Cat quotes… I mean quotes about cats

“If cats could talk, they wouldn’t” ~ Nan Porter

“Most cats, when they are out want to be in, and vice versa, and often simultaneously” ~ Louis F. Camuti DVM

“The phrase ‘domestic cat’ is an oxymoron” ~ George F. Will

“My husband said it was him or the cat… I miss him sometimes” ~ Unknown

“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later” ~ Mary Bly

“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference” ~ Charlotte Gray

“Some people own cats and go on to lead normal lives” ~ Unknown

“In nine lifetimes, you’ll never know as much about your cat as your cat knows about you.” ~ Michel de Montaigne

“No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens” ~ Abraham Lincoln

“The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat” ~ Ogden Nash

“What are kittens made of? 30% cuteness, 29% mischief, 28% purrs, 10% soft fur, 3% innocence” ~ Unknown

“A cat can purr its way out of anything” ~ Donna McCrohan

“Cats make great pets; out of their owners.” ~ Anonymouse

“The little furry buggers are just deep, deep wells you throw all your emotions into” ~ Bruce Schimmel

“When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with me rather than I with her?” ~ Montaigne

“You own a dog but you feed a cat” ~ Jenny de Vries

“Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well” ~ Missy Dizick

“As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat” ~ Ellen Perry Berkeley

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow” ~ Jeff Valdez

“Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want” ~ Joseph Wood Crutch

“Time spent with cats is never wasted” ~ Sigmund Freud

“Everyone needs a dog to adore him, and a cat to bring him back to reality” ~ Unknown

“The reason cats climb is so that they can look down on almost every other animal… it’s also the reason they hate birds” ~ K C Buffington

“Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience” ~ Pam Brown

“A cat is there when you call her – if she doesn’t have something better to do” ~ Bill Adler

“Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many different ailments, but I have never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.” ~ Joseph Wood Krutch

“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution” ~ Hazel Nicholson

“If your cat falls out of a tree, go indoors to laugh” ~ Patricia Hitchcock

“Cats like doors left open – in case they change their minds” ~ Rosemary Nisbet

“A cat doesn’t know what it wants and wants more of it” ~ Richard Hexem

“A cat will do what it wants when it wants, and there’s not a thing you can do about it” ~ Frank Perkins

“If the claws didn’t retract, cats would be like Velcro” ~ Dr Bruce Fogle

“Cats never strike a pose that isn’t photogenic” ~ Lillian Jackson Braun

“A baited cat may grow as fierce as a lion” ~ Samuel Palmer

“A cat will assume the shape of its container” ~ Unknown

“Two things are aesthetically perfect in the world; the clock and the cat…” ~ Emile Auguste Chartier

“Some people say man is the most dangerous animal on the planet. Obviously those people have never met an angry cat” ~ Lillian Johnson

“In ancient times, cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this” ~ Terry Pratchett

“There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast” ~ Unknown

“Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer” ~ Bruce Graham

“The cat is the only animal which accepts the comforts but rejects the bondage of domesticity” ~
Georges Louis Leclerc de Buffon

“Those who’ll play with cats must expect to be scratched” ~ Cervantes

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Favourite humorous quotes

Favourite humorous quotes“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them” ~ Emo Philips

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it” ~ Groucho Marx

“I bought an anti-bullying wristband when they came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid” ~ Jack Whitehall

“Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability” ~ Bill Bailey

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” ~ George Carlin

“Consciousness: that annoying time between naps” ~ Anonymous

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again” ~ Tim Vine

“Happiness is having a large, loving, close-knit family in another city” ~ George Burns

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else” ~ Lily Tomlin

“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery” ~ Spike Milligan

“Dave drowned. At the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted” ~ Gary Delaney

“Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability” ~ David Brent

“Exercise is a dirty word… Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate” ~ Charles M Schulz

“Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year” ~ Victor Borge

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing” ~ Emo Philips

“I tell you, we are here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different” ~ Kurt Vonnegut

“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know” ~ Groucho Marx

“I do not have OCD. I checked, three or four hundred times, and I definitely don’t have it” ~ David Mitchell

“I don’t like my hands. I always keep them at arm’s length” ~ Tim Vine

“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine” ~ Tommy Cooper

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read” ~ Groucho Marx

“My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the hell she is” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

“He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy!” ~ Brian’s mother, Life of Brian

“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R” ~ Tim Vine

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” ~ Stephen Wright

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes” ~ Jack Handey

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason” ~ Jack Handey

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies” ~ Groucho Marx

“All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed” ~ Sean O’Casey

“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious” ~ Brendan Gill

“She said she was approaching 40, and I couldn’t help wondering from which direction” ~ Bob Hope

