Tim Vine One-line Groaners


Tim Vine is an English actor, writer, TV host and hilarious stand-up comedian, his stand-up act mainly consists of quick-fire one-line ‘groaner’ jokes and word play.

He won the funniest joke of the year at the Edinburgh Fringe in 2010. His winning joke was ‘I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.’

Anyway, to the point of this post, here’s a selection of Tim Vine’s famous one-liner gags:


The advantage of easy origami is twofold…

I was in the Army once and the sergeant said to me ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said ‘I give up!’

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!

So I rang up British Telecom and said ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’ He said ‘Not you again’

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one’

I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said ‘Put it back’

I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing; serves him right

Albinos; you can’t say fairer than that

So I said to this train driver ‘I want to go to Paris’ He said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘I’ve been on telly, but I’m no Dean Martin’

Beware of Alphabet Grenades; if you throw them, it could spell disaster

I saw this advert that said ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full’ I thought ‘I can’t turn that down’

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Black beauty; he’s a dark horse

I wanted to be a milkman; but I didn’t have the bottle

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from’

I said to the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said ‘How flexible are you?’ I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’

My mate said to me ‘Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?’ I said ‘Cors-i-can!’

I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags; he’s bisatchel

I went to the local supermarket. I said ‘I want to make a complaint; this vinegar’s got lumps in it’ He said ‘Those are pickled onions’

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything; trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past; it was a bit choppy

I used go out with an anaesthetist; she was a local girl

Did you know that if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it would give birth to a litter of Twiglets?

So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are’

During the war, my grandfather could not stop scribbling; he got hit by a Doodlebug

I’ve got a front door made from sponge; don’t knock it

I’ve played football on a plane, you know… there I was, running up the wing!

I threw some snow at my girlfriend; she didn’t catch my drift

Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They’ve formed The Doors

I went to the icecream shop and said ‘I want to buy an icecream’ He said ‘Hundreds and thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with the one’

When I left home, my mum said ‘Don’t forget to write’ I thought ‘That’s unlikely; it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?’

Velcro… what a ripoff

So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Weggie Kray

I went to the record shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

What do you call a lady with big teeth who sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui

When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up

Exit signs; they’re on the way out aren’t they?

This bloke said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of your trouser leg and put it in a library’ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books’

So I went to the dentist. He said ‘Say Aaah.’ I said ‘Why?’ He said ‘My dog’s died’

The price of hearing aids has gone up? Deaf people across the country are going ‘how much?’

I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you’

I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil; crematoriums

I’m not very good at magic; I can only do half of a trick. Yes, I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’

So I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue’ I said ‘No, just a watch’

I went into a shop and I said ‘Can someone sell me a kettle’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said ‘Where is he?’

I went to a pet shop. I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’

I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels’ He said ‘You’ve got cholera’

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R

I was reading this book today, ‘The History of Glue’ and I couldn’t put it down

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on

My mate asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work?’ I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me’

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said ‘I want you to trace someone for me’

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said ‘No, it’s a permanent job’

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says ‘Audi!’

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said ‘Nearest the bull goes first’ He went ‘Baah’ and I went ‘Moo’ He said ‘You’re closest’

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny; you couldn’t swing a cat in there

I stole things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts

Whenever I’m in Italy I become a rickety old table. I guess I’m just a hopeless Rome antique

After I’ve had an argument I sometimes hold a Hoover over my head. It helps clear the air

The other day I sat on a hairdryer. That put the wind up me

This bloke said to me, he said I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away. I said that’s a bit far-fetched

This reporter said to me, he said how would you describe the absence of Haley’s flaming meteorite? I said no comet

I’m amazed how many people go to Ascot when it’s windy. Still, hats off to them

Me and my brother inherited some furniture from the local zoo. I’m glad to say I got the lion’s chair

I was skiing through Tie Rack and I fell down an 80-foot cravat

So I saw this bloke who was a cross between an ostrich and a serial killer. He was always burying other people’s heads in the sand

The other day I tied my head to a dog’s tail. I just fancied a bit of a chinwag

So I saw this bloke with a 1.2-litre engine halfway down his arm. I said more power to your elbow

I don’t like my hands. I always keep them at arm’s length

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

BNAG – that’s BANG out of order!

I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly

So I said to my Mum I’m going to the funfair. She said Oooooh will you go on the Ghost train? I said No, I’ll walk

So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I’d like to rent Batman Forever. I said No, just for two hours!

I decided to sell my Hoover… well it was just collecting dust.



