Even More MumblingNerd Stuff

 

Even more of my previously unpublished Twitter posts and daft comments:

I’m not getting on very well with this keyboard; it’s just not my type.

I only asked for a leg of lamb from our butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.

While I was waiting at the airport recently I heard a Scottish dating advert; “Free Wife, Aye”

I’m feeling rubbish today; this always happens when I put the trash out.

An Australian friend asked me if I thought his bad eye would see better with glasses, so I said ‘Good eye might’.

I should’ve picked the cactus up with my left hand, now I feel a right prick.

I used to rest on my laurels, but then I had them cut down and a fence put up.

Does the phrase; ‘two daft male cattle’ contain more than one silly bull?

I’d always wanted to win a pastry throwing competition, but it was just pie in the sky.

I have more silent drum kits than you can shake a stick at… ah, just realised where I’m going wrong.

I have a yen to visit Tokyo.

LMAO… damn, now where am I going to sit?

The jockey who is always first past the post must be the reining champion.

Blood is thicker than water, although that’s irrelevant even when mixing fruit cordials for relatives.

The writing is on the wall for graffiti.

I’ve been involved in a dispute about sharpening tree felling tools, but then I did have an axe to grind.

Horse meat was once sold in a lot of British butcher shops, but they were flogging a dead horse.

I’ve been burning the candle at both ends and now I’m at my wicks end.

I’m so angry after being hit in the face by a fake Chinese vase; I’m faux Ming at the mouth.

I had a dream about two countries ruled by pets; it was reigning cats and dogs.

William Tell’s son was the apple of his eye.

I started to look out the window to see what the weather was up to, but decided to give it a rain check.

Pheasants, turkeys, geese, partridges, chickens and ducks; a decidedly poultry list composed entirely of fowl language.

I’m absolutely and utterly infatuated and totally LOVE hyperbole!

If you’re responsible for ripping a dollar in half then don’t pass the buck.

If Egyptians renounced the use of ketchup, would that be the sauce of denial?

I managed to buy twelve rare collectable postcards for only 10 US cents, but then found out they were a dime a dozen.

I can’t decide if I like this variable temperature hair dryer; I’m blowing hot and cold.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless the two in the bush are sought after by collectors.

A friend of ours works as a hairdresser for the police, but it wasn’t his first brush with the law.

Went to get food at a takeaway, but changed my mind because the owner had a chip on his shoulder.

Milliners are very irritable; they can get angry at the drop of a hat.

My work is piling up because of this tree trunk on my shoulders, although it’s only a small back log.

I never thought I’d determine what this gateau is; but it turned out to be a piece of cake.

I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. I’m trapped in a tiny gap next to the wall.

If a priest kept making the sign of the cross at a fancy dress party, would it be a blessing in disguise?

Avoid tabloid journalists; hack shuns speak louder than words.

I tried backing up my PC, but I had to stop when I got to the wall.

Is there any truth in the old saying “Absinthe makes the fart grow longer”?

Amputations cost an arm and a leg these days.

The vet suggested I try the carrot and stick approach with our cat, but sellotape won’t stick to the carrot, or the cat…

Using chopsticks on rice goes against the grain.

If doctor’s self medicate, do they get a taste of their own medicine?

Don’t worry about ferry crossings; we’re all in the same boat.

Take some proper topiary lessons and stop beating about the bush.

A fool and his money are easily parted; that’s why so many clowns fall for email scams.

Eco friendly computers can be constructed from the outer layers of tree trunks, but they turn out to be all bark and no byte.

Chocolate’s a good thing isn’t it? So how come you can have too much of a good thing?

Is YO! Sushi the derivation of the phrase ‘what goes around, comes around’?

‘The ability of one compound to dissolve in another compound’ ~ Surely there has to be a solution here?

Don’t repair timepieces; you’ll always be working against the clock.

The sponge is good, but the frosting is the icing on the cake.

If wind is gusting, when it ceases, is it disgusting?

Presumably McDonald’s car park ‘Reverse with care’ notice is a back-up sign?

British Waterways are encouraging canal users to change their locks regularly.

I bumped into our local Domino’s Pizza recently; if it had fallen down, would it have taken all the other Domino’s with it?

I’ve been online for hours today; so now all the washing is hanging up to dry I can get back to the internet.

My blog has a new ‘subscriber’; he’s a calligrapher and he paints signs on submarines.

I owned an abacus when I was an art student; I was part of the counter-culture.

I used to mix up ‘follicular’ and ‘funicular’, which led to some very hairy train rides.

In a recent poll 1 in 10 single men would rather have an iPad than a new partner; gives a whole new meaning to “Coming back to my pad?”

