The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 87,000 times in 2013. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 4 days for that many people to see it.
Yet more of my previously unpublished Twitter posts and daft comments:
I used to live next to a very quiet tennis equipment manufacturer, I was lucky; normally they made a racket.
Finding out how to preserve pork with salt has really saved my bacon.
It’s not middle age spread; it’s just that my genes don’t fit properly.
I used to enjoy working in a mattress factory, except at spring time.
My shoe came off and I dropped a fondant fancy; now I’m footloose and fancy free.
Take life one day at a time, but always take chocolates two at a time.
I had a flat in the hilly part of Nottingham, before that I had a flat in the flat part, now I’m in the hilly part, but I don’t have a flat.
Has anyone found out what Larry is so happy about?
I don’t adhere to the belief that super glue is a bonding experience; there’s no resin for it, so it’s a complete paste of time.
According to the UK weather map this morning; people on the west coast of Wales will need a Cardigan.
Never mind the horse meat saga; rumour has it that moussaka contains no mouse and ratatouille is rodent free.
I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth; but my parents never received an apology from the hospital.
A friend kindly passed me their salt cellar without turning around; but it may have been a backhanded condiment.
I’m itching to visit a Flea Market.
Lunchtime, and I’ve just found out that my horseradish sauce has beef in it.
I’m so angry someone put soap in my drink I’m foaming at the mouth.
Fit as a fiddle, viable as a violin, chilled as a cello and deep as a double bass, but there are strings attached.
I might have eaten something that’s past its best; I just have this gut feeling.
I’m a DAB hand at tuning my radio in.
Prince Charles is constantly referred to as heir apparent, but surely his hairline is no one else’s business?
I remember important dates, such as 1066, but the rest are history.
A friend who empties cesspits with a truck was involved in a road accident, he wasn’t injured, but he had a terrible freight.
I invested in a paper aeroplane company, but it folded.
I also foolishly invested in a failing graffiti business; I hadn’t seen the writing on the wall.
A mystic set up a divinatory card reading business for cattle and it failed miserably; it was a Tarot bull way to go.
TV news showed radioactive bullocks resting in the sun near the Fukushima nuclear plant; is this an example of glow bull warming?
I tried to set up a unique Déjà Vu Travel Company, but the focus group said they had seen it all before.
I have such a large vinyl record collection that I’ve barely scratched the surface.
140 characters are perfect; if Twitter had 144 that would be gross.
When a race takes place in Finland, what is the Finish line called?
The Grim Reaper’s hairstylist has just had a brush with death.
I tried cooking something from the ‘Titanic Cookbook’; it was a recipe for disaster, but it did go down well.
Soaking for too long in the bath really creases me up.
My physiotherapist says I’m getting taller, but I think he’s just pulling my leg.
Why do we spend the first few years teaching children to walk and talk, and the next decade telling them to sit down and shut up?
Sheep rustling? What would make sheep rustle; tin foil, taffeta, newspaper, gift wrap?
Just bought a large block of cheddar; some grate times ahead.
Atoms are made up of small subatomic particles called protons, neutrons, electrons and morons #MyAtomsHaveExtraMorons
I’ve been on the edge of my seat all evening. I should move the cat really, but he looks so comfortable.
I have a tortuous joke about marathons, but it won’t fit on Twitter; it’s a long running gag.
A cattle farmer has had to withdraw from a marathon due to a calf injury.
I’m thinking of setting up a business selling sesame seeds; it might open a few doors.
I’ve been trying on very expensive pullovers, but at these prices I think I’m having the wool pulled over my eyes.
Following floods, headlines often announce problems with ‘raw sewage’, but what if it was properly cooked?
If Cinderella’s shoe was a perfect fit, why did it fall off in the first place?
Apparently you can use matchsticks to help you stay awake; that’s a real eye-opener.
You know that slightly desperate feeling you get when you have to look at the second page of Google answers…
Please Note ► People making Schrödinger’s cat jokes today will be regarded as ‘Wanted, Dead or Alive’ by the Joke Regulator.
If you had a blind date with an optician, would you make a spectacle of yourself?
I think I’ve lost an electron; you’ve really got to keep an ion them.
