How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A small collection of ‘light bulb’ jokes; prompted by the glowing and vibrant Bright Ideas Nottingham.

 

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? There’s no such thing as aliens… anyway they’re too short and only use glowballs.

How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the entire collective will be thinking about it.

How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s not rocket science.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’ll need at least three light bulbs.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one; they don’t like to share the spotlight.

How many librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but I can look it up for you.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? It depends on what you want them to change it into.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.

How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the new bulb probably won’t work either.

How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb might start working again.

How many historians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know; that’s not my period.

How many public relations staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re supposed to keep you in the dark.

How many voyeurs does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’d much rather watch someone else do it.

How many haters does it take to change a light bulb? None; they fear change, even if it can make the world a brighter place.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many IT tech staff does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and on again?

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? Cats don’t change light bulbs; they have servants for that.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb will change itself when it’s ready.

How many council staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; the work’s been outsourced.

How many censors does it take to change a light bulb? ███; one to ████, another to ███ while █ ███ ██ with ███.

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Four; one to change the bulb and three to brag about how big it is.

How many Thought Police does it take to change a light bulb? None; there ‘never was’ a light bulb…

How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? None; you’ll never get their attention.

How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s a hardware problem.

How many tech-support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring…

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and another to change it back again.

How many government ministers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they sack someone else for letting it go out.

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to carry out a risk assessment.

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb? Three; one to change it and two to argue about its age.

How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb? Sorry, we closed a few seconds ago.

How many proof readers does it take to light a change blub? Sorry, I didn’t sea that won.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Two; the new one and the old one.

How many advertising executives does it take to change a light bulb? None; dark is a brand new feature of the bulb.

How many chickens does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to cross the road.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? No chance, but the cat wants to know when the light will be repaired, when its food will be served up, and when a proper massage will begin?

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb? One; plus or minus three (small sample size).

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? None ‘o yo’ damn business!!

How many Mensa members does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb isn’t bright enough.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the bulb and one not to change it.

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? None; Klingons aren’t afraid of the dark.

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000.

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? Irrelevant; you will be assimilated and change it for us.

How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the light bulb and one to hold the penis, mother, I mean LADDER!

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don’t ask me how they got in there!

How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? “I can’t tell whether you mean ‘change’ a light bulb or ‘have sex’ in a light bulb. Can we reword it to remove the ambiguity?”

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to rotate it and one to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? One, no two, no four, no eight, no…

How many Catholic Priests / C of E Vicars / Orthodox Rabbis (delete as applicable) does it take to change light bulb? “Change? Change??!”

How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two; one to change it and one to protest that it should be ‘light bulb’.

How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re not interested in that short wave stuff.

How many Bob Dylan fans does it take to change a light bulb? The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.

 

 

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Mae Oreo-West Quotations

For @xjazzy13 ► official #Oreogirl member and Minister of Chocolate.

Mae Oreo-West“When choosing between two #Oreos, I always pick the one I never tried before.”

“Is that an #Oreo in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

“Save an #Oreo for a rainy day, and another, in case it doesn’t rain.”

“When I’m good, I’m very good. But when I’ve an #Oreo I’m better.”

“Why don’t you come on up and #Oreo me sometime.”

“I’ll try any #Oreo once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.”

“Don’t keep a man guessing too long; he’s sure to find an #Oreo somewhere else.”

“So many #Oreos… so little time.”

“I never loved another person the way I loved #Oreos.”

“I generally avoid an #Oreo unless I can’t resist it.”

“Too much of an #Oreo can be wonderful.”

“A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald, but if he has #Oreos, women will like him.”

“An #Oreo in the house is worth two in the street.”

“An #Oreo worth doing is worth doing slowly.”

“#Oreos conquer all things except poverty and toothache.”

“I only have ‘yes’ #Oreos around me. Who needs ‘no’ #Oreos?”

“I speak two languages, #Oreo and English.”

“It’s not the men in my life that count; it’s the life in my #Oreos.”

“I didn’t discover #Oreos; I only uncovered them.”

“Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of #Oreos.”

“I’m a woman of very few words, but lots of #Oreos.”

