How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb?


A small collection of ‘light bulb’ jokes; prompted by the glowing and vibrant Bright Ideas Nottingham.


How many men does it take to change a light bulb?How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? There’s no such thing as aliens… anyway they’re too short and only use glowballs.

How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the entire collective will be thinking about it.

How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s not rocket science.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’ll need at least three light bulbs.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one; they don’t like to share the spotlight.

How many librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but I can look it up for you.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? It depends on what you want them to change it into.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.

How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the new bulb probably won’t work either.

How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb might start working again.

How many historians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know; that’s not my period.

How many public relations staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re supposed to keep you in the dark.

How many voyeurs does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’d much rather watch someone else do it.

How many haters does it take to change a light bulb? None; they fear change, even if it can make the world a brighter place.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many IT tech staff does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and on again?

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? Cats don’t change light bulbs; they have servants for that.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb will change itself when it’s ready.

How many council staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; the work’s been outsourced.

How many censors does it take to change a light bulb? ███; one to ████, another to ███ while █ ███ ██ with ███.

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Four; one to change the bulb and three to brag about how big it is.

How many Thought Police does it take to change a light bulb? None; there ‘never was’ a light bulb…

How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? None; you’ll never get their attention.

How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s a hardware problem.

How many tech-support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring…

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and another to change it back again.

How many government ministers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they sack someone else for letting it go out.

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to carry out a risk assessment.

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb? Three; one to change it and two to argue about its age.

How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb? Sorry, we closed a few seconds ago.

How many proof readers does it take to light a change blub? Sorry, I didn’t sea that won.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Two; the new one and the old one.

How many advertising executives does it take to change a light bulb? None; dark is a brand new feature of the bulb.

How many chickens does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to cross the road.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? No chance, but the cat wants to know when the light will be repaired, when its food will be served up, and when a proper massage will begin?

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb? One; plus or minus three (small sample size).

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? None ‘o yo’ damn business!!

How many Mensa members does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb isn’t bright enough.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the bulb and one not to change it.

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? None; Klingons aren’t afraid of the dark.

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000.

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? Irrelevant; you will be assimilated and change it for us.

How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the light bulb and one to hold the penis, mother, I mean LADDER!

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don’t ask me how they got in there!

How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? “I can’t tell whether you mean ‘change’ a light bulb or ‘have sex’ in a light bulb. Can we reword it to remove the ambiguity?”

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to rotate it and one to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? One, no two, no four, no eight, no…

How many Catholic Priests / C of E Vicars / Orthodox Rabbis (delete as applicable) does it take to change light bulb? “Change? Change??!”

How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two; one to change it and one to protest that it should be ‘light bulb’.

How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re not interested in that short wave stuff.

How many Bob Dylan fans does it take to change a light bulb? The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.



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Puns and word-play


Even shorter jokes

Time flies like an arrowBroken pencils are pointless.

I read magazines periodically.

Clones are people two.

Geese grow up and grow down at the same time.

The writing is on the wall for graffiti.

River valleys are gorgeous.

I’m itching to visit a Flea Market.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Drilling holes for water is well boring.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

After M and T my diary says WTF.

Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8th

Queen bees often come out in hives.

I’ve sold my homing pigeon eight times on eBay.

Sparkling water is still water.

Spoonerists are teople poo.

There are many misconceptions about pregnancy.

Whales are weighed at a whale weigh station.

William Tell’s son was the apple of his eye.

People say love is blind, but I can’t see it myself.

Being castrated is a eunuch experience.

Amputations cost an arm and a leg.

Bee stings are in the hand of the bee holder.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Do hotel managers get board with their jobs?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Root canal work is deeply unnerving.

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

Why was the broom late? It overswept.

Which cheese is made backwards? Edam.

How do you get Holy Water? Boil the hell out of it.

Milliners get angry at the drop of a hat.

Noah kept bees in the ark hives.

My bucket isn’t very well; it’s a little pail.

Polite children take after their parents.

Pouring from teapots is a strain.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

Fatigues are tired uniforms.

I have a yen to visit Tokyo.

Consciousness; that annoying time between naps.

Subservient fish know their plaice.

What’s green and runs around the garden? A hedge.

Genetic scientists wear eau de clone.

When chemists die, they barium.

Electrons have mass, therefore they are Catholic.

What’s red and invisible? No tomatoes.

I’ve found a hole in my sock; darn it!

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

My ventriloquist’s dummy is already spoken for.

Aesop was famous for his foibles.

Walking on hot coals is no mean feet.

Apparently the Dalai Lama is not actually a Llama.

If you sit on a pumpkin, does it become a squash?

If a clock’s hungry it goes back four seconds.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Hermaphroditism is an end in itself.

Business is looking up for astronomers.

French philosophers vie for the meaning of life.

The French version of ‘Cats’ is a chat show.

I’m so thirsty I could drink Canada Dry.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

I’m a big fan of wind turbines.

What’s another word for thesaurus?

Idioms are for the birds.

What’s the speed of dark?

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

I avoid clichés like the plague.

What’s another word for synonym?

I don’t remember being absent minded.

Homonyms are a reel waist of thyme.

Hyperbole is the BEST THING EVER!

An unemployed jester is nobody’s fool.

What do quantum whales eat? Planckton.

The Mexican train killer had locomotives.

A knighthood would be quite a sir prize.

Whenever I see a broken lift I tend to stair.

Hunting wild pigs is boaring.

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

Lif is too short.

Turning vegan was a big missed steak.

Cuddling a cat gives you a good feline.

A good artist knows where to draw the line.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

Sign language is handy.

Tea is for mugs.

PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

I am sick and tried of auto correct jokes.

Cannibals like to meat people.

I can’t stand sitting.

I tried to catch some fog, but mist.

Life as a yo-yo has its ups and downs.

I just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.

I don’t make predictions, and I never will.

How do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

A good pun is its own reword.



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Puns and word-play


Yet another selection of jokes and word play

I want to learn how to make ice-cream, so I’m going to sundae school.

On the stock exchange today, helium was up, feathers were down and paper was stationary.

Why did the biscuit cry? Because his mother was a wafer too long.

When police officers get cold they go undercover.

Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

Trainee pilots are nervous because their future is always up in the air.

I’d quite like to be a millionaire just like my dad; he always wanted to be a millionaire too.

I saw someone on the beach shouting “Help, shark! Help!” You have to laugh; that shark’s never going to help him.

Sunglasses are a bit like Facebook; you can stare at people without getting caught.

One tiny mistake can ruin everything you’ve worked so hard for; Tetris can be so damned annoying.

There’s a time and place for wasting your life away and this is it.

Don’t you just hate it when people use words that Google can’t find?

James Bond once slept right through an earthquake; he was shaken, not stirred.

I couldn’t afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive and steel wool.

Bakers with a sense of humour bake wry bread.

The best way to make an apple crumble is to torture it for 10 minutes.

A car showroom used to smuggle cars into the country, until they were convicted of trafficking.

A dangerous new strain of bacteria has been found in packs of soft butter; and it spreads easily.

Three of my fingers are willing, but my thumb and forefinger are opposed.

Police are searching for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lighted match; they want to catch him before he strikes again.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses three thousand times the memory.

Experience is great: it allows you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

Mathematical puns are the first sine of madness.

By the time you can make ends meet, somebody has moved the ends.

If everything seems to be going well, you have probably overlooked something.

Madness takes its toll; please have the exact change ready.

One good thing about egotists; they don’t talk about other people.

I always wanted to be a pharmacist, because I grew up on a pharm.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a baby horse and made a complete foal of myself.

Although he was afraid of mice, it didn’t keep him from eeking out a living at a pet store.

How do you make a whale float? A glass of soda, a scoop of ice cream and a whale.

An old gag: When the author of the hokey cokey died it was a nightmare getting him in the coffin; everytime they put his left leg in…

A French restaurant had five dishwashers; they were known as the kitchen cinq.

A jellyfish walked into a hardware shop and bought ten drills.

When ceiling fans were invented, they were considered revolutionary.

If anyone knows the shortest word in the English language containing the letters A, B, C, D, E and F, I’d welcome FEEDBACK.

Our cat did really well in the milk-drinking competition; he licked the competition and won by six laps.

I couldn’t make my mind up whether to set our scales to pounds or kilos, and then I decided either weigh would do.

The Bicycle Wheel Manufacturers Association has appointed a new spokes-person.

I used to go to an origami class, until it folded.

It’s always best to use teabags, as all proper tea is theft.

The knight walked into the blacksmith’s shop and the blacksmith said; “come in, you’ve got mail.”

A man walked into a bar and asked for a pitcher full of beer, so the bartender gave him a drunken baseball player.