How do headphones tie themselves in knots when you’re not looking?
When I kicked the bucket my toe hurt so much I could have died.
I’m so Hungary Iran to the fridge to Czech for Turkey, but Norway I could eat it with all that Greece. Now I’m Russian out for a Danish.
A scheme has been launched to find out what makes a good timepiece, so far the search has gone like clockwork.
13 out of 12 people don’t know what a baker’s dozen is.
A message keeps displaying on our TV; ‘No Signal’, but we use Colgate anyway.
I have class written all over me; fortunately it wasn’t a permanent ink marker.
Sales of adult diapers have decreased on islands and increased in continents.
Phone reception was terrible in Yorkshire; although one day next to a field of sheep I did get up to three baas.
I watched Walt Disney being interviewed once; he was very animated.
I love dictionaries; they add meaning to everything.
How do cutlery manufacturers manage when they can only get forklift trucks?
WARNING: If someone sends you a link to the new Justin Bieber single, DON’T CLICK ON IT! It’s a link to the new Justin Bieber single.
Couch potato? Sounds delicious; does anyone have a recipe? I’d look for one, but I’m reclining in front of the TV.
It’s late and I just put the cat out. I’ve still no idea how he caught fire.
L M N ► Tree ► May ► Deer ► What’s On
‘Sink your iPhone’ is an expensive typo.
I entered a jazz hands competition and won hands down.
I played cricket last week and lost. I’d no idea they could jump that high.
I stopped at a fork in the road, but quickly moved on; what I really needed was a spoon.
Whenever I attend a word play seminar I have a punini for lunch.
If my salary was paid in sodium chloride, I’d salt it away in the cellar.
I tried following my dreams, but I fell off the bed.
I intended to start the day with a clean slate, but when it came down to it I opted for traditional crockery.
I’ve upgraded my old analogue digits to digital digits. My wedding ring doesn’t fit as well though.
I was in a field of spring flowers today singing “Daisy, Daisy / Give me your answer, do.” No reply.
I can’t find my mouse pointer. Mind you, I’ve only conducted a cursory search.
For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:
Enthusiastically | Frequently | Occasionally | Specifically | Previously
But not in any particular order… ah, well, actually they’re in alphabetical order ►
|Berlin||Bettys Café Tea Rooms|
|Blueberry pancakes, bacon and maple syrup||Books|
|Death Valley||Delicious bookmarking|
|Draft Guinness||Dr Who|
|Grand Canyon||Graphic design|
|Groucho Marx||Hancock’s Half Hour|
|Hotel Chocolat||Hot weather|
|Humour||Iain M Banks|
|Ian Dury and the Blockheads||I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue|
|John Lewis Partnership||Just a Minute|
|Milton Jones||Monty Python|
|Morecambe and Wise||MSWord|
|Neil deGrasse Tyson||Newcastle|
|Pink Floyd||Pinot Grigio|
|Public libraries||Public transport|
|Reading||Robin Hood Tax|
|Rock pools||Rolling countryside|
|Rolling Stones||San Francisco|
|Shopping||Sid Meier’s Civilization|
|Sir Patrick Moore||Snowdonia|
|Social networking||Speculative fiction|
|Star Trek||Steam engines|
|Yosemite National Park||Zurich|
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 42,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 10 Film Festivals
A handful of my inane responses to people and posts on Twitter or Facebook, completely pointless as usual, but it keeps me entertained:
Think pink; don’t stink, kink or shrink from the brink; wear mink to a rink, blink and drink to the link in ink and sink into pink.
You should orange to clean fruit meticulously; apples must be at the core of all fruit washing, which should be done in pears.
I’m so Hungary Iran to the fridge to Czech for Turkey, but Norway I could eat it with all that Greece. Now I’m Russian to Finnish my Danish.
Cheesed off & Stiltons to do before the holidays? Edam, that’s not grate & curd cost whey too much if you’ve Gouda lot to buy; Feta accompli.
Want info on eggs? Don’t shell out, chick out the hencyclopedia; there’s a free range of fowl stuff laid out in cracking style.
