“I’ve put on some weight recently. My wife says it’s just puppy fat, but I’ve been eating other things as well.” ~ Gareth Richards
“So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I’d like to rent Batman Forever. I said No, just for two hours!” ~ Tim Vine
“My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn’t fancy her chances.” ~ Nish Kumar
“I was going to spend the afternoon daydreaming… but my mind kept wandering.” ~ Steven Wright
“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.” ~ Stewart Francis
“Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.” ~ George Ryegold
“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” ~ Rob Beckett
“I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don’t know I’m using blanks.” ~ Emo Philips
“I have a stepladder. It’s a very nice stepladder, but it’s sad that I never knew my real ladder.” ~ Craig Charles
“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” ~ Will Marsh
“I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know Y.” ~ Chris Turner
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” ~ Stewart Francis
“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand” ~ Homer Simpson
“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” ~ Rob Auton
“I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.” ~ Alex Horne
“I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.” ~ Alfie Moore
“My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily’.” ~ Tim Vine
“I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.” ~ Gary Delaney
“The universe implodes. No matter.” ~ Liam Williams
“The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.” ~ Chris Coltrane
“The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.” ~ Milton Jones
“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” ~ Peter Kay
“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” ~ Benny Hill
“I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy.” ~ Tommy Cooper
“I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail.” ~ Unknown Origin
“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” ~ Herm Albright
“Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.” ~ Sloane Crosley
“Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.” ~ Isabel Allende
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” ~ Miss Piggy
“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.” ~ W C Fields
“I can’t stand innuendo. If I see one in a script I whip it out immediately.” ~ Kenneth Williams
For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:
MumblingNerd's Mumbling Blog 
Your article was awesome. Thankful