#TopTenTips

#TopTenTips#TopTenTips No1:
AVOID TEARS WHEN CHOPPING ONIONS ►
A simple trick; don’t get emotionally involved.

#TopTenTips No2:
HOW TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET ►
Just kidding; stuff it in the cupboard.

#TopTenTips No3:
PREVENT APPLES BROWNING IN YOUR CHILDS’ LUNCHBOX ►
Give them chocolate.

#TopTenTips No4:
HOW TO MAKE A ROOM EASY TO CLEAN ►
Don’t have pets, children or partners.

#TopTenTips No5:
CARING FOR PETS AFTER NEUTERING ►
Ask someone else to do it while you recover from the operation.

#TopTenTips No6:
CUT OUT COUPONS ►
Simply cut out collecting coupons, it’s a complete waste of time and energy.

#TopTenTips No7:
HOW TO KEEP WASPS AWAY ►
Fling jam into neighbouring gardens.

#TopTenTips No8:
BUY FOOD WHEN IT’S IN SEASON ►
For example, chocolate is always in season.

#TopTenTips No9:
SAVE ON FOOD BILLS AND LOOSE WEIGHT ►
Ignore ‘Sell By’ dates and get free meals while you recover in hospital.

#TopTenTips No10:
HOW TO STORE VIDEO TAPES AND CASSETTES ►
Digitise and throw them out.

#TopTenTips No11:
MAKE YOUR HOME A GREEN ENVIRONMENT ►
Encourage mould and algae.

#TopTenTips No12:
GET MORE TIME TO DO STUFF ►
Delete Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, Google+ and LinkedIn, then trash your mobile/cell phone.


 

 

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My Nottingham destination print

My Nottingham destination print

 

For other information about Nottingham click here

 

If you want to know more about Nottingham’s past there is further information in ‘Events and dates in Nottingham’s history’ and through these websites:

The Nottinghamshire Heritage Gateway

The Thoroton Society of Nottinghamshire

Nottingham Local Studies Library

 

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Yet More MumblingNerd Stuff

 

Yet more of my previously unpublished Twitter posts and daft comments:

Grim ReaperStaring at the back of a monitor is pointless; always look on the bright side.

I used to live next to a very quiet tennis equipment manufacturer, I was lucky; normally they made a racket.

Finding out how to preserve pork with salt has really saved my bacon.

It’s not middle age spread; it’s just that my genes don’t fit properly.

I used to enjoy working in a mattress factory, except at spring time.

My shoe came off and I dropped a fondant fancy; now I’m footloose and fancy free.

Take life one day at a time, but always take chocolates two at a time.

I had a flat in the hilly part of Nottingham, before that I had a flat in the flat part, now I’m in the hilly part, but I don’t have a flat.

Has anyone found out what Larry is so happy about?

I don’t adhere to the belief that super glue is a bonding experience; there’s no resin for it, so it’s a complete paste of time.

According to the UK weather map this morning; people on the west coast of Wales will need a Cardigan.

Never mind the horse meat saga; rumour has it that moussaka contains no mouse and ratatouille is rodent free.

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth; but my parents never received an apology from the hospital.

A friend kindly passed me their salt cellar without turning around; but it may have been a backhanded condiment.

I’m itching to visit a Flea Market.

Lunchtime, and I’ve just found out that my horseradish sauce has beef in it.

I’m so angry someone put soap in my drink I’m foaming at the mouth.

Fit as a fiddle, viable as a violin, chilled as a cello and deep as a double bass, but there are strings attached.

I might have eaten something that’s past its best; I just have this gut feeling.

I’m a DAB hand at tuning my radio in.

Prince Charles is constantly referred to as heir apparent, but surely his hairline is no one else’s business?

I remember important dates, such as 1066, but the rest are history.

A friend who empties cesspits with a truck was involved in a road accident, he wasn’t injured, but he had a terrible freight.

I invested in a paper aeroplane company, but it folded.

I also foolishly invested in a failing graffiti business; I hadn’t seen the writing on the wall.

A mystic set up a divinatory card reading business for cattle and it failed miserably; it was a Tarot bull way to go.

TV news showed radioactive bullocks resting in the sun near the Fukushima nuclear plant; is this an example of glow bull warming?