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat” ~ Lilly Tomlin

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia” ~ Charles Schulz

“Stand in a library and go aaagghh! and everyone just stares at you. But do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in” ~ Tommy Cooper

“We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet” ~ Rita Rudner

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man” ~ Jack Handey

“I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect” ~ Anonymous

“I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet” ~ Rita Rudner

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things” ~ George Carlin

“Great moments in science: Einstein discovers that time is actually money” ~ Gary Larson

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine” ~ Rita Rudner

“Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway” ~ Anonymous

“But I’m not so think as you drunk I am” ~ Samuel Smiles

“I intend to live forever, or die trying” ~ Groucho Marx

“Cheese – milk’s leap toward immortality.” ~ Clifton Fadiman

“Fortunately ah keep mah feathers numbered for, for just such an emergency.” ~ Foghorn Leghorn

“If you’re depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.” ~ Milton Jones


 

 

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For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


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Quotations



Some (more) favourite quotes

 

Some (more) favourite quotes“Do all that you can, with all that you have, in the time that you have, in the place where you are” ~ Nkosi Johnson (1989-2001)

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans” ~ John Lennon

“Press freedom / some authorities are confused by the two meanings of press” ~ Loesje

“That the only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilised community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others” ~ J S Mill

“Trust provides security / fences don’t” ~ Loesje

“Don’t follow your dreams; chase them” ~ Richard Dumb

“There is nothing constant in this world but inconsistency” ~ Jonathan Swift

“Le doute n’est pas une condition agréable, mais la certitude est absurde” ~ Voltaire

“It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept” ~ Bill Watterson

“Don’t find fault, find a remedy” ~ Henry Ford

“The good thing about science is that it’s true whether or not you believe in it.” ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson

“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world” ~ The Buddha Dhammapada

“The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those that got there first” ~ Steven Tyler

“Ask yourself this question: Will this matter a year from now?” ~ Richard Carlson

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven…” ~ John Milton (Paradise Lost)

“The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth” ~ Gerald Burrill

“Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it” ~ Andre Gide

“Know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything’s different” ~ Bill Watterson

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us” ~ Bill Watterson

“Being brave / Lets no one off the grave / Death is no different whined at than withstood” ~ from Aubade by Philip Larkin

“Life on earth is expensive / but it includes a free trip around the sun” ~ Loesje

“If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed” ~ Mark Twain

“I liked things better when I didn’t understand them” ~ Bill Watterson

“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you are the world” ~ Anonymous

“Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get” ~ Ingrid Bergman

“Pay attention. And keep breathing” ~ Terence McKenna

“Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“Eschew the ordinary, disdain the commonplace” ~ Chuck Jones

“If you have a single minded need for something, let it be the unusual, the esoteric, the bizarre, the unexpected” ~ Chuck Jones

“I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough. Without ever having felt sorry for itself” ~ D H Lawrence

“We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow; Our wiser sons, no doubt, will think us so” ~ Alexander Pope

“It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It’s only necessary to be rich” ~ Alan Alda

“If adventure doesn’t wait on the doorstep / climb out through the window” ~ Loesje

“The best number for a dinner party is two – myself and a damn’ good head waiter” ~ Nubar Gulbenkian

“The truth / which one of the three versions do you want to hear” ~ Loesje

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us” ~ Helen Keller

“Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy” ~ Cynthia Nelms

“An apostrophe is the difference between a business that knows its shit and a business that knows it’s shit.” ~ Sam Tanner

“Life is short, eat dessert first” ~ variously credited to Mark Twain, Ogden Nash, Ernestine Ulmer, Sue Ellen Cooper and Jacques Torres



For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations



What is the fibula? – A small lie

I’ve seen these questions and answers posted in various places, the questions were apparently set in GCSE examinations in England.


The answers are (supposedly) actual answers from 16 year olds, worrying if true, but hilarious, and worth repeating:


Q  Name the four seasons
A
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q  Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q  How is dew formed
A
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q  What causes the tides in the oceans
A
The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q  What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A
If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q  In a democratic society, how important are elections
A
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q  What are steroids
A
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q  What happens to your body as you age
A
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q  What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q  Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A
Premature death

Q  What is artificial insemination
A
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q  How can you delay milk turning sour
A
Keep it in the cow

Q  How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A
The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q  What is the fibula?
A
A small lie

Q  What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A
Nearby

Q  What is the most common form of birth control
A
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q  Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A
The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q  What is a seizure?
A
A Roman Emperor

Q  What is a terminal illness
A
When you are sick at the airport

Q  Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q  Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q  What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A
Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q  What is a turbine?
A
Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head


 

 

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For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations



Chocolate is the answer

Chocolate Siocled Chocolat Cioccolato Shokolade Chocolade Chokolade Choklad Čokoláda Czekolada Csokoládéval Шоколад Σοκολάτα Çikolata …

… so many ways to say chocolate and those have hardly scratched the surface.

