are going ‘how much?’

I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you’

I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil; crematoriums

I’m not very good at magic; I can only do half of a trick. Yes, I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’

So I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue’ I said ‘No, just a watch’

I went into a shop and I said ‘Can someone sell me a kettle’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said ‘Where is he?’

I went to a pet shop. I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’

I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels’ He said ‘You’ve got cholera’

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R

I was reading this book today, ‘The History of Glue’ and I couldn’t put it down

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on

My mate asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work?’ I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me’

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said ‘I want you to trace someone for me’

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said ‘No, it’s a permanent job’

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says ‘Audi!’

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said ‘Nearest the bull goes first’ He went ‘Baah’ and I went ‘Moo’ He said ‘You’re closest’

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny; you couldn’t swing a cat in there

I stole things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts

Whenever I’m in Italy I become a rickety old table. I guess I’m just a hopeless Rome antique

After I’ve had an argument I sometimes hold a Hoover over my head. It helps clear the air

The other day I sat on a hairdryer. That put the wind up me

This bloke said to me, he said I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away. I said that’s a bit far-fetched

This reporter said to me, he said how would you describe the absence of Haley’s flaming meteorite? I said no comet

I’m amazed how many people go to Ascot when it’s windy. Still, hats off to them

Me and my brother inherited some furniture from the local zoo. I’m glad to say I got the lion’s chair

I was skiing through Tie Rack and I fell down an 80-foot cravat

So I saw this bloke who was a cross between an ostrich and a serial killer. He was always burying other people’s heads in the sand

The other day I tied my head to a dog’s tail. I just fancied a bit of a chinwag

So I saw this bloke with a 1.2-litre engine halfway down his arm. I said more power to your elbow

I don’t like my hands. I always keep them at arm’s length

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

BNAG – that’s BANG out of order!

I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly

So I said to my Mum I’m going to the funfair. She said Oooooh will you go on the Ghost train? I said No, I’ll walk

So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I’d like to rent Batman Forever. I said No, just for two hours!

I decided to sell my Hoover… well it was just collecting dust.



 

 

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Some (more) favourite quotes

 

Some (more) favourite quotes“Do all that you can, with all that you have, in the time that you have, in the place where you are” ~ Nkosi Johnson (1989-2001)

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans” ~ John Lennon

“Press freedom / some authorities are confused by the two meanings of press” ~ Loesje

“That the only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilised community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others” ~ J S Mill

“Trust provides security / fences don’t” ~ Loesje

“Don’t follow your dreams; chase them” ~ Richard Dumb

“There is nothing constant in this world but inconsistency” ~ Jonathan Swift

“Le doute n’est pas une condition agréable, mais la certitude est absurde” ~ Voltaire

“It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept” ~ Bill Watterson

“Don’t find fault, find a remedy” ~ Henry Ford

“The good thing about science is that it’s true whether or not you believe in it.” ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson

“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world” ~ The Buddha Dhammapada

“The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those that got there first” ~ Steven Tyler

“Ask yourself this question: Will this matter a year from now?” ~ Richard Carlson

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven…” ~ John Milton (Paradise Lost)

“The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth” ~ Gerald Burrill

“Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it” ~ Andre Gide

“Know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything’s different” ~ Bill Watterson

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us” ~ Bill Watterson

“Being brave / Lets no one off the grave / Death is no different whined at than withstood” ~ from Aubade by Philip Larkin

“Life on earth is expensive / but it includes a free trip around the sun” ~ Loesje

“If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed” ~ Mark Twain

“I liked things better when I didn’t understand them” ~ Bill Watterson

“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you are the world” ~ Anonymous

“Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get” ~ Ingrid Bergman

“Pay attention. And keep breathing” ~ Terence McKenna

“Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“Eschew the ordinary, disdain the commonplace” ~ Chuck Jones

“If you have a single minded need for something, let it be the unusual, the esoteric, the bizarre, the unexpected” ~ Chuck Jones

“I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough. Without ever having felt sorry for itself” ~ D H Lawrence

“We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow; Our wiser sons, no doubt, will think us so” ~ Alexander Pope