I tried to set up a unique Déjà Vu Travel Company, but the focus group said they had seen it all before.

I have such a large vinyl record collection that I’ve barely scratched the surface.

140 characters are perfect; if Twitter had 144 that would be gross.

When a race takes place in Finland, what is the Finish line called?

The Grim Reaper’s hairstylist has just had a brush with death.

I tried cooking something from the ‘Titanic Cookbook’; it was a recipe for disaster, but it did go down well.

Soaking for too long in the bath really creases me up.

My physiotherapist says I’m getting taller, but I think he’s just pulling my leg.

Why do we spend the first few years teaching children to walk and talk, and the next decade telling them to sit down and shut up?

Sheep rustling? What would make sheep rustle; tin foil, taffeta, newspaper, gift wrap?

Just bought a large block of cheddar; some grate times ahead.

Atoms are made up of small subatomic particles called protons, neutrons, electrons and morons #MyAtomsHaveExtraMorons

I’ve been on the edge of my seat all evening. I should move the cat really, but he looks so comfortable.

I have a tortuous joke about marathons, but it won’t fit on Twitter; it’s a long running gag.

A cattle farmer has had to withdraw from a marathon due to a calf injury.

I’m thinking of setting up a business selling sesame seeds; it might open a few doors.

I’ve been trying on very expensive pullovers, but at these prices I think I’m having the wool pulled over my eyes.

Following floods, headlines often announce problems with ‘raw sewage’, but what if it was properly cooked?

If Cinderella’s shoe was a perfect fit, why did it fall off in the first place?

Apparently you can use matchsticks to help you stay awake; that’s a real eye-opener.

You know that slightly desperate feeling you get when you have to look at the second page of Google answers…

Please Note ► People making Schrödinger’s cat jokes today will be regarded as ‘Wanted, Dead or Alive’ by the Joke Regulator.

If you had a blind date with an optician, would you make a spectacle of yourself?

I think I’ve lost an electron; you’ve really got to keep an ion them.

How do headphones tie themselves in knots when you’re not looking?

When I kicked the bucket my toe hurt so much I could have died.

I’m so Hungary Iran to the fridge to Czech for Turkey, but Norway I could eat it with all that Greece. Now I’m Russian out for a Danish.

A scheme has been launched to find out what makes a good timepiece, so far the search has gone like clockwork.

13 out of 12 people don’t know what a baker’s dozen is.

A message keeps displaying on our TV; ‘No Signal’, but we use Colgate anyway.

I have class written all over me; fortunately it wasn’t a permanent ink marker.

Sales of adult diapers have decreased on islands and increased in continents.

Phone reception was terrible in Yorkshire; although one day next to a field of sheep I did get up to three baas.

I watched Walt Disney being interviewed once; he was very animated.

I love dictionaries; they add meaning to everything.

How do cutlery manufacturers manage when they can only get forklift trucks?

WARNING: If someone sends you a link to the new Justin Bieber single, DON’T CLICK ON IT! It’s a link to the new Justin Bieber single.

Couch potato? Sounds delicious; does anyone have a recipe? I’d look for one, but I’m reclining in front of the TV.

It’s late and I just put the cat out. I’ve still no idea how he caught fire.

L M N ► Tree ► May ► Deer ► What’s On

‘Sink your iPhone’ is an expensive typo.

I entered a jazz hands competition and won hands down.

I played cricket last week and lost. I’d no idea they could jump that high.

I stopped at a fork in the road, but quickly moved on; what I really needed was a spoon.

Whenever I attend a word play seminar I have a punini for lunch.

If my salary was paid in sodium chloride, I’d salt it away in the cellar.

I tried following my dreams, but I fell off the bed.

I intended to start the day with a clean slate, but when it came down to it I opted for traditional crockery.

I’ve upgraded my old analogue digits to digital digits. My wedding ring doesn’t fit as well though.

I was in a field of spring flowers today singing “Daisy, Daisy / Give me your answer, do.” No reply.

I can’t find my mouse pointer. Mind you, I’ve only conducted a cursory search.

 

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Punicious Punography

Punicious PunographyI used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; it’s impossible to put down.

I’m glad I know sign language; it comes in handy.

If towels could tell jokes, they would probably have a dry sense of humour.

Police were called to a nursery where a three year old was resisting a rest.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

A man had his left arm and leg amputated; he’s all right now.

I wondered why the football was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

If you asked a plastic surgeon to make you look like a pelican, would you get a massive bill?

When ancient wall sculptors finished their work, it was a relief.

Someone left a piece of Plasticine in my house. I didn’t know what to make of it.

As one frog croaked to the other; “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”

Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas because he felt his presents.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.

Just watched a religious order playing stringed instruments; there’s too much sects and violins on TV these days.

I nearly lost my frog puppet recently; it tried to Kermit suicide.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

I saw a kidnapping today, but decided not to wake him up.

I’ve spilt glue all over my autobiography. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I’ve just eaten a very hard biscuit; that was one tough cookie.

There are a few grave diggers wandering around the local graveyard; I think they’ve lost the plot.

I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.

Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Palaeontologists thought they’d found new evidence of a missing link, but it was just another fossil arm.

There’s a terrible smell in the local Apple store; it’s a shame they don’t have Windows.

I use my iPhone when I can’t get to sleep; I have a nap for it.

I found out why our refuse collectors are so miserable; they’ve been down in the dumps.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office DVD is in big trouble; you have my Word.

A woman said she’d recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

What do you call someone with neither a body nor a nose? Nobody nose.

I heard a song about a tortilla today; actually it was more of a wrap.

I decided not to return to my drumming lessons for fear of the repercussions.

I heard that OXYGEN and MAGNESIUM were going out and I was like O Mg!

If the devil ever loses his hair there will be hell toupée.

If anyone knows a really good fish pun, let minnow.

When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

Ban singing in football stadiums? No chants.

I’m reading an excellent book about where people keep their cutlery; it’s top drawer.

I like to sing songs without choruses, but usually I refrain.

Would you like to know my secret to being a successful mime artist? I’m saying nothing.

My wife asked me to mend the plug on her fan; I simply refused.

Why do you never hear a pterodactyl use a toilet? Because the P is silent.

I haven’t done the hokey cokey in years. As you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

I just read an advert for a job inspecting mirrors; I could really see myself doing that.

I have an irrational fear of speed bumps; but I’m slowly getting over it.

People who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

Picasso once had a job as a stadium illustrator; he always drew a big crowd.

I worked in a paperless office once; everyone avoided the toilets.

The invention of the pickaxe was ground breaking.

I had to fire a masseuse today; she was rubbing people up the wrong way.

Apparently, the Sydney Opera House is off quay.

I have a very successful business building yachts in the attic; sails are going through the roof.

I often get a lift from an old school friend who always drives in reverse gear; we do go back a long way.

People keep telling me I’m too sceptical, but I don’t believe them.

I found some great puns at the drapers while I was looking for new material.

This book of incantations is useless; the author didn’t use a spell checker.

I’ve ordered a reversible jacket; I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

I used to enjoy archery, but it has its drawbacks.

Will glass coffins prove popular? Remains to be seen.

If you were sent down for a few years, it could be used to stuff quilts.

I know a professor who had his appendix removed, but he still has a full set of footnotes and an extensive bibliography.

Parachute For Sale: only used once, never opened, small stain.

I don’t like my tennis coach’s serve, so I keep returning it.

I swallowed some food colouring by accident and now I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I used to hate maths but then I realised decimals have a point.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

Last year I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet.

My therapist has suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

On maps of Florida the key is always at the bottom.

I wonder which bright spark invented fire?

I’ve started a joke courier business; I can’t take anything seriously.

My daughter said I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

I was almost crushed recently by a pile of books, but I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

I’ve just been on iTunes trying to sync ‘The Titanic’.

Dry erase boards are remarkable.

A man walks into a betting shop and asks “Can I back a horse in here?” The bookmaker nods, so the man shouts “Okay Jim, back her in!”

Two cats are swimming across a river. One’s name is ‘One Two Three’ and the other’s name is ‘Un Deux Trois.’ Who makes it across? One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

What’s the bear minimum? One bear.

I went to a duck fancying club once. It was pretty fowl.

I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

 

 

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Another ‘about’ MumblingNerd

Roy Manterfield (23 Feb 2013)Some things that I like, appreciate, use and think about…

Enthusiastically | Frequently | Occasionally | Specifically | Previously

But not in any particular order… ah, well, actually they’re in alphabetical order ►

Afternoon tea Airfix
Alaska Alzheimer’s Society
Amnesty International Archery
Art galleries Atheism
Avaaz BBC
Beaches Beatles
Berlin Bettys Café Tea Rooms
Birmingham Black Adder
Blogging Blondie
Blueberry pancakes, bacon and maple syrup Books
Bookshops Boston
Bread Breakfast
Brussels Brussels sprouts
California Carl Sagan
Castles Cats
Cheese Chicago
Chocolate Cinema
Coastline Coffee
Comedy Cotton
Cumbria Dawn chorus
Death Valley Delicious bookmarking
Derbyshire deviantART
Devon Douglas Adams
Draft Guinness Dr Who
Eating Edinburgh
Facebook Family
Fawlty Towers Fencing
Ferns Foo Fighters
Fruit Genealogy
George Carlin Glasgow
Google+ Google Chrome
Grand Canyon Graphic design
Groucho Marx Hancock’s Half Hour
Hats Helvetica
History Holidays
Hotel Chocolat Hot weather
Humour Iain M Banks
Ian Dury and the Blockheads I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue
Interlaken Internet
iPhone Jazz
John Lewis Partnership Just a Minute
Lady Gaga Laughing
Leather Leeds
Leicester Lego
Liberalism LinkedIn
Maine Maps
Marmite Merlot
Milton Jones Monty Python
Morecambe and Wise MSWord
Museums Music
Neil deGrasse Tyson Newcastle
New England News
Newspapers New York
Northumberland Norway
Nottingham Nuts
Oak trees Oslo
Paper Parks
Paris PC
Photography Pianos
Pink Floyd Pinot Grigio
Pinot Noir Pinterest
Ponds Prague
Public libraries Public transport
Punk Rock Puns
Punsr QR Codes
Radio 4 Railways
Reading Robin Hood Tax
Rock pools Rolling countryside
Rolling Stones San Francisco
Savannah Saxophones
Scotland Seattle
Sequentiality Sheffield
Shopping Sid Meier’s Civilization
Sir Patrick Moore Snowdonia
Social networking Speculative fiction
Spicy food Spring
Star Trek Steam engines
Stephen Fry Stone
Stranglers Strawberries
Sushi Switzerland
Tea Teddy bears
Television Tim Minchin
Toast Tommy Cooper
Torchwood Toronto
Touchscreens Trams
Travelling Trees
Twitpic Twitter
Typography Vancouver
Venice Victor Borge
Violins Wargaming
Washington DC Water
Wikipedia Wimbledon Championship
Wine Wood
Woodland Word play
WordPress Words
Yoga Yorkshire
Yosemite National Park Zurich



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Shopping jokes

Shopping jokesI bought some new electric garden trimmers; they’re cutting-hedge technology.

‘VENI, VEDI, VISA’: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

I thought I’d visit some different stores, but when you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.

I think the local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew its seams.

Never get behind the Devil in a Post Office queue, for the Devil has many forms.

I’m going to a local shop for the first time; I’ve no idea what’s in store.

A ladder has been stolen from a hardware store; the manager says that further steps will be taken.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers today, but I couldn’t find any.

Plastic surgery is very expensive; amputations cost an arm and a leg.

Why can’t fishmongers be more generous? Because their business makes them sell fish.

I went to the music shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said: ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

A shopkeeper just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might be a heroine dealer.

I went to the hardware store to buy a curtain rod and the manager asked me how long I’d want it; so I told him I’d like to keep it.

Our baker has a sense of humour; he bakes wry bread.

I’ve bought one of those memory foam cushions, but I can’t remember where I put it.

The bicycle shop owner broke his ankle and was unable to peddle his wares.

At the grocery store a dangerous new strain of bacteria has been found in packs of soft butter; and it spreads easily.

I know I’ve bought lots of Velcro cable grips, but I can’t find any now. I must be losing my grip.

A pub started brewing in-house because they loved draught beer, but in the end, they bottled it.

I saw a huge new funeral parlour opening today; it was quite an undertaking.

Our butcher sells sausages online; but the link’s broken.

Our butcher backed into his meat slicer; now he’s got a little behind in his work.

Our butcher had to sell all his rabbits and pheasants, because he didn’t want to give the game away.

I bought eight legs of venison from our butcher for £40; is that two deer?

I asked our butcher if he had a capon, but he said; “No, who do you think I am, Batman?”

I bought some Toulouse sausages today, now I can’t find them; they must have been too easy Toulouse.

I only asked for a leg of lamb from the butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.

Horse meat was once sold in a lot of British butcher shops, but they were flogging a dead horse.

In the café today I tried to grab something to drink my milkshake with, but I was just clutching at straws.

A car showroom used to smuggle cars into the country, until they were convicted of trafficking.

I bought my wife a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle; I don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.

I’ve ordered some German food over the internet; the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

I recently bought some very expensive perfume as a gift; I’ve no common scents.

Stationery traffic has been blamed on the huge number of vehicles delivering envelopes & writing paper.

“Do you sell hot water bottles?” ~ “I’m afraid not; have you tried Boots?” ~ “Yes, but the water comes out of the lace holes”

I managed to buy twelve rare collectable postcards for only 10 US cents, but then found out they were a dime a dozen.

I decided against a takeaway, because the shop owner had a chip on his shoulder.

I drove to the supermarket with a tiny carrot; I was in such a hurry I had to take the shortest root.

Milliners are very irritable; they can get angry at the drop of a hat.


 

 

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How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A small collection of ‘light bulb’ jokes; prompted by the glowing and vibrant Bright Ideas Nottingham.

 

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? There’s no such thing as aliens… anyway they’re too short and only use glowballs.

How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the entire collective will be thinking about it.

How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s not rocket science.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’ll need at least three light bulbs.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one; they don’t like to share the spotlight.

How many librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but I can look it up for you.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? It depends on what you want them to change it into.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.

How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the new bulb probably won’t work either.

How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb might start working again.

How many historians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know; that’s not my period.

How many public relations staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re supposed to keep you in the dark.

How many voyeurs does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’d much rather watch someone else do it.

How many haters does it take to change a light bulb? None; they fear change, even if it can make the world a brighter place.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many IT tech staff does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and on again?

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? Cats don’t change light bulbs; they have servants for that.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb will change itself when it’s ready.

How many council staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; the work’s been outsourced.

How many censors does it take to change a light bulb? ███; one to ████, another to ███ while █ ███ ██ with ███.

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Four; one to change the bulb and three to brag about how big it is.

How many Thought Police does it take to change a light bulb? None; there ‘never was’ a light bulb…

How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? None; you’ll never get their attention.

How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s a hardware problem.

How many tech-support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring…

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and another to change it back again.

How many government ministers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they sack someone else for letting it go out.

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to carry out a risk assessment.

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb? Three; one to change it and two to argue about its age.

How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb? Sorry, we closed a few seconds ago.

How many proof readers does it take to light a change blub? Sorry, I didn’t sea that won.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Two; the new one and the old one.

How many advertising executives does it take to change a light bulb? None; dark is a brand new feature of the bulb.

How many chickens does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to cross the road.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? No chance, but the cat wants to know when the light will be repaired, when its food will be served up, and when a proper massage will begin?

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb? One; plus or minus three (small sample size).

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? None ‘o yo’ damn business!!

How many Mensa members does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb isn’t bright enough.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the bulb and one not to change it.

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? None; Klingons aren’t afraid of the dark.

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000.

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? Irrelevant; you will be assimilated and change it for us.

How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the light bulb and one to hold the penis, mother, I mean LADDER!

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don’t ask me how they got in there!

How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? “I can’t tell whether you mean ‘change’ a light bulb or ‘have sex’ in a light bulb. Can we reword it to remove the ambiguity?”

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to rotate it and one to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? One, no two, no four, no eight, no…

How many Catholic Priests / C of E Vicars / Orthodox Rabbis (delete as applicable) does it take to change light bulb? “Change? Change??!”

How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two; one to change it and one to protest that it should be ‘light bulb’.

How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re not interested in that short wave stuff.

How many Bob Dylan fans does it take to change a light bulb? The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.

 

 

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