 

 

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My wife’s gone to…

A few very old gags, some with particular thanks to @ErikPetersen and @dancludlow


‘My wife’s gone to the West Indies’ ~ ‘Jamaica?’ ~ No, she went of her own accord’

‘My wife’s gone to Indonesia’ ~ ‘Jakarta?’ ~ ‘No, she went by plane’

‘My wife bought a hat in Central America’ ~ ‘Panama?’ ~ ‘No, it was a trilby’

‘My wife spent last winter in Switzerland’ ~ ‘Berne?’ ~ ‘No, she nearly froze’

‘My wife flew to America recently’ ~ ‘Chicago?’ ~ ‘No, she was a passenger’

‘My wife opened a brothel in Hawaii’ ~ ‘Maui?’ ~ ‘No you may not!’

‘My wife loves whiskey from the Southern United States’ ~ ‘Mississippi?’ ~ ‘No, she just drank the whole bottle’

‘My wife’s band went on tour in South East Asia’ ~ ‘Singapore?’ ~ ‘Yes, and the bassist’s rubbish too’

‘My wife’s gone to Oslo’ ~ ‘Norway?’ ~ ‘Yes, way!’

‘My wife’s an Angel’ ~ ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive!’

‘My wife’s on holiday just south of London’ ~ ‘Surrey?’ ~ ‘I SAID, MY WIFE’S ON HOLIDAY JUST SOUTH OF LONDON!’

‘My wife’s gone to South America’ ~ ‘Chile?’ ~ ‘No, it’s very hot there at the moment’

‘My wife sent me for a sex change operation in Montevideo’ ~ ‘Uruguay?’ ~ ‘Not any more’

‘My wife went to Malawi’ ~ ‘Lilongwe?’ ~ ‘Yes, thousands of miles’

‘My wife was attacked by an animal in Malaysia’ ~ ‘Kuala Lumpur?’ ~ ‘No, a dingo bit her’

‘My wife would love to go on safari in Africa’ ~ ‘Kenya?’ ~ ‘No, we can’t afford it’

‘My wife’s holidaying in northern Benin’ ~ ‘Djougou?’ ~ ‘No, I stayed at home’

‘My wife had her portrait done in Sudan’ ~ ‘Khartoum?’ ~ ‘No, actually it was quite a good likeness’

‘My wife went to Morocco and bought a new cooker’ ~ ‘Agadir?’ ~ ‘No, it was quite cheap’

‘My wife went to a music concert in South Korea’ ~ ‘Seoul?’ ~ ‘No, it was R&B’

‘My wife went to a casino in the Himalayas’ ~ ‘Tibet?’ ~ ‘Yes, of course, why else would she go?’

‘My wife’s booked a luxury holiday in India’ ~ ‘Mumbai?’ ~ ‘No, her Dad paid for it’

‘My wife bought some crockery in Peking’ ~ ‘China?’ ~ ‘No, Royal Doulton’

‘My wife’s gone to Jordan’ ~ ‘Amman?’ ~ ‘No, she’s just got big hands, but you’re not the first to ask’

‘My wife’s relation has been to the South of France’ ~ ‘Nice?’ ~ ‘No, her Nephew’

‘My wife misses me constantly’ ~ ‘Working away?’ ~ ‘No, I’ve learnt to dodge’

‘My wife bought a house in Sweden’ ~ ‘Stockholm?’ ~ ‘No, it was custom-built’

‘My wife was robbed in Western Australia’ ~ ‘Perth?’ ~ ‘No, they took her pathport & driving lithenth’


 

 

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Cracker Jokes!

I thought I’d round off the year with a few appalling cracker jokes …

Cracker JokesWho’s the bane of Santa’s life? ~ The elf and safety officer

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? ~ He got 25 days

What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave? ~ He gives them the sack

Where does Father Christmas go to recover after Christmas? ~ An elf farm

What did Santa say to the smoker? ~ Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? ~ It’s Christmas, Eve

What is the best Christmas present in the world? ~ A broken drum, you just can’t beat it

What did the cat get while crossing the desert at Christmas? ~ Sandy claws

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the New Year’s Eve party? ~ Because he had no body to go with

When is a boat like a pile of snow? ~ When it’s adrift

What’s an underground train full of professors called? ~ A tube of Smarties (probably only works in UK English)

What type of room has no windows or doors? ~ A mushroom

Why don’t robots have brothers? ~ Because they only have trans-sisters

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? ~ Dam

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time? ~ One day my prints will come

What do you call two happy mushrooms? ~ Fun guys

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? ~ Three: the left ear, the right ear & the final front ear

