Well, I have to put them somewhere.
A couple of the jokes are repeated elsewhere in this blog, but they still make me laugh, so I’ve left them in :^)
Question of the day: what’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)
Come to the nerd side; we have pi
Just driven past a minor, but costly looking accident, now I know how a Mercedes bends.
My pencil keeps breaking every time I sharpen it, I’m giving up now, it’s pointless.
A vandalised Chinese restaurant was an act of wonton destruction.
Apparently it’s illegal to have indentured servants, so I’ve had to confiscate the butler’s false teeth.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
Good grief; I looked through a gym window and someone had put a water bottle in the Pringles can holder on a treadmill!
I asked a marine archaeologist if he’d ever found a pirate ship. He said he’d never found a whole one, but he had found pieces of eight.
I can’t cook, because insects have plundered my pantry. My ingredients are in greedy ants.
I can’t resist slapping giggling spiritualists in the face. I do like to strike a happy medium.
I entered the world crowbar championships this year. First prise!
I got off to a bad start with our new cat, so to make things right I had start from scratch.
I just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I have a nap.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon; I’ll let you know.
I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
I’m a light eater; as soon as it gets light I start eating.
I’ve been banned from our local hardware store for stealing kitchen utensils, but that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I’ve been fired from my job at the zoo for lining up all the animals in order of height. Apparently they didn’t like me critter sizing the zoo.
I’ve just been to our local goose showroom; I only went for a gander.
If aristocrats have difficulty walking, do they get nobility scooters?
If you travel by ghost train, watch out for the ticketing spectre.
My friend gets quite violent if you give him sponge, jelly, fruit and cream for dessert. He’s not to be trifled with.
My wife and I are always laughing about how competitive we are. I laugh more though.
My wife went to a well woman clinic. It was okay, but didn’t like being winched in a bucket.
Penultimate is my last but one favourite word.
Quicksand always gives me a sinking feeling.
The counterfeiters knew the police were onto them but they decided to forge ahead anyway.
The first rule of Homophone Club is: ‘Yew dew knot torque a boat Homophone Club.’
The local council offered me a refuse bin; I said no.
When spring finally came the excited farmer wet his plants.
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
A friend’s dog managed to swallow a few coins; he’s keeping his eye on it, but says there’s no change yet.
I always wanted to learn how to juggle, but I just don’t have the balls to do it.
It’s hard to beat a boiled egg in the morning.
I’ve just torn up a note pad and wrapped it around my stomach; it was a waist of paper.
I’ve been trying to push the envelope at work, but it’s still stationery.
I’m okay now, but when my hair first started to turn grey I thought I’d dye.
What do expensive muesli and a 13amp socket have in common? Alternating currants.
A teacher had to go for an eye test because he couldn’t control his pupils.
I think my local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew its seams.
Our old settee felt terrible until recently, but now it’s fully recovered.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
How can you tell when you’ve run out of invisible ink?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I saw a beaver film last night; it was the best dam film I’ve ever seen.
I’ve never been able to bend the truth; I think it’s a lie ability.
Wear short sleeves and support your right to bare arms!
Do you think there are signs at drug rehabilitation centres that say ‘KEEP OFF THE GRASS’?
In some cultures Petri is a shallow circular dish best served at room temperature on a multi-well plate.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hall. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
If you ever get onto a plane and recognise a friend called Jack, don’t shout ‘Hi Jack!’
At our local recycling centre dead batteries can be handed in free of charge.
Houdini was known to have used a lot of trap doors in his act at one time, but he was just going through a stage.
I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
What did the stamp collector say when he was complimented? ‘Philately will get you nowhere’.
Our local butcher was busy serving customers when he backed into his meat slicer; now he’s got a little behind in his work.
We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.
If cattle had a sense of humour, would they be a laughing stock?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
I used to eat doughnuts every single day, but then I got tired of the hole thing.
Grammarians are never late; they’re always very punctual.
Two rights don’t make a wrong; they make an aeroplane.
My inferiority complex isn’t as good as everyone else’s.
A friend told me about an acquaintance who employs a butler with a missing left arm; serves him right.
