I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; it’s impossible to put down.
I’m glad I know sign language; it comes in handy.
If towels could tell jokes, they would probably have a dry sense of humour.
Police were called to a nursery where a three year old was resisting a rest.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
A man had his left arm and leg amputated; he’s all right now.
I wondered why the football was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.
If you asked a plastic surgeon to make you look like a pelican, would you get a massive bill?
When ancient wall sculptors finished their work, it was a relief.
Someone left a piece of Plasticine in my house. I didn’t know what to make of it.
As one frog croaked to the other; “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”
Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas because he felt his presents.
I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.
Just watched a religious order playing stringed instruments; there’s too much sects and violins on TV these days.
I nearly lost my frog puppet recently; it tried to Kermit suicide.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
I saw a kidnapping today, but decided not to wake him up.
I’ve spilt glue all over my autobiography. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
I’ve just eaten a very hard biscuit; that was one tough cookie.
There are a few grave diggers wandering around the local graveyard; I think they’ve lost the plot.
I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.
Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Palaeontologists thought they’d found new evidence of a missing link, but it was just another fossil arm.
There’s a terrible smell in the local Apple store; it’s a shame they don’t have Windows.
I use my iPhone when I can’t get to sleep; I have a nap for it.
I found out why our refuse collectors are so miserable; they’ve been down in the dumps.
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office DVD is in big trouble; you have my Word.
A woman said she’d recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
What do you call someone with neither a body nor a nose? Nobody nose.
I heard a song about a tortilla today; actually it was more of a wrap.
I decided not to return to my drumming lessons for fear of the repercussions.
I heard that OXYGEN and MAGNESIUM were going out and I was like O Mg!
If the devil ever loses his hair there will be hell toupée.
If anyone knows a really good fish pun, let minnow.
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
Ban singing in football stadiums? No chants.
I’m reading an excellent book about where people keep their cutlery; it’s top drawer.
I like to sing songs without choruses, but usually I refrain.
Would you like to know my secret to being a successful mime artist? I’m saying nothing.
My wife asked me to mend the plug on her fan; I simply refused.
Why do you never hear a pterodactyl use a toilet? Because the P is silent.
I haven’t done the hokey cokey in years. As you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.
I just read an advert for a job inspecting mirrors; I could really see myself doing that.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps; but I’m slowly getting over it.
People who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.
Picasso once had a job as a stadium illustrator; he always drew a big crowd.
I worked in a paperless office once; everyone avoided the toilets.
The invention of the pickaxe was ground breaking.
I had to fire a masseuse today; she was rubbing people up the wrong way.
Apparently, the Sydney Opera House is off quay.
I have a very successful business building yachts in the attic; sails are going through the roof.
I often get a lift from an old school friend who always drives in reverse gear; we do go back a long way.
People keep telling me I’m too sceptical, but I don’t believe them.
I found some great puns at the drapers while I was looking for new material.
This book of incantations is useless; the author didn’t use a spell checker.
I’ve ordered a reversible jacket; I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
I used to enjoy archery, but it has its drawbacks.
Will glass coffins prove popular? Remains to be seen.
If you were sent down for a few years, it could be used to stuff quilts.
I know a professor who had his appendix removed, but he still has a full set of footnotes and an extensive bibliography.
Parachute For Sale: only used once, never opened, small stain.
I don’t like my tennis coach’s serve, so I keep returning it.
I swallowed some food colouring by accident and now I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I used to hate maths but then I realised decimals have a point.
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
Last year I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet.
My therapist has suggested I take something for my kleptomania.
There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
On maps of Florida the key is always at the bottom.
I wonder which bright spark invented fire?
I’ve started a joke courier business; I can’t take anything seriously.
My daughter said I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
I was almost crushed recently by a pile of books, but I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
I’ve just been on iTunes trying to sync ‘The Titanic’.
Dry erase boards are remarkable.
A man walks into a betting shop and asks “Can I back a horse in here?” The bookmaker nods, so the man shouts “Okay Jim, back her in!”
Two cats are swimming across a river. One’s name is ‘One Two Three’ and the other’s name is ‘Un Deux Trois.’ Who makes it across? One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
What’s the bear minimum? One bear.
I went to a duck fancying club once. It was pretty fowl.
I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
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