Queen Elizabeth was in Wales on the ‘second leg’ of her Diamond Jubilee tour; presumably the ‘third leg’ was the Isle of Man?

I think river valleys are gorgeous.

I’ve always been interested in the history of millinery, but it’s a bit old hat now.

I had to sell all the rabbits and pheasants, because I didn’t want to give the game away.

I’d like the sun to return, but fog will never be mist.

I drove to the supermarket with a tiny carrot; I was in such a hurry I had to take the shortest root.

I’m supercilious today; that’s like normal cilious, but I’m also wearing a cape.

Apparently the Dalai Lama is not actually a Llama.

I did a roll call in the kitchen this morning, but as none replied I had sliced wholemeal.

I’ve been checking out those ‘100 Things To Do Before You Die’ lists and not one of them has “Shout for help”.

People say love is blind, but I can’t see it myself.

The trouble with masturbation jokes is that they can rub people up the wrong way.

Oceanographers don’t like to be tide up.

Edward Scissorhands wore contact lenses; he should have gone to Specsavers.

Doughnuts are very good for you; as long as you eat the hole thing.

Reading the dictionary is tiring; by the time you reach the end it’s zzzzzzz…

Is ketchup like spring water; bottled at sauce?

Whenever I update my iPhone I get that terrible syncing feeling.

If my punning is worse as I get older; does that mean I’ve groan-up?

I was explaining something to someone when they said “I’ll take your word for it” so I’ve had them charged with plagiarism.

I’ve been obsessing over a broken handle today; I need to get a grip.

If I had an irrational fear of bridges, how would I get over it?

I saw someone tearing off a newspaper coupon today; I wish they’d cut it out.

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A bigger selection of short jokes and word play

 

Well, I have to put them somewhere.

 

A couple of the jokes are repeated elsewhere in this blog, but they still make me laugh, so I’ve left them in :^)

 

A bigger selection of short jokes and word playI couldn’t for the life of me remember how you throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

Question of the day: what’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

Come to the nerd side; we have pi

Just driven past a minor, but costly looking accident, now I know how a Mercedes bends.

My pencil keeps breaking every time I sharpen it, I’m giving up now, it’s pointless.

A vandalised Chinese restaurant was an act of wonton destruction.

Apparently it’s illegal to have indentured servants, so I’ve had to confiscate the butler’s false teeth.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

Good grief; I looked through a gym window and someone had put a water bottle in the Pringles can holder on a treadmill!

I asked a marine archaeologist if he’d ever found a pirate ship. He said he’d never found a whole one, but he had found pieces of eight.

I can’t cook, because insects have plundered my pantry. My ingredients are in greedy ants.

I can’t resist slapping giggling spiritualists in the face. I do like to strike a happy medium.

I entered the world crowbar championships this year. First prise!

I got off to a bad start with our new cat, so to make things right I had start from scratch.

I just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I have a nap.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon; I’ll let you know.

I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

I’m a light eater; as soon as it gets light I start eating.

I’ve been banned from our local hardware store for stealing kitchen utensils, but that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

I’ve been fired from my job at the zoo for lining up all the animals in order of height. Apparently they didn’t like me critter sizing the zoo.

I’ve just been to our local goose showroom; I only went for a gander.

If aristocrats have difficulty walking, do they get nobility scooters?

If you travel by ghost train, watch out for the ticketing spectre.

My friend gets quite violent if you give him sponge, jelly, fruit and cream for dessert. He’s not to be trifled with.

My wife and I are always laughing about how competitive we are. I laugh more though.

My wife went to a well woman clinic. It was okay, but didn’t like being winched in a bucket.

Penultimate is my last but one favourite word.

Quicksand always gives me a sinking feeling.

The counterfeiters knew the police were onto them but they decided to forge ahead anyway.

The first rule of Homophone Club is: ‘Yew dew knot torque a boat Homophone Club.’

The local council offered me a refuse bin; I said no.

When spring finally came the excited farmer wet his plants.

You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

A friend’s dog managed to swallow a few coins; he’s keeping his eye on it, but says there’s no change yet.

I always wanted to learn how to juggle, but I just don’t have the balls to do it.

It’s hard to beat a boiled egg in the morning.

I’ve just torn up a note pad and wrapped it around my stomach; it was a waist of paper.

I’ve been trying to push the envelope at work, but it’s still stationery.

I’m okay now, but when my hair first started to turn grey I thought I’d dye.

What do expensive muesli and a 13amp socket have in common? Alternating currants.

A teacher had to go for an eye test because he couldn’t control his pupils.

I think my local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew its seams.