Question: what is a prisoner’s favourite punctuation mark? Answer: a period, because it’s at the end of a sentence.
I’m not telling my wife I’ve just eaten some glue; my lips are sealed.
The little old lady who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner; there were strings attached.
Abominable: word used to describe an explosive device swallowed by a male bovine.
A stonemason who misspells a word on a gravestone is engrave trouble.
Most rocks have been around for a long time, but we shouldn’t take them for granite.
Why can’t fishermen be generous? Because their business makes them sell fish.
I went to the record shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said: ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’
Two peanuts were walking through a rough neighbourhood and one of them was a salted.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in chocolate sauce; Police think that he topped himself.
How do you make antifreeze? Hide her cardigan.
If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving probably isn’t for you.
Apparently overheard in a United Nations toilet; ‘urination of strange people’.
My grandfather was shrewd; people threw small mammals at him until he suffocated.
To some people, marriage is a word, to others, it’s a sentence.
It’s better to love a short person than not a tall.
My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Smokers are the same as everyone else; just not as long.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Two goldfish were in a tank. One says to the other: ‘How do we drive this thing?’
A man just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might be a heroine dealer.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
A friend once dated a very peculiar whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A cannibal ate a missionary and got a taste for religion.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers today, but I couldn’t find any.
A local balloon factory had to close due to inflation, it was quite a blow.
A patient went to see the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The psychiatrist said: ‘Well, I can clearly see your nuts’.
According to Santa’s lawyer, all of his little helpers are subordinate clauses.
Two psychiatrists pass each other; one says hello and the other one wonders what he meant by it.
A tourist had to get an eye test while visiting an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
My pet centipede just died. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised; it was on its last legs.
I bought eight legs of venison for £40; is that two deer?
I was thinking about making a comeback, but I haven’t been anywhere.
Don’t read a pop-up book about giraffes unless you wear glasses.
My genetic insanity is very fit and healthy; it runs in the family.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
Six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy, but only one out of seven is Grumpy.
Think outside the box; it’s too late once you’re in it.
I took the shell off my racing snail to try and speed it up, but it just made it sluggish.
I’m confused; oh hang on, maybe I’m not.
Why can’t you starve in the desert? Because of the sand which is there.
Why did the scientist fit his front door with an old-fashioned knocker? He was a Nobel Prize winner.
5/4ths of people have problems with fractions.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the motorway; Police have confirmed there will be no congestion for eight hours.
Noah sent Ham, and his descendants mustered and bred in the sand which is in the desert.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? Mississippi.
What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow? Run over.
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To put out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To put out burning ducks.
There are three kinds of people; those who can count and those who can’t.
Borrow money from pessimists; they don’t expect it back.
How can you tell when an economist is lying? Their lips are moving.
The economy is so bad that the Mafia is starting to lay off judges.
Money talks. The trouble is, it only knows one word; goodbye.
Money isn’t everything, but it does keep the children in touch.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers.
Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there.
I have friends who swear they dream in colour but it’s just a pigment of their imagination.
What’s green and smells like yellow paint? Green paint.
Why do ghouls and demons get on so well? Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Heard about the dating agency for chickens that went bust? Apparently they couldn’t make hens meet.
Two yoghurts walk into a bar. ‘We don’t serve your kind in here’ says the bartender’ A yoghurt asks ‘Why not, we’re cultured’.
Dr Watson was in a bar, it was past closing time and he was a bit drunk. ‘Come on’ said the barman ‘Haven’t you got Holmes to go to?’
A saw and a hammer go into a bar and some other tools join them; the saw turns to the hammer and says ‘You know the drill, don’t you?’
The Italians are installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa; after all, what good is the inclination if you don’t have the time?
Fortune tellers are very easy to buy clothes for; they’re all mediums.
The boy cannibal was expelled from school for buttering up the teacher.
God was tired after making a 24 hour period, so he decided to call it a day.
If you dream that you’re writing The Lord of the Rings, are you just Tolkien in your sleep?
How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.
Some cultures consider swallowing and expelling a fountain pen a write of passage.