Looking up at the stars tonight, I began to ask some profound questions like… “Where the hell is the shed roof?”

How do you get to Wales in a Mini; one in the back and one in the front.

How do you get two whales in a Mini; down the M4 and over the Severn Bridge.

Support bacteria! It’s the only culture some people have.

Women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.

Gas powered aircraft were never successful; in strong winds the pilot used to go out.

Squirrels swim on their back to keep their nuts dry.

Drat, I forgot to go to the gym again today; that’s 42 years in a row now.

Coming soon, timepieces for astronauts; watch this space!

No one could play cards on the ark, because Noah sat on the deck.

I was going to tweet a really good joke about apathy, but I can’t be bothered.

My favourite outdoor activity is coming back inside.

Interesting; apparently you can go to the gym without mentioning in on Twitter or Facebook.

I’ve made my lawn chicken-proof; it’s impeccable.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.

Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

Someone just told me I’m delusional! I nearly fell off my unicorn.

Is anyone else worried about that 0.01% of germs that can’t be killed?

Can you imagine the self control you’d need if you worked in a bubble wrap factory?

I never make the same mistake twice; four or five times usually covers it.

When one door closes another one opens; that’s yet another reason the car needs servicing.

How is it that in maths problems you can buy 75 cantaloupes and no one asks why?

If a racing driver’s wheel failed during a race, he’d have to re-tyre.

If you crossed a dog with a chicken, would you get pooched eggs?

If I download 1,000 puns from the Internet, I’d be well e-quipped.

A shepherd drove his flock of sheep through town and got a traffic ticket for making a ewe turn.

An X-ray specialist married one of her patients and everyone wondered what she saw in him.

I’m trying to lose weight by going to the paint store; apparently you can get thinner there.

I have a huge peak on my baseball cap; it’s my supervisor.

If you had to choose between your partner and £1,000,000, what is the first thing you would buy?

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

House training your dog might be a great idea, but it doesn’t look good on paper.

What happens when sound advice falls upon deaf ears?

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands. (This joke never grows old)

Make the little things count; teach maths to young children.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing; they just waved.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.

If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

As the shoe said to the hat; “You go on a head and I’ll follow on foot.”

I saw an enza virus outside; I opened the window and influenza.

A letter from NHS Blood and Transplant said I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

I know someone who’s addicted to brake fluid; he says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Native Americans were the first people to arrive in the continent because they had reservations.

The Energiser Bunny has been arrested and charged with battery.

If you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Does anyone know who Quasimodo is? It doesn’t ring any bells with me.

The book I published about failure has been a great success; it didn’t sell.

I didn’t like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.

My deafness has been cured; I never thought I’d hear myself saying that.



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Puns and word-play


Even more short jokes

Even more short jokesIf a mime is arrested, do they have the right to remain silent?

My long-haired friend was fired from the hot dog stand for putting his hair in a bun.

I can’t choose between silver and gold; it could be either ore.

An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks; the nephew is now busy winding up the estate.

I find falling asleep is so easy I could do it with my eyes closed.

Forklift truck drivers don’t like puns; they find them unpalletable.

If a tortoise doesn’t have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

The new Elvis Presley themed steakhouses are for people who love meat tender.

Tractors are magic; I followed one recently that suddenly turned into a field.

To oceanographers, things are never bad, they’re abyss-mal.

Lightning always shocks people, because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

Do ambassadors stay healthy because of diplomatic immunity?

A relative ate wheat even though he was allergic to it; he was a gluten for punishment.

Good King Wenceslas likes his pizza deep-pan, crisp and even.

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!

The boy stood on the burning deck; it was the only way he could put out the flames on his pack of cards.

If a spider lives in a maize field, does it make cob webs?

Fish take their holidays in Finland.

I asked a horse if he had a dollar. He replied “No, but I have fore quarters.”

Autocorrect is always making me post things I didn’t Nintendo.

‘Do not touch’ must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.

My goal was to lose 14lbs this year, I’ve only 20lbs to go now…

Some things are so easy today; as a youngster I had to struggle through 10 feet of shag pile carpet to change the TV channel.

Do I have to seize the day; can’t I just poke it gently with a stick?

Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol can double your vision.

Why buy something for £3 when you can make it yourself with £65 worth of craft materials?

My parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Apparently this is now called identity theft…

The first rule of the Railway Enthusiasts Book Club is to not read between the lines.

Two scientists studying fungi and algae became friends after they took a lichen to each other.

When psychiatrists give presents, are they always shrink wrapped?

A friend lost his left arm and left leg in an accident; he’s all right now.

I saw an exceptionally good scarecrow; it was out standing in its field.

My friend left her gloves in a secluded cave, still, they were hermits.

A man, who dreamt he was a wheel on a car and then a catalytic converter, woke up tired and exhausted.

A farmer has a herd of 200 cattle; he thought there were only 197 until he rounded them up.

I’ve damaged some small pieces of my chess set, so I took them to a pawn broker.

One of my ancestors tried prospecting for gold, but it didn’t pan out.

The local priest has been making the Sign of the Cross so often; he’s had to stop counting his blessings.

Cows wear cowbells because their horns don’t work.

I was going to procrastinate now, but I’ve decided to do it later.

Would you be in Seine if you jumped off a bridge in Paris?

A burglar fell into a cement mixer and became a hardened criminal.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

I bought a birthday card shaped like a boomerang; it said ‘Many Happy Returns’.

What do you get if you cross a canary with a mole? A mynah bird.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

In a Chinese geography test Peking is no longer allowed.

I had a very happy childhood. Dad loved to put me inside a tyre and roll me downhill. Those were the good years.

The Canadian government has set up a lottery, only for people in the north. You have to be Inuit to win it.

I phoned Seaworld the other day. They told me, ‘your call may be monitored for training porpoises.’

“You won’t like me when I’m angry. I back up my rage with documented facts and sources.” ~ The Credible Hulk

If you divide the diameter of a jack-o’-lantern by its circumference, do you get pumpkin Pi?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine yesterday is now fully recovered.

My neighbour couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist, so he was repossessed.

Police have been called to a nursery where a child was resisting a rest.

I’ve washed a set of hand bells, but I can’t wring them out.

The inebriated optician only had two glasses before he made a spectacle of himself.

I’ve just bought a three season bed; there’s no spring.

A friend of mine ran into a sieve, but he just strained himself.

Most money is tainted; it taint yours and it taint mine.

I was taken ill at the airport; it was serious, but not terminal.

I apologise; I saw a chiropractor, not an osteopath. I stand corrected.

The Dutchman with inflatable footwear has popped his clogs.

If you ate a lifetime’s supply of chocolate in one day, should you be worried?

I could explain why I have a superiority complex, but I doubt you’d understand.

When it comes to dictionaries, everyone is past caring.

People who copy and paste jokes from Facebook are idiots. Like • Comment • Share  A few seconds ago

Will you buy me chocolate? (A) Yes – (B) A – (C) B

Went to buy 6 cans of Sprite recently; it was only when I got home that I realised I’d picked 7up.

lol = Drowning Man. *lol* = Drowning Cheerleader.

I’ve just been given a framed picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa; I can’t get the damn thing to hang straight.

You should never run away from your problems. Unless your problem is a very large predator with big teeth.

We’ve just bought a new fridge; you should have seen my face light up when I opened it.

Tough, hard, durable… Sorry, I don’t usually use strong language.

I’ve attached a clock to a mirror; now I have time for reflection.

German no-frills supermarkets are taking over the country Lidl by Lidl, but Aldi you stop it?

Interesting, my new keyboard has a safety notice: “WARNING Using this keyboard may cause drowsi

I’ve just realised; the dawn chorus involves an awful lot of RTs.

Another washday and another sad statistic; the divorce rate among our socks is shocking.

If I had to describe myself with three words they would be “I’m really bad at maths”.

The Zen Master went up to the hot-dog stand and said; “Make me one with everything.”

I used to think I had attention deficit disorder, but now I’m n… Oooh look an insect!

The dentist and the manicurist fought tooth and nail.

I found an illegally parked frog in the garden and had it toad away.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. They also say revenge is sweet. Basically revenge is ice cream.

Apparently the main ingredient in anti-bacterial hand wash is paranoia.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.

I’m a graphic designer by day and dragon slayer by knight.

Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism, stealing from many people is research.

Learn to laugh at your own problems; everyone else does.

People think I’m too patronising… that means I talk down to people.

Buses stop at a bus station, trains stop at a train station; now I’m concerned about my work station.

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult.

I just watched a pirated movie; it got 3.14 stars.

And the award for incomplete tweets goes to

Would you like to know my secret to being a successful mime artist? I’m saying nothing.

What do we want? A cure for pyromania! When do we want it? Got a light?