Cheerfully checking my Czech cheque checker’s checking all Czech cheques and chucking any checkered cheques. Check.
ICON see CTRL freaks ENTER the HOME SPACE, DOS around & DEL don’t SHIFT, or ALT they’ve the DRIVE to keep TABS & BYTE back in the END.
Don’t let them takeaway a quantity of your maths class and alter the ratio, it doesn’t add up in my estimation; square up to and evaluate the root of the constant decimation before they intersect, divide you into fractions and multiply your problems… Ah, I’m angling off at a variable tangent, anyway I’ve calculated coefficiently that it’s not my function (minus the odd number) to factor in or achieve an absolute value by subtracting or deducting any amount of pointless arithmetical puns.
For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:
The spell checker approved the title, but it should be ‘Dictionary of Revised Definitions’.
Continuing the long and slightly dubious history of new and revised word redefinitions and daffynitions, in a short but similar vein to works such as ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’ by Ambrose Bierce, the ‘Uxbridge English Dictionary’ #UED from the BBC radio panel game ‘I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue’ #ISIHAC and ‘Wickedictionary’ by Derek Abbott.
I have written most of the definitions listed here, apart from a handful stolen from Twitter acquaintances, although, as many of the definitions are obvious as well as being ridiculous, they may well have been used elsewhere and often.
Click on a group of letters to go to that section:
A few of my favourites:
Artichoke (n): creative strangulation
Babylon (n): tough synthetic infant
Cantaloupe (n): incapable of eloping
Diphthong (n): very small swimwear
Esplanade (n): Spanish lemonade
Felon (v): to trip over a thief
Ganache (n): action of teeth on chocolate
Gigolo (n): a fee-male
Hindsight (n): effect of hotpants
Impeccable (n): to protect from woodpeckers
Jamaica (n): person who makes fruit preserves
Kindred (n): fear of relatives
Legendary (n): famous milkman
Mascara (n): Brazilian traffic jam
Negligent (n): negligee for men
Noncustodial (n): a pudding without custard
Onomatopoeia (n): sound made by a tomato
Orifice (n): a hole created in an office
Palindrome (n): dromedary with humps that look the same way in either direction
Pirate (n): pie classification system
Procrastinate (n): to delay the playing of castanets
Quintessence (n): the aroma of five babies
Raucous (n): unprepared couscous
Scherzo (n): swift-moving Italian sausage
Stalemate (n): musty friend
Sycophant (n): poorly elephant
Tachycardia (n): distasteful cardigan
Toboggan (n): winter transportation for tobacco
Unison (n): child of unisex
Voluminous (n): fluorescent vole
Wiggle (v): movement of a wig
Xerox (n): duplicate ox
Yacht (v): unexpected sneeze
Zucchini (n): Italian zookeeper trousers
Copyright © 2011 – 2022 Roy Manterfield
This dictionary is for entertainment only. Whereas the entertainment value is subjective, the content is not accurate and is not intended to be used in place of an actual dictionary.
For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:
Even more of my previously unpublished Twitter posts and daft comments:
I’m not getting on very well with this keyboard; it’s just not my type.
I only asked for a leg of lamb from our butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.
While I was waiting at the airport recently I heard a Scottish dating advert; “Free Wife, Aye”
I’m feeling rubbish today; this always happens when I put the trash out.
An Australian friend asked me if I thought his bad eye would see better with glasses, so I said ‘Good eye might’.
I should’ve picked the cactus up with my left hand, now I feel a right prick.
I used to rest on my laurels, but then I had them cut down and a fence put up.
Does the phrase; ‘two daft male cattle’ contain more than one silly bull?
I’d always wanted to win a pastry throwing competition, but it was just pie in the sky.
I have more silent drum kits than you can shake a stick at… ah, just realised where I’m going wrong.
I have a yen to visit Tokyo.
LMAO… damn, now where am I going to sit?
The jockey who is always first past the post must be the reining champion.
Blood is thicker than water, although that’s irrelevant even when mixing fruit cordials for relatives.
The writing is on the wall for graffiti.
I’ve been involved in a dispute about sharpening tree felling tools, but then I did have an axe to grind.
Horse meat was once sold in a lot of British butcher shops, but they were flogging a dead horse.
I’ve been burning the candle at both ends and now I’m at my wicks end.
I’m so angry after being hit in the face by a fake Chinese vase; I’m faux Ming at the mouth.
I had a dream about two countries ruled by pets; it was reigning cats and dogs.
William Tell’s son was the apple of his eye.
I started to look out the window to see what the weather was up to, but decided to give it a rain check.
Pheasants, turkeys, geese, partridges, chickens and ducks; a decidedly poultry list composed entirely of fowl language.
I’m absolutely and utterly infatuated and totally LOVE hyperbole!
If you’re responsible for ripping a dollar in half then don’t pass the buck.
If Egyptians renounced the use of ketchup, would that be the sauce of denial?
I managed to buy twelve rare collectable postcards for only 10 US cents, but then found out they were a dime a dozen.
I can’t decide if I like this variable temperature hair dryer; I’m blowing hot and cold.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless the two in the bush are sought after by collectors.
A friend of ours works as a hairdresser for the police, but it wasn’t his first brush with the law.
Went to get food at a takeaway, but changed my mind because the owner had a chip on his shoulder.
Milliners are very irritable; they can get angry at the drop of a hat.
My work is piling up because of this tree trunk on my shoulders, although it’s only a small back log.
I never thought I’d determine what this gateau is; but it turned out to be a piece of cake.
I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. I’m trapped in a tiny gap next to the wall.
If a priest kept making the sign of the cross at a fancy dress party, would it be a blessing in disguise?
Avoid tabloid journalists; hack shuns speak louder than words.
I tried backing up my PC, but I had to stop when I got to the wall.
Is there any truth in the old saying “Absinthe makes the fart grow longer”?
Amputations cost an arm and a leg these days.
The vet suggested I try the carrot and stick approach with our cat, but sellotape won’t stick to the carrot, or the cat…
Using chopsticks on rice goes against the grain.
If doctor’s self medicate, do they get a taste of their own medicine?
Don’t worry about ferry crossings; we’re all in the same boat.
Take some proper topiary lessons and stop beating about the bush.
A fool and his money are easily parted; that’s why so many clowns fall for email scams.
Eco friendly computers can be constructed from the outer layers of tree trunks, but they turn out to be all bark and no byte.
Chocolate’s a good thing isn’t it? So how come you can have too much of a good thing?
Is YO! Sushi the derivation of the phrase ‘what goes around, comes around’?
‘The ability of one compound to dissolve in another compound’ ~ Surely there has to be a solution here?
Don’t repair timepieces; you’ll always be working against the clock.
The sponge is good, but the frosting is the icing on the cake.
If wind is gusting, when it ceases, is it disgusting?
Presumably McDonald’s car park ‘Reverse with care’ notice is a back-up sign?
British Waterways are encouraging canal users to change their locks regularly.
I bumped into our local Domino’s Pizza recently; if it had fallen down, would it have taken all the other Domino’s with it?
I’ve been online for hours today; so now all the washing is hanging up to dry I can get back to the internet.
My blog has a new ‘subscriber’; he’s a calligrapher and he paints signs on submarines.
I owned an abacus when I was an art student; I was part of the counter-culture.
I used to mix up ‘follicular’ and ‘funicular’, which led to some very hairy train rides.
In a recent poll 1 in 10 single men would rather have an iPad than a new partner; gives a whole new meaning to “Coming back to my pad?”
Queen Elizabeth was in Wales on the ‘second leg’ of her Diamond Jubilee tour; presumably the ‘third leg’ was the Isle of Man?
I think river valleys are gorgeous.
I’ve always been interested in the history of millinery, but it’s a bit old hat now.
I had to sell all the rabbits and pheasants, because I didn’t want to give the game away.
I’d like the sun to return, but fog will never be mist.
I drove to the supermarket with a tiny carrot; I was in such a hurry I had to take the shortest root.
I’m supercilious today; that’s like normal cilious, but I’m also wearing a cape.
Apparently the Dalai Lama is not actually a Llama.
I did a roll call in the kitchen this morning, but as none replied I had sliced wholemeal.