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory? ~ Because he couldn’t concentrate

What has four legs and goes ‘Boo’? ~ A cow with a cold

Why did the atheist cross the road? ~ So he could see both sides

What do you give a dog for Christmas? ~ A mobile bone

How did the beaver get online? ~ He logged on

Why do birds fly south in winter? ~ Because it’s too far to walk

What do you give to a man who has everything? ~ Antibiotics

Who invented fractions? ~ Henry the 1/8th

What do you call two robbers? ~ A pair of knickers

Where are the Andes? ~ On the end of your armies

What do toilets and anniversaries have in common? ~ Men always miss them

Why can’t a bike stand up by itself? ~ Because it’s two-tired

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? ~ A nervous wreck

What is black and white and noisy? ~ A zebra with a drum kit

What do witches use to wrap their presents? ~ Spello-tape

What do you call a train loaded with toffee? ~ A chew chew train

Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers? ~ In case he got a hole in one

What’s grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow? ~ An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth

What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? ~ Freeze a jolly good fellow

What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? ~ Nacho Cheese

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bedside clock? ~ An alarm cluck

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch? ~ Because the referee whistled for a fowl

Why is Europe like a frying pan? ~ Because it has Greece at the bottom

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? ~ A mince spy

Why don’t penguins fly? ~ Because they’re not tall enough to be pilots

There were two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said: ‘Can you smell carrots?’

Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch? ~ Because he was the skipper

How did the Vikings send secret messages? ~ By Norse code

What kind of lighting did Noah use on the ark? ~ Floodlights

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? ~ Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot

What’s the slogan for the Eskimo lottery? ~ You’ve got to be Inuit to win you it

How do monkeys make toast? ~ Stick some bread under a gorilla

How do you hire an elephant? ~ Stand it on four bricks

Why was Cinderella thrown off the team? ~ Because she ran away from the ball

What sits on the beach and cackles? ~ A sand witch

Which cheese is made backwards? ~ Edam…

What would you get if all the cars in Britain were red? ~ A red carnation

What’s brown and creeps around the house? ~ Mince spies

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party? ~ He had no body to go with

What did one lift say to the other? ~ I think I’m coming down with something

And, lastly, one of my favourites…

What’s ET short for? ~ Because he’s only got little legs

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Doctor, Doctor…

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bell!’

‘Take these pills and if they don’t help give me a ring!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a spoon!’

‘Sit over there then and don’t stir!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing double!’

‘Please sit on that couch.’

‘Which one?’



‘Doctor, Doctor, every time I see 50p & 20p coins I have a panic attack; what’s the matter with me?’

‘You’re just afraid of change.’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I’m going to die in 51 seconds!’

‘I’ll be with you in a minute!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing into the future!’

‘When did this first happen?’

‘Next Thursday!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter’

‘Sorry, I don’t follow you’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing a spinning insect!’

‘Don’t worry; it’s just a bug that’s going around!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I’ve swallowed some small pens and a strainer!’

‘Don’t worry, you’re just a little pen sieve!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a goat!’

‘How long have you felt like this?’

‘Since I was a kid!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’

‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome’

‘Is it common?’

‘Well, It’s Not Unusual’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!’

‘Pull yourself together!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, everyone thinks I’m a liar!’

‘I find that very hard to believe!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep getting a pain in the eye when I drink coffee!’

‘Have you tried taking the spoon out?’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a king!’

‘What’s your name?’

‘Joe.’

‘You must be Joe King!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, please, can you help me out?’

‘Of course; which way did you come in?’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a £10 note!’

‘Well go and buy something; the change will do you good!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I’ve got wind, can you give me something for it?’

‘Yes; here’s a kite!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I tend to flush a lot!’

‘Don’t worry it’s just a chain reaction!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I have a strawberry on my head!’

‘I’ll give you some cream for that!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bee!’

‘Well buzz off, I’m busy!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I need glasses!’

‘You certainly do Sir; this is a fish and chip shop!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m suffering from Déjà Vu!’

‘Didn’t I see you yesterday?’



‘Doctor, Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?

‘Stick your foot out and trip it up!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.’

‘I’ll deal with you later!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?’

‘I never make rash promises!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, can I have second opinion?’

‘Of course, come back tomorrow!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?’

‘Use a pencil until I get there!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I’m boiling up!’

‘Just simmer down!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m an adder!’

‘Great, you can help me with my accounts!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep painting myself gold!’

‘Don’t worry; it’s just a gilt complex!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a biscuit!’

‘What, you mean those square ones?’

‘Yes!’