“I only like two kinds of #Oreos, domestic and imported.”

“Love isn’t an emotion or an instinct; it’s an #Oreo.”

“If I asked for an #Oreo, someone would search for the double meaning.”

“It ain’t no sin if you crack a few #Oreos now and then, just so long as you don’t break any.”

“Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman an #Oreo.”

“#Oreos are the most important thing to an actress’s success.”

“Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with an #Oreo.”

“If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too many #Oreos are just about right!”

“The #Oreo is more powerful than the sword.”

“One more #Oreo and I’ll be under the host.”

“The best way to hold an #Oreo is in your arms.”

“Too many girls follow the line of least resistance, but a good #Oreo is hard to resist.”

“I see you’re a man with #Oreos. I better be going while you’ve still got them.”

“Any time you got nothing to do, and lots of #Oreos, come on up.”

“#Oreos are easy to get but hard to keep.”

“#Oreos are an asset to the woman in love who’s smart enough to hide ‘em.”

“An ounce of #Oreo is worth pounds of promises.”

“If you put your #Oreo in it, be sure it’s your best #Oreo.”

“Love thy neighbour; and if he happens to be tall, debonair and has #Oreos, it will be that much easier.”


 

 

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Trick or Tweet Stories


A small selection of Twitter sized stories gleaned from the internet for Halloween…


Trick or TweetSitting down, he began to tell his girlfriend about his day; she listened patiently, her lifeless, glassy eyes staring.

I woke in the middle of the night and felt my dog jump onto the bed; felt her breath and her… scaly skin…

She woke up to find the empty apartment littered with Polaroids of her, asleep…

He had always loved his mother dearly and, after her death, he found comfort in her familiar but cold embrace…

The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door…

Terrified, I snapped the bolt across and ducked under the covers. Then a voice said; “Now we’re both locked in for the night…”

He looked down at his shadow. He could feel the cold biting at his ears. He looked at his shadow again; it wasn’t the cold…

She shuffles through the leaves, holding the small hand by her side. But the hand is cooling now and it still drips…

He tripped and fell, the contents of his pack emptied out; his late wife lay in bloody pieces, strewn across the floor.

In the dark ~ Naomi mistook ~ a shard of glass ~ for her contact lens

She woke from a disturbed sleep and stared, shivering, at the writing on her wall; “You are so beautiful when you sleep.”

As he raised his hand to hit her she put a bullet through his head. Then she sat by his body for a while, until it stirred…

I smile when I arrive home and hear my wife singing to our baby upstairs. Then she texts me: “I’ll be home late; traffic.”

“Do you love me?” Said the figure with outstretched arms, shuffling out of the dark hallway, wearing the skin of his wife.

The gentle night breeze briefly blew the curtains open, revealing a pale face peering in through the open window…

As he climbed the stairs, he glanced at the reflection in the window… and caught a glimpse of something just behind him.

He woke to the baby’s cry & the memory of his wife. The wail stopped & he smiled… until he saw who was nursing the baby.

As he fell into the water of the old quarry he saw, just under the surface, hundreds of eyes, black and wide with hunger…

Father was a butcher and very good at it. She learned early on not to get attached, but she did love to hear them beg…

A tweet from an old friend. He smiled and replied. He Googled him. A chill ran up his spine. His friend died last week.

I feel a solid wall above me, below me and all around me, now the sense of panic rises uncontrollably…

She slowly entered the kitchen, breath condensing and heart pounding; she heard a scratching… it was the cat trying to get in.


These Trick or Tweet Halloween stories were gleaned from the internet and reduced to Twitter size as prompted by Bright Ideas Nottingham@brightideasnott :^)


 

 

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Even shorter jokes

Time flies like an arrowBroken pencils are pointless.

I read magazines periodically.

Clones are people two.

Geese grow up and grow down at the same time.

The writing is on the wall for graffiti.

River valleys are gorgeous.

I’m itching to visit a Flea Market.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Drilling holes for water is well boring.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

After M and T my diary says WTF.

Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8th

Queen bees often come out in hives.

I’ve sold my homing pigeon eight times on eBay.

Sparkling water is still water.