“It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It’s only necessary to be rich” ~ Alan Alda

“If adventure doesn’t wait on the doorstep / climb out through the window” ~ Loesje

“The best number for a dinner party is two – myself and a damn’ good head waiter” ~ Nubar Gulbenkian

“The truth / which one of the three versions do you want to hear” ~ Loesje

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us” ~ Helen Keller

“Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy” ~ Cynthia Nelms

“An apostrophe is the difference between a business that knows its shit and a business that knows it’s shit.” ~ Sam Tanner

“Life is short, eat dessert first” ~ variously credited to Mark Twain, Ogden Nash, Ernestine Ulmer, Sue Ellen Cooper and Jacques Torres



For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations



Twitter lists

My lists for some of the things I’m interested in

There are quite a few Twitter links for Nottingham people, places and organisations at the bottom of the page.

Click on the images to link to the lists.

Chocolate

Chocolate
Chocolate

Humour – Well, they amuse me anyway

Humour
Humour









National and international news

National and international news
National and international news

Twitter stuff – Applications and information

Twitter stuff
Twitter stuff

IT stuff – Web, software and applications

IT stuff
IT stuff







Quotations – Quote unquote
Quotations
Quotations

Twit-fiction – Writers of fiction, short stories and poetry

Fiction, short stories and poetry
Fiction, short stories and poetry








Nottingham


News and media tweets about Nottingham

Nottingham news
Nottingham news

Arts, culture and entertainment in Nottingham

Nottingham arts and culture
Nottingham arts and culture

Restaurants, cafes and pubs in Nottingham

Nottingham food and drink
Nottingham food and drink








Musicians, groups and music venues in Nottingham

Nottingham music and venues
Nottingham music and venues

Companies, business and commerce in Nottingham

Nottingham Commerce
Nottingham Commerce

Tweets from and about Nottingham City Council and partners

Nottingham City Council
Nottingham City Council






Organisations, groups and societies in Nottingham

Organisations in Nottingham
Organisations in Nottingham






Tweety Treats To ReTweet

A very small selection of some favourite Tweets.

@5tevenw
Cigarettes are just like ferrets, perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire…

@seanmtully
Ah – the quiet and persistent genius: RT @MumblingNerd: I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous :^)

@JoyLashes
Fave tweet! @MumblingNerd Apparently there’s a theory that chocolate slows down the aging process; it may not be true, but why take the risk?

@mlomb
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. #humor

@ComicTwit
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

@OriMeissa
RT @MumblingNerd Wear short sleeves and support your right to bare arms! :^) << Groan!! Now that’s a 2nd amendment everyone can live with :)

@5tevenw
2 Eskimos in kayak were cold. They lit fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it

@5tevenw
My wife says I never listen to her….or something like that.

@mrjuggles
RT @MumblingNerd: I’ve been thinking about Tweeting to someone in jail, but the sentence was too long :^)

@waivethesale
@PembDave There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary & those who don’t.

@pissyserver
Why don’t people google things? Some of my smartest friends send me emails asking me shit when googling it would yeild faster answers.

@shitmydadsays
“A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching.”

@shitmydadsays
“I hate paying bills… Son, don’t say “me too.” I didn’t say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of “go away.”

@shitmydadsays
“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain’t spitting it out.”

@duhism
rt Duhism Master @MumblingNerd: I bought a new jersey in Newark, Nottinghamshire, but now it’s in such a state I only wear it in the garden

@maineroots
Brilliant! RT @MumblingNerd: Why would you need both a carrot and a stick, when a very large raw carrot could fulfil both roles?

@shitmydadsays
“I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it…No, I’m not gonna stop, I’m just saying yes, I get that concept.”

@Hipchickadee
I have C.D.O. It’s like O.C.D. but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be

@BrazenlyLiberal
RT @MumblingNerd: Read Tweet. Right wheat, rate trait, right to eat, raid treat; right sweet! Ride tight, right trite… retreat. Re Tweet.

@MumblingNerd
@indykitty I had a flat in Nottingham in the hilly bit, before that I had a flat in the flat bit, now I’m in the hilly bit without a flat

@indykitty
As soon as you make something idiot-proof, along comes a bigger idiot.

