MumblingNerd

Some (more) favourite quotes

“Do all that you can, with all that you have, in the time that you have, in the place where you are” ~ Nkosi Johnson (1989-2001)

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans” ~ John Lennon

“Press freedom / some authorities are confused by the two meanings of press” ~ Loesje

“That the only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilised community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others” ~ J S Mill

“Trust provides security / fences don’t” ~ Loesje

“Don’t follow your dreams; chase them” ~ Richard Dumb

“There is nothing constant in this world but inconsistency” ~ Jonathan Swift

“Le doute n’est pas une condition agréable, mais la certitude est absurde” ~ Voltaire

“It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept” ~ Bill Watterson

“Don’t find fault, find a remedy” ~ Henry Ford

“The good thing about science is that it’s true whether or not you believe in it.” ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson

“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world” ~ The Buddha Dhammapada

“The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those that got there first” ~ Steven Tyler

“Ask yourself this question: Will this matter a year from now?” ~ Richard Carlson

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven…” ~ John Milton (Paradise Lost)

“The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth” ~ Gerald Burrill

“Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it” ~ Andre Gide

“Know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything’s different” ~ Bill Watterson

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us” ~ Bill Watterson

“Being brave / Lets no one off the grave / Death is no different whined at than withstood” ~ from Aubade by Philip Larkin

“Life on earth is expensive / but it includes a free trip around the sun” ~ Loesje

“If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed” ~ Mark Twain

“I liked things better when I didn’t understand them” ~ Bill Watterson

“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you are the world” ~ Anonymous

“Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get” ~ Ingrid Bergman

“Pay attention. And keep breathing” ~ Terence McKenna

“Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“Eschew the ordinary, disdain the commonplace” ~ Chuck Jones

“If you have a single minded need for something, let it be the unusual, the esoteric, the bizarre, the unexpected” ~ Chuck Jones

“I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough. Without ever having felt sorry for itself” ~ D H Lawrence

“We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow; Our wiser sons, no doubt, will think us so” ~ Alexander Pope

“It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It’s only necessary to be rich” ~ Alan Alda

“If adventure doesn’t wait on the doorstep / climb out through the window” ~ Loesje

“The best number for a dinner party is two – myself and a damn’ good head waiter” ~ Nubar Gulbenkian

“The truth / which one of the three versions do you want to hear” ~ Loesje

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us” ~ Helen Keller

“Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy” ~ Cynthia Nelms

“An apostrophe is the difference between a business that knows its shit and a business that knows it’s shit.” ~ Sam Tanner

“Life is short, eat dessert first” ~ variously credited to Mark Twain, Ogden Nash, Ernestine Ulmer, Sue Ellen Cooper and Jacques Torres

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations

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My wife’s gone to…

Humour

A few very old gags, some with particular thanks to @ErikPetersen and @dancludlow

‘My wife’s gone to the West Indies’ ~ ‘Jamaica?’ ~ No, she went of her own accord’

‘My wife’s gone to Indonesia’ ~ ‘Jakarta?’ ~ ‘No, she went by plane’

‘My wife bought a hat in Central America’ ~ ‘Panama?’ ~ ‘No, it was a trilby’

‘My wife spent last winter in Switzerland’ ~ ‘Berne?’ ~ ‘No, she nearly froze’

‘My wife flew to America recently’ ~ ‘Chicago?’ ~ ‘No, she was a passenger’

‘My wife opened a brothel in Hawaii’ ~ ‘Maui?’ ~ ‘No you may not!’

‘My wife loves whiskey from the Southern United States’ ~ ‘Mississippi?’ ~ ‘No, she just drank the whole bottle’

‘My wife’s band went on tour in South East Asia’ ~ ‘Singapore?’ ~ ‘Yes, and the bassist’s rubbish too’

‘My wife’s gone to Oslo’ ~ ‘Norway?’ ~ ‘Yes, way!’

‘My wife’s an Angel’ ~ ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive!’