Spoonerists are teople poo.

There are many misconceptions about pregnancy.

Whales are weighed at a whale weigh station.

William Tell’s son was the apple of his eye.

People say love is blind, but I can’t see it myself.

Being castrated is a eunuch experience.

Amputations cost an arm and a leg.

Bee stings are in the hand of the bee holder.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Do hotel managers get board with their jobs?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Root canal work is deeply unnerving.

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

Why was the broom late? It overswept.

Which cheese is made backwards? Edam.

How do you get Holy Water? Boil the hell out of it.

Milliners get angry at the drop of a hat.

Noah kept bees in the ark hives.

My bucket isn’t very well; it’s a little pail.

Polite children take after their parents.

Pouring from teapots is a strain.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

Fatigues are tired uniforms.

I have a yen to visit Tokyo.

Consciousness; that annoying time between naps.

Subservient fish know their plaice.

What’s green and runs around the garden? A hedge.

Genetic scientists wear eau de clone.

When chemists die, they barium.

Electrons have mass, therefore they are Catholic.

What’s red and invisible? No tomatoes.

I’ve found a hole in my sock; darn it!

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

My ventriloquist’s dummy is already spoken for.

Aesop was famous for his foibles.

Walking on hot coals is no mean feet.

Apparently the Dalai Lama is not actually a Llama.

If you sit on a pumpkin, does it become a squash?

If a clock’s hungry it goes back four seconds.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Hermaphroditism is an end in itself.

Business is looking up for astronomers.

French philosophers vie for the meaning of life.

The French version of ‘Cats’ is a chat show.

I’m so thirsty I could drink Canada Dry.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

I’m a big fan of wind turbines.

What’s another word for thesaurus?

Idioms are for the birds.

What’s the speed of dark?

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

I avoid clichés like the plague.

What’s another word for synonym?

I don’t remember being absent minded.

Homonyms are a reel waist of thyme.

Hyperbole is the BEST THING EVER!

An unemployed jester is nobody’s fool.

What do quantum whales eat? Planckton.

The Mexican train killer had locomotives.

A knighthood would be quite a sir prize.

Whenever I see a broken lift I tend to stair.

Hunting wild pigs is boaring.

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

Lif is too short.

Turning vegan was a big missed steak.

Cuddling a cat gives you a good feline.

A good artist knows where to draw the line.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

Sign language is handy.

Tea is for mugs.

PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

I am sick and tried of auto correct jokes.

Cannibals like to meat people.

I can’t stand sitting.

I tried to catch some fog, but mist.

Life as a yo-yo has its ups and downs.

I just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.

I don’t make predictions, and I never will.

How do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

A good pun is its own reword.


 

 

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Yet another selection of jokes and word play

I want to learn how to make ice-cream, so I’m going to sundae school.

On the stock exchange today, helium was up, feathers were down and paper was stationary.

Why did the biscuit cry? Because his mother was a wafer too long.

When police officers get cold they go undercover.

Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

Trainee pilots are nervous because their future is always up in the air.

I’d quite like to be a millionaire just like my dad; he always wanted to be a millionaire too.

I saw someone on the beach shouting “Help, shark! Help!” You have to laugh; that shark’s never going to help him.

Sunglasses are a bit like Facebook; you can stare at people without getting caught.

One tiny mistake can ruin everything you’ve worked so hard for; Tetris can be so damned annoying.

There’s a time and place for wasting your life away and this is it.

Don’t you just hate it when people use words that Google can’t find?

James Bond once slept right through an earthquake; he was shaken, not stirred.

I couldn’t afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive and steel wool.

Bakers with a sense of humour bake wry bread.

The best way to make an apple crumble is to torture it for 10 minutes.

A car showroom used to smuggle cars into the country, until they were convicted of trafficking.

A dangerous new strain of bacteria has been found in packs of soft butter; and it spreads easily.

Three of my fingers are willing, but my thumb and forefinger are opposed.

Police are searching for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lighted match; they want to catch him before he strikes again.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses three thousand times the memory.

Experience is great: it allows you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

Mathematical puns are the first sine of madness.

By the time you can make ends meet, somebody has moved the ends.

