“A bit deaf in one ear and a bit daft in the other.” Humour, social media, cats, chocolate and Nottingham. Love, equality and tolerance; reject hate.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 87,000 times in 2013. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 4 days for that many people to see it.
Staring at the back of a monitor is pointless; always look on the bright side.
I used to live next to a very quiet tennis equipment manufacturer, I was lucky; normally they made a racket.
Finding out how to preserve pork with salt has really saved my bacon.
It’s not middle age spread; it’s just that my genes don’t fit properly.
I used to enjoy working in a mattress factory, except at spring time.
My shoe came off and I dropped a fondant fancy; now I’m footloose and fancy free.
Take life one day at a time, but always take chocolates two at a time.
I had a flat in the hilly part of Nottingham, before that I had a flat in the flat part, now I’m in the hilly part, but I don’t have a flat.
Has anyone found out what Larry is so happy about?
I don’t adhere to the belief that super glue is a bonding experience; there’s no resin for it, so it’s a complete paste of time.
According to the UK weather map this morning; people on the west coast of Wales will need a Cardigan.
Never mind the horse meat saga; rumour has it that moussaka contains no mouse and ratatouille is rodent free.
I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth; but my parents never received an apology from the hospital.
A friend kindly passed me their salt cellar without turning around; but it may have been a backhanded condiment.
I’m itching to visit a Flea Market.
Lunchtime, and I’ve just found out that my horseradish sauce has beef in it.
I’m so angry someone put soap in my drink I’m foaming at the mouth.
Fit as a fiddle, viable as a violin, chilled as a cello and deep as a double bass, but there are strings attached.
I might have eaten something that’s past its best; I just have this gut feeling.
I’m a DAB hand at tuning my radio in.
Prince Charles is constantly referred to as heir apparent, but surely his hairline is no one else’s business?
I remember important dates, such as 1066, but the rest are history.
A friend who empties cesspits with a truck was involved in a road accident, he wasn’t injured, but he had a terrible freight.
I invested in a paper aeroplane company, but it folded.
I also foolishly invested in a failing graffiti business; I hadn’t seen the writing on the wall.
A mystic set up a divinatory card reading business for cattle and it failed miserably; it was a Tarot bull way to go.
TV news showed radioactive bullocks resting in the sun near the Fukushima nuclear plant; is this an example of glow bull warming?
I tried to set up a unique Déjà Vu Travel Company, but the focus group said they had seen it all before.
I have such a large vinyl record collection that I’ve barely scratched the surface.
140 characters are perfect; if Twitter had 144 that would be gross.
When a race takes place in Finland, what is the Finish line called?
The Grim Reaper’s hairstylist has just had a brush with death.
I tried cooking something from the ‘Titanic Cookbook’; it was a recipe for disaster, but it did go down well.
Soaking for too long in the bath really creases me up.
My physiotherapist says I’m getting taller, but I think he’s just pulling my leg.
Why do we spend the first few years teaching children to walk and talk, and the next decade telling them to sit down and shut up?
Sheep rustling? What would make sheep rustle; tin foil, taffeta, newspaper, gift wrap?
Just bought a large block of cheddar; some grate times ahead.
Atoms are made up of small subatomic particles called protons, neutrons, electrons and morons #MyAtomsHaveExtraMorons
I’ve been on the edge of my seat all evening. I should move the cat really, but he looks so comfortable.
I have a tortuous joke about marathons, but it won’t fit on Twitter; it’s a long running gag.
A cattle farmer has had to withdraw from a marathon due to a calf injury.
I’m thinking of setting up a business selling sesame seeds; it might open a few doors.
I’ve been trying on very expensive pullovers, but at these prices I think I’m having the wool pulled over my eyes.
Following floods, headlines often announce problems with ‘raw sewage’, but what if it was properly cooked?
If Cinderella’s shoe was a perfect fit, why did it fall off in the first place?
Apparently you can use matchsticks to help you stay awake; that’s a real eye-opener.
You know that slightly desperate feeling you get when you have to look at the second page of Google answers…
Please Note ► People making Schrödinger’s cat jokes today will be regarded as ‘Wanted, Dead or Alive’ by the Joke Regulator.
If you had a blind date with an optician, would you make a spectacle of yourself?
I think I’ve lost an electron; you’ve really got to keep an ion them.
How do headphones tie themselves in knots when you’re not looking?
When I kicked the bucket my toe hurt so much I could have died.