Our old settee felt terrible until recently, but now it’s fully recovered.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

How can you tell when you’ve run out of invisible ink?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I saw a beaver film last night; it was the best dam film I’ve ever seen.

I’ve never been able to bend the truth; I think it’s a lie ability.

Wear short sleeves and support your right to bare arms!

Do you think there are signs at drug rehabilitation centres that say ‘KEEP OFF THE GRASS’?

In some cultures Petri is a shallow circular dish best served at room temperature on a multi-well plate.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hall. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

If you ever get onto a plane and recognise a friend called Jack, don’t shout ‘Hi Jack!’

At our local recycling centre dead batteries can be handed in free of charge.

Houdini was known to have used a lot of trap doors in his act at one time, but he was just going through a stage.

I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

What did the stamp collector say when he was complimented? ‘Philately will get you nowhere’.

Our local butcher was busy serving customers when he backed into his meat slicer; now he’s got a little behind in his work.

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

If cattle had a sense of humour, would they be a laughing stock?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I used to eat doughnuts every single day, but then I got tired of the hole thing.

Grammarians are never late; they’re always very punctual.

Two rights don’t make a wrong; they make an aeroplane.

My inferiority complex isn’t as good as everyone else’s.

A friend told me about an acquaintance who employs a butler with a missing left arm; serves him right.

Question: what is a prisoner’s favourite punctuation mark? Answer: a period, because it’s at the end of a sentence.

I’m not telling my wife I’ve just eaten some glue; my lips are sealed.

The little old lady who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner; there were strings attached.

Abominable: word used to describe an explosive device swallowed by a male bovine.

A stonemason who misspells a word on a gravestone is engrave trouble.

Most rocks have been around for a long time, but we shouldn’t take them for granite.

Why can’t fishermen be generous? Because their business makes them sell fish.

I went to the record shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said: ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

Two peanuts were walking through a rough neighbourhood and one of them was a salted.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in chocolate sauce; Police think that he topped himself.

How do you make antifreeze? Hide her cardigan.

If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving probably isn’t for you.

Apparently overheard in a United Nations toilet; ‘urination of strange people’.

My grandfather was shrewd; people threw small mammals at him until he suffocated.

To some people, marriage is a word, to others, it’s a sentence.

It’s better to love a short person than not a tall.

My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Smokers are the same as everyone else; just not as long.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Two goldfish were in a tank. One says to the other: ‘How do we drive this thing?’

A man just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might be a heroine dealer.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A friend once dated a very peculiar whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A cannibal ate a missionary and got a taste for religion.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers today, but I couldn’t find any.

A local balloon factory had to close due to inflation, it was quite a blow.

A patient went to see the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The psychiatrist said: ‘Well, I can clearly see your nuts’.

According to Santa’s lawyer, all of his little helpers are subordinate clauses.

Two psychiatrists pass each other; one says hello and the other one wonders what he meant by it.

A tourist had to get an eye test while visiting an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

My pet centipede just died. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised; it was on its last legs.

I bought eight legs of venison for £40; is that two deer?

I was thinking about making a comeback, but I haven’t been anywhere.

Don’t read a pop-up book about giraffes unless you wear glasses.

My genetic insanity is very fit and healthy; it runs in the family.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

Six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy, but only one out of seven is Grumpy.

Think outside the box; it’s too late once you’re in it.

I took the shell off my racing snail to try and speed it up, but it just made it sluggish.

I’m confused; oh hang on, maybe I’m not.

Why can’t you starve in the desert? Because of the sand which is there.

Why did the scientist fit his front door with an old-fashioned knocker? He was a Nobel Prize winner.

5/4ths of people have problems with fractions.

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the motorway; Police have confirmed there will be no congestion for eight hours.

Noah sent Ham, and his descendants mustered and bred in the sand which is in the desert.

What do you call the wife of a hippie? Mississippi.

What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow? Run over.

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To put out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To put out burning ducks.

There are three kinds of people; those who can count and those who can’t.

Borrow money from pessimists; they don’t expect it back.

How can you tell when an economist is lying? Their lips are moving.

The economy is so bad that the Mafia is starting to lay off judges.

Money talks. The trouble is, it only knows one word; goodbye.

Money isn’t everything, but it does keep the children in touch.

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers.

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there.

I have friends who swear they dream in colour but it’s just a pigment of their imagination.

What’s green and smells like yellow paint? Green paint.

Why do ghouls and demons get on so well? Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

Heard about the dating agency for chickens that went bust? Apparently they couldn’t make hens meet.

Two yoghurts walk into a bar. ‘We don’t serve your kind in here’ says the bartender’ A yoghurt asks ‘Why not, we’re cultured’.