@indykitty
Two rules to live by: First, look out for #1. Second, don’t step in #2.

@MumblingNerd
Found a woollen jumper by the bus stop this morning; perhaps a driver had to pullover :^)

@TheWritersDen
New strangest tweet of the day~ @MumblingNerd ~ To wear is you man, two four give deep vine.~

@StoryofMyLife
Cool Twitter name of the day: @MumblingNerd #fb Yay!

@YouLookGreat
says take life one day at a time, but take doughnuts two at a time.

@norcross
90 people get swine flu and everyone wants to wears a mask. A million people get AIDS and yet no one wants to wear a condom. Just sayin.

@harmonyjones
Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be.

@A_McLordy Pope says atheists pick & choose their morals. Correct. Today I will be frowning on child abuse & not having a problem with homosexuality.

@rationalbritain
RT @ MumblingNerd Friar Tuck doesn’t like spoonerisms. Heheheh…

@deathbychoccy
Men are always whining about how women suffocate them. Well, if you can still hear them whine, you’re not holding the pillow hard enough!


For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations



Small selection of short jokes

My dog, Minton, ate some shuttlecocks the other day. Bad Minton.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Two chickens are sitting by the side of the road. One says to the other: “Are you going to cross then?”  “No,” he says,“we’ll never hear the end of it.”

I walked by the fridge last night, thought I heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song, when I opened the door it was just chives talkin.

There are two billiard balls in a pub. One says to the other: “You’re round.”

What do you call a pig with three eyes? A piiig!

How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot…

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino…

How do you make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

“What are you doing in that wardrobe?” ~ “Narnia business!”

I love the way the Earth rotates; it really makes my day.

Can February March? No, but April May.

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

What do you call a camel with three humps?  Humphrey…

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

There are two monkeys getting into the bath. One says: “Ooh ooh ah ah ah ah!” The other says: “Well put some cold in then!”

Two fish swim into a wall. One turns to the other and says: “Dam”.

There are two eggs in a frying pan. One says: “Aaagh! It’s really hot in here!” The other says: “Aaagh! A talking egg!”

There are two hats are on a hat stand. One says to the other “You stay here and I’ll go on a head”.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp? A: A bear faced lyre.

What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school?…“Bison”.

A man goes into a library and says “Fish and chips please”. “This is a library!” said the librarian. So the man whispers back “Sorry, fish and chips please”.

In France they love rabbit puns; apparently they’re lapin it up.

I was thinking about word play on video-games, but no pun Nintendo’d.

I’ve stopped gluing Formica to mdf board; it was counterproductive.

I was going to do a pun about a sick bird, but it’s ill eagle.

I have a great pun about a cow that fell off a tall building; it’s ledge end dairy.

Might buy the book ‘How to Make a Tornado’ by New Scientist; I’m hoping there will be a good twist at the end.

Do you know how duvets are insulated? They’re down loaded.

An owl fell in love with two comedians and had two wits to woo.

The capacitor kissed the diode, because he just couldn’t resistor.

The new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

I tried to eat my watch, but it was too time consuming.

A new scientific study has revealed that if your parents didn’t have children, neither will you.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

What’s loud and sounds like apples? APPLES!

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey.

What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.

What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop? Shoe!

The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms.

How does a lion like his meat? ROAR!

I intended making a John F Kennedy jelly mould today, but I didn’t want to set a president.

What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

I once had a make shift job at a computer keyboard factory.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shitzhu.

I used to fix computers, but IT’s all behind me now.

Due to indigestion, I’m having a little whine with this cheese.

Small boats are very vulnerable to pier pressure.

I intended to have a clock for lunch, but it was too time consuming.

Successful jewel thieves usually have a good ring leader.

Always be kind to your dentist; they have fillings too.

My singing partner couldn’t make it last night; I had to duet alone.

I once got stuck in a glue factory.

I watched a TV drama yesterday about a house with a tiny garden; there wasn’t much of a plot.

A noun and a verb were seeing each other, but they split up because the noun was too possessive.