‘The ones you put butter on?’

‘Yes!’

‘Ah, you’re crackers!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a frog!’

‘What’s wrong with that?‘

‘I think I’m going to croak!‘



‘Doctor, Doctor, how can I cure my sleep walking?’

‘Sprinkle drawing pins on your bedroom floor!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, my sister thinks she’s a lift!’

‘Well tell her to come in’

‘I can’t, she doesn’t stop at this floor!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me!’

‘Next please!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tepee and other days I feel like a wigwam!’

‘Just calm down, you’re two tents!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog!’

‘Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.’

‘But I’m not allowed on the couch!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I have a split personality!’

‘Well, you’d better both sit down!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a vampire!’

‘Necks please!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a nit!’

‘Not you again, how am I to get you out of my hair!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, you’ve taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don’t feel well!’

‘That’s quite enough out of you!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, my husband smells like a fish!’

‘Poor sole!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a burglar!’

‘Have you taken anything for it?’



‘Doctor, Doctor, my baby looks just like his father!’

‘Never mind, just as long as he’s healthy!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a moth!’

‘Don’t worry; you’re just a bit light headed!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I’ve lost my memory!’

‘When did this happen?’

‘When did what happen?’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a rubber band!’

‘Just stretch yourself out on the couch and tell me all about it!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a dog!’

‘Sit!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I’m having trouble with my breathing!’

‘We’ll soon put a stop to that!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, what did the x-ray of my head show?’

‘Absolutely nothing!’



Patient: ‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel so tired, I don’t know where I am half the time!’

Dentist: ‘Open wide now!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?’

‘Yes, of course…’

‘Great! I never could before!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a needle!’

‘I see your point!’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I’m wearing Clingfilm for shorts’

‘Well, I can clearly see your nuts’



‘Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a woman who delivers babies!’

‘You’re just going through a midwife crisis’



‘Doctor, Doctor, every time I stand up quickly I see Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck’

‘Don’t worry; you’re just having a Disney spell’



‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bridge!’

‘Oh dear, what’s come over you?’

‘Two cars, a large truck and a coach!’


 



 

 

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A man walks into a bar…

Fairly short ones…

A man walks into a bar…A man walks into a bar with jump cables. The bartender says “You can come in, but don’t start anything!”

Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks…

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. “What do you call him?” asks the bartender. “I call him Tiny, because he’s my newt!”

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Give me a beer, and a mop.”

A soccer ball walks into a bar; the bartender kicks him out.

A baseball walks into a bar; the bartender throws him out.

A man walks into a bar and says “Ouch.”

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says “Can I help you?” The duck says “Yes, you can get this man off my butt!”

A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says “Want to hear a good joke?” The corn stalk says “I’m all ears!”

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The bartender says “I’m not serving you; you’re out of your skull!”

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What is this, a joke?”

or…

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rabbit “What will you have?” The rabbit says “I don’t know, I’m only here because of autocorrect.”

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks for a beer. “I can’t serve you.” says the bartender “You’re Bard!”

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks “What can I get you?” The goldfish says “Water.”

A dolphin walks into a bar. The bartender ignores it on porpoise.

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Give me a beer and put it on my bill.”

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says “In all the time I’ve been tending bars, I’ve never served a weasel. What can I get you?” “Pop” goes the weasel.

A pterodactyl walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Ptwo ptequilas, pthanks.”

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks “Would you like a beer?” Descartes replies “I think not” and disappears.

A bear walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a beer………………………..and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says “Why the big pause?”

A baby seal walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” asks the bartender. “Anything but a Canadian Club” replies the seal…

Ironically, a baby seal walks into a club.

A horse walks into a bar. It earns a four fault penalty.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “So, why the long face?”

A warhorse walks into a bar. The bartender says “So, why the long film?”

A Norse walks into a bar. The bartender says “So, why the long boat?”

The Eiger walks into a bar. The bartender says “So, why the North Face?”

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a bar. He looks around and announces “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”

A Scotsman walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear. He says to the bartender “What’s this, a boot?”

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a ‘double entendre’. So the bartender gave her one…

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks “Do I come here often?”

A man walks into a bar… and fails to win the International Limbo Championships.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

A blind man walks into a bar…

A ventriloquist walks into a gar…

An untalented gymnast walks into a bar…

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks “Olive or twist?”

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar…

C, E flat and G walk into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, no minors.”

A Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here!”

A man walks into a bar and says “C a n I h a v e a p i n t p l e a s e ?” The bartender replies “Are you okay? You sound a bit spaced out.”