‘My wife’s on holiday just south of London’ ~ ‘Surrey?’ ~ ‘I SAID, MY WIFE’S ON HOLIDAY JUST SOUTH OF LONDON!’

‘My wife’s gone to South America’ ~ ‘Chile?’ ~ ‘No, it’s very hot there at the moment’

‘My wife sent me for a sex change operation in Montevideo’ ~ ‘Uruguay?’ ~ ‘Not any more’

‘My wife went to Malawi’ ~ ‘Lilongwe?’ ~ ‘Yes, thousands of miles’

‘My wife was attacked by an animal in Malaysia’ ~ ‘Kuala Lumpur?’ ~ ‘No, a dingo bit her’

‘My wife would love to go on safari in Africa’ ~ ‘Kenya?’ ~ ‘No, we can’t afford it’

‘My wife’s holidaying in northern Benin’ ~ ‘Djougou?’ ~ ‘No, I stayed at home’

‘My wife had her portrait done in Sudan’ ~ ‘Khartoum?’ ~ ‘No, actually it was quite a good likeness’

‘My wife went to Morocco and bought a new cooker’ ~ ‘Agadir?’ ~ ‘No, it was quite cheap’

‘My wife went to a music concert in South Korea’ ~ ‘Seoul?’ ~ ‘No, it was R&B’

‘My wife went to a casino in the Himalayas’ ~ ‘Tibet?’ ~ ‘Yes, of course, why else would she go?’

‘My wife’s booked a luxury holiday in India’ ~ ‘Mumbai?’ ~ ‘No, her Dad paid for it’

‘My wife bought some crockery in Peking’ ~ ‘China?’ ~ ‘No, Royal Doulton’

‘My wife’s gone to Jordan’ ~ ‘Amman?’ ~ ‘No, she’s just got big hands, but you’re not the first to ask’

‘My wife’s relation has been to the South of France’ ~ ‘Nice?’ ~ ‘No, her Nephew’

‘My wife misses me constantly’ ~ ‘Working away?’ ~ ‘No, I’ve learnt to dodge’

‘My wife went to Maharashtra with her parents.’ ~ ‘Mumbai?’ ~ ‘No, her Dad paid for it.’

‘My wife went to Northumberland to buy a large property.’ ~ ‘Newcastle?’ ~ ‘No, it was an old stately home.’

‘My wife went to a posh B&B in Somerset.’ ~ ‘Bath?’ ~ ‘No, just a shower, but she prefers that.’

‘My wife went to an unlicensed trader and bought a cat.’ ~ ‘Illicit?’ ~ ‘No, it’s quite healthy.’

‘My wife bought a house in Sweden’ ~ ‘Stockholm?’ ~ ‘No, it was custom-built’

‘My wife was robbed in Western Australia’ ~ ‘Perth?’ ~ ‘No, they took her pathport & driving lithenth’

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Daft stuff; humour, jokes, quips and gags

Cracker Jokes!

Humour

I thought I’d round off the year with a few appalling cracker jokes …

Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? ~ The elf and safety officer

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? ~ He got 25 days

What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave? ~ He gives them the sack

Where does Father Christmas go to recover after Christmas? ~ An elf farm

What did Santa say to the smoker? ~ Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? ~ It’s Christmas, Eve

What is the best Christmas present in the world? ~ A broken drum, you just can’t beat it

What did the cat get while crossing the desert at Christmas? ~ Sandy claws

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the New Year’s Eve party? ~ Because he had no body to go with

When is a boat like a pile of snow? ~ When it’s adrift

What’s an underground train full of professors called? ~ A tube of Smarties (probably only works in UK English)

What type of room has no windows or doors? ~ A mushroom

Why don’t robots have brothers? ~ Because they only have trans-sisters

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? ~ Dam

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time? ~ One day my prints will come

What do you call two happy mushrooms? ~ Fun guys

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? ~ Three: the left ear, the right ear & the final front ear

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory? ~ Because he couldn’t concentrate