If everything seems to be going well, you have probably overlooked something.

Madness takes its toll; please have the exact change ready.

One good thing about egotists; they don’t talk about other people.

I always wanted to be a pharmacist, because I grew up on a pharm.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a baby horse and made a complete foal of myself.

Although he was afraid of mice, it didn’t keep him from eeking out a living at a pet store.

How do you make a whale float? A glass of soda, a scoop of ice cream and a whale.

An old gag: When the author of the hokey cokey died it was a nightmare getting him in the coffin; everytime they put his left leg in…

A French restaurant had five dishwashers; they were known as the kitchen cinq.

A jellyfish walked into a hardware shop and bought ten drills.

When ceiling fans were invented, they were considered revolutionary.

If anyone knows the shortest word in the English language containing the letters A, B, C, D, E and F, I’d welcome FEEDBACK.

Our cat did really well in the milk-drinking competition; he licked the competition and won by six laps.

I couldn’t make my mind up whether to set our scales to pounds or kilos, and then I decided either weigh would do.

The Bicycle Wheel Manufacturers Association has appointed a new spokes-person.

I used to go to an origami class, until it folded.

It’s always best to use teabags, as all proper tea is theft.

The knight walked into the blacksmith’s shop and the blacksmith said; “come in, you’ve got mail.”

A man walked into a bar and asked for a pitcher full of beer, so the bartender gave him a drunken baseball player.

Looking up at the stars tonight, I began to ask some profound questions like… “Where the hell is the shed roof?”

How do you get to Wales in a Mini; one in the back and one in the front.

How do you get two whales in a Mini; down the M4 and over the Severn Bridge.

Support bacteria! It’s the only culture some people have.

Women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.

Gas powered aircraft were never successful; in strong winds the pilot used to go out.

Squirrels swim on their back to keep their nuts dry.

Drat, I forgot to go to the gym again today; that’s 42 years in a row now.

Coming soon, timepieces for astronauts; watch this space!

No one could play cards on the ark, because Noah sat on the deck.

I was going to tweet a really good joke about apathy, but I can’t be bothered.

My favourite outdoor activity is coming back inside.

Interesting; apparently you can go to the gym without mentioning in on Twitter or Facebook.

I’ve made my lawn chicken-proof; it’s impeccable.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.

Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

Someone just told me I’m delusional! I nearly fell off my unicorn.

Is anyone else worried about that 0.01% of germs that can’t be killed?

Can you imagine the self control you’d need if you worked in a bubble wrap factory?

I never make the same mistake twice; four or five times usually covers it.

When one door closes another one opens; that’s yet another reason the car needs servicing.

How is it that in maths problems you can buy 75 cantaloupes and no one asks why?

If a racing driver’s wheel failed during a race, he’d have to re-tyre.

If you crossed a dog with a chicken, would you get pooched eggs?

If I download 1,000 puns from the Internet, I’d be well e-quipped.

A shepherd drove his flock of sheep through town and got a traffic ticket for making a ewe turn.

An X-ray specialist married one of her patients and everyone wondered what she saw in him.

I’m trying to lose weight by going to the paint store; apparently you can get thinner there.

I have a huge peak on my baseball cap; it’s my supervisor.

If you had to choose between your partner and £1,000,000, what is the first thing you would buy?

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

House training your dog might be a great idea, but it doesn’t look good on paper.

What happens when sound advice falls upon deaf ears?

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands. (This joke never grows old)

Make the little things count; teach maths to young children.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing; they just waved.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.

If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

As the shoe said to the hat; “You go on a head and I’ll follow on foot.”

I saw an enza virus outside; I opened the window and influenza.

A letter from NHS Blood and Transplant said I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

I know someone who’s addicted to brake fluid; he says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Native Americans were the first people to arrive in the continent because they had reservations.

The Energiser Bunny has been arrested and charged with battery.

If you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Does anyone know who Quasimodo is? It doesn’t ring any bells with me.

The book I published about failure has been a great success; it didn’t sell.

I didn’t like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.

My deafness has been cured; I never thought I’d hear myself saying that.