I’ve been checking out those ‘100 Things To Do Before You Die’ lists and not one of them has “Shout for help”.
People say love is blind, but I can’t see it myself.
The trouble with masturbation jokes is that they can rub people up the wrong way.
Oceanographers don’t like to be tide up.
Edward Scissorhands wore contact lenses; he should have gone to Specsavers.
Doughnuts are very good for you; as long as you eat the hole thing.
Reading the dictionary is tiring; by the time you reach the end it’s zzzzzzz…
Is ketchup like spring water; bottled at sauce?
Whenever I update my iPhone I get that terrible syncing feeling.
If my punning is worse as I get older; does that mean I’ve groan-up?
I was explaining something to someone when they said “I’ll take your word for it” so I’ve had them charged with plagiarism.
I’ve been obsessing over a broken handle today; I need to get a grip.
If I had an irrational fear of bridges, how would I get over it?
I saw someone tearing off a newspaper coupon today; I wish they’d cut it out.
For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:
Some more of my previously unpublished Twitter comments and daft stuff:
One of the doctors at our local surgery is getting very angry, he keeps losing his patients.
I’ve been trying to persuade people to become enthusiastic organ donors, but they won’t put their heart into it.
I recently bought some very expensive perfume as a gift; I’ve no common scents.
In our living room the curtains are drawn, but the rest of the furniture is real.
You can now buy lactose free milk if you’re intolerant; if my feet lacked toes I’d be intolerant.
Once when I was camping there was a terrible fire; the heat was in tents.
I just had a great idea for a pencil with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
When you empty cesspits, are you taking the piss?
A bottle of coke just fell out of the fridge onto my foot, it’s a good job it was a soft drink.
My friend’s wedding was very emotional, even the cake was in tiers.
Someone in the geometry lesson had their rubber bands confiscated; they were classed as weapons of math disruption.
I bought some Toulouse sausages today, now I can’t find them; they must have been too easy Toulouse.
My local garden centre won’t swap my old Christmas tree for a bush, but I suppose a fir exchange is no shrubbery.
Our best friend bakes bread, so we’ve signed over the deeds to our house; a friend in knead is a friend in deed.
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing; I just tripped over a very small encyclopaedia.
I used far too much water to extinguish two fires, but a man’s got too dowse what a man’s got two dowse.
I fancy hurling a jug onto the beach; surely a pitcher is worth a throw sand-wards.
After much personal abuse, I got hold of an adorable painting of someone’s jaw; if you can’t stand the hate get art of the cute chin.
A yarn about a creepy shop that kept a tally of floors of buildings it sold would be a scary storey score store story. (Was that worth the effort; it wasn’t was it?)
I almost borrowed a book from the library called HOW to HUG; until I noticed it was volume twelve of an encyclopaedia…
I don’t think whoever coined the phrase ‘quiet as a mouse’ has ever stepped on one.
I usually manage to do a few exercises very early in the morning; before my brain works out that I’m not fetching chocolate.
I just suggested to our cat that he does something useful, but all he’d say was ‘Me, how?’
I used to have lots of Velcro cable grips, but I can’t find any now. I must be losing my grip.
If I climb up inside a church tower, would I be inspired?
I couldn’t drive out of a parking space today, but I had a back up plan.
Freudian slip: clothing worn under a see-through blouse.
Nuclear physics is much better than the old, cloudy physics.
Stealing a talking bird is a mynah offence.
My neighbour removed two panels and a post from our boundary; he must have taken a fence after something I said.
Parisian taxis are liable to drive you in Seine.
Where can I get a hollow victory? I have a substantial one, but it’s too heavy.
I ate a really good Thali recently, but there wasn’t any otter in the Tarka Dal.
Egyptian boatmen are in denial.
There’s a bottle in the fridge that says it’s ‘still water’; I’ll check again tomorrow to see if anything changes.
I don’t see the point of pocket calculators; who has that many pockets?
I’ve been struggling to find a new role; then I remembered two wholemeal ones in the freezer.
A friend thought I wouldn’t want a mention in their poem, but I’m not a verse to it.
If a pig gets laryngitis, would it be disgruntled?
Perfume is scent everywhere by post.
If all is not lost, where is it?
1848 ~ Horse drawn buses appeared in Nottingham, although they were inept, as the horses couldn’t hold the pencil properly.
I have one of those memory foam cushions, but I can’t remember where I put it.
After problems with my browser I had to disable some cookies; now my keyboard is clogged with crumbs.
I’m getting irritated with email & spam; simultaneously reading mail & opening a can of meat is multi-tasking.
I tried to use a chat-room while I was at the library, but they kept shushing me.
Does anyone else have problems with instant messaging? My post-its won’t stick to the monitor.
Will someone tell me how to use a spam filter? I’ve made a hell of a mess opening the last can.
I’ve been trying to save a progressive JPEG in a reactionary format, but my PC is too liberal.
This sentence has absolutely no odour; it’s complete non scents.
I saw a huge new funeral parlour opening today; it was quite an undertaking.
Where did Noah keep the woodworm, termites and woodpeckers?
Stationery traffic has been blamed on the huge number of vehicles delivering envelopes and writing paper.
The situation is posterous, although beforehand it was preposterous.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if you throw it hard enough.
The only thing you have to fear is fear itself… and bugs, and the dark, and strangers, and hairs in food, and pigeons, and door knobs…
People first arrived in North America by crossing from Russia to Alaska; they’d got lost and couldn’t get their Bering Strait.
The letters A, E and U are making me very tetchy today; apparently I’m suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.
A local police officer was bribed with just a few coins, but change is as good as arrest.
I enjoy ironing as much as oral surgery and appreciate that I very rarely have to iron, but I don’t appreciate the irony.
I dropped some very unripe stone fruit in the ocean once; just to plum the depths of tastelessness.
As a designer, am I facing in the right direction? Anyway, back to the drawing board.
In art class we had to sketch drinking straws; I drew the short straw.
Our pet chicken constantly runs up and down stairs, so we changed her name to Stephen.
The face painter at the local fête said they couldn’t paint teddies, but that’s just a bear faced lie.
Sometimes elevators get me down, but other times they’re quite uplifting.
What happens if you meet someone online, but you don’t click?
I’ve been trying very hard to sketch with correcting fluid, but I’m drawing a blank.
I’ve tried everything to end a disagreement; oak twigs, chestnut sticks, haven’t tried an olive branch yet.
I have a great bee and beef pie recipe, if anyone feels like eating hum bull pie?
If you helped a one-eyed person whose artificial glass one was in back to front, would you be turning a blind eye?
It’s really hard to persuade someone to wear two slices of bread for an art project; perhaps I should have buttered them up first?
Just had an argument about someone’s clavicle; it’s obviously going to be a bone of contention
Parents are choosing Spanish/Scandinavian names for their babies; there’s Juan Bjorn every minute.
I’ve been playing chess on the floor instead of the table; I really need to raise my game.
Do a couple of those look familiar to you? I thought so. Here am I thinking I’m being original and creative and I’m probably inadvertently copying them from somewhere else. Never mind; they’re probably the funniest ones.
For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:
I recently listed some favourite one-liners by the hilarious Tim Vine, so I thought perhaps it’s time to post some of my own stuff:
I’ll have to grit my teeth next time I go out in this cold weather, although my teeth don’t usually ice up.
I was thinking outside of the box today; but they found me this afternoon and put me back in.
I’ve almost finished sorting out my string collection; I just need to tie up a few loose ends.
Apparently a new local priest has set the font alight; that must have been a real baptism of fire.
I entered a competition with a paint catapult and won with flying colours.
I’m tired of washing bath sheets and face cloths, so I’ve thrown the towel in.
I have ‘scarlet’ paint and a selection of new books; now to sort the books into a ‘to be red’ pile.
I’ve never had an audience eating out of the palm of my hand, but it’s a different story with pigeons.
I once designed a container to carry picnic hampers; but it turned out to be a basket case.
I’ve been reading about the Tunguska Event, a huge explosion in Siberia in 1908; it was a real blast from the past.
I’m too lazy to take up flower pressing, so I took a leaf from someone else’s book.
I’ve soundproofed the house and bought ear plugs; I’ll do anything for a quiet life.
Does anyone else really hate walking on wet clay; or am I just an old stick in the mud?
A grandmother’s entire estate was willed to her hairdresser; that was a bad heir day.
A pirate and a shepherd were fighting; determined to win by hook or by crook.
Someone broke my umbrella; I take umbrage at that!
I currantly love raisins.
There’s an author named Amber Greene with a novel called ‘Traffic Signal Sequence’ Has anyone read Amber Greene?
If exits are on the way out, are bathroom scales on the weigh in?
Impotence just means no hard feelings.
I followed a trail of pencil graphite right to the end of our yard; I think I’ve been lead up the garden path.
Our cat Max really hates climbing; he’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.
I took up brewing because I like draught beer, but in the end, I bottled it.
Honey seems to be all the rage at the moment; I blame the powers that bee.
I visited the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals office; it’s so small there’s not enough room to swing a cat.
I’ve just realised that worrying does work; 90% of the things I worry about have never happened.
Hermit crabs don’t like having to shell out for a new home.
I saw someone play a violin on children’s TV today; I thought they weren’t allowed to depict violins in children’s programs?
Zoos in North America get rid of their lions at the end of each summer; determining that pride goes before a fall.
I’m very good at startling ducks and chickens, but I wouldn’t say boo to a goose.
I was just about to leave the office when I spilt hot chocolate all over my out tray; still, it’s all in a day’s work.
The council may build a library in the middle of the tracks at the local railway station; that’s reading between the lines.
I ate a delicious creamy gooseberry fool today; it gave me indigestion, but I do suffer fools gladly.
An old bylaw inflicts a financial penalty on anyone carrying salmon in a boiling pot; that’s a fine kettle of fish.
Ironically, I looked ridiculous sitting part way up a tree; I should have satire.
I’ve been told that I make terrible wine because I’m using my own vine fruit, but it’s probably just sour grapes.
The nuns that embroidered either end of the 230 feet long Bayeux tapestry never met; sew near and yet sew far.
This obsession with appearance is getting out of control; I’ve just found these letters wearing toupees: ã ĩ ñ.
In the juice bar today I tried to grab something to drink my orange through, but I was just clutching at straws.
The guys delivering a load of sand to me say it’s been delayed, ah well, the best late plans of my sand men.
I found a great site that sells sausages online; but the link’s broken.
Only older people seem to be queuing in the hordes at the theatre; but I suppose every crowd has a silver line in.
Future alien visitors may well appear in strange forms, but that’s just the shape of things to come.
Genetically modified flowers are fashionable; the Fuchsia’s bright, the Fuchsia’s orange.
A local brass band is recruiting musicians, but I’m reluctant to blow my own trumpet.
I’ve got chocolate all over my earphones; still, I always wanted to be a chocolatier.
Our milkman is legend dairy.
I’m going to a local shop for the first time; I’ve no idea what’s in store.
I really feel in shape today; it’s just a pity it’s the wrong shape
Took me ages to remove the food stains from the doctor’s invoice, but at last I have a clean bill of health.
I have pony spittle all down my arm and that’s straight from the horse’s mouth.
Took a hammer to a new neighbour’s freezer today; just trying to break the ice.
I’m putting off working some bread dough, but I knead to knuckle down.
Trouser zipper manufacturers are dropping like flies.
I’m sure this blueprint’s the wrong way round; back to the drawing board.
It’s time to put an end to punctuation disputes, full stop.
With middle age spread all good thins come to an end.
Is calling a puppy ‘Putrid’ giving a dog a bad name?
Is circumcision a fore gone conclusion?
My head is resting against a violin; I’ve no idea why, I’ll just have to play it by ear.
I’ve a needlework exam today; I’m pinning my hopes on it, but I’m sew nervous I needle little encouragement.
I had forty winks earlier; now my eye’s sore, two people slapped me and only one winked back.
I just Googled the price of amputations; they cost an arm and a leg.
Cutting a gateau into slices looks difficult; turns out it’s a piece of cake.
Bought my wife a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle; don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.
I’ve ordered some German food off the internet; the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.
For other stuff in this blog, click on these links: