I bought some new electric garden trimmers; they’re cutting-hedge technology.
‘VENI, VEDI, VISA’: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
I thought I’d visit some different stores, but when you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
I think the local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew its seams.
Never get behind the Devil in a Post Office queue, for the Devil has many forms.
I’m going to a local shop for the first time; I’ve no idea what’s in store.
A ladder has been stolen from a hardware store; the manager says that further steps will be taken.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers today, but I couldn’t find any.
Plastic surgery is very expensive; amputations cost an arm and a leg.
Why can’t fishmongers be more generous? Because their business makes them sell fish.
I went to the music shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said: ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’
A shopkeeper just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might be a heroine dealer.
I went to the hardware store to buy a curtain rod and the manager asked me how long I’d want it; so I told him I’d like to keep it.
Our baker has a sense of humour; he bakes wry bread.
I’ve bought one of those memory foam cushions, but I can’t remember where I put it.
The bicycle shop owner broke his ankle and was unable to peddle his wares.
At the grocery store a dangerous new strain of bacteria has been found in packs of soft butter; and it spreads easily.
I know I’ve bought lots of Velcro cable grips, but I can’t find any now. I must be losing my grip.
A pub started brewing in-house because they loved draught beer, but in the end, they bottled it.
I saw a huge new funeral parlour opening today; it was quite an undertaking.
Our butcher sells sausages online; but the link’s broken.
Our butcher backed into his meat slicer; now he’s got a little behind in his work.
Our butcher had to sell all his rabbits and pheasants, because he didn’t want to give the game away.
I bought eight legs of venison from our butcher for £40; is that two deer?
I asked our butcher if he had a capon, but he said; “No, who do you think I am, Batman?”
I bought some Toulouse sausages today, now I can’t find them; they must have been too easy Toulouse.
I only asked for a leg of lamb from the butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.
Horse meat was once sold in a lot of British butcher shops, but they were flogging a dead horse.
In the café today I tried to grab something to drink my milkshake with, but I was just clutching at straws.
A car showroom used to smuggle cars into the country, until they were convicted of trafficking.
I bought my wife a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle; I don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.
I’ve ordered some German food over the internet; the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.
I recently bought some very expensive perfume as a gift; I’ve no common scents.
Stationery traffic has been blamed on the huge number of vehicles delivering envelopes & writing paper.
“Do you sell hot water bottles?” ~ “I’m afraid not; have you tried Boots?” ~ “Yes, but the water comes out of the lace holes”
I managed to buy twelve rare collectable postcards for only 10 US cents, but then found out they were a dime a dozen.
I decided against a takeaway, because the shop owner had a chip on his shoulder.
I drove to the supermarket with a tiny carrot; I was in such a hurry I had to take the shortest root.
Milliners are very irritable; they can get angry at the drop of a hat.
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