What’s the difference between a duck? One leg is both the same.
A man spent his life collecting memorabilia of Wonder Woman, Joan of Arc and Florence Nightingale; apparently he was a heroine addict.
Mary had a little lamb, and then she had some dessert.
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi refused painkillers during his root canal work; he wanted to transcend dental medication.
Police arrested two people, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks; they charged one and let the other one off.
What did one deoxyribonucleic acid say to another? Do these genes make me look fat?
A double negative forms a positive, but apparently there is no language where a double positive is a negative. Yeah, right.
A Pepsi executive has been fired; he tested positive for Coke.
Why are tenors like pirates? Because they’re both murder on the high C’s.
The human cannonball wanted to retire, but the circus owner couldn’t find a replacement of his calibre.
After many attempts a scientist successfully cloned his own genes; he was so thrilled, he was beside himself.
The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s plaster cast.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.
How many tech-support people does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and then on again?
What do you call twin policemen? Copies.
My friend’s ex-wife was deaf and she left him for a deaf friend; to be honest, he should have seen the signs.
Why did the skeleton refuse to go bungee jumping? He didn’t have the guts.
Why did the ram fall over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.
Why don’t oysters give to charity? They’re shellfish.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.
Why couldn’t Count Dracula’s wife sleep? Because of his coffin.
First thing this morning, there was a tap on our door; our plumber has an odd sense of humour.
Why does ‘smiles’ hold the record as the longest word in the dictionary? Because the two ‘s’s are a mile apart.
What do you call a parrot in the rain with an umbrella? Polyunsaturated.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
How does a Dalek keep its skin soft? EXFOLIATE!
Why did the Dalek cross the road? To EXTERMINATE! the chicken.
What did the Spanish fireman call his sons? Jose and Hose B.
One arm butlers; they can take it but they can’t dish it out.
A shoe factory has burnt down; two hundred soles were lost.
A police station toilet has been stolen; officers have nothing to go on.
I used to work at Kwik-Fit, but I gave up the job; every day I was tyred and exhausted.
Postman: ‘Is this letter for you; the name is smudged?’ Man: ‘No, it can’t be for me, my name’s Smith’.
Two elephants walk off a cliff… boom, boom!
Apparently bread is quite dangerous; over 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
WARNING: Dates on the calendar are closer than they appear.
PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone somewhere might be happy.
‘Dad, can I have another glass of water please? ~ ‘But I’ve given you 10 already!’ ~ ‘Yes, but the bedroom’s still on fire!’
Son: ‘Dad, can I go to the bathroom?’ ~ Dad: ‘MAY I go to the bathroom?’ ~ Son: ‘But I asked first!’
A Vicar and a Buddhist are having toast when an image of Jesus appears in the margarine; the Buddhist says ‘I can’t believe it’s not Buddha’.
Coffee beans were chewed for more than 400 years before the first cup of coffee was brewed; nail biters might want to consider the new business venture possibilities here.
I’m a dyslexic, atheist, insomniac; I stay up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
Never get behind the Devil in a Post Office queue, for the Devil has many forms.
I have all the money that I’ll ever need; as long as I die by 4pm today.
How many dyslexics does it take to light a change bulb?
Change is inevitable; except from vending machines.
With the application of sufficient thrust pigs fly really well.
Thought I’d visit some different stores, but when you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
The problem with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
Oh dear, I just let my mind wander, but it hasn’t come back yet.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Everything seemed to be coming my way today, but I was just in the wrong lane.
To err is human; to successfully blame it on someone else shows management potential.
I’ve been revising for a practical exam on pest control; I was up all night swatting.
There’s been a vote to decide on a theory to replace continental drift; plate tectonics won by a land slide.
I’m trying my hand at computer hacking, but I think I need a larger machete.
I have a portable stereo that looks like a large cake; it’s a gateaux blaster.
Pigs don’t like using the telephone when there’s crackling on the line.
A friend of mine was a brick layer before he went to prison; to this day he still isn’t a free mason.
Surely it ought to be possible to achieve at least one giggle out of every ten word plays? No pun in ten did.
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