What has four legs and goes ‘Boo’? ~ A cow with a cold

Why did the atheist cross the road? ~ So he could see both sides

What do you give a dog for Christmas? ~ A mobile bone

How did the beaver get online? ~ He logged on

Why do birds fly south in winter? ~ Because it’s too far to walk

What do you give to a man who has everything? ~ Antibiotics

Who invented fractions? ~ Henry the 1/8th

What do you call two robbers? ~ A pair of knickers

Where are the Andes? ~ On the end of your armies

What do toilets and anniversaries have in common? ~ Men always miss them

Why can’t a bike stand up by itself? ~ Because it’s two-tired

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? ~ A nervous wreck

What is black and white and noisy? ~ A zebra with a drum kit

What do witches use to wrap their presents? ~ Spello-tape

What do you call a train loaded with toffee? ~ A chew chew train

Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers? ~ In case he got a hole in one

What’s grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow? ~ An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth

What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? ~ Freeze a jolly good fellow

What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? ~ Nacho Cheese

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bedside clock? ~ An alarm cluck

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch? ~ Because the referee whistled for a fowl

Why is Europe like a frying pan? ~ Because it has Greece at the bottom

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? ~ A mince spy

Why don’t penguins fly? ~ Because they’re not tall enough to be pilots

There were two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said: ‘Can you smell carrots?’

Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch? ~ Because he was the skipper

How did the Vikings send secret messages? ~ By Norse code

What kind of lighting did Noah use on the ark? ~ Floodlights

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? ~ Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot

What’s the slogan for the Eskimo lottery? ~ You’ve got to be Inuit to win you it

How do monkeys make toast? ~ Stick some bread under a gorilla

How do you hire an elephant? ~ Stand it on four bricks

Why was Cinderella thrown off the team? ~ Because she ran away from the ball

What sits on the beach and cackles? ~ A sand witch

Which cheese is made backwards? ~ Edam…

What would you get if all the cars in Britain were red? ~ A red carnation

What’s brown and creeps around the house? ~ Mince spies

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party? ~ He had no body to go with

What did one lift say to the other? ~ I think I’m coming down with something

And, lastly, one of my favourites…

What’s ET short for? ~ Because he’s only got little legs

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Nottingham’s Goose Fair

Nottingham

When the nights begin to draw in and there’s a hint of autumn in the air, Nottingham residents talk of ‘Goose Fair weather’.

Then the time approaches for the show people to congregate at the fairground, and local children watch with anticipation as the rides are constructed and the fair starts to take its familiar shape.

Goose Fair is acres and acres of colour, lights, sounds and fun, with mushy peas and Grantham gingerbread, gentle Edwardian roundabouts and white knuckle stomach turners for thrill seekers, all mingling to make Nottingham’s annual spectacular.

Visitors travel from far and wide to experience the crowds, laughter, squeals and sights that give Goose Fair its distinctive atmosphere.

The fair normally has its official opening on the first Thursday in October and runs through until Sunday.

Further Information (click the title to go to the page)

The Origins of Goose Fair

A brief history of the fair from an old Nottingham City Council ‘Nottingham Goose Fair’ leaflet, written around 1988 by Carl Piggins of the Public Relations Office.

Goose Fair – The Golden Age of Ticklers and Emmas

A description of Goose Fair in the Old Market Square in 1896, taken from the memoirs of Mr G. C. A. Austin, Nottingham’s Clerk of the Markets from 1907 to 1944.

Film of Goose Fair in 1935

A short piece of black and white film of the fair and official opening.

Some Historical Goose Fair Events and Dates

These dates are all taken from my ‘Events and dates in Nottingham’s history’ pages.

Goose Fair Painting by Harry Haslam

Not long ago I won this wonderful painting of Nottingham’s Goose Fair (1907) by local artist Harry Haslam in a Nottingham Post and True Colours Art Gallery competition.

Harry Haslam paints from old postcards and takes photographs of the buildings that still remain to get more information. Harry reproduces the detail as accurately as possible and in every one of his pictures hides an image of his faithful dog Jude.