Dr Watson was in a bar, it was past closing time and he was a bit drunk. ‘Come on’ said the barman ‘Haven’t you got Holmes to go to?’

A saw and a hammer go into a bar and some other tools join them; the saw turns to the hammer and says ‘You know the drill, don’t you?’

The Italians are installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa; after all, what good is the inclination if you don’t have the time?

Fortune tellers are very easy to buy clothes for; they’re all mediums.

The boy cannibal was expelled from school for buttering up the teacher.

God was tired after making a 24 hour period, so he decided to call it a day.

If you dream that you’re writing The Lord of the Rings, are you just Tolkien in your sleep?

How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.

Some cultures consider swallowing and expelling a fountain pen a write of passage.

What’s the difference between a duck? One leg is both the same.

A man spent his life collecting memorabilia of Wonder Woman, Joan of Arc and Florence Nightingale; apparently he was a heroine addict.

Mary had a little lamb, and then she had some dessert.

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi refused painkillers during his root canal work; he wanted to transcend dental medication.

Police arrested two people, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks; they charged one and let the other one off.

What did one deoxyribonucleic acid say to another? Do these genes make me look fat?

A double negative forms a positive, but apparently there is no language where a double positive is a negative. Yeah, right.

A Pepsi executive has been fired; he tested positive for Coke.

Why are tenors like pirates? Because they’re both murder on the high C’s.

The human cannonball wanted to retire, but the circus owner couldn’t find a replacement of his calibre.

After many attempts a scientist successfully cloned his own genes; he was so thrilled, he was beside himself.

The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s plaster cast.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.

How many tech-support people does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and then on again?

What do you call twin policemen? Copies.

My friend’s ex-wife was deaf and she left him for a deaf friend; to be honest, he should have seen the signs.

Why did the skeleton refuse to go bungee jumping? He didn’t have the guts.

Why did the ram fall over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.

Why don’t oysters give to charity? They’re shellfish.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.

Why couldn’t Count Dracula’s wife sleep? Because of his coffin.

First thing this morning, there was a tap on our door; our plumber has an odd sense of humour.

Why does ‘smiles’ hold the record as the longest word in the dictionary? Because the two ‘s’s are a mile apart.

What do you call a parrot in the rain with an umbrella? Polyunsaturated.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

How does a Dalek keep its skin soft? EXFOLIATE!

Why did the Dalek cross the road? To EXTERMINATE! the chicken.

What did the Spanish fireman call his sons? Jose and Hose B.

One arm butlers; they can take it but they can’t dish it out.

A shoe factory has burnt down; two hundred soles were lost.

A police station toilet has been stolen; officers have nothing to go on.

I used to work at Kwik-Fit, but I gave up the job; every day I was tyred and exhausted.

Postman: ‘Is this letter for you; the name is smudged?’ Man: ‘No, it can’t be for me, my name’s Smith’.

Two elephants walk off a cliff… boom, boom!

Apparently bread is quite dangerous; over 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at maths.

WARNING: Dates on the calendar are closer than they appear.

PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone somewhere might be happy.

‘Dad, can I have another glass of water please? ~ ‘But I’ve given you 10 already!’ ~ ‘Yes, but the bedroom’s still on fire!’

Son: ‘Dad, can I go to the bathroom?’ ~ Dad: ‘MAY I go to the bathroom?’ ~ Son: ‘But I asked first!’

A Vicar and a Buddhist are having toast when an image of Jesus appears in the margarine; the Buddhist says ‘I can’t believe it’s not Buddha’.

Coffee beans were chewed for more than 400 years before the first cup of coffee was brewed; nail biters might want to consider the new business venture possibilities here.

I’m a dyslexic, atheist, insomniac; I stay up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

Never get behind the Devil in a Post Office queue, for the Devil has many forms.

I have all the money that I’ll ever need; as long as I die by 4pm today.

How many dyslexics does it take to light a change bulb?

Change is inevitable; except from vending machines.

With the application of sufficient thrust pigs fly really well.

Thought I’d visit some different stores, but when you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.

The problem with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.

Oh dear, I just let my mind wander, but it hasn’t come back yet.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Everything seemed to be coming my way today, but I was just in the wrong lane.

To err is human; to successfully blame it on someone else shows management potential.

I’ve been revising for a practical exam on pest control; I was up all night swatting.

There’s been a vote to decide on a theory to replace continental drift; plate tectonics won by a land slide.

I’m trying my hand at computer hacking, but I think I need a larger machete.

I have a portable stereo that looks like a large cake; it’s a gateaux blaster.

Pigs don’t like using the telephone when there’s crackling on the line.

A friend of mine was a brick layer before he went to prison; to this day he still isn’t a free mason.