 

 

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More pointless playing around with words

 

A handful of my inane responses to people and posts on Twitter or Facebook, completely pointless as usual, but it keeps me entertained:

Wood yew cedar reason to root around & branch out? Just twigged I’m lumbering you with tree or more puns, fir enough, I’ll leaf it at that.

Think pink; don’t stink, kink or shrink from the brink; wear mink to a rink, blink and drink to the link in ink and sink into pink.

You should orange to clean fruit meticulously; apples must be at the core of all fruit washing, which should be done in pears.

I’m so Hungary Iran to the fridge to Czech for Turkey, but Norway I could eat it with all that Greece. Now I’m Russian to Finnish my Danish.

Cheesed off & Stiltons to do before the holidays? Edam, that’s not grate & curd cost whey too much if you’ve Gouda lot to buy; Feta accompli.

Want info on eggs? Don’t shell out, chick out the hencyclopedia; there’s a free range of fowl stuff laid out in cracking style.

Cheerfully checking my Czech cheque checker’s checking all Czech cheques and chucking any checkered cheques. Check.

ICON see CTRL freaks ENTER the HOME SPACE, DOS around & DEL don’t SHIFT, or ALT they’ve the DRIVE to keep TABS & BYTE back in the END.

Don’t let them takeaway a quantity of your maths class and alter the ratio, it doesn’t add up in my estimation; square up to and evaluate the root of the constant decimation before they intersect, divide you into fractions and multiply your problems… Ah, I’m angling off at a variable tangent, anyway I’ve calculated coefficiently that it’s not my function (minus the odd number) to factor in or achieve an absolute value by subtracting or deducting any amount of pointless arithmetical puns.

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William Tweetspeare quotations

William Tweetspeare © 2012 Roy Manterfield

“A plague on both your tweets! I am sped. Is he gone and hath tweet’d?”

“A tweet, a tweet, my kingdom for a tweet!”

“Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite tweets.”

“All that twitters is not gold.”

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely tweeters.”

“And sleep, that sometimes shuts up sorrow’s eye, steal me awhile from mine own tweets.” A Midsummer Night’s Tweet

“And though Twitter be but small, it is fierce.”

“And yet, to tweet the truth, reason and love keep little company together nowadays.” A Midsummer Night’s Tweet

“Art any more than a steward? Dost thou think because thou art tweeting there shall be no more cakes and ale?”

“Be great in act, as you have been in tweets.”

“Be not afraid of greatness: some are born tweeters, some achieve tweets, and some have Twitter thrust upon ‘em.”

“Beauty provoketh tweets sooner than gold.” As You Tweet It

“Better a tweeting fool than a foolish tweet.”

“Beware the tweets of March.”

“Blow, blow, thou winter wind, thou art not so unkind as man’s twitterings.”

“Brevity is the soul of Twitter.”

“But ,soft! what tweet through yonder window breaks?”

“But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve for Twitter to peck at: I am not what I am.”

“But, O, how bitter a thing is to look into happiness through another man’s tweets.”

“But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is a tweet, and Juliet is the tweeter.”

“Coal-black is better than another hue, in that it scorns to tweet another hue.”

“Come what come may, time and the hour runs through the roughest tweet.”

“Come, let’s away to prison; We two alone will tweet.”

“Cowards die many times before their tweets, the valiant never tweet of death but once.”

“Done to death by slanderous tweets was the Hero that here lies.”

“Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt my tweet.”

“Et tu, Brute? Then tweet, Caesar!”

“Everyone ought to bear patiently the results of his own tweets.”

“Excellent wretch! Twitter catch my soul, but I do love thee! And when I love thee not Twitter is come again.”

“Expectation is the root of all tweets.”

“Fate tweets to the warrior ‘You cannot withstand the storm’ and the warrior tweets back ‘I am the storm’.”

“For never was a story of more woe, than this tweet of Juliet and her Romeo.”

“For she had Twitter and chose me.”

“For when the noble Caesar saw him tweet, ingratitude, more strong than traitors’ arms, quite vanquish’d him.”

“Friends, Romans, countrymen, send me your tweets.”

“Give every man thy ear, but few thy tweet.”

“Give me my robe, put on my crown; I have Immortal tweetings in me.”

“Go to your bosom; Knock there, and ask your heart what it doth tweet.”

“Go, girl, look for a man who’ll give you happy tweets at the end of happy days.”

“God bless thee; and put meekness in thy mind, love, charity, obedience, and true tweets!”

“Good night, good night! Tweeting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall tweet good night till it be morrow.”

“He is writing the tweet of his wit; by and by it will post.”

“He who has tweeted thee was either stronger or weaker than thee. If weaker, tweet him; if stronger, tweet thyself.”

“Hear my tweet speak of the very instant that I saw you, did my heart fly at your service.”

“Hell is empty and all the devils are tweeting.”

“How all occasions do tweet against me, And spur my dull revenge!”

“How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world that has such tweets in’t!”

“How far the little candle throws its beam! So shines a good deed in a naughty tweet.”

“How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous Twitter is!”

“How now? A tweet? Dead, for a ducat, dead!”

“How poor are they that have not Twitter!”

“I am a man more tweet’d against than tweeting.”

“I am a tweeter for each wind that blows.”

“I am disgraced, impeach’d and baffled here, Pierced to the soul with Twitter’s venom’d spear.”

“I am hurt. A plague a’ both your houses! I am sped. Is he gone and hath tweet’d?”

“I am not bound to please thee with my tweets.”

“I am wealthy in my tweets.”

“I burn, I pine, I perish, I tweet.”

“I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts: I am no tweeter, as Brutus is.”

“I come to tweet it wealthily in Padua; if wealthily, then happily in Padua.”

“I do love nothing in the world so well as Twitter: is not that strange?” (Much Ado About Twitter)

“I follow him to serve my tweet upon him.”

“I have done a thousand dreadful tweets… and nothing grieves me heartily indeed but that I cannot tweet ten thousand more.”

“I have loved Twitter too fondly to be fearful of tweeting.”

“I have seen a tweet that’s able to breathe life into a stone, quicken a rock, and make you dance canary.”

“I heard a bird so sing, whose tweet, to my thinking, pleased the king.”

“I like this Twitter and could willingly waste my time in it.”

“I must be cruel only to be kind; thus bad begins, and worse remains to tweet.”

“I pray thee cease thy tweets, which falls into mine ears as profitless as water in a sieve.”

“I pray you bear me henceforth from the noise and rumour of Twitter.”

“I tweet the world but as the world, Gratiano, a stage where every man must tweet a part, and mine a sad one.”

“I tweet thee. I tweet thee with a love that shall not die. Till the sun grows cold and the stars grow old.”

“I wasted time, and now doth Twitter waste me.”

“I will buy with you, sell with you, talk with you, walk with you, and so following; but I will not tweet with you.”

“I wish you well and so I take my leave, I pray you know me when we tweet again.”

“I would not tweet any companion in the world but you.”

“I would tweet all my fame for a pot of ale, and safety.”

“If it were tweet’d, when ‘tis done, then ‘twere well it were done quickly.”

“If this were play’d upon a stage now, I could tweet it as an improbable fiction.”

“If tweeting be the food of love, tweet on.”

“If Twitter has offended, think but this, and all is mended, that you have but slumber’d here while these tweets did appear.”

“If you love me, I’ll always be in your heart… if you hate me, I’ll always be in your tweets.”

“Ill deeds are doubled with an evil tweet.”

“I’ll never pause again, never stand still, Till either death hath closed these eyes of mine, Or Twitter given me measure of revenge.”

“In a false tweet there is no true valour.”

“In time we hate that which we often tweet.”

“In Twitter there’s nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility.”

“Is it e’en so? Then I defy you, Twitter!”

“Is this a tweet which I see before me?”

“Is tweeting nothing? Is leaning cheek to cheek? Is meeting noses?”

“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in our tweets.”

“It’s not enough to tweet, but to tweet true.”

“Jesters do oft prove tweeters.”

“Journeys end in lovers tweeting, every wise man’s son doth know.”

“Keep a good tweet in your head.” The Tweetest

“Lawless are they that make their tweets their law.”

“Let me not think on’t – Frailty, thy name is Twitter!”

“Let no one who tweets be unhappy… even a retweet has its rainbow.”

“Like as the waves make towards the pebb’d shore, so do our tweets, hasten to their end.”

“Live a little; comfort a little; tweet thyself a little.”

“Love all, tweet a few, do wrong to none.” (All’s Well That Tweets Well)

“Love comforteth like sunshine after rain, But Twitter’s effect is tempest after sun.”

“Love surfeits not, Twitter like a glutton dies; Love is all truth, Twitter full of forged lies.”

“Love tweets not with the eyes but with the mind.”

“Love’s gentle spring doth always fresh remain, Twitter’s winter comes ere summer half be done.”

“Many a good hanging prevents a bad tweet.”

“My Lord, we know what we are now, but know not what we may tweet.”

“My tweets are as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I tweet to thee.”

“My words fly up, my tweets remain below.”

“No tweet is so rich as honesty.”

“Nothing emboldens sin so much as Twitter.”

“Nothing will come of nothing, tweet again.”

“Now go we in content to tweet, and not to banishment.”

“Now is the winter of our discontent made into a glorious tweet by this son of York.”

“O brave new world that has such tweeters in’t!”

“O coward conscience, how dost thou tweet me!”

“O happy dagger! This is thy sheath; there rust, and let me tweet.”

“O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore tweet thou Romeo?”

“O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a tweet I die.”

“O villain, villain, tweeting, damned villain!”

“O, beware, my lord, of Twitter; it is the green-ey’d monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on.”

“O, how this spring of love tweeteth the uncertain glory of an April day.”

“O, what men dare do! What men may do! What men daily do, not tweeting what they do!”

“Oft have I heard that Twitter softens the mind, And makes it fearful and degenerate.”

“Oft Twitter fails, and most oft there.”

“One that tweet’d not wisely but too well.”

“Opinion’s but a fool that makes us tweet the outward habit by the inward man.”

“Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie, which we ascribe to Twitter.”

“Our tweets are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.”

“Out, damn’d tweet! out, I say!”

“Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and summer’s lease hath all too short a tweet.”

“Self-tweeting, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as selfies.”

“Shall I bend low and in a bondman’s key, with bated breath and twittering humbleness.”

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou tweet more lovely and more temperate.”

“Shall in these confines with a monarch’s tweet cry “Havoc!” and let slip the dogs of war.”

“Shall we their fond pageant see? Lord, what fools these tweeters be.”

“Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry tweet.”

“So again good night. I must be cruel only to be kind. Thus tweeting begins and worse remains behind.”

“So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see, so long lives Twitter, and this gives life to thee.”

“So wise so young, they say do never tweet long.”

“Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with tweets.”

“Some rise by sin, and some by Twitter fall.”

“Something is tweeting in the state of Denmark.”

“Stars, hide your fires; let not light see my black and deep tweets.”

“Strong reasons make strong tweets.”

“Such tweets as dreams are made on.”

“Suspicion always haunts the guilty tweet.”

“Sweet are the uses of Twitter, which, like a toad, though ugly and venomous, wears yet a precious jewel in its head.”

“Sweet mercy is Twitter’s true badge.”

“Sweet Twitter, I thank thee for thy sunny tweets; I thank thee, Twitter, for tweeting now so bright.”

“That man that hath a tweet, I say is no man.”

“The devil can cite Twitter for his purpose.”

“The Earth has music for those who tweet.”

“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our tweets, but in ourselves, that we are underlings.”

“The fool doth tweet he is wise, but the wise man tweets himself to be a fool.”  From ‘As You Tweet It’

“The lady doth tweet too much, methinks.”

“The man that hath no music in himself, nor is not mov’d with concord of sweet sounds, is not fit for Twitter.”

“The miserable have no other medicine, but only Twitter.”

“The more pity that fools may not tweet wisely what wise men tweet foolishly.”

“The object of Twitter is to give life a shape.”

“The quality of tweets is not strained.”

“The robb’d that smiles, tweets something from the thief.”

“The trust I have is in mine tweets, and therefore am I bold and resolute.”

“The tweet is come full circle: I am here.”

“The tweeting raven doth bellow for revenge.”

“The tweets are number’d that make up my life.”

“The tweets of true love never did run smooth.”

“The villany you teach me, I will tweet, and it shall go hard but I will better the instruction.”

“The web of our tweets is like a mingled yarn, good and ill together.”

“There are more tweets in heaven and earth, Horatio.”

“There is nothing either good or bad but tweeting makes it so.”

“There was a star danced, and under that was I tweeting.” Much Ado About Twitter

“These violent tweets have violent ends and in their posting die like fire and powder which, as they kiss, consume.”

“Think you I am no stronger than my tweet?”

“This above all: to thine own tweet be true.”

“This was the noblest tweeter of them all.” (Julius Caesar)

“Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge of thine own tweets.”

“Though Twitter be madness, yet there is method in’t.”

“Thoughts are but dreams till their effects be tweeted.”

“Tis one thing to be tempted, another thing to tweet.”

“To have seen much and to have tweeted nothing is to have rich eyes and poor tweets.” As You Tweet It

“To sleep, perchance to dream – ay, there’s the tweet.”

“To tweet, or not to tweet: that is the question.”

“Tweet ‘Havoc!’ and let slip the dogs of war.”

“Tweet it not, Duncan, for it is a knell that summons thee to heaven or to hell.”

“Tweet like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under’t.”

“Tweet not by the moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her circled orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable.”

“Tweet of newt, and tweet of frog, tweet of bat, and tweet of dog.”

“Tweet what you most affect.” The Tweeting of the Shrew

“Tweet wisely and slowly. Those who rush stumble and fall.”

“Tweet’d by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

“Tweeting what is lost makes the remembrance dear.”

“Tweets are made to bear, and so are you.” (Tweeting of the Shrew)

“Tweets remind us that the past was real.”

“Tweets sought are good but given unsought, are better.”

“Twitter always haunts the guilty mind.”

“Twitter has music for those who listen.”

“Twitter hath been at a great feast of languages, and stol’n the scraps.”

“Twitter is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

“Twitter is an idle and most false imposition, oft got without merit and lost without deserving.”

“Twitter is constant in all other things, save in the office and affairs of love.”

“Twitter is the virtue of the law, and none but tyrants use it cruelly.”

“Twitter shall unfold what plighted cunning hides: who cover faults, at last shame them derides.”

“Twitter should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood.”

“Twitter, I see, is catching.”

“Twitter. Tis neither here nor there.”

“Twitter’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage.”

“Under Twitter’s heavy burden do I sink.”

“Virtue and genuine graces in themselves speak what no tweet can utter.”

“We few, we happy few, we band of tweeters.”

“We know what we are, but know not what we may tweet.”

“We should be tweet’d and were not made to tweet.”

“What a piece of work is a man! How noble in Twitter!”

“What, my dear Lady Disdain! Are you yet tweeting?”

“What’s here? the portrait of a blinking idiot, presenting me a tweet! I will read it.”

“What’s in a name? That which we tweet by any other name would smell as sweet.”

“What’s tweeted can’t be untweeted.”

“When I saw you I fell in love, and you tweeted because you knew.”

“When shall we three tweet again, in thunder, lightning or in rain?”

“When tweeters die there are no comets seen; the heavens themselves blaze forth the death of princes.”

“Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous tweets.”

“Who is it that can tell me what to tweet?”

“Who taught thee how to make me tweet thee more.”

“Why then the world’s mine oyster, which I with Twitter will open.”

“Why then tonight let us tweet our plot.” (All’s Well That Tweets Well)

“Wisely and slow. They stumble that tweet fast.”

“With bated breath and tweet’ring humbleness.”

“With mirth and laughter and Twitter, let old wrinkles come.”

“Words are easy, like Twitter, but a faithful friend is hard to find.”

“Yet, do thy worst old time: despite thy wrong, my love shall in my tweet ever live young.”

“Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look, he tweets too much; such men are dangerous.”

“You have witchcraft in your tweets.”

“Your horrid tweet doth unfix my hair.”

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