A pedant walks into a tavern, because of course ‘bar’ means the serving counter rather than the establishment itself. He drinks alone.

A man walks into a bar and orders 15 litres of wine. The bartender asks if he brought a container. He replies; “You’re speaking to it.”

A man walks into a bar and requests a large glass of prune juice. The bartender asks “Is that to go?”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says “A beer please, and one for the road.”

A bar of gold walks into a bar, a bar of silver turns around and says, “AU, get out of here!”

A man walks into a bar in Trinidad and the bartender says “If you’re here about the limbo dancer job you’ve just failed.”

A meme walks into a bar. The barman says “Drinks for everyone?” The meme asks why and the barman replies “Because you’re getting around.”

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

The bartender says “We don’t serve time travellers here.” A time traveller walks into a bar.

Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, he says “Damn, I forgot to feed the dog.”

The Sahara walks into a bar. The bartender says “Long time, no sea.”

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and asks for five beers.

A cowboy walks into a bar wearing paper clothes. The bartender asks him what he’s doing and the cowboy replies “Rustling…”

A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bartender here?”

Medium sized ones…

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse serving drinks. The horse says “What are you staring at? Have you never seen a horse serving drinks?” The man says “No, I just didn’t think parrot would sell the bar.”

A grasshopper hops in to a bar. The bartender says “You’re quite a celebrity here; we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun at the bus stop. He goes up to her and punches her in face. She falls down and he screams “Not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

Two yoghurts walk into a bar. “We don’t serve your kind in here” says the bartender. A yoghurt asks “Why not, we’re cultured.”

Dr Watson was in a bar, it was past closing time and he was a bit drunk. “Come on” said the barman “Haven’t you got Holmes to go to?”

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his trousers. The bartender asks “Isn’t that uncomfortable?” The pirate responds “Aarrrr, its driving me nuts.”

A Roman centurion walked into a bar and asked for a martinus. The bartender said; “Don’t you mean a martini?” The centurion replied; “If I’d wanted a double I would have asked!”

A saw and a hammer go into a bar and some other tools join them; the saw turns to the hammer and says “You know the drill, don’t you?”

A pig walks into a bar orders ten beers. When he’s finished, the bartender asks “Don’t you need the toilet?” The pig says “No, I go wee wee wee all the way home.”

A penguin waddles into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender asks “I don’t know, what does he look like?”

Very slightly longer ones…

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a woman and a dog. The man asks “Does your dog bite?” The woman answers “Never!” The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The woman replies “He doesn’t. This isn’t my dog.”

A man walks into a bar holding an alligator. He asks the bartender “Do you serve lawyers here?” The bartender says “Yes, we do!” “Good,” replies the man “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”

A blind man walks into a bar with a guide dog. When he reaches the centre of the room, he picks the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around. The bartender says “Hey, what the hell are you doing?” The blind man says “Just having a look around…”

A pony walks into a bar and coughs “Hi, COUGH. Give me a bu COUGH, a beer COUGH.” The bartender serves him and says “What’s the matter with your voice?” The pony says “Nothing, I’m just a little hoarse.”

A man walks into a bar and notices big lumps of meat hanging from the ceiling. He says to the bartender “Why have you got all this meat hanging around?” The barman says “It’s a little bet that we’re running. If you can jump up and grab a piece of meat in your mouth then you get all of your drinks bought for you, but if you fail you have to buy everyone else in the bar their drinks for them. Do you want to try it?” The man shakes his head and says “No, the steaks are too high.”

A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says “That’ll be £2.50.” The leprechaun puts two pound coins on the bar and starts walking away. The bartender shouts “You’re a little short!”

A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind.” The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says “Weren’t you just in here?” The rope replies “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

A very small man walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a huge rough looking man walks into the bar and also slips on the vomit. The small man says “I just did that” and gets punched in the face.

A kangaroo hops into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “That’ll be £10. We don’t get many kangaroos coming in here, you know.” The kangaroo says “At £10 a beer, it’s not surprising.”

A bird walks into a bar and asks the barman “Got any bread?”
The barman says “No.”
“Got any bread?” “No.”
“Got any bread?” “No.”
“Got any bread?” “No, and if you keep asking I’ll nail your beak to the bar.”
“Got any nails?” “No.”
“Got any bread?”

A man walks into a bar and from a bowl of peanuts hears a voice say “I think you look great.” Then he hears the cigarette machine say “I have never seen such an ugly face.” He tells the bartender, who replies “The bowl of peanuts was complimentary, but the cigarette machine is just out of order.”