The letter seven is my favourite colour of the periodic table of elephants.

Weetabix was called Betabix while it was in its production stage.

Why is the third hand on a clock called a second hand?

Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is gridlocked traffic called rush hour?

Why can’t you buy mouse flavoured cat food?

Why is the Department of the Interior in charge of everything outside?

When you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo.

If you’re injured by a dictionary, is it physical or verbal abuse?

If you’re tempted to fight fire with fire, just remember that the Fire Service often uses water.

I often say no to chocolate, but it just doesn’t listen.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I found the key to success once, but I think someone changed the lock.

Don’t be tempted by cheap hair removal offers; they’re a rip-off.

Did you know there are interstate highways in Hawaii?

If carrots are good for your eyes, why are there so many dead rabbits on the road?

I put on some lipstick today, but I can still move my lips.

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it still called skinny-dipping if you’re no longer skinny?

If four out of five people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Why isn’t a group of squids called a squad?

I’m really addicted to Spanish-Arab architecture; it’s just so Moorish.

What’s the difference between ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many people is research.

During a game of Monopoly the Boot and the Car met by Chance.

What’s large, grey and doesn’t matter? An Irrelephant.

I once bought a dog from a blacksmith; when I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?

Our dachshund has died; it met its end sniffing round a lamp post.

I’ve removed all the rear-view mirrors in my car and haven’t looked back since.

As a waiter I was put in charge of the condiments, but I couldn’t cut the mustard.

A really bad impressionist walked into a bar and the barman said: “Why the wrong face?”

I’ve noticed that it’s a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Seagulls live near the sea because if they lived near a bay, they’d be bagels.

I saw a skunk fall into a river once; it stank to the bottom.

Things I hate:
1) Negativity
2) Irony
3) Lists

Now I’m older, when I have a party my neighbours don’t even notice.

I once had a job delivering telegrams, but I had to [STOP].

I was tempted to post a cannibal joke, but I realised it was in bad taste.

I’ve been feeling down in the mouth since my feather pillow split.

My torch batteries need replacing; I’m delighted.

I’ve always found that the best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.

I try to avoid funerals; I’m not really a mourning person.

Pinning things on a notice board always seems a bit tacky to me.

Which is worse; ignorance or apathy? Who knows! Who cares!

I dyed some of my hair today; it was the highlight of my week.

My English teacher always told me that double negatives are a real no-no.

You’ll never guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians. Everyone.

Necessity is the mother of Invention; we all have quite unusual names in our family.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

I had a bat and ball for Christmas. The ball’s fun, but the bat just hangs upside down in the cellar.

I never make mistakes… I thought I did once; but I was wrong.

What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it man.

I used to keep a torch on my hat, but it made me feel light headed.

What’s the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally.

When I was learning to ride a horse I had trouble dismounting, so the tutor derided me.

People in Saudi Arabia don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.

Why are pirates called pirates? They just AarrRR!

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff, ba dum tish!

If Apple made cars, would they have Windows?

US scientists are hoping to make a quick buck by combining deer and greyhound DNA.

What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field. It’s a tough job, but hay, it’s in his jeans.

I used to enjoy going to fancy dress parties as a fish, but it’s wearing a little fin now.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roaming Catholic.

If you say ‘gullible’ slowly it sounds like ‘oranges’.

Someone knocked on our door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool; apparently a glass of water isn’t acceptable.

I know multitasking is a myth, but I can still waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.

Life is all about perspective; the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

Aren’t people annoying when they use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Intelligence is like underwear; it’s important to have it, but not to show it off.

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

What’s an ig? ~ An Inuit home without a loo.

Why did cowboys always die with their boots on? So they wouldn’t stub their toes when they kicked the bucket.

My Aunt is a flamboyant nun. She wears clerical clothing studded with semiprecious stones; it’s an expensive habit.

What do you call a snowman with sunburn? A puddle.

Whatever you do, don’t type ‘part a’ backwards; it’s a trap!

If you ever feel as though your job is meaningless, just remember; it’s someone’s job to fit indicators to BMW’s.

I asked my boss, “Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” He said, “Just pop it in the corner.” It took me three hours.

Think of a number between 1 and 20, add 32, multiply by 2 and add 1. Now close your eyes.
Dark isn’t it?

Men never really grow up; it’s just that some of us learn how to act in public. Sometimes.

Neptune’s son doesn’t do very well at school; his grades are all below C level.

ASCII stupid question and get a stupid ANSI.

I just bought a new universal remote controller. This really changes everything.

I’m a social vegetarian; I try to avoid meet.

I went to a night club and the manager sat me next to a hole in the carpet so I could see the floor show.

Apparently sheep can help you to fall asleep, and some people count on that.

Today went well until a seabird stole my German sausage; that was a tern for the wurst.

I normally have no problem with dairy, but I’m extremely lack toast intolerant at breakfast time.

Five out of six people agree that Russian roulette is safe.

I can only sleep on stacks of old magazines; I have back issues.

I don’t like afternoon funerals, but I’m not really a mourning person either.

I intended to go to a fancy dress party as Harry Potter’s godfather, but my wife said “You can’t be Sirius”.

I ordered a jumbo sausage at our chip shop, but they said it wouldn’t be long, so I asked for two.

I woke up this morning with a spoon in my mouth, a tea bag on my nose and milk in my right ear; I’m sick of being treated like a mug.

I’m almost certain that my spell Czech is broken.

If you rearrange the letters of ‘Postmen’, they get very annoyed.

I’m eating a bun filled with ham and pineapple; that’s just Hawaii roll.

I’m not a fan of lemon preserve; it’s just a curd to me.

I’ve eaten too much Middle Eastern food and now I falafel.

Lollipop men and women make me cross.

My neighbour’s dog is magic; it’s a Labracadabrador.

Our wifi wasn’t working earlier, so I spent some time with my family; they seem like nice people.

Two horses are in a field on a cold winter’s night. One horse says to the other; “I don’t know about you but I’m Friesian”.

What’s the difference between a horse and the weather? One is reined up and the other rained down…

What’s the difference between weather and climate? You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate…

When two weather presenters each broke both legs, they had problems with their four casts…

Dr Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition, but it was only much later that he realised he had misunderstood the objective.

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two seem odd to me.

You shouldn’t steal kitchen utensils, unless it’s a whisk you’re willing to take.

Two blood cells met and fell in love, but sadly it was all in vein.

Last night I had a nightmare about Gloria Gaynor; at first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Grammar Nazis are now calling themselves the alt-write.

I know the name of every turtle. I have turtle recall.

Death, War, Famine and Pestilence all caught a cold; they were the Four Hoarse Men of the Apocalypse.

Why can’t pirates recite the letters of the alphabet? Because they always get lost at C…

At the last appointment my doctor said he would have to draw some blood, but unfortunately his sketch pad was full.

What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot? Mitosis.

A truck delivering cheese from France has exploded; there was nothing left but de Brie.

Last night I was so drunk I took the bus home. I’ve never driven a bus before.

The first rule of Introvert Club: there is no Introvert Club.

I’ve given up spell check for Lint.

I’ve been bread making. The white and wholemeal loaves were a great success; now I’m on a roll.

I answered the phone today and heard lots of sniffing and sneezing; cold callers can be so annoying.

The Beach Boys walk into a bar…
“Get a round”
“I get a round, yeah?”
“Get a round!”
“Round, round, I get a round…”

I thought I saw Michael J. Fox at the garden centre, but it was hard to tell as he had his back to the fuchsias.

If a polygamist has already married nine times, will his next marriage mean he is decimated?

My childhood friends were paid for being good, but we were so poor that I was good for nothing.

Mountains aren’t just funny; they are hill areas.

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Puns and word-play


Knock, knock…


I don’t think these need an intro…


‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Abyssinia’ ~ ‘Abyssinia who?’ ~ ‘Abyssinia when I get back!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Adair’ ~ ‘Adair who?’ ~ ‘Adair once, but now I’m bald!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Adam’ ~ ‘Adam who?’ ~ ‘Adam up and give me the total!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Adolf’ ~ ‘Adolf who?’ ~ ‘Adolf ball hit me in de mowf!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ahmed’ ~ ‘Ahmed who?’ ~ ‘Ahmed a big mistake coming here!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Aladdin’ ~ ‘Aladdin who?’ ~ ‘Aladdin the street wants a word with you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Alex’ ~ ‘Alex who?’ ~ ‘Alex plain later!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Alfred’ ~ ‘Alfred who?’ ~ ‘Alfred the needle if you sew!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ali’ ~ ‘Ali who?’ ~ ‘Ali Mentary my dear Watson!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Alison’ ~ ‘Alison who?’ ~ ‘Alison to my radio in the mornings!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ammonia’ ~ ‘Ammonia who?’ ~ ‘Ammonia little person and I can’t reach the doorbell!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Amy’ ~ ‘Amy who?’ ~ ‘Amy fraid I’ve forgotten!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Annie’ ~ ‘Annie who?’ ~ ‘Annie one you like!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Arch’ ~ ‘Arch who?’ ~ ‘Gesundheit!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Bashful’ ~ ‘Bashful who?’ ~ ‘I can’t tell you, I’m too bashful!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Beats’ ~ ‘Beats who?’ ~ ‘Beats me, I forgot the joke!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Bigotry’ ~ ‘Bigotry who?’ ~ ‘Bigotry than the one in your garden!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Bless’ ~ ‘Bless who?’ ~ ‘Thanks, but I didn’t sneeze!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Broken pencil’ ~ ‘Broken pencil who?’ ~ ‘Never mind; it’s pointless…’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Chester’ ~ ‘Chester who?’ ~ ‘Chester minute, don’t you recognise me?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Cows’ ~ ‘Cows who?’ ~ ‘No, cows moo!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Danielle’ ~ ‘Danielle who?’ ~ ‘Danielle so loud, I heard you the first time!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Des’ ~ ‘Des who?’ ~ ‘Des no bell, that’s why I’m knocking!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Diana’ ~ ‘Diana who?’ ~ ‘Diana thirst, can I have some water please?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Dishes’ ~ ‘Dishes who?’ ~ ‘Dishes the police, open up!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Dismay’ ~ ‘Dismay who?’ ~ ‘Dismay surprise you, but I want to come in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Doctor’ ~ ‘Doctor who?’ ~ ‘That’s right; where’s my Tardis?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Doorbell Repairman!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Doughnut’ ~ ‘Doughnut who!’ ~ ‘Doughnut open the door whatever you do!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Duke’ ~ ‘Duke who?’ ~ ‘Duke come here often!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Dunnap’ ~ ‘Dunnap who?’ ~ ‘Eeeugh!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Egbert’ ~ ‘Egbert who?’ ~ ‘Egbert no bacon please!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Eileen’ ~ ‘Eileen who?’ ~ ‘Eileen’d on your doorbell and broke it!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ellis’ ~ ‘Ellis who?’ ~ ‘Ellis before M in the dictionary!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Elsie’ ~ ‘Elsie who?’ ~ ‘Elsie you later!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Emma’ ~ ‘Emma who?’ ~ ‘Emma bit cold out here, will you let me in?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Europe’ ~ ‘Europe who?’ ~ ‘Europe early this morning!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Europe’ ~ ‘Europe who?’ ~ ‘Noooo, you’re a poo!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Eva’ ~ ‘Eva who?’ ~ ‘Eva you’re deaf or your doorbell isn’t working!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ewan’ ~ ‘Ewan who?’ ~ ‘No, just me!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Fitzwilliam’ ~ ‘Fitzwilliam who?’ ~ ‘Fitzwilliam better than it fits me!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Francis’ ~ ‘Francis who?’ ~ ‘Francis on the other side of the Channel!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Gladys’ ~ ‘Gladys who!’ ~ ‘Gladys Friday, aren’t you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Gorilla’ ~ ‘Gorilla who?’ ~ ‘Gorilla cheese sandwich for me and I’ll be right over!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Gus’ ~ ‘Gus who?’ ~ ‘That’s what you’re supposed to do!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hammond’ ~ ‘Hammond who?’ ~ ‘Hammond cheese on toast, please!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Handsome’ ~ ‘Handsome who?’ ~ ‘Handsome chocolate over and I’ll tell you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Harriet’ ~ ‘Harriet who?’ ~ ‘Harriet all my lunch, I’m starving!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Harry’ ~ ‘Harry who?’ ~ ‘Harry up and open this door!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hawaii’ ~ ‘Hawaii who?’ ~ ‘I’m fine thanks, how are you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Heaven’ ~ ‘Heaven who?’ ~ ‘Heaven seen you in ages!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hell’ ~ ‘Hell who?’ ~ ‘Hello to you too!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Henrietta’ ~ ‘Henrietta who?’ ~ ‘Henrietta toadstool, but thought it was a mushroom!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hijack’ ~ ‘Hijack who?’ ~ ‘Hijack, how’s Jill?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Honeydew’ ~ ‘Honeydew who?’ ~ ‘Honeydew you want to come out tonight?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Howard’ ~ ‘Howard who?’ ~ ‘Howard I know?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hugh’ ~ ‘Hugh who?’ ~ ‘Hugh wouldn’t believe me if I told you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hugo’ ~ ‘Hugo who?’ ~ ‘Hugo first, I’m right behind you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ice cream!’ ~ ‘Ice cream who?’ ~ ‘Ice cream if you don’t let me in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Imogen.’ ~ ‘Imogen who?’ ~ ‘Imogen life without chocolate!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Interupting cow’ ~ ‘Interupting cow wh..’>‘MOOO!!’<

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Isabel’ ~ ‘Isabel who?’ ~ ‘Isabel broken, because I had to knock!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ivan’ ~ ‘Ivan who?’ ~ ‘Ivan infectious disease!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ivor’ ~ ‘Ivor who?’ ~ ‘Ivor good mind not to tell you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Jeffrey’ ~ ‘Jeffrey who?’ ~ ‘Jeffrey time I knock, you ask me who I am!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Jester’ ~ ‘Jester who?’ ~ ‘Jester minute I’m trying to find my keys!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Jim’ ~ ‘Jim who?’ ~ ‘Jim mind if I come in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Judy’ ~ ‘Judy who!’ ~ ‘Judy liver newspapers?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Juicy’ ~ ‘Juicy who!’ ~ ‘Juicy what I just saw!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Justin’ ~ ‘Justin who?’ ~ ‘Justin time to let me in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ken’ ~ ‘Ken who?’ ~ ‘Ken I come in, it’s freezing out here?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Kenya’ ~ ‘Kenya who?’ ~ ‘Kenya not guess who is it?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ketchup’ ~ ‘Ketchup who?’ ~ ‘Ketchup with me and I’ll tell you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lena’ ~ ‘Lena who?’ ~ ‘Lena little closer and I’ll tell you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lettuce’ ~ ‘Lettuce who?’ ~ ‘Lettuce in and I’ll tell you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Little old lady’ ~ ‘Little old lady who?’ ~ ‘I didn’t know you could yodel!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lucy’ ~ ‘Lucy who?’ ~ ‘Lucy Lastic can be embarrassing!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lydia’ ~ ‘Lydia who?’ ~ ‘Lydia teapot is broken!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Major’ ~ ‘Major who?’ ~ ‘Major answer didn’t I!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mandy’ ~ ‘Mandy who?’ ~ ‘Mandy lifeboats, we’re sinking!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mary’ ~ ‘Mary who?’ ~ ‘Mary Christmas!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Me’ ~ ‘Me who?’ ~ ‘I didn’t know you had a cat!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Midas’ ~ ‘Midas who?’ ~ ‘Midas well open the door!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mister’ ~ ‘Mister who?’ ~ ‘Mister last bus home!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mort’ ~ ‘Mort who?’ ~ ‘Mort to the point, who are you?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Muffin’ ~ ‘Muffin who?’ ~ ‘Muffin the matter with me, how about you?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Nicholas’ ~ ‘Nicholas who?’ ~ ‘Nicholas girls shouldn’t climb trees!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Noah’ ~ ‘Noah who?’ ~ ‘Noah don’t know who you are either!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Nobody’ ~ ‘Nobody who?’ ~ ‘Just nobody!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Noise’ ~ ‘Noise who?’ ~ ‘Noise to see you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Norma’ ~ ‘Norma who?’ ~ ‘Normally I have a key!’

‘Neutrino…’ ‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’…

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Oil’ ~ ‘Oil who?’ ~ ‘Oil be seeing you as soon as you let me in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Olga’ ~ ‘Olga who?’ ~ ‘Olga home if you don’t open this door!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Olive’ ~ ‘Olive who?’ ~ ‘Olive next door to you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Omelette’ ~ ‘Omelette who?’ ~ ‘Omeletting the cat in, open the door!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Opportunity’ ~ ‘Don’t be silly, opportunity doesn’t knock twice!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Orange’ ~ ‘Orange who?’ ~ ‘Orange you going to let me in?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Oreo’ ~ ‘Oreo who?’ ~ ‘When Oreo going to open this door!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Owl’ ~ ‘Owl who?’ ~ ‘Owl I can say is knock knock!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Paul’ ~ ‘Paul who?’ ~ ‘Paul harder, the door’s stuck again!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Pier’ ~ ‘Pier who?’ ~ ‘Pier through the keyhole and you’ll see!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Plato’ ~ ‘Plato who?’ ~ ‘Plato fish and chips please’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Quaint’ ~ ‘Quaint who?’ ~ ‘Quaint you going to let me in?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Qualm’ ~ ‘Qualm who?’ ~ ‘Qualm before the storm!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Quay’ ~ ‘Quay who?’ ~ ‘Quay pon leaving me out here and there’ll be trouble!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Queue’ ~ ‘Queue who?’ ~ ‘Queue can let me in now!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Quit’ ~ ‘Quit who?’ ~ ‘Quit locking me out!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Renata’ ~ ‘Renata who?’ ~ ‘Renata milk; could I borrow some?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Robin’ ~ ‘Robin who?’ ~ ‘Robin the rich to give to the poor!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Salmon’ ~ ‘Salmon who?’ ~ ‘Salmon chanted evening, you may see a stranger…’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sari’ ~ ‘Sari who?’ ~ ‘Sari, wrong house!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Says’ ~ ‘Says who?’ ~ ‘Says me, that’s who!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Scold’ ~ ‘Scald who?’ ~ ‘Scald outside, let me in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Scott’ ~ ‘Scott who?’ ~ ‘Scott nothing to do with you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sesame’ ~ ‘Sesame who?’ ~ ‘Open sesame!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Seymour’ ~ ‘Seymour who?’ ~ ‘Seymour if you had glass in the door’

‘Knock, knock, knock!, Penny? ‘Knock, knock, knock!, Penny? ‘Knock, knock, knock!, Penny? ~ ‘SHELDON!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sherwood’ ~ ‘Sherwood who?’ ~ ‘Sherwood like to come in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Shirley’ ~ ‘Shirley who?’ ~ ‘Shirley you know who I am?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Signor’ ~ ‘Signor who?’ ~ ‘Signor light on, so I knocked!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sloane’ ~ ‘Sloane who?’ ~ ‘Sloanely outside, let me in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sofa’ ~ ‘Sofa who?’ ~ ‘Sofa, so good, now let me in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sonia’ ~ ‘Sonia who?’ ~ ‘Sonia postman with a parcel!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Snow’ ~ ‘Snow who?’ ~ ‘Snow good asking me, I don’t know!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Stan’ ~ ‘Stan who?’ ~ ‘Stan back, I’m coming in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Stopwatch’ ~ ‘Stopwatch who?’ ~ ‘Stopwatch you’re doing and let me in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sultan’ ~ ‘Sultan who?’ ~ ‘Sultan pepper!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tank’ ~ ‘Tank who?’ ~ ‘You’re welcome!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tennis’ ~ ‘Tennis who?’ ~ ‘Tennis five plus five!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Teresa’ ~ ‘Teresa who?’ ~ ‘Teresa green!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Thayer’ ~ ‘Thayer who?’ ~ ‘Thayer sorry and I won’t thay another thing!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Thermos’ ~ ‘Thermos who?’ ~ ‘Thermos be a better knock knock joke than this!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Whose their?’ ~ ‘The spelling police!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Thistle’ ~ ‘Thistle who?’ ~ ‘Thistle be the last time I knock on this door!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tish’ ~ ‘Tish who?’ ~ ‘Bless you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Titus’ ~ ‘Titus who?’ ~ ‘Titus it can be!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘To’ ~ ‘To who?’ ~ ‘No, no, no; to whom!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tobias’ ~ ‘Tobias who?’ ~ ‘Tobias a pig, that’s why I went to market!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Toby’ ~ ‘Toby who?’ ~ ‘Toby or not Toby, that is the question!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Toodle’ ~ ‘Toodle who?’ ~ ‘Goodbye!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Toucan’ ~ ‘Toucan who?’ ~ ‘Toucan live as cheaply as one!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Touch’ ~ ‘Touch who?’ ~ ‘Touch me and I’ll scream!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tuba’ ~ ‘Tuba who?’ ~ ‘Tuba toothpaste!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tuna’ ~ ‘Tuna who?’ ~ ‘You can tuna a piano, but you can’t tuna fish!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Turner’ ~ ‘Turner who?’ ~ ‘Turner round, there’s something behind you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Turnip’ ~ ‘Turnip who?’ ~ ‘Turnip late again and your fired!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Twit’ ~ ‘Twit who?’ ~ ‘Do you have an owl in there?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Uphill’ ~ ‘Uphill who?’ ~ ‘Uphill’s easier to swallow with water!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Uruguay’ ~ ‘Uruguay who?’ ~ ‘Uraguay and I’m a girl!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Vanda’ ~ ‘Vanda who?’ ~ ‘Vanda you vant me to come in?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Verdi’ ~ ‘Verdi who?’ ~ ‘Verdi you get those curtains?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Waddle’ ~ ‘Waddle who?’ ~ ‘Waddle you give me to go away?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Waiter’ ~ ‘Waiter who?’ ~ ‘Waiter minute, it’ll come back to me…’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wanda’ ~ ‘Wanda who?’ ~ ‘Wanda when you’ll let me in?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wander’ ~ ‘Wander who?’ ~ ‘Wander buy some cookies?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ward’ ~ ‘Ward who?’ ~ ‘Ward do you care who it is?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Watson’ ~ ‘Watson who?’ ~ ‘Watson the menu today?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wayne’ ~ ‘Wayne who?’ ~ ‘Wayne are you going to let me in?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Weaken’ ~ ‘Weaken who?’ ~ ‘Weaken work it out, just let me in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Will’ ~ ‘Will who?’ ~ ‘Will you let me in please?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wilma’ ~ ‘Wilma who?’ ~ ‘Wilma lunch be ready soon?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Woo! ’ ~ ‘Woo who?’ ~ ‘Don’t sound so excited, we’re Trick or Treaters dressed as ghosts. Now give us cash.’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wooden shoe’ ~ ‘Wooden shoe who?’ ~ ‘Wooden shoe like to know!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Xenia’ ~ ‘Xenia who?’ ~ ‘Xenia through the keyhole!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Xenophile’ ~ ‘Xenophile who?’ ~ ‘Xenophile anywhere? I’ve lost mine!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘X-ray’ ~ ‘X-ray who?’ ~ ‘X-ray Ted!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yah’ ~ ‘Yah who?’ ~ ‘Ride em cowboy!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yam’ ~ ‘Yam who?’ ~ ‘I Yam what I yam!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yelp’ ~ ‘Yelp who?’ ~ ‘Yelp me please, by dose is stuck in the keyhole!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘You’ ~ ‘You who?’ ~ ‘Did you call?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yukon’ ~ ‘Yukon who?’ ~ ‘Yukon let me in now!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yul’ ~ ‘Yul who?’ ~ ‘Yul never guess!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yvonne’ ~ ‘Yvonne who?’ ~ ‘Yvonne to come in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zap’ ~ ‘Zap who?’ ~ ‘Zap bout time you opened this door!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zealot’ ~ ‘Zealot who?’ ~ ‘Zealot of us waiting to come in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zebra’ ~ ‘Zebra who?’ ~ ‘Zebra iz too tight, I voot like to exchange it for a larger size!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zepher’ ~ ‘Zepher who?’ ~ ‘Zepher nately time to open the door!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zero’ ~ ‘Zero who?’ ~ ‘Zero of ze doorbells are all broken, so I had to knock!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zone’ ~ ‘Zone who?’ ~ ‘Zonely me, can I come in?’

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Star Trek gags

Official 40th Anniversary Star Trek logo. Copyright 2007 Paramount Pictures and CBS Studios Inc.
Official 40th Anniversary Star Trek logo. Copyright 2007 Paramount Pictures and CBS Studios Inc.

A small miscellaneous collection of jokes for Trekkies, linked, however loosely, to various Star Trek TV series.

Well, you have to start with THE classic:

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? ~ Three: the left ear, the right ear and the final front ear

Mr Spock has pointed ears and Mr Scott has engineers

Why was Star Trek so successful? ~ It had good Genes

‘Bones’ McCoy: “I’ve borrowed Mr Scott’s bagpipes” ~ Kirk: “But you can’t play them” ~ ‘Bones’ McCoy: “While I’ve got them, neither can he”

New Year resolution ► “It’s life gym, but not as we know it.”

Why did Worf change his hair colour? ~ It was a good day to dye

Will Riker’s dating philosophy: ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try Troi again’

What do Romulan frogs use for camouflage? ~ A croaking device

The Ferengi have opened a new restaurant on the Moon; the food’s great, but there’s no atmosphere

What’s Jean-Luc’s favourite card trick? ~ Picard, any card

Ernest BORG 9
Ernest BORG 9
The Borg ~ Wrappers are futile; chocolate will be assimilated

We are the Borg; ESC is futile, CTRL is inevitable, your files will be assimilated

Star Trek Books

‘Chekov The Navigator’ I Kiptin

‘Data’s Positronic Brain’ Anne Droid

‘Resist’ Stan Sisfutile

‘You’ Will B Assimilated

‘Make it Sew’ #1 Needlework book ~ Jean-Luc Picard

Changing a light bulb

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? ~ Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? ~ None, because Klingons aren’t afraid of the dark

How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb? ~ Two; one to change it and one to sell the old bulb as an antique

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? ~ All of them collectively

Live long and prosperHow many Enterprise crew members does it take to change a light bulb? ~ Three; one to change it and two red shirted security men to die in the process

Crossing the road

Why did Mr Scott’s chicken cross the road? ~ Because it couldna take much morrrrrrre!

Why did the Vulcan chicken cross the road? ~ It was the logical thing to do

Why did the Borg cross the road? ~ To assimilate the chicken



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Tommy Cooper One-liners

Tommy Cooper (1921 – 1984) was a very popular British comedian and magician, who tragically died in the middle of his act on live television. A very funny but flawed man who made a lot of people laugh. I think it’s time to revisit some of his old, traditional but funny, one-liners.

A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’

A man walks into a greengrocer’s and says: ‘I want five pounds of potatoes please.’ And the greengrocer says: ‘We only sell kilos.’ So the man says: ‘Alright then, I’ll have five pounds of kilos.’

I went to Millets and said: ‘I want to buy a tent.’ He said: ‘To camp?’ I said: (butchly) ‘Sorry, I want to buy a tent.’ I said: ‘I also want to buy a caravan.’ He said: ‘Camper?’ I said: (campily) ‘Make your mind up.’

Now here’s a quick laugh. Do this tomorrow. Walk into an antiques shop and shout: ‘What’s new?’

I went into the bank today. I said: ‘Could you check my balance?’ They pushed me over!

A man goes into a petshop. He says: ‘I’d like to buy a wasp please.’ The shopkeeper says: ‘Sorry Sir, but we don’t sell wasps.’ Man says: ‘But you’ve got one in the window!!’

I got into the ring with Muhammad Ali once and I had him worried for a while. He thought he’d killed me!

Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side. She had to. We’ve only got one chair.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

A man goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that he has three minutes to live. ‘Doctor what can you give me?’ The man says. ‘A hard boiled egg,’ says the doctor.

A child of three can do this trick. I wish he was here now.

Just before the show the producer took me to one side. And left me there. He said: ‘How do you feel tonight?’ I said: ‘A bit funny’ He said: ‘Well get out there before it wears off.’

Did you hear that joke about the fire-eater? She hiccuped and cremated herself.

I met this man at the airport and I asked him if he’d like to share a taxi with me. He said he would, I said: ‘You take the engine, I’ll take the wheels!’

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A woman stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said: ‘What do you want?’ ‘I’d like to stay here’ ‘Ok. Stay there.’

My wife wanted to go to the ballet. I said: ‘I’m not going to sit and watch a lot of people on their toes in long underwear.’ She said: ‘You don’t have to. Wear your tuxedo.’

I always call a spade a spade, until the other night when I stepped on one in the dark.

I’ve got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!

This old man was dying and he called his nephew to his bedside. He said: ‘I’m leaving you all my money.’ The nephew said: ‘Thank you, Uncle. What can I do for you?’ He said: ‘Get your foot off my oxygen tube.’

Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’

In days of old, when knights were bold, the king turned to his knight and said: ‘What have you been doing today?’ The knight said: ‘I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf, burning the villages of your enemies in the north.’ The King said: ‘But I don’t have any enemies in the north.’ The knight said: ‘I’m afraid you do now.’

Stand in a library and go ‘Aaagghh!’ and everyone just stares at you. But do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I love bathing beauties, but the trouble is I never bathe any.

When the nurse told my mother she had an eight-pound bundle of joy, she said: ‘Thank God, the laundry’s back!’

When I asked her to whisper those three little words that would make me walk on air, she said: ‘Sure… go hang yourself.’

My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’

My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the light bulb.

I swam the English Channel once. ‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’ Lengthwise?

I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamed that Brigitte Bardot came up to me and said: ‘I will grant you three wishes. Now what are the other two?’

A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’

I’m recovering from a cold. I’m so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I’ll cure someone.

A woman told her doctor: ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor said: ‘It’s old age.’ The woman said: ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says: ‘OK. You’re ugly as well.’

A woman phoned her husband and said: ‘The carburettor is full of water.’ ‘Where’s the car?’ the man said. ‘In the river,’ she replied.

I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!

In Las Vegas, they gamble everywhere. I went into a drug store for an aspirin and the girl behind the counter said: ‘I’ll toss you, double or nothing.’ I lost. I came out with two headaches.

I said to the girl in the shop: ‘I want to buy a hat.’ She said: ‘Fedora?’ I said: ‘No, for myself!’

I was showing my wife this one. I said: ‘Look at this dear.’ I always call her dear. She’s got antlers growing out of the side of her head.

I was woken up this morning by a tap on the door. I must remember to get the plumber to take it off.

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said: ‘Parking Fine.’

I knew a hypochondriac who wouldn’t visit the Dead Sea until he found out what it died of!

She still plays the piano by ear… but sometimes her earrings get in the way.

A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’ He said: ‘What?’

I went to the doctor the other day, I said: ‘I’ve broken my leg in three places.’ He said: ‘Don’t go to those places.’

I got into this taxi and I said to the driver: ‘King Arthur’s Close.’ And the driver said: ‘Don’t worry Tommy, I’ll shake him off at the first corner.’

This guy bought his wife a burial plot for her birthday. The following year, when he bought her nothing, she complained. He said: ‘What are you complaining about? You didn’t use the present I bought you last year!’

The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: ‘Would you please blow into this bag, Sir’ I said: ‘What for, Officer?’ He says: ‘My chips are too hot.’

When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’ I grabbed the nurse!

People learn something new every day. Why, just today, my wife learned that a car won’t climb a telephone pole.

It wasn’t easy to get us kids to eat olives. I had to start off on Martinis!

I came from a very poor family of five children. We all used to sleep in the same bed. In fact, I never slept alone until I got married.

I went to see the doctor the other day. I had to. He was ill.

A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’ The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’

Once I painted a girl in the nude and I almost froze to death.

This fellow walked into a bar with a chicken under one arm and a crocodile under the other. The barman said, ‘What’ll you have?’ He said: ‘A whisky and soda.’ Then the crocodile spoke up and said: ‘I’ll have a gin and tonic.’ The barman said: ‘That’s amazing. I’ve never seen a crocodile that could talk before.’ He said: ‘He can’t. The chicken’s a ventriloquist.’



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Even More MumblingNerd Stuff


Even more of my previously unpublished Twitter posts and daft comments:

I’m not getting on very well with this keyboard; it’s just not my type.

I only asked for a leg of lamb from our butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.

While I was waiting at the airport recently I heard a Scottish dating advert; “Free Wife, Aye”

I’m feeling rubbish today; this always happens when I put the trash out.

An Australian friend asked me if I thought his bad eye would see better with glasses, so I said ‘Good eye might’.

I should’ve picked the cactus up with my left hand, now I feel a right prick.

I used to rest on my laurels, but then I had them cut down and a fence put up.

Does the phrase; ‘two daft male cattle’ contain more than one silly bull?

I’d always wanted to win a pastry throwing competition, but it was just pie in the sky.

I have more silent drum kits than you can shake a stick at… ah, just realised where I’m going wrong.

I have a yen to visit Tokyo.

LMAO… damn, now where am I going to sit?

The jockey who is always first past the post must be the reining champion.

Blood is thicker than water, although that’s irrelevant even when mixing fruit cordials for relatives.

The writing is on the wall for graffiti.

I’ve been involved in a dispute about sharpening tree felling tools, but then I did have an axe to grind.

Horse meat was once sold in a lot of British butcher shops, but they were flogging a dead horse.

I’ve been burning the candle at both ends and now I’m at my wicks end.

I’m so angry after being hit in the face by a fake Chinese vase; I’m faux Ming at the mouth.

I had a dream about two countries ruled by pets; it was reigning cats and dogs.

William Tell’s son was the apple of his eye.

I started to look out the window to see what the weather was up to, but decided to give it a rain check.

Pheasants, turkeys, geese, partridges, chickens and ducks; a decidedly poultry list composed entirely of fowl language.

I’m absolutely and utterly infatuated and totally LOVE hyperbole!

If you’re responsible for ripping a dollar in half then don’t pass the buck.

If Egyptians renounced the use of ketchup, would that be the sauce of denial?

I managed to buy twelve rare collectable postcards for only 10 US cents, but then found out they were a dime a dozen.

I can’t decide if I like this variable temperature hair dryer; I’m blowing hot and cold.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless the two in the bush are sought after by collectors.

A friend of ours works as a hairdresser for the police, but it wasn’t his first brush with the law.

Went to get food at a takeaway, but changed my mind because the owner had a chip on his shoulder.

Milliners are very irritable; they can get angry at the drop of a hat.

My work is piling up because of this tree trunk on my shoulders, although it’s only a small back log.

I never thought I’d determine what this gateau is; but it turned out to be a piece of cake.

I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. I’m trapped in a tiny gap next to the wall.

If a priest kept making the sign of the cross at a fancy dress party, would it be a blessing in disguise?

Avoid tabloid journalists; hack shuns speak louder than words.

I tried backing up my PC, but I had to stop when I got to the wall.

Is there any truth in the old saying “Absinthe makes the fart grow longer”?

Amputations cost an arm and a leg these days.

The vet suggested I try the carrot and stick approach with our cat, but sellotape won’t stick to the carrot, or the cat…

Using chopsticks on rice goes against the grain.

If doctor’s self medicate, do they get a taste of their own medicine?

Don’t worry about ferry crossings; we’re all in the same boat.

Take some proper topiary lessons and stop beating about the bush.

A fool and his money are easily parted; that’s why so many clowns fall for email scams.

Eco friendly computers can be constructed from the outer layers of tree trunks, but they turn out to be all bark and no byte.

Chocolate’s a good thing isn’t it? So how come you can have too much of a good thing?

Is YO! Sushi the derivation of the phrase ‘what goes around, comes around’?

‘The ability of one compound to dissolve in another compound’ ~ Surely there has to be a solution here?

Don’t repair timepieces; you’ll always be working against the clock.

The sponge is good, but the frosting is the icing on the cake.

If wind is gusting, when it ceases, is it disgusting?

Presumably McDonald’s car park ‘Reverse with care’ notice is a back-up sign?

British Waterways are encouraging canal users to change their locks regularly.

I bumped into our local Domino’s Pizza recently; if it had fallen down, would it have taken all the other Domino’s with it?

I’ve been online for hours today; so now all the washing is hanging up to dry I can get back to the internet.

My blog has a new ‘subscriber’; he’s a calligrapher and he paints signs on submarines.

I owned an abacus when I was an art student; I was part of the counter-culture.

I used to mix up ‘follicular’ and ‘funicular’, which led to some very hairy train rides.

In a recent poll 1 in 10 single men would rather have an iPad than a new partner; gives a whole new meaning to “Coming back to my pad?”

Queen Elizabeth was in Wales on the ‘second leg’ of her Diamond Jubilee tour; presumably the ‘third leg’ was the Isle of Man?

I think river valleys are gorgeous.

I’ve always been interested in the history of millinery, but it’s a bit old hat now.

I had to sell all the rabbits and pheasants, because I didn’t want to give the game away.

I’d like the sun to return, but fog will never be mist.

I drove to the supermarket with a tiny carrot; I was in such a hurry I had to take the shortest root.

I’m supercilious today; that’s like normal cilious, but I’m also wearing a cape.

Apparently the Dalai Lama is not actually a Llama.

I did a roll call in the kitchen this morning, but as none replied I had sliced wholemeal.

I’ve been checking out those ‘100 Things To Do Before You Die’ lists and not one of them has “Shout for help”.

People say love is blind, but I can’t see it myself.

The trouble with masturbation jokes is that they can rub people up the wrong way.

Oceanographers don’t like to be tide up.

Edward Scissorhands wore contact lenses; he should have gone to Specsavers.

Doughnuts are very good for you; as long as you eat the hole thing.

Reading the dictionary is tiring; by the time you reach the end it’s zzzzzzz…

Is ketchup like spring water; bottled at sauce?

Whenever I update my iPhone I get that terrible syncing feeling.

If my punning is worse as I get older; does that mean I’ve groan-up?

I was explaining something to someone when they said “I’ll take your word for it” so I’ve had them charged with plagiarism.

I’ve been obsessing over a broken handle today; I need to get a grip.

If I had an irrational fear of bridges, how would I get over it?

I saw someone tearing off a newspaper coupon today; I wish they’d cut it out.

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A bigger selection of short jokes and word play


Well, I have to put them somewhere.


A couple of the jokes are repeated elsewhere in this blog, but they still make me laugh, so I’ve left them in :^)


A bigger selection of short jokes and word playI couldn’t for the life of me remember how you throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

Question of the day: what’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

Come to the nerd side; we have pi

Just driven past a minor, but costly looking accident, now I know how a Mercedes bends.

My pencil keeps breaking every time I sharpen it, I’m giving up now, it’s pointless.

A vandalised Chinese restaurant was an act of wonton destruction.

Apparently it’s illegal to have indentured servants, so I’ve had to confiscate the butler’s false teeth.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

Good grief; I looked through a gym window and someone had put a water bottle in the Pringles can holder on a treadmill!

I asked a marine archaeologist if he’d ever found a pirate ship. He said he’d never found a whole one, but he had found pieces of eight.

I can’t cook, because insects have plundered my pantry. My ingredients are in greedy ants.

I can’t resist slapping giggling spiritualists in the face. I do like to strike a happy medium.

I entered the world crowbar championships this year. First prise!

I got off to a bad start with our new cat, so to make things right I had start from scratch.

I just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I have a nap.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon; I’ll let you know.

I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

I’m a light eater; as soon as it gets light I start eating.

I’ve been banned from our local hardware store for stealing kitchen utensils, but that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

I’ve been fired from my job at the zoo for lining up all the animals in order of height. Apparently they didn’t like me critter sizing the zoo.

I’ve just been to our local goose showroom; I only went for a gander.

If aristocrats have difficulty walking, do they get nobility scooters?

If you travel by ghost train, watch out for the ticketing spectre.

My friend gets quite violent if you give him sponge, jelly, fruit and cream for dessert. He’s not to be trifled with.

My wife and I are always laughing about how competitive we are. I laugh more though.

My wife went to a well woman clinic. It was okay, but didn’t like being winched in a bucket.

Penultimate is my last but one favourite word.

Quicksand always gives me a sinking feeling.

The counterfeiters knew the police were onto them but they decided to forge ahead anyway.

The first rule of Homophone Club is: ‘Yew dew knot torque a boat Homophone Club.’

The local council offered me a refuse bin; I said no.

When spring finally came the excited farmer wet his plants.

You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

A friend’s dog managed to swallow a few coins; he’s keeping his eye on it, but says there’s no change yet.

I always wanted to learn how to juggle, but I just don’t have the balls to do it.

It’s hard to beat a boiled egg in the morning.

I’ve just torn up a note pad and wrapped it around my stomach; it was a waist of paper.

I’ve been trying to push the envelope at work, but it’s still stationery.

I’m okay now, but when my hair first started to turn grey I thought I’d dye.

What do expensive muesli and a 13amp socket have in common? Alternating currants.

A teacher had to go for an eye test because he couldn’t control his pupils.

I think my local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew its seams.

Our old settee felt terrible until recently, but now it’s fully recovered.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

How can you tell when you’ve run out of invisible ink?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I saw a beaver film last night; it was the best dam film I’ve ever seen.

I’ve never been able to bend the truth; I think it’s a lie ability.

Wear short sleeves and support your right to bare arms!

Do you think there are signs at drug rehabilitation centres that say ‘KEEP OFF THE GRASS’?

In some cultures Petri is a shallow circular dish best served at room temperature on a multi-well plate.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hall. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

If you ever get onto a plane and recognise a friend called Jack, don’t shout ‘Hi Jack!’

At our local recycling centre dead batteries can be handed in free of charge.

Houdini was known to have used a lot of trap doors in his act at one time, but he was just going through a stage.

I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

What did the stamp collector say when he was complimented? ‘Philately will get you nowhere’.

Our local butcher was busy serving customers when he backed into his meat slicer; now he’s got a little behind in his work.

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

If cattle had a sense of humour, would they be a laughing stock?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I used to eat doughnuts every single day, but then I got tired of the hole thing.

Grammarians are never late; they’re always very punctual.

Two rights don’t make a wrong; they make an aeroplane.

My inferiority complex isn’t as good as everyone else’s.

A friend told me about an acquaintance who employs a butler with a missing left arm; serves him right.

Question: what is a prisoner’s favourite punctuation mark? Answer: a period, because it’s at the end of a sentence.

I’m not telling my wife I’ve just eaten some glue; my lips are sealed.

The little old lady who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner; there were strings attached.

Abominable: word used to describe an explosive device swallowed by a male bovine.

A stonemason who misspells a word on a gravestone is engrave trouble.

Most rocks have been around for a long time, but we shouldn’t take them for granite.

Why can’t fishermen be generous? Because their business makes them sell fish.

I went to the record shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said: ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

Two peanuts were walking through a rough neighbourhood and one of them was a salted.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in chocolate sauce; Police think that he topped himself.

How do you make antifreeze? Hide her cardigan.

If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving probably isn’t for you.

Apparently overheard in a United Nations toilet; ‘urination of strange people’.

My grandfather was shrewd; people threw small mammals at him until he suffocated.

To some people, marriage is a word, to others, it’s a sentence.

It’s better to love a short person than not a tall.

My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Smokers are the same as everyone else; just not as long.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Two goldfish were in a tank. One says to the other: ‘How do we drive this thing?’

A man just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might be a heroine dealer.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A friend once dated a very peculiar whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A cannibal ate a missionary and got a taste for religion.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers today, but I couldn’t find any.

A local balloon factory had to close due to inflation, it was quite a blow.

A patient went to see the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The psychiatrist said: ‘Well, I can clearly see your nuts’.

According to Santa’s lawyer, all of his little helpers are subordinate clauses.

Two psychiatrists pass each other; one says hello and the other one wonders what he meant by it.

A tourist had to get an eye test while visiting an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

My pet centipede just died. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised; it was on its last legs.

I bought eight legs of venison for £40; is that two deer?

I was thinking about making a comeback, but I haven’t been anywhere.

Don’t read a pop-up book about giraffes unless you wear glasses.

My genetic insanity is very fit and healthy; it runs in the family.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

Six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy, but only one out of seven is Grumpy.

Think outside the box; it’s too late once you’re in it.

I took the shell off my racing snail to try and speed it up, but it just made it sluggish.

I’m confused; oh hang on, maybe I’m not.

Why can’t you starve in the desert? Because of the sand which is there.

Why did the scientist fit his front door with an old-fashioned knocker? He was a Nobel Prize winner.

5/4ths of people have problems with fractions.

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the motorway; Police have confirmed there will be no congestion for eight hours.

Noah sent Ham, and his descendants mustered and bred in the sand which is in the desert.

What do you call the wife of a hippie? Mississippi.

What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow? Run over.

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To put out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To put out burning ducks.

There are three kinds of people; those who can count and those who can’t.

Borrow money from pessimists; they don’t expect it back.

How can you tell when an economist is lying? Their lips are moving.

The economy is so bad that the Mafia is starting to lay off judges.

Money talks. The trouble is, it only knows one word; goodbye.

Money isn’t everything, but it does keep the children in touch.

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers.

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there.

I have friends who swear they dream in colour but it’s just a pigment of their imagination.

What’s green and smells like yellow paint? Green paint.

Why do ghouls and demons get on so well? Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

Heard about the dating agency for chickens that went bust? Apparently they couldn’t make hens meet.

Two yoghurts walk into a bar. ‘We don’t serve your kind in here’ says the bartender’ A yoghurt asks ‘Why not, we’re cultured’.

Dr Watson was in a bar, it was past closing time and he was a bit drunk. ‘Come on’ said the barman ‘Haven’t you got Holmes to go to?’

A saw and a hammer go into a bar and some other tools join them; the saw turns to the hammer and says ‘You know the drill, don’t you?’

The Italians are installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa; after all, what good is the inclination if you don’t have the time?

Fortune tellers are very easy to buy clothes for; they’re all mediums.

The boy cannibal was expelled from school for buttering up the teacher.

God was tired after making a 24 hour period, so he decided to call it a day.

If you dream that you’re writing The Lord of the Rings, are you just Tolkien in your sleep?

How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.

Some cultures consider swallowing and expelling a fountain pen a write of passage.

What’s the difference between a duck? One leg is both the same.

A man spent his life collecting memorabilia of Wonder Woman, Joan of Arc and Florence Nightingale; apparently he was a heroine addict.

Mary had a little lamb, and then she had some dessert.

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi refused painkillers during his root canal work; he wanted to transcend dental medication.

Police arrested two people, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks; they charged one and let the other one off.

What did one deoxyribonucleic acid say to another? Do these genes make me look fat?

A double negative forms a positive, but apparently there is no language where a double positive is a negative. Yeah, right.

A Pepsi executive has been fired; he tested positive for Coke.

Why are tenors like pirates? Because they’re both murder on the high C’s.

The human cannonball wanted to retire, but the circus owner couldn’t find a replacement of his calibre.

After many attempts a scientist successfully cloned his own genes; he was so thrilled, he was beside himself.

The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s plaster cast.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.

How many tech-support people does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and then on again?

What do you call twin policemen? Copies.

My friend’s ex-wife was deaf and she left him for a deaf friend; to be honest, he should have seen the signs.

Why did the skeleton refuse to go bungee jumping? He didn’t have the guts.

Why did the ram fall over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.

Why don’t oysters give to charity? They’re shellfish.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.

Why couldn’t Count Dracula’s wife sleep? Because of his coffin.

First thing this morning, there was a tap on our door; our plumber has an odd sense of humour.

Why does ‘smiles’ hold the record as the longest word in the dictionary? Because the two ‘s’s are a mile apart.

What do you call a parrot in the rain with an umbrella? Polyunsaturated.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

How does a Dalek keep its skin soft? EXFOLIATE!

Why did the Dalek cross the road? To EXTERMINATE! the chicken.

What did the Spanish fireman call his sons? Jose and Hose B.

One arm butlers; they can take it but they can’t dish it out.

A shoe factory has burnt down; two hundred soles were lost.

A police station toilet has been stolen; officers have nothing to go on.

I used to work at Kwik-Fit, but I gave up the job; every day I was tyred and exhausted.

Postman: ‘Is this letter for you; the name is smudged?’ Man: ‘No, it can’t be for me, my name’s Smith’.

Two elephants walk off a cliff… boom, boom!

Apparently bread is quite dangerous; over 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at maths.

WARNING: Dates on the calendar are closer than they appear.

PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone somewhere might be happy.

‘Dad, can I have another glass of water please? ~ ‘But I’ve given you 10 already!’ ~ ‘Yes, but the bedroom’s still on fire!’

Son: ‘Dad, can I go to the bathroom?’ ~ Dad: ‘MAY I go to the bathroom?’ ~ Son: ‘But I asked first!’

A Vicar and a Buddhist are having toast when an image of Jesus appears in the margarine; the Buddhist says ‘I can’t believe it’s not Buddha’.

Coffee beans were chewed for more than 400 years before the first cup of coffee was brewed; nail biters might want to consider the new business venture possibilities here.

I’m a dyslexic, atheist, insomniac; I stay up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

Never get behind the Devil in a Post Office queue, for the Devil has many forms.

I have all the money that I’ll ever need; as long as I die by 4pm today.

How many dyslexics does it take to light a change bulb?

Change is inevitable; except from vending machines.

With the application of sufficient thrust pigs fly really well.

Thought I’d visit some different stores, but when you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.

The problem with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.

Oh dear, I just let my mind wander, but it hasn’t come back yet.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Everything seemed to be coming my way today, but I was just in the wrong lane.

To err is human; to successfully blame it on someone else shows management potential.

I’ve been revising for a practical exam on pest control; I was up all night swatting.

There’s been a vote to decide on a theory to replace continental drift; plate tectonics won by a land slide.

I’m trying my hand at computer hacking, but I think I need a larger machete.

I have a portable stereo that looks like a large cake; it’s a gateaux blaster.

Pigs don’t like using the telephone when there’s crackling on the line.

A friend of mine was a brick layer before he went to prison; to this day he still isn’t a free mason.

Surely it ought to be possible to achieve at least one giggle out of every ten word plays? No pun in ten did.


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Puns and word-play


Twitter gags

A handful of Twitter inspired jokes:

I used to like to think of something really stupid to say and then not say it; then along came Twitter.

Watch what you eat AND watch what you say; as with food, you are what you tweet.

I’ve been thinking about Tweeting to someone in jail, but the sentence was too long.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to retweet it.

After ‘M’onday and ‘T’uesday all you’re left with is ‘WTF’.

LMAO… damn, now where am I going to sit?

Some tweeters have a way with words, others don’t not have none.

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter’ ~ ‘Sorry, I don’t follow you’

Twitter’s great; I neither put on weight nor feel uncomfortable when I’ve had too much Tweet.

I wanted to follow UK politicians Nick Clegg and Vince Cable on Twitter, but I can’t ad-lib.

I was going to tweet about anticlimaxes, but then I didn’t.

My canary has stopped chirping. Please retweet.



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Puns and word-play