Chocolate keyboard
Chocolate keyboard

Anyway, just a few chocolaty comments. I don’t need a reason; it’s chocolate.

Rules of chocolate

Remember the acronym: WAFFLES

Weight

Never eat more chocolate than you can lift.

Answer

Chocolate is the answer and the question is irrelevant.

Food tip

Have a chocolate bar before each meal; it will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less.

Failure

If at first you don’t succeed, have a little chocolate.

List

Put ‘eat chocolate’ at the top of your list of things to do today and at least you’ll get one thing done.

Extent

A little too much chocolate is just about right.

Speed

If you have melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.



Chocolate aphorisms

All well known, but worth repeating:

Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed, but chocolate makes it worthwhile.

Chocolate is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.

I’d give up chocolate, but I’m no quitter.

You can eat chocolate in front of your parents.

Leftover chocolate
Leftover chocolate
There’s a thin person inside of me screaming to get out, but I keep them sedated with chocolate.

So much chocolate, so little time.

Save the Earth! (It’s the only planet with chocolate).

Seven days without chocolate makes one weak.

If you ate a lifetime’s supply of chocolate in one day, should you be worried?

Will you buy me chocolate? (A) Yes – (B) A – (C) B

Chocolate is not a matter of life and death; it’s more important than that.

Star Trek gag: The Borg ~ Wrappers are futile; chocolate will be assimilated.

Health ~ Chocolate is made from cocoa beans and beans are vegetables. Sugar is obtained from either sugar beet or sugar cane, both of which are plants, so they are also vegetables. Chocolate, therefore, is a vegetable. Milk chocolate contains milk, which is a dairy product. Milk chocolate contains both vegetables and dairy and is therefore a health food.


My Father's Day chocolates
My Father's Day chocolates

Chocolate quotations

“Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don’t need an appointment.” ~ Catherine Aitken

“I never met a chocolate I didn’t like.” ~ Counsellor Deanna Troi, Star Trek: The Next Generation

“There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles.” ~ Anonymous

“Exercise is a dirty word… Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.” ~ Charles M Schulz

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… chocolate….” ~ Homer Simpson

“As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.” ~ Sandra Boynton

Everything either is or isn't chocolate“Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth person always lies.” ~ John Q. Tullius

“Caramels are only a fad. Chocolate is a permanent thing.” ~ Milton Hershey

“Chocolate: Here today… Gone today!” ~ Daniel Worona

“Eat food. Not too much. Mostly chocolate” ~ Debbie Moose

“Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces.” ~ Judith Viorst

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate” ~ Charles Dickens

“The 12-step chocoholics program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!” ~ Terry Moore



These quotations and others can also be found here:
Quotes about chocolate


Chocolate rabbits
Chocolate rabbits


Final thoughts



There are only three things in life that matter; good friends, good chocolate and, erm… what was the other one?

‘Knock knock!’

‘Who’s there?’

‘Imogen.’

‘Imogen who?’

‘Imogen life without chocolate!’

If calories are a problem, keep your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will remove themselves from the chocolate to protect their peace of mind.


Apparently there is a theory that chocolate slows down the aging process; it may not be true, but why take the risk?

:^)


There are lots of chocolate tweets on Twitter:

Twitter Chocolate


And in MumblingNerd’s Daily Chocolate


MumblingNerd’s chocolate destination print



Back to Chocolate

Back to MumblingNerd’s home page




Twitter lists

My lists for some of the things I’m interested in

There are quite a few Twitter links for Nottingham people, places and organisations at the bottom of the page.

Click on the images to link to the lists.

Chocolate

Chocolate
Chocolate

Humour – Well, they amuse me anyway

Humour
Humour









National and international news

National and international news
National and international news

Twitter stuff – Applications and information

Twitter stuff
Twitter stuff

IT stuff – Web, software and applications

IT stuff
IT stuff







Quotations – Quote unquote
Quotations
Quotations

Twit-fiction – Writers of fiction, short stories and poetry

Fiction, short stories and poetry
Fiction, short stories and poetry








Nottingham


News and media tweets about Nottingham

Nottingham news
Nottingham news

Arts, culture and entertainment in Nottingham

Nottingham arts and culture
Nottingham arts and culture

Restaurants, cafes and pubs in Nottingham

Nottingham food and drink
Nottingham food and drink








Musicians, groups and music venues in Nottingham

Nottingham music and venues
Nottingham music and venues

Companies, business and commerce in Nottingham

Nottingham Commerce
Nottingham Commerce

Tweets from and about Nottingham City Council and partners

Nottingham City Council
Nottingham City Council






Organisations, groups and societies in Nottingham

Organisations in Nottingham
Organisations in Nottingham






Sensible, prudent and rational?

A few actions and conducts that appear to be sensible, prudent and rational, but are really just another poor excuse to repeat yet more quotations:


Plan for the future, but live for now; don’t live for a future that might be better, because it may never arrive.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” ~ Albert Einstein

“It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.” ~ Yogi Berra

“Go for it now. The future is promised to no one.” ~ Wayne Dyer


Be yourself and say what you think.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss

“It is better to be hated for what one is, than loved for what one is not.” ~ André Gide

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” ~ Kurt Cobain


Enjoy luxuries in small doses; too much of any one thing reduces the pleasure you take from it.

“The saddest thing I can imagine is to get used to luxury.” ~ Charlie Chaplin


Don’t complain; either do something about it or forget it and move on.

“Say and do something positive that will help the situation; it doesn’t take any brains to complain.” ~ Robert A. Cook

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain — and most fools do.” ~ Dale Carnegie


Tell the truth; being untruthful will almost always come back to you.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” ~ Mark Twain

“You never find yourself until you face the truth.” ~ Pearl Bailey


Help other people; that too will almost always come back to you.

“Help others achieve their dreams and you will achieve yours.” ~ Les Brown

“No man can help another without helping himself.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“No matter what accomplishments you make, somebody helped you.” ~ Althea Gibson


Don’t assume anything; assumptions stifle your thoughts and actions.

“If you see the teeth of the lion, do not think that the lion is smiling at you.” ~ Al-Mutanabbi

“Many people might have attained wisdom had they not assumed they already had it.” ~

Source Unknown


Travel to new places.

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.” ~ Mark Twain

“Travel teaches tolerance.” ~ Benjamin Disraeli

“To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries.” ~ Aldous Huxley

“The more I travelled the more I realized that fear makes strangers of people who should be friends.” ~ Shirley Maclaine


Don’t expect money to make you happy.

“Money makes a good servant, but a bad master.” ~ Francis Bacon

“The only thing I like about rich people is their money.” ~ Lady Nancy Astor

“If you marry for money, you will surely earn it.” ~ Ezra Bowen


Don’t spend too much time either on your appearance or worrying; neither will solve anything in the long term.

“We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.” ~ Ethel Barrett

“Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

“Stop worrying — nobody gets out of this world alive.” ~ Clive James


Have the courage to do things; most of the time you will be successful.

“Do something. If it works, do more of it. If it doesn’t, do something else.” ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt


Achieve things that matter to you.

“You never achieve real success unless you like what you are doing.” ~ Dale Carnegie


Work without interruption on one single thing at a time.

“The shortest way to do many things is to do only one thing at a time.” ~ Sydney Smiles


Keep your mind open to new ideas, tools and techniques.

“There will always be a frontier where there is an open mind and a willing hand.” ~ Charles F. Kettering


And last, but not least; when you do something, do it well.

“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson


But remember:

“Believe nothing you hear, and only half of what you see.” ~ Mark Twain



For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Daft stuff; humour, jokes, quips and gags

Puns and word-play

Quotations



Tweety Treats To ReTweet

A very small selection of some favourite Tweets.

@5tevenw
Cigarettes are just like ferrets, perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire…

@seanmtully
Ah – the quiet and persistent genius: RT @MumblingNerd: I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous :^)

@JoyLashes
Fave tweet! @MumblingNerd Apparently there’s a theory that chocolate slows down the aging process; it may not be true, but why take the risk?

@mlomb
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. #humor

@ComicTwit
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

@OriMeissa
RT @MumblingNerd Wear short sleeves and support your right to bare arms! :^) << Groan!! Now that’s a 2nd amendment everyone can live with :)

@5tevenw
2 Eskimos in kayak were cold. They lit fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it

@5tevenw
My wife says I never listen to her….or something like that.

@mrjuggles
RT @MumblingNerd: I’ve been thinking about Tweeting to someone in jail, but the sentence was too long :^)

@waivethesale
@PembDave There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary & those who don’t.

@pissyserver
Why don’t people google things? Some of my smartest friends send me emails asking me shit when googling it would yeild faster answers.

@shitmydadsays
“A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching.”

@shitmydadsays
“I hate paying bills… Son, don’t say “me too.” I didn’t say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of “go away.”

@shitmydadsays
“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain’t spitting it out.”

@duhism
rt Duhism Master @MumblingNerd: I bought a new jersey in Newark, Nottinghamshire, but now it’s in such a state I only wear it in the garden

@maineroots
Brilliant! RT @MumblingNerd: Why would you need both a carrot and a stick, when a very large raw carrot could fulfil both roles?

@shitmydadsays
“I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it…No, I’m not gonna stop, I’m just saying yes, I get that concept.”

@Hipchickadee
I have C.D.O. It’s like O.C.D. but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be

@BrazenlyLiberal
RT @MumblingNerd: Read Tweet. Right wheat, rate trait, right to eat, raid treat; right sweet! Ride tight, right trite… retreat. Re Tweet.

@MumblingNerd
@indykitty I had a flat in Nottingham in the hilly bit, before that I had a flat in the flat bit, now I’m in the hilly bit without a flat

@indykitty
As soon as you make something idiot-proof, along comes a bigger idiot.

@indykitty
Two rules to live by: First, look out for #1. Second, don’t step in #2.

@MumblingNerd
Found a woollen jumper by the bus stop this morning; perhaps a driver had to pullover :^)

@TheWritersDen
New strangest tweet of the day~ @MumblingNerd ~ To wear is you man, two four give deep vine.~

@StoryofMyLife
Cool Twitter name of the day: @MumblingNerd #fb Yay!

@YouLookGreat
says take life one day at a time, but take doughnuts two at a time.

@norcross
90 people get swine flu and everyone wants to wears a mask. A million people get AIDS and yet no one wants to wear a condom. Just sayin.

@harmonyjones
Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be.

@A_McLordy Pope says atheists pick & choose their morals. Correct. Today I will be frowning on child abuse & not having a problem with homosexuality.

@rationalbritain
RT @ MumblingNerd Friar Tuck doesn’t like spoonerisms. Heheheh…

@deathbychoccy
Men are always whining about how women suffocate them. Well, if you can still hear them whine, you’re not holding the pillow hard enough!


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Humour

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Some favourite quotes



“It is bad luck to be superstitious.” – Andrew W. Mathis

“Hindsight is always twenty‑twenty.” – Oscar Wilde

“A great deal of what we see depends on what we are looking for.” – Unknown

“If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.” – Douglas Adams

“Before you argue with a fool make sure he is not similarly occupied.” – Willam George Plunkett

“A committee is a group of the unwilling, chosen from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.” – Anonymous

“Little old grey haired, hunchbacked, mumbling nerd.” – Alice Manterfield (on Roy Manterfield)

“The fish can be ‘heads’ because it has a head, oh wait, it has a tail as well doesn’t it!” – Grace Carlin

“A man is a fool not to put everything he has, at any given moment, into what he is creating.” – Frank Herbert

“Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.” – George Carlin

“To believe something in the face of evidence and against reason – to believe something by faith – is ignoble, irresponsible and ignorant, and merits the opposite of respect.” – A.C. Grayling

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” – Douglas Adams

“In the elder days of Art,
Builders wrought with greatest care
Each minute and unseen part;
For the Gods see everywhere.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“Friar Tuck doesn’t like spoonerisms.” – Roy Manterfield

“My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.” – Douglas Adams

“Beware of half-truths – you may have the wrong half.” – Willam George Plunkett

“When you have nothing to say, say nothing.” – Winston Churchill

“Life is just one damned thing after another.” – Joseph Heller

“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.” – Douglas Adams

“It’s a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn’t want to hear.” – Dick Cavett

“The shortest way to do many things is to do only one thing at once.” – B F Skinner

“Experience is the art of not making the same mistake too many times.” – Willam George Plunkett

“Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?” – Douglas Adams (on religion)

“I may not have gone, where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up, where I intended to be.” – Douglas Adams

“One never notices what has been done; one can only see what remains to be done.” – Marie Curie

“[The World Wide Web is] the only thing I know of whose shortened form — www — takes three times longer to say than what it’s short for.” – Douglas Adams

“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.” – Elizabeth Barrett Browning

“Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill

“Men are always whining about how women suffocate them. Well, if you can still hear them whine, you’re not holding the pillow hard enough!” – deathbychoccy (Twitter 11 Febraury 2009)

“Self Portraits are generally coloured.” – Willam George Plunkett

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it” – Groucho Marx

“Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I’d poison your tea. Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it.” – Winston Churchill

“Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember, it didn’t work for the rabbit.” – R E Shay

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” – Groucho Marx

“Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be.” – Harmony Jones (Twitter 17 March 2009)



For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:


Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations