How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A small collection of ‘light bulb’ jokes; prompted by the glowing and vibrant Bright Ideas Nottingham.

 

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? There’s no such thing as aliens… anyway they’re too short and only use glowballs.

How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the entire collective will be thinking about it.

How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s not rocket science.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’ll need at least three light bulbs.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one; they don’t like to share the spotlight.

How many librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but I can look it up for you.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? It depends on what you want them to change it into.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.

How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the new bulb probably won’t work either.

How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb might start working again.

How many historians does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know; that’s not my period.

How many public relations staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re supposed to keep you in the dark.

How many voyeurs does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’d much rather watch someone else do it.

How many haters does it take to change a light bulb? None; they fear change, even if it can make the world a brighter place.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many IT tech staff does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and on again?

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? Cats don’t change light bulbs; they have servants for that.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb will change itself when it’s ready.

How many council staff does it take to change a light bulb? None; the work’s been outsourced.

How many censors does it take to change a light bulb? ███; one to ████, another to ███ while █ ███ ██ with ███.

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Four; one to change the bulb and three to brag about how big it is.

How many Thought Police does it take to change a light bulb? None; there ‘never was’ a light bulb…

How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? None; you’ll never get their attention.

How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it’s a hardware problem.

How many tech-support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring…

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and another to change it back again.

How many government ministers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they sack someone else for letting it go out.

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to carry out a risk assessment.

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb? Three; one to change it and two to argue about its age.

How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb? Sorry, we closed a few seconds ago.

How many proof readers does it take to light a change blub? Sorry, I didn’t sea that won.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Two; the new one and the old one.

How many advertising executives does it take to change a light bulb? None; dark is a brand new feature of the bulb.

How many chickens does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to cross the road.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? No chance, but the cat wants to know when the light will be repaired, when its food will be served up, and when a proper massage will begin?

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb? One; plus or minus three (small sample size).

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? None ‘o yo’ damn business!!

How many Mensa members does it take to change a light bulb? None; the bulb isn’t bright enough.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the bulb and one not to change it.

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? None; Klingons aren’t afraid of the dark.

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000.

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? Irrelevant; you will be assimilated and change it for us.

How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change it and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to change the light bulb and one to hold the penis, mother, I mean LADDER!

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don’t ask me how they got in there!

How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? “I can’t tell whether you mean ‘change’ a light bulb or ‘have sex’ in a light bulb. Can we reword it to remove the ambiguity?”

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to rotate it and one to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? One, no two, no four, no eight, no…

How many Catholic Priests / C of E Vicars / Orthodox Rabbis (delete as applicable) does it take to change light bulb? “Change? Change??!”

How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two; one to change it and one to protest that it should be ‘light bulb’.

How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? None; they’re not interested in that short wave stuff.

How many Bob Dylan fans does it take to change a light bulb? The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.

 

 

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Mae Oreo-West Quotations

For @xjazzy13 ► official #Oreogirl member and Minister of Chocolate.

Mae Oreo-West“When choosing between two #Oreos, I always pick the one I never tried before.”

“Is that an #Oreo in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

“Save an #Oreo for a rainy day, and another, in case it doesn’t rain.”

“When I’m good, I’m very good. But when I’ve an #Oreo I’m better.”

“Why don’t you come on up and #Oreo me sometime.”

“I’ll try any #Oreo once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.”

“Don’t keep a man guessing too long; he’s sure to find an #Oreo somewhere else.”

“So many #Oreos… so little time.”

“I never loved another person the way I loved #Oreos.”

“I generally avoid an #Oreo unless I can’t resist it.”

“Too much of an #Oreo can be wonderful.”

“A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald, but if he has #Oreos, women will like him.”

“An #Oreo in the house is worth two in the street.”

“An #Oreo worth doing is worth doing slowly.”

“#Oreos conquer all things except poverty and toothache.”

“I only have ‘yes’ #Oreos around me. Who needs ‘no’ #Oreos?”

“I speak two languages, #Oreo and English.”

“It’s not the men in my life that count; it’s the life in my #Oreos.”

“I didn’t discover #Oreos; I only uncovered them.”

“Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of #Oreos.”

“I’m a woman of very few words, but lots of #Oreos.”

“I only like two kinds of #Oreos, domestic and imported.”

“Love isn’t an emotion or an instinct; it’s an #Oreo.”

“If I asked for an #Oreo, someone would search for the double meaning.”

“It ain’t no sin if you crack a few #Oreos now and then, just so long as you don’t break any.”

“Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman an #Oreo.”

“#Oreos are the most important thing to an actress’s success.”

“Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with an #Oreo.”

“If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too many #Oreos are just about right!”

“The #Oreo is more powerful than the sword.”

“One more #Oreo and I’ll be under the host.”

“The best way to hold an #Oreo is in your arms.”

“Too many girls follow the line of least resistance, but a good #Oreo is hard to resist.”

“I see you’re a man with #Oreos. I better be going while you’ve still got them.”

“Any time you got nothing to do, and lots of #Oreos, come on up.”

“#Oreos are easy to get but hard to keep.”

“#Oreos are an asset to the woman in love who’s smart enough to hide ‘em.”

“An ounce of #Oreo is worth pounds of promises.”

“If you put your #Oreo in it, be sure it’s your best #Oreo.”

“Love thy neighbour; and if he happens to be tall, debonair and has #Oreos, it will be that much easier.”


 

 

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Trick or Tweet Stories


A small selection of Twitter sized stories gleaned from the internet for Halloween…


Trick or TweetSitting down, he began to tell his girlfriend about his day; she listened patiently, her lifeless, glassy eyes staring.

I woke in the middle of the night and felt my dog jump onto the bed; felt her breath and her… scaly skin…

She woke up to find the empty apartment littered with Polaroids of her, asleep…

He had always loved his mother dearly and, after her death, he found comfort in her familiar but cold embrace…

The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door…

Terrified, I snapped the bolt across and ducked under the covers. Then a voice said; “Now we’re both locked in for the night…”

He looked down at his shadow. He could feel the cold biting at his ears. He looked at his shadow again; it wasn’t the cold…

She shuffles through the leaves, holding the small hand by her side. But the hand is cooling now and it still drips…

He tripped and fell, the contents of his pack emptied out; his late wife lay in bloody pieces, strewn across the floor.

In the dark ~ Naomi mistook ~ a shard of glass ~ for her contact lens

She woke from a disturbed sleep and stared, shivering, at the writing on her wall; “You are so beautiful when you sleep.”

As he raised his hand to hit her she put a bullet through his head. Then she sat by his body for a while, until it stirred…

I smile when I arrive home and hear my wife singing to our baby upstairs. Then she texts me: “I’ll be home late; traffic.”

“Do you love me?” Said the figure with outstretched arms, shuffling out of the dark hallway, wearing the skin of his wife.

The gentle night breeze briefly blew the curtains open, revealing a pale face peering in through the open window…

As he climbed the stairs, he glanced at the reflection in the window… and caught a glimpse of something just behind him.

He woke to the baby’s cry & the memory of his wife. The wail stopped & he smiled… until he saw who was nursing the baby.

As he fell into the water of the old quarry he saw, just under the surface, hundreds of eyes, black and wide with hunger…

Father was a butcher and very good at it. She learned early on not to get attached, but she did love to hear them beg…

A tweet from an old friend. He smiled and replied. He Googled him. A chill ran up his spine. His friend died last week.

I feel a solid wall above me, below me and all around me, now the sense of panic rises uncontrollably…

She slowly entered the kitchen, breath condensing and heart pounding; she heard a scratching… it was the cat trying to get in.


These Trick or Tweet Halloween stories were gleaned from the internet and reduced to Twitter size as prompted by Bright Ideas Nottingham@brightideasnott :^)


 

 

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Even shorter jokes

Time flies like an arrowBroken pencils are pointless.

I read magazines periodically.

Clones are people two.

Geese grow up and grow down at the same time.

The writing is on the wall for graffiti.

River valleys are gorgeous.

I’m itching to visit a Flea Market.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Drilling holes for water is well boring.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

After M and T my diary says WTF.

Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8th

Queen bees often come out in hives.

I’ve sold my homing pigeon eight times on eBay.

Sparkling water is still water.

Spoonerists are teople poo.

There are many misconceptions about pregnancy.

Whales are weighed at a whale weigh station.

William Tell’s son was the apple of his eye.

People say love is blind, but I can’t see it myself.

Being castrated is a eunuch experience.

Amputations cost an arm and a leg.

Bee stings are in the hand of the bee holder.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Do hotel managers get board with their jobs?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Root canal work is deeply unnerving.

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

Why was the broom late? It overswept.

Which cheese is made backwards? Edam.

How do you get Holy Water? Boil the hell out of it.

Milliners get angry at the drop of a hat.

Noah kept bees in the ark hives.

My bucket isn’t very well; it’s a little pail.

Polite children take after their parents.

Pouring from teapots is a strain.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

Fatigues are tired uniforms.

I have a yen to visit Tokyo.

Consciousness; that annoying time between naps.

Subservient fish know their plaice.

What’s green and runs around the garden? A hedge.

Genetic scientists wear eau de clone.

When chemists die, they barium.

Electrons have mass, therefore they are Catholic.

What’s red and invisible? No tomatoes.

I’ve found a hole in my sock; darn it!

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

My ventriloquist’s dummy is already spoken for.

Aesop was famous for his foibles.

Walking on hot coals is no mean feet.

Apparently the Dalai Lama is not actually a Llama.

If you sit on a pumpkin, does it become a squash?

If a clock’s hungry it goes back four seconds.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Hermaphroditism is an end in itself.

Business is looking up for astronomers.

French philosophers vie for the meaning of life.

The French version of ‘Cats’ is a chat show.

I’m so thirsty I could drink Canada Dry.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

I’m a big fan of wind turbines.

What’s another word for thesaurus?

Idioms are for the birds.

What’s the speed of dark?

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

I avoid clichés like the plague.

What’s another word for synonym?

I don’t remember being absent minded.

Homonyms are a reel waist of thyme.

Hyperbole is the BEST THING EVER!

An unemployed jester is nobody’s fool.

What do quantum whales eat? Planckton.

The Mexican train killer had locomotives.

A knighthood would be quite a sir prize.

Whenever I see a broken lift I tend to stair.

Hunting wild pigs is boaring.

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

Lif is too short.

Turning vegan was a big missed steak.

Cuddling a cat gives you a good feline.

A good artist knows where to draw the line.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

Sign language is handy.

Tea is for mugs.

PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

I am sick and tried of auto correct jokes.

Cannibals like to meat people.

I can’t stand sitting.

I tried to catch some fog, but mist.

Life as a yo-yo has its ups and downs.

I just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.

I don’t make predictions, and I never will.

How do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

A good pun is its own reword.


 

 

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Yet another selection of jokes and word play

I want to learn how to make ice-cream, so I’m going to sundae school.

On the stock exchange today, helium was up, feathers were down and paper was stationary.

Why did the biscuit cry? Because his mother was a wafer too long.

When police officers get cold they go undercover.

Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

Trainee pilots are nervous because their future is always up in the air.

I’d quite like to be a millionaire just like my dad; he always wanted to be a millionaire too.

I saw someone on the beach shouting “Help, shark! Help!” You have to laugh; that shark’s never going to help him.

Sunglasses are a bit like Facebook; you can stare at people without getting caught.

One tiny mistake can ruin everything you’ve worked so hard for; Tetris can be so damned annoying.

There’s a time and place for wasting your life away and this is it.

Don’t you just hate it when people use words that Google can’t find?

James Bond once slept right through an earthquake; he was shaken, not stirred.

I couldn’t afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive and steel wool.

Bakers with a sense of humour bake wry bread.

The best way to make an apple crumble is to torture it for 10 minutes.

A car showroom used to smuggle cars into the country, until they were convicted of trafficking.

A dangerous new strain of bacteria has been found in packs of soft butter; and it spreads easily.

Three of my fingers are willing, but my thumb and forefinger are opposed.

Police are searching for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lighted match; they want to catch him before he strikes again.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses three thousand times the memory.

Experience is great: it allows you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

Mathematical puns are the first sine of madness.

By the time you can make ends meet, somebody has moved the ends.

If everything seems to be going well, you have probably overlooked something.

Madness takes its toll; please have the exact change ready.

One good thing about egotists; they don’t talk about other people.

I always wanted to be a pharmacist, because I grew up on a pharm.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a baby horse and made a complete foal of myself.

Although he was afraid of mice, it didn’t keep him from eeking out a living at a pet store.

How do you make a whale float? A glass of soda, a scoop of ice cream and a whale.

An old gag: When the author of the hokey cokey died it was a nightmare getting him in the coffin; everytime they put his left leg in…

A French restaurant had five dishwashers; they were known as the kitchen cinq.

A jellyfish walked into a hardware shop and bought ten drills.

When ceiling fans were invented, they were considered revolutionary.

If anyone knows the shortest word in the English language containing the letters A, B, C, D, E and F, I’d welcome FEEDBACK.

Our cat did really well in the milk-drinking competition; he licked the competition and won by six laps.

I couldn’t make my mind up whether to set our scales to pounds or kilos, and then I decided either weigh would do.

The Bicycle Wheel Manufacturers Association has appointed a new spokes-person.

I used to go to an origami class, until it folded.

It’s always best to use teabags, as all proper tea is theft.

The knight walked into the blacksmith’s shop and the blacksmith said; “come in, you’ve got mail.”

A man walked into a bar and asked for a pitcher full of beer, so the bartender gave him a drunken baseball player.

Looking up at the stars tonight, I began to ask some profound questions like… “Where the hell is the shed roof?”

How do you get to Wales in a Mini; one in the back and one in the front.

How do you get two whales in a Mini; down the M4 and over the Severn Bridge.

Support bacteria! It’s the only culture some people have.

Women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.

Gas powered aircraft were never successful; in strong winds the pilot used to go out.

Squirrels swim on their back to keep their nuts dry.

Drat, I forgot to go to the gym again today; that’s 42 years in a row now.

Coming soon, timepieces for astronauts; watch this space!

No one could play cards on the ark, because Noah sat on the deck.

I was going to tweet a really good joke about apathy, but I can’t be bothered.

My favourite outdoor activity is coming back inside.

Interesting; apparently you can go to the gym without mentioning in on Twitter or Facebook.

I’ve made my lawn chicken-proof; it’s impeccable.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.

Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

Someone just told me I’m delusional! I nearly fell off my unicorn.

Is anyone else worried about that 0.01% of germs that can’t be killed?

Can you imagine the self control you’d need if you worked in a bubble wrap factory?

I never make the same mistake twice; four or five times usually covers it.

When one door closes another one opens; that’s yet another reason the car needs servicing.

How is it that in maths problems you can buy 75 cantaloupes and no one asks why?

If a racing driver’s wheel failed during a race, he’d have to re-tyre.

If you crossed a dog with a chicken, would you get pooched eggs?

If I download 1,000 puns from the Internet, I’d be well e-quipped.

A shepherd drove his flock of sheep through town and got a traffic ticket for making a ewe turn.

An X-ray specialist married one of her patients and everyone wondered what she saw in him.

I’m trying to lose weight by going to the paint store; apparently you can get thinner there.

I have a huge peak on my baseball cap; it’s my supervisor.

If you had to choose between your partner and £1,000,000, what is the first thing you would buy?

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

House training your dog might be a great idea, but it doesn’t look good on paper.

What happens when sound advice falls upon deaf ears?

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands. (This joke never grows old)

Make the little things count; teach maths to young children.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing; they just waved.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.

If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

As the shoe said to the hat; “You go on a head and I’ll follow on foot.”

I saw an enza virus outside; I opened the window and influenza.

A letter from NHS Blood and Transplant said I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

I know someone who’s addicted to brake fluid; he says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Native Americans were the first people to arrive in the continent because they had reservations.

The Energiser Bunny has been arrested and charged with battery.

If you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Does anyone know who Quasimodo is? It doesn’t ring any bells with me.

The book I published about failure has been a great success; it didn’t sell.

I didn’t like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.

My deafness has been cured; I never thought I’d hear myself saying that.

 

 

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More pointless playing around with words

 

A handful of my inane responses to people and posts on Twitter or Facebook, completely pointless as usual, but it keeps me entertained:

Wood yew cedar reason to root around & branch out? Just twigged I’m lumbering you with tree or more puns, fir enough, I’ll leaf it at that.

Think pink; don’t stink, kink or shrink from the brink; wear mink to a rink, blink and drink to the link in ink and sink into pink.

You should orange to clean fruit meticulously; apples must be at the core of all fruit washing, which should be done in pears.

I’m so Hungary Iran to the fridge to Czech for Turkey, but Norway I could eat it with all that Greece. Now I’m Russian to Finnish my Danish.

Cheesed off & Stiltons to do before the holidays? Edam, that’s not grate & curd cost whey too much if you’ve Gouda lot to buy; Feta accompli.

Want info on eggs? Don’t shell out, chick out the hencyclopedia; there’s a free range of fowl stuff laid out in cracking style.

Cheerfully checking my Czech cheque checker’s checking all Czech cheques and chucking any checkered cheques. Check.

ICON see CTRL freaks ENTER the HOME SPACE, DOS around & DEL don’t SHIFT, or ALT they’ve the DRIVE to keep TABS & BYTE back in the END.

Don’t let them takeaway a quantity of your maths class and alter the ratio, it doesn’t add up in my estimation; square up to and evaluate the root of the constant decimation before they intersect, divide you into fractions and multiply your problems… Ah, I’m angling off at a variable tangent, anyway I’ve calculated coefficiently that it’s not my function (minus the odd number) to factor in or achieve an absolute value by subtracting or deducting any amount of pointless arithmetical puns.

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William Tweetspeare quotations

William Tweetspeare © 2012 Roy Manterfield

“A barren detested vale, you see it is;
The trees, though summer, yet forlorn and lean,
O’ercome with moss and baleful mistletoe:
Here never shines the sun; here nothing shares a post,
Unless the nightly owl or fatal raven tweet.”

“A plague on both your tweets! I am sped. Is he gone and hath tweet’d?”

“A tweet, a tweet, my kingdom for a tweet!”

“Alas, poor Twitter, almost afraid to know itself!”

“Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite tweets.”

“All that twitters is not gold.”

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely tweeters.”

“And other tweets of woe, which now seem woe, compared with loss of thee will not seem so.”

“And sleep, that sometimes shuts up sorrow’s eye, steal me awhile from mine own tweets.”

“And though Twitter be but small, it is fierce.”

“And yet, to tweet the truth, reason and love keep little company together nowadays.”

“Art any more than a steward? Dost thou think because thou art tweeting there shall be no more cakes and ale?”

“As soon go kindle fire with snow, as seek to quench the fire of love with tweets.”

“As you are old and reverend, you should tweet.”

“Be great in act, as you have been in tweets.”

“Be not afraid of greatness: some are born tweeters, some achieve tweets, and some have Twitter thrust upon ‘em.”

“Be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow, thou shalt not escape Twitter. Get thee to a device, go.”

“Beauty provoketh tweets sooner than gold.”

“Besides, the knave is handsome, young, and hath all those requisites in him that folly and green minds tweet about.”

“Better a tweeting fool than a foolish tweet.”

“Beware the tweets of March.”

“Blow, blow, thou winter wind, thou art not so unkind as man’s twitterings.”

“Brevity is the soul of Twitter.”

“But ,soft! what tweet through yonder window breaks?”

“But I say there is no hope in’t: our tweets are sentenced and stay upon execution.”

“But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve for Twitter to peck at: I am not what I am.”

“But if the while I tweet on thee, dear friend, all losses are restored and sorrows end.”

“But Twitter is blind, and tweeters cannot see the pretty follies that they themselves post.”

“But words are words, I never yet did hear that the bruised heart was pierced through Twitter.”

“But, O, how bitter a thing is to look into happiness through another man’s tweets.”

“But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is a tweet, and Juliet is the tweeter.”

“By the tweeting of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.”

“Coal-black is better than another hue, in that it scorns to tweet another hue.”

“Come on, brave Tweeters: doubt not of the day.”

“Come what come may, time and the hour runs through the roughest tweet.”

“Come, let’s away to prison; We two alone will tweet.”

“Cowards die many times before their tweets, the valiant never tweet of death but once.”

“Done to death by slanderous tweets was the Hero that here lies.”

“Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more tweets of cakes and ale and selfies?”

“Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt my tweet.”

“Et tu, Brute? Then tweet, Caesar!”

“Every man has his faults, and Twitter is his.”

“Everyone ought to bear patiently the results of his own tweets.”

“Excellent wretch! Twitter catch my soul, but I do love thee! And when I love thee not Twitter is come again.”

“Expectation is the root of all tweets.”

“Fair tweeter, burn out thy light, and lend it not to darken her whose tweets excelleth thine.”

“Fate tweets to the warrior ‘You cannot withstand the storm’ and the warrior tweets back ‘I am the storm’.”

“For God’s sake, let us sit upon the ground and tweet sad stories of the death of kings.”

“For never was a story of more woe, than this tweet of Juliet and her Romeo.”

“For now these hot days is the mad blood stirring and tweeting.”

“For she had Twitter and chose me.”

“For when the noble Caesar saw him tweet, ingratitude, more strong than traitors’ arms, quite vanquish’d him.”

“Friends, Romans, countrymen, send me your tweets.”

“From you have I been absent in the spring, when proud-pied April dress’d in all his trim, hath put a tweet of youth in every thing.”

“Give every man thy ear, but few thy tweet.”

“Give me my robe, put on my crown; I have Immortal tweetings in me.”

“Give me some ink and paper in my tent; I’ll draw the form and model of our tweets.”

“Go to your bosom; Knock there, and ask your heart what it doth tweet.”

“Go, girl, look for a man who’ll give you happy tweets at the end of happy days.”

“God bless thee; and put meekness in thy mind, love, charity, obedience, and true tweets!”

“God has given you one face, and you tweet yourself another.”

“God has given you one Twitter account, and you make yourself another.”

“Good night, good night! Tweeting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall tweet good night till it be morrow.”

“He does me double wrong that wounds me with the flatteries of his tweets.”

“He is writing the tweet of his wit; by and by it will post.”

“He tweets if with a better grace, but I tweet it more natural.”

“He who has tweeted thee was either stronger or weaker than thee. If weaker, tweet him; if stronger, tweet thyself.”

“He will make the face of Twitter so fine that all the world will fall in love with night.”

“Hear my tweet speak of the very instant that I saw you, did my heart fly at your service.”

“Heaven truly knows that thou art false as Twitter.”

“Heaven truly knows that thou tweet false as hell.”

“Hell is empty and all the devils are tweeting.”

“Here can I sit alone, unseen of any, and to the nightingale’s complaining notes tweet my distresses and retweet my woes.”

“Here come the lovers, full of joy and mirth – joy, gentle friends! Joy and fresh days of love accompany your tweets!”

“His wit set down to make his valour live, death makes no conquest of this conqueror; for now he lives in fame, though not on Twitter.”

“How all occasions do tweet against me, And spur my dull revenge!”

“How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world that has such tweets in’t!”

“How far the little candle throws its beam! So shines a good deed in a naughty tweet.”

“How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous Twitter is!”

“How now? A tweet? Dead, for a ducat, dead!”

“How poor are they that have not Twitter!”

“I all alone beweep my outcast state and trouble Twitter with my bootless cries and look upon myself and tweet my fate.”

“I am a man more tweet’d against than tweeting.”

“I am a tweeter for each wind that blows.”

“I am disgraced, impeach’d and baffled here, Pierced to the soul with Twitter’s venom’d spear.”

“I am done, for thou hast more of the wild-goose in one of thy tweets than I.”

“I am hurt. A plague a’ both your houses! I am sped. Is he gone and hath tweet’d?”

“I am not bound to please thee with my tweets.”

“I am resolved to post a greater tweet than any thou canst conjure up to-day.”

“I am wealthy in my tweets.”

“I burn, I pine, I perish, I tweet.”

“I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts: I am no tweeter, as Brutus is.”

“I come to tweet it wealthily in Padua; if wealthily, then happily in Padua.”

“I could be tweeted in a nutshell and count myself king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams.”

“I could be well moved, if I were as you: If I could tweet to move, Twitter would move me: But I am constant as the northern star.”

“I do love nothing in the world so well as Twitter: is not that strange?”

“I follow him to serve my tweet upon him.”

“I have done a thousand dreadful tweets… and nothing grieves me heartily indeed but that I cannot tweet ten thousand more.”

“I have loved Twitter too fondly to be fearful of tweeting.”

“I have seen a tweet that’s able to breathe life into a stone, quicken a rock, and make you dance canary.”

“I have too long borne your blunt upbraidings and your bitter tweets.”

“I have used Twitter too frequently, to ever be frightened of the night.”

“I heard a bird so sing, whose tweet, to my thinking, pleased the king.”

“I like this Twitter and could willingly waste my time in it.”

“I must be cruel only to be kind; thus bad begins, and worse remains to tweet.”

“I pray thee cease thy tweets, which falls into mine ears as profitless as water in a sieve.”

“I pray you bear me henceforth from the noise and rumour of Twitter.”

“I say there is no darkness but Twitter.”

“I take it up; and by that tweet I swear which gently laid my knighthood on my shoulder, I’ll answer thee in any fair degree, or chivalrous design of knightly trial.”

“I tweet the world but as the world, Gratiano, a stage where every man must tweet a part, and mine a sad one.”

“I tweet thee. I tweet thee with a love that shall not die. Till the sun grows cold and the stars grow old.”

“I was tweeting for a fool when I found you.”

“I wasted time, and now doth Twitter waste me.”

“I will buy with you, sell with you, talk with you, walk with you, and so following; but I will not tweet with you.”

“I wish you well and so I take my leave, I pray you know me when we tweet again.”

“I would not tweet any companion in the world but you.”

“I would tweet all my fame for a pot of ale, and safety.”

“I, that did never tweet, now melt with woe, that winter should cut off our spring-time so.”

“If he could right himself with tweets, some of us would lie low.”

“If I do tweet thee, I do tweet a thing that none but fools would tweet.”

“If I lose mine Twitter account, I lose myself.”

“If it were tweet’d, when ‘tis done, then ‘twere well it were done quickly.”

“If this were play’d upon a stage now, I could tweet it as an improbable fiction.”

“If tweeting be the food of love, tweet on.”

“If Twitter has offended, think but this, and all is mended, that you have but slumber’d here while these tweets did appear.”

“If you can look into the seeds of time and say which grains will grow and which will not, tweet then to me.”

“If you love me, I’ll always be in your heart… if you hate me, I’ll always be in your tweets.”

“Ill deeds are doubled with an evil tweet.”

“I’ll never pause again, never stand still, Till either death hath closed these eyes of mine, Or Twitter given me measure of revenge.”

“I’ll tweet in a monstrous little voice.”

“In a false tweet there is no true valour.”

“In thy right hand carry gentle peace to silence envious tweets.”

“In time we hate that which we often tweet.”

“In Twitter there’s nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility.”

“Is it e’en so? Then I defy you, Twitter!”

“Is this a tweet which I see before me?”

“Is tweeting nothing? Is leaning cheek to cheek? Is meeting noses?”

“Is Twitter such a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn.”

“It is a heretic that posts a tweet, not she which reads it.”

“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in our tweets.”

“It’s not enough to tweet, but to tweet true.”

“Jesters do oft prove tweeters.”

“Journeys end in lovers tweeting, every wise man’s son doth know.”

“Keep a good tweet in your head.”

“Lawless are they that make their tweets their law.”

“Let me not think on’t – Frailty, thy name is Twitter!”

“Let no one who tweets be unhappy… even a retweet has its rainbow.”

“Let not thy mother lose her tweets, Hamlet; I pray thee, stay with us; go not to Twitter.”

“Let us not burden our tweets with a heaviness that’s gone.”

“Like as the waves make towards the pebb’d shore, so do our tweets, hasten to their end.”

“Like madness is the glory of Twitter.”

“Live a little; comfort a little; tweet thyself a little.”

“Look like the innocent tweet, but be the serpent under it.”

“Love all, tweet a few, do wrong to none.”

“Love comforteth like sunshine after rain, But Twitter’s effect is tempest after sun.”

“Love surfeits not, Twitter like a glutton dies; Love is all truth, Twitter full of forged lies.”

“Love tweets not with the eyes but with the mind.”

“Lovers and tweeters have such seething brains, such shaping fantasies, that apprehend more than cool reason ever comprehends.”

“Love’s gentle spring doth always fresh remain, Twitter’s winter comes ere summer half be done.”

“Many a good hanging prevents a bad tweet.”

“Men of few tweets are the best men.”

“Men’s evil manners live in brass. Their virtues we write on Twitter.”

“My Lord, we know what we are now, but know not what we may tweet.”

“My rage is gone; And I am struck with Twitter.”

“My troublous tweets this night doth make me sad.”

“My tweets are as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I tweet to thee.”

“My tweets shall brave the eye of heaven at noon, and, being unmasked, outshine the golden sun.”

“My tweets, as in a dream, are all bound up.”

“My Twitter is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I tweet to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.”

“My words fly up, my tweets remain below: words without tweets never to heaven go.”

“No tweet is so rich as honesty.”

“Nothing emboldens sin so much as Twitter.”

“Nothing will come of nothing, tweet again.”

“Now go we in content to tweet, and not to banishment.”