I took up fencing once, but I couldn’t see the point.

Why is a good book called a page turner: surely that’s the minimum requirement of any book?

Telepath wanted; you know where to apply.

A tomato family went for a walk. The youngest tomato lagged behind, so the others went back, squashed it, and shouted “Ketchup!”

It’s an old one, but have you all seen the Christmas alphabet? ► ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

I imagine snooker players never get tired of receiving potted plants at Christmas.

#PhotoTip
Don’t stand too close to other people in group photos; it makes it easier to crop them out later.

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks “Euripides?” The professor replies “Yes. Eumenides?”

What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

I wrote a theatrical performance about puns; it was a play on words.

I saw a policewoman using a taser recently; she was stunning.

No one knew my friend had dentures until it came out in conversation.

I’m trying to eat more greens, so I’m now on a new dye it.

I tried wearing a Malaysian dress, but it was sarong size.

Sometimes, from time to time, every so often, occasionally, now and then, once in a while, I wish I’d not been given this thesaurus.

What did the zero say to the number eight? “Nice belt.”

Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.

Two cows standing in a field, one says “Moooooooo”, the other says “Damn it, I was going to say that!”

Cat pilot: “If the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. Please bat them with your paws.”

Give a hungry man a GCSE Science textbook and he will eat Faraday.

If at first you don’t succeed, try at least two more times, so that your failure is statistically significant.

Rory McIlroy is getting new golf shoes, because he had a hole in one.

Okay, time for a quick pole: North or South?

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.

What’s the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.

A farmer asked his new farm hand if he’d shoed a horse before. The farm hand replies “No, but I once told a donkey to piss off”.

What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Identical middle names.

When the wheel was invented it caused a revolution.

What do an eagle and a mole have in common? They both live underground. Except for the eagle.

According to the Automobile Association, the A3 and A4 are both stationery.

I really can’t speak highly enough about helium balloons.

I play a fluorescent triangle really well. I apologise for the gloating.

What’s the difference between a cat and a compound sentence? One has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause.

Why wouldn’t the prawn share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.

Before I met my wife I was single by choice. Unfortunately not by my choice.

Who does a Pharaoh talk to when he’s upset? His mummy.

Did Pharaohs like wrap music?

What do you do with a sick ship? Take it to the docks.

Cinderella was a keen soccer player, but she was kicked off the team because she ran away from the ball.

I was the first person to install trampolines in musician’s tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.

All owl puns are terrible; says who?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

A kitchen explosion in France would result in linoleum blown apart.

You’re stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

I used to break into song because I couldn’t find the key.

#SpellingRule
I before E, except after C… and also when you heinously seize your weird foreign neighbour’s feisty beige heifer

How do you spot a Finnish extrovert? They look at somebody else’s shoes.

Archaeologists are in a legal battle about how they can get to a Bronze Age village, but they expect reach a settlement.

When I’m watching a film, I usually eat popcorn, but if it’s a horror film, ice cream.

The grass may be greener on the other side, but at least you don’t have to mow it.

My life is an open book, but it’s badly written and I die at the end.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

Escalators don’t break down; they just turn into stairs.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.

The wifi went down during our family dinner tonight, someone started talking and I’ve no idea who they are.

I just bought a thesaurus, but when I opened it all the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

One day it’s the best thing since sliced bread, the next, it’s toast.

True friendship is when you walk into someones house and your wifi connects automatically.

I had a Wookie steak in a restaurant last night; it was a little Chewy.

Maths teachers call retirement the aftermath.

What do you call Dracula when he has hayfever? The pollen Count.

A golf ball is a golf ball no matter how you putt it.

Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless grapes?

Hell is wallpapered with all our deleted selfies.

Nothing ruins Friday more than realising that today is Tuesday.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Someone ripped pages from both ends of my dictionary; it just goes from Bad to Worse.

My mother just found out that I’ve replaced her bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

Some people think I’m addicted to somersaults, but that’s just how I roll.

I’ve just broken a window, but I felt no pane.

The debate about unmanned aircraft just keeps droning on.

When cave men got together they formed clubs.

When the queen starts a new hive, bees have a house swarming party.

Tall people sleep longer in bed.

My leaf blower doesn’t work; it sucks.

A couple started to drift apart after they bought a water bed.

A paediatrician is usually a doctor with very little patients.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Children can play hopscotch almost anywhere, but my drive is where I draw the line.

When the cannibal arrived late for the celebration meal, they gave him the cold shoulder.

Turtles think frogs are homeless.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

If you expect the unexpected, doesn’t that make the unexpected the expected?

After waiting ages for the bowling alley to open, we finally got the ball rolling.

Peter Pan is useless at throwing punches; they Neverland.

If you press the lift button at least three times it goes into urgent mode and arrives much faster…

Who said nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.

Everywhere is in walking distance, if you have the time.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

I refused to believe my father was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.

Everyone seems normal, until you get to know them…

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Music makes every day better. Especially if you turn it up loud enough to drown out everyone around you.

Is it right that only one company makes the board game Monopoly?

Yesterday I fell from a 10 metre ladder; fortunately I was on the second step.

There are days when I feel so old that, when I was a child, rainbows were in black and white.

I’ve decided to put something aside for a rainy day. It’s an umbrella.

A police officer who arrested a judge dressed like a convict for a costume party had never learned to book a judge by their cover.

A bow and quiver are both required for archery, but they are also instructions for what to do if someone aims at you.

The correct way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to annoy you.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a hell of a lot easier than putting it back in.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Black widow spiders kill their males after mating just to avoid the snoring.

My new electric garden trimmers are cutting-hedge technology.

 

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Some favourite quotes



“It is bad luck to be superstitious.” – Andrew W. Mathis

“Hindsight is always twenty‑twenty.” – Oscar Wilde

“A great deal of what we see depends on what we are looking for.” – Unknown

“If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.” – Douglas Adams

“Before you argue with a fool make sure he is not similarly occupied.” – Willam George Plunkett

“A committee is a group of the unwilling, chosen from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.” – Anonymous

“Little old grey haired, hunchbacked, mumbling nerd.” – Alice Manterfield (on Roy Manterfield)

“The fish can be ‘heads’ because it has a head, oh wait, it has a tail as well doesn’t it!” – Grace Carlin

“A man is a fool not to put everything he has, at any given moment, into what he is creating.” – Frank Herbert

“Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.” – George Carlin

“To believe something in the face of evidence and against reason – to believe something by faith – is ignoble, irresponsible and ignorant, and merits the opposite of respect.” – A.C. Grayling

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” – Douglas Adams

“In the elder days of Art,
Builders wrought with greatest care
Each minute and unseen part;
For the Gods see everywhere.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“Friar Tuck doesn’t like spoonerisms.” – Roy Manterfield

“My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.” – Douglas Adams

“Beware of half-truths – you may have the wrong half.” – Willam George Plunkett

“When you have nothing to say, say nothing.” – Winston Churchill

“Life is just one damned thing after another.” – Joseph Heller

“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.” – Douglas Adams

“It’s a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn’t want to hear.” – Dick Cavett

“The shortest way to do many things is to do only one thing at once.” – B F Skinner

“Experience is the art of not making the same mistake too many times.” – Willam George Plunkett

“Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?” – Douglas Adams (on religion)

“I may not have gone, where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up, where I intended to be.” – Douglas Adams

“One never notices what has been done; one can only see what remains to be done.” – Marie Curie

“[The World Wide Web is] the only thing I know of whose shortened form — www — takes three times longer to say than what it’s short for.” – Douglas Adams

“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.” – Elizabeth Barrett Browning

“Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill

“Men are always whining about how women suffocate them. Well, if you can still hear them whine, you’re not holding the pillow hard enough!” – deathbychoccy (Twitter 11 Febraury 2009)

“Self Portraits are generally coloured.” – Willam George Plunkett

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it” – Groucho Marx

“Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I’d poison your tea. Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it.” – Winston Churchill

“Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember, it didn’t work for the rabbit.” – R E Shay

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” – Groucho Marx

“Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be.” – Harmony Jones (Twitter 17 March 2009)



For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations