More pointless playing around with words


A handful of my inane responses to people and posts on Twitter or Facebook, completely pointless as usual, but it keeps me entertained:

Wood yew cedar reason to root around & branch out? Just twigged I’m lumbering you with tree or more puns, fir enough, I’ll leaf it at that.

Think pink; don’t stink, kink or shrink from the brink; wear mink to a rink, blink and drink to the link in ink and sink into pink.

You should orange to clean fruit meticulously; apples must be at the core of all fruit washing, which should be done in pears.

I’m so Hungary Iran to the fridge to Czech for Turkey, but Norway I could eat it with all that Greece. Now I’m Russian to Finnish my Danish.

Cheesed off & Stiltons to do before the holidays? Edam, that’s not grate & curd cost whey too much if you’ve Gouda lot to buy; Feta accompli.

Want info on eggs? Don’t shell out, chick out the hencyclopedia; there’s a free range of fowl stuff laid out in cracking style.

Cheerfully checking my Czech cheque checker’s checking all Czech cheques and chucking any checkered cheques. Check.

ICON see CTRL freaks ENTER the HOME SPACE, DOS around & DEL don’t SHIFT, or ALT they’ve the DRIVE to keep TABS & BYTE back in the END.

Don’t let them takeaway a quantity of your maths class and alter the ratio, it doesn’t add up in my estimation; square up to and evaluate the root of the constant decimation before they intersect, divide you into fractions and multiply your problems… Ah, I’m angling off at a variable tangent, anyway I’ve calculated coefficiently that it’s not my function (minus the odd number) to factor in or achieve an absolute value by subtracting or deducting any amount of pointless arithmetical puns.

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Puns and word-play


Even more short jokes

Even more short jokesIf a mime is arrested, do they have the right to remain silent?

My long-haired friend was fired from the hot dog stand for putting his hair in a bun.

I can’t choose between silver and gold; it could be either ore.

An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks; the nephew is now busy winding up the estate.

I find falling asleep is so easy I could do it with my eyes closed.

Forklift truck drivers don’t like puns; they find them unpalletable.

If a tortoise doesn’t have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

The new Elvis Presley themed steakhouses are for people who love meat tender.

Tractors are magic; I followed one recently that suddenly turned into a field.

To oceanographers, things are never bad, they’re abyss-mal.

Lightning always shocks people, because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

Do ambassadors stay healthy because of diplomatic immunity?

A relative ate wheat even though he was allergic to it; he was a gluten for punishment.

Good King Wenceslas likes his pizza deep-pan, crisp and even.

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!

The boy stood on the burning deck; it was the only way he could put out the flames on his pack of cards.

If a spider lives in a maize field, does it make cob webs?

Fish take their holidays in Finland.

I asked a horse if he had a dollar. He replied “No, but I have fore quarters.”

Autocorrect is always making me post things I didn’t Nintendo.

‘Do not touch’ must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.

My goal was to lose 14lbs this year, I’ve only 20lbs to go now…

Some things are so easy today; as a youngster I had to struggle through 10 feet of shag pile carpet to change the TV channel.

Do I have to seize the day; can’t I just poke it gently with a stick?

Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol can double your vision.

Why buy something for £3 when you can make it yourself with £65 worth of craft materials?

My parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Apparently this is now called identity theft…

The first rule of the Railway Enthusiasts Book Club is to not read between the lines.

Two scientists studying fungi and algae became friends after they took a lichen to each other.

When psychiatrists give presents, are they always shrink wrapped?

A friend lost his left arm and left leg in an accident; he’s all right now.

I saw an exceptionally good scarecrow; it was out standing in its field.

My friend left her gloves in a secluded cave, still, they were hermits.

A man, who dreamt he was a wheel on a car and then a catalytic converter, woke up tired and exhausted.

A farmer has a herd of 200 cattle; he thought there were only 197 until he rounded them up.

I’ve damaged some small pieces of my chess set, so I took them to a pawn broker.

One of my ancestors tried prospecting for gold, but it didn’t pan out.

The local priest has been making the Sign of the Cross so often; he’s had to stop counting his blessings.

Cows wear cowbells because their horns don’t work.

I was going to procrastinate now, but I’ve decided to do it later.

Would you be in Seine if you jumped off a bridge in Paris?

A burglar fell into a cement mixer and became a hardened criminal.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

I bought a birthday card shaped like a boomerang; it said ‘Many Happy Returns’.

What do you get if you cross a canary with a mole? A mynah bird.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

In a Chinese geography test Peking is no longer allowed.

I had a very happy childhood. Dad loved to put me inside a tyre and roll me downhill. Those were the good years.

The Canadian government has set up a lottery, only for people in the north. You have to be Inuit to win it.

I phoned Seaworld the other day. They told me, ‘your call may be monitored for training porpoises.’

“You won’t like me when I’m angry. I back up my rage with documented facts and sources.” ~ The Credible Hulk

If you divide the diameter of a jack-o’-lantern by its circumference, do you get pumpkin Pi?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine yesterday is now fully recovered.

My neighbour couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist, so he was repossessed.

Police have been called to a nursery where a child was resisting a rest.

I’ve washed a set of hand bells, but I can’t wring them out.

The inebriated optician only had two glasses before he made a spectacle of himself.

I’ve just bought a three season bed; there’s no spring.

A friend of mine ran into a sieve, but he just strained himself.

Most money is tainted; it taint yours and it taint mine.

I was taken ill at the airport; it was serious, but not terminal.

I apologise; I saw a chiropractor, not an osteopath. I stand corrected.

The Dutchman with inflatable footwear has popped his clogs.

If you ate a lifetime’s supply of chocolate in one day, should you be worried?

I could explain why I have a superiority complex, but I doubt you’d understand.

When it comes to dictionaries, everyone is past caring.

People who copy and paste jokes from Facebook are idiots. Like • Comment • Share  A few seconds ago

Will you buy me chocolate? (A) Yes – (B) A – (C) B

Went to buy 6 cans of Sprite recently; it was only when I got home that I realised I’d picked 7up.

lol = Drowning Man. *lol* = Drowning Cheerleader.

I’ve just been given a framed picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa; I can’t get the damn thing to hang straight.

You should never run away from your problems. Unless your problem is a very large predator with big teeth.

We’ve just bought a new fridge; you should have seen my face light up when I opened it.

Tough, hard, durable… Sorry, I don’t usually use strong language.

I’ve attached a clock to a mirror; now I have time for reflection.

German no-frills supermarkets are taking over the country Lidl by Lidl, but Aldi you stop it?

Interesting, my new keyboard has a safety notice: “WARNING Using this keyboard may cause drowsi

I’ve just realised; the dawn chorus involves an awful lot of RTs.

Another washday and another sad statistic; the divorce rate among our socks is shocking.

If I had to describe myself with three words they would be “I’m really bad at maths”.

The Zen Master went up to the hot-dog stand and said; “Make me one with everything.”

I used to think I had attention deficit disorder, but now I’m n… Oooh look an insect!

The dentist and the manicurist fought tooth and nail.

I found an illegally parked frog in the garden and had it toad away.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. They also say revenge is sweet. Basically revenge is ice cream.

Apparently the main ingredient in anti-bacterial hand wash is paranoia.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.

I’m a graphic designer by day and dragon slayer by knight.

Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism, stealing from many people is research.

Learn to laugh at your own problems; everyone else does.

People think I’m too patronising… that means I talk down to people.

Buses stop at a bus station, trains stop at a train station; now I’m concerned about my work station.

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult.

I just watched a pirated movie; it got 3.14 stars.

And the award for incomplete tweets goes to

Would you like to know my secret to being a successful mime artist? I’m saying nothing.

What do we want? A cure for pyromania! When do we want it? Got a light?

The letter seven is my favourite colour of the periodic table of elephants.

Weetabix was called Betabix while it was in its production stage.

Why is the third hand on a clock called a second hand?

Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is gridlocked traffic called rush hour?

Why can’t you buy mouse flavoured cat food?

Why is the Department of the Interior in charge of everything outside?

When you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo.

If you’re injured by a dictionary, is it physical or verbal abuse?

If you’re tempted to fight fire with fire, just remember that the Fire Service often uses water.

I often say no to chocolate, but it just doesn’t listen.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I found the key to success once, but I think someone changed the lock.

Don’t be tempted by cheap hair removal offers; they’re a rip-off.

Did you know there are interstate highways in Hawaii?

If carrots are good for your eyes, why are there so many dead rabbits on the road?

I put on some lipstick today, but I can still move my lips.

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it still called skinny-dipping if you’re no longer skinny?

If four out of five people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Why isn’t a group of squids called a squad?

I’m really addicted to Spanish-Arab architecture; it’s just so Moorish.

What’s the difference between ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many people is research.

During a game of Monopoly the Boot and the Car met by Chance.

What’s large, grey and doesn’t matter? An Irrelephant.

I once bought a dog from a blacksmith; when I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?

Our dachshund has died; it met its end sniffing round a lamp post.

I’ve removed all the rear-view mirrors in my car and haven’t looked back since.

As a waiter I was put in charge of the condiments, but I couldn’t cut the mustard.

A really bad impressionist walked into a bar and the barman said: “Why the wrong face?”

I’ve noticed that it’s a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Seagulls live near the sea because if they lived near a bay, they’d be bagels.

I saw a skunk fall into a river once; it stank to the bottom.

Things I hate:
1) Negativity
2) Irony
3) Lists

Now I’m older, when I have a party my neighbours don’t even notice.

I once had a job delivering telegrams, but I had to [STOP].

I was tempted to post a cannibal joke, but I realised it was in bad taste.

I’ve been feeling down in the mouth since my feather pillow split.

My torch batteries need replacing; I’m delighted.

I’ve always found that the best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.

I try to avoid funerals; I’m not really a mourning person.

Pinning things on a notice board always seems a bit tacky to me.

Which is worse; ignorance or apathy? Who knows! Who cares!

I dyed some of my hair today; it was the highlight of my week.

My English teacher always told me that double negatives are a real no-no.

You’ll never guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians. Everyone.

Necessity is the mother of Invention; we all have quite unusual names in our family.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

I had a bat and ball for Christmas. The ball’s fun, but the bat just hangs upside down in the cellar.

I never make mistakes… I thought I did once; but I was wrong.

What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it man.

I used to keep a torch on my hat, but it made me feel light headed.

What’s the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally.

When I was learning to ride a horse I had trouble dismounting, so the tutor derided me.

People in Saudi Arabia don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.

Why are pirates called pirates? They just AarrRR!

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff, ba dum tish!

If Apple made cars, would they have Windows?

US scientists are hoping to make a quick buck by combining deer and greyhound DNA.

What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field. It’s a tough job, but hay, it’s in his jeans.

I used to enjoy going to fancy dress parties as a fish, but it’s wearing a little fin now.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roaming Catholic.

If you say ‘gullible’ slowly it sounds like ‘oranges’.

Someone knocked on our door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool; apparently a glass of water isn’t acceptable.

I know multitasking is a myth, but I can still waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.

Life is all about perspective; the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

Aren’t people annoying when they use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Intelligence is like underwear; it’s important to have it, but not to show it off.

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

What’s an ig? ~ An Inuit home without a loo.

Why did cowboys always die with their boots on? So they wouldn’t stub their toes when they kicked the bucket.

My Aunt is a flamboyant nun. She wears clerical clothing studded with semiprecious stones; it’s an expensive habit.

What do you call a snowman with sunburn? A puddle.

Whatever you do, don’t type ‘part a’ backwards; it’s a trap!

If you ever feel as though your job is meaningless, just remember; it’s someone’s job to fit indicators to BMW’s.

I asked my boss, “Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” He said, “Just pop it in the corner.” It took me three hours.

Think of a number between 1 and 20, add 32, multiply by 2 and add 1. Now close your eyes.
Dark isn’t it?

Men never really grow up; it’s just that some of us learn how to act in public. Sometimes.

Neptune’s son doesn’t do very well at school; his grades are all below C level.

ASCII stupid question and get a stupid ANSI.

I just bought a new universal remote controller. This really changes everything.

I’m a social vegetarian; I try to avoid meet.

I went to a night club and the manager sat me next to a hole in the carpet so I could see the floor show.

Apparently sheep can help you to fall asleep, and some people count on that.

Today went well until a seabird stole my German sausage; that was a tern for the wurst.

I normally have no problem with dairy, but I’m extremely lack toast intolerant at breakfast time.

Five out of six people agree that Russian roulette is safe.

I can only sleep on stacks of old magazines; I have back issues.

I don’t like afternoon funerals, but I’m not really a mourning person either.

I intended to go to a fancy dress party as Harry Potter’s godfather, but my wife said “You can’t be Sirius”.

I ordered a jumbo sausage at our chip shop, but they said it wouldn’t be long, so I asked for two.

I woke up this morning with a spoon in my mouth, a tea bag on my nose and milk in my right ear; I’m sick of being treated like a mug.

I’m almost certain that my spell Czech is broken.

If you rearrange the letters of ‘Postmen’, they get very annoyed.

I’m eating a bun filled with ham and pineapple; that’s just Hawaii roll.

I’m not a fan of lemon preserve; it’s just a curd to me.

I’ve eaten too much Middle Eastern food and now I falafel.

Lollipop men and women make me cross.

My neighbour’s dog is magic; it’s a Labracadabrador.

Our wifi wasn’t working earlier, so I spent some time with my family; they seem like nice people.

Two horses are in a field on a cold winter’s night. One horse says to the other; “I don’t know about you but I’m Friesian”.

What’s the difference between a horse and the weather? One is reined up and the other rained down…

What’s the difference between weather and climate? You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate…

When two weather presenters each broke both legs, they had problems with their four casts…

Dr Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition, but it was only much later that he realised he had misunderstood the objective.

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two seem odd to me.

You shouldn’t steal kitchen utensils, unless it’s a whisk you’re willing to take.

Two blood cells met and fell in love, but sadly it was all in vein.

Last night I had a nightmare about Gloria Gaynor; at first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Grammar Nazis are now calling themselves the alt-write.

I know the name of every turtle. I have turtle recall.

Death, War, Famine and Pestilence all caught a cold; they were the Four Hoarse Men of the Apocalypse.

Why can’t pirates recite the letters of the alphabet? Because they always get lost at C…

At the last appointment my doctor said he would have to draw some blood, but unfortunately his sketch pad was full.

What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot? Mitosis.

A truck delivering cheese from France has exploded; there was nothing left but de Brie.

Last night I was so drunk I took the bus home. I’ve never driven a bus before.

The first rule of Introvert Club: there is no Introvert Club.

I’ve given up spell check for Lint.

I’ve been bread making. The white and wholemeal loaves were a great success; now I’m on a roll.

I answered the phone today and heard lots of sniffing and sneezing; cold callers can be so annoying.

The Beach Boys walk into a bar…
“Get a round”
“I get a round, yeah?”
“Get a round!”
“Round, round, I get a round…”

I thought I saw Michael J. Fox at the garden centre, but it was hard to tell as he had his back to the fuchsias.

If a polygamist has already married nine times, will his next marriage mean he is decimated?

My childhood friends were paid for being good, but we were so poor that I was good for nothing.

Mountains aren’t just funny; they are hill areas.

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Diction Hairy of Reeve Eyes Deaf Finnish Huns

Diction Hairy of Redefinitions Cover © 2012 Roy ManterfieldThe spell checker approved the title, but it should be ‘Dictionary of Revised Definitions’.

Continuing the long and slightly dubious history of new and revised word redefinitions and daffynitions, in a short but similar vein to works such as ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’ by Ambrose Bierce, the ‘Uxbridge English Dictionary’ #UED from the BBC radio panel game ‘I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue’ #ISIHAC and ‘Wickedictionary’ by Derek Abbott.

I have written most of the definitions listed here, apart from a handful stolen from Twitter acquaintances, although, as many of the definitions are obvious as well as being ridiculous, they may well have been used elsewhere and often.

Click on a group of letters to go to that section:

A B C   D E F   G H I   J K L   M N O   P Q R   S T U   V W X Y Z

A few of my favourites:

Artichoke (n): creative strangulation
Babylon (n): tough synthetic infant
Cantaloupe (n): incapable of eloping
Diphthong (n): very small swimwear
Esplanade (n): Spanish lemonade
Felon (v): to trip over a thief
Ganache (n): action of teeth on chocolate
Gigolo (n): a fee-male
Hindsight (n): effect of hotpants
Impeccable (n): to protect from woodpeckers
Jamaica (n): person who makes fruit preserves
Kindred (n): fear of relatives
Legendary (n): famous milkman
Mascara (n): Brazilian traffic jam
Negligent (n): negligee for men
Noncustodial (n): a pudding without custard
Onomatopoeia (n): sound made by a tomato
Orifice (n): a hole created in an office
Palindrome (n): dromedary with humps that look the same way in either direction
Pirate (n): pie classification system
Procrastinate (n): to delay the playing of castanets
Quintessence (n): the aroma of five babies
Raucous (n): unprepared couscous
Scherzo (n): swift-moving Italian sausage
Stalemate (n): musty friend
Sycophant (n): poorly elephant
Tachycardia (n): distasteful cardigan
Toboggan (n): winter transportation for tobacco
Unison (n): child of unisex
Voluminous (n): fluorescent vole
Wiggle (v): movement of a wig
Xerox (n): duplicate ox
Yacht (v): unexpected sneeze
Zucchini (n): Italian zookeeper trousers

Copyright © 2011 – 2020 Roy Manterfield

This dictionary is for entertainment only. Whereas the entertainment value is subjective, the content is not accurate and is not intended to be used in place of an actual dictionary.

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Knock, knock…


I don’t think these need an intro…


‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Abyssinia’ ~ ‘Abyssinia who?’ ~ ‘Abyssinia when I get back!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Adair’ ~ ‘Adair who?’ ~ ‘Adair once, but now I’m bald!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Adam’ ~ ‘Adam who?’ ~ ‘Adam up and give me the total!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Adolf’ ~ ‘Adolf who?’ ~ ‘Adolf ball hit me in de mowf!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ahmed’ ~ ‘Ahmed who?’ ~ ‘Ahmed a big mistake coming here!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Aladdin’ ~ ‘Aladdin who?’ ~ ‘Aladdin the street wants a word with you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Alex’ ~ ‘Alex who?’ ~ ‘Alex plain later!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Alfred’ ~ ‘Alfred who?’ ~ ‘Alfred the needle if you sew!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ali’ ~ ‘Ali who?’ ~ ‘Ali Mentary my dear Watson!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Alison’ ~ ‘Alison who?’ ~ ‘Alison to my radio in the mornings!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ammonia’ ~ ‘Ammonia who?’ ~ ‘Ammonia little person and I can’t reach the doorbell!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Amy’ ~ ‘Amy who?’ ~ ‘Amy fraid I’ve forgotten!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Annie’ ~ ‘Annie who?’ ~ ‘Annie one you like!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Arch’ ~ ‘Arch who?’ ~ ‘Gesundheit!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Bashful’ ~ ‘Bashful who?’ ~ ‘I can’t tell you, I’m too bashful!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Beats’ ~ ‘Beats who?’ ~ ‘Beats me, I forgot the joke!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Bigotry’ ~ ‘Bigotry who?’ ~ ‘Bigotry than the one in your garden!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Bless’ ~ ‘Bless who?’ ~ ‘Thanks, but I didn’t sneeze!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Broken pencil’ ~ ‘Broken pencil who?’ ~ ‘Never mind; it’s pointless…’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Chester’ ~ ‘Chester who?’ ~ ‘Chester minute, don’t you recognise me?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Cows’ ~ ‘Cows who?’ ~ ‘No, cows moo!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Danielle’ ~ ‘Danielle who?’ ~ ‘Danielle so loud, I heard you the first time!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Des’ ~ ‘Des who?’ ~ ‘Des no bell, that’s why I’m knocking!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Diana’ ~ ‘Diana who?’ ~ ‘Diana thirst, can I have some water please?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Dishes’ ~ ‘Dishes who?’ ~ ‘Dishes the police, open up!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Dismay’ ~ ‘Dismay who?’ ~ ‘Dismay surprise you, but I want to come in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Doctor’ ~ ‘Doctor who?’ ~ ‘That’s right; where’s my Tardis?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Doorbell Repairman!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Doughnut’ ~ ‘Doughnut who!’ ~ ‘Doughnut open the door whatever you do!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Duke’ ~ ‘Duke who?’ ~ ‘Duke come here often!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Dunnap’ ~ ‘Dunnap who?’ ~ ‘Eeeugh!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Egbert’ ~ ‘Egbert who?’ ~ ‘Egbert no bacon please!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Eileen’ ~ ‘Eileen who?’ ~ ‘Eileen’d on your doorbell and broke it!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ellis’ ~ ‘Ellis who?’ ~ ‘Ellis before M in the dictionary!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Elsie’ ~ ‘Elsie who?’ ~ ‘Elsie you later!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Emma’ ~ ‘Emma who?’ ~ ‘Emma bit cold out here, will you let me in?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Europe’ ~ ‘Europe who?’ ~ ‘Europe early this morning!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Europe’ ~ ‘Europe who?’ ~ ‘Noooo, you’re a poo!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Eva’ ~ ‘Eva who?’ ~ ‘Eva you’re deaf or your doorbell isn’t working!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ewan’ ~ ‘Ewan who?’ ~ ‘No, just me!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Fitzwilliam’ ~ ‘Fitzwilliam who?’ ~ ‘Fitzwilliam better than it fits me!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Francis’ ~ ‘Francis who?’ ~ ‘Francis on the other side of the Channel!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Gladys’ ~ ‘Gladys who!’ ~ ‘Gladys Friday, aren’t you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Gorilla’ ~ ‘Gorilla who?’ ~ ‘Gorilla cheese sandwich for me and I’ll be right over!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Gus’ ~ ‘Gus who?’ ~ ‘That’s what you’re supposed to do!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hammond’ ~ ‘Hammond who?’ ~ ‘Hammond cheese on toast, please!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Handsome’ ~ ‘Handsome who?’ ~ ‘Handsome chocolate over and I’ll tell you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Harriet’ ~ ‘Harriet who?’ ~ ‘Harriet all my lunch, I’m starving!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Harry’ ~ ‘Harry who?’ ~ ‘Harry up and open this door!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hawaii’ ~ ‘Hawaii who?’ ~ ‘I’m fine thanks, how are you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Heaven’ ~ ‘Heaven who?’ ~ ‘Heaven seen you in ages!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hell’ ~ ‘Hell who?’ ~ ‘Hello to you too!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Henrietta’ ~ ‘Henrietta who?’ ~ ‘Henrietta toadstool, but thought it was a mushroom!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hijack’ ~ ‘Hijack who?’ ~ ‘Hijack, how’s Jill?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Honeydew’ ~ ‘Honeydew who?’ ~ ‘Honeydew you want to come out tonight?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Howard’ ~ ‘Howard who?’ ~ ‘Howard I know?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hugh’ ~ ‘Hugh who?’ ~ ‘Hugh wouldn’t believe me if I told you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hugo’ ~ ‘Hugo who?’ ~ ‘Hugo first, I’m right behind you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ice cream!’ ~ ‘Ice cream who?’ ~ ‘Ice cream if you don’t let me in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Imogen.’ ~ ‘Imogen who?’ ~ ‘Imogen life without chocolate!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Interupting cow’ ~ ‘Interupting cow wh..’>‘MOOO!!’<

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Isabel’ ~ ‘Isabel who?’ ~ ‘Isabel broken, because I had to knock!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ivan’ ~ ‘Ivan who?’ ~ ‘Ivan infectious disease!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ivor’ ~ ‘Ivor who?’ ~ ‘Ivor good mind not to tell you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Jeffrey’ ~ ‘Jeffrey who?’ ~ ‘Jeffrey time I knock, you ask me who I am!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Jester’ ~ ‘Jester who?’ ~ ‘Jester minute I’m trying to find my keys!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Jim’ ~ ‘Jim who?’ ~ ‘Jim mind if I come in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Judy’ ~ ‘Judy who!’ ~ ‘Judy liver newspapers?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Juicy’ ~ ‘Juicy who!’ ~ ‘Juicy what I just saw!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Justin’ ~ ‘Justin who?’ ~ ‘Justin time to let me in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ken’ ~ ‘Ken who?’ ~ ‘Ken I come in, it’s freezing out here?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Kenya’ ~ ‘Kenya who?’ ~ ‘Kenya not guess who is it?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ketchup’ ~ ‘Ketchup who?’ ~ ‘Ketchup with me and I’ll tell you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lena’ ~ ‘Lena who?’ ~ ‘Lena little closer and I’ll tell you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lettuce’ ~ ‘Lettuce who?’ ~ ‘Lettuce in and I’ll tell you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Little old lady’ ~ ‘Little old lady who?’ ~ ‘I didn’t know you could yodel!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lucy’ ~ ‘Lucy who?’ ~ ‘Lucy Lastic can be embarrassing!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lydia’ ~ ‘Lydia who?’ ~ ‘Lydia teapot is broken!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Major’ ~ ‘Major who?’ ~ ‘Major answer didn’t I!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mandy’ ~ ‘Mandy who?’ ~ ‘Mandy lifeboats, we’re sinking!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mary’ ~ ‘Mary who?’ ~ ‘Mary Christmas!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Me’ ~ ‘Me who?’ ~ ‘I didn’t know you had a cat!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Midas’ ~ ‘Midas who?’ ~ ‘Midas well open the door!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mister’ ~ ‘Mister who?’ ~ ‘Mister last bus home!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mort’ ~ ‘Mort who?’ ~ ‘Mort to the point, who are you?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Muffin’ ~ ‘Muffin who?’ ~ ‘Muffin the matter with me, how about you?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Nicholas’ ~ ‘Nicholas who?’ ~ ‘Nicholas girls shouldn’t climb trees!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Noah’ ~ ‘Noah who?’ ~ ‘Noah don’t know who you are either!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Nobody’ ~ ‘Nobody who?’ ~ ‘Just nobody!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Noise’ ~ ‘Noise who?’ ~ ‘Noise to see you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Norma’ ~ ‘Norma who?’ ~ ‘Normally I have a key!’

‘Neutrino…’ ‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’…

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Oil’ ~ ‘Oil who?’ ~ ‘Oil be seeing you as soon as you let me in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Olga’ ~ ‘Olga who?’ ~ ‘Olga home if you don’t open this door!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Olive’ ~ ‘Olive who?’ ~ ‘Olive next door to you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Omelette’ ~ ‘Omelette who?’ ~ ‘Omeletting the cat in, open the door!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Opportunity’ ~ ‘Don’t be silly, opportunity doesn’t knock twice!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Orange’ ~ ‘Orange who?’ ~ ‘Orange you going to let me in?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Oreo’ ~ ‘Oreo who?’ ~ ‘When Oreo going to open this door!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Owl’ ~ ‘Owl who?’ ~ ‘Owl I can say is knock knock!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Paul’ ~ ‘Paul who?’ ~ ‘Paul harder, the door’s stuck again!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Pier’ ~ ‘Pier who?’ ~ ‘Pier through the keyhole and you’ll see!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Plato’ ~ ‘Plato who?’ ~ ‘Plato fish and chips please’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Quaint’ ~ ‘Quaint who?’ ~ ‘Quaint you going to let me in?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Qualm’ ~ ‘Qualm who?’ ~ ‘Qualm before the storm!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Quay’ ~ ‘Quay who?’ ~ ‘Quay pon leaving me out here and there’ll be trouble!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Queue’ ~ ‘Queue who?’ ~ ‘Queue can let me in now!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Quit’ ~ ‘Quit who?’ ~ ‘Quit locking me out!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Renata’ ~ ‘Renata who?’ ~ ‘Renata milk; could I borrow some?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Robin’ ~ ‘Robin who?’ ~ ‘Robin the rich to give to the poor!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Salmon’ ~ ‘Salmon who?’ ~ ‘Salmon chanted evening, you may see a stranger…’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sari’ ~ ‘Sari who?’ ~ ‘Sari, wrong house!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Says’ ~ ‘Says who?’ ~ ‘Says me, that’s who!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Scold’ ~ ‘Scald who?’ ~ ‘Scald outside, let me in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Scott’ ~ ‘Scott who?’ ~ ‘Scott nothing to do with you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sesame’ ~ ‘Sesame who?’ ~ ‘Open sesame!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Seymour’ ~ ‘Seymour who?’ ~ ‘Seymour if you had glass in the door’

‘Knock, knock, knock!, Penny? ‘Knock, knock, knock!, Penny? ‘Knock, knock, knock!, Penny? ~ ‘SHELDON!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sherwood’ ~ ‘Sherwood who?’ ~ ‘Sherwood like to come in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Shirley’ ~ ‘Shirley who?’ ~ ‘Shirley you know who I am?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Signor’ ~ ‘Signor who?’ ~ ‘Signor light on, so I knocked!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sloane’ ~ ‘Sloane who?’ ~ ‘Sloanely outside, let me in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sofa’ ~ ‘Sofa who?’ ~ ‘Sofa, so good, now let me in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sonia’ ~ ‘Sonia who?’ ~ ‘Sonia postman with a parcel!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Snow’ ~ ‘Snow who?’ ~ ‘Snow good asking me, I don’t know!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Stan’ ~ ‘Stan who?’ ~ ‘Stan back, I’m coming in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Stopwatch’ ~ ‘Stopwatch who?’ ~ ‘Stopwatch you’re doing and let me in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sultan’ ~ ‘Sultan who?’ ~ ‘Sultan pepper!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tank’ ~ ‘Tank who?’ ~ ‘You’re welcome!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tennis’ ~ ‘Tennis who?’ ~ ‘Tennis five plus five!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Teresa’ ~ ‘Teresa who?’ ~ ‘Teresa green!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Thayer’ ~ ‘Thayer who?’ ~ ‘Thayer sorry and I won’t thay another thing!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Thermos’ ~ ‘Thermos who?’ ~ ‘Thermos be a better knock knock joke than this!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Whose their?’ ~ ‘The spelling police!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Thistle’ ~ ‘Thistle who?’ ~ ‘Thistle be the last time I knock on this door!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tish’ ~ ‘Tish who?’ ~ ‘Bless you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Titus’ ~ ‘Titus who?’ ~ ‘Titus it can be!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘To’ ~ ‘To who?’ ~ ‘No, no, no; to whom!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tobias’ ~ ‘Tobias who?’ ~ ‘Tobias a pig, that’s why I went to market!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Toby’ ~ ‘Toby who?’ ~ ‘Toby or not Toby, that is the question!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Toodle’ ~ ‘Toodle who?’ ~ ‘Goodbye!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Toucan’ ~ ‘Toucan who?’ ~ ‘Toucan live as cheaply as one!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Touch’ ~ ‘Touch who?’ ~ ‘Touch me and I’ll scream!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tuba’ ~ ‘Tuba who?’ ~ ‘Tuba toothpaste!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tuna’ ~ ‘Tuna who?’ ~ ‘You can tuna a piano, but you can’t tuna fish!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Turner’ ~ ‘Turner who?’ ~ ‘Turner round, there’s something behind you!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Turnip’ ~ ‘Turnip who?’ ~ ‘Turnip late again and your fired!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Twit’ ~ ‘Twit who?’ ~ ‘Do you have an owl in there?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Uphill’ ~ ‘Uphill who?’ ~ ‘Uphill’s easier to swallow with water!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Uruguay’ ~ ‘Uruguay who?’ ~ ‘Uraguay and I’m a girl!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Vanda’ ~ ‘Vanda who?’ ~ ‘Vanda you vant me to come in?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Verdi’ ~ ‘Verdi who?’ ~ ‘Verdi you get those curtains?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Waddle’ ~ ‘Waddle who?’ ~ ‘Waddle you give me to go away?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Waiter’ ~ ‘Waiter who?’ ~ ‘Waiter minute, it’ll come back to me…’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wanda’ ~ ‘Wanda who?’ ~ ‘Wanda when you’ll let me in?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wander’ ~ ‘Wander who?’ ~ ‘Wander buy some cookies?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ward’ ~ ‘Ward who?’ ~ ‘Ward do you care who it is?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Watson’ ~ ‘Watson who?’ ~ ‘Watson the menu today?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wayne’ ~ ‘Wayne who?’ ~ ‘Wayne are you going to let me in?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Weaken’ ~ ‘Weaken who?’ ~ ‘Weaken work it out, just let me in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Will’ ~ ‘Will who?’ ~ ‘Will you let me in please?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wilma’ ~ ‘Wilma who?’ ~ ‘Wilma lunch be ready soon?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Woo! ’ ~ ‘Woo who?’ ~ ‘Don’t sound so excited, we’re Trick or Treaters dressed as ghosts. Now give us cash.’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wooden shoe’ ~ ‘Wooden shoe who?’ ~ ‘Wooden shoe like to know!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Xenia’ ~ ‘Xenia who?’ ~ ‘Xenia through the keyhole!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Xenophile’ ~ ‘Xenophile who?’ ~ ‘Xenophile anywhere? I’ve lost mine!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘X-ray’ ~ ‘X-ray who?’ ~ ‘X-ray Ted!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yah’ ~ ‘Yah who?’ ~ ‘Ride em cowboy!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yam’ ~ ‘Yam who?’ ~ ‘I Yam what I yam!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yelp’ ~ ‘Yelp who?’ ~ ‘Yelp me please, by dose is stuck in the keyhole!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘You’ ~ ‘You who?’ ~ ‘Did you call?’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yukon’ ~ ‘Yukon who?’ ~ ‘Yukon let me in now!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yul’ ~ ‘Yul who?’ ~ ‘Yul never guess!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yvonne’ ~ ‘Yvonne who?’ ~ ‘Yvonne to come in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zap’ ~ ‘Zap who?’ ~ ‘Zap bout time you opened this door!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zealot’ ~ ‘Zealot who?’ ~ ‘Zealot of us waiting to come in!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zebra’ ~ ‘Zebra who?’ ~ ‘Zebra iz too tight, I voot like to exchange it for a larger size!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zepher’ ~ ‘Zepher who?’ ~ ‘Zepher nately time to open the door!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zero’ ~ ‘Zero who?’ ~ ‘Zero of ze doorbells are all broken, so I had to knock!’

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zone’ ~ ‘Zone who?’ ~ ‘Zonely me, can I come in?’

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Star Trek gags

Official 40th Anniversary Star Trek logo. Copyright 2007 Paramount Pictures and CBS Studios Inc.
Official 40th Anniversary Star Trek logo. Copyright 2007 Paramount Pictures and CBS Studios Inc.

A small miscellaneous collection of jokes for Trekkies, linked, however loosely, to various Star Trek TV series.

Well, you have to start with THE classic:

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? ~ Three: the left ear, the right ear and the final front ear

Mr Spock has pointed ears and Mr Scott has engineers

Why was Star Trek so successful? ~ It had good Genes

‘Bones’ McCoy: “I’ve borrowed Mr Scott’s bagpipes” ~ Kirk: “But you can’t play them” ~ ‘Bones’ McCoy: “While I’ve got them, neither can he”

New Year resolution ► “It’s life gym, but not as we know it.”

Why did Worf change his hair colour? ~ It was a good day to dye

Will Riker’s dating philosophy: ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try Troi again’

What do Romulan frogs use for camouflage? ~ A croaking device

The Ferengi have opened a new restaurant on the Moon; the food’s great, but there’s no atmosphere

What’s Jean-Luc’s favourite card trick? ~ Picard, any card

Ernest BORG 9
Ernest BORG 9
The Borg ~ Wrappers are futile; chocolate will be assimilated

We are the Borg; ESC is futile, CTRL is inevitable, your files will be assimilated

Star Trek Books

‘Chekov The Navigator’ I Kiptin

‘Data’s Positronic Brain’ Anne Droid

‘Resist’ Stan Sisfutile

‘You’ Will B Assimilated

‘Make it Sew’ #1 Needlework book ~ Jean-Luc Picard

Changing a light bulb

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? ~ Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? ~ None, because Klingons aren’t afraid of the dark

How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb? ~ Two; one to change it and one to sell the old bulb as an antique

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? ~ All of them collectively

Live long and prosperHow many Enterprise crew members does it take to change a light bulb? ~ Three; one to change it and two red shirted security men to die in the process

Crossing the road

Why did Mr Scott’s chicken cross the road? ~ Because it couldna take much morrrrrrre!

Why did the Vulcan chicken cross the road? ~ It was the logical thing to do

Why did the Borg cross the road? ~ To assimilate the chicken



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Tommy Cooper One-liners

Tommy Cooper (1921 – 1984) was a very popular British comedian and magician, who tragically died in the middle of his act on live television. A very funny but flawed man who made a lot of people laugh. I think it’s time to revisit some of his old, traditional but funny, one-liners.

A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’

A man walks into a greengrocer’s and says: ‘I want five pounds of potatoes please.’ And the greengrocer says: ‘We only sell kilos.’ So the man says: ‘Alright then, I’ll have five pounds of kilos.’

I went to Millets and said: ‘I want to buy a tent.’ He said: ‘To camp?’ I said: (butchly) ‘Sorry, I want to buy a tent.’ I said: ‘I also want to buy a caravan.’ He said: ‘Camper?’ I said: (campily) ‘Make your mind up.’

Now here’s a quick laugh. Do this tomorrow. Walk into an antiques shop and shout: ‘What’s new?’

I went into the bank today. I said: ‘Could you check my balance?’ They pushed me over!

A man goes into a petshop. He says: ‘I’d like to buy a wasp please.’ The shopkeeper says: ‘Sorry Sir, but we don’t sell wasps.’ Man says: ‘But you’ve got one in the window!!’

I got into the ring with Muhammad Ali once and I had him worried for a while. He thought he’d killed me!

Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side. She had to. We’ve only got one chair.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

A man goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that he has three minutes to live. ‘Doctor what can you give me?’ The man says. ‘A hard boiled egg,’ says the doctor.

A child of three can do this trick. I wish he was here now.

Just before the show the producer took me to one side. And left me there. He said: ‘How do you feel tonight?’ I said: ‘A bit funny’ He said: ‘Well get out there before it wears off.’

Did you hear that joke about the fire-eater? She hiccuped and cremated herself.

I met this man at the airport and I asked him if he’d like to share a taxi with me. He said he would, I said: ‘You take the engine, I’ll take the wheels!’

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A woman stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said: ‘What do you want?’ ‘I’d like to stay here’ ‘Ok. Stay there.’

My wife wanted to go to the ballet. I said: ‘I’m not going to sit and watch a lot of people on their toes in long underwear.’ She said: ‘You don’t have to. Wear your tuxedo.’

I always call a spade a spade, until the other night when I stepped on one in the dark.

I’ve got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!

This old man was dying and he called his nephew to his bedside. He said: ‘I’m leaving you all my money.’ The nephew said: ‘Thank you, Uncle. What can I do for you?’ He said: ‘Get your foot off my oxygen tube.’

Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’

In days of old, when knights were bold, the king turned to his knight and said: ‘What have you been doing today?’ The knight said: ‘I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf, burning the villages of your enemies in the north.’ The King said: ‘But I don’t have any enemies in the north.’ The knight said: ‘I’m afraid you do now.’

Stand in a library and go ‘Aaagghh!’ and everyone just stares at you. But do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I love bathing beauties, but the trouble is I never bathe any.

When the nurse told my mother she had an eight-pound bundle of joy, she said: ‘Thank God, the laundry’s back!’

When I asked her to whisper those three little words that would make me walk on air, she said: ‘Sure… go hang yourself.’

My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’

My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the light bulb.

I swam the English Channel once. ‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’ Lengthwise?

I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamed that Brigitte Bardot came up to me and said: ‘I will grant you three wishes. Now what are the other two?’

A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’

I’m recovering from a cold. I’m so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I’ll cure someone.

A woman told her doctor: ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor said: ‘It’s old age.’ The woman said: ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says: ‘OK. You’re ugly as well.’

A woman phoned her husband and said: ‘The carburettor is full of water.’ ‘Where’s the car?’ the man said. ‘In the river,’ she replied.

I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!

In Las Vegas, they gamble everywhere. I went into a drug store for an aspirin and the girl behind the counter said: ‘I’ll toss you, double or nothing.’ I lost. I came out with two headaches.

I said to the girl in the shop: ‘I want to buy a hat.’ She said: ‘Fedora?’ I said: ‘No, for myself!’

I was showing my wife this one. I said: ‘Look at this dear.’ I always call her dear. She’s got antlers growing out of the side of her head.

I was woken up this morning by a tap on the door. I must remember to get the plumber to take it off.

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said: ‘Parking Fine.’

I knew a hypochondriac who wouldn’t visit the Dead Sea until he found out what it died of!

She still plays the piano by ear… but sometimes her earrings get in the way.

A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’ He said: ‘What?’

I went to the doctor the other day, I said: ‘I’ve broken my leg in three places.’ He said: ‘Don’t go to those places.’

I got into this taxi and I said to the driver: ‘King Arthur’s Close.’ And the driver said: ‘Don’t worry Tommy, I’ll shake him off at the first corner.’

This guy bought his wife a burial plot for her birthday. The following year, when he bought her nothing, she complained. He said: ‘What are you complaining about? You didn’t use the present I bought you last year!’

The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: ‘Would you please blow into this bag, Sir’ I said: ‘What for, Officer?’ He says: ‘My chips are too hot.’

When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’ I grabbed the nurse!

People learn something new every day. Why, just today, my wife learned that a car won’t climb a telephone pole.

It wasn’t easy to get us kids to eat olives. I had to start off on Martinis!

I came from a very poor family of five children. We all used to sleep in the same bed. In fact, I never slept alone until I got married.

I went to see the doctor the other day. I had to. He was ill.

A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’ The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’

Once I painted a girl in the nude and I almost froze to death.

This fellow walked into a bar with a chicken under one arm and a crocodile under the other. The barman said, ‘What’ll you have?’ He said: ‘A whisky and soda.’ Then the crocodile spoke up and said: ‘I’ll have a gin and tonic.’ The barman said: ‘That’s amazing. I’ve never seen a crocodile that could talk before.’ He said: ‘He can’t. The chicken’s a ventriloquist.’



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Even More MumblingNerd Stuff


Even more of my previously unpublished Twitter posts and daft comments:

I’m not getting on very well with this keyboard; it’s just not my type.

I only asked for a leg of lamb from our butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.

While I was waiting at the airport recently I heard a Scottish dating advert; “Free Wife, Aye”

I’m feeling rubbish today; this always happens when I put the trash out.

An Australian friend asked me if I thought his bad eye would see better with glasses, so I said ‘Good eye might’.

I should’ve picked the cactus up with my left hand, now I feel a right prick.

I used to rest on my laurels, but then I had them cut down and a fence put up.

Does the phrase; ‘two daft male cattle’ contain more than one silly bull?

I’d always wanted to win a pastry throwing competition, but it was just pie in the sky.

I have more silent drum kits than you can shake a stick at… ah, just realised where I’m going wrong.

I have a yen to visit Tokyo.

LMAO… damn, now where am I going to sit?

The jockey who is always first past the post must be the reining champion.

Blood is thicker than water, although that’s irrelevant even when mixing fruit cordials for relatives.

The writing is on the wall for graffiti.

I’ve been involved in a dispute about sharpening tree felling tools, but then I did have an axe to grind.

Horse meat was once sold in a lot of British butcher shops, but they were flogging a dead horse.

I’ve been burning the candle at both ends and now I’m at my wicks end.

I’m so angry after being hit in the face by a fake Chinese vase; I’m faux Ming at the mouth.

I had a dream about two countries ruled by pets; it was reigning cats and dogs.

William Tell’s son was the apple of his eye.

I started to look out the window to see what the weather was up to, but decided to give it a rain check.

Pheasants, turkeys, geese, partridges, chickens and ducks; a decidedly poultry list composed entirely of fowl language.

I’m absolutely and utterly infatuated and totally LOVE hyperbole!

If you’re responsible for ripping a dollar in half then don’t pass the buck.

If Egyptians renounced the use of ketchup, would that be the sauce of denial?

I managed to buy twelve rare collectable postcards for only 10 US cents, but then found out they were a dime a dozen.

I can’t decide if I like this variable temperature hair dryer; I’m blowing hot and cold.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless the two in the bush are sought after by collectors.

A friend of ours works as a hairdresser for the police, but it wasn’t his first brush with the law.

Went to get food at a takeaway, but changed my mind because the owner had a chip on his shoulder.

Milliners are very irritable; they can get angry at the drop of a hat.

My work is piling up because of this tree trunk on my shoulders, although it’s only a small back log.

I never thought I’d determine what this gateau is; but it turned out to be a piece of cake.

I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. I’m trapped in a tiny gap next to the wall.

If a priest kept making the sign of the cross at a fancy dress party, would it be a blessing in disguise?

Avoid tabloid journalists; hack shuns speak louder than words.

I tried backing up my PC, but I had to stop when I got to the wall.

Is there any truth in the old saying “Absinthe makes the fart grow longer”?

Amputations cost an arm and a leg these days.

The vet suggested I try the carrot and stick approach with our cat, but sellotape won’t stick to the carrot, or the cat…

Using chopsticks on rice goes against the grain.

If doctor’s self medicate, do they get a taste of their own medicine?

Don’t worry about ferry crossings; we’re all in the same boat.

Take some proper topiary lessons and stop beating about the bush.

A fool and his money are easily parted; that’s why so many clowns fall for email scams.

Eco friendly computers can be constructed from the outer layers of tree trunks, but they turn out to be all bark and no byte.

Chocolate’s a good thing isn’t it? So how come you can have too much of a good thing?

Is YO! Sushi the derivation of the phrase ‘what goes around, comes around’?

‘The ability of one compound to dissolve in another compound’ ~ Surely there has to be a solution here?

Don’t repair timepieces; you’ll always be working against the clock.

The sponge is good, but the frosting is the icing on the cake.

If wind is gusting, when it ceases, is it disgusting?

Presumably McDonald’s car park ‘Reverse with care’ notice is a back-up sign?

British Waterways are encouraging canal users to change their locks regularly.

I bumped into our local Domino’s Pizza recently; if it had fallen down, would it have taken all the other Domino’s with it?

I’ve been online for hours today; so now all the washing is hanging up to dry I can get back to the internet.

My blog has a new ‘subscriber’; he’s a calligrapher and he paints signs on submarines.

I owned an abacus when I was an art student; I was part of the counter-culture.

I used to mix up ‘follicular’ and ‘funicular’, which led to some very hairy train rides.

In a recent poll 1 in 10 single men would rather have an iPad than a new partner; gives a whole new meaning to “Coming back to my pad?”

Queen Elizabeth was in Wales on the ‘second leg’ of her Diamond Jubilee tour; presumably the ‘third leg’ was the Isle of Man?

I think river valleys are gorgeous.

I’ve always been interested in the history of millinery, but it’s a bit old hat now.

I had to sell all the rabbits and pheasants, because I didn’t want to give the game away.

I’d like the sun to return, but fog will never be mist.

I drove to the supermarket with a tiny carrot; I was in such a hurry I had to take the shortest root.

I’m supercilious today; that’s like normal cilious, but I’m also wearing a cape.

Apparently the Dalai Lama is not actually a Llama.

I did a roll call in the kitchen this morning, but as none replied I had sliced wholemeal.

I’ve been checking out those ‘100 Things To Do Before You Die’ lists and not one of them has “Shout for help”.

People say love is blind, but I can’t see it myself.

The trouble with masturbation jokes is that they can rub people up the wrong way.

Oceanographers don’t like to be tide up.

Edward Scissorhands wore contact lenses; he should have gone to Specsavers.

Doughnuts are very good for you; as long as you eat the hole thing.

Reading the dictionary is tiring; by the time you reach the end it’s zzzzzzz…

Is ketchup like spring water; bottled at sauce?

Whenever I update my iPhone I get that terrible syncing feeling.

If my punning is worse as I get older; does that mean I’ve groan-up?

I was explaining something to someone when they said “I’ll take your word for it” so I’ve had them charged with plagiarism.

I’ve been obsessing over a broken handle today; I need to get a grip.

If I had an irrational fear of bridges, how would I get over it?

I saw someone tearing off a newspaper coupon today; I wish they’d cut it out.

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