Surely it ought to be possible to achieve at least one giggle out of every ten word plays? No pun in ten did.

 

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For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

 

Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations

More MumblingNerd Stuff

Some more of my previously unpublished Twitter comments and daft stuff:

One of the doctors at our local surgery is getting very angry, he keeps losing his patients.

I’ve been trying to persuade people to become enthusiastic organ donors, but they won’t put their heart into it.

I recently bought some very expensive perfume as a gift; I’ve no common scents.

In our living room the curtains are drawn, but the rest of the furniture is real.

You can now buy lactose free milk if you’re intolerant; if my feet lacked toes I’d be intolerant.

Once when I was camping there was a terrible fire; the heat was in tents.

I just had a great idea for a pencil with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

When you empty cesspits, are you taking the piss?

A bottle of coke just fell out of the fridge onto my foot, it’s a good job it was a soft drink.

My friend’s wedding was very emotional, even the cake was in tiers.

Someone in the geometry lesson had their rubber bands confiscated; they were classed as weapons of math disruption.

I bought some Toulouse sausages today, now I can’t find them; they must have been too easy Toulouse.

My local garden centre won’t swap my old Christmas tree for a bush, but I suppose a fir exchange is no shrubbery.

Our best friend bakes bread, so we’ve signed over the deeds to our house; a friend in knead is a friend in deed.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing; I just tripped over a very small encyclopaedia.

I used far too much water to extinguish two fires, but a man’s got too dowse what a man’s got two dowse.

I fancy hurling a jug onto the beach; surely a pitcher is worth a throw sand-wards.

After much personal abuse, I got hold of an adorable painting of someone’s jaw; if you can’t stand the hate get art of the cute chin.

A yarn about a creepy shop that kept a tally of floors of buildings it sold would be a scary storey score store story. (Was that worth the effort; it wasn’t was it?)

I almost borrowed a book from the library called HOW to HUG; until I noticed it was volume twelve of an encyclopaedia…

I don’t think whoever coined the phrase ‘quiet as a mouse’ has ever stepped on one.

I usually manage to do a few exercises very early in the morning; before my brain works out that I’m not fetching chocolate.

I just suggested to our cat that he does something useful, but all he’d say was ‘Me, how?’

I used to have lots of Velcro cable grips, but I can’t find any now. I must be losing my grip.

If I climb up inside a church tower, would I be inspired?

I couldn’t drive out of a parking space today, but I had a back up plan.

Freudian slip: clothing worn under a see-through blouse.

Nuclear physics is much better than the old, cloudy physics.

Stealing a talking bird is a mynah offence.

My neighbour removed two panels and a post from our boundary; he must have taken a fence after something I said.

Parisian taxis are liable to drive you in Seine.

Where can I get a hollow victory? I have a substantial one, but it’s too heavy.

I ate a really good Thali recently, but there wasn’t any otter in the Tarka Dal.

Egyptian boatmen are in denial.

There’s a bottle in the fridge that says it’s ‘still water’; I’ll check again tomorrow to see if anything changes.

I don’t see the point of pocket calculators; who has that many pockets?

I’ve been struggling to find a new role; then I remembered two wholemeal ones in the freezer.

A friend thought I wouldn’t want a mention in their poem, but I’m not a verse to it.

If a pig gets laryngitis, would it be disgruntled?

Perfume is scent everywhere by post.

If all is not lost, where is it?

1848 ~ Horse drawn buses appeared in Nottingham, although they were inept, as the horses couldn’t hold the pencil properly.

I have one of those memory foam cushions, but I can’t remember where I put it.

After problems with my browser I had to disable some cookies; now my keyboard is clogged with crumbs.

I’m getting irritated with email & spam; simultaneously reading mail & opening a can of meat is multi-tasking.

I tried to use a chat-room while I was at the library, but they kept shushing me.

Does anyone else have problems with instant messaging? My post-its won’t stick to the monitor.

Will someone tell me how to use a spam filter? I’ve made a hell of a mess opening the last can.

I’ve been trying to save a progressive JPEG in a reactionary format, but my PC is too liberal.

This sentence has absolutely no odour; it’s complete non scents.

I saw a huge new funeral parlour opening today; it was quite an undertaking.

Where did Noah keep the woodworm, termites and woodpeckers?

Stationery traffic has been blamed on the huge number of vehicles delivering envelopes and writing paper.

The situation is posterous, although beforehand it was preposterous.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if you throw it hard enough.

The only thing you have to fear is fear itself… and bugs, and the dark, and strangers, and hairs in food, and pigeons, and door knobs…

People first arrived in North America by crossing from Russia to Alaska; they’d got lost and couldn’t get their Bering Strait.