An Indian, a Frenchman, a Swede, a Brazilian, an Australian, a Chinaman, a German, an American, a Canadian, an Italian, a South African, a Scotsman, a Dane, an Argentinian, a Nigerian and a Russian walked into a bar. But the barman said; “You can’t come in here without a Thai”

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. He notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says “Would you like a pint?” Vincent replies “No, thanks, I’ve got one ear.”

A scientist walks into a bar…

A microbiologist walks into a bar and asks for a small one.

A geneticist walks into a bar to buy a drink and says to the bartender; “I think I have some change in my jeans.”

A climate change scientist walks into a bar and says; “Where’s the ice?”

A seismologist walks into a bar and asks for their drink to be shaken and not stirred.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Give me ten times the number of drinks everybody in here is drinking.” The bartender replies; “Now that is an order of magnitude.”

f(x)=2x+1 walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender replies; “I’m sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”

A man walks into A::f() and asks for a drink. The bartender replies; “I’m sorry, this is a private function.”

Two robots walk into a bar. The third one had a better steering program.

A blowfly walks into a bar and says to the bartender; “Is that stool taken?”

An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says; “We don’t serve your kind in here.” It replies; “Well, you’re not a very good host.”

A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender yells; “Get out!” It leaves without putting up any resistance.

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says; “Get out, we don’t allow noble gases in here!” Argon doesn’t react.

A neutrino passes through a bar.

A planetologist walks into a bar and chats to Vastitas Borealis; “Long time, no sea.”

Schrödinger walks into a bar with a box, which is searched; “Did you know there’s a dead cat in here?” He replies; “Well, now I do!”

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. Or doesn’t.

An electron and a positron go into a bar.
Positron: “You’re round.”
Electron: “Are you sure?”
Positron: “I’m positive.”

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first says, “Yes, I’m positive…”

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”.

Two chemists walk into a bar. One orders H2O. The other says “I’ll have H2O too.” The second one dies.

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Elephant Jokes

Something I Tweeted recently reminded me of the elephant jokes that were popular in the 1960s:

How many elephants can you get in a Mini?

Four; two in the front and two in the back.

How many giraffes can you get in a Mini?

None; it’s already full of elephants.

How do you know if you have an elephant in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are two elephants in your refrigerator?

You can hear giggling when the light goes out.

How do you know if there are three elephants in your refrigerator?

You can’t close the door.

How do you know if there are four elephants in your refrigerator?

There’s an empty Mini parked outside.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

To hide in cherry trees.

How do you get an elephant out of a tree?

Stand it on a leaf and wait until autumn.

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, you get down from a duck.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Five o’clock. Trick question

Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?

Because if it was small, white and hard it would be an aspirin.

Why are elephants grey?

So you can tell them apart from plums.

How do you make an elephant float?

Two scoops of ice cream, an elephant and lemonade.

Why do elephants have Big Ears?

Because Noddy won’t pay the ransom.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

You take away its credit card.

Actually, this is a new one on me; I didn’t come across credit cards until my first Access card in 1973.

Why do elephants wear trainers?

To creep up on mice.

Why do elephants wear green trainers?

To hide in the tall grass.

Why do elephants wear red trainers?

Because their green ones are in the laundry.

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?

So they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

What’s yellow and dangerous?

Shark infested custard.

Oh, sorry, gone off message a bit.

:^)

 

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Daft stuff; humour, jokes, quips and gags

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Asinine aphorisms

Tinkering with puns, oronyms, homonyms, heterographs and homophones, well, something like that:

Cold toast; butter late than never.

Plain English guide; clarity begins a tome.

Pick up a music book; raise the volume.

Rugby; know pain, know game.

Erectile dysfunction proverb; all’s swell that ends swell.

Ore on hymns, hoe mown hims, hater owe grafts and home of phones:

To wear is you man, two four give deep vine.

Eerily tube head and hurling two rice mixer man wail the unwise.

Love of moon knees the route of fall weevil.

Therefore oarsmen have the poxy lips.

Pea pulling lass how says shoe dent thrust owns.

Ape plays four a very thin, hand eave hairy thinning hits plaice.

May bee hits called enough two freezer balls offer brass monk quay, butt theirs nope lace like comb.

If you can’t stand the hate get art of the cute chin.

At ten shone deaf is sit high pair active ET dis-sword her.

A pitcher is worth a throw sand-wards.

A leotard cannot change its spots.

Likeable Ena China Shop.

Learn to talk before you pun.

Many hands make plight worse.

A stick in thyme says mine.

Make a slick pose out of a Scouse seer.

Merry in haste; relentless pleasure.

Money Hans makes lie to work.

Banging your ted against a brick wall.

North thing dentured, north thing grained.

Look beef; all you’ll heap.

Anna play day keeps the dock tray way.

Nose mock without fear.

Won man’s meat is an udder man spy son.

An unrelated reminder; Friar Tuck doesn’t like spoonerisms and (according to @VenusDeMileage) neither does Betty Swollocks.

The first rule of Homophone Club is: ‘Yew do knot torque about Homophone Club.’

 

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Small selection of short jokes

My dog, Minton, ate some shuttlecocks the other day. Bad Minton.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Two chickens are sitting by the side of the road. One says to the other: “Are you going to cross then?”  “No,” he says,“we’ll never hear the end of it.”

I walked by the fridge last night, thought I heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song, when I opened the door it was just chives talkin.

There are two billiard balls in a pub. One says to the other: “You’re round.”

What do you call a pig with three eyes? A piiig!

How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot…

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino…

How do you make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

“What are you doing in that wardrobe?” ~ “Narnia business!”

I love the way the Earth rotates; it really makes my day.

Can February March? No, but April May.

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

What do you call a camel with three humps?  Humphrey…

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

There are two monkeys getting into the bath. One says: “Ooh ooh ah ah ah ah!” The other says: “Well put some cold in then!”

Two fish swim into a wall. One turns to the other and says: “Dam”.

There are two eggs in a frying pan. One says: “Aaagh! It’s really hot in here!” The other says: “Aaagh! A talking egg!”

There are two hats are on a hat stand. One says to the other “You stay here and I’ll go on a head”.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp? A: A bear faced lyre.

What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school?…“Bison”.

A man goes into a library and says “Fish and chips please”. “This is a library!” said the librarian. So the man whispers back “Sorry, fish and chips please”.

In France they love rabbit puns; apparently they’re lapin it up.

I was thinking about word play on video-games, but no pun Nintendo’d.

I’ve stopped gluing Formica to mdf board; it was counterproductive.

I was going to do a pun about a sick bird, but it’s ill eagle.

I have a great pun about a cow that fell off a tall building; it’s ledge end dairy.

Might buy the book ‘How to Make a Tornado’ by New Scientist; I’m hoping there will be a good twist at the end.

Do you know how duvets are insulated? They’re down loaded.

An owl fell in love with two comedians and had two wits to woo.

The capacitor kissed the diode, because he just couldn’t resistor.

The new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

I tried to eat my watch, but it was too time consuming.

A new scientific study has revealed that if your parents didn’t have children, neither will you.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

What’s loud and sounds like apples? APPLES!

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey.

What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.

What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop? Shoe!

The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms.

How does a lion like his meat? ROAR!

I intended making a John F Kennedy jelly mould today, but I didn’t want to set a president.

What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

I once had a make shift job at a computer keyboard factory.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shitzhu.

I used to fix computers, but IT’s all behind me now.

Due to indigestion, I’m having a little whine with this cheese.

Small boats are very vulnerable to pier pressure.

I intended to have a clock for lunch, but it was too time consuming.

Successful jewel thieves usually have a good ring leader.

Always be kind to your dentist; they have fillings too.

My singing partner couldn’t make it last night; I had to duet alone.

I once got stuck in a glue factory.

I watched a TV drama yesterday about a house with a tiny garden; there wasn’t much of a plot.

A noun and a verb were seeing each other, but they split up because the noun was too possessive.

I took up fencing once, but I couldn’t see the point.

Why is a good book called a page turner: surely that’s the minimum requirement of any book?

Telepath wanted; you know where to apply.

A tomato family went for a walk. The youngest tomato lagged behind, so the others went back, squashed it, and shouted “Ketchup!”

It’s an old one, but have you all seen the Christmas alphabet? ► ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

I imagine snooker players never get tired of receiving potted plants at Christmas.

#PhotoTip
Don’t stand too close to other people in group photos; it makes it easier to crop them out later.

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks “Euripides?” The professor replies “Yes. Eumenides?”

What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

I wrote a theatrical performance about puns; it was a play on words.

I saw a policewoman using a taser recently; she was stunning.

No one knew my friend had dentures until it came out in conversation.

I’m trying to eat more greens, so I’m now on a new dye it.

I tried wearing a Malaysian dress, but it was sarong size.

Sometimes, from time to time, every so often, occasionally, now and then, once in a while, I wish I’d not been given this thesaurus.

What did the zero say to the number eight? “Nice belt.”

Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.