Back to the top of the page

For other information about Nottingham click here

MumblingNerd’s Nottingham destination print

If you want to know more about Nottingham’s past there is further information in ‘Events and dates in Nottingham’s history’ and through these websites:

The Nottinghamshire Heritage Gateway

The Thoroton Society of Nottinghamshire

Nottingham Local Studies Library

Events and dates in Nottingham’s history

Nottingham

This is a slightly random assortment of dates and snippets of information about Nottingham that I’ve been collecting on and off since the early 1990s, or thereabouts. It isn’t an exhaustively researched academic treatise, I’ve just compiled it out of personal interest and because I like lists.

As a matter of convenience, for me, I’ve broken the information down into these periods (click to go to):

Nottingham in the Middle Ages (600 – 1499)

Early Modern Nottingham (1500 – 1799)

19th Century Nottingham (1800 – 1899)

Early 20th Century Nottingham (1900 – 1949)

Late 20th Century Nottingham (1950 – 1999)

Nottingham Now (2000 onwards)

References

I’ve collected the information from a huge number of places, including my memory of events since I came to live in Nottingham. A few historical dates I’ve come across have alternative years cited, so I’ve quoted the date that seems most valid to me, depending on the source, background information and related material.

One thing I didn’t do when I originally compiled the list, and now regret, is to cite source material. I will gradually address this, but due to the huge variety of sources it will take a very long time.

I’ve put the sources of information I can remember in the References section and hope that I’ve not made too many mistakes in writing the lists. I’ve also inserted one or two events that were external to Nottingham, just to give a little context.

I will update and add information as I come across it and I will be very grateful if anyone reading this would let me know of any information that is either wrong or missing.

Needless to say, if there are mistakes, they are mine.

:^)

For other information about Nottingham click here

MumblingNerd’s Nottingham destination print

If you want to know more about Nottingham’s past there is further information in ‘Events and dates in Nottingham’s history’ and through these websites:

The Nottinghamshire Heritage Gateway

The Thoroton Society of Nottinghamshire

Nottingham Local Studies Library

Back to MumblingNerd’s home page

What is the fibula? – A small lie

Humour

I’ve seen these questions and answers posted in various places, the questions were apparently set in GCSE examinations in England.

The answers are (supposedly) actual answers from 16 year olds, worrying if true, but hilarious, and worth repeating:

Q Name the four seasons
A Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q How is dew formed
A The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q What causes the tides in the oceans
A The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q In a democratic society, how important are elections
A Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q What are steroids
A Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q What happens to your body as you age
A When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A Premature death

Q What is artificial insemination
A When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q How can you delay milk turning sour
A Keep it in the cow

Q How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q What is the fibula?
A A small lie

Q What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A Nearby

Q What is the most common form of birth control
A Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q What is a seizure?
A A Roman Emperor

Q What is a terminal illness
A When you are sick at the airport

Q Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q What is a turbine?
A Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Humour

Puns and word-play

Quotations

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Nottingham colloquial translations to regular English

MumblingNerd, Nottingham

Nottingham's Council House and Old Market Square — Nottingham’s Council House and Old Market Square

When I moved to Nottingham in the 1970s I made these annotations on a selection of typical phrases used by local colleagues and neighbours.

Some of these idioms have almost vanished from daily use in the last few decades, although you still hear similar phrases in some Nottingham neighbourhoods and in older generations of local people.

A few younger Nottingham residents now have an inflection of ‘Estuary English‘; a euphemism for a mild version of the London and South East accent, which has flourished for hundreds of miles outside of London.