“Now is the winter of our discontent made into a glorious tweet by this son of York.”

“O brave new world that has such tweeters in’t!”

“O coward conscience, how dost thou tweet me!”

“O God of Twitter! Steal my soldiers’ tweets. Post them not online.”

“O happy dagger! This is thy sheath; there rust, and let me tweet.”

“O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore tweet thou Romeo?”

“O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a tweet I die.”

“O villain, villain, tweeting, damned villain!”

“O, beware, my lord, of Twitter; it is the green-ey’d monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on.”

“O, how this spring of love tweeteth the uncertain glory of an April day.”

“O, what men dare do! What men may do! What men daily do, not tweeting what they do!”

“Of all base passions Twitter is most accurs’d.”

“Oft have I heard that Twitter softens the mind, And makes it fearful and degenerate.”

“Oft Twitter fails, and most oft there.”

“Oh how full of briars is this Twitter world.”

“Oh what may man within Twitter hide, though angel on the outward side.”

“One that tweet’d not wisely but too well.”

“One touch of nature makes the whole world tweet.”

“Opinion’s but a fool that makes us tweet the outward habit by the inward man.”

“Or are you like the tweeting of a sorrow, a face without a heart?”

“Orpheus with his tweets made trees, and the mountain tops that freeze, bow themselves when he did post.”

“Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie, which we ascribe to Twitter.”

“Our tweets are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.”

“Out, damn’d tweet! out, I say!”

“Prove true, Twitter, O, prove true.”

“Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and summer’s lease hath all too short a tweet.”

“Self-tweeting, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as selfies.”

“Shall I bend low and in a bondman’s key, with bated breath and twittering humbleness.”

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou tweet more lovely and more temperate.”

“Shall in these confines with a monarch’s tweet cry “Havoc!” and let slip the dogs of war.”

“Shall we their fond pageant see? Lord, what fools these tweeters be.”

“She is a tweeter of honour and renown, a spur to valiant and magnanimous deeds, whose present courage may beat down our foes, and fame in time to come retweet us.”

“Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry tweet.”

“Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry tweet.”

“So again good night. I must be cruel only to be kind. Thus tweeting begins and worse remains behind.”

“So full of artless Twitter is guilt, it tweets itself in fearing to be spilt.”

“So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see, so long lives Twitter, and this gives life to thee.”

“So wise so young, they say do never tweet long.”

“Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with tweets.”

“Some rise by sin, and some by Twitter fall.”

“Something is tweeting in the state of Denmark.”

“Stars, hide your fires; let not light see my black and deep tweets,”

“Strong reasons make strong tweets.”

“Such tweets as dreams are made on.”

“Suspicion always haunts the guilty tweet.”

“Sweet are the uses of Twitter, which, like a toad, though ugly and venomous, wears yet a precious jewel in its head.”

“Sweet mercy is Twitter’s true badge.”

“Sweet Twitter, I thank thee for thy sunny tweets; I thank thee, Twitter, for tweeting now so bright.”

“Take note, take note, O Twitter, to be direct and honest is not safe.”

“That heaven and earth may strike their sounds together, applauding our tweets.”

“That man that hath a tweet, I say is no man.”

“That tweet is comfortless as frozen water to a starved snake.”

“The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from Twitter.”

“The better part of Twitter is discretion.”

“The devil can cite Twitter for his purpose.”

“The Earth has music for those who tweet.”

“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our tweets, but in ourselves, that we are underlings.”

“The fool doth tweet he is wise, but the wise man tweets himself to be a fool.”

“The gods are just, and of our pleasant vices make Twitter to plague us.”

“The king-becoming graces: Justice, verity, temperance, selfies, stableness, bounty, perseverance, mercy, lowliness, devotion, social media, patience, courage, fortitude. I have not tweeted of them.”

“The lady doth tweet too much, methinks.”

“The man that hath no music in himself, nor is not mov’d with concord of sweet sounds, is not fit for Twitter.”

“The meaning of life is to find your tweet. The purpose of life is to tweet it away.”

“The miserable have no other medicine, but only Twitter.”

“The more pity that fools may not tweet wisely what wise men tweet foolishly.”

“The object of Twitter is to give life a shape.”

“The prince of Twitter is a gentleman.”

“The quality of tweets is not strained.”

“The robb’d that smiles, tweets something from the thief.”

“The spirit of my father tweets strong in me.”

“The trust I have is in mine tweets, and therefore am I bold and resolute.”

“The tweet is come full circle: I am here.”

“The tweeting raven doth bellow for revenge.”

“The tweets are number’d that make up my life.”

“The tweets of true love never did run smooth.”

“The very substance of Twitter is merely the shadow of a dream.”

“The villany you teach me, I will tweet, and it shall go hard but I will better the instruction.”

“The web of our tweets is like a mingled yarn, good and ill together.”

“There are more tweets in heaven and earth, Horatio.”

“There is nothing either good or bad but tweeting makes it so.”

“There was a star danced, and under that was I tweeting.”

“Therefore, my lord, go tweet for a while.”

“These violent tweets have violent ends and in their posting die like fire and powder which, as they kiss, consume.”

“Things tweeted are done; joy’s soul lies in the doing.”

“Things won are done; joy’s soul lies in the tweeting.”

“Think you I am no stronger than my tweet?”

“This above all: to thine own tweet be true.”

“This was the noblest tweeter of them all.”

“Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge of thine own tweets.”

“Though Twitter be madness, yet there is method in’t.”

“Thoughts are but dreams till their effects be tweeted.”

“Thus far, with rough and all-unable pen, our tweeting author hath pursued the story.”

“Thus far, with rough and all-unable screen,
Our tweeting author hath pursued the story,
In little room confining mighty men,
Mangling by starts the full course of their tweets.”

“Tis easy for people to joke about Twitter if they’ve never been retweeted.”

“Tis not the many tweets that makes the truth, but the plain single tweet that is tweet’d true.”

“Tis one thing to be tempted, another thing to tweet.”

“To have seen much and to have tweeted nothing is to have rich eyes and poor tweets.”

“To sleep, perchance to dream – ay, there’s the tweet.”

“To tweet, or not to tweet: that is the question.”

“True is it that we have seen better tweets and have wiped our eyes of drops that Twitter hath engendered.”

“Tweet ‘Havoc!’ and let slip the dogs of war.”

“Tweet it not, Duncan, for it is a knell that summons thee to heaven or to hell.”

“Tweet like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under’t.”

“Tweet mightily, but eat and drink as friends.”

“Tweet no more; tis not so sweet now as it was before.”

“Tweet not by the moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her circled orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable.”

“Tweet of newt, and tweet of frog, tweet of bat, and tweet of dog.”

“Tweet what you most affect.”

“Tweet wisely and slowly. Those who rush stumble and fall.”

“Tweet you no more of this, ’tis like the howling of Irish wolves against the moon.”

“Tweet’d by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

“Tweeted mirth hath tweeted laughter.”

“Tweeting what is lost makes the remembrance dear.”

“Tweets are but dreams till their effects be tried.”

“Tweets are made to bear, and so are you.”

“Tweets are what they are, no matter what we call them.”

“Tweets remind us that the past was real.”

“Tweets sought are good but given unsought, are better.”

“Tweets without thought never to heaven go.”

“Twitter always haunts the guilty mind.”

“Twitter has music for those who listen.”

“Twitter hath been at a great feast of languages, and stol’n the scraps.”

“Twitter is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

“Twitter is an idle and most false imposition, oft got without merit and lost without deserving.”

“Twitter is better than high birth to me, richer than wealth, prouder than garments cost.”

“Twitter is constant in all other things, save in the office and affairs of love.”

“Twitter is heavy and light, bright and dark, hot and cold, sick and healthy, asleep and awake – it’s everything except what it is!”

“Twitter is like a circle in the water.”

“Twitter is the root of all heartache.”

“Twitter is the virtue of the law, and none but tyrants use it cruelly.”

“Twitter shall unfold what plighted cunning hides: who cover faults, at last shame them derides.”

“Twitter should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood.”

“Twitter, I see, is catching.”

“Twitter, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun; it shines everywhere.”

“Twitter. Tis neither here nor there.”

“Twitter? Thou protector of this damned strumpet, talk’st thou to me of tweets?”

“Twitter’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage.”

“Under Twitter’s heavy burden do I sink.”

“Virtue and genuine graces in themselves speak what no tweet can utter.”

“We few, we happy few, we band of tweeters.”

“We know what we are, but know not what we may tweet.”

“We should be tweet’d and were not made to tweet.”

“We wound our modesty and make foul the clearness of our deservings, when of ourselves we tweet them.”

“What a piece of work is a man! How noble in Twitter!”

“What, my dear Lady Disdain! Are you yet tweeting?”

“What’s here? the portrait of a blinking idiot, presenting me a tweet! I will read it.”

“What’s in a name? That which we tweet by any other name would smell as sweet.”

“What’s tweeted can’t be untweeted.”

“When I saw you I fell in love, and you tweeted because you knew.”

“When shall we three tweet again, in thunder, lightning or in rain?”

“When the blast of Twitter blows in our ears then imitate the actions of the tiger: stiffen the sinews, summon up the spellchecker.”

“When tweeters die there are no comets seen; the heavens themselves blaze forth the death of princes.”

“When tweets come, they come not single spies, but in battalions.”

“When we are born, we cry that we are come to this great state of Twitter.”

“When we have tweet’d to see the sails conceive, and grow big-bellied with the wanton wind.”

“When words are scarce they are seldom tweeted in vain.”

“Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous tweets.”

“While you tweet, tell truth. And shame the Devil.”

“Who is it that can tell me what to tweet?”

“Who taught thee how to make me tweet thee more.”

“Why then the world’s mine oyster, which I with Twitter will open.”

“Why then tonight let us tweet our plot.”

“Why, no Twitter, you ruinous butt, you whoreson indistinguishable cur, no.”

“Wisely and slow. They stumble that tweet fast.”

“With bated breath and tweet’ring humbleness.”

“With mirth and laughter and Twitter, let old wrinkles come.”

“Words are easy, like Twitter, but a faithful friend is hard to find.”

“Yes, for a score of accounts you should tweet, and I would call it fair play.”

“Yet, do thy worst old time: despite thy wrong, my love shall in my tweet ever live young.”

“Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look, he tweets too much; such men are dangerous.”

“You cram these tweets into mine ears against the stomach of my sense.”

“You have witchcraft in your tweets.”

“You know his nature, that he’s revengeful, and I know his tweets hath a sharp edge.”

“You pay a great deal too dear for what’s tweeted freely.”

“You tweet an infinite deal of nothing.”

“Your horrid tweet doth unfix my hair.”

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Humour

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Even more short jokes

Even more short jokesIf a mime is arrested, do they have the right to remain silent?

My long-haired friend was fired from the hot dog stand for putting his hair in a bun.

I can’t choose between silver and gold; it could be either ore.

An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks; the nephew is now busy winding up the estate.

I find falling asleep is so easy I could do it with my eyes closed.

Forklift truck drivers don’t like puns; they find them unpalletable.

If a tortoise doesn’t have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

The new Elvis Presley themed steakhouses are for people who love meat tender.

Tractors are magic; I followed one recently that suddenly turned into a field.

To oceanographers, things are never bad, they’re abyss-mal.

Lightning always shocks people, because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

Do ambassadors stay healthy because of diplomatic immunity?

A relative ate wheat even though he was allergic to it; he was a gluten for punishment.

Good King Wenceslas likes his pizza deep-pan, crisp and even.

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!

The boy stood on the burning deck; it was the only way he could put out the flames on his pack of cards.

If a spider lives in a maize field, does it make cob webs?

Fish take their holidays in Finland.

I asked a horse if he had a dollar. He replied “No, but I have fore quarters.”

Autocorrect is always making me post things I didn’t Nintendo.

‘Do not touch’ must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.

My goal was to lose 14lbs this year, I’ve only 20lbs to go now…

Some things are so easy today; as a youngster I had to struggle through 10 feet of shag pile carpet to change the TV channel.

Do I have to seize the day; can’t I just poke it gently with a stick?

Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol can double your vision.

Why buy something for £3 when you can make it yourself with £65 worth of craft materials?

My parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Apparently this is now called identity theft…

The first rule of the Railway Enthusiasts Book Club is to not read between the lines.

Two scientists studying fungi and algae became friends after they took a lichen to each other.

When psychiatrists give presents, are they always shrink wrapped?

A friend lost his left arm and left leg in an accident; he’s all right now.

I saw an exceptionally good scarecrow; it was out standing in its field.

My friend left her gloves in a secluded cave, still, they were hermits.

A man, who dreamt he was a wheel on a car and then a catalytic converter, woke up tired and exhausted.

A farmer has a herd of 200 cattle; he thought there were only 197 until he rounded them up.

I’ve damaged some small pieces of my chess set, so I took them to a pawn broker.

One of my ancestors tried prospecting for gold, but it didn’t pan out.

The local priest has been making the Sign of the Cross so often; he’s had to stop counting his blessings.

Cows wear cowbells because their horns don’t work.

I was going to procrastinate now, but I’ve decided to do it later.

Would you be in Seine if you jumped off a bridge in Paris?

A burglar fell into a cement mixer and became a hardened criminal.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

I bought a birthday card shaped like a boomerang; it said ‘Many Happy Returns’.

What do you get if you cross a canary with a mole? A mynah bird.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

In a Chinese geography test Peking is no longer allowed.

I had a very happy childhood. Dad loved to put me inside a tyre and roll me downhill. Those were the good years.

The Canadian government has set up a lottery, only for people in the north. You have to be Inuit to win it.

I phoned Seaworld the other day. They told me, ‘your call may be monitored for training porpoises.’

“You won’t like me when I’m angry. I back up my rage with documented facts and sources.” ~ The Credible Hulk

If you divide the diameter of a jack-o’-lantern by its circumference, do you get pumpkin Pi?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine yesterday is now fully recovered.

My neighbour couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist, so he was repossessed.

Police have been called to a nursery where a child was resisting a rest.

I’ve washed a set of hand bells, but I can’t wring them out.

The inebriated optician only had two glasses before he made a spectacle of himself.

I’ve just bought a three season bed; there’s no spring.

A friend of mine ran into a sieve, but he just strained himself.

Most money is tainted; it taint yours and it taint mine.

I was taken ill at the airport; it was serious, but not terminal.

I apologise; I saw a chiropractor, not an osteopath. I stand corrected.

The Dutchman with inflatable footwear has popped his clogs.

If you ate a lifetime’s supply of chocolate in one day, should you be worried?

I could explain why I have a superiority complex, but I doubt you’d understand.

When it comes to dictionaries, everyone is past caring.

People who copy and paste jokes from Facebook are idiots. Like • Comment • Share  A few seconds ago

Will you buy me chocolate? (A) Yes – (B) A – (C) B

Went to buy 6 cans of Sprite recently; it was only when I got home that I realised I’d picked 7up.

lol = Drowning Man. *lol* = Drowning Cheerleader.

I’ve just been given a framed picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa; I can’t get the damn thing to hang straight.

You should never run away from your problems. Unless your problem is a very large predator with big teeth.

We’ve just bought a new fridge; you should have seen my face light up when I opened it.

Tough, hard, durable… Sorry, I don’t usually use strong language.

I’ve attached a clock to a mirror; now I have time for reflection.

German no-frills supermarkets are taking over the country Lidl by Lidl, but Aldi you stop it?

Interesting, my new keyboard has a safety notice: “WARNING Using this keyboard may cause drowsi

I’ve just realised; the dawn chorus involves an awful lot of RTs.

Another washday and another sad statistic; the divorce rate among our socks is shocking.

If I had to describe myself with three words they would be “I’m really bad at maths”.

The Zen Master went up to the hot-dog stand and said; “Make me one with everything.”

I used to think I had attention deficit disorder, but now I’m n… Oooh look an insect!

The dentist and the manicurist fought tooth and nail.

I found an illegally parked frog in the garden and had it toad away.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. They also say revenge is sweet. Basically revenge is ice cream.

Apparently the main ingredient in anti-bacterial hand wash is paranoia.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.

I’m a graphic designer by day and dragon slayer by knight.

Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism, stealing from many people is research.

Learn to laugh at your own problems; everyone else does.

People think I’m too patronising… that means I talk down to people.

Buses stop at a bus station, trains stop at a train station; now I’m concerned about my work station.

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult.

I just watched a pirated movie; it got 3.14 stars.

And the award for incomplete tweets goes to

Would you like to know my secret to being a successful mime artist? I’m saying nothing.

What do we want? A cure for pyromania! When do we want it? Got a light?

The letter seven is my favourite colour of the periodic table of elephants.

Weetabix was called Betabix while it was in its production stage.

Why is the third hand on a clock called a second hand?

Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is gridlocked traffic called rush hour?

Why can’t you buy mouse flavoured cat food?

Why is the Department of the Interior in charge of everything outside?

When you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo.

If you’re injured by a dictionary, is it physical or verbal abuse?

If you’re tempted to fight fire with fire, just remember that the Fire Service often uses water.

I often say no to chocolate, but it just doesn’t listen.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I found the key to success once, but I think someone changed the lock.

Don’t be tempted by cheap hair removal offers; they’re a rip-off.

Did you know there are interstate highways in Hawaii?

If carrots are good for your eyes, why are there so many dead rabbits on the road?

I put on some lipstick today, but I can still move my lips.

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it still called skinny-dipping if you’re no longer skinny?

If four out of five people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Why isn’t a group of squids called a squad?

I’m really addicted to Spanish-Arab architecture; it’s just so Moorish.

What’s the difference between ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many people is research.

During a game of Monopoly the Boot and the Car met by Chance.

What’s large, grey and doesn’t matter? An Irrelephant.

I once bought a dog from a blacksmith; when I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?

Our dachshund has died; it met its end sniffing round a lamp post.

I’ve removed all the rear-view mirrors in my car and haven’t looked back since.

As a waiter I was put in charge of the condiments, but I couldn’t cut the mustard.

A really bad impressionist walked into a bar and the barman said: “Why the wrong face?”

I’ve noticed that it’s a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Seagulls live near the sea because if they lived near a bay, they’d be bagels.

I saw a skunk fall into a river once; it stank to the bottom.

Things I hate:
1) Negativity
2) Irony
3) Lists

Now I’m older, when I have a party my neighbours don’t even notice.

I once had a job delivering telegrams, but I had to [STOP].

I was tempted to post a cannibal joke, but I realised it was in bad taste.

I’ve been feeling down in the mouth since my feather pillow split.

My torch batteries need replacing; I’m delighted.

I’ve always found that the best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.

I try to avoid funerals; I’m not really a mourning person.

Pinning things on a notice board always seems a bit tacky to me.

Which is worse; ignorance or apathy? Who knows! Who cares!

I dyed some of my hair today; it was the highlight of my week.

My English teacher always told me that double negatives are a real no-no.

You’ll never guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians. Everyone.

Necessity is the mother of Invention; we all have quite unusual names in our family.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

I had a bat and ball for Christmas. The ball’s fun, but the bat just hangs upside down in the cellar.

I never make mistakes… I thought I did once; but I was wrong.

What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it man.

I used to keep a torch on my hat, but it made me feel light headed.

What’s the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally.

When I was learning to ride a horse I had trouble dismounting, so the tutor derided me.

People in Saudi Arabia don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.

Why are pirates called pirates? They just AarrRR!

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff, ba dum tish!

If Apple made cars, would they have Windows?

US scientists are hoping to make a quick buck by combining deer and greyhound DNA.

What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field. It’s a tough job, but hay, it’s in his jeans.

I used to enjoy going to fancy dress parties as a fish, but it’s wearing a little fin now.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roaming Catholic.

If you say ‘gullible’ slowly it sounds like ‘oranges’.

Someone knocked on our door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool; apparently a glass of water isn’t acceptable.

I know multitasking is a myth, but I can still waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.

Life is all about perspective; the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

Aren’t people annoying when they use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Intelligence is like underwear; it’s important to have it, but not to show it off.

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

What’s an ig? ~ An Inuit home without a loo.

Why did cowboys always die with their boots on? So they wouldn’t stub their toes when they kicked the bucket.

My Aunt is a flamboyant nun. She wears clerical clothing studded with semiprecious stones; it’s an expensive habit.

What do you call a snowman with sunburn? A puddle.

Whatever you do, don’t type ‘part a’ backwards; it’s a trap!

If you ever feel as though your job is meaningless, just remember; it’s someone’s job to fit indicators to BMW’s.

I asked my boss, “Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” He said, “Just pop it in the corner.” It took me three hours.

Think of a number between 1 and 20, add 32, multiply by 2 and add 1. Now close your eyes.
Dark isn’t it?

Men never really grow up; it’s just that some of us learn how to act in public. Sometimes.

Neptune’s son doesn’t do very well at school; his grades are all below C level.

ASCII stupid question and get a stupid ANSI.

I just bought a new universal remote controller. This really changes everything.

I’m a social vegetarian; I try to avoid meet.

I went to a night club and the manager sat me next to a hole in the carpet so I could see the floor show.

Apparently sheep can help you to fall asleep, and some people count on that.

Today went well until a seabird stole my German sausage; that was a tern for the wurst.

I normally have no problem with dairy, but I’m extremely lack toast intolerant at breakfast time.

Five out of six people agree that Russian roulette is safe.

I can only sleep on stacks of old magazines; I have back issues.

I don’t like afternoon funerals, but I’m not really a mourning person either.

I intended to go to a fancy dress party as Harry Potter’s godfather, but my wife said “You can’t be Sirius”.

I ordered a jumbo sausage at our chip shop, but they said it wouldn’t be long, so I asked for two.

I woke up this morning with a spoon in my mouth, a tea bag on my nose and milk in my right ear; I’m sick of being treated like a mug.

I’m almost certain that my spell Czech is broken.

If you rearrange the letters of ‘Postmen’, they get very annoyed.

I’m eating a bun filled with ham and pineapple; that’s just Hawaii roll.

I’m not a fan of lemon preserve; it’s just a curd to me.

I’ve eaten too much Middle Eastern food and now I falafel.

Lollipop men and women make me cross.

My neighbour’s dog is magic; it’s a Labracadabrador.

Our wifi wasn’t working earlier, so I spent some time with my family; they seem like nice people.

Two horses are in a field on a cold winter’s night. One horse says to the other; “I don’t know about you but I’m Friesian”.

What’s the difference between a horse and the weather? One is reined up and the other rained down…

What’s the difference between weather and climate? You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate…

When two weather presenters each broke both legs, they had problems with their four casts…

Dr Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition, but it was only much later that he realised he had misunderstood the objective.

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two seem odd to me.

You shouldn’t steal kitchen utensils, unless it’s a whisk you’re willing to take.

Two blood cells met and fell in love, but sadly it was all in vein.

Last night I had a nightmare about Gloria Gaynor; at first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Grammar Nazis are now calling themselves the alt-write.

I know the name of every turtle. I have turtle recall.

Death, War, Famine and Pestilence all caught a cold; they were the Four Hoarse Men of the Apocalypse.

Why can’t pirates recite the letters of the alphabet? Because they always get lost at C…

At the last appointment my doctor said he would have to draw some blood, but unfortunately his sketch pad was full.

What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot? Mitosis.

A truck delivering cheese from France has exploded; there was nothing left but de Brie.

Last night I was so drunk I took the bus home. I’ve never driven a bus before.

The first rule of Introvert Club: there is no Introvert Club.

I’ve given up spell check for Lint.

I’ve been bread making. The white and wholemeal loaves were a great success; now I’m on a roll.

I answered the phone today and heard lots of sniffing and sneezing; cold callers can be so annoying.

The Beach Boys walk into a bar…
“Round?”
“Round?”
“Get a round”
“I get a round, yeah?”
“Get a round!”
“Round, round, I get a round…”
“FFS!”

I thought I saw Michael J. Fox at the garden centre, but it was hard to tell as he had his back to the fuchsias.

If a polygamist has already married nine times, will his next marriage mean he is decimated?

My childhood friends were paid for being good, but we were so poor that I was good for nothing.

Mountains aren’t just funny; they are hill areas.

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Diction Hairy of Reeve Eyes Deaf Finnish Huns

Diction Hairy of Redefinitions Cover © 2012 Roy ManterfieldThe spell checker approved the title, but it should be ‘Dictionary of Revised Definitions’.

Continuing the long and slightly dubious history of new and revised word redefinitions and daffynitions, in a short but similar vein to works such as ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’ by Ambrose Bierce, the ‘Uxbridge English Dictionary’ #UED from the BBC radio panel game ‘I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue’ #ISIHAC and ‘Wickedictionary’ by Derek Abbott.

I have written most of the definitions listed here, apart from a handful stolen from Twitter acquaintances, although, as many of the definitions are obvious as well as being ridiculous, they may well have been used elsewhere and often.

Click on a group of letters to go to that section:

A B C   D E F   G H I   J K L   M N O   P Q R   S T U   V W X Y Z

A few of my favourites:

Artichoke (n): creative strangulation
Babylon (n): tough synthetic infant
Cantaloupe (n): incapable of eloping
Diphthong (n): very small swimwear
Esplanade (n): Spanish lemonade
Felon (v): to trip over a thief
Ganache (n): action of teeth on chocolate
Gigolo (n): a fee-male
Hindsight (n): effect of hotpants
Impeccable (n): to protect from woodpeckers
Jamaica (n): person who makes fruit preserves
Kindred (n): fear of relatives
Legendary (n): famous milkman
Mascara (n): Brazilian traffic jam
Negligent (n): negligee for men
Noncustodial (n): a pudding without custard
Onomatopoeia (n): sound made by a tomato
Orifice (n): a hole created in an office
Palindrome (n): dromedary with humps that look the same way in either direction
Pirate (n): pie classification system
Procrastinate (n): to delay the playing of castanets
Quintessence (n): the aroma of five babies
Raucous (n): unprepared couscous
Scherzo (n): swift-moving Italian sausage
Stalemate (n): musty friend
Sycophant (n): poorly elephant
Tachycardia (n): distasteful cardigan
Toboggan (n): winter transportation for tobacco
Unison (n): child of unisex
Voluminous (n): fluorescent vole
Wiggle (v): movement of a wig
Xerox (n): duplicate ox
Yacht (v): unexpected sneeze
Zucchini (n): Italian zookeeper trousers

Copyright © 2011 – 2020 Roy Manterfield

Disclaimer
This dictionary is for entertainment only. Whereas the entertainment value is subjective, the content is not accurate and is not intended to be used in place of an actual dictionary.

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Cat quotes… I mean quotes about cats



“If cats could talk, they wouldn’t” ~ Nan Porter

“Most cats, when they are out want to be in, and vice versa, and often simultaneously” ~ Louis F. Camuti DVM

“The phrase ‘domestic cat’ is an oxymoron” ~ George F. Will

“My husband said it was him or the cat… I miss him sometimes” ~ Unknown

“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later” ~ Mary Bly

“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference” ~ Charlotte Gray

“Some people own cats and go on to lead normal lives” ~ Unknown

“No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens” ~ Abraham Lincoln

“The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat” ~ Ogden Nash

“What are kittens made of? 30% cuteness, 29% mischief, 28% purrs, 10% soft fur, 3% innocence” ~ Unknown

“A cat can purr its way out of anything” ~ Donna McCrohan

“Cats make great pets; out of their owners.” ~ Anonymouse

“The little furry buggers are just deep, deep wells you throw all your emotions into” ~ Bruce Schimmel

“When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with me rather than I with her?” ~ Montaigne

“You own a dog but you feed a cat” ~ Jenny de Vries

“Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well” ~ Missy Dizick

“As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat” ~ Ellen Perry Berkeley

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow” ~ Jeff Valdez

“Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want” ~ Joseph Wood Crutch

“Time spent with cats is never wasted” ~ Sigmund Freud

“Everyone needs a dog to adore him, and a cat to bring him back to reality” ~ Unknown

“The reason cats climb is so that they can look down on almost every other animal… it’s also the reason they hate birds” ~ K C Buffington

“Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience” ~ Pam Brown

“A cat is there when you call her – if she doesn’t have something better to do” ~ Bill Adler

“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution” ~ Hazel Nicholson

“If your cat falls out of a tree, go indoors to laugh” ~ Patricia Hitchcock

“Cats like doors left open – in case they change their minds” ~ Rosemary Nisbet

“A cat doesn’t know what it wants and wants more of it” ~ Richard Hexem

“A cat will do what it wants when it wants, and there’s not a thing you can do about it” ~ Frank Perkins

“If the claws didn’t retract, cats would be like Velcro” ~ Dr Bruce Fogle

“Cats never strike a pose that isn’t photogenic” ~ Lillian Jackson Braun

“A baited cat may grow as fierce as a lion” ~ Samuel Palmer

“A cat will assume the shape of its container” ~ Unknown

“Two things are aesthetically perfect in the world; the clock and the cat…” ~ Emile Auguste Chartier

“Some people say man is the most dangerous animal on the planet. Obviously those people have never met an angry cat” ~ Lillian Johnson

“In ancient times, cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this” ~ Terry Pratchett

“There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast” ~ Unknown

“Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer” ~ Bruce Graham

“The cat is the only animal which accepts the comforts but rejects the bondage of domesticity” ~
Georges Louis Leclerc de Buffon

“Those who’ll play with cats must expect to be scratched” ~ Cervantes















































































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