I’m so Hungary Iran to the fridge to Czech for Turkey, but Norway I could eat it with all that Greece. Now I’m Russian out for a Danish.
A scheme has been launched to find out what makes a good timepiece, so far the search has gone like clockwork.
13 out of 12 people don’t know what a baker’s dozen is.
A message keeps displaying on our TV; ‘No Signal’, but we use Colgate anyway.
I have class written all over me; fortunately it wasn’t a permanent ink marker.
Sales of adult diapers have decreased on islands and increased in continents.
Phone reception was terrible in Yorkshire; although one day next to a field of sheep I did get up to three baas.
I watched Walt Disney being interviewed once; he was very animated.
I love dictionaries; they add meaning to everything.
How do cutlery manufacturers manage when they can only get forklift trucks?
WARNING: If someone sends you a link to the new Justin Bieber single, DON’T CLICK ON IT! It’s a link to the new Justin Bieber single.
Couch potato? Sounds delicious; does anyone have a recipe? I’d look for one, but I’m reclining in front of the TV.
It’s late and I just put the cat out. I’ve still no idea how he caught fire.
L M N ► Tree ► May ► Deer ► What’s On
‘Sink your iPhone’ is an expensive typo.
I entered a jazz hands competition and won hands down.
I played cricket last week and lost. I’d no idea they could jump that high.
I stopped at a fork in the road, but quickly moved on; what I really needed was a spoon.
Whenever I attend a word play seminar I have a punini for lunch.
If my salary was paid in sodium chloride, I’d salt it away in the cellar.
I tried following my dreams, but I fell off the bed.
I intended to start the day with a clean slate, but when it came down to it I opted for traditional crockery.
I’ve upgraded my old analogue digits to digital digits. My wedding ring doesn’t fit as well though.
I was in a field of spring flowers today singing “Daisy, Daisy / Give me your answer, do.” No reply.
I can’t find my mouse pointer. Mind you, I’ve only conducted a cursory search.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; it’s impossible to put down.
I’m glad I know sign language; it comes in handy.
If towels could tell jokes, they would probably have a dry sense of humour.
Police were called to a nursery where a three year old was resisting a rest.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
A man had his left arm and leg amputated; he’s all right now.
I wondered why the football was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.
If you asked a plastic surgeon to make you look like a pelican, would you get a massive bill?
When ancient wall sculptors finished their work, it was a relief.
Someone left a piece of Plasticine in my house. I didn’t know what to make of it.
As one frog croaked to the other; “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”
Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas because he felt his presents.
I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.
Just watched a religious order playing stringed instruments; there’s too much sects and violins on TV these days.
I nearly lost my frog puppet recently; it tried to Kermit suicide.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
I saw a kidnapping today, but decided not to wake him up.
I’ve spilt glue all over my autobiography. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
I’ve just eaten a very hard biscuit; that was one tough cookie.
There are a few grave diggers wandering around the local graveyard; I think they’ve lost the plot.
I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.
Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Palaeontologists thought they’d found new evidence of a missing link, but it was just another fossil arm.
There’s a terrible smell in the local Apple store; it’s a shame they don’t have Windows.
I use my iPhone when I can’t get to sleep; I have a nap for it.
I found out why our refuse collectors are so miserable; they’ve been down in the dumps.
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office DVD is in big trouble; you have my Word.
A woman said she’d recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
What do you call someone with neither a body nor a nose? Nobody nose.
I heard a song about a tortilla today; actually it was more of a wrap.
I decided not to return to my drumming lessons for fear of the repercussions.
I heard that OXYGEN and MAGNESIUM were going out and I was like O Mg!
If the devil ever loses his hair there will be hell toupée.
If anyone knows a really good fish pun, let minnow.
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
Ban singing in football stadiums? No chants.
I’m reading an excellent book about where people keep their cutlery; it’s top drawer.
I like to sing songs without choruses, but usually I refrain.
Would you like to know my secret to being a successful mime artist? I’m saying nothing.
My wife asked me to mend the plug on her fan; I simply refused.
Why do you never hear a pterodactyl use a toilet? Because the P is silent.
I haven’t done the hokey cokey in years. As you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.
I just read an advert for a job inspecting mirrors; I could really see myself doing that.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps; but I’m slowly getting over it.
People who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.
Picasso once had a job as a stadium illustrator; he always drew a big crowd.
I worked in a paperless office once; everyone avoided the toilets.
The invention of the pickaxe was ground breaking.
I had to fire a masseuse today; she was rubbing people up the wrong way.
Apparently, the Sydney Opera House is off quay.
I have a very successful business building yachts in the attic; sails are going through the roof.
I often get a lift from an old school friend who always drives in reverse gear; we do go back a long way.
People keep telling me I’m too sceptical, but I don’t believe them.
I found some great puns at the drapers while I was looking for new material.
This book of incantations is useless; the author didn’t use a spell checker.
I’ve ordered a reversible jacket; I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
I used to enjoy archery, but it has its drawbacks.
Will glass coffins prove popular? Remains to be seen.
If you were sent down for a few years, it could be used to stuff quilts.
I know a professor who had his appendix removed, but he still has a full set of footnotes and an extensive bibliography.
Parachute For Sale: only used once, never opened, small stain.
I don’t like my tennis coach’s serve, so I keep returning it.
I swallowed some food colouring by accident and now I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I used to hate maths but then I realised decimals have a point.
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
Last year I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet.
My therapist has suggested I take something for my kleptomania.
There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
On maps of Florida the key is always at the bottom.
I wonder which bright spark invented fire?
I’ve started a joke courier business; I can’t take anything seriously.
My daughter said I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
I was almost crushed recently by a pile of books, but I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
I’ve just been on iTunes trying to sync ‘The Titanic’.
Dry erase boards are remarkable.
A man walks into a betting shop and asks “Can I back a horse in here?” The bookmaker nods, so the man shouts “Okay Jim, back her in!”
Two cats are swimming across a river. One’s name is ‘One Two Three’ and the other’s name is ‘Un Deux Trois.’ Who makes it across? One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
What’s the bear minimum? One bear.
I went to a duck fancying club once. It was pretty fowl.
I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
Some things that I like, appreciate, use and think about…
Enthusiastically | Frequently | Occasionally | Specifically | Previously
But not in any particular order… ah, well, actually they’re in alphabetical order ►
| Afternoon tea | Airfix |
| Alaska | Alzheimer’s Society |
| Amnesty International | Archery |
| Art galleries | Atheism |
| Avaaz | BBC |
| Beaches | Beatles |
| Berlin | Bettys Café Tea Rooms |
| Birmingham | Black Adder |
| Blogging | Blondie |
| Blueberry pancakes, bacon and maple syrup | Books |
| Bookshops | Boston |
| Bread | Breakfast |
| Brussels | Brussels sprouts |
| California | Carl Sagan |
| Castles | Cats |
| Cheese | Chicago |
| Chocolate | Cinema |
| Coastline | Coffee |
| Comedy | Cotton |
| Cumbria | Dawn chorus |
| Death Valley | Delicious bookmarking |
| Derbyshire | deviantART |
| Devon | Douglas Adams |
| Draft Guinness | Dr Who |
| Eating | Edinburgh |
| Family | |
| Fawlty Towers | Fencing |
| Ferns | Foo Fighters |
| Fruit | Genealogy |
| George Carlin | Glasgow |
| Google+ | Google Chrome |
| Grand Canyon | Graphic design |
| Groucho Marx | Hancock’s Half Hour |
| Hats | Helvetica |
| History | Holidays |
| Hotel Chocolat | Hot weather |
| Humour | Iain M Banks |
| Ian Dury and the Blockheads | I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue |
| Interlaken | Internet |
| iPhone | Jazz |
| John Lewis Partnership | Just a Minute |
| Lady Gaga | Laughing |
| Leather | Leeds |
| Leicester | Lego |
| Liberalism | |
| Maine | Maps |
| Marmite | Merlot |
| Milton Jones | Monty Python |
| Morecambe and Wise | MSWord |
| Museums | Music |
| Neil deGrasse Tyson | Newcastle |
| New England | News |
| Newspapers | New York |
| Northumberland | Norway |
| Nottingham | Nuts |
| Oak trees | Oslo |
| Paper | Parks |
| Paris | PC |
| Photography | Pianos |
| Pink Floyd | Pinot Grigio |
| Pinot Noir | |
| Ponds | Prague |
| Public libraries | Public transport |
| Punk Rock | Puns |
| Punsr | QR Codes |
| Radio 4 | Railways |
| Reading | Robin Hood Tax |
| Rock pools | Rolling countryside |
| Rolling Stones | San Francisco |
| Savannah | Saxophones |
| Scotland | Seattle |
| Sequentiality | Sheffield |
| Shopping | Sid Meier’s Civilization |
| Sir Patrick Moore | Snowdonia |
| Social networking | Speculative fiction |
| Spicy food | Spring |
| Star Trek | Steam engines |
| Stephen Fry | Stone |
| Stranglers | Strawberries |
| Sushi | Switzerland |
| Tea | Teddy bears |
| Television | Tim Minchin |
| Toast | Tommy Cooper |
| Torchwood | Toronto |
| Touchscreens | Trams |
| Travelling | Trees |
| Twitpic | |
| Typography | Vancouver |
| Venice | Victor Borge |
| Violins | Wargaming |
| Washington DC | Water |
| Wikipedia | Wimbledon Championship |
| Wine | Wood |
| Woodland | Word play |
| WordPress | Words |
| Yoga | Yorkshire |
| Yosemite National Park | Zurich |
I bought some new electric garden trimmers; they’re cutting-hedge technology.
‘VENI, VEDI, VISA’: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
I thought I’d visit some different stores, but when you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
I think the local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew its seams.
Never get behind the Devil in a Post Office queue, for the Devil has many forms.
I’m going to a local shop for the first time; I’ve no idea what’s in store.
A ladder has been stolen from a hardware store; the manager says that further steps will be taken.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers today, but I couldn’t find any.
Plastic surgery is very expensive; amputations cost an arm and a leg.
Why can’t fishmongers be more generous? Because their business makes them sell fish.
I went to the music shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said: ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’
A shopkeeper just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might be a heroine dealer.
I went to the hardware store to buy a curtain rod and the manager asked me how long I’d want it; so I told him I’d like to keep it.
Our baker has a sense of humour; he bakes wry bread.
I’ve bought one of those memory foam cushions, but I can’t remember where I put it.
The bicycle shop owner broke his ankle and was unable to peddle his wares.
At the grocery store a dangerous new strain of bacteria has been found in packs of soft butter; and it spreads easily.
I know I’ve bought lots of Velcro cable grips, but I can’t find any now. I must be losing my grip.
A pub started brewing in-house because they loved draught beer, but in the end, they bottled it.
I saw a huge new funeral parlour opening today; it was quite an undertaking.
Our butcher sells sausages online; but the link’s broken.
Our butcher backed into his meat slicer; now he’s got a little behind in his work.
Our butcher had to sell all his rabbits and pheasants, because he didn’t want to give the game away.
I bought eight legs of venison from our butcher for £40; is that two deer?
I asked our butcher if he had a capon, but he said; “No, who do you think I am, Batman?”
I bought some Toulouse sausages today, now I can’t find them; they must have been too easy Toulouse.
I only asked for a leg of lamb from the butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.
Horse meat was once sold in a lot of British butcher shops, but they were flogging a dead horse.
In the café today I tried to grab something to drink my milkshake with, but I was just clutching at straws.
A car showroom used to smuggle cars into the country, until they were convicted of trafficking.
I bought my wife a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle; I don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.
I’ve ordered some German food over the internet; the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.
I recently bought some very expensive perfume as a gift; I’ve no common scents.
Stationery traffic has been blamed on the huge number of vehicles delivering envelopes & writing paper.
“Do you sell hot water bottles?” ~ “I’m afraid not; have you tried Boots?” ~ “Yes, but the water comes out of the lace holes”
I managed to buy twelve rare collectable postcards for only 10 US cents, but then found out they were a dime a dozen.
I decided against a takeaway, because the shop owner had a chip on his shoulder.
I drove to the supermarket with a tiny carrot; I was in such a hurry I had to take the shortest root.
Milliners are very irritable; they can get angry at the drop of a hat.
Stephen Fry is an English actor, comedian, author, journalist, broadcaster and film director. He is also a celebrated national treasure, cultural icon and British institution. This is a small collection of quotations attributed to him.
“My mother, yes, she believed in me, but everybody’s mother believes in them. No one else believed in me.”
“…but I felt I had also the power to create, to add, to delight, to amaze and to transform.”
“I believed in ghosts more than I believed in me, and take my word for it, I never believed in ghosts…”
“I’m far too spiritual and emotional and passionate to believe in the supernatural.”
“Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.”
“There’s no doubt that I do have extremes of mood that are greater than just about anybody else I know.”
“You can’t reason yourself back into cheerfulness any more than you can reason yourself into an extra six inches in height.”
“Generally, we admire the thing we are not.”
“You are who you are when nobody’s watching.”
“Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.”
“When you’ve seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.”
“We’ve all met people who are supposedly incredibly intelligent but don’t know which way to sit on a lavatory.”
“Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties.”
“Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business – which at least does us all some good.”
“How can one not be fond of something that the Daily Mail despises?”
“If you go looking for loonies and religious fanatics and dropouts and freaks, I dare say you’ll find it.”
“An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.”
“There is so much we can learn from TV. It’s a window on the world.”
“I’ve always had great respect for Paddington because he is amusingly English and eccentric.”
“Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the word’s full octave.”
“Taste every fruit of every tree in the garden at least once. It is an insult to creation not to experience it fully.”
“I am a lover of truth, a worshipper of freedom, a celebrant at the altar of language and purity and tolerance.”
“I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.”
“The only reason people do not know much is because they do not care to know. They are incurious.”
“Incuriosity is the oddest and most foolish failing there is.”
“One technology doesn’t replace another, it complements. Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.”
“…we should be wary of false dichotomies. You do not have to choose between one or the other. You can have both.”
“I don’t watch television; I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself.”
“…books are powerhouses of knowledge, and therefore they’re kind of slightly dark and dangerous.”
“I think I have always linked smoking and sex. Maybe this is where I have been going wrong all my life.”
“It’s so easy to say, ‘That’ll do.’ Everyone’s in a hurry. People are intellectually lazy, morally lazy, ethically lazy…”
“We abrogate the responsibility for thought & moral decisions onto others & then have the luxury of saying it’s not good enough”
“It only takes a room of Americans for the English and Australians to realise how much we have in common.”
“It is a cliché that most clichés are true, but then like most clichés, that cliché is untrue.”
“The human cultural jungle should be as varied and plural as the Amazonian rainforest. We are all richer for biodiversity.”
How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? There’s no such thing as aliens… anyway they’re too short and only use glowballs.
How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the entire collective will be thinking about it.
How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s not rocket science.
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’ll need at least three light bulbs.
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one; they don’t like to share the spotlight.
How many librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but I can look it up for you.
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? It depends on what you want them to change it into.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.
How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the new bulb probably won’t work either.
How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb might start working again.
How many historians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know; that’s not my period.
How many public relations staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re supposed to keep you in the dark.
How many voyeurs does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’d much rather watch someone else do it.
How many haters does it take to change a light bulb? None; they fear change, even if it can make the world a brighter place.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
How many IT tech staff does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and on again?
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? Cats don’t change light bulbs; they have servants for that.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb will change itself when it’s ready.
How many council staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; the work’s been outsourced.
How many censors does it take to change a light bulb? ███; one to ████, another to ███ while █ ███ ██ with ███.
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Four; one to change the bulb and three to brag about how big it is.
How many Thought Police does it take to change a light bulb? None; there ‘never was’ a light bulb…
How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? None; you’ll never get their attention.
How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s a hardware problem.
How many tech-support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring…
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and another to change it back again.
How many government ministers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they sack someone else for letting it go out.
How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to carry out a risk assessment.
How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb? Three; one to change it and two to argue about its age.
How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb? Sorry, we closed a few seconds ago.
How many proof readers does it take to light a change blub? Sorry, I didn’t sea that won.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Two; the new one and the old one.
How many advertising executives does it take to change a light bulb? None; dark is a brand new feature of the bulb.
How many chickens does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to cross the road.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? No chance, but the cat wants to know when the light will be repaired, when its food will be served up, and when a proper massage will begin?
How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb? One; plus or minus three (small sample size).
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? None ‘o yo’ damn business!!
How many Mensa members does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb isn’t bright enough.
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? None; Klingons aren’t afraid of the dark.
How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000.
How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? Irrelevant; you will be assimilated and change it for us.
How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.
How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the light bulb and one to hold the penis, mother, I mean LADDER!
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don’t ask me how they got in there!
How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? “I can’t tell whether you mean ‘change’ a light bulb or ‘have sex’ in a light bulb. Can we reword it to remove the ambiguity?”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to rotate it and one to give it an unexpected twist at the end.
How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? One, no two, no four, no eight, no…
How many Catholic Priests / C of E Vicars / Orthodox Rabbis (delete as applicable) does it take to change light bulb? “Change? Change??!”
How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two; one to change it and one to protest that it should be ‘light bulb’.
How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re not interested in that short wave stuff.
How many Bob Dylan fans does it take to change a light bulb? The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 42,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 10 Film Festivals
For @xjazzy13 ► official #Oreogirl member and Minister of Chocolate.
“When choosing between two #Oreos, I always pick the one I never tried before.”
“Is that an #Oreo in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
“Save an #Oreo for a rainy day, and another, in case it doesn’t rain.”
“When I’m good, I’m very good. But when I’ve an #Oreo I’m better.”
“Why don’t you come on up and #Oreo me sometime.”
“I’ll try any #Oreo once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.”
“Don’t keep a man guessing too long; he’s sure to find an #Oreo somewhere else.”
“So many #Oreos… so little time.”
“I never loved another person the way I loved #Oreos.”
“I generally avoid an #Oreo unless I can’t resist it.”
“Too much of an #Oreo can be wonderful.”
“A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald, but if he has #Oreos, women will like him.”
“An #Oreo in the house is worth two in the street.”
“An #Oreo worth doing is worth doing slowly.”
“#Oreos conquer all things except poverty and toothache.”
“I only have ‘yes’ #Oreos around me. Who needs ‘no’ #Oreos?”
“I speak two languages, #Oreo and English.”
“It’s not the men in my life that count; it’s the life in my #Oreos.”
“I didn’t discover #Oreos; I only uncovered them.”
“Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of #Oreos.”
“I’m a woman of very few words, but lots of #Oreos.”
“I only like two kinds of #Oreos, domestic and imported.”
“Love isn’t an emotion or an instinct; it’s an #Oreo.”
“If I asked for an #Oreo, someone would search for the double meaning.”
“It ain’t no sin if you crack a few #Oreos now and then, just so long as you don’t break any.”
“Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman an #Oreo.”
“#Oreos are the most important thing to an actress’s success.”
“Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with an #Oreo.”
“If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too many #Oreos are just about right!”
“The #Oreo is more powerful than the sword.”
“One more #Oreo and I’ll be under the host.”
“The best way to hold an #Oreo is in your arms.”
“Too many girls follow the line of least resistance, but a good #Oreo is hard to resist.”
“I see you’re a man with #Oreos. I better be going while you’ve still got them.”
“Any time you got nothing to do, and lots of #Oreos, come on up.”
“#Oreos are easy to get but hard to keep.”
“#Oreos are an asset to the woman in love who’s smart enough to hide ‘em.”
“An ounce of #Oreo is worth pounds of promises.”
“If you put your #Oreo in it, be sure it’s your best #Oreo.”
“Love thy neighbour; and if he happens to be tall, debonair and has #Oreos, it will be that much easier.”
Sitting down, he began to tell his girlfriend about his day; she listened patiently, her lifeless, glassy eyes staring.
I woke in the middle of the night and felt my dog jump onto the bed; felt her breath and her… scaly skin…
She woke up to find the empty apartment littered with Polaroids of her, asleep…
He had always loved his mother dearly and, after her death, he found comfort in her familiar but cold embrace…
The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door…
Terrified, I snapped the bolt across and ducked under the covers. Then a voice said; “Now we’re both locked in for the night…”
He looked down at his shadow. He could feel the cold biting at his ears. He looked at his shadow again; it wasn’t the cold…
She shuffles through the leaves, holding the small hand by her side. But the hand is cooling now and it still drips…
He tripped and fell, the contents of his pack emptied out; his late wife lay in bloody pieces, strewn across the floor.
In the dark ~ Naomi mistook ~ a shard of glass ~ for her contact lens
She woke from a disturbed sleep and stared, shivering, at the writing on her wall; “You are so beautiful when you sleep.”
As he raised his hand to hit her she put a bullet through his head. Then she sat by his body for a while, until it stirred…
I smile when I arrive home and hear my wife singing to our baby upstairs. Then she texts me: “I’ll be home late; traffic.”
“Do you love me?” Said the figure with outstretched arms, shuffling out of the dark hallway, wearing the skin of his wife.
The gentle night breeze briefly blew the curtains open, revealing a pale face peering in through the open window…
As he climbed the stairs, he glanced at the reflection in the window… and caught a glimpse of something just behind him.
He woke to the baby’s cry & the memory of his wife. The wail stopped & he smiled… until he saw who was nursing the baby.
As he fell into the water of the old quarry he saw, just under the surface, hundreds of eyes, black and wide with hunger…
Father was a butcher and very good at it. She learned early on not to get attached, but she did love to hear them beg…
A tweet from an old friend. He smiled and replied. He Googled him. A chill ran up his spine. His friend died last week.
I feel a solid wall above me, below me and all around me, now the sense of panic rises uncontrollably…
She slowly entered the kitchen, breath condensing and heart pounding; she heard a scratching… it was the cat trying to get in.
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