Nottingham	English

Greetings

Ay-up	Hello
Ay-up miduk	Hello (usually, but not exclusively, to a female)
Ay-up yooth	Hello (usually to a young male)
Ay-up duckeh	Hello (to a female or child you’re particularly close to)
Ow ya gowin on then, Serri?	How are you?
Ta-rar duk	Goodbye / goodnight

General terms

Ar (or Aye)	Yes
Knee-ow	No
Smornin	This morning
Safto	This afternoon
Tahn	Town / city centre
Twitchell / Jyitt-eh	Alley or cut-through
Kawzi	Pavement / footpath
Oss rowd	Road
Oss / Bobbo	Horse
Mazzgi	Cat
Om	Home
Ahse	House
Bog	Toilet
Gob	Mouth
Tabz	Ears
Tegs / Teggehs	Teeth
Dinna / Snap	Lunch or food
Cob	Bap, barm cake, bun or roll Just remember IT’S A COB!
Watter	Water
Duddos / tuffeh	Sweets
Sucka	Ice lolly
Guzgog	Gooseberry
Knobby greens	Brussels sprouts
Taytuzz	Potatoes
Code	Cold
Ott	Hot
Rammel	Rubbish
Brahn	Brown
Gizza	Give me / let me have
Gozz	To see / look
Dob dahn	To duck or hide
Blubber / blubbering	Crying or weeping
Prattin abaht	Acting stupidly
Pawleh / badleh	Unwell
Frit	Frightened
Clammin	Hungry
Mard-eh	Grumpy, miserable or sulking
Mank-eh	Dirty / scruffy, or sometimes silly
Suck-eh	Someone of questionable intelligence (a bit thick)
Batch-eh	Insane / crazy
Snided / snided out	Busy or crowded
Puther / puthering	Pouring or gushing; water, rain or smoke
Clarty	Sticky or sticks to the roof of your mouth
Nesh	Unusually susceptible to cold weather
Kroggeh / croggie	To give someone a lift on a bicycle crossbar
Ligger	Liar
Chelp	Back chat or insubordination
Ritt	Wrote
Aht	Out
Rahnd	Round
Tah	Thanks
Ennyrode	Anyway
Owt	Anything
Nowt	Nothing
Summat	Something
Therrint	There isn’t
Tint	It is not
Dint	Did not
Yove	You have
Sen	Self
Mi-sen	Myself
Yu-sen	Yourself
Thi-sens	Yourselves or themselves
Iz-sen	His self
Im-sen	Himself
Ussens	Ourselves
Ahkidd	My brother / sister

Queries and questions

Ahrode ay-yo?	How old are you?
Aya gorra mardilippon?	Are you sulking?
Aya gorra wi’ya?	Have you got her (wife) with you?
Aya gorrim wi’ya?	Have you got him (husband) with you?
Aya gorrowt?	Have you any money?
Aya masht miduk?	Have you made the tea yet?
Ezz ee sed owt?	Did he say anything?
Gizzabitt	Can I have some of your … ?
Jagadahn?	Did you go to the Nottingham Forest / Notts County match?
Jo wonn-owt?	Would you like anything?
Kannicum annorl?	May I come too?
Oo worree wi?	Who was he with?
Wair dya wekk?	Where do you work?
Wairza booza?	Where is the local pub?
Wi or wi’yaut?	With or without?
Worree wee iz-sen?	Was he alone?
Wotsupp?	Is something wrong? / Is everything alright?
Wotyavin?	What would you like to drink?
Wot yonn-wee?	What are you doing?
Yerwott?	I beg your pardon?

Statements and comments

Am goowin wi mi-sen	I’m going alone / by myself
Annorl	As well / Also
Av gorrit wimee	I have it with me
Ay aint gorrowt	I don’t have anything / any money
Ah dint do owt	I didn’t do anything
Ah towd Imm eekud pleez iz-sen	I told him the decision was his / he could please his self
Ah towdya an al telya namor	I’ve told you and I’m not telling you again
Ah’ve gone an dottied mi’sen	My hands are dirty
Ah’ve podged mi’sen	I’ve eaten too much
Batt yu-sen dahn	Dust yourself off
Bungitt ovvarear	Pass it to me
Ee-yar	Here you are (giving) / let me have that (taking)
E’ wants sum ossmuck inniz boots	He’s not very tall
Gerra buzz dahn tahn	Catch a bus into town
Gerrit dahn-ya	Please eat it / drink it
Gerroff om	It’s time you went home
Gerroff!	Get off! (Please go away)
Gerroffahtonnit!	Go away / leave it alone!
Gerron wee-it	Get on with it (Please continue what you were saying)
Gerrum in then	Buy me a drink
Gerrup, elsal bat ya tab	Please get up or I’ll use violence
Gizza gozz	Let me see
Gizza kroggeh / krog	To ask for a lift on a bike
Gizzarfonitt	Share and share alike
Innit code	It’s cold today
Innit ott	It’s hot today
It meks-ya tabz laff	It has a sour or bitter taste
It-seh bit black ovva bilzmothaz	It looks like rain
It’ul norrotcha	It won’t hurt you
Izon Iz-ollidiz	He’s on holiday
Justarkatit	Listen to the rain
Mek it g’bakkuds	Please reverse the car / vehicle
Owd yuh oss-uzz!	Please wait / be patient! (Hold your horses!)
Shurrup, elsal bat ya tab	Please be quiet or I’ll use violence
Shut ya gob! / Purra sock init	Shut your mouth / Shut up!
Tabhangin	Evesdropping
Thiz summat up wee im	There is something wrong with him / He may be ill
Tin-tin-tin	It is not in the tin
Wigorn tev uz dinnaz	We’re about to have lunch
Yowl koppitt	You’ll get into trouble

A Nottingham dialect joke ► Vet; “Is it a tom?” Cat owner; “Nah, av gorrit wimee.”

LeftLion magazine

‘Nottingham Dialect and Sayings’ by Jimmy Notts and Nottingham Hidden History Team

For other information about Nottingham click here

MumblingNerd’s Nottingham destination print

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Chocolate is the answer

Chocolate

Chocolate Siocled Chocolat Cioccolato Shokolade Chocolade Chokolade Choklad Čokoláda Czekolada Csokoládéval Шоколад Σοκολάτα Çikolata …

… so many ways to say chocolate and those have hardly scratched the surface.

Anyway, just a few chocolaty comments. I don’t need a reason; it’s chocolate.

Rules of chocolate

Remember the acronym: WAFFLES

Weight

Never eat more chocolate than you can lift.

Answer

Chocolate is the answer and the question is irrelevant.

Food tip

Have a chocolate bar before each meal; it will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less.

Failure

If at first you don’t succeed, have a little chocolate.

List

Put ‘eat chocolate’ at the top of your list of things to do today and at least you’ll get one thing done.

Extent

A little too much chocolate is just about right.

Speed

If you have melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

Chocolate aphorisms

All well known, but worth repeating:

Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed, but chocolate makes it worthwhile.

Chocolate is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.

I’d give up chocolate, but I’m no quitter.

You can eat chocolate in front of your parents.

There’s a thin person inside of me screaming to get out, but I keep them sedated with chocolate.

So much chocolate, so little time.

Save the Earth! (It’s the only planet with chocolate).

Seven days without chocolate makes one weak.

If you ate a lifetime’s supply of chocolate in one day, should you be worried?

Will you buy me chocolate? (A) Yes – (B) A – (C) B

Chocolate is not a matter of life and death; it’s more important than that.

Star Trek gag: The Borg ~ Wrappers are futile; chocolate will be assimilated.

Health ~ Chocolate is made from cocoa beans and beans are vegetables. Sugar is obtained from either sugar beet or sugar cane, both of which are plants, so they are also vegetables. Chocolate, therefore, is a vegetable. Milk chocolate contains milk, which is a dairy product. Milk chocolate contains both vegetables and dairy and is therefore a health food.

Chocolate quotations

“Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don’t need an appointment.” ~ Catherine Aitken

“I never met a chocolate I didn’t like.” ~ Counsellor Deanna Troi, Star Trek: The Next Generation

“There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles.” ~ Anonymous

“Exercise is a dirty word… Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.” ~ Charles M Schulz

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… chocolate….” ~ Homer Simpson

“As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.” ~ Sandra Boynton

“Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth person always lies.” ~ John Q. Tullius

“Caramels are only a fad. Chocolate is a permanent thing.” ~ Milton Hershey

“Chocolate: Here today… Gone today!” ~ Daniel Worona

“Eat food. Not too much. Mostly chocolate” ~ Debbie Moose

“Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces.” ~ Judith Viorst

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate” ~ Charles Dickens

“The 12-step chocoholics program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!” ~ Terry Moore

These quotations and others can also be found here:
Quotes about chocolate

Final thoughts

There are only three things in life that matter; good friends, good chocolate and, erm… what was the other one?

‘Knock knock!’

‘Who’s there?’

‘Imogen.’

‘Imogen who?’

‘Imogen life without chocolate!’

If calories are a problem, keep your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will remove themselves from the chocolate to protect their peace of mind.

Apparently there is a theory that chocolate slows down the aging process; it may not be true, but why take the risk?

:^)

There are lots of chocolate tweets on Twitter:

And in MumblingNerd’s Daily Chocolate

MumblingNerd’s chocolate destination print

Back to Chocolate

Back to MumblingNerd’s home page

…cut into chunks, weighed and wrapped

MumblingNerd

Legion Stores, Birstall

Legion Stores, 13 Front Street, Birstall (c1954)

We owned a small local shop in the 1950s; Legion Stores at 13 Front Street, in Birstall, just north of Leicester in the English East Midlands.

The shop was in the oldest part of Birstall, quite close to the River Soar and opposite the very old St. James Church; relics of a Saxon window were found during major restoration works in the 19^th century. The peel of church bells always takes me back to childhood Sunday mornings, either in the old shop, or at number 5, an old cottage we’d later rented, just down the road.

For the first few years that we had the shop food was still rationed and Mum used to bone and slice the bacon and measure out all the rationed portions of cheese and meat.

Mum and Grandma did most of the serving in the shop because Grandad didn’t like working behind the counter; he didn’t have much patience and always said he couldn’t put up with the ‘chatting women’.

Nellie and Betty Manterfield serving in the shop (1954)

Almost everything had to be weighed and measured out by hand, hardly anything came pre-packed. Things like sugar came in big bags and were measured into small bags for the customer, bacon was sliced by hand and parcelled up, cheese, lard and butter had to be cut into chunks, weighed and wrapped.

In the kitchen at the back of the shop we had a small butter churn, like a small wooden barrel with a turning handle that we used to make our own butter. I don’t actually remember if we churned the butter that was sold in the shop, although I do remember my Mum and Grandma patting the measured chunks of butter into blocks with wooden paddles and wrapping them in paper.

Betty Manterfield in Legion Stores (c1950)

Particular delights for me were the rows of jars full of sweets, unfortunately out of my reach. Something I could actually reach were the eggs, dozens of them in stacks of trays. My mother told me that one day I picked up some of the eggs and when she told me to put them down, I just dropped them on the floor. I bet the cane that she kept behind the bread board came out that time.

One of my favourite parts of the shop were the rows of little wooden drawers behind the counter and below the shelves of sweet jars, tins and jams. These drawers were full of various dry goods, such as salt, with small metal scoops used to measure the contents into bags. The drawer I liked most of all contained lots of button badges, these must have been given out by the suppliers, because I seem to remember them advertising things like Saxa salt.

The shop did steady business and just about paid its way for a few years, but self-serve food stores started to become popular in the 1950s, gradually turning into the chains of supermarkets that most of us buy our food from today.

By the late 1950s the old shop on Front Street wasn’t doing very well, loosing customers to the newer shops in the village at Sibson’s Corner, so when Mum and Dad moved in 1959, to a new house on a new estate off Greengate Lane, Grandma and Grandad Manterfield gave the shop up and moved into the old cottage that we’d rented at 5 Front Street.

So that was the end of our little retail experiment, but it left me with many happy memories of a quieter time in a small corner of a very old village.