Two cows standing in a field, one says “Moooooooo”, the other says “Damn it, I was going to say that!”

Cat pilot: “If the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. Please bat them with your paws.”

Give a hungry man a GCSE Science textbook and he will eat Faraday.

If at first you don’t succeed, try at least two more times, so that your failure is statistically significant.

Rory McIlroy is getting new golf shoes, because he had a hole in one.

Okay, time for a quick pole: North or South?

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.

What’s the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.

A farmer asked his new farm hand if he’d shoed a horse before. The farm hand replies “No, but I once told a donkey to piss off”.

What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Identical middle names.

When the wheel was invented it caused a revolution.

What do an eagle and a mole have in common? They both live underground. Except for the eagle.

According to the Automobile Association, the A3 and A4 are both stationery.

I really can’t speak highly enough about helium balloons.

I play a fluorescent triangle really well. I apologise for the gloating.

What’s the difference between a cat and a compound sentence? One has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause.

Why wouldn’t the prawn share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.

Before I met my wife I was single by choice. Unfortunately not by my choice.

Who does a Pharaoh talk to when he’s upset? His mummy.

Did Pharaohs like wrap music?

What do you do with a sick ship? Take it to the docks.

Cinderella was a keen soccer player, but she was kicked off the team because she ran away from the ball.

I was the first person to install trampolines in musician’s tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.

All owl puns are terrible; says who?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

A kitchen explosion in France would result in linoleum blown apart.

You’re stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

I used to break into song because I couldn’t find the key.

#SpellingRule
I before E, except after C… and also when you heinously seize your weird foreign neighbour’s feisty beige heifer

How do you spot a Finnish extrovert? They look at somebody else’s shoes.

Archaeologists are in a legal battle about how they can get to a Bronze Age village, but they expect reach a settlement.

When I’m watching a film, I usually eat popcorn, but if it’s a horror film, ice cream.

The grass may be greener on the other side, but at least you don’t have to mow it.

My life is an open book, but it’s badly written and I die at the end.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

Escalators don’t break down; they just turn into stairs.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.

The wifi went down during our family dinner tonight, someone started talking and I’ve no idea who they are.

I just bought a thesaurus, but when I opened it all the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

One day it’s the best thing since sliced bread, the next, it’s toast.

True friendship is when you walk into someones house and your wifi connects automatically.

I had a Wookie steak in a restaurant last night; it was a little Chewy.

Maths teachers call retirement the aftermath.

What do you call Dracula when he has hayfever? The pollen Count.

A golf ball is a golf ball no matter how you putt it.

Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless grapes?

Hell is wallpapered with all our deleted selfies.

Nothing ruins Friday more than realising that today is Tuesday.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Someone ripped pages from both ends of my dictionary; it just goes from Bad to Worse.

My mother just found out that I’ve replaced her bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

Some people think I’m addicted to somersaults, but that’s just how I roll.

I’ve just broken a window, but I felt no pane.

The debate about unmanned aircraft just keeps droning on.

When cave men got together they formed clubs.

When the queen starts a new hive, bees have a house swarming party.

Tall people sleep longer in bed.

My leaf blower doesn’t work; it sucks.

A couple started to drift apart after they bought a water bed.

A paediatrician is usually a doctor with very little patients.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Children can play hopscotch almost anywhere, but my drive is where I draw the line.

When the cannibal arrived late for the celebration meal, they gave him the cold shoulder.

Turtles think frogs are homeless.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

If you expect the unexpected, doesn’t that make the unexpected the expected?

After waiting ages for the bowling alley to open, we finally got the ball rolling.

Peter Pan is useless at throwing punches; they Neverland.

If you press the lift button at least three times it goes into urgent mode and arrives much faster…

Who said nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.

Everywhere is in walking distance, if you have the time.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

I refused to believe my father was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.

Everyone seems normal, until you get to know them…

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Music makes every day better. Especially if you turn it up loud enough to drown out everyone around you.

Is it right that only one company makes the board game Monopoly?

Yesterday I fell from a 10 metre ladder; fortunately I was on the second step.

There are days when I feel so old that, when I was a child, rainbows were in black and white.

I’ve decided to put something aside for a rainy day. It’s an umbrella.

A police officer who arrested a judge dressed like a convict for a costume party had never learned to book a judge by their cover.

A bow and quiver are both required for archery, but they are also instructions for what to do if someone aims at you.

The correct way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to annoy you.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a hell of a lot easier than putting it back in.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Black widow spiders kill their males after mating just to avoid the snoring.

My new electric garden trimmers are cutting-hedge technology.

 

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