The letters A, E and U are making me very tetchy today; apparently I’m suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.

A local police officer was bribed with just a few coins, but change is as good as arrest.

I enjoy ironing as much as oral surgery and appreciate that I very rarely have to iron, but I don’t appreciate the irony.

I dropped some very unripe stone fruit in the ocean once; just to plum the depths of tastelessness.

As a designer, am I facing in the right direction? Anyway, back to the drawing board.

In art class we had to sketch drinking straws; I drew the short straw.

Our pet chicken constantly runs up and down stairs, so we changed her name to Stephen.

The face painter at the local fête said they couldn’t paint teddies, but that’s just a bear faced lie.

Sometimes elevators get me down, but other times they’re quite uplifting.

What happens if you meet someone online, but you don’t click?

I’ve been trying very hard to sketch with correcting fluid, but I’m drawing a blank.

I’ve tried everything to end a disagreement; oak twigs, chestnut sticks, haven’t tried an olive branch yet.

I have a great bee and beef pie recipe, if anyone feels like eating hum bull pie?

If you helped a one-eyed person whose artificial glass one was in back to front, would you be turning a blind eye?

It’s really hard to persuade someone to wear two slices of bread for an art project; perhaps I should have buttered them up first?

Just had an argument about someone’s clavicle; it’s obviously going to be a bone of contention

Parents are choosing Spanish/Scandinavian names for their babies; there’s Juan Bjorn every minute.

I’ve been playing chess on the floor instead of the table; I really need to raise my game.



Do a couple of those look familiar to you? I thought so. Here am I thinking I’m being original and creative and I’m probably inadvertently copying them from somewhere else. Never mind; they’re probably the funniest ones.
:^)


 

 

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MumblingNerd Stuff

I recently listed some favourite one-liners by the hilarious Tim Vine, so I thought perhaps it’s time to post some of my own stuff:

 

MumblingNerd QuipsMy doctor told me to cut down on sodium, but I’m taking his advice with a pinch of salt.

I’ll have to grit my teeth next time I go out in this cold weather, although my teeth don’t usually ice up.

I was thinking outside of the box today; but they found me this afternoon and put me back in.

I’ve almost finished sorting out my string collection; I just need to tie up a few loose ends.

Apparently a new local priest has set the font alight; that must have been a real baptism of fire.

I entered a competition with a paint catapult and won with flying colours.

I’m tired of washing bath sheets and face cloths, so I’ve thrown the towel in.

I have ‘scarlet’ paint and a selection of new books; now to sort the books into a ‘to be red’ pile.

I’ve never had an audience eating out of the palm of my hand, but it’s a different story with pigeons.

I once designed a container to carry picnic hampers; but it turned out to be a basket case.

I’ve been reading about the Tunguska Event, a huge explosion in Siberia in 1908; it was a real blast from the past.

I’m too lazy to take up flower pressing, so I took a leaf from someone else’s book.

I’ve soundproofed the house and bought ear plugs; I’ll do anything for a quiet life.

Does anyone else really hate walking on wet clay; or am I just an old stick in the mud?

A grandmother’s entire estate was willed to her hairdresser; that was a bad heir day.

A pirate and a shepherd were fighting; determined to win by hook or by crook.

Someone broke my umbrella; I take umbrage at that!

I currantly love raisins.

There’s an author named Amber Greene with a novel called ‘Traffic Signal Sequence’ Has anyone read Amber Greene?

If exits are on the way out, are bathroom scales on the weigh in?

Impotence just means no hard feelings.

I followed a trail of pencil graphite right to the end of our yard; I think I’ve been lead up the garden path.

Our cat Max really hates climbing; he’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

I took up brewing because I like draught beer, but in the end, I bottled it.

Honey seems to be all the rage at the moment; I blame the powers that bee.

I visited the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals office; it’s so small there’s not enough room to swing a cat.

I’ve just realised that worrying does work; 90% of the things I worry about have never happened.

Hermit crabs don’t like having to shell out for a new home.

I saw someone play a violin on children’s TV today; I thought they weren’t allowed to depict violins in children’s programs?

Zoos in North America get rid of their lions at the end of each summer; determining that pride goes before a fall.

I’m very good at startling ducks and chickens, but I wouldn’t say boo to a goose.

I was just about to leave the office when I spilt hot chocolate all over my out tray; still, it’s all in a day’s work.

The council may build a library in the middle of the tracks at the local railway station; that’s reading between the lines.

I ate a delicious creamy gooseberry fool today; it gave me indigestion, but I do suffer fools gladly.

An old bylaw inflicts a financial penalty on anyone carrying salmon in a boiling pot; that’s a fine kettle of fish.

Ironically, I looked ridiculous sitting part way up a tree; I should have satire.

I’ve been told that I make terrible wine because I’m using my own vine fruit, but it’s probably just sour grapes.

The nuns that embroidered either end of the 230 feet long Bayeux tapestry never met; sew near and yet sew far.

This obsession with appearance is getting out of control; I’ve just found these letters wearing toupees: ã ĩ ñ.

In the juice bar today I tried to grab something to drink my orange through, but I was just clutching at straws.

The guys delivering a load of sand to me say it’s been delayed, ah well, the best late plans of my sand men.

I found a great site that sells sausages online; but the link’s broken.

Only older people seem to be queuing in the hordes at the theatre; but I suppose every crowd has a silver line in.

Future alien visitors may well appear in strange forms, but that’s just the shape of things to come.

Genetically modified flowers are fashionable; the Fuchsia’s bright, the Fuchsia’s orange.

A local brass band is recruiting musicians, but I’m reluctant to blow my own trumpet.

I’ve got chocolate all over my earphones; still, I always wanted to be a chocolatier.

Our milkman is legend dairy.

I’m going to a local shop for the first time; I’ve no idea what’s in store.

I really feel in shape today; it’s just a pity it’s the wrong shape

Took me ages to remove the food stains from the doctor’s invoice, but at last I have a clean bill of health.

I have pony spittle all down my arm and that’s straight from the horse’s mouth.

Took a hammer to a new neighbour’s freezer today; just trying to break the ice.

I’m putting off working some bread dough, but I knead to knuckle down.

Trouser zipper manufacturers are dropping like flies.

I’m sure this blueprint’s the wrong way round; back to the drawing board.

It’s time to put an end to punctuation disputes, full stop.

With middle age spread all good thins come to an end.

Is calling a puppy ‘Putrid’ giving a dog a bad name?

Is circumcision a fore gone conclusion?

My head is resting against a violin; I’ve no idea why, I’ll just have to play it by ear.

I’ve a needlework exam today; I’m pinning my hopes on it, but I’m sew nervous I needle little encouragement.

I had forty winks earlier; now my eye’s sore, two people slapped me and only one winked back.

I just Googled the price of amputations; they cost an arm and a leg.

Cutting a gateau into slices looks difficult; turns out it’s a piece of cake.

Bought my wife a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle; don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.

I’ve ordered some German food off the internet; the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

 

 

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“I say Holmes…”

“I say Holmes, what school do your children attend?” ~ “It’s elementary, my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, I have terrible indigestion” ~ “It’s alimentary my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, what is your favourite cheese?” ~ “It’s Emmental my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, what is the plumbing like here?” ~ “It’s rudimentary my dear Watson”

“I say, you rock Holmes!” ~ “It’s sedimentary my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, shall we take the green or the yellow door?” ~ “The lemon entry, my dear Watson” (Thanks @SimplerDave)

“I say Holmes, what is that note from Scotland Yard?” ~ “It’s complimentary my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, are you making a movie?” ~ “It’s documentary my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, are those vitamin pills?” ~ “It’s supplementary my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, will you elucidate?” ~ “It’s illuminatory my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, did Ellen say she was voting Conservative?” ~ “Ellen meant Tory my dear Watson” (Thanks Denise ‘Okonkwo’ Tooley via Paul Naylor)

“I say Holmes, how the deuce do we deal with Professor Moriarty?” ~ “It’s eliminatory my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, what did your accountant say?” ~ “It’s hell monetarily my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, how do I remove this moustache?” ~ “It’s epilatory my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, is that a mammoth?” ~ “It’s elephant hairy my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, what is your favourite shape?” ~ “It’s elliptical my dear Watson”

“I say Holmes, how is a periodic table structured?” ~ “It’s elementally my dear Watson”

Sorry, this was a daft idea that’s stretched too far, I’ll stop now…


 

 

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Life observations

A small collection of observations and comments that have made me smile, some are mine, but most are ones I’ve gleaned from Twitter and Facebook:

 

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

I don’t have a solution but I do admire the problem.

Two rules to live by: First, look out for #1. Second, don’t step in #2.

My genetic insanity is very fit and healthy; it runs in the family.

I finally got my head together, but now my body’s falling apart.

I don’t have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder; I’m just multi-tasking.

I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Some mistakes are far too much fun to only make once.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you needed it.

Don’t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

People are jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Make something idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Everybody repeat after me: “We are all individuals”.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I want patience AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

My doctor just told me that I’m colour blind; that was right out of the orange.

Being over the hill is much better than being under it.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.

Don’t marry a tennis player; love means nothing to them.

My inferiority complex isn’t as good as everyone else’s.

Smokers are the same as everyone else; just not as long.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Good health is just the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

Think outside the box; it’s too late once you’re in it.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if you throw it hard enough.

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

 

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Tim Vine One-line Groaners


Tim Vine is an English actor, writer, TV host and hilarious stand-up comedian, his stand-up act mainly consists of quick-fire one-line ‘groaner’ jokes and word play.

He won the funniest joke of the year at the Edinburgh Fringe in 2010. His winning joke was ‘I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.’

Anyway, to the point of this post, here’s a selection of Tim Vine’s famous one-liner gags:


The advantage of easy origami is twofold…

I was in the Army once and the sergeant said to me ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said ‘I give up!’

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!

So I rang up British Telecom and said ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’ He said ‘Not you again’

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one’

I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said ‘Put it back’

I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing; serves him right

Albinos; you can’t say fairer than that

So I said to this train driver ‘I want to go to Paris’ He said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘I’ve been on telly, but I’m no Dean Martin’

Beware of Alphabet Grenades; if you throw them, it could spell disaster

I saw this advert that said ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full’ I thought ‘I can’t turn that down’

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Black beauty; he’s a dark horse

I wanted to be a milkman; but I didn’t have the bottle

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from’

I said to the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said ‘How flexible are you?’ I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’

My mate said to me ‘Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?’ I said ‘Cors-i-can!’

I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags; he’s bisatchel

I went to the local supermarket. I said ‘I want to make a complaint; this vinegar’s got lumps in it’ He said ‘Those are pickled onions’

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything; trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past; it was a bit choppy

I used go out with an anaesthetist; she was a local girl

Did you know that if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it would give birth to a litter of Twiglets?

So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are’

During the war, my grandfather could not stop scribbling; he got hit by a Doodlebug

I’ve got a front door made from sponge; don’t knock it

I’ve played football on a plane, you know… there I was, running up the wing!

I threw some snow at my girlfriend; she didn’t catch my drift

Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They’ve formed The Doors

I went to the icecream shop and said ‘I want to buy an icecream’ He said ‘Hundreds and thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with the one’

When I left home, my mum said ‘Don’t forget to write’ I thought ‘That’s unlikely; it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?’

Velcro… what a ripoff

So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Weggie Kray

I went to the record shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

What do you call a lady with big teeth who sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui

When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up

Exit signs; they’re on the way out aren’t they?

This bloke said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of your trouser leg and put it in a library’ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books’

So I went to the dentist. He said ‘Say Aaah.’ I said ‘Why?’ He said ‘My dog’s died’

The price of hearing aids has gone up? Deaf people across the country are going ‘how much?’

I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you’

I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil; crematoriums

I’m not very good at magic; I can only do half of a trick. Yes, I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’

So I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue’ I said ‘No, just a watch’

I went into a shop and I said ‘Can someone sell me a kettle’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said ‘Where is he?’

I went to a pet shop. I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’

I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels’ He said ‘You’ve got cholera’

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R

I was reading this book today, ‘The History of Glue’ and I couldn’t put it down

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on

My mate asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work?’ I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me’

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said ‘I want you to trace someone for me’

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said ‘No, it’s a permanent job’

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says ‘Audi!’

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said ‘Nearest the bull goes first’ He went ‘Baah’ and I went ‘Moo’ He said ‘You’re closest’

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny; you couldn’t swing a cat in there

I stole things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts

Whenever I’m in Italy I become a rickety old table. I guess I’m just a hopeless Rome antique

After I’ve had an argument I sometimes hold a Hoover over my head. It helps clear the air

The other day I sat on a hairdryer. That put the wind up me

This bloke said to me, he said I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away. I said that’s a bit far-fetched

This reporter said to me, he said how would you describe the absence of Haley’s flaming meteorite? I said no comet

I’m amazed how many people go to Ascot when it’s windy. Still, hats off to them

Me and my brother inherited some furniture from the local zoo. I’m glad to say I got the lion’s chair

I was skiing through Tie Rack and I fell down an 80-foot cravat

So I saw this bloke who was a cross between an ostrich and a serial killer. He was always burying other people’s heads in the sand

The other day I tied my head to a dog’s tail. I just fancied a bit of a chinwag

So I saw this bloke with a 1.2-litre engine halfway down his arm. I said more power to your elbow

I don’t like my hands. I always keep them at arm’s length

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

BNAG – that’s BANG out of order!

I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly

So I said to my Mum I’m going to the funfair. She said Oooooh will you go on the Ghost train? I said No, I’ll walk

So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I’d like to rent Batman Forever. I said No, just for two hours!

I decided to sell my Hoover… well it was just collecting dust.



 

 

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